BELIEVING
August 1 Let us always be open to the miracle of second chance. Reverend David Sitier Nunc coepi is a Latin phrase often in seminaries of old. It means, “Now I begin.” Novices were taught to say this each morning, signifying that what was is past, what will be is hidden in the future, and it is only now-this day, this moment-that counts. Not what I did yesterday or what I may do tomorrow. Now I begin. Nunc coepi.
Every day is another chance and a fresh start. It’s important to remember that. Too many of us are hyperaware of all the yesterdays we wasted or the phantom tomorrows that could bring us down. Yet we’re hardly aware at all of the day that’s right here in our hands, shimmering with possibilities. Why do we do that? Why do we so habitually discount and brush off the wonder of the present moment?
One reason may be that we don’t trust ourselves. Because of past mistakes, we’re afraid to get very hopeful. In fear of failing again, we choose to downplay the possibilities and try to settle for what comes, rather than actively creating it. The bottom line may be that we really don’t believe in second chances.
But each day is new whether we believe in it or not. We can begin fresh every morning if we decide to live our lives that way. The miracle isn’t that the chance is there; it always has been there. The miracle is what happens when we reach out to embrace it.
As long as there is life, there is the chance to start over.
August 2 Man is not a creature of circumstances. Circumstances are the creatures of men. Benjamin Disraeli Some of the tragedies and losses people encounter in life are almost too terrible to think about. Many of them are completely random and unpreventable. And along with calamity comes the temptation to give up hope, to abandon the will to continue, to fold up the tent of our self-esteem and just sink into the ground.
Yet there are those who would not give in or give up. These are our examples of the strength of the human spirit. To them, the tragic part of their lives was just that-a part of their lives, one circumstance among many.
Dorothy, at sixty-three, went back to school and got her college degree. This was shortly after her husband died. She learned to drive so she could put her degree to use in a professional job. Then she fell victim to a stroke-a blood clot in the brain. Surgery left her partially visually impaired and subject to a debilitating numbness on her right side. No longer able to drive or to keep her professional job, she responded, “Just because my body no longer works very well doesn’t mean my mind quit.” Now she an author. Some folks just won’t quit. Instead, they create new circumstances.
Persistence is the homely virtue that underlines all others.
August 3 Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth As a landscaper specializing in small spaces, Janet is often asked to create miniature gardens in the courtyards outside of offices. During the planning stage, she’s often amused by her client’s wish for a “sweeping vista” effect-on a fifteen-by-fifteen-foot plot! But she’s less amused when they want her to rewrite Mother Nature’s rules. “They want a shade tree, they got a shade tree,” Janet said. “And now they’re mad about it. Can you imagine people getting mad at a tree for dropping leaves?”
We do it all the time. Foolish as it is, we often get exasperated with people and things for being what they are. We get irritated to find that some of their charms have a most uncharming flipside. Like Janet’s client, we only want the beautiful shade in the summer-not the messy cleanup in the fall.
In many ways, people-including us-simply are what they are. We are our height, our hairlines, our backgrounds. We are our coloring, our race, our sex. Much about us cannot and should not ever be changed. To take all of Nature’s gifts and then bewail the downside is ungrateful as well as foolish.
Self-esteem must not be based on changing what is better accepted.
August 4 He was my North, my South, my East, my West, my working week and Sunday rest, my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song, I thought that love would last forever-I was wrong. W. H. Auden Falling head over heels in love is about the sweetest tumble there is to take. But like all falls, it can be dangerous. We can lose ourselves in our fascination with our newfound beloved. We can literally get carried away from our senses on a sea of love.
To allow another to be “everything” to us is not only injurious to the loved one, but a terrible disservice to ourselves. Being someone else’s “noon and midnight” is a heavy responsibility. Is it really loving to create and hand over such a burden? Especially if we’ve already placed that person on a pedestal too high for comfort?
And what about ourselves? If the beloved is “our talk and our song,” what will become of our own ideas, our own music? The bedazzlement of a new relationship doesn’t last forever. Sooner or later our heads will clear and our perspective will be regained. In the meantime, we’re wise to keep our feet as close to the ground as possible.
To make anyone my “all in all” is to damage my self-esteem.
August 5 Behold I do not give lectures or a little charity, when I give, I give myself. Walt Whitman Self-esteem is certainly one of life’s greatest treasures. That’s why we’d dearly like to instill this trait in those we love. But how can we best accomplish this?
Self-esteem is often associated with performance. This is so because the size of our self-esteem account depends on our repeated experiences of success or failure. Positive for success, negative for failure. Therefore, helping someone achieve positive self-esteem means helping them achieve. But again, how can we best do this?
Count the ways this has been tried: the carrot and stick routine, demanding, threatening, bribing, coaxing, pleading-all have been tried again and again. Yet nothing seems to make more difference than simply showing the others that we care-care about them, about their goals, about their dreams, and the problems they encounter. Which, of course, is far different than promoting our own version of what’s in their self-interest.
I know that caring attention paid to other people’s own goals is the greatest motivator of all.
August 6 As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Carl Jung A truly beautiful object, like a well-designed building or a magnificent gem, can be appreciated from many angles. From either side, top, bottom, close up or far away, a thing of beauty is still beautiful. Photos of earth from space, for example show the entire planet as a breathtaking sight indeed. The microscopic view of a single drop of water, by the same token, reveals dazzling complexity.
Human life, in general, and self-esteem, in particular, are much like that as well. Through self-esteem we can appreciate the close-up beauty of life as we deal in specifics: Do the right thing, strive to make the hard decisions, slow down, make love. There is plenty to admire in the personal.
And beyond that there is the “more” that makes up the long-range view. Every positive personal act lights a candle in the great unknown of human possibility. If we could stand back far enough, where individual actions merge into nonrecognition, we could see that a single act of goodness, of heroism, may continue to flicker long after we are gone. Together, we may well be lighting the way for generations yet to come.
Even the smallest act of courage or kindness contributes to the whole.
August 7 How many cares one loses when the decision is made not to be something, but someone. Coco Chanel Toddlers want to do what “big kids” of six or seven can do. Ten year olds want to be like teenagers. Admiring, comparing, imitating, are all part of the developmental process. We want to be as big, pretty, strong, or just plain wonderful as “they,” our models, are. As best we can, we make ourselves fit the mold. That’s how children learn and grow.
But adults stop learning and growing when they try to be what someone else is rather than who they themselves are. We turn our backs on our own uniqueness when we ape another person’s personality or mannerisms or style. We belittle our own potential when we fashion ourselves to be “ just like” a person or group who, in their need for acceptability, tried to be “just like” someone else.
Self-realization is neither a spin-off nor a patchwork of imitated bits. Who we are and are capable of being as individuals is singular and unrepeatable. There is not only dignity but great adventure in doing what it takes to discover our true, inimitable selves, each of us a “one and only” with a unique presence to be established and a unique contribution to make.
Self-discovery is the first step toward self-appreciation.
August 8 It is trying to treat half-truths as whole truths that plays the devil. Alfred North Whitehead With a little reflection, it’s easy enough to see some of the ways we try to wiggle out of responsibility. Half-truths, for example, at least half-satisfy our tattered code of honor. We know there’s a big difference between saying “I tried,” and going on to admit, “But not very hard.” But how much harm does a little fudging do? What’s the big deal?
The problem is that playing with truth is like playing with fire. When partial honesty becomes a habit, we may not even notice that we’re losing the good right along with the bad.
