December 1 Action should culminate in wisdom.
If anything, we of the Western world are a people of action. We are frantic to be doing, whether or not we quite understand the game plan or our role in it. Just watch us kick up the dust!
This same “Do it Now and Evaluate It Later” attitude can mock our best efforts to raise self-esteem. Without understanding the goal, we may well plunge with reckless abandon into an exhausting program of action. Walking, reading, dieting, going to meetings and speaking up may all be part of such a program.
Wisdom may dictate moderation, however. The results of past frantic action may often have been disappointing. Perhaps this time we should accept that less can be more, that motion and forward movement aren’t the same thing, that peaceful self-acceptance is the goal-not a self-improvement list with a hundred items on it.
Most of my progress does require action. But action not guided by wisdom can be wearing and wasteful.
December 2 I mustn’t go on singling out names. One must not be a name-dropper, as Her Majesty remarked to me yesterday.
Nobody wants to be a nobody. That’s why we sometimes teeter around on the slender stilts of pretense. We want to rise up from the crowd and look like more than we are. Because we haven’t yet learned to admire our real selves, we try to trick the rest of the world into admiring the selves we pretend to be.
One tactic we use to hike up our social status is to seek approval by association. Perhaps we don’t name-drop as obviously as the man quoted above, but we all have our methods—especially if we’re feeling insecure—if telling others that they’re not dealing with just anybody. Perhaps we say we heard something “at the club.” Perhaps we affect the language and dress of a group that excludes us. Maybe we even lie about where we live or went to school.
Borrowing status may lend us short-term security and get us by in a pinch. But if we want to get in touch with our true selves, we’re going to have to learn to walk out in the world on our own two feet and leave the stilts behind. Until we stop implying that we’re “with them,” we devalue our personal worth.
As my self-acceptance grows, my need for pretense diminishes.
December 3 Rule Number 1 is don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule Number 2 is it’s all small stuff.
“How important is it?” is one of the slogans used by people in the Twelve Step programs. The suggestion is that newcomers to the program ask this simple question to catch themselves before going off in a tizzy about something that doesn’t matter that much. Like all the slogans, this one is a tool to make a quick correction before a small problem becomes a big one.
Until we learn to discipline our priorities, every item on a long list of things to do or think about can somehow move up to number one or two. Especially when we’re in turmoil, we forget the simple fact that we can only do one thing at a time! And all tasks, of course, don’t have anything like equal importance. Picking up the dry cleaning, for example, hardly ranks up there with showing up for a long-postponed doctor’s appointment. Yet in the habitual haste and hurry that marks modern life, many of us don’t stop to reevaluate our tasks in the light of our goals.
Far and away the majority of our daily activities fall into the “small stuff” category. Much self-esteem is gained by recognizing that and by learning to make wiser, more efficient use of our time and energy.
It’s a good idea for me to take a daily “think break” to reassess priorities.
December 4 Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.
People who become involved in any of the self-help movements can become mighty glib. Especially today when there is such an abundance of books, speakers, seminars, and courses, each sporting its own jargon and pet phrases. Slogans come easy.
Without even realizing it, we can become quite good at pasting these pet phrases on others’ motives with labels, or substituting some little nugget of packaged truth for a hard-won insight of our own. How satisfying finally to have some smooth, pat answers to questions that bedeviled us!
But slogans and jargon are nothing more than streetlights shining in the darkness. Each casts only an isolated cone of light, creating a little island of knowledge. Our task is not to cling to the streetlights, but to keep trudging off into the darkness.
Insight isn’t change and words are not behavior. The goal of our self-help programs is not to make us smug and superficial. The goal is to motivate life-changing behavior. To do that we have to move beyond the labels, stop talking the talk and start walking the walk.
My actions speak louder than my words.
December 5 Cursed be the social lies that warp us from the living truth. Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Our status-hinged society places well-educated professionals high above the rest of us. If people are doctors or lawyers or professors, they are automatically honored and respected for the prestige of their position. But as human beings, highly placed people—even presidents and kings—are not one bit better than anyone else.
The story is told of a famous physician who telephoned AA in a moment of alcoholic despair. The AA member who was sent to make the call found the intoxicated doctor in a pitiable but belligerent state. “What kind of work do you do?” he slurred. “I’m a housepainter,” answered the visitor. “I can’t believe they sent a workingman!” the doctor shouted. “Don’t you know the difference between you and me?” “Yes,” the AA member replied, “You’re a drunk doctor and I’m a sober painter.”
All human beings are subject to defeat and despair. Behind titles, people are just people—brave and afraid, lazy and vigorous, compassionate and indifferent. Much of the distance we perceive between ourselves and others is just social smoke.
Society’s way of ranking people doesn’t have to be mine.
December 6 Any work looks wonderful to me except that which I can do. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Much of self-esteem is based on a positive regard for what we can do. Not what somebody else can do, not what our idealized selves may do some distant day in the future, but what we can do and are doing right now.
False modesty and “politeness” have conditioned many of us to make little of our skills, abilities, or contributions. Heaven forbid that anyone think we were showing off! Yet modesty is carried too far when we so quickly and automatically dismiss praise that the value of our work doesn’t register with us! Raving about other people is fine and generous, but discounting ourselves can become a self-defeating habit.
You alone are you. Your comments in group are not like any others. A letter from you will mean something that nobody else’s letter could. Your insights, your frame of reference, the particular experiences you’ve had—are all unique to you. If you don’t share what you alone have to share, then that special something will never be shared. Modesty isn’t becoming or healthy or appropriate if it convinces us that much is little.
Avoiding grandiosity doesn’t mean denying my own gifts.
December 7 Everything that has been gained can be lost.
Whether we’re thinking of a fortune in stocks and bonds or the gold of self-esteem, the above quote makes us feel nervous and insecure. Even though it is no doubt true, the possibility of loss seems terribly negative. But there is more to it than that. Implicit in this note of caution is the very real caution that to slack off on the daily disciplines that create growth is to run the risk of relapse. As sure as “pride goeth before a fall,” so does carelessness in sticking to the course precede the possible slipping back to what was.
If daily reading has been helpful in turning the lights on an otherwise dark situation, then we’d better keep reading. If affirmations have gotten us moving down the right road, why would we stop doing them? If meeting with sponsors and going to group have been the handholds pulling us up and out of some despairing pit or other, let us beware of becoming lackadaisical in keeping up these contacts.
The programs we have set up for ourselves work if we work. Lest the night return, let us be very careful to tend the fire.
It’s simply common sense to protect what I value.
December 8 Part with self-conceit. For it is impossible for anyone to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.
In World War II, the Germans boasted that their panzers would easily rout the Russians. They knew that their tanks, built to perfection and tight specifications, were better engineered than the much more loosely constructed Russian tanks. In the Russians winter, however, the tightness of the German tanks became a disadvantage as the oil froze. The greater tolerance of the Russian tanks allowed far more flexibility and function under subzero conditions. And so the Germans were routed time after time.
Sometimes we make the same kind of mistake when we compare ourselves and our abilities with others. We may assume that we are far more able, far more advanced, than they are. If we have an unbroken record of accomplishment, we may find it hard to imagine that, in some areas, we may be clumsy and slow while others are competent and quick.
There is a mighty lesson in the tank story. What works for us in one situation may very well work against us in another. The superaggressive, “Get it done now” may grind to a halt in the inside world. Conceit and self-esteem are not the same. We may have to walk a little more slowly, a little more humbly, when we’re dealing with frozen areas in the human heart.
