DETACHMENT
APR 1 Detachment is not letting anyone else decide how you feel. Everyone else decided how I felt for much of the first forty years of my life. It’s embarrassing to admit this, and seeing it in print is even more discomfiting. But I can’t escape who I was. Owning who we are, or were, throughout our lifetime is necessary if we want to embrace becoming someone who has another set of characteristics. Few of us will choose to stay as we were as youngsters for our entire lives; however, many of us will fear making changes of any consequence as adults. I definitely fell into this category.
I still remember so clearly trying to guess what was in someone else’s mind so what was in mine could mirror it. This way I was certain to be in that person’s favor. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be, other than a shadow of someone else. Was I always this way? I really don’t know. I do have a glimmering of having dreams for myself as a young girl, dreams that didn’t rely on others. I wrote short stories and plays in elementary school in which I solved mysteries and discovered clues no one else could find. I don’t know where that girl went, but by junior high she was gone. From then on, I got quiet and tried to fit in. That’s all. And I hoped others would not reject me. If the people around me didn’t show warm approval, I was crushed. The pain of that period was daunting, but during that time I finally learned to turn to God, and that was the lesson I needed.
I look back over my life, as you do yours, no doubt, and wonder how I got from there to here. But I know, as do you, that where we are now is where our next lessons lie. We don’t have to be afraid. Our lessons have waited for us, and we can handle whatever comes. We always did and we always will.
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No longer does anyone else have the power to control how I feel. The same is true for you. We get to decide that for ourselves. Isn’t this a great and wonderful gift?
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APR 2 Detachment is letting others take care of their own affairs. It seems like such a simple decision to let others be in charge of their own affairs However, we quite mindlessly put our attention on others with more than frequent regularity. Particularly among many of us who caringly raised children, we developed a habit that we transfer to other people who really don’t need our care. The habit becomes ingrained, and then we find ourselves in the position of doing for others what they really must do for themselves.
I don’t mean to suggest that we can’t help others. Being kind and accommodating are worthy traits. But we really must establish boundaries between what is helpful and what is suffocating. No one accomplishes what he is here to learn when any one of us does too much. The real beneficiary of letting others be in charge of their own affairs is ourselves, of course. It gives us more time to grow and to play.
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Practicing detachment must happen before it becomes an accomplished skill. For most, it’s a daily practice, in fact. And that’s okay. It’s worth it.
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APR 3 Attachment to people deadlocks our growth. Those women and men on our journey are blessings, for sure. Every one of them. Even those people who seem difficult to be around. It’s been said by the really wise that the more difficult an encounter, the greater the lesson and the ultimate wisdom gained. But if we let the presence of anyone on our path, those we adore as well as those we abhor, sidetrack us from the “work” we are here to do, we will be cheating everyone else too. That’s simply how it works. Our interconnection to all humanity makes this so.
Attaching ourselves to others seems like a natural response. The feeling of aloneness, of separation from others, is palpable and haunting. So then we cling to whoever wanders too close much like a moth to a flame. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, however. Wanting connection with others is good. It’s normal. It’s also very healing for both parties. But nurturing a connection for the purpose of healing our wounded inner spirit and forming an attachment that stifles the growth of either party are not the reasons we have found each other on this journey. We have found each other solely to act as listeners, healers, prayerful companions, not to be hostages to each other.
We are free to grow and help each other grow. Consider every expression of consideration like the raindrops that are so necessary to the seedlings a farmer plants each spring. We are doing our part every time we offer an attentive heart. Nothing more is asked of us.
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Being free to love and honor one another is the purpose of the journey.
We can do this only when we allow our companions the freedom they need, the same freedom we too must value.
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APR 4 Detachment can be as simple as breathing and walking away. Detachment is a cold-sounding word, isn’t it? It suggests being unsympathetic, perhaps ignoring someone, or even worse, shunning them completely. Many are confused when they first hear the word. It wasn’t until I sat through many 12 Step meetings and read a lot of literature about letting others make their own journeys that I managed to get a glimmering of what detachment meant. My respect for the others on my path grew as a result of what I was learning, and this fostered greater respect for myself.
My guess is that your experiences somewhat mirror mine. Walking beside others is what we are here to do. That’s why others have gathered. But walking side by side is far different than pushing our specific direction on someone else. If our motive is to express joy about another’s journey, allowing her or him to have what fits for them, we are fulfilling God’s will for us. If, instead, we are directing traffic, we have usurped God’s role in their lives, and it’s time to back off.
Recognizing when it’s time to back off isn’t easy. I have been practicing detachment for many years and I still want to be the traffic cop at times. But I have learned a valuable lesson that I’d like to share. Whenever I decide to “take over,” or try to, it’s because of fear, oftentimes an unnamed fear, but fear nonetheless. At these moments, taking a deep breath and seeking to feel the presence of God allows me to shift my perspective and get into right relationship with Him.
Nothing about this is easy. But every effort we make adds peace to the world around us. And that’s a worthy commitment.
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Deciding to walk away from a person or a situation, instead of insisting we should be in charge, is appropriate unless we are directly being affected. Being willing to honestly assess our necessity to the outcome is the key.
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APR 5 Detachment can be enhanced by prayer. Very few people are born with the natural capacity to detach from the struggles, the anger, or the personal failures of those they love. I believe my own fear of how others’ behavior will affect me has prompted me to want to control others’ actions, opinions, and even their long-term goals. Learning to live without this inclination is what the journey is about. And it’s a daily reprieve when I practice letting go and relying instead on the Serenity Prayer when confronted with those situations and people who seem to be screaming for my involvement in their lives.
Embracing detachment is a wholesome commitment to make. It doesn’t make a culprit of anyone. Nor does it hold anyone hostage to whims and opinions. And best of all, it allow us to pursue the work that’s truly ours to do. Lest I make this sound too easy, let me assure you that I have spent years practicing this behavior.
At first I thought detachment meant ignoring others, turning my back on them completely. A mentor helped me to see that detachment meant loving others in the truest sense: letting them grow into their own skins, and not be extensions of me. What has made my occasional success with detachment possible, however, is vigilant prayer. God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
I wish I could say that I embrace healthy detachment every day, but some days I cling, some days I manipulate. Some days I am fearful and react in ways that surprise me. But I am teachable. We all are.
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Being open to prayer is a way to discover the power of detachment. It strengthens our willingness to live differently, to see God as a companion, not as a stranger; and to claim Him as a solution to anything that’s troubling us.
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APR 6 Detachment means giving up “hostages.” The word Hostage carries with it such a negative connotation, doesn’t it? It brings to mind war, prison camps, abductions, and criminal activities. In this Book, “hostage taking” has a less sinister meaning, but it’s still insidious if allowed to fester. Taking a hostage might be little more than the focused attention we devote to others. It could mean clinging tightly to some as he is trying to spread his wings. It may feel like love to the “host,” but to the hostage it generally feels suffocating.
Before I found the recovery rooms, I was an expert at hostage taking. If we are uncertain about our own path, our own future, if our own connection to a Higher Power is not secure, we can transfer that need for security into a need for constant attention from and for another person, an activity that will cause a friendship to wither and die. Our role in one another’s life is to nurture growth and peace and wholeness. This can only happen when the touch we offer one another is light, not tight. When we release rather than grasp. When we celebrate freedom, not stifle it.
It is possible to learn how to detach. As I have shared already throughout this book, I am a work in progress. What’s crucial to understand is that the hostage taker is in prison right along with the hostage. No one wins. No one grows. No one walks her intended path if bound to another person. If this message speaks to you, then let go. Now. The time is right. For both of you.
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Helping each other with a concept like detachment is such a blessing. Walking the walk is the best way to help, bit sharing our experience, strength, and hope is helpful too. We travel together as way-showers, imitating unhealthy behavior is not what we are here to learn. From among those we observe, let’s carefully choose the behaviors that will enhance our own and others’ lives today.
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APR 7 Detachment is letting the outcome of another’s behavior be his or her problem. Letting a friend or family member experience the consequences of his or her actions is not an easy decision to make. But it’s the right decision. If we try to lighten their consequences or assume them ourselves, we are interfering with the growth our companion is scheduled to experience. If we could only think of it in that way, we’d be better able to let go. We are scheduled for certain experiences as we journey along this path, every one of us. Learning how to detach is on our schedule, or we wouldn’t be sharing this book!
Thinking of it in this way makes the practice of detachment, which isn’t all that easy, far less frustration and more exciting. Knowing that we are being given these opportunities and challenges because we are ready for them, have been prepared for them in fact, and are serving as examples to others of what detachment looks like makes life here far more meaningful.
Our purpose in life is not always clear to us. Nor does it need to be. Likely we have more than one purpose in a lifetime. But clearly, showing up lovingly in the lives of others is one of the purposes we all share, and there isn’t a more loving way to show up than to act as a witness to another’s growth. Being a witness means being an observer. It doesn’t mean interference. It doesn’t necessarily require any words. It may mean quiet prayer, on occasion. It may mean offering a suggestion but only if one is requested. Witnessing is simply casting a loving eye on the person who has crossed our path for the moment or for a lifetime. This is an assignment we can all cherish and succeed at.
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Being a witness to one another is a gift we can have every moment of every day. This is why we have come together. We are not present, in this life, to be in charge of one another but to cherish the moment God has given each of us.
Relish this time of observation and love.
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APR 8 Detachment is doing the “next right thing: without focusing on the outcome. Turning over to God the outcome of every situation allows us to act freely and with the trust that honors God. Our lives have been blessed repeatedly. Hindsight reveals this. Most of us can think of several times when we were “saved” from a dreaded outcome. And we know why, don’t we? God had a better plan for us than the one we were crafting. Simply doing what feels right in the moment is all that’s being asked of us. God is waiting to do the rest. He has always been waiting. Our job was and always will be to acknowledge Him.