Here are examples of what we can lose out on if we get used to chopping off truths in the middle: “I make mistakes, but I’m better than my mistakes.” “Life is full of tragedy, but great beauty as well.” “I have many doubts, but I believe in my ability to resolve them.”
“The future looks uncertain, but I’ll deal with that when I get there.” The whole truth is really the only truth there is. Stopping short of that costs us more than it spares us.
As my self-esteem grows, I am able to speak the whole truth.
August 9 We can’t win if we want to lose. J. W. Wheeler Sometimes what we think we want is different from what we really want. Who would want to lose? When success means winning, who would ever choose to lose and thus reinforce low self-esteem? We would, if losing is what makes us feel comfortable.
Due to many powerful family-of-origin reasons, a great many of us are programmed to lose. These motivations are subconscious, of course. In spite of our best intentions, that programming, drumming in our heads-“You don’t deserve much,” “It can never turn out better than it is,” “Who do you think you are even to try to succeed?”-is like a constant, mental heartbeat. If the tracks lead to last place and the train is on the tracks, where will the train go? There can be only one answer.
On the road to improved self-esteem, we often find ourselves getting sidetracked and stalled. We are perplexed when our best efforts meet with surprising resistance. The reason may well be that we are battling deeply ingrained mental attitudes rather than outside obstacles. Often what we need is reprogramming. A good start would be daily affirmations like, “I am just as worthy of success as anybody else” or “There are no limits to my personal growth.”
Only when I can envision myself in the winner’s circle can winning become a real possibility.
August 10 Love they neighbor as thyself. Lev. 19:18 If everyone followed this command from Scripture, the world would be a much safer, more nurturing place to live. The systems that create devastating self-esteem in so many of us would cease to exist.
Yet this imperative rests on the assumption that most people do love themselves. By nature most people tend to look to their own survival first; we learn how to protect ourselves. But that doesn’t mean that most people learn to actually love, respect, and honor who they are.
How well can we love our neighbors when we’re not at all sure that we deserve to be loved? What if we feel we have no rights, that our feelings don’t count? That we are only good as our work, that everything we do must be perfect, or that we are just basically unworthy human beings? If such thoughts and convictions are our starting point, what kind of love can we offer our neighbors?
If I would truly love others, I must first learn to love myself.
August 11 Keep not ill company lest you increase the number. George Herbert For our own good, sometimes we have to turn our backs on what is not so good. Often these are relationships that have a negative influence on us. When our healing depends on sticking to a new set of behaviors, we simply can’t afford the risk that these people represent.
It may hurt to say good-bye to people who were important to us in the past. But going backward now would hurt even more. We can remember our old friends fondly without feeling guilty about moving on. Their lives will go on just as ours will. We can give them the right to make their own choices- just as we make ours-without blaming anybody. But we can’t stay on the same path with them once we’ve turned the corner.
Growth means change and change means letting go of the old to make way for the new. A seed doesn’t “betray” other seeds when it grows into a flower. As we head off in new directions, we will find new friends who are going the same way. By sharing new experiences, we’ll form bonds that are just as strong as the bonds we now have to break with our traveling companions of the past.
Positive, supportive friends are essential to my program of growth.
August 12 At first I thought I was in love. Then I discovered I was just dependent. Joan H. Love and dependency are as different as night and day. Although at times they may look and even feel the same, understanding the difference may be the only way to preserve self-esteem.
Whenever we are dependent, we devalue ourselves. Addiction always results in the loss of freedom and dignity. To compulsively cling to any relationship is to forego choice, which is a requisite of love. Rather than loving as an act of free will, we are simply acting out an addiction. When a relationship focuses only on the wishes and needs of the other, self-respect is impossible.
The person experiencing an addictive relationship suffers enormous stress at the thought of losing the relationship. Thus there is irrational willingness to do, say, or think whatever it takes to keep the relationship going. Self-esteem is always traded off in such situations. Whether we deny them or not, we do have our own needs. What we think matters, how we feel counts, and what we have to say must be listened to and taken seriously. Fear, not love, is what impels us to put any relationship before our own well-being.
Emotional independence is a must for my self-esteem as well as for my relationships.
August 13 Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe. Saint Augustine When stressful circumstances in our lives sadden or frighten us, the Twelve Step slogan “act as if” can be a powerful tool. That means that we get our behavior out there in front of our emotions-not the way around. We whistle a happy tune, for example, in spite of our unhappy circumstances. The point is that we believe in progress enough to anticipate improvement. In our certainty that the negative emotion will pass, we in effect, say “thank you” for the gift of serenity because we know that gift is on its way.
Self-esteem seekers who pretend that there is no difficulty to be overcome are not “acting as if,” can cause us more trouble than good if we misinterpret its meaning. The counsel is to put some management back in our lives, not to deny that better management is needed. Not to slack off on the new behaviors that are slowly building up our self-confidence.
By courageously forging on, people who are “acting as if” are asserting, in the face of life’s very real downside, that there is also an upside. They are acknowledging both but making a conscious choice to match their behavior with their belief.
My behavior is dictated by my faith, not my emotions.
August 14 Deceiving not thyself by overexpecting happiness in the married estate. Remember the nightingales which sing only some months in the spring, but commonly are silent when they have hatched their eggs. Thomas Fuller Many people would say marriage is a major factor in determining self-esteem. Those who are not married often feel that their state of singleness causes their unhappiness. Those who are married often blame their less-than-ideal marriages for their less-than-ideal lives. Both are mistaken.
Contented self-acceptance doesn’t depend on being either married or single, but whether we are happily married or happily single. To place too much importance on marital status misses the point. Our self-esteem is contingent on our own ability to be happy, whether we live alone or have a partner. There are just too many single people in desperate trouble (and vice versa) ever to doubt that this is so.
Single or not, married or not, we can be a whole lot happier if we take responsibility for our own fulfillment. A partner can only add or detract from what we already have. If we know how to be happy with ourselves, we will be happy. If we don’t, then changing our marital status isn’t going to help us.
My self-esteem depends more on me than it does on any partner.
August 15 Integrity: firm adherence to a code of moral values. Webster’s Ninth What rules govern our daily lives? Besides stopping at red lights and waiting our turn in the supermarket-no one wants to make trouble in public-what standards of behavior do we use as a yardstick? It’s important to know what they are because our internal “rules” define our integrity.
All of us have our own personal “code,” whether we’re aware of it or not. Most of it we got at home. If Mom yelled but didn’t slap, we probably draw the same line. If Dad was generous on the street but stingy at home, we may see double standards as normal. And some of our rules were forged out of our own experience. Perhaps a long-ago humiliation in the schoolyard taught us to trust no one. Or maybe we have been harshly punished into believing that honesty is not the best policy-that honesty is for fools.
The rules we can quickly identify may be quite different from the hidden rules that direct our lives. Discovering them can take some digging, but we need to know what those rules are, where we got them, and whether or not they still make sense.
Following self-defeating rules is my sure path to self-defeat.
August 16 I am not now that which I have been. Lord Byron Sometimes all of our efforts to move ahead seem like fruitless busywork. We try so hard and seem to change so little! In the last flickers of consciousness before sleep, we may hear our inner voices of doubt and despair asking, “Is change possible? Do people really change-or do they just make little changes? Is it really possible to heal a self-image that’s riddled with bullet holes?”
