December 1 074 Detachment is not being diminished by the behavior of others.
My experience has been that this is one of the more difficult principles to apply. When others treat us unkindly, as they often do, it’s easy to think we must have done something to deserve it. In fact, maybe we, too, had been unkind first. However, someone’s actions or behavior need not determine how anyone else perceives themselves and then acts. We are “dancing” every moment with our companions, and the smoothness of the dance-or its opposite-will be felt, observed by others and used as the stuff of interpretation for the next move. The dance, be it gentle or diminishing, will continue. Fortunately, we can decide if we want to steer the dance in a new direction.
Thinking of our experiences with others as opportunities to express and accept unconditional love-even when it doesn’t appear to be that-is courageous, mind-altering, and wonderful preparation for every next moment in time. Deciding to believe that everyone’s actions are expressing love or a call for love is what allows for the willingness to accept wherever someone else is on their journey. When we can nurture that, our own journey flourishes. It’s not easy to say, “His actions don’t determine my worth,” but when we make a practice of this (and we can succeed at this task, I assure you), a path to a more loving and intimate future with all companions will become possible.
The dance floor is ours and the dance is of our choosing. Will it be a waltz, a fox-trot, or a ballet? Or will we sit on the sidelines feeling exposed and unchosen? The choice is ours.
December 2 075 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are doing.
A child screaming on an airplane or a mother loudly scolding her child in a grocery store can easily stir up feeling in me. I either want to aid the child, thing I should do something to alleviate the anguish being expressed or I want to get out of the enclosed area immediately. In many cases that’s not possible, and getting involved in the business of a parent and her child, unless the child is being injured, is never appropriate. There is a response that is, however. It’s quiet but ever so effective: it’s prayer. Prayer changes my inner spaces and quiets my mind and can have a positive effect on anyone who might be feeling the frustration of either situation.
Detaching from the chaos of the external world, regardless of the nature of the chaos, is something I have practiced for many years. I applied this tool when mean-spirited people used to wander across my path. I find it rather interesting that since I have learned how to detach, I seldom come into contact with mean-spirited people. I think we discover in others what we expect to find. If I am expecting to be put down or ignored, just possibly that’s the antenna I have extended.
In the give-and-take of our lives, we get what we expect, and it generally matches what we have extended. It puts the responsibility for the life we want squarely in our hands, doesn’t it? But when the unexpected and frustrating do occur, we have a tool bag to use.
Watching others from the sidelines is sometimes best. We need not be involved in much of what’s happening in our midst. Caring about the people present is not the same as acting on their behalf. Let’s make sure we know the difference.
December 3 076 Detachment is taking responsibility for your feelings.
Stomping my foot as a kid, pouting and blaming my brother for whatever I had been caught doing as was being reprimanded for, is a familiar memory. I hated owning up to my shortcomings. Even more, I hated the feeling that I had been caught. I still don’t relish admitting my faults. Perhaps no one does. But allowing for their existence and making restitution when necessary, along with making the decision to change those behaviors that are clearly infringing on the rights of others, does free us from feelings of guilt and shame, rather than letting those characteristics define us completely.
We are never unaware of when we have harmed someone else or stepped over the line in how we responded to them, regardless of our words to the contrary. Simply feeling angry when caught or feeling unfairly treated if corrected is irresponsible and won’t free us to become the persons who already are within us just waiting to be acknowledged.
Detachment is an interesting concept. It doesn’t mean being uncaring. It doesn’t mean being isolated and uninvolved. It means having emotional clarity, showing support where it’s needed, making apologies where necessary, and blaming no one.
Being responsible for our actions and the feelings that accompany them, and nothing more, is enough to focus on each day.
December 4 077 Detachment means no longer harboring thoughts of “attachment.”