This assurance is a powerful gift and one we deserve. We are God’s children, after all. There was a time in my past when I recoiled at this idea. Now I am relieved by it, I am comforted by it. My problems are solved by my remembrance of it. My work is to open my heart to God’s loving spirit and to pass on the peace and hope that passes through me. My job is not to direct the traffic around me. It’s to witness what’s present, seek a quiet place within, and ask God what my next action should be. Does that sound like a reasonable plan to you as well?
The more of us there are who step away from the role of directing the lives of others, choosing instead to pass on peace and hope and love and prayer, the greater will be the rewards reaped by all humanity. We are invited to carry this goodness forward. Letting God’s will prevail in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones allows peace to prevail in our hearts; surely this is peace that passes all understanding.
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Making our lives quieter, simpler, and more peaceful is a worthy choice. Letting God be God is how to do it.
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APR 9 Detachment is realizing that our lives are not dependent on what others are doing. We can live parallel and complementary lives, with intense and intimate joining, while not stifling each other’s journey. Each of us has been called to handle particular tasks, and we can appreciate those persons close at hand as witnesses. But that doesn’t imply that we need their approval or involvement to fulfill our purpose. Living in community, not in isolation, is the passageway to the healing. But living with others does not mean on top of others.
How freeing it is to know that we share this journey by design. Each one of us has a director who works in concert with us. We are the players, and the encounters we have with others happen according to the script that is destined to move us forward. The script does not have to be figured out alone. We have the guidance of God to see us through the good times and bad. They will balance each other out, even though we may feel that the bad times are relentless. It’s during those times that we may wish we could be dependent on others. It’s natural to feel that way. And it’s also fortunate that we are learning that healthy relationships rely on us relying on God and not on our human support system for our answers.
Being dependent on the actions of any person for our preservation or our definition has become a habit for many of us, and it prevents us from connection with God and His strength in our lives. Our answers are waiting for us. Let’s not tarry.
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Being too dependent on someone else for any reason doesn’t allow us to fully experience the sacred moments of our lives. Let’s not throw away those moments.
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APR 10 Detachment is showing by example, not words, how our lives can change. I was at a great 12 Step meeting today where several people shared how their lives had changed as the result of practicing the principle of detachment. After years of pleading, cajoling, and being angry and resentful with their “qualifier,” thy finally just accepted that their loved ones’ journeys were none of their business. The particular gift of this meeting was that a newcomer was able to hear the wisdom from all these people, wisdom each one had acquired over the last few months or years of coming to the fellowship.
Because each person who shared offered examples of how their behavior had changed, the newcomer was able to see that she could change her behavior too. Never was it guaranteed that the behavior of the addict would change, but the behavior of everyone else around the addict could and will change, in fact, if the principle of detachment is practiced.
That’s the beauty of sharing our experience, strength, and hope. Our failed past attempts to control someone on our path, when shared with others, can serve as examples that giving up control, as quickly as possible, will assure the best results. And it will allow the “controller” the relief she deserves, relief that will become inner peace in due time. Every one of us who sits in these meetings is being schooled in a new way of seeing and acting. An additional payoff is that the more any one of us mind our own business, the less we are contributing to the level of tension in our homes. The ripple effect of that decision is phenomenal.
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There are two kinds of business: my business and none of my business. This is a principle that can and will change every discussion that any one of us has. I invite you to practice this. And then watch the miracles occur.
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APR 11 Detachment is looking at life from a distance. Removing ourselves from the thick of a situation that is really none of our business is another way of interpreting the meaning of detachment. It doesn’t mean being uninterested in the people who are close to us or in the ultimate outcome of a situation that has ensnared one of them, or not caring about the well-being of anyone else. It simply means letting the affairs of others belong to those rightful parties. This is really good advice and definitely the advice we’d get from a wise grandparent or mentor or God if we sought God’s help.
But thinking we need to be a critical part of the journey of every loved one, or sometimes even of mere acquaintances, and the solution that is always in process is owing to our own insecurities about letting others have their own very necessary lives, lives that may be moving in another direction without us.
Many of us have grown up in families that were overly involved in the tiny details of our lives, and our culture certainly fosters the idea that other people’s business is ours to resolve. This gets played out on the international stage every day. But there is at least one other way to look at the experiences we are privy to. We can learn to believe that our best efforts on behalf of anyone, anywhere, might be a simple hope or prayer that they will be willing to listen to God who is surely available to them. Wanting to be necessary to others is a form of codependency, and it’s not in anyone’s best interests. No one grows when that’s the intent of our interactions.
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Watching the activities around us with a sense of appreciation, and the knowledge that we are being honored by the opportunity to offer our prayers on behalf of all those participants, makes our involvement what it should be: loving detachment from a distance.
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APR 12 Detachment is knowing that you are not the center of anyone else’s life. Sharing our life with someone can be good, very good, in fact. And intentional, an important detail of God’s plan, you might even say. But living in the center of someone else’s life, cut off from our own dreams and aspirations, is like being caged, and the freedom that could and should be yours to experience is missing.
We aren’t present to each other here and now to act as strict bodyguards or to make demands on how life must be lived. We have divinely encountered each other because of the very special information each one of us has already acquired on our journey, information that is ready to be passed on. Giving away what we have been given is how we keep it. Remember? But if we narrow our focus too much and only dance to the tune of our current partner, we are not participating in give-and-take, and we are sidestepping what God may want next for our lives.
Living in the center of our own life may be a new experience. For all of us it’s been, at some time, a learned experience that we must practice. As children we naturally gravitated to the others in our lives, letting them define us, dictate to us, control us. But we can make other choices now. And life will never look the same.
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Not being controlled by someone else’s whims is the freedom we all deserve, but it’s the freedom we may fear claiming, too. It will wait for you. And when you take the plunge, you will never look back.
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APR 13 Detachment means following your own heart’s desire. More than thirty years ago, I read a book titled Following Your Heart’s Desire. It was an unfamiliar concept to me then. My life had always been about trying to decipher what was in someone else’s heart and then following that intention as though it were mine too. I truly didn’t know what my own heart desired, other than wanting to be the center of that special person’s life. I couldn’t imagine even what the idea meant. Being enmeshed with the many people I journeyed with seemed natural, as though that were our reason for being together. How long ago that seems and how much I have learned since then!
Enmeshment is deadly, actually, because it quickly depletes our energy. It denies the presence of the God’s voice residing within us that desires to be heard. And it finally kills our spirit. How sad that so many of us choose enmeshment as a way of life anyway. Perhaps it seems easier than searching our own hearts and minds for what matters to us. But when we don’t make the effort to discern who we need to be and what we need to offer to those who travel with us, we are misspending our lives and failing to reap the joys that come with following our own hearts’ desire.
Perhaps it’s time to revisit how we look at the opportunities and the people who share our current circumstances. Are we showing up as ourselves or as caricatures that we think they might better appreciate? If the latter, then think again. The only time we have to be ourselves, fully, is now. That’s what God wants from us. That’s what our companions prefer. And that’s what our heart desires too.
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Discerning where we need to be complementary and where we need to be true to our own inner voice is a sign of emotional maturity. It takes practice and willingness and time. All three are available to us.
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APR 14 Detachment is relinquishing the role of being someone else’s Higher Power. I used to think it was my job to control the significant people in my life. Having been first an elementary school teacher, where I needed to be in charge, and then the wife of an alcoholic, I easily adapted to this role, and was pretty good at it, or so I thought. But after years of frustration and deep emotional pain, coupled with a divorce and many failed relationships, I was steered to the fellowship of Al-Anon where I was told that my attempt to control others was simply never going to be successful. I might get acquiescence or compliance or wear someone down for a while, but actually getting them to do only what I wanted them to do would be short-lived, at best. At first, I didn’t buy it. I was certain that all I had to do was figure out the right words, the right actions, the right promises, and I’d get the results I wanted. But I was wrong. Thank goodness I was wrong!
Allowing others to be responsible for themselves is like taking a vacation in the middle of winter or getting a snow day when one least expects it. It’s freeing. It’s joyous. It releases us to explore a new activity, perhaps. And giving up trying to counsel others, whomever they happen to be, allows then=m the respect they deserve.
Our purpose in their lives may be as a way-shower, a teacher of sorts, but foisting our own way of seeing, of believing, and of acting on others isn’t part of the equation that brought us together. We have come together for what we need to learn, that’s true, but that doesn’t include trying to take over one another’s life.
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My own Higher Power is who directs my life. and you have yours too; we each have our own Higher Power. We are present to each other to be way-showers, sharing our experience, strength, and hope. And that’s quite enough.
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APR 15 Detachment is not being diminished by the behavior of others. My experience has been that this is one of the more difficult principles to apply. When others treat us unkindly, as they often do, it’s easy to think we must have done something to deserve it. In fact, maybe we, too, had been unkind first. However, someone’s actions or behavior need not determine how anyone else perceives themselves and then acts. We are “dancing” every moment with our companions, and the smoothness of the dance-or its opposite-will be felt, observed by others and used as the stuff of interpretation for the next move. The dance, be it gentle or diminishing, will continue. Fortunately, we can decide if we want to steer the dance in a new direction.
Thinking of our experiences with others as opportunities to express and accept unconditional love-even when it doesn’t appear to be that-is courageous, mind-altering, and wonderful preparation for every next moment in time. Deciding to believe that everyone’s actions are expressing love or a call for love is what allows for the willingness to accept wherever someone else is on their journey. When we can nurture that, our own journey flourishes. It’s not easy to say, “His actions don’t determine my worth,” but when we make a practice of this (and we can succeed at this task, I assure you), a path to a more loving and intimate future with all companions will become possible.
