DETACHMENT
AUG 1 Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time.
I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason. I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me. I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming. Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to mange anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
AUG 2 Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers.
I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peach in the past. A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace. It takes at least two to have to have a conflict, remember.
It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet. I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental, our lessons aren’t, either. Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you?
Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
AUG 3 Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make.
The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that didn’t cotton to having our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments. Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused. My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers, What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time. To begin with, I detach in the little ways that matter. In that way we can see what’s in store for us in the days ahead. We can begin today and notice how much better we feel.
AUG 4 Making the decision to detach from a loved one may well be the most important, as well as the kindest, gift we can give ourselves. Ever.
Most of us are quite aware when we are being loving to others and when we are withholding that love. We can feel it throughout our bodies. But are we as conscious of that expression of love toward ourselves? Perhaps not. And yet, with every breath we take, we are offering a whisper of self-love, or not, within the folds of that which we are expressing to others. There really is no separation between us and others. Initially this idea may not resonate with us, but it’s nonetheless true.
I lived in a mindset of “us and them” for much of my life. Our culture seems to breed this idea in us, particularly when we consider the advertising that bombards us. Never are we encouraged to see others as fellow travelers who are the mirrors we need in order to better understand ourselves. But we can choose to see in them who we are and then when we offer compassion or acceptance or the gift of understanding with detachment, we are “gifting” ourselves as well. What we give, we also receive. The circle is made complete, with or without our awareness.
Seeing detachment as a gift may seem unusual to you. At the most superficial level, detachment seems like we are cutting ourselves off from others. But this is not what detachment means. It means to release another to be whoever is calling him from within. Preventing someone from hearing their own inner voice means we won’t hear ours, either. Detachment releases both of us and that’s the primary reason to value it.
Choose one person today and practice detaching from whatever he or she is doing. If only for a few minutes. See how it feels. Take time to write about the feelings, too. This may well encourage you to try it again tomorrow.
AUG 5 Detachment is a swift and sure way of expressing unconditional love.
Detachment may not seem like love, but it is. Being too involved in someone else’s life, whether for an hour, a day, or a lifetime, means we are loving ourselves far less than we deserve and not showing others the kind of respect they deserve. We are not crossing one another’s path to be in charge of them, but to complement them. The journey is intentional; what we learn is by design. What we are being invited to teach is byt design as well. One of the primary lessons for all of us is to respect the natural boundaries between us. This we do by detaching from the emotions, the behaviors, and the opinions of others. Hopefully, our example will serve to show them how it’s done, too.
Staying “on our side of the street” isn’t as hard as it first appears to be, but until we experience the behavior, we can’t know the relief it offers. From our shoulders down to our toes we actually realize a visceral freedom when we turn away from those convincing someone how this feels, but it must be tried to be appreciated and then sought again for its own reward.
Detachment, as an expression of unconditional love, is easier than we first might imagine. Remaining quiet when we want to speak is a good beginning. Offering a silent prayer rather than a suggestion is another. Removing ourselves from the setting entirely is also an obvious way to detach. But emotions may still be ensnared. Acting as if they aren’t is a great practice until the real thing comes along. But it will take time. Patience is a virtue.
Our greatest gift to someone else is unconditional love. We all crave it; we all deserve it. Most of us have not experienced it very often. Let’s commit to breaking this cycle now. Detachment is one of the ways.
AUG 6 Learning to detach is a process. It moves faster for some than for others. But the pace is not important.
How quickly we learn to detach from either the chaos or the mean-spiritedness present in the lives of others isn’t nearly as important as the commitment we make to doing it. I have suggested before that it’s the incremental efforts that make the most difference. One quiet prayer, one passage of time without a comment, one experience of walking away from a potential conflict all add up to growth, the kind that convinces us of the benefit of this new way of seeing life.
Change seldom happens quickly. The totally unexpected moment of full spiritual enlightenment is experienced by very few. Tiny examples, generally perceived in retrospect, are what show us change has occurred. The same is true with detachment. We won’t even notice initially that we have changed because it’s so subtle. But then, we see. We see that we are no longer tied to the whims of others. We are no longer tied to the attacks of others. Or the dismissals, the grunts, or the frowns of others. We will suddenly see that God has helped us do what we had not before been able to do for ourselves. The fact that we want to change is what’s important. How quickly that change happens rests with God. Our part is to make the effort, daily.
AUG 7 Seeing God within our friends will help us to let them live their own lives without our control. Detachment can come in many ways.
Seeing God in others is certainly one way of getting free of the need to control them. We all have our partnerships, and although we partner up with one another as spouses, lovers, and friends, our primary partnership is always with God. That’s the One we can count on for guidance and for constant approval and acceptance. Getting any of these gifts from others can happen, but we can’t count on that with any certainty. In others words, letting others be in our lives but not of our lives is how we truly live detached and joyful lives.
I have said before that an easy way to detach is simply to walk away quietly, rather than to be engaged in an argument that is escalating. It’s also easy to simply smile and say, “Perhaps,” rather than taking a discussion any further. But the easiest way to detach, for some, is to seek the face of Christ in one’s friend. When this was first suggested to me, I scoffed. I had only ever seen His face in a picture. I am not sure even today that I really see His face in another, but I do see a light ad I do feel compelled to let things be, regardless of the chaos. It’s a change in perspective, and some call that a miracle. I will settle for the feeling I get, whatever it’s called.
Experiencing detachment in multiple ways is worth the effort. What works well for one may not work as well for someone else. But I have yet to meet a person who was not able to detach when he or she really wanted freedom.
If freedom from the pain of others’ lives is what you seek, you have come to the right place. Any suggestion throughout this book will help you on your way. Willingness and tiny attempts are all it takes. God will help with the rest.
AUG 8 Detachment is a tool that can be practiced with and by everyone.
No one is immune from the effects of detachment. When we are learning to detach from the behavior of those we love, we get moments of relief between spells of doubt that what we are doing is the right thing. When we can see that others are detaching from us and our chaotic thinking, it actually helps us slow down. When we can’t engage others in our craziness, it begins to be diffused.
Everyone benefits from the practice of detachment. It could probably be proven that one’s health is improved as the result of detachment too. Taking a deep breath is good for all our cells and that’s the first step of detachment, after all. And when our friends and loved ones can see that we are no longer trapped by their chaos, they quiet down too. And if the struggle continues, we have many more steps we can take.
I have considered how valuable this tool could be if applied to world powers. Unfortunately, too many leaders feel that walking away is the coward’s way. Of course we might see that as a show of strength too, one that implies that it’s okay for you to have your opinion. I’ll keep mine. And we will peacefully coexist. People, individually, do it all the time. Just maybe it’s time to envision this on a broader scale and see what the results could be.
Surrendering to the practice of detachment is a healthy choice for everyone. Our example might be the only example another person is privy to today. Let’s not disappoint them.
AUG 9 Detaching from our companions does not mean discounting them, dismissing them, or rejecting them.
Keeping our focus on our own lives in no way means we don’t care about other people. Letting others be free of our focus is actually a gift to them. As a youngster, I seldom averted my eyes from others’ activities. I was obsessed with wondering what they were thinking about and if it related to me. Was I “okay?” Were they mad at times? Were they going to reprimand me or reject me? This obsession didn’t leave me until a few years after finding Al-Anon. The miracle is that it did leave.
I know that what happened for me can happen for anyone. I am certainly not special. What I did to help the process-and I learned this in the Twelve Step rooms-was to replace my thoughts of others with a vision of my Higher Power. I asked God for help many times a day to give me peace of mind and a different focus. And I asked to be more conscious of serving others, rather than always looking to be served.