Oh, how I longed to be “attached” to someone in my youth, to be on his arm, so to speak! To be chosen as a girlfriend meant that I was popular, that I mattered and was truly special, at least to “him.” Not being attached to someone defined me to others in a way that diminished me, I thought. It saddens me to recall how empty I felt inside back then. It was an emptiness that I ultimately tried to fill with alcohol when having a boyfriend and then a husband didn’t fill me up, but to no avail. And that’s the good news, of course. It was a long journey from there to here, however, a long sometimes very painful journey.
It wasn’t until my late thirties that I began to understand how insidious my need for attachment actually was. Seeing myself only in relationship to others, always defining myself by how I perceived the way that others were perceiving me, meant that my very fragile personae was frequently being fractured by the whimsy of others.
It’s simply not true that most people intentionally hurt us. Our collective thoughtlessness is often what is the root cause of many of the hurts we all experience. But for years I didn’t know this. I assumed I deserved whatever I seemed to be getting. Knowing this, as I now do, and having learned that others’ behavior is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, has allowed me such freedom. Are you sharing in this understanding, at this stage of your life?
Acting as helpmates to one another so that we all have a better understanding of what detachment versus attachment means is a great undertaking. And sharing with one another our experience is the place to begin. That’s what I am trying to do here. And I hope you can see your own progress.
December 5 078 Detachment is no longer feeling unfairly treated.
I have a friend whose little boy seems unusually able to allow other children to do whatever they are doing, even when their actions seem rude and thoughtless, without making a spiteful response. She said he doesn’t come running, crying that kids are being mean. He neither hits nor yells. And he doesn’t seem scared or intimidated. He simply glances at the child who is being mean and then goes on about his own business. It’s as though he has an innate understanding that what others are doing doesn’t have to define him, diminish him or affect him in any way. She says she has even observed him reaching out in an inclusive, kind way to the child who has just been pushy or rude - an act that took her totally by surprise the first time she observed it.
Is Jeffrey’s response to the world around him unique or were we all “Jeffrey’s” until we learned, perhaps at the feet of our parents, to be afraid and retaliatory? Some educators and psychologists say that most behaviors are learned. But might we possibly be born with some qualities that we unlearn as the result of the prompting we get from the adults in our lives? Children certainly observe retaliation every day, on television, in our homes, in the classroom. Might we groove a certain kind of response simply because we see it in others hundreds of times daily? Perhaps we can never know the answer to this, but we can be certain that we can change our responses, at any age, to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
We can decide, once and for all, to never consider ourselves unfairly treated. What happens to us or around us is an opportunity to make an observation, say a prayer, and then move on. What freedom there is in that!
December 6 079 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are saying and doing.
The freedom to not be shamed, cajoled, or controlled by what anyone else is doing or saying, is one of the gifts I most treasure these days. I didn’t know, for most of my life, that I could live relatively unaffected by what other people were thinking or doing. On the contrary, nearly every word spoken or movement made by anyone within proximity to me tended to decide my fate for that brief few minutes. Who you were and what you said or did defined me!
The awareness that it could ever be different was a long, slow process of learning. It only came in tiny doses, actually. I didn’t receive this gift in one “aha” moment. It came over time and after listening to the wise words of many others who had become my traveling companions on the spiritual path. How grateful I am that we were traveling together, however, and that I am become a willing listener.
Learning to keep our feelings separate from others does not mean ignoring those people who walk among us. In fact, those who walk with us are most often the teachers we have sought. But learning from them what we need to learn does not mean we should be treated poorly or judged in any way. Our lesson is always meant to elevate us, to enlighten us in some way, not to demean us in any way. And the lessons we are here to offer others follow this same pattern. It’s an equal exchange of attention, wisdom, and love. Always.
Letting other be who they need to be and trusting that my God will protect me is my best assurance of not being controlled by the learning curve of others.
December 7 080 Detachment means no longer adjusting our lives to the whims of others.
People change their minds very quickly and oftentimes unexpectedly. That’s human nature. Being able to change when circumstances call for it is good, in fact. It means we are paying attention to the world around us and making choices that better fit our changing circumstances. For instance, if the company one is working for begins to downsize, it is wise to start looking for new work opportunities before the pink slips are handed out.