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The dance floor is ours and the dance is of our choosing. Will it be a waltz, a fox-trot, or a ballet? Or will we sit on the sidelines feeling exposed and unchosen? The choice is ours.
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APR 16 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are doing. A child screaming on an airplane or a mother loudly scolding her child in a grocery store can easily stir up feeling in me. I either want to aid the child, thing I should do something to alleviate the anguish being expressed or I want to get out of the enclosed area immediately. In many cases that’s not possible, and getting involved in the business of a parent and her child, unless the child is being injured, is never appropriate. There is a response that is, however. It’s quiet but ever so effective: it’s prayer. Prayer changes my inner spaces and quiets my mind and can have a positive effect on anyone who might be feeling the frustration of either situation.
Detaching from the chaos of the external world, regardless of the nature of the chaos, is something I have practiced for many years. I applied this tool when mean-spirited people used to wander across my path. I find it rather interesting that since I have learned how to detach, I seldom come into contact with mean-spirited people. I think we discover in others what we expect to find. If I am expecting to be put down or ignored, just possibly that’s the antenna I have extended.
In the give-and-take of our lives, we get what we expect, and it generally matches what we have extended. It puts the responsibility for the life we want squarely in our hands, doesn’t it? But when the unexpected and frustrating do occur, we have a tool bag to use.
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Watching others from the sidelines is sometimes best. We need not be involved in much of what’s happening in our midst. Caring about the people present is not the same as acting on their behalf. Let’s make sure we know the difference.
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APR 17 Detachment is taking responsibility for your feelings. Stomping my foot as a kid, pouting and blaming my brother for whatever I had been caught doing as was being reprimanded for, is a familiar memory. I hated owning up to my shortcomings. Even more, I hated the feeling that I had been caught. I still don’t relish admitting my faults. Perhaps no one does. But allowing for their existence and making restitution when necessary, along with making the decision to change those behaviors that are clearly infringing on the rights of others, does free us from feelings of guilt and shame, rather than letting those characteristics define us completely.
We are never unaware of when we have harmed someone else or stepped over the line in how we responded to them, regardless of our words to the contrary. Simply feeling angry when caught or feeling unfairly treated if corrected is irresponsible and won’t free us to become the persons who already are within us just waiting to be acknowledged.
Detachment is an interesting concept. It doesn’t mean being uncaring. It doesn’t mean being isolated and uninvolved. It means having emotional clarity, showing support where it’s needed, making apologies where necessary, and blaming no one.
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Being responsible for our actions and the feelings that accompany them, and nothing more, is enough to focus on each day.
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APR18 Detachment means no longer harboring thoughts of “attachment.” Oh, how I longed to be “attached” to someone in my youth, to be on his arm, so to speak! To be chosen as a girlfriend meant that I was popular, that I mattered and was truly special, at least to “him.” Not being attached to someone defined me to others in a way that diminished me, I thought. It saddens me to recall how empty I felt inside back then. It was an emptiness that I ultimately tried to fill with alcohol when having a boyfriend and then a husband didn’t fill me up, but to no avail. And that’s the good news, of course. It was a long journey from there to here, however, a long sometimes very painful journey.
It wasn’t until my late thirties that I began to understand how insidious my need for attachment actually was. Seeing myself only in relationship to others, always defining myself by how I perceived the way that others were perceiving me, meant that my very fragile personae was frequently being fractured by the whimsy of others.
It’s simply not true that most people intentionally hurt us. Our collective thoughtlessness is often what is the root cause of many of the hurts we all experience. But for years I didn’t know this. I assumed I deserved whatever I seemed to be getting. Knowing this, as I now do, and having learned that others’ behavior is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, has allowed me such freedom. Are you sharing in this understanding, at this stage of your life?
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Acting as helpmates to one another so that we all have a better understanding of what detachment versus attachment means is a great undertaking. And sharing with one another our experience is the place to begin. That’s what I am trying to do here. And I hope you can see your own progress.
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APR 19 Detachment is no longer feeling unfairly treated. I have a friend whose little boy seems unusually able to allow other children to do whatever they are doing, even when their actions seem rude and thoughtless, without making a spiteful response. She said he doesn’t come running, crying that kids are being mean. He neither hits nor yells. And he doesn’t seem scared or intimidated. He simply glances at the child who is being mean and then goes on about his own business. It’s as though he has an innate understanding that what others are doing doesn’t have to define him, diminish him or affect him in any way. She says she has even observed him reaching out in an inclusive, kind way to the child who has just been pushy or rude - an act that took her totally by surprise the first time she observed it.
Is Jeffrey’s response to the world around him unique or were we all “Jeffrey’s” until we learned, perhaps at the feet of our parents, to be afraid and retaliatory? Some educators and psychologists say that most behaviors are learned. But might we possibly be born with some qualities that we unlearn as the result of the prompting we get from the adults in our lives? Children certainly observe retaliation every day, on television, in our homes, in the classroom. Might we groove a certain kind of response simply because we see it in others hundreds of times daily? Perhaps we can never know the answer to this, but we can be certain that we can change our responses, at any age, to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
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We can decide, once and for all, to never consider ourselves unfairly treated. What happens to us or around us is an opportunity to make an observation, say a prayer, and then move on. What freedom there is in that!
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APR 20 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are saying and doing. The freedom to not be shamed, cajoled, or controlled by what anyone else is doing or saying, is one of the gifts I most treasure these days. I didn’t know, for most of my life, that I could live relatively unaffected by what other people were thinking or doing. On the contrary, nearly every word spoken or movement made by anyone within proximity to me tended to decide my fate for that brief few minutes. Who you were and what you said or did defined me!
The awareness that it could ever be different was a long, slow process of learning. It only came in tiny doses, actually. I didn’t receive this gift in one “aha” moment. It came over time and after listening to the wise words of many others who had become my traveling companions on the spiritual path. How grateful I am that we were traveling together, however, and that I am become a willing listener.
Learning to keep our feelings separate from others does not mean ignoring those people who walk among us. In fact, those who walk with us are most often the teachers we have sought. But learning from them what we need to learn does not mean we should be treated poorly or judged in any way. Our lesson is always meant to elevate us, to enlighten us in some way, not to demean us in any way. And the lessons we are here to offer others follow this same pattern. It’s an equal exchange of attention, wisdom, and love. Always.
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Letting other be who they need to be and trusting that my God will protect me is my best assurance of not being controlled by the learning curve of others.
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APR 21 Detachment means no longer adjusting our lives to the whims of others. People change their minds very quickly and oftentimes unexpectedly. That’s human nature. Being able to change when circumstances call for it is good, in fact. It means we are paying attention to the world around us and making choices that better fit our changing circumstances. For instance, if the company one is working for begins to downsize, it is wise to start looking for new work opportunities before the pink slips are handed out.
Allowing for change, whether it is initiated by friends, by strangers, or simply by a situation that involves us, without letting our own focus for the day be completely thrown off kilter or undermined, is a sign of emotional maturity. This is growth we all want to experience. The upheavals all around us, and they are many, for sure, can be observed, learned from, incorporated into our own way of seeing on occasion, and even detached from because nothing, no one or no circumstance, has the capacity to control our sense of self, ever.
In the early decades of my life, I constantly tried to adjust to the whims of significant others, certain it would make me indispensible to them. How wrong I was. We must find our own voice and let it define us. We must find our own Higher Power and let Him guide us. We must trust that with God’s spirit as the unchanging force in our life, we will always be able to handle whatever changes present themselves. This is what has been promised to us.
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Where any one of us is right now is where we can best serve others. The changes that are manifest in anyone’s life, whether appreciated or not at the time, will become our opportunities to rely on God to help us see our way. We can be grateful for the whims of others when we see them from this perspective.
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APR 22 Detachment from others can be nurtured by strengthening our “attachment” to our personal hopes and dreams.
Appreciating the dreams of our friends can be one of the best of exchanges between us. It thrills them to be able to share with us what excites them, and it’s one of our greatest gifts to them to be a witness to the sharing of their dream and then to its unfolding. Yet, allowing that dream to belong solely to them and not making it our own too is very important.
We each must cultivate our own dreams. That’s our purpose for being here.
As with so many other lessons in my life, I had to learn this one the hard way. I didn’t have my own dreams as a young woman. What my friends longed for, I wanted too. I figured this was the best way to be a stable, unrejectable part of the group. I carried this assumption into all my relationships throughout school and even into my first marriage. I was desperate to fit into someone else’s dream. It became my dream to figure out theirs, and then adopt it too. My fear of abandonment was exhausting.
With spiritual recovery, however, came a new way of seeing the possibilities for my life, and this included the invitation to have my own hopes and dreams. Initially, I felt ill-equipped for thinking or seeing in a new way. But gradually I learned to turn to a quiet place within where I sought help. And it came. The dreams had been there all along. I took pen to paper, and the rest is history. My life became what it has become as the result of a dream and conversation with God. I know willingness opened the door. And healthy detachment from the needs, the control, and particularly the emotions of others has become my gift. And what a gift it has been.
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We all have a dream waiting for us. If you have not discovered yours yet, get quiet close your eyes and seek to see it. It will come into view. It comes when we are ready. This you can trust to be true.
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APR 23 Detachment is not interfering with what another person should do. Telling others what we think is best for them is a seductive behavior that can become honed into an ingrained habit, and it’s not a habit that enhances our relationships. Even when people ask us for our opinions, we need to be wary. Expressing what has worked for us, in a similar instance, is acceptable perhaps, but taking it any further than this opens us up to criticism when, and if, the suggestion we make backfires, as it most assuredly will some of the time.