When others detach from us, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. They are allowing us to grow. This valuable tool works well in the hands of all of us. We all grow in ways that are important to the entire human community when we free people to be who they have been born to be. Holding on keeps all of us stuck. Letting go frees everyone.
No one wants to be rejected or to feel dismissed. We all want to know we matter. But being the center of someone’s life doesn’t mean love. It may mean dependence, and that holds everyone hostage.
AUG 10 Keeping it simple helps us detach from others.
Using “keep it simple” as a mantra throughout the day can offer so much relief. It’s a nice reminder that we are not the managers of the world. We are not the managers of others’ lives. Some even say that our own life is none of our business, either. Letting each and every life be God’s business is a choice we can make. It’s a wise choice, in fact. Our shoulders relax, our breathing slows down, and our mind gets quiet when we decide to just “keep it simple” and stop doing that which we need not do.
Being able to say, “Keep it simple” over and over is similar to repeating the Serenity Prayer. It fills our mind with a softness that invites us to change our focus from where it was. The first time I saw the wall poster with the words “keep it simple,” I couldn’t fathom what it actually meant and why it would be hanging on a recovery room wall. What did it have to do with my situation? And what was the “it” that it referred to? Finally, I heard others share, using the phrase in ways that showed me how they kept their focus on themselves and away from others’ business. I could see how much better they felt than I was feeling. And I wanted what they had.
Seeing others in action is what teaches all of us that we can act differently, too. Attraction rather than promotion is one of the principles of Twelve Step recovery, and I was definitely attracted to the peace and well-being that others had. Offering that to others, now, keeps me coming back.
Keeping it simple makes every day easier, more productive, and quiet. Being an example of “Keeping it simple” keeps us away from managing those things that are not ours to manage. This may be our most important contribution today.
AUG 11 Detachment is how we release ourselves from responsibility for others.
Detaching from the activities of others may be an exercise of will, initially. In an almost mindless way, some of us simply hang on to those people in our midst, assuming they need our attention, our judgment, and our input on every detail of their lives.
Our perhaps we hang on because we aren’t sure who we are if they aren’t present. This was my struggle for decades. I needed another’s acknowledgment to know that I mattered. I feel embarrassed, at times, to look back to those days; then I remember that my struggle is why I can help others who have been sent my way that are struggling now in the same way. Everything we learn is recyclable. And this is as it should be.
Releasing ourselves from the companions we intentionally walk among does not mean we are relinquishing the friendships, the learning opportunities, or the growth. It only means we are allowing the kind of growth that needs to happen for all of us to unfold when the timing is right. Our attachments to others are not healthy, for any of us. And others aren’t ever present for that reason. Let’s not forget that.
The work you and I have to do here may relate to those we walk with, but there will always be a line between my work and yours. Seeking to see the line is the best lesson of all on many days.
AUG 12 Perfecting detachment is a lifelong journey. But prayer will help.
I have often pondered what it might feel like to have perfected a skill like detachment on a first attempt. Or even on the one-hundredth attempt. And I have concluded that had that been my story, I might have quit showing up at the Twelve Step meetings where I was learning about this valuable skill. And it’s in those meetings that magic occurs. It’s in those meetings that hearts and minds and souls connect and all of us have a chance to change in ways that were unimaginable before. It’s in those meetings that God always makes an appearance.
Some days I have to pinch myself to realize that the life I have been blessed with is real. My life had been so far from what it has become that one explanation is all that fits: God was always doing for me what I could not do for myself, and didn’t even want to do for myself. I had charted a course that was self-centered, codependent in every way, and riddled with alcohol and drug escapades. And yet, I am here. Prayer played a major roll (during that troubled time, other people’s prayers) in getting me where I am and still does.
I did used to think that those who relied on prayer were weak. Now I know that my strength for handling any situation comes from the God of my understanding. Nothing I used to believe rings true anymore.
Learning to detach is like breathing. Enjoy the process. It’s what being alive is all about. It’s why the other people are in your life. There’s no escaping the opportunities. But be grateful. Some of them are fleeting.
AUG 13 Detaching from others doesn’t preclude joining with them in a healthy way occasionally.
Detaching from others does not mean denying their presence. It’s not a negative action at all. It’s definitely not shunning those people who are in our lives. It’s much more akin to living in a positive place with others and keeping one’s focus where it really belongs: on ourselves. We never have to walk away and stay away from others unless we choose to do so. Detachment allows us to be friends, lovers, and companions. It’s simply a healthy way to be with all three groups.
The deeper purpose for sharing this journey with loved ones is the inner growth we experience when we intimately join with the minds and hearts of others. But the idea of joining with others is not an invitation to try to control what someone else might think or do. Joining with is not the opposite of detaching from. They are complementary. We can be lovingly detached in a way that supports being lovingly joined. In fact, that’s the real goal, and it’s a daily practice for most of us. The good news is that every little success we have makes it easier to apply the process the next day.
To lovingly detach means I love you unconditionally and trust you to make the next right decision. To lovingly join means I honor the steps you need to take and will accompany you if that’s your choice.
What we are learning here takes time. We can’t be discouraged. There is no rush; the opportunities will continue. And they will wait for us.
AUG 14 Detachment is simply watching the events that are unfolding around you, getting involved only when your journey is part of the experience.
Not reacting to the people or the situations that so easily attract our attention is not an easy skill to develop. And a skill it is. We must practice driving and chipping and putting a golf ball in order to be good golfers. We have to hit thousands of tennis balls against a backdrop to play tennis competitively. And we have to sit for long, long hours at the piano keys in order to become proficient pianists. We would not expect to be very good at any one of these activities without practice—lots of it.
But we seldom grasp until after many failures, sometimes years of failures that we have to practice and rehearse again and again the “art” of not reacting, of “detaching,” from the actions of those around us. How often we hear or, worse yet, say, “He made me do it!” Wrong! No one can make us do anything. Only we have the power to do or not do whatever we do. That’s the good news, in fact. We are in charge of ourselves; no one else is. The freedom that accompanies this realization will lift our spirits throughout the day.
Getting involved in the actions of others isn’t in my best interest, most of the time. I will walk away when I need to today.
AUG 15 Detachment is stepping back from an experience in order to allow room for God to do His part.
I seldom remember, without some prodding that I initially resist, that God is a factor in every person’s experience. My ego’s first inclination is to think that I am a necessary factor—not just an ordinary necessary factor but the deciding one—in the lives of my friends and family. Giving up control and letting God be the key influence in the lives of my loved ones is not easy. It takes trust. Not only trust in God but also trust in others and in my own willingness to approach my experiences with all of them differently.
The benefit of coming to believe that God is the key factor in everyone’s life is that it releases us from a heavy burden. Too many of us have tried to manage the lives of too many others for far too long. No one gains in that scenario. On the contrary, everyone loses the peace that comes with turning our lives over to the care and guidance off a loving God.
Keeping a mental note of all the times I step away from an experience that isn’t mine to control will fill me with a sense of empowerment. What a great opportunity this will be today.
AUG 1 6 Detachment promises quiet contentment.
Choosing contentment over agitation seems like a simple choice, but it apparently isn’t for many of us. All we have to do is take a brief inventory of the many encounters we had yesterday. How many of them were peaceful? Did we take “the high road” very often? Were a few of those encounters riddled with words or actions that embarrass us in retrospect? Were there some we regret yet today?
It’s been my experience that the encounters that are not peaceful fall into two categories: first, there are those that are the direct result of my trying to make something my business that is not my business—in other words, of my trying to control that which is not mine to control. The other category can best be described as letting someone else’s behaviour determine how I feel about myself. This becomes a cesspool, and I have wallowed in it far too many times. Fortunately, I am learning to make better choices. Now, I can walk away, most of the time, when I need to. How about you?