Allowing for change, whether it is initiated by friends, by strangers, or simply by a situation that involves us, without letting our own focus for the day be completely thrown off kilter or undermined, is a sign of emotional maturity. This is growth we all want to experience. The upheavals all around us, and they are many, for sure, can be observed, learned from, incorporated into our own way of seeing on occasion, and even detached from because nothing, no one or no circumstance, has the capacity to control our sense of self, ever.
In the early decades of my life, I constantly tried to adjust to the whims of significant others, certain it would make me indispensible to them. How wrong I was. We must find our own voice and let it define us. We must find our own Higher Power and let Him guide us. We must trust that with God’s spirit as the unchanging force in our life, we will always be able to handle whatever changes present themselves. This is what has been promised to us.
Where any one of us is right now is where we can best serve others. The changes that are manifest in anyone’s life, whether appreciated or not at the time, will become our opportunities to rely on God to help us see our way. We can be grateful for the whims of others when we see them from this perspective.
December 8 081 Detachment from others can be nurtured by strengthening our “attachment” to our personal hopes and dreams.
Appreciating the dreams of our friends can be one of the best of exchanges between us. It thrills them to be able to share with us what excites them, and it’s one of our greatest gifts to them to be a witness to the sharing of their dream and then to its unfolding. Yet, allowing that dream to belong solely to them and not making it our own too is very important.
We each must cultivate our own dreams. That’s our purpose for being here.
As with so many other lessons in my life, I had to learn this one the hard way. I didn’t have my own dreams as a young woman. What my friends longed for, I wanted too. I figured this was the best way to be a stable, unrejectable part of the group. I carried this assumption into all my relationships throughout school and even into my first marriage. I was desperate to fit into someone else’s dream. It became my dream to figure out theirs, and then adopt it too. My fear of abandonment was exhausting.
With spiritual recovery, however, came a new way of seeing the possibilities for my life, and this included the invitation to have my own hopes and dreams. Initially, I felt ill-equipped for thinking or seeing in a new way. But gradually I learned to turn to a quiet place within where I sought help. And it came. The dreams had been there all along. I took pen to paper, and the rest is history. My life became what it has become as the result of a dream and conversation with God. I know willingness opened the door. And healthy detachment from the needs, the control, and particularly the emotions of others has become my gift. And what a gift it has been.
We all have a dream waiting for us. If you have not discovered yours yet, get quiet close your eyes and seek to see it. It will come into view. It comes when we are ready. This you can trust to be true.
December 9 082 Detachment is not interfering with what another person should do.
Telling others what we think is best for them is a seductive behavior that can become honed into an ingrained habit, and it’s not a habit that enhances our relationships. Even when people ask us for our opinions, we need to be wary. Expressing what has worked for us, in a similar instance, is acceptable perhaps, but taking it any further than this opens us up to criticism when, and if, the suggestion we make backfires, as it most assuredly will some of the time.
We are moving through our daily lives with absolute intention and with people we have specifically selected because of our common interests and necessary lessons. We might misinterpret this to mean we are in charge of one another, but that would be wrong. Our journeys are simply complementary. As learners, we need each other, and one of our greatest lessons is the power that comes as the result of joining together, sharing our dreams, and bearing witness to one another’s struggles and successes. Shared experiences heighten the joyous ones and lessen the painful ones. Coming together in this supportive way readies all of us for the next leg of our journeys, however they may manifest.
We are cheerleaders. We are not bosses. We are not God. We are not here to judge. We are here, sharing this space and time, making one another’s journeys more peaceful.
Showing excitement for each other’s journey is good. But let that be enough. If something more is called for, God will take care of filling the need.
December 10 083 Detachment is refusing to let our interactions with others define us.