We are moving through our daily lives with absolute intention and with people we have specifically selected because of our common interests and necessary lessons. We might misinterpret this to mean we are in charge of one another, but that would be wrong. Our journeys are simply complementary. As learners, we need each other, and one of our greatest lessons is the power that comes as the result of joining together, sharing our dreams, and bearing witness to one another’s struggles and successes. Shared experiences heighten the joyous ones and lessen the painful ones. Coming together in this supportive way readies all of us for the next leg of our journeys, however they may manifest.
We are cheerleaders. We are not bosses. We are not God. We are not here to judge. We are here, sharing this space and time, making one another’s journeys more peaceful.
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Showing excitement for each other’s journey is good. But let that be enough. If something more is called for, God will take care of filling the need.
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APR 24 Detachment is refusing to let our interactions with others define us. This principle has been touched on myriad times but I think it’s of paramount importance, thus it bears repeating. It is simply too easy to let the actions of others control how we feel about ourselves. Many of us have been falling into this trap since childhood. If she smiles, I must be lovable. If he makes eye contact, I have been noticed. When they frown, I am a failure and worthless. Examples of falling into this trap are endless.
What others do and what they say does reveal a great deal, that’s true. But what do these actions really reveal? My observations, coupled with many years of studying human behavior, tell me that what others do and say reflects what they think of themselves In other words, when someone scolds you or me, or attempts to, we can choose to define it as a reflection of the kind of day that person is having. Our self-worth need not be injured by the attack. It’s equally important, however, not to let our self-worth be tied to the positive reactions of others, either. Our self-worth is a gift from God. Period.
Let me assure you that it’s not easy to let the snarls or the criticisms or the obvious avoidance tactics of others go unnoticed. But responding to them isn’t necessary. Even though we may be screaming inside to respond, we can let our desires slide by. We can look on those actions quietly, noting the struggle that he or she must be having, and say a quiet prayer, instead. What a change in behavior this could be, and the real benefit is how much more peaceful we will feel and how much more peaceful the moment will become for all present.
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No one else defines us. No one! God gave us worth and value when He created us and we need do nothing to deserve it or claim it. This is a principle that bears frequent repeating.
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APR 25 Detachment means no longer needing to be in charge of anything, not even our own lives. I have heard it said many times in many spiritual circles that we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we need to be doing at any moment in time. This isn’t an easy principle to consistently live by, particularly if we are going through a difficult patch of experiences. But thinking that my plan for how my life should unfold is the right plan, the only conceivable plan, has been proven wrong many times over the years. Fortunately! If my plan had succeeded, on any number of occasions, I would not be sitting here now sharing these words with you. I’d have been buried long ago. It’s as simple as that.
Allowing ourselves the luxury of becoming what God intended is so much more peaceful than trying to force situations whose time has not come. The freedom to let life simply be whatever it will be in this moment gives us a lot of extra time to smile at strangers, to lend a helping hand to others, to watch children running down the street, and to appreciate the birds chirping as we take that early morning walk.
Allowing life to simply be doesn’t mean we stand idly by. On the contrary, it means we honor those directions we feel God is sending us. We listen to those words of guidance we feel are directing our way, making sure that no matter what we do in any given moment, we are not causing harm to someone else. Letting go of our attachment to how our life should unfold is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.
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We can trust in God’s direction. Trying to be in charge of the unfolding of our life will simply hinder the journey, throw the outcome off course, and prevent the growth we are ready for now.
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APR 26 Detachment is not disinterest, but that might be the first step. The concept of detachment is generally not easily grasped. When I first heard the word, I was mystified. People told me I needed to “detach” from the troubling circumstances in my life and detach, as well, from the people I felt were causing me such grief. I wondered how I’d ever be able to change them if I detached from them. That, of course, was the whole point; we can’t change others. We can’t control the outcomes of the situations we are a part of. Learning how to fully detach requires a long and arduous learning curve. Staying on the learning path, regardless of how long it takes to grasp the freedom of detachment, becomes its own reward.
As has already been suggested, we won’t learn how to detach on the first try, not even on the one-hundredth try. But we will make progress, and fleeting moments of peace will be our reward. I practiced disinterest before I was able to grasp how to detach. Detachment and disinterest are not the same, of course, but to the onlooker, the witness, they appear to be the same, I needed to act as if I were detaching even when I was still very emotionally charged up by the people or circumstances around me. I needed to prove to myself and others that I could let them be, that I could let be everything that involved others. And after a time, I began to like the feeling of letting go. Eventually, I cherished the moments of turning away rather than holding on to the many people I had previously sought to control.
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Being willing to practice baby steps of detachment is necessary. And having others witness our efforts is what keeps us on the path of this phenomenal exercise in discovering freedom.
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APR 27 Detachment means no longer leading others’ lives. Walking through life with others is one of the many blessings on this journey. But we must also make our own plans and follow our own path rather than blindly following in the footsteps of others. Learning this can be a bit distressing initially. Perhaps we assumed that those who walked with us were there on a mission and we rather liked their input. Their presence freed us from figuring out our own lives.
But turning the reigns over to others prevents us from claiming our own opportunities. We won’t become who God had intended for us to be if we are listening to voices other than His. When we don’t know who we are, and until we have discovered our own very specific purpose here, we’ll flounder and fail to have the impact we could be having on the others we walk among every day.
The desire to be attached to others is not unnatural. As children we attach to our mothers for the first few years. As we begin to mature, but before we develop our own sense of self, we often find ourselves drawn too tightly to the people who have wandered our way and stayed a while. That’s a normal response. But break away we must. We owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, even to the strangers among us. Each one of us must travel our own unique, though complementary, path. Only in this way can we add true benefit to the world around us. Only in this way can we fulfill the will that is God’s.
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Giving to those we walk among is why we are here. Making sure we give what is ours to give and not trying to give that which specifically belongs to others is crucial. Each one of us is necessary to the completion of the journey.
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APR 28 Detachment is respecting the boundaries between yourself and others. The first time I heard people talking about the importance of having boundaries was in a Twelve Step meeting, and I was pretty confused. It was a term I was unfamiliar with, and even as I heard people share, I didn’t understand their terminology or what they were distressed about. To me, a boundary meant something physical, like the hedges that separated the properties in many neighborhoods. But I knew this wasn’t the meaning they were referring to.
After listening to members of the group talk for the whole hour, I was finally able to glimpse that my life was being sabotaged by the unclear boundaries between me and others. I realized that this was how I had always lived, in fact. I left the meeting not knowing if I would or should return.
I had never sought boundaries before this time. I had preferred enmeshment, actually. It meant you needed me, that I was the center of your life. Boundaries meant we were unnecessary to each other, and I was terrified of being unnecessary. That was how my life had felt for decades, and I had tried for years to deaden the pain of being invisible. My lack of success was what brought me into the very Twelve Step meeting where I heard about boundaries for the first time. The dilemma was unavoidable; I wanted to live without pain, but how!
I look back on this first meeting as God’s answer to my search for freedom from the pain that had haunted me for years. We are always being led to the place where wisdom awaits us if we believe in the possibility that there is a solution that’s perfect for us.
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I believe that respecting the boundaries between us is what actually allows us to come together in ways that really matter. We are students and teachers interchangeably, but we must not blur the lines between us.
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APR 29 Detachment is freedom from the desire to get someone back. There are many reasons we may want to verbally attack someone. Perhaps we felt put down or embarrassed by something a co-worker said to us or about us when we were not present. Or a friend quite unexpectedly excluded us from an event she was planning that included all our mutual friends. Maybe we got wind of a rumor that was being spread about us, a vicious one in fact, and wholly untrue. In all these instances and many more, the urge to get back at the person who nailed us is powerful. Our ego is easily engaged by the ego attack of another. Accepting that this is a normal reaction is important. However, we don’t want to stay in that frame of mind. This is even more important.
As children we are quick to fight back. Perhaps we are even encouraged to do so. Many parents push their children to be tough and to stand up to the classroom bully. It’s not an easy lesson to learn that what we may have had to do in childhood to survive is not what we need to do as adults. Allowing others to have their say, regardless of what it is and knowing that it doesn’t define us, is freedom at its finest. We don’t get to that awareness immediately. It generally takes many experiences with multiple people too see that letting someone have their say, whatever it may be, is far more pleasant than doing battle with them. Letting others think whatever they want to think, or do whatever they want to do, are marvelous gifts to us. Being unburdened by the need to interact over every little experience that comes our way gives us so much extra time to simply enjoy being alive.
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It’s the little freedoms that count the most as we age, and this is one of them. Enjoy it to the fullest.
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APR 30 Detachment is the freedom not to be angry or sad. Many would argue that we can’t keep our feelings separate from the actions of others or the circumstances that have befallen us. I am certainly not trying to convince you that this is an easy task, but it is doable. While I admit it has taken me hundreds of practice sessions, and the willingness, again and again, to look the other way, to turn a deaf ear, to let others have their own meltdowns and ego attacks without me getting ensnared, it is possible. And it feels so good when we succeed!
Accepting our powerlessness over the behavior of others isn’t easy. We think, If only I’d said it this way. Or perhaps, If only I had made that special dinner or brought flowers first. We get fooled into thinking that if we do something differently, we might get the object of our attention to do something differently, too. Alas, that’s never going to happen, unless by accident. People do what they do. Period! Our good fortune is to learn how empowered we feel when we let them!
Awaking each morning, being grateful to know that we can have the kind of day we want, is one of the gifts of embracing a spiritual program. Relieving ourselves of the burden of trying to make others conform to our wishes is a gift we can gladly unwrap a day at a time.
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Today promises to be a happy one, regardless of what others are doing, if we are attending to our own business and no one else’s.