Whatever makes me smug also makes me vulnerable.
December 9 When we do what works, why are we so surprised that it works?
Locking horns with low self-esteem can be a fierce, exhausting contest. Only the value of the prize makes it worth the continuing effort required. Yet it is a common experience for people in the midst of the fray to be surprised when consistent, committed effort actually gains ground. But why should it not?
If we do our affirmations regularly, even when we don’t feel like it, we will learn to think healthier thoughts. Day by disciplined day, the positive will force out the negative. If we consistently act in a confident, loving manner, we will come to expect such actions from ourselves. By repetition, these new behaviors feel natural. If we persistently refrain from thought patterns that erode our self-image, these mental chains will be broken, link by link.
We who are so accustomed to failure are often amazed and even shocked by success. Yet what is so unusual about a fair day’s pay for a hard day’s work? We deserve success.
I’m not only making progress, but I’m becoming more aware of it.
December 10 We are more than what we have.
Preachers and teachers have forever advised us that we are more than what we own. Being is not the same as having. This precious piece of wisdom almost always is associated with the possession of material things. And rightly so.
But we have more than things to distract us. We also have feelings. And the same thought is true here—we are more than the feelings we have. We are not our feelings anymore than we are our possessions. Feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness, insecurity, and alienation—and a raft of others—often seem to define us. In our interpretation of those feelings, we must realize that just because we feel a certain way doesn’t mean we are that way. To lose this distinction is to lose our way on the road to self-realization.
Much of what we feel about ourselves has been learned. Shame-based people may have been told that they were unworthy for such a long time that the feeling wrapped around that tragic message became the truth. But the real truth is that we have choices about how we feel. Our feelings can be, and often need to be, challenged. Perhaps we can’t change our feelings as easily as we change a pair of shoes, but they can be changed if we decide they don’t fit anymore.
My feelings are a part of me—not all of me.
December 11 Judgment comes from experience and great judgment come from bad experience.
Low self-esteem plays out like a movie made up, frame by frame and scene by scene, of all our misjudgments and misdeeds. It’s our own horror story. The plot never changes, so we come to know it well: Life is just one bad experience after another, and we shouldn’t expect anything else.
How we shortchange ourselves when we pay so much attention to the cost and so little to the wisdom we have purchased! Surely it’s just as realistic to think of our mistakes as lessons rather than permanent black marks on our record. If our bad experiences taught us something we didn’t know before, are they wholly bad? The fact is that failure is a better teacher than success.
Of course, it’s sad when relationships crumble, time is wasted, money is lost. But for all the anguish of these bad experiences, didn’t they give us some clues as to how to avoid the same pitfalls in the future? If we learned, we didn’t lose everything. We’re not wiped out or doomed to live out the future as we have lived out the past. We need to think of our “movie” as a training film, not a horror story.
Good judgment is built, brick by brick, from painful lessons learned.
December 12 A man consists of the faith that is in him. Whatever his faith is.
Most of us find great security in guarantees. If “it” doesn’t work—whatever it is-we want to know we can get our money back. In some areas of our lives, this demand for assurance not only works but is just plain common sense. But in many areas there are no guarantees.
Maintaining or building a healthy self-esteem, for example, is largely a proposition of faith. Of course, we’d like to be promised that if we do this difficult thing—like talking straight in a relationship, standing up for our rights, or going back to school for career enhancement—the results will be there immediately. We want to be assured that our efforts at reeducation by way of new readings or listening to speakers will make a real difference soon. We want a warranty such as we would get on a car or refrigerator. We want to know, not hope, that our self-improvement programs will perform as advertised.
But there are no guarantees. We are all different. We grow at our own pace. Spiritual experiences of break-through happen at different times for different people. Often it is faith alone that keeps beckoning us on into new waters. To keep on going, we have to keep on believing.
Self-trust is self-granted.
December 13 A definition encloses the wilderness of an idea within a wall of words.
Of all the specialized rhetoric surrounding recovery, the term dysfunctional family seems most in danger of losing its original meaning and thus its value and validity. First used to define families in which there was incest, child beating, or criminal neglect, the term is now used as a catchall description for nearly all families. Some experts claim that 90 percent of families are seriously dysfunctional in one way or another.
But like all buzzwords that kick up a lot of interest, the dysfunctional family label becomes inaccurate and misleading when it’s too widely applied to too many different situations. A child who was regularly whipped or molested carries a much more grievous burden than a child whose Dad wouldn’t go to ball games or a Mom who wouldn’t carpool. We need to be careful about claiming and blaming root causes that scarcely exist.
All families are flawed because all people are flawed. All of us came from, and most us of are, incomplete and inexpert parents. Considering the difficulties, most families deserve credit for simply hanging together as bravely and hopefully as they can. We best promote our growth when we stop short of indicting our families and instead look back only for information and insight.
I am responsible for what I make of my life.
December 14 Follow your bliss.
Fortunate are those who have a clear vision of what is important to them and how they wish to live their lives. So many of us flounder like rudderless ships, steered only by the vagaries of chance. But we can’t get there unless we know where “there” is.
Years ago, during the Depression, a young man was hitchhiking around the country. He struck up a conversation with an older man who had offered him a ride. The older man asked him what his goal in life was. The young man replied that his greatest desire was to be a millionaire. “Oh, no it isn’t,” said the older man. “If that were true, you would not be wasting your time right now floating around the country. You would be hard at work trying to make your dream come true.” And, of course, he was right.
Over time, we become what we do. If we want our dreams to come true, we need to give them muscle. We need to know ourselves, to set goals, and then to put all our effort into achieving what we have set out to accomplish, Just wishing won’t do it.
I have the determination to achieve my goals.
December 15 To the mean all becomes mean.
It’s an embarrassing truth that what we clearly recognize as good in other people can make us feel bad and behave even worse. When we’re struck by someone’s youthful beauty, we may quickly remark on their experience and naïveté. If we see someone showing a kindness that wouldn’t have occurred to us, we may neutralize our admiration—and thus our grudging envy—by calling that person a “soft touch” or a “bleeding heart.” Somehow it’s hard for us to simply give credit where credit is due.
Insecurity is the problem. When other people’s good qualities alarm us into petty mean-mindedness, it’s a sure sign that we’re on the defensive. For some reason we feel threatened or diminished when we become aware of strength or character or beauty that is greater than our own. As if those other people don’t have shortcomings to go along with their gifts! As if we have anything to lose by acknowledging that all beauty and goodness doesn’t begin and end with us! What an absurd and indefensible position that is!
If we’re so insistent on finding flaws in the beautiful, let us begin with ourselves. Integrity and pettiness don’t go together.
As I feel better about myself, I feel better about other people.
December 16 Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
Some decisions made by bosses, bureaucrats, other powerful higher-ups can wreak havoc on our personal lives. As carefully as we planned, some things we counted on just aren’t going to be. And some things we thought would never happen are laid squarely in our laps. Perhaps a freeway is going to come through our neighborhood; the house we were going to retire in will have to be torn down. Or perhaps the company we work for is being relocated and we weren’t invited to come along.
When such things happen,, we feel betrayed and devalued. Our self-esteem takes a nosedive along with our plans. In our resentment and fear, we may turn on the “culprits” with a personal vengeance that hurts us a lot more than it can ever hurt them.