This principle has been touched on myriad times but I think it’s of paramount importance, thus it bears repeating. It is simply too easy to let the actions of others control how we feel about ourselves. Many of us have been falling into this trap since childhood. If she smiles, I must be lovable. If he makes eye contact, I have been noticed. When they frown, I am a failure and worthless. Examples of falling into this trap are endless.
What others do and what they say does reveal a great deal, that’s true. But what do these actions really reveal? My observations, coupled with many years of studying human behavior, tell me that what others do and say reflects what they think of themselves In other words, when someone scolds you or me, or attempts to, we can choose to define it as a reflection of the kind of day that person is having. Our self-worth need not be injured by the attack. It’s equally important, however, not to let our self-worth be tied to the positive reactions of others, either. Our self-worth is a gift from God. Period.
Let me assure you that it’s not easy to let the snarls or the criticisms or the obvious avoidance tactics of others go unnoticed. But responding to them isn’t necessary. Even though we may be screaming inside to respond, we can let our desires slide by. We can look on those actions quietly, noting the struggle that he or she must be having, and say a quiet prayer, instead. What a change in behavior this could be, and the real benefit is how much more peaceful we will feel and how much more peaceful the moment will become for all present.
No one else defines us. No one! God gave us worth and value when He created us and we need do nothing to deserve it or claim it. This is a principle that bears frequent repeating.
December 11 084 Detachment means no longer needing to be in charge of anything, not even our own lives.
I have heard it said many times in many spiritual circles that we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we need to be doing at any moment in time. This isn’t an easy principle to consistently live by, particularly if we are going through a difficult patch of experiences. But thinking that my plan for how my life should unfold is the right plan, the only conceivable plan, has been proven wrong many times over the years. Fortunately! If my plan had succeeded, on any number of occasions, I would not be sitting here now sharing these words with you. I’d have been buried long ago. It’s as simple as that.
Allowing ourselves the luxury of becoming what God intended is so much more peaceful than trying to force situations whose time has not come. The freedom to let life simply be whatever it will be in this moment gives us a lot of extra time to smile at strangers, to lend a helping hand to others, to watch children running down the street, and to appreciate the birds chirping as we take that early morning walk.
Allowing life to simply be doesn’t mean we stand idly by. On the contrary, it means we honor those directions we feel God is sending us. We listen to those words of guidance we feel are directing our way, making sure that no matter what we do in any given moment, we are not causing harm to someone else. Letting go of our attachment to how our life should unfold is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.
We can trust in God’s direction. Trying to be in charge of the unfolding of our life will simply hinder the journey, throw the outcome off course, and prevent the growth we are ready for now.
December 12 085 Detachment is not disinterest, but that might be the first step.
The concept of detachment is generally not easily grasped. When I first heard the word, I was mystified. People told me I needed to “detach” from the troubling circumstances in my life and detach, as well, from the people I felt were causing me such grief. I wondered how I’d ever be able to change them if I detached from them. That, of course, was the whole point; we can’t change others. We can’t control the outcomes of the situations we are a part of. Learning how to fully detach requires a long and arduous learning curve. Staying on the learning path, regardless of how long it takes to grasp the freedom of detachment, becomes its own reward.
As has already been suggested, we won’t learn how to detach on the first try, not even on the one-hundredth try. But we will make progress, and fleeting moments of peace will be our reward. I practiced disinterest before I was able to grasp how to detach. Detachment and disinterest are not the same, of course, but to the onlooker, the witness, they appear to be the same, I needed to act as if I were detaching even when I was still very emotionally charged up by the people or circumstances around me. I needed to prove to myself and others that I could let them be, that I could let be everything that involved others. And after a time, I began to like the feeling of letting go. Eventually, I cherished the moments of turning away rather than holding on to the many people I had previously sought to control.
Being willing to practice baby steps of detachment is necessary. And having others witness our efforts is what keeps us on the path of this phenomenal exercise in discovering freedom.
December 13 086 Detachment means no longer leading others’ lives.