APR 1 Detachment is not letting anyone else decide how you feel. Everyone else decided how I felt for much of the first forty years of my life. It’s embarrassing to admit this, and seeing it in print is even more discomfiting. But I can’t escape who I was. Owning who we are, or were, throughout our lifetime is necessary if we want to embrace becoming someone who has another set of characteristics. Few of us will choose to stay as we were as youngsters for our entire lives; however, many of us will fear making changes of any consequence as adults. I definitely fell into this category.
I still remember so clearly trying to guess what was in someone else’s mind so what was in mine could mirror it. This way I was certain to be in that person’s favor. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be, other than a shadow of someone else. Was I always this way? I really don’t know. I do have a glimmering of having dreams for myself as a young girl, dreams that didn’t rely on others. I wrote short stories and plays in elementary school in which I solved mysteries and discovered clues no one else could find. I don’t know where that girl went, but by junior high she was gone. From then on, I got quiet and tried to fit in. That’s all. And I hoped others would not reject me. If the people around me didn’t show warm approval, I was crushed. The pain of that period was daunting, but during that time I finally learned to turn to God, and that was the lesson I needed.
I look back over my life, as you do yours, no doubt, and wonder how I got from there to here. But I know, as do you, that where we are now is where our next lessons lie. We don’t have to be afraid. Our lessons have waited for us, and we can handle whatever comes. We always did and we always will.
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No longer does anyone else have the power to control how I feel. The same is true for you. We get to decide that for ourselves. Isn’t this a great and wonderful gift?
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APR 2 Detachment is letting others take care of their own affairs. It seems like such a simple decision to let others be in charge of their own affairs However, we quite mindlessly put our attention on others with more than frequent regularity. Particularly among many of us who caringly raised children, we developed a habit that we transfer to other people who really don’t need our care. The habit becomes ingrained, and then we find ourselves in the position of doing for others what they really must do for themselves.
I don’t mean to suggest that we can’t help others. Being kind and accommodating are worthy traits. But we really must establish boundaries between what is helpful and what is suffocating. No one accomplishes what he is here to learn when any one of us does too much. The real beneficiary of letting others be in charge of their own affairs is ourselves, of course. It gives us more time to grow and to play.
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Practicing detachment must happen before it becomes an accomplished skill. For most, it’s a daily practice, in fact. And that’s okay. It’s worth it.
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APR 3 Attachment to people deadlocks our growth. Those women and men on our journey are blessings, for sure. Every one of them. Even those people who seem difficult to be around. It’s been said by the really wise that the more difficult an encounter, the greater the lesson and the ultimate wisdom gained. But if we let the presence of anyone on our path, those we adore as well as those we abhor, sidetrack us from the “work” we are here to do, we will be cheating everyone else too. That’s simply how it works. Our interconnection to all humanity makes this so.
Attaching ourselves to others seems like a natural response. The feeling of aloneness, of separation from others, is palpable and haunting. So then we cling to whoever wanders too close much like a moth to a flame. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, however. Wanting connection with others is good. It’s normal. It’s also very healing for both parties. But nurturing a connection for the purpose of healing our wounded inner spirit and forming an attachment that stifles the growth of either party are not the reasons we have found each other on this journey. We have found each other solely to act as listeners, healers, prayerful companions, not to be hostages to each other.
We are free to grow and help each other grow. Consider every expression of consideration like the raindrops that are so necessary to the seedlings a farmer plants each spring. We are doing our part every time we offer an attentive heart. Nothing more is asked of us.
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Being free to love and honor one another is the purpose of the journey.
We can do this only when we allow our companions the freedom they need, the same freedom we too must value.
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APR 4 Detachment can be as simple as breathing and walking away. Detachment is a cold-sounding word, isn’t it? It suggests being unsympathetic, perhaps ignoring someone, or even worse, shunning them completely. Many are confused when they first hear the word. It wasn’t until I sat through many 12 Step meetings and read a lot of literature about letting others make their own journeys that I managed to get a glimmering of what detachment meant. My respect for the others on my path grew as a result of what I was learning, and this fostered greater respect for myself.
My guess is that your experiences somewhat mirror mine. Walking beside others is what we are here to do. That’s why others have gathered. But walking side by side is far different than pushing our specific direction on someone else. If our motive is to express joy about another’s journey, allowing her or him to have what fits for them, we are fulfilling God’s will for us. If, instead, we are directing traffic, we have usurped God’s role in their lives, and it’s time to back off.
Recognizing when it’s time to back off isn’t easy. I have been practicing detachment for many years and I still want to be the traffic cop at times. But I have learned a valuable lesson that I’d like to share. Whenever I decide to “take over,” or try to, it’s because of fear, oftentimes an unnamed fear, but fear nonetheless. At these moments, taking a deep breath and seeking to feel the presence of God allows me to shift my perspective and get into right relationship with Him.
Nothing about this is easy. But every effort we make adds peace to the world around us. And that’s a worthy commitment.
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Deciding to walk away from a person or a situation, instead of insisting we should be in charge, is appropriate unless we are directly being affected. Being willing to honestly assess our necessity to the outcome is the key.
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APR 5 Detachment can be enhanced by prayer. Very few people are born with the natural capacity to detach from the struggles, the anger, or the personal failures of those they love. I believe my own fear of how others’ behavior will affect me has prompted me to want to control others’ actions, opinions, and even their long-term goals. Learning to live without this inclination is what the journey is about. And it’s a daily reprieve when I practice letting go and relying instead on the Serenity Prayer when confronted with those situations and people who seem to be screaming for my involvement in their lives.
Embracing detachment is a wholesome commitment to make. It doesn’t make a culprit of anyone. Nor does it hold anyone hostage to whims and opinions. And best of all, it allow us to pursue the work that’s truly ours to do. Lest I make this sound too easy, let me assure you that I have spent years practicing this behavior.
At first I thought detachment meant ignoring others, turning my back on them completely. A mentor helped me to see that detachment meant loving others in the truest sense: letting them grow into their own skins, and not be extensions of me. What has made my occasional success with detachment possible, however, is vigilant prayer. God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
I wish I could say that I embrace healthy detachment every day, but some days I cling, some days I manipulate. Some days I am fearful and react in ways that surprise me. But I am teachable. We all are.
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Being open to prayer is a way to discover the power of detachment. It strengthens our willingness to live differently, to see God as a companion, not as a stranger; and to claim Him as a solution to anything that’s troubling us.
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APR 6 Detachment means giving up “hostages.” The word Hostage carries with it such a negative connotation, doesn’t it? It brings to mind war, prison camps, abductions, and criminal activities. In this Book, “hostage taking” has a less sinister meaning, but it’s still insidious if allowed to fester. Taking a hostage might be little more than the focused attention we devote to others. It could mean clinging tightly to some as he is trying to spread his wings. It may feel like love to the “host,” but to the hostage it generally feels suffocating.
Before I found the recovery rooms, I was an expert at hostage taking. If we are uncertain about our own path, our own future, if our own connection to a Higher Power is not secure, we can transfer that need for security into a need for constant attention from and for another person, an activity that will cause a friendship to wither and die. Our role in one another’s life is to nurture growth and peace and wholeness. This can only happen when the touch we offer one another is light, not tight. When we release rather than grasp. When we celebrate freedom, not stifle it.
It is possible to learn how to detach. As I have shared already throughout this book, I am a work in progress. What’s crucial to understand is that the hostage taker is in prison right along with the hostage. No one wins. No one grows. No one walks her intended path if bound to another person. If this message speaks to you, then let go. Now. The time is right. For both of you.
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Helping each other with a concept like detachment is such a blessing. Walking the walk is the best way to help, bit sharing our experience, strength, and hope is helpful too. We travel together as way-showers, imitating unhealthy behavior is not what we are here to learn. From among those we observe, let’s carefully choose the behaviors that will enhance our own and others’ lives today.
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APR 7 Detachment is letting the outcome of another’s behavior be his or her problem. Letting a friend or family member experience the consequences of his or her actions is not an easy decision to make. But it’s the right decision. If we try to lighten their consequences or assume them ourselves, we are interfering with the growth our companion is scheduled to experience. If we could only think of it in that way, we’d be better able to let go. We are scheduled for certain experiences as we journey along this path, every one of us. Learning how to detach is on our schedule, or we wouldn’t be sharing this book!
Thinking of it in this way makes the practice of detachment, which isn’t all that easy, far less frustration and more exciting. Knowing that we are being given these opportunities and challenges because we are ready for them, have been prepared for them in fact, and are serving as examples to others of what detachment looks like makes life here far more meaningful.
Our purpose in life is not always clear to us. Nor does it need to be. Likely we have more than one purpose in a lifetime. But clearly, showing up lovingly in the lives of others is one of the purposes we all share, and there isn’t a more loving way to show up than to act as a witness to another’s growth. Being a witness means being an observer. It doesn’t mean interference. It doesn’t necessarily require any words. It may mean quiet prayer, on occasion. It may mean offering a suggestion but only if one is requested. Witnessing is simply casting a loving eye on the person who has crossed our path for the moment or for a lifetime. This is an assignment we can all cherish and succeed at.
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Being a witness to one another is a gift we can have every moment of every day. This is why we have come together. We are not present, in this life, to be in charge of one another but to cherish the moment God has given each of us.
Relish this time of observation and love.
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APR 8 Detachment is doing the “next right thing: without focusing on the outcome. Turning over to God the outcome of every situation allows us to act freely and with the trust that honors God. Our lives have been blessed repeatedly. Hindsight reveals this. Most of us can think of several times when we were “saved” from a dreaded outcome. And we know why, don’t we? God had a better plan for us than the one we were crafting. Simply doing what feels right in the moment is all that’s being asked of us. God is waiting to do the rest. He has always been waiting. Our job was and always will be to acknowledge Him.