The first few times we make the choice to “be peaceful rather than right,” it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice. Give it a try today.
AUG 17 Detachment is making no one a project.
It’s my guess that since you have found this book of interest, you are able to relate to some of the struggles I have had over the years. One of these is “dancing around” the life of someone else, rather than leading my own life. I am pleased to say I have made a lot of progress in this arena, but for many decades, I didn’t know there was any other way to live. If someone else wasn’t at the center of my life, I wasn’t sure who I was. What a sad existence. What a sad recollection, too.
Not letting someone else determine who we are or what we think or how we feel is revelatory when first encountered as an idea. I was introduced to this notion in 1971 in a book titled Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell. I immediately embraced the philosophy even though I knew it was a truth I was not yet able to practice. Now, many years later, I realize that we are often given the seed of an idea long before it’s able to sprout real growth in our own lives. The fortunate thing is that we are never the same after the idea first presents itself.
I am my only project! Fully embracing this idea gives me so much freedom to do the many things I have been born to do. Others are in our lives for a reason, but they are not present as our works in progress.
AUG 18 Detachment means taking no hostages
Perhaps you have never thought that your obsession with another person might be defined as hostage taking. Historically, we think of hostages as those people who are imprisoned, particularly in a time of war. However, we can slide quite easily into making a friend or loved one a hostage of sorts by our attempts to control their every move.
Our smothering focus can be likened to making them our prisoner. But since the natural inclination of every prisoner is to want to flee, the outcome of our behaviour will never give us the result we are seeking.
Why is it that we are so determined to control someone else? I have given this a lot of consideration for the past few years and have concluded that our need to control others grows out of our own insecurity. We fear abandonment, perhaps, or simple rejection at least. Both will become the reality if we insist on keeping our focus on them rather than on us. Making the decision to change our focus is an available option.
While having a hostage might make us feel secure momentarily, we can always expect them to try to escape. That’s the natural inclination. Is that really how we want to live?
AUG 19 Detachment means giving up outcomes
Perhaps you have heard this wise phrase: Our job is the effort, not the outcome. But how often do we embrace it fully? Generally, we want to secure the result that we have imagined is the perfect one. To do this, we assume that we have to shepherd the project or the situation or the person down the path that leads to our definition of the “natural conclusion.” But the correct conclusion—God’s will—might not even resemble our will. That’s not an easy adjustment to make in our thinking.
Hindsight is so revealing. For just a moment, recall a situation in your past that you were determined to control, but the outcome was simply not what you had envisioned. Can you see how much better God’s outcome was? In my life, had I managed to make happen many of my “educated” choices, I’d not be alive to write this book. Thank goodness God had a far better outcome for me than my own. Now I know, even though I am still inclined to forget, that doing my part and then letting go of the rest will ensure, at the very least, my peace of mind. I like that feeling.
Detaching from outcomes, those that apply to us and those that apply to the actions of others, is the surest way to a peaceful day. Trying is believing!
AUG 20 Detachment is letting the solutions be determined by God.
Solutions are seldom simple. Perhaps that’s because they generally involve other people too. When any one of us is certain that we have the best solution for any problem or situation confronting us, we have naturally chosen one that benefits us. There’s nothing wrong with that stance. However, it may not be the best solution for all the people who are affected by the situation. Backing off and letting God be a participant in every decision results in an outcome that offers us peace of mind and the most beneficial solution for all.
If only we could remember that God is a willing participant, we might call Him the trouble shooter for every situation we encounter. We don’t ever have to figure out anything alone. God would prefer otherwise, in fact. We need not ever make plans without consultation with the One who always knows the best direction for us to take. God is like having a GPS at our constant disposal that will, without fail, get us to our right destination. Always! And we can enjoy peace of mind. Always!
Giving detachment a chance today will be like getting a paid vacation. We don’t need to attend to situations that belong to others, and we can let God be part of every situation that does involve us. What relief we will feel.
AUG 21 Detachment is letting the solutions be determined by God.
Solutions are seldom simple. Perhaps that’s because they generally involve other people too. When any one of us is certain that we have the best solution for any problem or situation confronting us, we have naturally chosen one that benefits us. There’s nothing wrong with that stance. However, it may not be the best solution for all the people who are affected by the situation. Backing off and letting God be a participant in every decision results in an outcome that offers us peace of mind and the most beneficial solution for all.
If only we could remember that God is a willing participant, we might call Him the trouble shooter for every situation we encounter. We don’t ever have to figure out anything alone. God would prefer otherwise, in fact. We need not ever make plans without consultation with the One who always knows the best direction for us to take. God is like having a GPS at our constant disposal that will, without fail, get us to our right destination. Always! And we can enjoy peace of mind. Always!
Giving detachment a chance today will be like getting a paid vacation. We don’t need to attend to situations that belong to others, and we can let God be part of every situation that does involve us. What relief we will feel.
AUG 22 Detachment is getting over “it,” whatever “it” is.
The insanity of hanging on to those situations or recollections that disturbed our well-being sometimes of occurrences that happened years ago, thinking that if we just figure them out we can change the people or the outcome, is far too familiar. I speak from experience! How often I have let the behaviour of others take control of my emotions or my actions. My memories of a past slight, or an imagined slight, can easily be conjured up, and my feelings can be hurt or I can feel angry all over again. How embarrassing to admit this after all the years I have been making this spiritual journey. But alas, it’s true, and I think it may occasionally be true for others, too.
This is not about living perfectly. It’s about making progress, even a bit of progress, as regularly as possible. My struggle with acceptance has been the big issue lately. I simply have forgotten that it’s not my job to change others or to even expect others to change. My job is to accept people as they are, knowing that their journey is exactly as it needs to be for them, as is mine. We are always where we need to be on this path. We are always traveling with those we need to travel with. Period! There are no accidents. Ever!
I will accept whatever is happening as part of the plan for me today. With God’s help I can be fully accepting.
AUG 23 Detachment simplifies our life
Closely monitoring one life is really quite enough. Paying too close attention to someone else’s life will only upset the balance of our own. We have the energy to live one life, not two or more. It’s God’s work to orchestrate the lives of others. Why are we so insistent on taking on more that we have been selected to do? Could it be that we are afraid others will leave us behind if we aren’t wrapped up in their plans, their daily activities, their dreams for the future?
Having a simpler life, one that concerns itself with only our activities, is really so refreshing. So energizing. So peaceful. Until we remove our attention from the machinations of others, we can’t even get a sense of what having more energy, extended periods of peace, and the joy that comes with detachment feels like. But once we have allowed ourselves to know this feeling we will hunger for it more and more. In time, we will seek the freedom of detachment on a daily basis. And on a daily basis we will live peacefully.
Being peaceful and enjoying the simple life doesn’t have to elude us. Keeping our focus where it belongs is the method for attaining this peace. Today is the right day to seek it.
AUG 24 Detachment is an acquired habit.
Obsession with the actions of others-wishing he or she would change, wanting more attention or perhaps less, wishing our significant others would let us decide their fate-is so exhausting. When we are caught up in the cycle of obsession, we are seldom even aware of how we are letting our own lifes slip away. But slip away they will. Learning how to let go of others and their lives takes willingness, a tremendous commitment to staying the course, and constant practice. If we don’t keep this as a goal for our lives, we will miss the opportunities God is sending us for our own unique growth. We can only do justice to one life; ours.