When we feel that way, it might help to think about Mike. Sober eight years, Mike was sharing from his heart at a Friday night AA meeting, “I lived on the street for twelve years,” he said. “When I first came into AA I had to hold onto my chair with both hands, I was shaking so bad. But my sponsor told me that every day I stayed sober would be Christmas, so I kept coming back. The day I began my sober life was December 23.”
Many in the room knew of Mike’s journey up from the alleys and dumpsters and flophouses. Some remembered him when he came in-more dead than alive spiritually and physically. But tonight they saw him brimming over with wisdom, warmth, and most of all gratitude.
“To remind myself of where I was, I’ve kept my little plastic Christmas tree up for all of these eight years. I plug in the lights every morning to remind me of what can be done, one day at a time.”
I am not now what I was.
August 17 In silence alone does a man’s truth bind itself together and take root. Antoine de Saint-Exupery Constant noise can slowly but surely condition us to a constant inner cringe. Adaptive as we are, we may not even notice that we’re barraged with noise most of our waking hours. But our bodies and spirits notice it, and cry out for relief.
Our precious peace of mind knows that something is hammering at it, assaulting and disturbing serenity. Even our hearing is being affected, according to German scientists who recently warned that before long hearing aids will be as common as glasses. And police statistics show that crime rates are higher in areas where noise levels are consistently high. Noise is the background music of tension, anxiety, and rage.
Regular periods of quiet time are absolutely essential to emotional and spiritual growth. Unless we can put three or four thoughts together without a bang or a roar, we’ll never be able to think very deeply. We can’t dream our dreams to the tune of thumps and buzzes. If we want to get in touch with our spirits, we’re going to have to get away from noise in whatever way we can-perhaps by using earplugs, or by spending noon hours in the library. Only then will we be able to hear what Wisdom may whisper to us in the hallowed halls of silence.
Creating noise-free time may help me more than I realize.
August 18 Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed. Henry Miller When someone we love is in trouble, we may try to control or at least curb the trouble-causing behavior. With the sincerest wish for their welfare, we throw out their liquor or hide the doughnuts when we see them coming. Our justification is that “we’re only trying to help,” and well might that be. But we enter a gray area when we try to manipulate reality on someone else’s behalf.
Of course, we care about our loved ones and feel genuine concern when we see them heading for a fall. But caring and caretaking aren’t the same thing. For our own emotional well-being, “hands off” other adults’ lives is usually the best policy.
More often than not people are doing what they choose to do. We can influence, but they choose. Better than rearranging the environment, we can offer loving advice and then let the subject drop. Our loved ones will do what they want to do anyway. If their unwise choices finally bring them down, we can be there for them. At least we won’t have ruined the relationship by nagging and manipulation.
The calisthenics for self-esteem do not include manipulation.
August 19 Laughter is as good as jogging for our heart, lungs, and brain. Gail Grenier Sweet Laughter is good for our self-esteem, too. Wise people throughout the ages have told us that laughter is the best folk medicine there is for whatever ails us. Some studies have even shown that laughter seems to alter our brain chemistry and, thus, our immune system. The well-known publisher Norman Cousins’ laughter-powered recovery from devastating illness is a convincing case in point.
But scientific proof isn’t even necessary. Just look around you. Don’t the light-hearted, playful people you know seem to get more out of life than everybody else? Laughing is fun. And when we’re having fun, it’s hard to be down on ourselves, think negative thoughts, or in any other way sabotage our prospects for success.
Laughter lightens the soul, makes friends of enemies, and plugs us into the heart of God-who wants nothing so much for us as happiness. All of the above are marvelous for our self-esteem.
I have as much reason to laugh as I doo to scowl.
August 20 I was successful because you believed in me. Ulysses S. Grant Anyone who is fortunate enough to have a cheering section-even a one-man band-has a priceless advantage in the search for self-esteem. If we don’t have someone to applaud our victories, we need to find someone. And if we aren’t shouting encouragements at someone else’s efforts, we’re missing out on one of the finest connections that can be made between human beings.
The young boy playing in his first baseball game will do better if he can see his father sitting in the bleachers. The nervous friend going for an all-important job interview will gain confidence from our pep talk before-hand and the replay over coffee. Knowing that other people have faith in us strengthens our faith in ourselves. Knowing that someone is behind us makes us less fearful of falling backward.
Neighborhoods, offices, clubs, and churches are full of people who will support our efforts if we invite them to. These are the same people, by the way, who need to hear, “You can do it! Go get em!” just as much as we do. Mutual encouragement can prevent each of us from throwing in the towel.
Self-admiration is made possible by my sincere admiration of others.
August 21 Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller Self-esteem is totally relative to integrity. When integrity is defended, self-esteem is enhanced. When integrity is compromised, character suffers, and self-esteem is the first casualty.
The dictionary tells us that integrity is unimpaired wholeness, or incorruptibility. What corrupts character? In a nutshell, it is always dishonesty, in one form or another. That makes the solution obvious, doesn’t it? All we have to do is to get honest with ourselves.
The problem is that getting honest can be traumatic. Many of the thinking and behavior patterns that erode character are the selfsame patterns that have made us feel safe. They are the thoughts and deeds we thought we needed to survive. Perhaps all our lives we have used these dishonesties to get approval, acceptance, and what we imagined was our best shot at intimacy.
Many people are now struggling with self-esteem because they habitually agree when they want to object, smile when they want to cry, work when they want and need to play. These are dishonest behaviors. No matter what benefits they may have provided, we have to confront them now as the liabilities they have become.
Self-honesty is displayed in actions, not words.
August 22 Flowers leave part of their fragrance in the hands that bestow them. Chinese Proverb It is a paradox that the more we give away the more we have. Not in money, perhaps, but certainly in character and self-esteem. When we are thinking of others, we are much less likely to be worrying about ourselves. There’s a double payoff.
True giving asks no return. There is no remembering, no expectation, no greediness for gratitude. And none of us is too poor to give love, respect, attention, encouragement, time, caring, assistance, compassion. These busy days perhaps the precious gift we have to offer our family and friends is the gift of listening. And we can never give the gift of attention without being repaid in deeper understanding. What we give comes back to us.
Scripture tells us to bear one another’s burdens. Experience tells us that it is impossible for a generous heart to give away more than it gets. To ease another’s pain is to ease our own.
When I reach to help others, I cannot help feeling better about myself.
August 23 No one like you was ever born or ever will be. Constance Foster We may laugh at the oddballs and eccentrics of this world but at least they have the courage to be themselves. Most of us lack the plain old intestinal fortitude to claim our own uniqueness. For fear of being ridiculed or shunned, we talk and dress act just as everyone else does-often dwarfing our self-esteem in the process.
Yet all of us weren’t born to dance to the same music. Each and every one of us is a one of a kind, an original. Unconventional ideas are the seedbed of innovation and progress. Offbeat humor is a wonderful way to share insight. The expression of imagination isn’t the sole right of artists and performers, it’s the right of everyone who wants to reach his or her full potential.
Frustration and self-pity are just two symptoms of the failure to express our true selves. Perhaps we have chosen colorlessness as camouflage against attack. Now that we’re gaining more self-confidence, however, perhaps it’s time to step out of the crowd, wave our own flag, and shout, “This is the real me!”
I am entitled to my own uniqueness.
August 24 Addictions medicate pain. Chuck Holton Many of us are heroically trying to shake one or more addictions. Addictions and self-esteem, of course, are incompatible. But many of us find, even after we have broken a primary addiction, that our self-esteem doesn’t soar as we had expected it would.