After we reflect on it a while, we can usually see that these decisions were not really against us, but for the decision makers. Their actions were taken to protect or advance themselves. As distasteful as this realization may be, it does us far less damage than taking impersonal events personally. We can’t do anything about the fact that power structures can be greedy and insensitive. But we needn’t let a decision made by people we don’t know, perhaps thousands of miles away, have access to our self-esteem.
My value as a person is separate, distinct, and independent of impersonal events.
December 17 Do not put your faith in what statistics say until you have carefully considered what they do not say.
Way back in kindergarten we started learning to sort out same from different. When we could separate the red buttons from the blue, the short sticks from the long, we got a pat on the head. Categorizing is a thinking skill that helps us organize facts so we can deal with them better. If we couldn’t sort things out, our world would be an unmanageable mess.
But human beings are neither facts nor things. When we categorize ourselves or other people, we deceive ourselves. Such categorization dehumanizes and makes self-esteem impossible. People are too complex to fit into our pigeon holes. Labels like unemployed and welfare recipient, for example, only mean what they mean. They tell us only a little piece of an individual’s rich story. Such labels describe, but they do not define. They turn people into statistics.
In our pursuit of right thinking, we begin to see that other people, just like ourselves, are not nearly so neatly classifiable as we thought they were. In discovering our own rich mix of pluses and minuses, we realize that tidying up people into neat compartments has been a way of discounting them. Instead of categorizing to think better, we have categorized to slap down a label so we don’t have to think at all.
I can only be as appreciative of myself as I am of other people.
December 18 Jealousy: that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.
Adolescent girls are flattered and thrilled when their adolescent boyfriends get jealous. Sometimes they even deliberately try to provoke jealousy-“to see if he really loves me.” But jealousy is not and never was a sign of love; it’s a sign of immature insecurity.
Now that we’ve grown up, we need to get our facts straight about what does and does not signify a loving relationship. As adults, both men and women may confuse possessiveness with love. But in truth no one can “belong” to anyone else. Chronic suspiciousness is a character flaw, not a compliment. Obsession with someone else’s coming and goings is a poor substitute for devotion. And accusing your blameless partner of having an affair says more about you than it does about your partner.
If we are the jealous ones, we need to get help with the fear of loss that generates those feelings. If we are the ones who feel reassured and validated that our mates “care enough to be jealous,” we need to work on growing up.
Love promotes the freedom of the other; jealousy limits freedom.
December 19 If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
Contradictory forces often pull us up and push us down at the same time. Who needs enemies when we’ve got ourselves! While one hand is busy building self-esteem, the other may be just as busily slapping down those efforts.
This can happen when we try to enrich our lives by taking up a new interest or hobby. Suppose we join a bowling team or enroll in a ceramics class. The first time we go we feel enthusiastic and excited-this is going to be fun! We congratulate ourselves for making the effort and wonder why we waited so long. The second or third time, though, we start to notice how far we have to go to get really good at what we’re doing. Compared to us, the others seem so skillful! Then we suddenly remember that our favorite TV show is on that same night, so we stop showing up and let our new interest fizzle.
It isn’t easy to let go enough to have fun for fun’s sake. Strange as it may seem, many duty-driven adults have to retrain themselves, patiently but persistently, just as they might retrain some lost faculty after a brain injury. But the payoff is marvelous; reclaiming fun is as close as we can get to reclaiming childhood.
The ability to have fun is not a luxury.
December 20 Knowledge is the process of piling up facts. Wisdom lies in their simplification.
A new product on the market is described as “so advanced, it’s simple.” What an interesting point to make-and how wise! At the core of many complex things is a simple thought, a single idea that is altogether clear and understandable. Self-esteem is a case in point. In spite of all the complicated analysis of causes and cures, it all comes down to learning to like ourselves. Simple!
Not surprisingly, we like ourselves when we behave in likable ways; we respect ourselves when our behavior is respectable; we honor our own honorable deeds. There’s nothing confusing or complicated about it. Nor is there anything mysterious about feeling bad when we behave badly or feeling abused when we walk in the company of abusers.
We learn to like ourselves when we do the things that boost our integrity and refrain from doing what damages it. The truth couldn’t be plainer and neither could the implication. Any action we take, no matter how small, either adds to or diminishes our treasure. If we forget everything else we know about self-esteem, let us not forget that.
I make more progress when I keep it simple.
December 21 This is a world of compensation. Abraham Lincoln
Some of us decide early in life that the only way we’ll ever get to the winner’s circle is by riding on someone else’s shoulders. Others of us only give up on ourselves after years of setbacks and disappointments. But in either case there comes the point, usually on a deep, subconscious level, where we turn to someone else to do it for us. If we can’t have personal glory, we decide we’ll go for the reflected kind. That’s when the status of other people-our parents, our spouses, even our children-becomes more important to us than our own.
It isn’t at all unusual to see “stage parents” abandon or slight their own affairs on behalf of Johnny’s future in sports or Jennifer’s dancing prospects. Or to see a grown man define himself in terms of his more successful father. Or a wife hide out in her husband’s shadow. But putting all our hopes and dreams in someone else’s hands only does further damage to our self-esteem, of course. Not only does it put an unfair burden on the people we’re expecting to carry us, but any rewards we get for doing that will always be secondhand.
Using a relationship to make us look good usually makes us feel bad. Beyond carrying in bags of groceries, we don’t have the right to use our children at all. Nor are we being mature, responsible adults when we hang onto the coattails of our parents or spouses. Our self-esteem will always be a matter of standing in our own spotlight.
No one can achieve my potential for me. I am capable of doing that myself.
December 22 Watch how a man takes praise and there you have the measure of him.
Criticism is hard to take, but accepting compliments gracefully isn’t easy either. In fact, most of us find it takes a good deal of poise and practice. We seem to feel that we are lacking in modesty unless we quickly disclaim the praise.
We must not rob ourselves of the support our egos need by thinking we must be falsely humble. How many times have we seen people respond to a compliment by making disparaging remarks about themselves? Such self-effacing behavior takes much of the joy out of well-earned praise.
In those dark days when the fog of failure is especially thick, remembered compliments bolster our ego and help us count our blessings. A simple and gracious “thank you” is all that need be said when someone is kind enough to give us a verbal pat on the back. True humility accepts both kinds of truths about ourselves-both the flattering and the unflattering.
I can accept compliments with graceful appreciation.
December 23 Denial is the act of pulling down the shades in the search for light.
Many varied elements come to play in our decision making. Reason, emotion, spirit, experience, fear, and love all have something valid to contribute. The best decision always comes from collaboration.
As with the deliberations of government, personal deliberations can only be based on the data available. If any element is left out, a truth is withheld, and the validity of the decision is diminished, if not destroyed. To deny any part of ourselves a voice is to hear only part of the story, and thus to blanket the whole truth.
Self-esteem is enhanced by sound decision making. We cannot be other than the result of our own deliberations, especially on issues that concern ourselves. Yet it is quite possible, even within the confines of our own person, to silence valid input, to keep secrets. And self-esteem is always the victim.
I usually have my own answers if I take the time to listen.
December 24 A rich child often sits in a poor mother’s lap. Danish Proverb
In the self-esteem department, many parents rise or fall according to how they provide for their children. If Mom and Dad give their kids “the things they never had,” whether it be tap-dancing lessons, fancy clothes, or expensive bikes, they feel good about themselves. If they come up short, they lose stature in their own eyes. Perhaps our parents felt diminished by what they couldn’t give us.