Being detached from someone does not mean no longer caring for them. It does not mean pretending they no longer exist. It does not mean avoiding all contact with them. Being detached simply means not letting their behavior determine our feelings. It means not letting their behavior determine how we act, how we think, how we pray. Detachment is a loving act of r all concerned. No one wants to be the constant center of someone else’s life, at least not for long. Two people lose their lives when either one is constantly focused on the other. That’s not why we are here.
We can journey together today. From the shared journey we learn. But being enmeshed with another rather than complementing another’s journey will destroy both parties. I will keep this in my memory bank today.
AUG 25 Detachment means freedom from obsession.
I, for one, am all too familiar with how obsessing over the actions of others can cause my emotions to spin out of control. Left unchecked, I can find myself in a downward spiral that feels overwhelming and can lead to the awful feeling of hopelessness that used to be a constant companion. Obsession with others on our path can creep up on us when least expected. But I have come to understand, with the help of those wiser than myself on this journey, that when I am ot staying close enough to my Higher Power, I am very vulnerable to the old habit of watching others and letting how they behave determine how I feel.
I have been on this spiritual journey for many decades, actually for my whole life when I acknowledge that God was always present even when I was unable to acknowledge it. And yet, I can slip away from the very habits that keep me serene, sane, and living in the joy that is my birthright. I am quite certain the same is true for many of you. We can learn how to detach. We can think about God rather than about what someone else is doing or not doing. Moving our thought s from one to the other is the key to happiness. It’s guaranteed.
Being lovingly detached is the best way to honor one another’s journey. Everyone is here for a specific set of lessons. We must allow everyone to follow his or her own inner guidance to learn their lessons.
AUG 26 Detachment is knowing that what others do is not a reflection on you.
When our companions act out or treat us poorly in public, when our friends or partners are rude or ill-behaved in any way, it’s easy to think that others are judging us along with our partner for whatever he or she has done, particularly if we have been guilty of this form of judgment ourselves. I don’t thing we instinctively know that another person’s behaviour reflects solely on them, never on us. If others do judge us for someone else’s behaviour, it’s generally because they are enmeshed in the actions of others themselves.
Having good boundaries with the people on our journey requires daily attention. Because we know others are sharing our journey for the lessons we are both here to learn. It’s easy to slip over the line that actually separates what any one of us individually needs to master. We aren’t separate from one another in the spiritual sense, but that’s another matter. Let’s not confuse the two. When we do, others’ actions and choices get in the way of our peace of mind. And neither of us can find the joy that has been promised us.
Defining our boundaries with others serves both of us. It assures us that we will never get entrapped in emotions that belong to someone else.
AUG 27 Detachment is not making a big deal of situations, even complicated ones.
When I was whining for the umpteenth time about a situation over which I had no control, a good friend said, “So what?” I was initially startled, miffed, and even slightly hurt, but soon realized that she had done me a great service. I was creating a drama over a very minor, though often repeated, situation. And the reality is, we don’t need to dramatize even major situations. When we allow God into the mix of the resolution, calm can prevail. As I have matured, calm has become far more attractive to me.
Knowing that “I can feel peace instead of this” has been a lifesaving mantra. The only problem is that I have to remember to use it. Periodically I slide into old behavior and let what’s happening around me influence how I am feeling. When my emotions get triggered by what I am seeing others do or hearing what others are saying, I have given up my own life for the moment. Their actions or words may not make me angry, but they can create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my own reality, and I’m far better for it.
Creating my own reality is an excellent undertaking every moment of the day. Unless I am in the flow of detaching from others, my reality will be clouded by their behavior.
AUG 28 Detachment empowers us.
The gift of empowerment comes every time we let someone else decide his or her fate. Even the tiny decision someone might be struggling with doesn’t need our input unless asked for. This is not an easy realization to come to grips with. So much of our persona may well be tied to having our friends or family members mirror our choices. And yet, when we lay that expectation on them or simply hold that expectation quietly within, we will experience chaos. No one wants to be controlled. Even when we are subtle about it, it’s recognized and resisted.
You may be wondering what empowerment feels like if this is a new concept to you. It’s probably best understood in terms of synonyms. It’s freedom. It’s peace of mind. It’s not feeling absorbed by the antics of others. It’s clarity of thinking. It’s a feeling of lightness throughout the body. It’s having the time to be joyful and unencumbered. It’s having the sense that God is close. Detachment is truly a gift of great proportions. Nothing can be well attended to when our emotions are attached to the actions of others.
Today I will become willing to let God, not my companions, be the center of my life.
AUG 29 Detachment frees us from overreaction.
Overreacting to the myriad situations in my life whether bona fide major ones or extremely minor incidents, was once standard practice. Maybe you can relate. It made little difference what my spouse or a friend or co-worker did; I was capable of taking their actions or words quite personally and then acting in ways that were seldom fitting for the situation. The idea of considering how I wanted to respond and then actually responding in a sane way had never occurred to me. For decades I had watched my family of origin react to whatever happened, and I was a great imitator.
Learning that there is another way to see, to interpret, to respond is like being given a second chance at life. We are on this path with others because of what we each have to learn. We are journeying together. Intentionally. We are not making the journey for each other or as each other. Doing for others what they need to do for themselves prevents the learning that needs to occur, both ours and theirs. Stepping aside and watching others handle that which is theirs to handle, and not letting what they do determine how we feel, is the “real stuff” of this journey. Discovering this makes every minute pretty exciting.
Making the decision to thoroughly enjoy this or any other day is pretty simple. It relies on our willingness to not let the actions of others take over our minds. We are in charge of what we think, what we way, what we do. Grabbing hold of his principle will change everything.
AUG 30 Detachment may mean doing nothing.
Do nothing! What a concept! With what frequency does your mind savor the idea of doing nothing when a partner or friend pushes your buttons? Probably not very often, unless you have already acquired some understanding of the pitfalls of being too attached to the whims, the behavior, or the attitudes and opinions of others. Simply walking away when our ego really wants to scream in retaliation is not easy. In fact, it may feel nearly impossible. But it can be done. I know; I have learned to do it.
Not responding………in other words, detaching…………doesn’t mean we don’t care what the other person is doing or saying to’ or ‘about’ us. We may care a great deal. But we have to ask ourselves, Will it help this situation for me to say something? If it honestly will, try to speak lovingly; but in most instances, letting the moment pass will be more fruitful. Adding fuel to the embers of an incident will cause it to erupt into flames that can easily get out of control. We have all been there. We don’t ever have to go there again.
Making the choice to do nothing when we feel like someone is trying to egg us on is a hugely important decision. The empowerment we will feel is so worth the effort it takes to simply let the moment pass.
AUG 31 Detachment may be remaining quiet.
The urge to respond verbally, and generally not too kindly, to a perceived attack, an imagined affront, or an unmistakable put-down is overwhelming sometimes. Although giving in to the urge is not the end of the world, it will not help the situation. In most instances, the solution to a situation that borders on ugly is to bless it and let it go. Those who attack us in any form are full of fear. It may be fear of lack of control, fear of not getting what they deserve, fear of rejection, or fear of looking insignificant that makes them do and say what injures others. But certainly fear is at the root.
Saying to ourselves in those situations that no harm is meant will defuse the emotions that might be running through our mind at that time. Responding from an angry place, whether seemingly justified or not, will not make for a productive resolution. The only sensible response to a fearful outburst from someone else is an expression of love, either verbally spoken or quietly embraced in the mind. Countering fear with a fearful expression, which is what all anger engenders, will not result in a peaceful moment in the life of anyone. Giving peace a chance by remaining quiet is a gift to all of us.
Being quiet in the face of a potential disagreement is actually quite rewarding because of the relief it offers. We don’t have to engage in any negative dispute. We don’t have to engage in any conversation of any kind, in fact. Let’s consider standing aside today.