This assurance is a powerful gift and one we deserve. We are God’s children, after all. There was a time in my past when I recoiled at this idea. Now I am relieved by it, I am comforted by it. My problems are solved by my remembrance of it. My work is to open my heart to God’s loving spirit and to pass on the peace and hope that passes through me. My job is not to direct the traffic around me. It’s to witness what’s present, seek a quiet place within, and ask God what my next action should be. Does that sound like a reasonable plan to you as well?
The more of us there are who step away from the role of directing the lives of others, choosing instead to pass on peace and hope and love and prayer, the greater will be the rewards reaped by all humanity. We are invited to carry this goodness forward. Letting God’s will prevail in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones allows peace to prevail in our hearts; surely this is peace that passes all understanding.
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Making our lives quieter, simpler, and more peaceful is a worthy choice. Letting God be God is how to do it.
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APR 9 Detachment is realizing that our lives are not dependent on what others are doing. We can live parallel and complementary lives, with intense and intimate joining, while not stifling each other’s journey. Each of us has been called to handle particular tasks, and we can appreciate those persons close at hand as witnesses. But that doesn’t imply that we need their approval or involvement to fulfill our purpose. Living in community, not in isolation, is the passageway to the healing. But living with others does not mean on top of others.
How freeing it is to know that we share this journey by design. Each one of us has a director who works in concert with us. We are the players, and the encounters we have with others happen according to the script that is destined to move us forward. The script does not have to be figured out alone. We have the guidance of God to see us through the good times and bad. They will balance each other out, even though we may feel that the bad times are relentless. It’s during those times that we may wish we could be dependent on others. It’s natural to feel that way. And it’s also fortunate that we are learning that healthy relationships rely on us relying on God and not on our human support system for our answers.
Being dependent on the actions of any person for our preservation or our definition has become a habit for many of us, and it prevents us from connection with God and His strength in our lives. Our answers are waiting for us. Let’s not tarry.
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Being too dependent on someone else for any reason doesn’t allow us to fully experience the sacred moments of our lives. Let’s not throw away those moments.
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APR 10 Detachment is showing by example, not words, how our lives can change. I was at a great 12 Step meeting today where several people shared how their lives had changed as the result of practicing the principle of detachment. After years of pleading, cajoling, and being angry and resentful with their “qualifier,” thy finally just accepted that their loved ones’ journeys were none of their business. The particular gift of this meeting was that a newcomer was able to hear the wisdom from all these people, wisdom each one had acquired over the last few months or years of coming to the fellowship.
Because each person who shared offered examples of how their behavior had changed, the newcomer was able to see that she could change her behavior too. Never was it guaranteed that the behavior of the addict would change, but the behavior of everyone else around the addict could and will change, in fact, if the principle of detachment is practiced.
That’s the beauty of sharing our experience, strength, and hope. Our failed past attempts to control someone on our path, when shared with others, can serve as examples that giving up control, as quickly as possible, will assure the best results. And it will allow the “controller” the relief she deserves, relief that will become inner peace in due time. Every one of us who sits in these meetings is being schooled in a new way of seeing and acting. An additional payoff is that the more any one of us mind our own business, the less we are contributing to the level of tension in our homes. The ripple effect of that decision is phenomenal.
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There are two kinds of business: my business and none of my business. This is a principle that can and will change every discussion that any one of us has. I invite you to practice this. And then watch the miracles occur.
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APR 11 Detachment is looking at life from a distance. Removing ourselves from the thick of a situation that is really none of our business is another way of interpreting the meaning of detachment. It doesn’t mean being uninterested in the people who are close to us or in the ultimate outcome of a situation that has ensnared one of them, or not caring about the well-being of anyone else. It simply means letting the affairs of others belong to those rightful parties. This is really good advice and definitely the advice we’d get from a wise grandparent or mentor or God if we sought God’s help.
But thinking we need to be a critical part of the journey of every loved one, or sometimes even of mere acquaintances, and the solution that is always in process is owing to our own insecurities about letting others have their own very necessary lives, lives that may be moving in another direction without us.
Many of us have grown up in families that were overly involved in the tiny details of our lives, and our culture certainly fosters the idea that other people’s business is ours to resolve. This gets played out on the international stage every day. But there is at least one other way to look at the experiences we are privy to. We can learn to believe that our best efforts on behalf of anyone, anywhere, might be a simple hope or prayer that they will be willing to listen to God who is surely available to them. Wanting to be necessary to others is a form of codependency, and it’s not in anyone’s best interests. No one grows when that’s the intent of our interactions.
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Watching the activities around us with a sense of appreciation, and the knowledge that we are being honored by the opportunity to offer our prayers on behalf of all those participants, makes our involvement what it should be: loving detachment from a distance.
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APR 12 Detachment is knowing that you are not the center of anyone else’s life. Sharing our life with someone can be good, very good, in fact. And intentional, an important detail of God’s plan, you might even say. But living in the center of someone else’s life, cut off from our own dreams and aspirations, is like being caged, and the freedom that could and should be yours to experience is missing.
We aren’t present to each other here and now to act as strict bodyguards or to make demands on how life must be lived. We have divinely encountered each other because of the very special information each one of us has already acquired on our journey, information that is ready to be passed on. Giving away what we have been given is how we keep it. Remember? But if we narrow our focus too much and only dance to the tune of our current partner, we are not participating in give-and-take, and we are sidestepping what God may want next for our lives.
Living in the center of our own life may be a new experience. For all of us it’s been, at some time, a learned experience that we must practice. As children we naturally gravitated to the others in our lives, letting them define us, dictate to us, control us. But we can make other choices now. And life will never look the same.
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Not being controlled by someone else’s whims is the freedom we all deserve, but it’s the freedom we may fear claiming, too. It will wait for you. And when you take the plunge, you will never look back.
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APR 13 Detachment means following your own heart’s desire. More than thirty years ago, I read a book titled Following Your Heart’s Desire. It was an unfamiliar concept to me then. My life had always been about trying to decipher what was in someone else’s heart and then following that intention as though it were mine too. I truly didn’t know what my own heart desired, other than wanting to be the center of that special person’s life. I couldn’t imagine even what the idea meant. Being enmeshed with the many people I journeyed with seemed natural, as though that were our reason for being together. How long ago that seems and how much I have learned since then!
Enmeshment is deadly, actually, because it quickly depletes our energy. It denies the presence of the God’s voice residing within us that desires to be heard. And it finally kills our spirit. How sad that so many of us choose enmeshment as a way of life anyway. Perhaps it seems easier than searching our own hearts and minds for what matters to us. But when we don’t make the effort to discern who we need to be and what we need to offer to those who travel with us, we are misspending our lives and failing to reap the joys that come with following our own hearts’ desire.
Perhaps it’s time to revisit how we look at the opportunities and the people who share our current circumstances. Are we showing up as ourselves or as caricatures that we think they might better appreciate? If the latter, then think again. The only time we have to be ourselves, fully, is now. That’s what God wants from us. That’s what our companions prefer. And that’s what our heart desires too.
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Discerning where we need to be complementary and where we need to be true to our own inner voice is a sign of emotional maturity. It takes practice and willingness and time. All three are available to us.
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APR 14 Detachment is relinquishing the role of being someone else’s Higher Power. I used to think it was my job to control the significant people in my life. Having been first an elementary school teacher, where I needed to be in charge, and then the wife of an alcoholic, I easily adapted to this role, and was pretty good at it, or so I thought. But after years of frustration and deep emotional pain, coupled with a divorce and many failed relationships, I was steered to the fellowship of Al-Anon where I was told that my attempt to control others was simply never going to be successful. I might get acquiescence or compliance or wear someone down for a while, but actually getting them to do only what I wanted them to do would be short-lived, at best. At first, I didn’t buy it. I was certain that all I had to do was figure out the right words, the right actions, the right promises, and I’d get the results I wanted. But I was wrong. Thank goodness I was wrong!
Allowing others to be responsible for themselves is like taking a vacation in the middle of winter or getting a snow day when one least expects it. It’s freeing. It’s joyous. It releases us to explore a new activity, perhaps. And giving up trying to counsel others, whomever they happen to be, allows then=m the respect they deserve.
Our purpose in their lives may be as a way-shower, a teacher of sorts, but foisting our own way of seeing, of believing, and of acting on others isn’t part of the equation that brought us together. We have come together for what we need to learn, that’s true, but that doesn’t include trying to take over one another’s life.
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My own Higher Power is who directs my life. and you have yours too; we each have our own Higher Power. We are present to each other to be way-showers, sharing our experience, strength, and hope. And that’s quite enough.
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APR 15 Detachment is not being diminished by the behavior of others. My experience has been that this is one of the more difficult principles to apply. When others treat us unkindly, as they often do, it’s easy to think we must have done something to deserve it. In fact, maybe we, too, had been unkind first. However, someone’s actions or behavior need not determine how anyone else perceives themselves and then acts. We are “dancing” every moment with our companions, and the smoothness of the dance-or its opposite-will be felt, observed by others and used as the stuff of interpretation for the next move. The dance, be it gentle or diminishing, will continue. Fortunately, we can decide if we want to steer the dance in a new direction.
Thinking of our experiences with others as opportunities to express and accept unconditional love-even when it doesn’t appear to be that-is courageous, mind-altering, and wonderful preparation for every next moment in time. Deciding to believe that everyone’s actions are expressing love or a call for love is what allows for the willingness to accept wherever someone else is on their journey. When we can nurture that, our own journey flourishes. It’s not easy to say, “His actions don’t determine my worth,” but when we make a practice of this (and we can succeed at this task, I assure you), a path to a more loving and intimate future with all companions will become possible.