Yet many of the advantages that parents lavish on their children may not be advantages at all. Living as we do in a grossly materialistic society, parents may get confused about what children really need. The truth is that it’s not designer tennis shoes or elaborate parties-no matter how loudly kids wail that “everybody else” has twice as many. Upon reflection, we know in our hearts that the best gifts we have to give are time, attention, interest, and love.
Self-esteem must not hinge on whether or not parents have a Santa Claus suit. Kids may think they want it, but “happiness by acquisition“ only sets up a life-time of wanting. Beyond shelter, food, and health care, money can’t buy what kids really need-someone to listen to them, share with them, and respect their struggles. If they have that, they are truly blessed. And so are their parents.
Children learn to honor the values their parents honor.
December 25 It’s Christmas Day! Thank God I haven’t missed it! Charles Dickens
As we grow older, it’s entirely possible to lose a lot more than the dimples in our knees and elbows. Through busyness, laziness, or just inattention, we can actually forget how to have fun. Whole summers go by without a single picnic, a swim, or a ball game. Birthdays become nothing more than restaurant dinners. What a far cry from our youth when looking forward to a good time and then wringing every drop of pleasure out of it was what we knew best!
Christmas is one of the occasions that many of us forget how to celebrate. “Christmas is too commercial,” we say as an excuse for our crankiness. “Christmas is for children.” Yet for all the greed and phoniness that surround the holidays, there is also much that is lovely and inviting of spiritual growth. The warmth on so many faces, the increased sense of caring and giving, the gathering of families, the beauty of the music-all are invitations to turn away from worry and lift up our hearts.
We don’t have to become like Scrooge just because we’re not children anymore. The wonder of Christmas is available to all comers. Let us not miss it.
Deepening my capacity for enjoyment deepens my self-esteem.
December 26 Parents have rights, too.
No one would argue the point that children need all the love they can get. Child abuse, in its many forms, is among the world’s greatest crimes. All parents know that raising children requires sacrifice, and often it is necessary to put the children’s needs first. True, true, true.
But it is also true that when parents sublimate their needs and wishes so totally under the demands of parenthood that they themselves nearly disappear, they can find themselves in trouble. Any sacrifice of integrity always translates into a loss of self-esteem. Granted that kids have rights, but it is also true that parents have rights.
Positive self-esteem requires individuals-children included-to accept that, though they are important indeed, they are not the center of the universe. To be parents who serve the needs of their children to such an extent that they deny their basic right to same living is to do their children a disservice. Such parents foolishly sacrifice their own self-esteem, and also give their children an unrealistic model of healthy adult behavior.
I can only be a successful parent if I have a strong identity of my own.
December 27 Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.
Jealousy is the mortal enemy of self-esteem and, obviously, our esteem of anyone else. Born of fear, jealousy is never about what “they” have or are, but always about us. People who are often jealous are people who habitually make comparisons-and always come out on the short end of the deal.
The antidote to jealousy is to become convinced that we are just fine the way we are. It is to know that whatever we have-more than some, less than others-means next to nothing in the final accounting. After all, if we are on good terms with ourselves, how much difference can it make if we add more things to our catalog of possessions? It’s nice but not necessary. On the other hand, if we aren’t convinced of our own substance, even boatloads of new things will never be enough. And the losing comparisons between ourselves and others will never end.
Jealousy makes it impossible to have friends, and because friendship is essential in self-esteem building, the two cannot coexist. We can’t be much of a friend if our friend’s happiness or success is threatening to us. Who wants a friend like that? When I am okay with me, I can only celebrate whatever good befalls those around me. If I am not-all the world is a threat.
I sincerely wish all success and happiness for my friends.
December 28 If we wanted to be happy it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.
How am I doing? We automatically ask ourselves that question many times a day. Always, of course, in relation to other people. How else could we make a judgment? Am I smarter? Younger? More successful? Richer? Better looking? And how about them? Are they more self-confident than I am? Luckier? Happier?
Yet the only way we can draw a conclusion is to imagine that we know about “them.” Usually, we do not. Oftentimes we tend to overrate and exaggerate the quality of other people’s lives. Because we’re keenly aware of our own inadequacies, we may accord “them” most of the advantages we think we lack. (No doubt it would bowl them over to realize how happy they didn’t know they were!)
What a relief it is when we arrive at the state where our self-esteem depends not at all on “them”-either what they think of us or what we think of them. Sure, the comparison questions are intriguing and fun to wonder about. Just as long as the answers don’t count for anything but idle entertainment.
Comparing my insides with other people’s outsides makes for some wrong conclusions.
December 29 What is this self inside us, this silent observer, severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us?
Shame is a powerful barrier to positive self-esteem. However undeserved, it is shame that constantly scolds that we are not doing enough or well enough. It is shame that says we are not as far along as we should be. And when our hearts and souls are harassed by shame, we find it difficult to make any progress on the spiritual walk that building self-esteem is. Or at least we have a hard time recognizing that we are making any progress.
This negative inner talk is all subjective, of course. That’s why it helps to set absolute, objective measuring points against which we can measure success. There is no arguing with objective goals; they’re either met or they’re not met. Are we having more positive days than before? Have we given our significant other more hugs, of both the verbal and physical kind? Are we in fact trying new things? Have we in fact resisted some compulsion or said that work we found so hard to say? If so, we are on our way.
All of these and dozens of similar behaviors are objective measuring points against which progress can be verified. Acknowledging progress points not only feels good but it’s good for us. In the face of documented success, shame tends to back off.
Undeserved shame flies from the light of objectivity.
December 30 I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.
Sometimes we feel let down and somehow sad as the year draws to a close. Partly, we may simply have let ourselves get too tired with all the hustle and bustle of the holidays. And partly, we may be feeling some regret about the wonderful progress, the amazing turn-around, that we didn’t make this past year. Perhaps we had promised ourselves that we would be much slimmer, healthier, wealthier, or happier by now. Last January, when we made all those brave new resolutions, we felt so strong, so dedicated, so undefeatable!
But the clock and the calendar aren’t the only ways to tell time. They’re not even the best way-especially in these days of slush, bare trees, and little sunshine. Even if we’re tired, we’re still alive and kicking, aren’t we? Even if we’re disappointed in our rate of progress, we still believe in progress, don’t we? The fact is that we’re demonstrating our continuous commitment to growth simply by reading this meditation.
As long as we keep moving forward, we are getting ahead. If we’ve kept our heads high and our feet in motion, we’re still in the race. We needn’t worry about our pace as long as we’re headed in the right direction.
These days may be dark and gloomy, but my prospects are still bright.
December 31 Easy does it. Twelve Step Program Slogan
For everyone of us who can’t get down to business, there is another who is too dutiful. We are the hard-at-it souls who make such grinding, intense work of improving our self-esteem that we miss the point of the whole effort. Which is to live happier, more joyous lives. We can’t do that and work double shifts, too.
In a sense, positive self-esteem is like a beautiful butterfly. If we don’t try to grab it, it often comes softly to our shoulder. Of course, self-esteem building does require effort, but we can focus so fiercely on this task that we’re too tired and tense to enjoy the benefits.
Self-esteem is for the sake of laughing more, of relaxing more, of taking more time off. We know we’re esteeming ourselves more when we’re gradually making progress in those areas that are important, like communicating with the people we care about. Self-esteem is about creating and enjoying beauty wherever we can. That doesn’t happen after the work gets done-it is the work. Self-esteem is a process, not a payoff. We get to enjoy it while we’re earning it.
Relax. There is such a thing as trying too hard.