Walking through life with others is one of the many blessings on this journey. But we must also make our own plans and follow our own path rather than blindly following in the footsteps of others. Learning this can be a bit distressing initially. Perhaps we assumed that those who walked with us were there on a mission and we rather liked their input. Their presence freed us from figuring out our own lives.
But turning the reigns over to others prevents us from claiming our own opportunities. We won’t become who God had intended for us to be if we are listening to voices other than His. When we don’t know who we are, and until we have discovered our own very specific purpose here, we’ll flounder and fail to have the impact we could be having on the others we walk among every day.
The desire to be attached to others is not unnatural. As children we attach to our mothers for the first few years. As we begin to mature, but before we develop our own sense of self, we often find ourselves drawn too tightly to the people who have wandered our way and stayed a while. That’s a normal response. But break away we must. We owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, even to the strangers among us. Each one of us must travel our own unique, though complementary, path. Only in this way can we add true benefit to the world around us. Only in this way can we fulfill the will that is God’s.
Giving to those we walk among is why we are here. Making sure we give what is ours to give and not trying to give that which specifically belongs to others is crucial. Each one of us is necessary to the completion of the journey.
December 14 087 Detachment is respecting the boundaries between yourself and others.
The first time I heard people talking about the importance of having boundaries was in a Twelve Step meeting, and I was pretty confused. It was a term I was unfamiliar with, and even as I heard people share, I didn’t understand their terminology or what they were distressed about. To me, a boundary meant something physical, like the hedges that separated the properties in many neighborhoods. But I knew this wasn’t the meaning they were referring to.
After listening to members of the group talk for the whole hour, I was finally able to glimpse that my life was being sabotaged by the unclear boundaries between me and others. I realized that this was how I had always lived, in fact. I left the meeting not knowing if I would or should return.
I had never sought boundaries before this time. I had preferred enmeshment, actually. It meant you needed me, that I was the center of your life. Boundaries meant we were unnecessary to each other, and I was terrified of being unnecessary. That was how my life had felt for decades, and I had tried for years to deaden the pain of being invisible. My lack of success was what brought me into the very Twelve Step meeting where I heard about boundaries for the first time. The dilemma was unavoidable; I wanted to live without pain, but how!
I look back on this first meeting as God’s answer to my search for freedom from the pain that had haunted me for years. We are always being led to the place where wisdom awaits us if we believe in the possibility that there is a solution that’s perfect for us.
I believe that respecting the boundaries between us is what actually allows us to come together in ways that really matter. We are students and teachers
interchangeably, but we must not blur the lines between us.
December 15 088 Detachment is freedom from the desire to get someone back.
There are many reasons we may want to verbally attack someone. Perhaps we felt put down or embarrassed by something a co-worker said to us or about us when we were not present. Or a friend quite unexpectedly excluded us from an event she was planning that included all our mutual friends. Maybe we got wind of a rumor that was being spread about us, a vicious one in fact, and wholly untrue. In all these instances and many more, the urge to get back at the person who nailed us is powerful. Our ego is easily engaged by the ego attack of another. Accepting that this is a normal reaction is important. However, we don’t want to stay in that frame of mind. This is even more important.
As children we are quick to fight back. Perhaps we are even encouraged to do so. Many parents push their children to be tough and to stand up to the classroom bully. It’s not an easy lesson to learn that what we may have had to do in childhood to survive is not what we need to do as adults. Allowing others to have their say, regardless of what it is and knowing that it doesn’t define us, is freedom at its finest. We don’t get to that awareness immediately. It generally takes many experiences with multiple people too see that letting someone have their say, whatever it may be, is far more pleasant than doing battle with them. Letting others think whatever they want to think, or do whatever they want to do, are marvelous gifts to us. Being unburdened by the need to interact over every little experience that comes our way gives us so much extra time to simply enjoy being alive.
It’s the little freedoms that count the most as we age, and this is one of them. Enjoy it to the fullest.