The fact is that the addiction itself is not the whole picture of the addictive life. After the addiction has been broken, we have to face our feelings. Now we must deal with reality without our crutch. Now we come to grips with all the character defects that were hidden behind the addiction. The battle is not merely to arrest our addiction, but to arrest our fear of all the repressed truths and hurts that were always there.
The ongoing journey seems especially tough when all the old “shoulds” crowd around. “I should be happier,” “I should be making faster progress,” “I should feel better about myself.” But the only thing we really need to do is accept that once the addiction stops, the feelings start. Then the long walk begins-but so does the reward.
To run from my pain is to create more pain. The only solution for me is to stand fast and fight it out.
August 25 Forgive yourself for dreaming larger than you have lived. Carol Ann Morrow Forgiveness can be the atomic power of personal growth. Sometimes it’s the only force that can blast away the boulders of resentment, insecurity, and bitterness from the door to self-esteem. If such boulders are there, they obviously must be moved if our goal lies beyond them.
Often we most need to forgive ourselves. But oh, the pressure we put on ourselves with unrealistic expectations! How harshly we judge ourselves when we don’t measure up! Sometimes self-forgiveness is as necessary as an electric shock to get our spirits going again.
We may be disappointed and ashamed at failing the mighty dreams of youth. But the young have faulty vision. They have no idea of the obstacles that lay ahead. In overestimating the cooperation of the world, all things seemed possible then. But it didn’t work out that way. Reality turned out to be something other than a sugar mountain.
Forgiveness lies in accepting reality. What is, is. We are what we are-and that isn’t half-bad. We are fighting the good fight. Let that be enough.
Youthful dreams can’t be the measure of adult accomplishment.
August 26 Let him who gives without a care, gather rubies from the air. James Stephens Some kinds of giving are really ways of getting. We may give gifts to avoid taxes, salve a guilty conscience, obtain favors, or just to make ourselves look good. Because there is no love behind these actions, we can’t expect them to enhance our sense of self.
Giving from the heart, however, is a sure path to spiritual and emotional richness. The loving hearts who give of their substance, not what they have left over, make many lives livable besides their own. Honestly generous spirits are at peace with themselves.
Let the red flag go up if we find ourselves worrying about what we are getting back. A gift isn’t an investment. If what we give has strings on it instead of ribbons, it isn’t a gift at all but probably a bribe of some kind. We’ll never “gather rubies from the air” if a good rate of return is what we’re after.
Because good flows from good, self-esteem flows from unselfishness.
August 27 A bitter heart that bides its time and bites. Robert Browning Unresolved anger, especially of the long-lasting kind, can breed terrible bitterness. And bitterness always worsens self-esteem because it feeds on the wrongs, either real or imagined, that were done to us. Bitter resentments fixate on negatives. Frequently, the journey toward self-esteem brings us to mile-high “resentment roadblocks” that test the sincerity of our quest.
One truth of dealing with anger is that no one can get over or past repressed anger if something in us wants to hang onto it. A wound cannot heal if every day we pick the scab. This is where it gets hard. It is one thing to intellectually decide we will not be angry any more. It is altogether a different thing to directly confront an old grudge honestly in the here and now. If it were easy to address these issues, we would have done so long ago.
Are we deeply angry about a situation at work? A relationship? An issue with parenting? Perhaps we have a sore spot from an insult perceived many years ago? What is it that needs to be said, done, communicated? Not to act only creates more bitterness, and less self-respect.
Living with bitterness is like eating the peel and throwing away the orange.
August 28 When you have shut your doors and darkened your room, remember, never to say that you are alone; for you are not alone, but God is within, and your genius is within. Epictetus When we decide to work on self-esteem, we tend to approach it as we do any other new endeavor-first we call in the experts. Our Western perspective tells us that getting anything done means getting first-rate advice and then taking aggressive action. We’ve all heard that snoozers are losers so we try to get the job done as quickly as we can.
Yet often, in our unending search for more and better knowledge, the role of quiet reflection is never even considered. It never occurs to us to look for our answers within. So we consult impersonal, outside sources rather than the counsel of our own hearts. That’s why some of our early starts are false starts, the information we gather doesn’t quite fit.
Making a friend of solitude is a primary task for many. For it is in inner consultation, fearful as that may be, that the frightening voices of negativity are most clearly heard. But it is also when we are looking within that the beautiful, unmasked face of our true self is most clearly revealed. And our sincere admiration of that inner beauty is the very definition of self-esteem. Strange as it may seem at first-relying on reflection rather than research-there are great rewards in learning to seek the truth in solitude.
Achieving self-esteem is a discovery process as much as anything.
August 29 It is a sad weakness in us, after all, that the thought of a man’s death hallows him anew to us; as if life were not sacred, too. George Eliot Why do we find it so much easier to compliment the dead than the living? At funerals, the friends and family members gathered cannot say enough about the deceased. During life, however, all those qualities that now draw praise usually went unnoticed.
Life is as sacred as death. It’s certainly appropriate to remember a departed one fondly, but it’s even better to say what we have to say while the person can still hear it. People don’t become better or more deserving in death than they were in life. Living, not dying, is what makes us praiseworthy. It is no small thing to fall in love, to raise a family, to strive to assist others, to live each day with all its sameness, all its vexations, and all its tedium, as well as we can.
We need to say all those loving words and express all those loving thoughts on this side of death. The dead are beyond the daily struggle, and thus beyond any need for encouragement. It is we the living, who must depend on each other for mutual comfort and support. If we have a word of appreciation to offer, let us say it now.
I will give credit where credit is due before it’s too late.
August 30 Tough Counts. Dorothy Reznichek There is an obvious connection between depression and self-esteem. The more depression we experience, the more difficulty we usually have in retaining a positive sense of self. Depression is flattening. It could actually be called a spiritual steamroller.
Many excellent books have been written on the causes and cures of depression in all of its many faces and degrees. In spite of their various approaches, all of them agree that courage is necessary in dealing with depression. It takes toughness to win. When all the strategizing is done, all the information gained, what is left is simply the call for stamina and grit. Even when “going on” is the last thing in the world we may want or feel able to do.
It takes enormous courage to make a simple affirmation when we feel the world is coming down around our ears. To get out to a meeting when all we want to do is sleep or cry is sheer bravery, and nothing less. To reach out when all we want to do is isolate may take the heroism of a medal-of-honor winner.
When all is said and done, toughness may be my best weapon.
August 31 Who are “they” that hold so much power over our lives? Orville Thompson Grace was facing a major decision. She didn’t want to go on living with her alcoholic husband Grace knew that alcoholism is a disease, that her husband was a sick man who needed help, yet she now found it impossible to remain in the marriage. She wanted to be a wife, not a nurse. For years she had remained in this dead, toxic relationship because of “them.” What would “they” say? How would she ever face “them”? “They” would never respect her again if she got a divorce.
Gradually, Grace’s support group maneuvered her into confronting the power of the nebulous “they.” Who exactly were “they”? Why were “they” so important? Was everyone she knew to be lumped into one generalized “they”? If not, would the reaction to her impending decision be the same for all of these people?
In time, Grace came to understand there is no universal “they.” Those who would criticize her decision were only one segment of “they.” And not an important one at that. As she became strong enough to think for herself, her fears about what “they” might think began to weaken. By reclaiming her own power, she also reclaimed her self-esteem-as well as the genuine prospect of a happy new life.
I am always at grave risk when I give my self-esteem over to the care of a generalized, negative “they.”