If anything, we of the Western world are a people of action. We are frantic to be doing, whether or not we quite understand the game plan or our role in it. Just watch us kick up the dust!
This same “Do it Now and Evaluate It Later” attitude can mock our best efforts to raise self-esteem. Without understanding the goal, we may well plunge with reckless abandon into an exhausting program of action. Walking, reading, dieting, going to meetings and speaking up may all be part of such a program.
Wisdom may dictate moderation, however. The results of past frantic action may often have been disappointing. Perhaps this time we should accept that less can be more, that motion and forward movement aren’t the same thing, that peaceful self-acceptance is the goal-not a self-improvement list with a hundred items on it.
Most of my progress does require action. But action not guided by wisdom can be wearing and wasteful.
December 2 I mustn’t go on singling out names. One must not be a name-dropper, as Her Majesty remarked to me yesterday.
Nobody wants to be a nobody. That’s why we sometimes teeter around on the slender stilts of pretense. We want to rise up from the crowd and look like more than we are. Because we haven’t yet learned to admire our real selves, we try to trick the rest of the world into admiring the selves we pretend to be.
One tactic we use to hike up our social status is to seek approval by association. Perhaps we don’t name-drop as obviously as the man quoted above, but we all have our methods—especially if we’re feeling insecure—if telling others that they’re not dealing with just anybody. Perhaps we say we heard something “at the club.” Perhaps we affect the language and dress of a group that excludes us. Maybe we even lie about where we live or went to school.
Borrowing status may lend us short-term security and get us by in a pinch. But if we want to get in touch with our true selves, we’re going to have to learn to walk out in the world on our own two feet and leave the stilts behind. Until we stop implying that we’re “with them,” we devalue our personal worth.
As my self-acceptance grows, my need for pretense diminishes.
December 3 Rule Number 1 is don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule Number 2 is it’s all small stuff.
“How important is it?” is one of the slogans used by people in the Twelve Step programs. The suggestion is that newcomers to the program ask this simple question to catch themselves before going off in a tizzy about something that doesn’t matter that much. Like all the slogans, this one is a tool to make a quick correction before a small problem becomes a big one.
Until we learn to discipline our priorities, every item on a long list of things to do or think about can somehow move up to number one or two. Especially when we’re in turmoil, we forget the simple fact that we can only do one thing at a time! And all tasks, of course, don’t have anything like equal importance. Picking up the dry cleaning, for example, hardly ranks up there with showing up for a long-postponed doctor’s appointment. Yet in the habitual haste and hurry that marks modern life, many of us don’t stop to reevaluate our tasks in the light of our goals.
Far and away the majority of our daily activities fall into the “small stuff” category. Much self-esteem is gained by recognizing that and by learning to make wiser, more efficient use of our time and energy.
It’s a good idea for me to take a daily “think break” to reassess priorities.
December 4 Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.
People who become involved in any of the self-help movements can become mighty glib. Especially today when there is such an abundance of books, speakers, seminars, and courses, each sporting its own jargon and pet phrases. Slogans come easy.
Without even realizing it, we can become quite good at pasting these pet phrases on others’ motives with labels, or substituting some little nugget of packaged truth for a hard-won insight of our own. How satisfying finally to have some smooth, pat answers to questions that bedeviled us!
But slogans and jargon are nothing more than streetlights shining in the darkness. Each casts only an isolated cone of light, creating a little island of knowledge. Our task is not to cling to the streetlights, but to keep trudging off into the darkness.
Insight isn’t change and words are not behavior. The goal of our self-help programs is not to make us smug and superficial. The goal is to motivate life-changing behavior. To do that we have to move beyond the labels, stop talking the talk and start walking the walk.
My actions speak louder than my words.
December 5 Cursed be the social lies that warp us from the living truth. Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Our status-hinged society places well-educated professionals high above the rest of us. If people are doctors or lawyers or professors, they are automatically honored and respected for the prestige of their position. But as human beings, highly placed people—even presidents and kings—are not one bit better than anyone else.
The story is told of a famous physician who telephoned AA in a moment of alcoholic despair. The AA member who was sent to make the call found the intoxicated doctor in a pitiable but belligerent state. “What kind of work do you do?” he slurred. “I’m a housepainter,” answered the visitor. “I can’t believe they sent a workingman!” the doctor shouted. “Don’t you know the difference between you and me?” “Yes,” the AA member replied, “You’re a drunk doctor and I’m a sober painter.”
All human beings are subject to defeat and despair. Behind titles, people are just people—brave and afraid, lazy and vigorous, compassionate and indifferent. Much of the distance we perceive between ourselves and others is just social smoke.
Society’s way of ranking people doesn’t have to be mine.
December 6 Any work looks wonderful to me except that which I can do. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Much of self-esteem is based on a positive regard for what we can do. Not what somebody else can do, not what our idealized selves may do some distant day in the future, but what we can do and are doing right now.
False modesty and “politeness” have conditioned many of us to make little of our skills, abilities, or contributions. Heaven forbid that anyone think we were showing off! Yet modesty is carried too far when we so quickly and automatically dismiss praise that the value of our work doesn’t register with us! Raving about other people is fine and generous, but discounting ourselves can become a self-defeating habit.
You alone are you. Your comments in group are not like any others. A letter from you will mean something that nobody else’s letter could. Your insights, your frame of reference, the particular experiences you’ve had—are all unique to you. If you don’t share what you alone have to share, then that special something will never be shared. Modesty isn’t becoming or healthy or appropriate if it convinces us that much is little.
Avoiding grandiosity doesn’t mean denying my own gifts.
December 7 Everything that has been gained can be lost.
Whether we’re thinking of a fortune in stocks and bonds or the gold of self-esteem, the above quote makes us feel nervous and insecure. Even though it is no doubt true, the possibility of loss seems terribly negative. But there is more to it than that. Implicit in this note of caution is the very real caution that to slack off on the daily disciplines that create growth is to run the risk of relapse. As sure as “pride goeth before a fall,” so does carelessness in sticking to the course precede the possible slipping back to what was.
If daily reading has been helpful in turning the lights on an otherwise dark situation, then we’d better keep reading. If affirmations have gotten us moving down the right road, why would we stop doing them? If meeting with sponsors and going to group have been the handholds pulling us up and out of some despairing pit or other, let us beware of becoming lackadaisical in keeping up these contacts.
The programs we have set up for ourselves work if we work. Lest the night return, let us be very careful to tend the fire.
It’s simply common sense to protect what I value.
December 8 Part with self-conceit. For it is impossible for anyone to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.
In World War II, the Germans boasted that their panzers would easily rout the Russians. They knew that their tanks, built to perfection and tight specifications, were better engineered than the much more loosely constructed Russian tanks. In the Russians winter, however, the tightness of the German tanks became a disadvantage as the oil froze. The greater tolerance of the Russian tanks allowed far more flexibility and function under subzero conditions. And so the Germans were routed time after time.
Sometimes we make the same kind of mistake when we compare ourselves and our abilities with others. We may assume that we are far more able, far more advanced, than they are. If we have an unbroken record of accomplishment, we may find it hard to imagine that, in some areas, we may be clumsy and slow while others are competent and quick.
There is a mighty lesson in the tank story. What works for us in one situation may very well work against us in another. The superaggressive, “Get it done now” may grind to a halt in the inside world. Conceit and self-esteem are not the same. We may have to walk a little more slowly, a little more humbly, when we’re dealing with frozen areas in the human heart.