December 16 089 Detachment is the freedom not to be angry or sad.
Many would argue that we can’t keep our feelings separate from the actions of others or the circumstances that have befallen us. I am certainly not trying to convince you that this is an easy task, but it is doable. While I admit it has taken me hundreds of practice sessions, and the willingness, again and again, to look the other way, to turn a deaf ear, to let others have their own meltdowns and ego attacks without me getting ensnared, it is possible. And it feels so good when we succeed!
Accepting our powerlessness over the behavior of others isn’t easy. We think, If only I’d said it this way. Or perhaps, If only I had made that special dinner or brought flowers first. We get fooled into thinking that if we do something differently, we might get the object of our attention to do something differently, too. Alas, that’s never going to happen, unless by accident. People do what they do. Period! Our good fortune is to learn how empowered we feel when we let them!
Awaking each morning, being grateful to know that we can have the kind of day we want, is one of the gifts of embracing a spiritual program. Relieving ourselves of the burden of trying to make others conform to our wishes is a gift we can gladly unwrap a day at a time.
Today promises to be a happy one, regardless of what others are doing, if we are attending to our own business and no one else’s.
December 17 090 Detachment is giving up control, even the thought of it!
We are so practiced at trying to control others. We learn to be very subtle, certain that others can’t deter our efforts. But they can. I was a master at control. I thought. But all I was really a master at was frustrating others and then myself too with my lack of success. I was slow to learn that my attempts to control were the result of my insecurities. I didn’t want to admit to being insecure; I thought it made me boring. How could I be the one you wanted to be with if I was boring? I was a very sick puppy until I finally found freedom from my obsession to control those around me.
The freedom I finally found took years of diligence to realize. That’s the not-so-good news. It doesn’t happen quickly, but it will happen. Yet, vigilance will always be necessary. I have come to believe that if I had mastered letting go of control in the first attempt, I wouldn’t have appreciated, nearly so much, the relief I eventually enjoyed. But we get only a daily reprieve from the obsession to control. The Serenity Prayer, with its suggestions to accept those things we cannot change, is the moment’s reminder that sets our mind straight.
Whenever your focus is on what others are doing, pause. Take a deep breath. Are you minding their business? Are you about to say something that’s better left unsaid? Is it time to back off and refocus on the only business that matters, yours? Even the thought that others should be doing something different is a red flag. The time we have to do what needs to be done by us will expand greatly when we allow others to live their own lives while we attend to ours.
We will be able to care so much more about the things that really matter in our own lives when we let other people attend to that which matters to them. Freeing our minds offers so many unexpected gifts, the first of which is peace.
December 18 091 Detachment is not letting anyone else decide how you feel.
Everyone else decided how I felt for much of the first forty years of my life. It’s embarrassing to admit this, and seeing it in print is even more discomfiting. But I can’t escape who I was. Owning who we are, or were, throughout our lifetime is necessary if we want to embrace becoming someone who has another set of characteristics. Few of us will choose to stay as we were as youngsters for our entire lives; however, many of us will fear making changes of any consequence as adults. I definitely fell into this category.
I still remember so clearly trying to guess what was in someone else’s mind so what was in mine could mirror it. This way I was certain to be in that person’s favor. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be, other than a shadow of someone else. Was I always this way? I really don’t know. I do have a glimmering of having dreams for myself as a young girl, dreams that didn’t rely on others. I wrote short stories and plays in elementary school in which I solved mysteries and discovered clues no one else could find. I don’t know where that girl went, but by junior high she was gone. From then on, I got quiet and tried to fit in. That’s all. And I hoped others would not reject me. If the people around me didn’t show warm approval, I was crushed. The pain of that period was daunting, but during that time I finally learned to turn to God, and that was the lesson I needed.
I look back over my life, as you do yours, no doubt, and wonder how I got from there to here. But I know, as do you, that where we are now is where our next lessons lie. We don’t have to be afraid. Our lessons have waited for us, and we can handle whatever comes. We always did and we always will.