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The dance floor is ours and the dance is of our choosing. Will it be a waltz, a fox-trot, or a ballet? Or will we sit on the sidelines feeling exposed and unchosen? The choice is ours.
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APR 16 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are doing. A child screaming on an airplane or a mother loudly scolding her child in a grocery store can easily stir up feeling in me. I either want to aid the child, thing I should do something to alleviate the anguish being expressed or I want to get out of the enclosed area immediately. In many cases that’s not possible, and getting involved in the business of a parent and her child, unless the child is being injured, is never appropriate. There is a response that is, however. It’s quiet but ever so effective: it’s prayer. Prayer changes my inner spaces and quiets my mind and can have a positive effect on anyone who might be feeling the frustration of either situation.
Detaching from the chaos of the external world, regardless of the nature of the chaos, is something I have practiced for many years. I applied this tool when mean-spirited people used to wander across my path. I find it rather interesting that since I have learned how to detach, I seldom come into contact with mean-spirited people. I think we discover in others what we expect to find. If I am expecting to be put down or ignored, just possibly that’s the antenna I have extended.
In the give-and-take of our lives, we get what we expect, and it generally matches what we have extended. It puts the responsibility for the life we want squarely in our hands, doesn’t it? But when the unexpected and frustrating do occur, we have a tool bag to use.
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Watching others from the sidelines is sometimes best. We need not be involved in much of what’s happening in our midst. Caring about the people present is not the same as acting on their behalf. Let’s make sure we know the difference.
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APR 17 Detachment is taking responsibility for your feelings. Stomping my foot as a kid, pouting and blaming my brother for whatever I had been caught doing as was being reprimanded for, is a familiar memory. I hated owning up to my shortcomings. Even more, I hated the feeling that I had been caught. I still don’t relish admitting my faults. Perhaps no one does. But allowing for their existence and making restitution when necessary, along with making the decision to change those behaviors that are clearly infringing on the rights of others, does free us from feelings of guilt and shame, rather than letting those characteristics define us completely.
We are never unaware of when we have harmed someone else or stepped over the line in how we responded to them, regardless of our words to the contrary. Simply feeling angry when caught or feeling unfairly treated if corrected is irresponsible and won’t free us to become the persons who already are within us just waiting to be acknowledged.
Detachment is an interesting concept. It doesn’t mean being uncaring. It doesn’t mean being isolated and uninvolved. It means having emotional clarity, showing support where it’s needed, making apologies where necessary, and blaming no one.
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Being responsible for our actions and the feelings that accompany them, and nothing more, is enough to focus on each day.
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APR18 Detachment means no longer harboring thoughts of “attachment.” Oh, how I longed to be “attached” to someone in my youth, to be on his arm, so to speak! To be chosen as a girlfriend meant that I was popular, that I mattered and was truly special, at least to “him.” Not being attached to someone defined me to others in a way that diminished me, I thought. It saddens me to recall how empty I felt inside back then. It was an emptiness that I ultimately tried to fill with alcohol when having a boyfriend and then a husband didn’t fill me up, but to no avail. And that’s the good news, of course. It was a long journey from there to here, however, a long sometimes very painful journey.
It wasn’t until my late thirties that I began to understand how insidious my need for attachment actually was. Seeing myself only in relationship to others, always defining myself by how I perceived the way that others were perceiving me, meant that my very fragile personae was frequently being fractured by the whimsy of others.
It’s simply not true that most people intentionally hurt us. Our collective thoughtlessness is often what is the root cause of many of the hurts we all experience. But for years I didn’t know this. I assumed I deserved whatever I seemed to be getting. Knowing this, as I now do, and having learned that others’ behavior is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, has allowed me such freedom. Are you sharing in this understanding, at this stage of your life?
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Acting as helpmates to one another so that we all have a better understanding of what detachment versus attachment means is a great undertaking. And sharing with one another our experience is the place to begin. That’s what I am trying to do here. And I hope you can see your own progress.
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APR 19 Detachment is no longer feeling unfairly treated. I have a friend whose little boy seems unusually able to allow other children to do whatever they are doing, even when their actions seem rude and thoughtless, without making a spiteful response. She said he doesn’t come running, crying that kids are being mean. He neither hits nor yells. And he doesn’t seem scared or intimidated. He simply glances at the child who is being mean and then goes on about his own business. It’s as though he has an innate understanding that what others are doing doesn’t have to define him, diminish him or affect him in any way. She says she has even observed him reaching out in an inclusive, kind way to the child who has just been pushy or rude - an act that took her totally by surprise the first time she observed it.
Is Jeffrey’s response to the world around him unique or were we all “Jeffrey’s” until we learned, perhaps at the feet of our parents, to be afraid and retaliatory? Some educators and psychologists say that most behaviors are learned. But might we possibly be born with some qualities that we unlearn as the result of the prompting we get from the adults in our lives? Children certainly observe retaliation every day, on television, in our homes, in the classroom. Might we groove a certain kind of response simply because we see it in others hundreds of times daily? Perhaps we can never know the answer to this, but we can be certain that we can change our responses, at any age, to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
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We can decide, once and for all, to never consider ourselves unfairly treated. What happens to us or around us is an opportunity to make an observation, say a prayer, and then move on. What freedom there is in that!
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APR 20 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are saying and doing. The freedom to not be shamed, cajoled, or controlled by what anyone else is doing or saying, is one of the gifts I most treasure these days. I didn’t know, for most of my life, that I could live relatively unaffected by what other people were thinking or doing. On the contrary, nearly every word spoken or movement made by anyone within proximity to me tended to decide my fate for that brief few minutes. Who you were and what you said or did defined me!
The awareness that it could ever be different was a long, slow process of learning. It only came in tiny doses, actually. I didn’t receive this gift in one “aha” moment. It came over time and after listening to the wise words of many others who had become my traveling companions on the spiritual path. How grateful I am that we were traveling together, however, and that I am become a willing listener.
Learning to keep our feelings separate from others does not mean ignoring those people who walk among us. In fact, those who walk with us are most often the teachers we have sought. But learning from them what we need to learn does not mean we should be treated poorly or judged in any way. Our lesson is always meant to elevate us, to enlighten us in some way, not to demean us in any way. And the lessons we are here to offer others follow this same pattern. It’s an equal exchange of attention, wisdom, and love. Always.
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Letting other be who they need to be and trusting that my God will protect me is my best assurance of not being controlled by the learning curve of others.
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APR 21 Detachment means no longer adjusting our lives to the whims of others. People change their minds very quickly and oftentimes unexpectedly. That’s human nature. Being able to change when circumstances call for it is good, in fact. It means we are paying attention to the world around us and making choices that better fit our changing circumstances. For instance, if the company one is working for begins to downsize, it is wise to start looking for new work opportunities before the pink slips are handed out.
Allowing for change, whether it is initiated by friends, by strangers, or simply by a situation that involves us, without letting our own focus for the day be completely thrown off kilter or undermined, is a sign of emotional maturity. This is growth we all want to experience. The upheavals all around us, and they are many, for sure, can be observed, learned from, incorporated into our own way of seeing on occasion, and even detached from because nothing, no one or no circumstance, has the capacity to control our sense of self, ever.
In the early decades of my life, I constantly tried to adjust to the whims of significant others, certain it would make me indispensible to them. How wrong I was. We must find our own voice and let it define us. We must find our own Higher Power and let Him guide us. We must trust that with God’s spirit as the unchanging force in our life, we will always be able to handle whatever changes present themselves. This is what has been promised to us.
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Where any one of us is right now is where we can best serve others. The changes that are manifest in anyone’s life, whether appreciated or not at the time, will become our opportunities to rely on God to help us see our way. We can be grateful for the whims of others when we see them from this perspective.
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APR 22 Detachment from others can be nurtured by strengthening our “attachment” to our personal hopes and dreams.
Appreciating the dreams of our friends can be one of the best of exchanges between us. It thrills them to be able to share with us what excites them, and it’s one of our greatest gifts to them to be a witness to the sharing of their dream and then to its unfolding. Yet, allowing that dream to belong solely to them and not making it our own too is very important.
We each must cultivate our own dreams. That’s our purpose for being here.
As with so many other lessons in my life, I had to learn this one the hard way. I didn’t have my own dreams as a young woman. What my friends longed for, I wanted too. I figured this was the best way to be a stable, unrejectable part of the group. I carried this assumption into all my relationships throughout school and even into my first marriage. I was desperate to fit into someone else’s dream. It became my dream to figure out theirs, and then adopt it too. My fear of abandonment was exhausting.
With spiritual recovery, however, came a new way of seeing the possibilities for my life, and this included the invitation to have my own hopes and dreams. Initially, I felt ill-equipped for thinking or seeing in a new way. But gradually I learned to turn to a quiet place within where I sought help. And it came. The dreams had been there all along. I took pen to paper, and the rest is history. My life became what it has become as the result of a dream and conversation with God. I know willingness opened the door. And healthy detachment from the needs, the control, and particularly the emotions of others has become my gift. And what a gift it has been.
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We all have a dream waiting for us. If you have not discovered yours yet, get quiet close your eyes and seek to see it. It will come into view. It comes when we are ready. This you can trust to be true.
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APR 23 Detachment is not interfering with what another person should do. Telling others what we think is best for them is a seductive behavior that can become honed into an ingrained habit, and it’s not a habit that enhances our relationships. Even when people ask us for our opinions, we need to be wary. Expressing what has worked for us, in a similar instance, is acceptable perhaps, but taking it any further than this opens us up to criticism when, and if, the suggestion we make backfires, as it most assuredly will some of the time.