Whatever makes me smug also makes me vulnerable.
December 9 When we do what works, why are we so surprised that it works?
Locking horns with low self-esteem can be a fierce, exhausting contest. Only the value of the prize makes it worth the continuing effort required. Yet it is a common experience for people in the midst of the fray to be surprised when consistent, committed effort actually gains ground. But why should it not?
If we do our affirmations regularly, even when we don’t feel like it, we will learn to think healthier thoughts. Day by disciplined day, the positive will force out the negative. If we consistently act in a confident, loving manner, we will come to expect such actions from ourselves. By repetition, these new behaviors feel natural. If we persistently refrain from thought patterns that erode our self-image, these mental chains will be broken, link by link.
We who are so accustomed to failure are often amazed and even shocked by success. Yet what is so unusual about a fair day’s pay for a hard day’s work? We deserve success.
I’m not only making progress, but I’m becoming more aware of it.
December 10 We are more than what we have.
Preachers and teachers have forever advised us that we are more than what we own. Being is not the same as having. This precious piece of wisdom almost always is associated with the possession of material things. And rightly so.
But we have more than things to distract us. We also have feelings. And the same thought is true here—we are more than the feelings we have. We are not our feelings anymore than we are our possessions. Feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness, insecurity, and alienation—and a raft of others—often seem to define us. In our interpretation of those feelings, we must realize that just because we feel a certain way doesn’t mean we are that way. To lose this distinction is to lose our way on the road to self-realization.
Much of what we feel about ourselves has been learned. Shame-based people may have been told that they were unworthy for such a long time that the feeling wrapped around that tragic message became the truth. But the real truth is that we have choices about how we feel. Our feelings can be, and often need to be, challenged. Perhaps we can’t change our feelings as easily as we change a pair of shoes, but they can be changed if we decide they don’t fit anymore.
My feelings are a part of me—not all of me.
December 11 Judgment comes from experience and great judgment come from bad experience.
Low self-esteem plays out like a movie made up, frame by frame and scene by scene, of all our misjudgments and misdeeds. It’s our own horror story. The plot never changes, so we come to know it well: Life is just one bad experience after another, and we shouldn’t expect anything else.
How we shortchange ourselves when we pay so much attention to the cost and so little to the wisdom we have purchased! Surely it’s just as realistic to think of our mistakes as lessons rather than permanent black marks on our record. If our bad experiences taught us something we didn’t know before, are they wholly bad? The fact is that failure is a better teacher than success.
Of course, it’s sad when relationships crumble, time is wasted, money is lost. But for all the anguish of these bad experiences, didn’t they give us some clues as to how to avoid the same pitfalls in the future? If we learned, we didn’t lose everything. We’re not wiped out or doomed to live out the future as we have lived out the past. We need to think of our “movie” as a training film, not a horror story.
Good judgment is built, brick by brick, from painful lessons learned.
December 12 A man consists of the faith that is in him. Whatever his faith is.
Most of us find great security in guarantees. If “it” doesn’t work—whatever it is-we want to know we can get our money back. In some areas of our lives, this demand for assurance not only works but is just plain common sense. But in many areas there are no guarantees.
Maintaining or building a healthy self-esteem, for example, is largely a proposition of faith. Of course, we’d like to be promised that if we do this difficult thing—like talking straight in a relationship, standing up for our rights, or going back to school for career enhancement—the results will be there immediately. We want to be assured that our efforts at reeducation by way of new readings or listening to speakers will make a real difference soon. We want a warranty such as we would get on a car or refrigerator. We want to know, not hope, that our self-improvement programs will perform as advertised.
But there are no guarantees. We are all different. We grow at our own pace. Spiritual experiences of break-through happen at different times for different people. Often it is faith alone that keeps beckoning us on into new waters. To keep on going, we have to keep on believing.
Self-trust is self-granted.
December 13 A definition encloses the wilderness of an idea within a wall of words.
Of all the specialized rhetoric surrounding recovery, the term dysfunctional family seems most in danger of losing its original meaning and thus its value and validity. First used to define families in which there was incest, child beating, or criminal neglect, the term is now used as a catchall description for nearly all families. Some experts claim that 90 percent of families are seriously dysfunctional in one way or another.
But like all buzzwords that kick up a lot of interest, the dysfunctional family label becomes inaccurate and misleading when it’s too widely applied to too many different situations. A child who was regularly whipped or molested carries a much more grievous burden than a child whose Dad wouldn’t go to ball games or a Mom who wouldn’t carpool. We need to be careful about claiming and blaming root causes that scarcely exist.
All families are flawed because all people are flawed. All of us came from, and most us of are, incomplete and inexpert parents. Considering the difficulties, most families deserve credit for simply hanging together as bravely and hopefully as they can. We best promote our growth when we stop short of indicting our families and instead look back only for information and insight.
I am responsible for what I make of my life.
December 14 Follow your bliss.
Fortunate are those who have a clear vision of what is important to them and how they wish to live their lives. So many of us flounder like rudderless ships, steered only by the vagaries of chance. But we can’t get there unless we know where “there” is.
Years ago, during the Depression, a young man was hitchhiking around the country. He struck up a conversation with an older man who had offered him a ride. The older man asked him what his goal in life was. The young man replied that his greatest desire was to be a millionaire. “Oh, no it isn’t,” said the older man. “If that were true, you would not be wasting your time right now floating around the country. You would be hard at work trying to make your dream come true.” And, of course, he was right.
Over time, we become what we do. If we want our dreams to come true, we need to give them muscle. We need to know ourselves, to set goals, and then to put all our effort into achieving what we have set out to accomplish, Just wishing won’t do it.
I have the determination to achieve my goals.
December 15 To the mean all becomes mean.
It’s an embarrassing truth that what we clearly recognize as good in other people can make us feel bad and behave even worse. When we’re struck by someone’s youthful beauty, we may quickly remark on their experience and naïveté. If we see someone showing a kindness that wouldn’t have occurred to us, we may neutralize our admiration—and thus our grudging envy—by calling that person a “soft touch” or a “bleeding heart.” Somehow it’s hard for us to simply give credit where credit is due.
Insecurity is the problem. When other people’s good qualities alarm us into petty mean-mindedness, it’s a sure sign that we’re on the defensive. For some reason we feel threatened or diminished when we become aware of strength or character or beauty that is greater than our own. As if those other people don’t have shortcomings to go along with their gifts! As if we have anything to lose by acknowledging that all beauty and goodness doesn’t begin and end with us! What an absurd and indefensible position that is!
If we’re so insistent on finding flaws in the beautiful, let us begin with ourselves. Integrity and pettiness don’t go together.
As I feel better about myself, I feel better about other people.
December 16 Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
Some decisions made by bosses, bureaucrats, other powerful higher-ups can wreak havoc on our personal lives. As carefully as we planned, some things we counted on just aren’t going to be. And some things we thought would never happen are laid squarely in our laps. Perhaps a freeway is going to come through our neighborhood; the house we were going to retire in will have to be torn down. Or perhaps the company we work for is being relocated and we weren’t invited to come along.
When such things happen,, we feel betrayed and devalued. Our self-esteem takes a nosedive along with our plans. In our resentment and fear, we may turn on the “culprits” with a personal vengeance that hurts us a lot more than it can ever hurt them.