August 1 Let us always be open to the miracle of second chance. Reverend David Sitier Nunc coepi is a Latin phrase often in seminaries of old. It means, “Now I begin.” Novices were taught to say this each morning, signifying that what was is past, what will be is hidden in the future, and it is only now-this day, this moment-that counts. Not what I did yesterday or what I may do tomorrow. Now I begin. Nunc coepi.
Every day is another chance and a fresh start. It’s important to remember that. Too many of us are hyperaware of all the yesterdays we wasted or the phantom tomorrows that could bring us down. Yet we’re hardly aware at all of the day that’s right here in our hands, shimmering with possibilities. Why do we do that? Why do we so habitually discount and brush off the wonder of the present moment?
One reason may be that we don’t trust ourselves. Because of past mistakes, we’re afraid to get very hopeful. In fear of failing again, we choose to downplay the possibilities and try to settle for what comes, rather than actively creating it. The bottom line may be that we really don’t believe in second chances.
But each day is new whether we believe in it or not. We can begin fresh every morning if we decide to live our lives that way. The miracle isn’t that the chance is there; it always has been there. The miracle is what happens when we reach out to embrace it.
As long as there is life, there is the chance to start over.
August 2 Man is not a creature of circumstances. Circumstances are the creatures of men. Benjamin Disraeli Some of the tragedies and losses people encounter in life are almost too terrible to think about. Many of them are completely random and unpreventable. And along with calamity comes the temptation to give up hope, to abandon the will to continue, to fold up the tent of our self-esteem and just sink into the ground.
Yet there are those who would not give in or give up. These are our examples of the strength of the human spirit. To them, the tragic part of their lives was just that-a part of their lives, one circumstance among many.
Dorothy, at sixty-three, went back to school and got her college degree. This was shortly after her husband died. She learned to drive so she could put her degree to use in a professional job. Then she fell victim to a stroke-a blood clot in the brain. Surgery left her partially visually impaired and subject to a debilitating numbness on her right side. No longer able to drive or to keep her professional job, she responded, “Just because my body no longer works very well doesn’t mean my mind quit.” Now she an author. Some folks just won’t quit. Instead, they create new circumstances.
Persistence is the homely virtue that underlines all others.
August 3 Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth As a landscaper specializing in small spaces, Janet is often asked to create miniature gardens in the courtyards outside of offices. During the planning stage, she’s often amused by her client’s wish for a “sweeping vista” effect-on a fifteen-by-fifteen-foot plot! But she’s less amused when they want her to rewrite Mother Nature’s rules. “They want a shade tree, they got a shade tree,” Janet said. “And now they’re mad about it. Can you imagine people getting mad at a tree for dropping leaves?”
We do it all the time. Foolish as it is, we often get exasperated with people and things for being what they are. We get irritated to find that some of their charms have a most uncharming flipside. Like Janet’s client, we only want the beautiful shade in the summer-not the messy cleanup in the fall.
In many ways, people-including us-simply are what they are. We are our height, our hairlines, our backgrounds. We are our coloring, our race, our sex. Much about us cannot and should not ever be changed. To take all of Nature’s gifts and then bewail the downside is ungrateful as well as foolish.
Self-esteem must not be based on changing what is better accepted.
August 4 He was my North, my South, my East, my West, my working week and Sunday rest, my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song, I thought that love would last forever-I was wrong. W. H. Auden Falling head over heels in love is about the sweetest tumble there is to take. But like all falls, it can be dangerous. We can lose ourselves in our fascination with our newfound beloved. We can literally get carried away from our senses on a sea of love.
To allow another to be “everything” to us is not only injurious to the loved one, but a terrible disservice to ourselves. Being someone else’s “noon and midnight” is a heavy responsibility. Is it really loving to create and hand over such a burden? Especially if we’ve already placed that person on a pedestal too high for comfort?
And what about ourselves? If the beloved is “our talk and our song,” what will become of our own ideas, our own music? The bedazzlement of a new relationship doesn’t last forever. Sooner or later our heads will clear and our perspective will be regained. In the meantime, we’re wise to keep our feet as close to the ground as possible.
To make anyone my “all in all” is to damage my self-esteem.
August 5 Behold I do not give lectures or a little charity, when I give, I give myself. Walt Whitman Self-esteem is certainly one of life’s greatest treasures. That’s why we’d dearly like to instill this trait in those we love. But how can we best accomplish this?
Self-esteem is often associated with performance. This is so because the size of our self-esteem account depends on our repeated experiences of success or failure. Positive for success, negative for failure. Therefore, helping someone achieve positive self-esteem means helping them achieve. But again, how can we best do this?
Count the ways this has been tried: the carrot and stick routine, demanding, threatening, bribing, coaxing, pleading-all have been tried again and again. Yet nothing seems to make more difference than simply showing the others that we care-care about them, about their goals, about their dreams, and the problems they encounter. Which, of course, is far different than promoting our own version of what’s in their self-interest.
I know that caring attention paid to other people’s own goals is the greatest motivator of all.
August 6 As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Carl Jung A truly beautiful object, like a well-designed building or a magnificent gem, can be appreciated from many angles. From either side, top, bottom, close up or far away, a thing of beauty is still beautiful. Photos of earth from space, for example show the entire planet as a breathtaking sight indeed. The microscopic view of a single drop of water, by the same token, reveals dazzling complexity.
Human life, in general, and self-esteem, in particular, are much like that as well. Through self-esteem we can appreciate the close-up beauty of life as we deal in specifics: Do the right thing, strive to make the hard decisions, slow down, make love. There is plenty to admire in the personal.
And beyond that there is the “more” that makes up the long-range view. Every positive personal act lights a candle in the great unknown of human possibility. If we could stand back far enough, where individual actions merge into nonrecognition, we could see that a single act of goodness, of heroism, may continue to flicker long after we are gone. Together, we may well be lighting the way for generations yet to come.
Even the smallest act of courage or kindness contributes to the whole.
August 7 How many cares one loses when the decision is made not to be something, but someone. Coco Chanel Toddlers want to do what “big kids” of six or seven can do. Ten year olds want to be like teenagers. Admiring, comparing, imitating, are all part of the developmental process. We want to be as big, pretty, strong, or just plain wonderful as “they,” our models, are. As best we can, we make ourselves fit the mold. That’s how children learn and grow.
But adults stop learning and growing when they try to be what someone else is rather than who they themselves are. We turn our backs on our own uniqueness when we ape another person’s personality or mannerisms or style. We belittle our own potential when we fashion ourselves to be “ just like” a person or group who, in their need for acceptability, tried to be “just like” someone else.
Self-realization is neither a spin-off nor a patchwork of imitated bits. Who we are and are capable of being as individuals is singular and unrepeatable. There is not only dignity but great adventure in doing what it takes to discover our true, inimitable selves, each of us a “one and only” with a unique presence to be established and a unique contribution to make.
Self-discovery is the first step toward self-appreciation.
August 8 It is trying to treat half-truths as whole truths that plays the devil. Alfred North Whitehead With a little reflection, it’s easy enough to see some of the ways we try to wiggle out of responsibility. Half-truths, for example, at least half-satisfy our tattered code of honor. We know there’s a big difference between saying “I tried,” and going on to admit, “But not very hard.” But how much harm does a little fudging do? What’s the big deal?
The problem is that playing with truth is like playing with fire. When partial honesty becomes a habit, we may not even notice that we’re losing the good right along with the bad.