AUG 1 Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time.
I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason. I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me. I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming. Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to mange anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
AUG 2 Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers.
I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peach in the past. A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace. It takes at least two to have to have a conflict, remember.
It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet. I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental, our lessons aren’t, either. Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you?
Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
AUG 3 Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make.
The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that didn’t cotton to having our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments. Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused. My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers, What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time. To begin with, I detach in the little ways that matter. In that way we can see what’s in store for us in the days ahead. We can begin today and notice how much better we feel.
AUG 4 Making the decision to detach from a loved one may well be the most important, as well as the kindest, gift we can give ourselves. Ever.
Most of us are quite aware when we are being loving to others and when we are withholding that love. We can feel it throughout our bodies. But are we as conscious of that expression of love toward ourselves? Perhaps not. And yet, with every breath we take, we are offering a whisper of self-love, or not, within the folds of that which we are expressing to others. There really is no separation between us and others. Initially this idea may not resonate with us, but it’s nonetheless true.
I lived in a mindset of “us and them” for much of my life. Our culture seems to breed this idea in us, particularly when we consider the advertising that bombards us. Never are we encouraged to see others as fellow travelers who are the mirrors we need in order to better understand ourselves. But we can choose to see in them who we are and then when we offer compassion or acceptance or the gift of understanding with detachment, we are “gifting” ourselves as well. What we give, we also receive. The circle is made complete, with or without our awareness.
Seeing detachment as a gift may seem unusual to you. At the most superficial level, detachment seems like we are cutting ourselves off from others. But this is not what detachment means. It means to release another to be whoever is calling him from within. Preventing someone from hearing their own inner voice means we won’t hear ours, either. Detachment releases both of us and that’s the primary reason to value it.
Choose one person today and practice detaching from whatever he or she is doing. If only for a few minutes. See how it feels. Take time to write about the feelings, too. This may well encourage you to try it again tomorrow.
AUG 5 Detachment is a swift and sure way of expressing unconditional love.
Detachment may not seem like love, but it is. Being too involved in someone else’s life, whether for an hour, a day, or a lifetime, means we are loving ourselves far less than we deserve and not showing others the kind of respect they deserve. We are not crossing one another’s path to be in charge of them, but to complement them. The journey is intentional; what we learn is by design. What we are being invited to teach is byt design as well. One of the primary lessons for all of us is to respect the natural boundaries between us. This we do by detaching from the emotions, the behaviors, and the opinions of others. Hopefully, our example will serve to show them how it’s done, too.
Staying “on our side of the street” isn’t as hard as it first appears to be, but until we experience the behavior, we can’t know the relief it offers. From our shoulders down to our toes we actually realize a visceral freedom when we turn away from those convincing someone how this feels, but it must be tried to be appreciated and then sought again for its own reward.
Detachment, as an expression of unconditional love, is easier than we first might imagine. Remaining quiet when we want to speak is a good beginning. Offering a silent prayer rather than a suggestion is another. Removing ourselves from the setting entirely is also an obvious way to detach. But emotions may still be ensnared. Acting as if they aren’t is a great practice until the real thing comes along. But it will take time. Patience is a virtue.
Our greatest gift to someone else is unconditional love. We all crave it; we all deserve it. Most of us have not experienced it very often. Let’s commit to breaking this cycle now. Detachment is one of the ways.
AUG 6 Learning to detach is a process. It moves faster for some than for others. But the pace is not important.
How quickly we learn to detach from either the chaos or the mean-spiritedness present in the lives of others isn’t nearly as important as the commitment we make to doing it. I have suggested before that it’s the incremental efforts that make the most difference. One quiet prayer, one passage of time without a comment, one experience of walking away from a potential conflict all add up to growth, the kind that convinces us of the benefit of this new way of seeing life.
Change seldom happens quickly. The totally unexpected moment of full spiritual enlightenment is experienced by very few. Tiny examples, generally perceived in retrospect, are what show us change has occurred. The same is true with detachment. We won’t even notice initially that we have changed because it’s so subtle. But then, we see. We see that we are no longer tied to the whims of others. We are no longer tied to the attacks of others. Or the dismissals, the grunts, or the frowns of others. We will suddenly see that God has helped us do what we had not before been able to do for ourselves. The fact that we want to change is what’s important. How quickly that change happens rests with God. Our part is to make the effort, daily.
AUG 7 Seeing God within our friends will help us to let them live their own lives without our control. Detachment can come in many ways.
Seeing God in others is certainly one way of getting free of the need to control them. We all have our partnerships, and although we partner up with one another as spouses, lovers, and friends, our primary partnership is always with God. That’s the One we can count on for guidance and for constant approval and acceptance. Getting any of these gifts from others can happen, but we can’t count on that with any certainty. In others words, letting others be in our lives but not of our lives is how we truly live detached and joyful lives.
I have said before that an easy way to detach is simply to walk away quietly, rather than to be engaged in an argument that is escalating. It’s also easy to simply smile and say, “Perhaps,” rather than taking a discussion any further. But the easiest way to detach, for some, is to seek the face of Christ in one’s friend. When this was first suggested to me, I scoffed. I had only ever seen His face in a picture. I am not sure even today that I really see His face in another, but I do see a light ad I do feel compelled to let things be, regardless of the chaos. It’s a change in perspective, and some call that a miracle. I will settle for the feeling I get, whatever it’s called.
Experiencing detachment in multiple ways is worth the effort. What works well for one may not work as well for someone else. But I have yet to meet a person who was not able to detach when he or she really wanted freedom.
If freedom from the pain of others’ lives is what you seek, you have come to the right place. Any suggestion throughout this book will help you on your way. Willingness and tiny attempts are all it takes. God will help with the rest.
AUG 8 Detachment is a tool that can be practiced with and by everyone.
No one is immune from the effects of detachment. When we are learning to detach from the behavior of those we love, we get moments of relief between spells of doubt that what we are doing is the right thing. When we can see that others are detaching from us and our chaotic thinking, it actually helps us slow down. When we can’t engage others in our craziness, it begins to be diffused.
Everyone benefits from the practice of detachment. It could probably be proven that one’s health is improved as the result of detachment too. Taking a deep breath is good for all our cells and that’s the first step of detachment, after all. And when our friends and loved ones can see that we are no longer trapped by their chaos, they quiet down too. And if the struggle continues, we have many more steps we can take.
I have considered how valuable this tool could be if applied to world powers. Unfortunately, too many leaders feel that walking away is the coward’s way. Of course we might see that as a show of strength too, one that implies that it’s okay for you to have your opinion. I’ll keep mine. And we will peacefully coexist. People, individually, do it all the time. Just maybe it’s time to envision this on a broader scale and see what the results could be.
Surrendering to the practice of detachment is a healthy choice for everyone. Our example might be the only example another person is privy to today. Let’s not disappoint them.
AUG 9 Detaching from our companions does not mean discounting them, dismissing them, or rejecting them.
Keeping our focus on our own lives in no way means we don’t care about other people. Letting others be free of our focus is actually a gift to them. As a youngster, I seldom averted my eyes from others’ activities. I was obsessed with wondering what they were thinking about and if it related to me. Was I “okay?” Were they mad at times? Were they going to reprimand me or reject me? This obsession didn’t leave me until a few years after finding Al-Anon. The miracle is that it did leave.
I know that what happened for me can happen for anyone. I am certainly not special. What I did to help the process-and I learned this in the Twelve Step rooms-was to replace my thoughts of others with a vision of my Higher Power. I asked God for help many times a day to give me peace of mind and a different focus. And I asked to be more conscious of serving others, rather than always looking to be served.