After we reflect on it a while, we can usually see that these decisions were not really against us, but for the decision makers. Their actions were taken to protect or advance themselves. As distasteful as this realization may be, it does us far less damage than taking impersonal events personally. We can’t do anything about the fact that power structures can be greedy and insensitive. But we needn’t let a decision made by people we don’t know, perhaps thousands of miles away, have access to our self-esteem.
My value as a person is separate, distinct, and independent of impersonal events.
December 17 Do not put your faith in what statistics say until you have carefully considered what they do not say.
Way back in kindergarten we started learning to sort out same from different. When we could separate the red buttons from the blue, the short sticks from the long, we got a pat on the head. Categorizing is a thinking skill that helps us organize facts so we can deal with them better. If we couldn’t sort things out, our world would be an unmanageable mess.
But human beings are neither facts nor things. When we categorize ourselves or other people, we deceive ourselves. Such categorization dehumanizes and makes self-esteem impossible. People are too complex to fit into our pigeon holes. Labels like unemployed and welfare recipient, for example, only mean what they mean. They tell us only a little piece of an individual’s rich story. Such labels describe, but they do not define. They turn people into statistics.
In our pursuit of right thinking, we begin to see that other people, just like ourselves, are not nearly so neatly classifiable as we thought they were. In discovering our own rich mix of pluses and minuses, we realize that tidying up people into neat compartments has been a way of discounting them. Instead of categorizing to think better, we have categorized to slap down a label so we don’t have to think at all.
I can only be as appreciative of myself as I am of other people.
December 18 Jealousy: that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.
Adolescent girls are flattered and thrilled when their adolescent boyfriends get jealous. Sometimes they even deliberately try to provoke jealousy-“to see if he really loves me.” But jealousy is not and never was a sign of love; it’s a sign of immature insecurity.
Now that we’ve grown up, we need to get our facts straight about what does and does not signify a loving relationship. As adults, both men and women may confuse possessiveness with love. But in truth no one can “belong” to anyone else. Chronic suspiciousness is a character flaw, not a compliment. Obsession with someone else’s coming and goings is a poor substitute for devotion. And accusing your blameless partner of having an affair says more about you than it does about your partner.
If we are the jealous ones, we need to get help with the fear of loss that generates those feelings. If we are the ones who feel reassured and validated that our mates “care enough to be jealous,” we need to work on growing up.
Love promotes the freedom of the other; jealousy limits freedom.
December 19 If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
Contradictory forces often pull us up and push us down at the same time. Who needs enemies when we’ve got ourselves! While one hand is busy building self-esteem, the other may be just as busily slapping down those efforts.
This can happen when we try to enrich our lives by taking up a new interest or hobby. Suppose we join a bowling team or enroll in a ceramics class. The first time we go we feel enthusiastic and excited-this is going to be fun! We congratulate ourselves for making the effort and wonder why we waited so long. The second or third time, though, we start to notice how far we have to go to get really good at what we’re doing. Compared to us, the others seem so skillful! Then we suddenly remember that our favorite TV show is on that same night, so we stop showing up and let our new interest fizzle.
It isn’t easy to let go enough to have fun for fun’s sake. Strange as it may seem, many duty-driven adults have to retrain themselves, patiently but persistently, just as they might retrain some lost faculty after a brain injury. But the payoff is marvelous; reclaiming fun is as close as we can get to reclaiming childhood.
The ability to have fun is not a luxury.
December 20 Knowledge is the process of piling up facts. Wisdom lies in their simplification.
A new product on the market is described as “so advanced, it’s simple.” What an interesting point to make-and how wise! At the core of many complex things is a simple thought, a single idea that is altogether clear and understandable. Self-esteem is a case in point. In spite of all the complicated analysis of causes and cures, it all comes down to learning to like ourselves. Simple!
Not surprisingly, we like ourselves when we behave in likable ways; we respect ourselves when our behavior is respectable; we honor our own honorable deeds. There’s nothing confusing or complicated about it. Nor is there anything mysterious about feeling bad when we behave badly or feeling abused when we walk in the company of abusers.
We learn to like ourselves when we do the things that boost our integrity and refrain from doing what damages it. The truth couldn’t be plainer and neither could the implication. Any action we take, no matter how small, either adds to or diminishes our treasure. If we forget everything else we know about self-esteem, let us not forget that.
I make more progress when I keep it simple.
December 21 This is a world of compensation. Abraham Lincoln
Some of us decide early in life that the only way we’ll ever get to the winner’s circle is by riding on someone else’s shoulders. Others of us only give up on ourselves after years of setbacks and disappointments. But in either case there comes the point, usually on a deep, subconscious level, where we turn to someone else to do it for us. If we can’t have personal glory, we decide we’ll go for the reflected kind. That’s when the status of other people-our parents, our spouses, even our children-becomes more important to us than our own.
It isn’t at all unusual to see “stage parents” abandon or slight their own affairs on behalf of Johnny’s future in sports or Jennifer’s dancing prospects. Or to see a grown man define himself in terms of his more successful father. Or a wife hide out in her husband’s shadow. But putting all our hopes and dreams in someone else’s hands only does further damage to our self-esteem, of course. Not only does it put an unfair burden on the people we’re expecting to carry us, but any rewards we get for doing that will always be secondhand.
Using a relationship to make us look good usually makes us feel bad. Beyond carrying in bags of groceries, we don’t have the right to use our children at all. Nor are we being mature, responsible adults when we hang onto the coattails of our parents or spouses. Our self-esteem will always be a matter of standing in our own spotlight.
No one can achieve my potential for me. I am capable of doing that myself.
December 22 Watch how a man takes praise and there you have the measure of him.
Criticism is hard to take, but accepting compliments gracefully isn’t easy either. In fact, most of us find it takes a good deal of poise and practice. We seem to feel that we are lacking in modesty unless we quickly disclaim the praise.
We must not rob ourselves of the support our egos need by thinking we must be falsely humble. How many times have we seen people respond to a compliment by making disparaging remarks about themselves? Such self-effacing behavior takes much of the joy out of well-earned praise.
In those dark days when the fog of failure is especially thick, remembered compliments bolster our ego and help us count our blessings. A simple and gracious “thank you” is all that need be said when someone is kind enough to give us a verbal pat on the back. True humility accepts both kinds of truths about ourselves-both the flattering and the unflattering.
I can accept compliments with graceful appreciation.
December 23 Denial is the act of pulling down the shades in the search for light.
Many varied elements come to play in our decision making. Reason, emotion, spirit, experience, fear, and love all have something valid to contribute. The best decision always comes from collaboration.
As with the deliberations of government, personal deliberations can only be based on the data available. If any element is left out, a truth is withheld, and the validity of the decision is diminished, if not destroyed. To deny any part of ourselves a voice is to hear only part of the story, and thus to blanket the whole truth.
Self-esteem is enhanced by sound decision making. We cannot be other than the result of our own deliberations, especially on issues that concern ourselves. Yet it is quite possible, even within the confines of our own person, to silence valid input, to keep secrets. And self-esteem is always the victim.
I usually have my own answers if I take the time to listen.
December 24 A rich child often sits in a poor mother’s lap. Danish Proverb
In the self-esteem department, many parents rise or fall according to how they provide for their children. If Mom and Dad give their kids “the things they never had,” whether it be tap-dancing lessons, fancy clothes, or expensive bikes, they feel good about themselves. If they come up short, they lose stature in their own eyes. Perhaps our parents felt diminished by what they couldn’t give us.