No longer does anyone else have the power to control how I feel. The same is true for you. We get to decide that for ourselves. Isn’t this a great and wonderful gift?
December 19 092 Detachment is freedom from saying, “I told you so.”
The need to be right and to point that out is extremely seductive. It’s not that being right is inherently flawed. But insisting that one is right emphatically implies that the other person is wrong, and no one wants to be labeled in that way. It’s important to allow one another to save face in all interactions.
Any two people in any conversation will quite likely have different perspectives on the topic being discussed, at times radically different. That makes for a very good conversation in most instances. Being introduced to a new way of seeing a situation is how we learn and grow. But if we are struggling to feel comfortable in our own skin, we may take exception to a viewpoint that puts ours at risk. We may see the other viewpoint as diminishing us and the other person as a bully of sorts. Fortunately, we can learn how to take differing perspectives in stride. Even more than that, we can see them as shortcuts to expanding our own breadth of understanding about how life works.
None of us has every piece of this puzzle called life. But each one of us is supplying different pieces in every conversation we are having. That all the input in each conversation is what expands the minds of every one of us is the greatest gift that results from human interaction. Knowing that we need all this input-all of it-will allow us to refrain from insisting that our input is all that’s valuable.
Needing one another, wholly, is such a blessing. And needing one another never means being more right in any conversation. It means, “thank you for your thoughts.” Nothing more.
December 20 093 Detachment is being able to put yourself at the top of the list of “who needs care.”
Wanting to be helpful to travelers sharing our journey is not simply altruism. It’s kind and appropriate. We are in each other’s life quite intentionally, as has been said before. As the very wise men and women who speak many spiritual philosophies would say, we must give away that which we also want to keep. But caring for others should not preclude making certain we have not forgotten ourselves. Self-care needs to be at the top of one’s list, or we will fail to be present in crucial ways to all who seek our help and attention at any moment along the journey.
There are so many ways we need to care for ourselves. Getting enough rest is mandatory; exercise and healthy eating are necessary, too. Allowing for times alone with God ensures that we will have the focus and energy we need to do what really needs to be done. Having downtime to simply listen to the sounds around us and witness the colors in the landscape will offer us much quiet pleasure from which we can draw the energy needed to then witness the needs of those who walk with us, by intention.
Detaching from others and putting our needs first isn’t selfish. It’s being respectful of ourselves, which then slows us to respect others. We can’t respect others without first meeting our own needs.
Paying attention to our own needs is not selfish, but we may need to be reminded of that with some frequency. Wanting to be present to others is kind and extremely important. It’s also a gift that honors the giver as well as the receiver.
December 21 094 Detachment is letting our friends have whatever kind of day they choose to have.
I wonder if other people struggled as much as I struggled for so many years to simply let others be. Why someone else’s behavior or demeanor affected me so much continues to plague me when I’m in that space of self-doubt. Did I simply misread the normal give-and-take that occurs between two people as evidence that I needed to do something different to make them and me alright and more comfortably in sync, fulfilling a sense of intimacy that I craved?
I don’t really need to answer this question, I’ve decided, but I do need to apply, on a nearly constant basis, what I have come to cherish as the “need to know” rule. How others are behaving is entirely of their own choosing, and if they need input from me, they can ask for it. What they are doing does not reflect on me; it doesn’t mean I am more of less worthy; it doesn’t mean my input is necessary at all. There are two kinds of business, remember: my business and none of my business. There is never confusion about where one’s attention should be. Never.
The “need to know” rule is the best of all shorthands to having a peaceful, free life. Others are on a journey, the intricacies of which we will never understand. And that is as it should be. Our own journey is enough for one mind to handle.
Letting others be is such freedom once we get the full benefit of what it can feel like. It’s not our natural inclination, initially, but it can become so with willingness.
December 22 095 Detachment means acknowledging and even celebrating another’s unique journey.