When others detach from us, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. They are allowing us to grow. This valuable tool works well in the hands of all of us. We all grow in ways that are important to the entire human community when we free people to be who they have been born to be. Holding on keeps all of us stuck. Letting go frees everyone.
No one wants to be rejected or to feel dismissed. We all want to know we matter. But being the center of someone’s life doesn’t mean love. It may mean dependence, and that holds everyone hostage.
AUG 10 Keeping it simple helps us detach from others.
Using “keep it simple” as a mantra throughout the day can offer so much relief. It’s a nice reminder that we are not the managers of the world. We are not the managers of others’ lives. Some even say that our own life is none of our business, either. Letting each and every life be God’s business is a choice we can make. It’s a wise choice, in fact. Our shoulders relax, our breathing slows down, and our mind gets quiet when we decide to just “keep it simple” and stop doing that which we need not do.
Being able to say, “Keep it simple” over and over is similar to repeating the Serenity Prayer. It fills our mind with a softness that invites us to change our focus from where it was. The first time I saw the wall poster with the words “keep it simple,” I couldn’t fathom what it actually meant and why it would be hanging on a recovery room wall. What did it have to do with my situation? And what was the “it” that it referred to? Finally, I heard others share, using the phrase in ways that showed me how they kept their focus on themselves and away from others’ business. I could see how much better they felt than I was feeling. And I wanted what they had.
Seeing others in action is what teaches all of us that we can act differently, too. Attraction rather than promotion is one of the principles of Twelve Step recovery, and I was definitely attracted to the peace and well-being that others had. Offering that to others, now, keeps me coming back.
Keeping it simple makes every day easier, more productive, and quiet. Being an example of “Keeping it simple” keeps us away from managing those things that are not ours to manage. This may be our most important contribution today.
AUG 11 Detachment is how we release ourselves from responsibility for others.
Detaching from the activities of others may be an exercise of will, initially. In an almost mindless way, some of us simply hang on to those people in our midst, assuming they need our attention, our judgment, and our input on every detail of their lives.
Our perhaps we hang on because we aren’t sure who we are if they aren’t present. This was my struggle for decades. I needed another’s acknowledgment to know that I mattered. I feel embarrassed, at times, to look back to those days; then I remember that my struggle is why I can help others who have been sent my way that are struggling now in the same way. Everything we learn is recyclable. And this is as it should be.
Releasing ourselves from the companions we intentionally walk among does not mean we are relinquishing the friendships, the learning opportunities, or the growth. It only means we are allowing the kind of growth that needs to happen for all of us to unfold when the timing is right. Our attachments to others are not healthy, for any of us. And others aren’t ever present for that reason. Let’s not forget that.
The work you and I have to do here may relate to those we walk with, but there will always be a line between my work and yours. Seeking to see the line is the best lesson of all on many days.
AUG 12 Perfecting detachment is a lifelong journey. But prayer will help.
I have often pondered what it might feel like to have perfected a skill like detachment on a first attempt. Or even on the one-hundredth attempt. And I have concluded that had that been my story, I might have quit showing up at the Twelve Step meetings where I was learning about this valuable skill. And it’s in those meetings that magic occurs. It’s in those meetings that hearts and minds and souls connect and all of us have a chance to change in ways that were unimaginable before. It’s in those meetings that God always makes an appearance.
Some days I have to pinch myself to realize that the life I have been blessed with is real. My life had been so far from what it has become that one explanation is all that fits: God was always doing for me what I could not do for myself, and didn’t even want to do for myself. I had charted a course that was self-centered, codependent in every way, and riddled with alcohol and drug escapades. And yet, I am here. Prayer played a major roll (during that troubled time, other people’s prayers) in getting me where I am and still does.
I did used to think that those who relied on prayer were weak. Now I know that my strength for handling any situation comes from the God of my understanding. Nothing I used to believe rings true anymore.
Learning to detach is like breathing. Enjoy the process. It’s what being alive is all about. It’s why the other people are in your life. There’s no escaping the opportunities. But be grateful. Some of them are fleeting.
AUG 13 Detaching from others doesn’t preclude joining with them in a healthy way occasionally.
Detaching from others does not mean denying their presence. It’s not a negative action at all. It’s definitely not shunning those people who are in our lives. It’s much more akin to living in a positive place with others and keeping one’s focus where it really belongs: on ourselves. We never have to walk away and stay away from others unless we choose to do so. Detachment allows us to be friends, lovers, and companions. It’s simply a healthy way to be with all three groups.
The deeper purpose for sharing this journey with loved ones is the inner growth we experience when we intimately join with the minds and hearts of others. But the idea of joining with others is not an invitation to try to control what someone else might think or do. Joining with is not the opposite of detaching from. They are complementary. We can be lovingly detached in a way that supports being lovingly joined. In fact, that’s the real goal, and it’s a daily practice for most of us. The good news is that every little success we have makes it easier to apply the process the next day.
To lovingly detach means I love you unconditionally and trust you to make the next right decision. To lovingly join means I honor the steps you need to take and will accompany you if that’s your choice.
What we are learning here takes time. We can’t be discouraged. There is no rush; the opportunities will continue. And they will wait for us.
AUG 14 Detachment is simply watching the events that are unfolding around you, getting involved only when your journey is part of the experience.
Not reacting to the people or the situations that so easily attract our attention is not an easy skill to develop. And a skill it is. We must practice driving and chipping and putting a golf ball in order to be good golfers. We have to hit thousands of tennis balls against a backdrop to play tennis competitively. And we have to sit for long, long hours at the piano keys in order to become proficient pianists. We would not expect to be very good at any one of these activities without practice—lots of it.
But we seldom grasp until after many failures, sometimes years of failures that we have to practice and rehearse again and again the “art” of not reacting, of “detaching,” from the actions of those around us. How often we hear or, worse yet, say, “He made me do it!” Wrong! No one can make us do anything. Only we have the power to do or not do whatever we do. That’s the good news, in fact. We are in charge of ourselves; no one else is. The freedom that accompanies this realization will lift our spirits throughout the day.
Getting involved in the actions of others isn’t in my best interest, most of the time. I will walk away when I need to today.
AUG 15 Detachment is stepping back from an experience in order to allow room for God to do His part.
I seldom remember, without some prodding that I initially resist, that God is a factor in every person’s experience. My ego’s first inclination is to think that I am a necessary factor—not just an ordinary necessary factor but the deciding one—in the lives of my friends and family. Giving up control and letting God be the key influence in the lives of my loved ones is not easy. It takes trust. Not only trust in God but also trust in others and in my own willingness to approach my experiences with all of them differently.
The benefit of coming to believe that God is the key factor in everyone’s life is that it releases us from a heavy burden. Too many of us have tried to manage the lives of too many others for far too long. No one gains in that scenario. On the contrary, everyone loses the peace that comes with turning our lives over to the care and guidance off a loving God.
Keeping a mental note of all the times I step away from an experience that isn’t mine to control will fill me with a sense of empowerment. What a great opportunity this will be today.
AUG 1 6 Detachment promises quiet contentment.
Choosing contentment over agitation seems like a simple choice, but it apparently isn’t for many of us. All we have to do is take a brief inventory of the many encounters we had yesterday. How many of them were peaceful? Did we take “the high road” very often? Were a few of those encounters riddled with words or actions that embarrass us in retrospect? Were there some we regret yet today?
It’s been my experience that the encounters that are not peaceful fall into two categories: first, there are those that are the direct result of my trying to make something my business that is not my business—in other words, of my trying to control that which is not mine to control. The other category can best be described as letting someone else’s behaviour determine how I feel about myself. This becomes a cesspool, and I have wallowed in it far too many times. Fortunately, I am learning to make better choices. Now, I can walk away, most of the time, when I need to. How about you?