Yet many of the advantages that parents lavish on their children may not be advantages at all. Living as we do in a grossly materialistic society, parents may get confused about what children really need. The truth is that it’s not designer tennis shoes or elaborate parties-no matter how loudly kids wail that “everybody else” has twice as many. Upon reflection, we know in our hearts that the best gifts we have to give are time, attention, interest, and love.
Self-esteem must not hinge on whether or not parents have a Santa Claus suit. Kids may think they want it, but “happiness by acquisition“ only sets up a life-time of wanting. Beyond shelter, food, and health care, money can’t buy what kids really need-someone to listen to them, share with them, and respect their struggles. If they have that, they are truly blessed. And so are their parents.
Children learn to honor the values their parents honor.
December 25 It’s Christmas Day! Thank God I haven’t missed it! Charles Dickens
As we grow older, it’s entirely possible to lose a lot more than the dimples in our knees and elbows. Through busyness, laziness, or just inattention, we can actually forget how to have fun. Whole summers go by without a single picnic, a swim, or a ball game. Birthdays become nothing more than restaurant dinners. What a far cry from our youth when looking forward to a good time and then wringing every drop of pleasure out of it was what we knew best!
Christmas is one of the occasions that many of us forget how to celebrate. “Christmas is too commercial,” we say as an excuse for our crankiness. “Christmas is for children.” Yet for all the greed and phoniness that surround the holidays, there is also much that is lovely and inviting of spiritual growth. The warmth on so many faces, the increased sense of caring and giving, the gathering of families, the beauty of the music-all are invitations to turn away from worry and lift up our hearts.
We don’t have to become like Scrooge just because we’re not children anymore. The wonder of Christmas is available to all comers. Let us not miss it.
Deepening my capacity for enjoyment deepens my self-esteem.
December 26 Parents have rights, too.
No one would argue the point that children need all the love they can get. Child abuse, in its many forms, is among the world’s greatest crimes. All parents know that raising children requires sacrifice, and often it is necessary to put the children’s needs first. True, true, true.
But it is also true that when parents sublimate their needs and wishes so totally under the demands of parenthood that they themselves nearly disappear, they can find themselves in trouble. Any sacrifice of integrity always translates into a loss of self-esteem. Granted that kids have rights, but it is also true that parents have rights.
Positive self-esteem requires individuals-children included-to accept that, though they are important indeed, they are not the center of the universe. To be parents who serve the needs of their children to such an extent that they deny their basic right to same living is to do their children a disservice. Such parents foolishly sacrifice their own self-esteem, and also give their children an unrealistic model of healthy adult behavior.
I can only be a successful parent if I have a strong identity of my own.
December 27 Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.
Jealousy is the mortal enemy of self-esteem and, obviously, our esteem of anyone else. Born of fear, jealousy is never about what “they” have or are, but always about us. People who are often jealous are people who habitually make comparisons-and always come out on the short end of the deal.
The antidote to jealousy is to become convinced that we are just fine the way we are. It is to know that whatever we have-more than some, less than others-means next to nothing in the final accounting. After all, if we are on good terms with ourselves, how much difference can it make if we add more things to our catalog of possessions? It’s nice but not necessary. On the other hand, if we aren’t convinced of our own substance, even boatloads of new things will never be enough. And the losing comparisons between ourselves and others will never end.
Jealousy makes it impossible to have friends, and because friendship is essential in self-esteem building, the two cannot coexist. We can’t be much of a friend if our friend’s happiness or success is threatening to us. Who wants a friend like that? When I am okay with me, I can only celebrate whatever good befalls those around me. If I am not-all the world is a threat.
I sincerely wish all success and happiness for my friends.
December 28 If we wanted to be happy it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.
How am I doing? We automatically ask ourselves that question many times a day. Always, of course, in relation to other people. How else could we make a judgment? Am I smarter? Younger? More successful? Richer? Better looking? And how about them? Are they more self-confident than I am? Luckier? Happier?
Yet the only way we can draw a conclusion is to imagine that we know about “them.” Usually, we do not. Oftentimes we tend to overrate and exaggerate the quality of other people’s lives. Because we’re keenly aware of our own inadequacies, we may accord “them” most of the advantages we think we lack. (No doubt it would bowl them over to realize how happy they didn’t know they were!)
What a relief it is when we arrive at the state where our self-esteem depends not at all on “them”-either what they think of us or what we think of them. Sure, the comparison questions are intriguing and fun to wonder about. Just as long as the answers don’t count for anything but idle entertainment.
Comparing my insides with other people’s outsides makes for some wrong conclusions.
December 29 What is this self inside us, this silent observer, severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us?
Shame is a powerful barrier to positive self-esteem. However undeserved, it is shame that constantly scolds that we are not doing enough or well enough. It is shame that says we are not as far along as we should be. And when our hearts and souls are harassed by shame, we find it difficult to make any progress on the spiritual walk that building self-esteem is. Or at least we have a hard time recognizing that we are making any progress.
This negative inner talk is all subjective, of course. That’s why it helps to set absolute, objective measuring points against which we can measure success. There is no arguing with objective goals; they’re either met or they’re not met. Are we having more positive days than before? Have we given our significant other more hugs, of both the verbal and physical kind? Are we in fact trying new things? Have we in fact resisted some compulsion or said that work we found so hard to say? If so, we are on our way.
All of these and dozens of similar behaviors are objective measuring points against which progress can be verified. Acknowledging progress points not only feels good but it’s good for us. In the face of documented success, shame tends to back off.
Undeserved shame flies from the light of objectivity.
December 30 I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.
Sometimes we feel let down and somehow sad as the year draws to a close. Partly, we may simply have let ourselves get too tired with all the hustle and bustle of the holidays. And partly, we may be feeling some regret about the wonderful progress, the amazing turn-around, that we didn’t make this past year. Perhaps we had promised ourselves that we would be much slimmer, healthier, wealthier, or happier by now. Last January, when we made all those brave new resolutions, we felt so strong, so dedicated, so undefeatable!
But the clock and the calendar aren’t the only ways to tell time. They’re not even the best way-especially in these days of slush, bare trees, and little sunshine. Even if we’re tired, we’re still alive and kicking, aren’t we? Even if we’re disappointed in our rate of progress, we still believe in progress, don’t we? The fact is that we’re demonstrating our continuous commitment to growth simply by reading this meditation.
As long as we keep moving forward, we are getting ahead. If we’ve kept our heads high and our feet in motion, we’re still in the race. We needn’t worry about our pace as long as we’re headed in the right direction.
These days may be dark and gloomy, but my prospects are still bright.
December 31 Easy does it. Twelve Step Program Slogan
For everyone of us who can’t get down to business, there is another who is too dutiful. We are the hard-at-it souls who make such grinding, intense work of improving our self-esteem that we miss the point of the whole effort. Which is to live happier, more joyous lives. We can’t do that and work double shifts, too.
In a sense, positive self-esteem is like a beautiful butterfly. If we don’t try to grab it, it often comes softly to our shoulder. Of course, self-esteem building does require effort, but we can focus so fiercely on this task that we’re too tired and tense to enjoy the benefits.
Self-esteem is for the sake of laughing more, of relaxing more, of taking more time off. We know we’re esteeming ourselves more when we’re gradually making progress in those areas that are important, like communicating with the people we care about. Self-esteem is about creating and enjoying beauty wherever we can. That doesn’t happen after the work gets done-it is the work. Self-esteem is a process, not a payoff. We get to enjoy it while we’re earning it.
Relax. There is such a thing as trying too hard.