Here are examples of what we can lose out on if we get used to chopping off truths in the middle: “I make mistakes, but I’m better than my mistakes.” “Life is full of tragedy, but great beauty as well.” “I have many doubts, but I believe in my ability to resolve them.”
“The future looks uncertain, but I’ll deal with that when I get there.” The whole truth is really the only truth there is. Stopping short of that costs us more than it spares us.
As my self-esteem grows, I am able to speak the whole truth.
August 9 We can’t win if we want to lose. J. W. Wheeler Sometimes what we think we want is different from what we really want. Who would want to lose? When success means winning, who would ever choose to lose and thus reinforce low self-esteem? We would, if losing is what makes us feel comfortable.
Due to many powerful family-of-origin reasons, a great many of us are programmed to lose. These motivations are subconscious, of course. In spite of our best intentions, that programming, drumming in our heads-“You don’t deserve much,” “It can never turn out better than it is,” “Who do you think you are even to try to succeed?”-is like a constant, mental heartbeat. If the tracks lead to last place and the train is on the tracks, where will the train go? There can be only one answer.
On the road to improved self-esteem, we often find ourselves getting sidetracked and stalled. We are perplexed when our best efforts meet with surprising resistance. The reason may well be that we are battling deeply ingrained mental attitudes rather than outside obstacles. Often what we need is reprogramming. A good start would be daily affirmations like, “I am just as worthy of success as anybody else” or “There are no limits to my personal growth.”
Only when I can envision myself in the winner’s circle can winning become a real possibility.
August 10 Love they neighbor as thyself. Lev. 19:18 If everyone followed this command from Scripture, the world would be a much safer, more nurturing place to live. The systems that create devastating self-esteem in so many of us would cease to exist.
Yet this imperative rests on the assumption that most people do love themselves. By nature most people tend to look to their own survival first; we learn how to protect ourselves. But that doesn’t mean that most people learn to actually love, respect, and honor who they are.
How well can we love our neighbors when we’re not at all sure that we deserve to be loved? What if we feel we have no rights, that our feelings don’t count? That we are only good as our work, that everything we do must be perfect, or that we are just basically unworthy human beings? If such thoughts and convictions are our starting point, what kind of love can we offer our neighbors?
If I would truly love others, I must first learn to love myself.
August 11 Keep not ill company lest you increase the number. George Herbert For our own good, sometimes we have to turn our backs on what is not so good. Often these are relationships that have a negative influence on us. When our healing depends on sticking to a new set of behaviors, we simply can’t afford the risk that these people represent.
It may hurt to say good-bye to people who were important to us in the past. But going backward now would hurt even more. We can remember our old friends fondly without feeling guilty about moving on. Their lives will go on just as ours will. We can give them the right to make their own choices- just as we make ours-without blaming anybody. But we can’t stay on the same path with them once we’ve turned the corner.
Growth means change and change means letting go of the old to make way for the new. A seed doesn’t “betray” other seeds when it grows into a flower. As we head off in new directions, we will find new friends who are going the same way. By sharing new experiences, we’ll form bonds that are just as strong as the bonds we now have to break with our traveling companions of the past.
Positive, supportive friends are essential to my program of growth.
August 12 At first I thought I was in love. Then I discovered I was just dependent. Joan H. Love and dependency are as different as night and day. Although at times they may look and even feel the same, understanding the difference may be the only way to preserve self-esteem.
Whenever we are dependent, we devalue ourselves. Addiction always results in the loss of freedom and dignity. To compulsively cling to any relationship is to forego choice, which is a requisite of love. Rather than loving as an act of free will, we are simply acting out an addiction. When a relationship focuses only on the wishes and needs of the other, self-respect is impossible.
The person experiencing an addictive relationship suffers enormous stress at the thought of losing the relationship. Thus there is irrational willingness to do, say, or think whatever it takes to keep the relationship going. Self-esteem is always traded off in such situations. Whether we deny them or not, we do have our own needs. What we think matters, how we feel counts, and what we have to say must be listened to and taken seriously. Fear, not love, is what impels us to put any relationship before our own well-being.
Emotional independence is a must for my self-esteem as well as for my relationships.
August 13 Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe. Saint Augustine When stressful circumstances in our lives sadden or frighten us, the Twelve Step slogan “act as if” can be a powerful tool. That means that we get our behavior out there in front of our emotions-not the way around. We whistle a happy tune, for example, in spite of our unhappy circumstances. The point is that we believe in progress enough to anticipate improvement. In our certainty that the negative emotion will pass, we in effect, say “thank you” for the gift of serenity because we know that gift is on its way.
Self-esteem seekers who pretend that there is no difficulty to be overcome are not “acting as if,” can cause us more trouble than good if we misinterpret its meaning. The counsel is to put some management back in our lives, not to deny that better management is needed. Not to slack off on the new behaviors that are slowly building up our self-confidence.
By courageously forging on, people who are “acting as if” are asserting, in the face of life’s very real downside, that there is also an upside. They are acknowledging both but making a conscious choice to match their behavior with their belief.
My behavior is dictated by my faith, not my emotions.
August 14 Deceiving not thyself by overexpecting happiness in the married estate. Remember the nightingales which sing only some months in the spring, but commonly are silent when they have hatched their eggs. Thomas Fuller Many people would say marriage is a major factor in determining self-esteem. Those who are not married often feel that their state of singleness causes their unhappiness. Those who are married often blame their less-than-ideal marriages for their less-than-ideal lives. Both are mistaken.
Contented self-acceptance doesn’t depend on being either married or single, but whether we are happily married or happily single. To place too much importance on marital status misses the point. Our self-esteem is contingent on our own ability to be happy, whether we live alone or have a partner. There are just too many single people in desperate trouble (and vice versa) ever to doubt that this is so.
Single or not, married or not, we can be a whole lot happier if we take responsibility for our own fulfillment. A partner can only add or detract from what we already have. If we know how to be happy with ourselves, we will be happy. If we don’t, then changing our marital status isn’t going to help us.
My self-esteem depends more on me than it does on any partner.
August 15 Integrity: firm adherence to a code of moral values. Webster’s Ninth What rules govern our daily lives? Besides stopping at red lights and waiting our turn in the supermarket-no one wants to make trouble in public-what standards of behavior do we use as a yardstick? It’s important to know what they are because our internal “rules” define our integrity.
All of us have our own personal “code,” whether we’re aware of it or not. Most of it we got at home. If Mom yelled but didn’t slap, we probably draw the same line. If Dad was generous on the street but stingy at home, we may see double standards as normal. And some of our rules were forged out of our own experience. Perhaps a long-ago humiliation in the schoolyard taught us to trust no one. Or maybe we have been harshly punished into believing that honesty is not the best policy-that honesty is for fools.
The rules we can quickly identify may be quite different from the hidden rules that direct our lives. Discovering them can take some digging, but we need to know what those rules are, where we got them, and whether or not they still make sense.
Following self-defeating rules is my sure path to self-defeat.
August 16 I am not now that which I have been. Lord Byron Sometimes all of our efforts to move ahead seem like fruitless busywork. We try so hard and seem to change so little! In the last flickers of consciousness before sleep, we may hear our inner voices of doubt and despair asking, “Is change possible? Do people really change-or do they just make little changes? Is it really possible to heal a self-image that’s riddled with bullet holes?”