The first few times we make the choice to “be peaceful rather than right,” it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice. Give it a try today.
AUG 17 Detachment is making no one a project.
It’s my guess that since you have found this book of interest, you are able to relate to some of the struggles I have had over the years. One of these is “dancing around” the life of someone else, rather than leading my own life. I am pleased to say I have made a lot of progress in this arena, but for many decades, I didn’t know there was any other way to live. If someone else wasn’t at the center of my life, I wasn’t sure who I was. What a sad existence. What a sad recollection, too.
Not letting someone else determine who we are or what we think or how we feel is revelatory when first encountered as an idea. I was introduced to this notion in 1971 in a book titled Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell. I immediately embraced the philosophy even though I knew it was a truth I was not yet able to practice. Now, many years later, I realize that we are often given the seed of an idea long before it’s able to sprout real growth in our own lives. The fortunate thing is that we are never the same after the idea first presents itself.
I am my only project! Fully embracing this idea gives me so much freedom to do the many things I have been born to do. Others are in our lives for a reason, but they are not present as our works in progress.
AUG 18 Detachment means taking no hostages
Perhaps you have never thought that your obsession with another person might be defined as hostage taking. Historically, we think of hostages as those people who are imprisoned, particularly in a time of war. However, we can slide quite easily into making a friend or loved one a hostage of sorts by our attempts to control their every move.
Our smothering focus can be likened to making them our prisoner. But since the natural inclination of every prisoner is to want to flee, the outcome of our behaviour will never give us the result we are seeking.
Why is it that we are so determined to control someone else? I have given this a lot of consideration for the past few years and have concluded that our need to control others grows out of our own insecurity. We fear abandonment, perhaps, or simple rejection at least. Both will become the reality if we insist on keeping our focus on them rather than on us. Making the decision to change our focus is an available option.
While having a hostage might make us feel secure momentarily, we can always expect them to try to escape. That’s the natural inclination. Is that really how we want to live?
AUG 19 Detachment means giving up outcomes
Perhaps you have heard this wise phrase: Our job is the effort, not the outcome. But how often do we embrace it fully? Generally, we want to secure the result that we have imagined is the perfect one. To do this, we assume that we have to shepherd the project or the situation or the person down the path that leads to our definition of the “natural conclusion.” But the correct conclusion—God’s will—might not even resemble our will. That’s not an easy adjustment to make in our thinking.
Hindsight is so revealing. For just a moment, recall a situation in your past that you were determined to control, but the outcome was simply not what you had envisioned. Can you see how much better God’s outcome was? In my life, had I managed to make happen many of my “educated” choices, I’d not be alive to write this book. Thank goodness God had a far better outcome for me than my own. Now I know, even though I am still inclined to forget, that doing my part and then letting go of the rest will ensure, at the very least, my peace of mind. I like that feeling.
Detaching from outcomes, those that apply to us and those that apply to the actions of others, is the surest way to a peaceful day. Trying is believing!
AUG 20 Detachment is letting the solutions be determined by God.
Solutions are seldom simple. Perhaps that’s because they generally involve other people too. When any one of us is certain that we have the best solution for any problem or situation confronting us, we have naturally chosen one that benefits us. There’s nothing wrong with that stance. However, it may not be the best solution for all the people who are affected by the situation. Backing off and letting God be a participant in every decision results in an outcome that offers us peace of mind and the most beneficial solution for all.
If only we could remember that God is a willing participant, we might call Him the trouble shooter for every situation we encounter. We don’t ever have to figure out anything alone. God would prefer otherwise, in fact. We need not ever make plans without consultation with the One who always knows the best direction for us to take. God is like having a GPS at our constant disposal that will, without fail, get us to our right destination. Always! And we can enjoy peace of mind. Always!
Giving detachment a chance today will be like getting a paid vacation. We don’t need to attend to situations that belong to others, and we can let God be part of every situation that does involve us. What relief we will feel.
AUG 21 Detachment is letting the solutions be determined by God.
Solutions are seldom simple. Perhaps that’s because they generally involve other people too. When any one of us is certain that we have the best solution for any problem or situation confronting us, we have naturally chosen one that benefits us. There’s nothing wrong with that stance. However, it may not be the best solution for all the people who are affected by the situation. Backing off and letting God be a participant in every decision results in an outcome that offers us peace of mind and the most beneficial solution for all.
If only we could remember that God is a willing participant, we might call Him the trouble shooter for every situation we encounter. We don’t ever have to figure out anything alone. God would prefer otherwise, in fact. We need not ever make plans without consultation with the One who always knows the best direction for us to take. God is like having a GPS at our constant disposal that will, without fail, get us to our right destination. Always! And we can enjoy peace of mind. Always!
Giving detachment a chance today will be like getting a paid vacation. We don’t need to attend to situations that belong to others, and we can let God be part of every situation that does involve us. What relief we will feel.
AUG 22 Detachment is getting over “it,” whatever “it” is.
The insanity of hanging on to those situations or recollections that disturbed our well-being sometimes of occurrences that happened years ago, thinking that if we just figure them out we can change the people or the outcome, is far too familiar. I speak from experience! How often I have let the behaviour of others take control of my emotions or my actions. My memories of a past slight, or an imagined slight, can easily be conjured up, and my feelings can be hurt or I can feel angry all over again. How embarrassing to admit this after all the years I have been making this spiritual journey. But alas, it’s true, and I think it may occasionally be true for others, too.
This is not about living perfectly. It’s about making progress, even a bit of progress, as regularly as possible. My struggle with acceptance has been the big issue lately. I simply have forgotten that it’s not my job to change others or to even expect others to change. My job is to accept people as they are, knowing that their journey is exactly as it needs to be for them, as is mine. We are always where we need to be on this path. We are always traveling with those we need to travel with. Period! There are no accidents. Ever!
I will accept whatever is happening as part of the plan for me today. With God’s help I can be fully accepting.
AUG 23 Detachment simplifies our life
Closely monitoring one life is really quite enough. Paying too close attention to someone else’s life will only upset the balance of our own. We have the energy to live one life, not two or more. It’s God’s work to orchestrate the lives of others. Why are we so insistent on taking on more that we have been selected to do? Could it be that we are afraid others will leave us behind if we aren’t wrapped up in their plans, their daily activities, their dreams for the future?
Having a simpler life, one that concerns itself with only our activities, is really so refreshing. So energizing. So peaceful. Until we remove our attention from the machinations of others, we can’t even get a sense of what having more energy, extended periods of peace, and the joy that comes with detachment feels like. But once we have allowed ourselves to know this feeling we will hunger for it more and more. In time, we will seek the freedom of detachment on a daily basis. And on a daily basis we will live peacefully.
Being peaceful and enjoying the simple life doesn’t have to elude us. Keeping our focus where it belongs is the method for attaining this peace. Today is the right day to seek it.
AUG 24 Detachment is an acquired habit.
Obsession with the actions of others-wishing he or she would change, wanting more attention or perhaps less, wishing our significant others would let us decide their fate-is so exhausting. When we are caught up in the cycle of obsession, we are seldom even aware of how we are letting our own lifes slip away. But slip away they will. Learning how to let go of others and their lives takes willingness, a tremendous commitment to staying the course, and constant practice. If we don’t keep this as a goal for our lives, we will miss the opportunities God is sending us for our own unique growth. We can only do justice to one life; ours.