We are moving through our daily lives with absolute intention and with people we have specifically selected because of our common interests and necessary lessons. We might misinterpret this to mean we are in charge of one another, but that would be wrong. Our journeys are simply complementary. As learners, we need each other, and one of our greatest lessons is the power that comes as the result of joining together, sharing our dreams, and bearing witness to one another’s struggles and successes. Shared experiences heighten the joyous ones and lessen the painful ones. Coming together in this supportive way readies all of us for the next leg of our journeys, however they may manifest.
We are cheerleaders. We are not bosses. We are not God. We are not here to judge. We are here, sharing this space and time, making one another’s journeys more peaceful.
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Showing excitement for each other’s journey is good. But let that be enough. If something more is called for, God will take care of filling the need.
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APR 24 Detachment is refusing to let our interactions with others define us. This principle has been touched on myriad times but I think it’s of paramount importance, thus it bears repeating. It is simply too easy to let the actions of others control how we feel about ourselves. Many of us have been falling into this trap since childhood. If she smiles, I must be lovable. If he makes eye contact, I have been noticed. When they frown, I am a failure and worthless. Examples of falling into this trap are endless.
What others do and what they say does reveal a great deal, that’s true. But what do these actions really reveal? My observations, coupled with many years of studying human behavior, tell me that what others do and say reflects what they think of themselves In other words, when someone scolds you or me, or attempts to, we can choose to define it as a reflection of the kind of day that person is having. Our self-worth need not be injured by the attack. It’s equally important, however, not to let our self-worth be tied to the positive reactions of others, either. Our self-worth is a gift from God. Period.
Let me assure you that it’s not easy to let the snarls or the criticisms or the obvious avoidance tactics of others go unnoticed. But responding to them isn’t necessary. Even though we may be screaming inside to respond, we can let our desires slide by. We can look on those actions quietly, noting the struggle that he or she must be having, and say a quiet prayer, instead. What a change in behavior this could be, and the real benefit is how much more peaceful we will feel and how much more peaceful the moment will become for all present.
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No one else defines us. No one! God gave us worth and value when He created us and we need do nothing to deserve it or claim it. This is a principle that bears frequent repeating.
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APR 25 Detachment means no longer needing to be in charge of anything, not even our own lives. I have heard it said many times in many spiritual circles that we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we need to be doing at any moment in time. This isn’t an easy principle to consistently live by, particularly if we are going through a difficult patch of experiences. But thinking that my plan for how my life should unfold is the right plan, the only conceivable plan, has been proven wrong many times over the years. Fortunately! If my plan had succeeded, on any number of occasions, I would not be sitting here now sharing these words with you. I’d have been buried long ago. It’s as simple as that.
Allowing ourselves the luxury of becoming what God intended is so much more peaceful than trying to force situations whose time has not come. The freedom to let life simply be whatever it will be in this moment gives us a lot of extra time to smile at strangers, to lend a helping hand to others, to watch children running down the street, and to appreciate the birds chirping as we take that early morning walk.
Allowing life to simply be doesn’t mean we stand idly by. On the contrary, it means we honor those directions we feel God is sending us. We listen to those words of guidance we feel are directing our way, making sure that no matter what we do in any given moment, we are not causing harm to someone else. Letting go of our attachment to how our life should unfold is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.
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We can trust in God’s direction. Trying to be in charge of the unfolding of our life will simply hinder the journey, throw the outcome off course, and prevent the growth we are ready for now.
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APR 26 Detachment is not disinterest, but that might be the first step. The concept of detachment is generally not easily grasped. When I first heard the word, I was mystified. People told me I needed to “detach” from the troubling circumstances in my life and detach, as well, from the people I felt were causing me such grief. I wondered how I’d ever be able to change them if I detached from them. That, of course, was the whole point; we can’t change others. We can’t control the outcomes of the situations we are a part of. Learning how to fully detach requires a long and arduous learning curve. Staying on the learning path, regardless of how long it takes to grasp the freedom of detachment, becomes its own reward.
As has already been suggested, we won’t learn how to detach on the first try, not even on the one-hundredth try. But we will make progress, and fleeting moments of peace will be our reward. I practiced disinterest before I was able to grasp how to detach. Detachment and disinterest are not the same, of course, but to the onlooker, the witness, they appear to be the same, I needed to act as if I were detaching even when I was still very emotionally charged up by the people or circumstances around me. I needed to prove to myself and others that I could let them be, that I could let be everything that involved others. And after a time, I began to like the feeling of letting go. Eventually, I cherished the moments of turning away rather than holding on to the many people I had previously sought to control.
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Being willing to practice baby steps of detachment is necessary. And having others witness our efforts is what keeps us on the path of this phenomenal exercise in discovering freedom.
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APR 27 Detachment means no longer leading others’ lives. Walking through life with others is one of the many blessings on this journey. But we must also make our own plans and follow our own path rather than blindly following in the footsteps of others. Learning this can be a bit distressing initially. Perhaps we assumed that those who walked with us were there on a mission and we rather liked their input. Their presence freed us from figuring out our own lives.
But turning the reigns over to others prevents us from claiming our own opportunities. We won’t become who God had intended for us to be if we are listening to voices other than His. When we don’t know who we are, and until we have discovered our own very specific purpose here, we’ll flounder and fail to have the impact we could be having on the others we walk among every day.
The desire to be attached to others is not unnatural. As children we attach to our mothers for the first few years. As we begin to mature, but before we develop our own sense of self, we often find ourselves drawn too tightly to the people who have wandered our way and stayed a while. That’s a normal response. But break away we must. We owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, even to the strangers among us. Each one of us must travel our own unique, though complementary, path. Only in this way can we add true benefit to the world around us. Only in this way can we fulfill the will that is God’s.
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Giving to those we walk among is why we are here. Making sure we give what is ours to give and not trying to give that which specifically belongs to others is crucial. Each one of us is necessary to the completion of the journey.
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APR 28 Detachment is respecting the boundaries between yourself and others. The first time I heard people talking about the importance of having boundaries was in a Twelve Step meeting, and I was pretty confused. It was a term I was unfamiliar with, and even as I heard people share, I didn’t understand their terminology or what they were distressed about. To me, a boundary meant something physical, like the hedges that separated the properties in many neighborhoods. But I knew this wasn’t the meaning they were referring to.
After listening to members of the group talk for the whole hour, I was finally able to glimpse that my life was being sabotaged by the unclear boundaries between me and others. I realized that this was how I had always lived, in fact. I left the meeting not knowing if I would or should return.
I had never sought boundaries before this time. I had preferred enmeshment, actually. It meant you needed me, that I was the center of your life. Boundaries meant we were unnecessary to each other, and I was terrified of being unnecessary. That was how my life had felt for decades, and I had tried for years to deaden the pain of being invisible. My lack of success was what brought me into the very Twelve Step meeting where I heard about boundaries for the first time. The dilemma was unavoidable; I wanted to live without pain, but how!
I look back on this first meeting as God’s answer to my search for freedom from the pain that had haunted me for years. We are always being led to the place where wisdom awaits us if we believe in the possibility that there is a solution that’s perfect for us.
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I believe that respecting the boundaries between us is what actually allows us to come together in ways that really matter. We are students and teachers interchangeably, but we must not blur the lines between us.
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APR 29 Detachment is freedom from the desire to get someone back. There are many reasons we may want to verbally attack someone. Perhaps we felt put down or embarrassed by something a co-worker said to us or about us when we were not present. Or a friend quite unexpectedly excluded us from an event she was planning that included all our mutual friends. Maybe we got wind of a rumor that was being spread about us, a vicious one in fact, and wholly untrue. In all these instances and many more, the urge to get back at the person who nailed us is powerful. Our ego is easily engaged by the ego attack of another. Accepting that this is a normal reaction is important. However, we don’t want to stay in that frame of mind. This is even more important.
As children we are quick to fight back. Perhaps we are even encouraged to do so. Many parents push their children to be tough and to stand up to the classroom bully. It’s not an easy lesson to learn that what we may have had to do in childhood to survive is not what we need to do as adults. Allowing others to have their say, regardless of what it is and knowing that it doesn’t define us, is freedom at its finest. We don’t get to that awareness immediately. It generally takes many experiences with multiple people too see that letting someone have their say, whatever it may be, is far more pleasant than doing battle with them. Letting others think whatever they want to think, or do whatever they want to do, are marvelous gifts to us. Being unburdened by the need to interact over every little experience that comes our way gives us so much extra time to simply enjoy being alive.
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It’s the little freedoms that count the most as we age, and this is one of them. Enjoy it to the fullest.
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APR 30 Detachment is the freedom not to be angry or sad. Many would argue that we can’t keep our feelings separate from the actions of others or the circumstances that have befallen us. I am certainly not trying to convince you that this is an easy task, but it is doable. While I admit it has taken me hundreds of practice sessions, and the willingness, again and again, to look the other way, to turn a deaf ear, to let others have their own meltdowns and ego attacks without me getting ensnared, it is possible. And it feels so good when we succeed!
Accepting our powerlessness over the behavior of others isn’t easy. We think, If only I’d said it this way. Or perhaps, If only I had made that special dinner or brought flowers first. We get fooled into thinking that if we do something differently, we might get the object of our attention to do something differently, too. Alas, that’s never going to happen, unless by accident. People do what they do. Period! Our good fortune is to learn how empowered we feel when we let them!
Awaking each morning, being grateful to know that we can have the kind of day we want, is one of the gifts of embracing a spiritual program. Relieving ourselves of the burden of trying to make others conform to our wishes is a gift we can gladly unwrap a day at a time.
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Today promises to be a happy one, regardless of what others are doing, if we are attending to our own business and no one else’s.