When we feel that way, it might help to think about Mike. Sober eight years, Mike was sharing from his heart at a Friday night AA meeting, “I lived on the street for twelve years,” he said. “When I first came into AA I had to hold onto my chair with both hands, I was shaking so bad. But my sponsor told me that every day I stayed sober would be Christmas, so I kept coming back. The day I began my sober life was December 23.”
Many in the room knew of Mike’s journey up from the alleys and dumpsters and flophouses. Some remembered him when he came in-more dead than alive spiritually and physically. But tonight they saw him brimming over with wisdom, warmth, and most of all gratitude.
“To remind myself of where I was, I’ve kept my little plastic Christmas tree up for all of these eight years. I plug in the lights every morning to remind me of what can be done, one day at a time.”
I am not now what I was.
August 17 In silence alone does a man’s truth bind itself together and take root. Antoine de Saint-Exupery Constant noise can slowly but surely condition us to a constant inner cringe. Adaptive as we are, we may not even notice that we’re barraged with noise most of our waking hours. But our bodies and spirits notice it, and cry out for relief.
Our precious peace of mind knows that something is hammering at it, assaulting and disturbing serenity. Even our hearing is being affected, according to German scientists who recently warned that before long hearing aids will be as common as glasses. And police statistics show that crime rates are higher in areas where noise levels are consistently high. Noise is the background music of tension, anxiety, and rage.
Regular periods of quiet time are absolutely essential to emotional and spiritual growth. Unless we can put three or four thoughts together without a bang or a roar, we’ll never be able to think very deeply. We can’t dream our dreams to the tune of thumps and buzzes. If we want to get in touch with our spirits, we’re going to have to get away from noise in whatever way we can-perhaps by using earplugs, or by spending noon hours in the library. Only then will we be able to hear what Wisdom may whisper to us in the hallowed halls of silence.
Creating noise-free time may help me more than I realize.
August 18 Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed. Henry Miller When someone we love is in trouble, we may try to control or at least curb the trouble-causing behavior. With the sincerest wish for their welfare, we throw out their liquor or hide the doughnuts when we see them coming. Our justification is that “we’re only trying to help,” and well might that be. But we enter a gray area when we try to manipulate reality on someone else’s behalf.
Of course, we care about our loved ones and feel genuine concern when we see them heading for a fall. But caring and caretaking aren’t the same thing. For our own emotional well-being, “hands off” other adults’ lives is usually the best policy.
More often than not people are doing what they choose to do. We can influence, but they choose. Better than rearranging the environment, we can offer loving advice and then let the subject drop. Our loved ones will do what they want to do anyway. If their unwise choices finally bring them down, we can be there for them. At least we won’t have ruined the relationship by nagging and manipulation.
The calisthenics for self-esteem do not include manipulation.
August 19 Laughter is as good as jogging for our heart, lungs, and brain. Gail Grenier Sweet Laughter is good for our self-esteem, too. Wise people throughout the ages have told us that laughter is the best folk medicine there is for whatever ails us. Some studies have even shown that laughter seems to alter our brain chemistry and, thus, our immune system. The well-known publisher Norman Cousins’ laughter-powered recovery from devastating illness is a convincing case in point.
But scientific proof isn’t even necessary. Just look around you. Don’t the light-hearted, playful people you know seem to get more out of life than everybody else? Laughing is fun. And when we’re having fun, it’s hard to be down on ourselves, think negative thoughts, or in any other way sabotage our prospects for success.
Laughter lightens the soul, makes friends of enemies, and plugs us into the heart of God-who wants nothing so much for us as happiness. All of the above are marvelous for our self-esteem.
I have as much reason to laugh as I doo to scowl.
August 20 I was successful because you believed in me. Ulysses S. Grant Anyone who is fortunate enough to have a cheering section-even a one-man band-has a priceless advantage in the search for self-esteem. If we don’t have someone to applaud our victories, we need to find someone. And if we aren’t shouting encouragements at someone else’s efforts, we’re missing out on one of the finest connections that can be made between human beings.
The young boy playing in his first baseball game will do better if he can see his father sitting in the bleachers. The nervous friend going for an all-important job interview will gain confidence from our pep talk before-hand and the replay over coffee. Knowing that other people have faith in us strengthens our faith in ourselves. Knowing that someone is behind us makes us less fearful of falling backward.
Neighborhoods, offices, clubs, and churches are full of people who will support our efforts if we invite them to. These are the same people, by the way, who need to hear, “You can do it! Go get em!” just as much as we do. Mutual encouragement can prevent each of us from throwing in the towel.
Self-admiration is made possible by my sincere admiration of others.
August 21 Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller Self-esteem is totally relative to integrity. When integrity is defended, self-esteem is enhanced. When integrity is compromised, character suffers, and self-esteem is the first casualty.
The dictionary tells us that integrity is unimpaired wholeness, or incorruptibility. What corrupts character? In a nutshell, it is always dishonesty, in one form or another. That makes the solution obvious, doesn’t it? All we have to do is to get honest with ourselves.
The problem is that getting honest can be traumatic. Many of the thinking and behavior patterns that erode character are the selfsame patterns that have made us feel safe. They are the thoughts and deeds we thought we needed to survive. Perhaps all our lives we have used these dishonesties to get approval, acceptance, and what we imagined was our best shot at intimacy.
Many people are now struggling with self-esteem because they habitually agree when they want to object, smile when they want to cry, work when they want and need to play. These are dishonest behaviors. No matter what benefits they may have provided, we have to confront them now as the liabilities they have become.
Self-honesty is displayed in actions, not words.
August 22 Flowers leave part of their fragrance in the hands that bestow them. Chinese Proverb It is a paradox that the more we give away the more we have. Not in money, perhaps, but certainly in character and self-esteem. When we are thinking of others, we are much less likely to be worrying about ourselves. There’s a double payoff.
True giving asks no return. There is no remembering, no expectation, no greediness for gratitude. And none of us is too poor to give love, respect, attention, encouragement, time, caring, assistance, compassion. These busy days perhaps the precious gift we have to offer our family and friends is the gift of listening. And we can never give the gift of attention without being repaid in deeper understanding. What we give comes back to us.
Scripture tells us to bear one another’s burdens. Experience tells us that it is impossible for a generous heart to give away more than it gets. To ease another’s pain is to ease our own.
When I reach to help others, I cannot help feeling better about myself.
August 23 No one like you was ever born or ever will be. Constance Foster We may laugh at the oddballs and eccentrics of this world but at least they have the courage to be themselves. Most of us lack the plain old intestinal fortitude to claim our own uniqueness. For fear of being ridiculed or shunned, we talk and dress act just as everyone else does-often dwarfing our self-esteem in the process.
Yet all of us weren’t born to dance to the same music. Each and every one of us is a one of a kind, an original. Unconventional ideas are the seedbed of innovation and progress. Offbeat humor is a wonderful way to share insight. The expression of imagination isn’t the sole right of artists and performers, it’s the right of everyone who wants to reach his or her full potential.
Frustration and self-pity are just two symptoms of the failure to express our true selves. Perhaps we have chosen colorlessness as camouflage against attack. Now that we’re gaining more self-confidence, however, perhaps it’s time to step out of the crowd, wave our own flag, and shout, “This is the real me!”
I am entitled to my own uniqueness.
August 24 Addictions medicate pain. Chuck Holton Many of us are heroically trying to shake one or more addictions. Addictions and self-esteem, of course, are incompatible. But many of us find, even after we have broken a primary addiction, that our self-esteem doesn’t soar as we had expected it would.