Being detached from someone does not mean no longer caring for them. It does not mean pretending they no longer exist. It does not mean avoiding all contact with them. Being detached simply means not letting their behavior determine our feelings. It means not letting their behavior determine how we act, how we think, how we pray. Detachment is a loving act of r all concerned. No one wants to be the constant center of someone else’s life, at least not for long. Two people lose their lives when either one is constantly focused on the other. That’s not why we are here.
We can journey together today. From the shared journey we learn. But being enmeshed with another rather than complementing another’s journey will destroy both parties. I will keep this in my memory bank today.
AUG 25 Detachment means freedom from obsession.
I, for one, am all too familiar with how obsessing over the actions of others can cause my emotions to spin out of control. Left unchecked, I can find myself in a downward spiral that feels overwhelming and can lead to the awful feeling of hopelessness that used to be a constant companion. Obsession with others on our path can creep up on us when least expected. But I have come to understand, with the help of those wiser than myself on this journey, that when I am ot staying close enough to my Higher Power, I am very vulnerable to the old habit of watching others and letting how they behave determine how I feel.
I have been on this spiritual journey for many decades, actually for my whole life when I acknowledge that God was always present even when I was unable to acknowledge it. And yet, I can slip away from the very habits that keep me serene, sane, and living in the joy that is my birthright. I am quite certain the same is true for many of you. We can learn how to detach. We can think about God rather than about what someone else is doing or not doing. Moving our thought s from one to the other is the key to happiness. It’s guaranteed.
Being lovingly detached is the best way to honor one another’s journey. Everyone is here for a specific set of lessons. We must allow everyone to follow his or her own inner guidance to learn their lessons.
AUG 26 Detachment is knowing that what others do is not a reflection on you.
When our companions act out or treat us poorly in public, when our friends or partners are rude or ill-behaved in any way, it’s easy to think that others are judging us along with our partner for whatever he or she has done, particularly if we have been guilty of this form of judgment ourselves. I don’t thing we instinctively know that another person’s behaviour reflects solely on them, never on us. If others do judge us for someone else’s behaviour, it’s generally because they are enmeshed in the actions of others themselves.
Having good boundaries with the people on our journey requires daily attention. Because we know others are sharing our journey for the lessons we are both here to learn. It’s easy to slip over the line that actually separates what any one of us individually needs to master. We aren’t separate from one another in the spiritual sense, but that’s another matter. Let’s not confuse the two. When we do, others’ actions and choices get in the way of our peace of mind. And neither of us can find the joy that has been promised us.
Defining our boundaries with others serves both of us. It assures us that we will never get entrapped in emotions that belong to someone else.
AUG 27 Detachment is not making a big deal of situations, even complicated ones.
When I was whining for the umpteenth time about a situation over which I had no control, a good friend said, “So what?” I was initially startled, miffed, and even slightly hurt, but soon realized that she had done me a great service. I was creating a drama over a very minor, though often repeated, situation. And the reality is, we don’t need to dramatize even major situations. When we allow God into the mix of the resolution, calm can prevail. As I have matured, calm has become far more attractive to me.
Knowing that “I can feel peace instead of this” has been a lifesaving mantra. The only problem is that I have to remember to use it. Periodically I slide into old behavior and let what’s happening around me influence how I am feeling. When my emotions get triggered by what I am seeing others do or hearing what others are saying, I have given up my own life for the moment. Their actions or words may not make me angry, but they can create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my own reality, and I’m far better for it.
Creating my own reality is an excellent undertaking every moment of the day. Unless I am in the flow of detaching from others, my reality will be clouded by their behavior.
AUG 28 Detachment empowers us.
The gift of empowerment comes every time we let someone else decide his or her fate. Even the tiny decision someone might be struggling with doesn’t need our input unless asked for. This is not an easy realization to come to grips with. So much of our persona may well be tied to having our friends or family members mirror our choices. And yet, when we lay that expectation on them or simply hold that expectation quietly within, we will experience chaos. No one wants to be controlled. Even when we are subtle about it, it’s recognized and resisted.
You may be wondering what empowerment feels like if this is a new concept to you. It’s probably best understood in terms of synonyms. It’s freedom. It’s peace of mind. It’s not feeling absorbed by the antics of others. It’s clarity of thinking. It’s a feeling of lightness throughout the body. It’s having the time to be joyful and unencumbered. It’s having the sense that God is close. Detachment is truly a gift of great proportions. Nothing can be well attended to when our emotions are attached to the actions of others.
Today I will become willing to let God, not my companions, be the center of my life.
AUG 29 Detachment frees us from overreaction.
Overreacting to the myriad situations in my life whether bona fide major ones or extremely minor incidents, was once standard practice. Maybe you can relate. It made little difference what my spouse or a friend or co-worker did; I was capable of taking their actions or words quite personally and then acting in ways that were seldom fitting for the situation. The idea of considering how I wanted to respond and then actually responding in a sane way had never occurred to me. For decades I had watched my family of origin react to whatever happened, and I was a great imitator.
Learning that there is another way to see, to interpret, to respond is like being given a second chance at life. We are on this path with others because of what we each have to learn. We are journeying together. Intentionally. We are not making the journey for each other or as each other. Doing for others what they need to do for themselves prevents the learning that needs to occur, both ours and theirs. Stepping aside and watching others handle that which is theirs to handle, and not letting what they do determine how we feel, is the “real stuff” of this journey. Discovering this makes every minute pretty exciting.
Making the decision to thoroughly enjoy this or any other day is pretty simple. It relies on our willingness to not let the actions of others take over our minds. We are in charge of what we think, what we way, what we do. Grabbing hold of his principle will change everything.
AUG 30 Detachment may mean doing nothing.
Do nothing! What a concept! With what frequency does your mind savor the idea of doing nothing when a partner or friend pushes your buttons? Probably not very often, unless you have already acquired some understanding of the pitfalls of being too attached to the whims, the behavior, or the attitudes and opinions of others. Simply walking away when our ego really wants to scream in retaliation is not easy. In fact, it may feel nearly impossible. But it can be done. I know; I have learned to do it.
Not responding………in other words, detaching…………doesn’t mean we don’t care what the other person is doing or saying to’ or ‘about’ us. We may care a great deal. But we have to ask ourselves, Will it help this situation for me to say something? If it honestly will, try to speak lovingly; but in most instances, letting the moment pass will be more fruitful. Adding fuel to the embers of an incident will cause it to erupt into flames that can easily get out of control. We have all been there. We don’t ever have to go there again.
Making the choice to do nothing when we feel like someone is trying to egg us on is a hugely important decision. The empowerment we will feel is so worth the effort it takes to simply let the moment pass.
AUG 31 Detachment may be remaining quiet.
The urge to respond verbally, and generally not too kindly, to a perceived attack, an imagined affront, or an unmistakable put-down is overwhelming sometimes. Although giving in to the urge is not the end of the world, it will not help the situation. In most instances, the solution to a situation that borders on ugly is to bless it and let it go. Those who attack us in any form are full of fear. It may be fear of lack of control, fear of not getting what they deserve, fear of rejection, or fear of looking insignificant that makes them do and say what injures others. But certainly fear is at the root.
Saying to ourselves in those situations that no harm is meant will defuse the emotions that might be running through our mind at that time. Responding from an angry place, whether seemingly justified or not, will not make for a productive resolution. The only sensible response to a fearful outburst from someone else is an expression of love, either verbally spoken or quietly embraced in the mind. Countering fear with a fearful expression, which is what all anger engenders, will not result in a peaceful moment in the life of anyone. Giving peace a chance by remaining quiet is a gift to all of us.
Being quiet in the face of a potential disagreement is actually quite rewarding because of the relief it offers. We don’t have to engage in any negative dispute. We don’t have to engage in any conversation of any kind, in fact. Let’s consider standing aside today.