The fact is that the addiction itself is not the whole picture of the addictive life. After the addiction has been broken, we have to face our feelings. Now we must deal with reality without our crutch. Now we come to grips with all the character defects that were hidden behind the addiction. The battle is not merely to arrest our addiction, but to arrest our fear of all the repressed truths and hurts that were always there.
The ongoing journey seems especially tough when all the old “shoulds” crowd around. “I should be happier,” “I should be making faster progress,” “I should feel better about myself.” But the only thing we really need to do is accept that once the addiction stops, the feelings start. Then the long walk begins-but so does the reward.
To run from my pain is to create more pain. The only solution for me is to stand fast and fight it out.
August 25 Forgive yourself for dreaming larger than you have lived. Carol Ann Morrow Forgiveness can be the atomic power of personal growth. Sometimes it’s the only force that can blast away the boulders of resentment, insecurity, and bitterness from the door to self-esteem. If such boulders are there, they obviously must be moved if our goal lies beyond them.
Often we most need to forgive ourselves. But oh, the pressure we put on ourselves with unrealistic expectations! How harshly we judge ourselves when we don’t measure up! Sometimes self-forgiveness is as necessary as an electric shock to get our spirits going again.
We may be disappointed and ashamed at failing the mighty dreams of youth. But the young have faulty vision. They have no idea of the obstacles that lay ahead. In overestimating the cooperation of the world, all things seemed possible then. But it didn’t work out that way. Reality turned out to be something other than a sugar mountain.
Forgiveness lies in accepting reality. What is, is. We are what we are-and that isn’t half-bad. We are fighting the good fight. Let that be enough.
Youthful dreams can’t be the measure of adult accomplishment.
August 26 Let him who gives without a care, gather rubies from the air. James Stephens Some kinds of giving are really ways of getting. We may give gifts to avoid taxes, salve a guilty conscience, obtain favors, or just to make ourselves look good. Because there is no love behind these actions, we can’t expect them to enhance our sense of self.
Giving from the heart, however, is a sure path to spiritual and emotional richness. The loving hearts who give of their substance, not what they have left over, make many lives livable besides their own. Honestly generous spirits are at peace with themselves.
Let the red flag go up if we find ourselves worrying about what we are getting back. A gift isn’t an investment. If what we give has strings on it instead of ribbons, it isn’t a gift at all but probably a bribe of some kind. We’ll never “gather rubies from the air” if a good rate of return is what we’re after.
Because good flows from good, self-esteem flows from unselfishness.
August 27 A bitter heart that bides its time and bites. Robert Browning Unresolved anger, especially of the long-lasting kind, can breed terrible bitterness. And bitterness always worsens self-esteem because it feeds on the wrongs, either real or imagined, that were done to us. Bitter resentments fixate on negatives. Frequently, the journey toward self-esteem brings us to mile-high “resentment roadblocks” that test the sincerity of our quest.
One truth of dealing with anger is that no one can get over or past repressed anger if something in us wants to hang onto it. A wound cannot heal if every day we pick the scab. This is where it gets hard. It is one thing to intellectually decide we will not be angry any more. It is altogether a different thing to directly confront an old grudge honestly in the here and now. If it were easy to address these issues, we would have done so long ago.
Are we deeply angry about a situation at work? A relationship? An issue with parenting? Perhaps we have a sore spot from an insult perceived many years ago? What is it that needs to be said, done, communicated? Not to act only creates more bitterness, and less self-respect.
Living with bitterness is like eating the peel and throwing away the orange.
August 28 When you have shut your doors and darkened your room, remember, never to say that you are alone; for you are not alone, but God is within, and your genius is within. Epictetus When we decide to work on self-esteem, we tend to approach it as we do any other new endeavor-first we call in the experts. Our Western perspective tells us that getting anything done means getting first-rate advice and then taking aggressive action. We’ve all heard that snoozers are losers so we try to get the job done as quickly as we can.
Yet often, in our unending search for more and better knowledge, the role of quiet reflection is never even considered. It never occurs to us to look for our answers within. So we consult impersonal, outside sources rather than the counsel of our own hearts. That’s why some of our early starts are false starts, the information we gather doesn’t quite fit.
Making a friend of solitude is a primary task for many. For it is in inner consultation, fearful as that may be, that the frightening voices of negativity are most clearly heard. But it is also when we are looking within that the beautiful, unmasked face of our true self is most clearly revealed. And our sincere admiration of that inner beauty is the very definition of self-esteem. Strange as it may seem at first-relying on reflection rather than research-there are great rewards in learning to seek the truth in solitude.
Achieving self-esteem is a discovery process as much as anything.
August 29 It is a sad weakness in us, after all, that the thought of a man’s death hallows him anew to us; as if life were not sacred, too. George Eliot Why do we find it so much easier to compliment the dead than the living? At funerals, the friends and family members gathered cannot say enough about the deceased. During life, however, all those qualities that now draw praise usually went unnoticed.
Life is as sacred as death. It’s certainly appropriate to remember a departed one fondly, but it’s even better to say what we have to say while the person can still hear it. People don’t become better or more deserving in death than they were in life. Living, not dying, is what makes us praiseworthy. It is no small thing to fall in love, to raise a family, to strive to assist others, to live each day with all its sameness, all its vexations, and all its tedium, as well as we can.
We need to say all those loving words and express all those loving thoughts on this side of death. The dead are beyond the daily struggle, and thus beyond any need for encouragement. It is we the living, who must depend on each other for mutual comfort and support. If we have a word of appreciation to offer, let us say it now.
I will give credit where credit is due before it’s too late.
August 30 Tough Counts. Dorothy Reznichek There is an obvious connection between depression and self-esteem. The more depression we experience, the more difficulty we usually have in retaining a positive sense of self. Depression is flattening. It could actually be called a spiritual steamroller.
Many excellent books have been written on the causes and cures of depression in all of its many faces and degrees. In spite of their various approaches, all of them agree that courage is necessary in dealing with depression. It takes toughness to win. When all the strategizing is done, all the information gained, what is left is simply the call for stamina and grit. Even when “going on” is the last thing in the world we may want or feel able to do.
It takes enormous courage to make a simple affirmation when we feel the world is coming down around our ears. To get out to a meeting when all we want to do is sleep or cry is sheer bravery, and nothing less. To reach out when all we want to do is isolate may take the heroism of a medal-of-honor winner.
When all is said and done, toughness may be my best weapon.
August 31 Who are “they” that hold so much power over our lives? Orville Thompson Grace was facing a major decision. She didn’t want to go on living with her alcoholic husband Grace knew that alcoholism is a disease, that her husband was a sick man who needed help, yet she now found it impossible to remain in the marriage. She wanted to be a wife, not a nurse. For years she had remained in this dead, toxic relationship because of “them.” What would “they” say? How would she ever face “them”? “They” would never respect her again if she got a divorce.
Gradually, Grace’s support group maneuvered her into confronting the power of the nebulous “they.” Who exactly were “they”? Why were “they” so important? Was everyone she knew to be lumped into one generalized “they”? If not, would the reaction to her impending decision be the same for all of these people?
In time, Grace came to understand there is no universal “they.” Those who would criticize her decision were only one segment of “they.” And not an important one at that. As she became strong enough to think for herself, her fears about what “they” might think began to weaken. By reclaiming her own power, she also reclaimed her self-esteem-as well as the genuine prospect of a happy new life.
I am always at grave risk when I give my self-esteem over to the care of a generalized, negative “they.”