We aren’t traveling side by side in order to keep tabs on each other, although the impulse to do so may be great. Getting sucked into someone else’s journey is powerful and can become a habitual, always unhealthy response. And it’s never our purpose here to be in charge of someone else. Our own life slides quietly by when we are obsessing over how someone else is living theirs.
Time has been a good teacher for me, however. Time, coupled with the daily application of the principles I learned in Twelve Step rooms-principles that have changed every aspect of how I see my life and how I see the others in my life too-have offered me a freedom and a trust in God as the true orchestrator, not only for my life but for your life too.
Trust is the key word in allowing others to enjoy their own journeys. Believing, as I have come to believe, that no experience is accidental, means I can trust that everyone else’s journey is exactly as it has been ordered to be. And I am not the one who ordered it! My presence on the scene is to acknowledge it, that’s all. This is a big relief, isn’t it? We are where we are, doing what we are doing, appreciating one another as witnesses to the journey. What could be better than that? And what could be more important?
Standing off to the side and appreciating the joy or being present for the sorrow of another person’s life is the most important gift we can ever offer someone. Trusting that wherever we are is the place where we can do this best simplifies our life.
December 23 096 Detachment is no longer “dancing” around someone else’s life.
Wanting to be central to someone else’s life or wanting someone else to be the exclusive core of your life are common traits of the classic codependent. It’s an extremely restrictive way to live, one that doesn’t allow for the kind of spontaneity that is necessary. Dancing around others means we are paying attention primarily to their live, not to our own. We are living in their present moment, not our own.
Most of us do this at some point, maybe even for an extended period of time. But the sooner we see the downside of living another’s person’s present moment and start living our own, the sooner we will discover the real peace and joy we are meant to experience.
We can appreciate the lives that others are experiencing; indeed, that’s honoring them in an important way, and we can even be dance partners in our shared moments. We simply can’t lay aside our own present moments and the lessons contained within them, and expect to live to our fullest potential, an expectation that is ingrained in us and, if ignored, will cause us dis-ease.
It’s not easy to detach, to live only our own life and yet remain a part of the community around us. But we can learn how to respect, appreciate, and honor one another without being subsumed by the dance another person must do. When we discover how easy it is to live alongside our loved ones, we will grow in our appreciation of their moments right along with our own.
Loving the moment we are living right now is the kindest way to spend our life. It will teach us everything we need to know and will give us every opportunity we need to dance the dance that is ours and only ours.
December 24 097 Detachment is no longer needing to assuage anyone else’s anger.
Because I grew up in a household where anger was a dominant theme, I learned to slip away, emotionally and physically, so that I didn’t become the brunt of it. I also became very practiced at trying to relieve the after effects. Although I did come to understand the physic impetus for the anger, my education didn’t come soon enough. Thus, for far too many years I practiced anger myself. We do learn how to be by what we see.
It became second nature to me to either be angry or to try to alleviate someone else’s anger. Either way, the underlying fear I had about living, day to day, was overwhelming. The fireball of anxiety I experienced from childhood until my forties prompted many reactions from me in all my primary relationships, and few of those reactions were pretty. My relationships were fraught with struggle because of my attempts to fix situations, to change a person, or to plead for forgiveness and acceptance. My fear of rejection was all-consuming at times, so I used all these responses interchangeably. As I recount these things from my past, I stand amazed that who I was has become who I now am. That’s the very good news for all of us: we all are works in progress.
Being able to let others have their feelings, regardless of what those feelings are, is perhaps the greatest gift we can offer ourselves on a daily basis. While it’s true that some feelings expressed by others are easier to walk away from than anger, all feelings can be equally accepted if we remember what our real job is: detachment.
Not needing to try to change anyone else allows us far more time to work on the details of our own lives. And that’s quite enough for any one person.
December 25 098 Detachment is being able to claim our own identities.
None of us is beyond being influenced by the presence of others: their traits, their opinions, their speech patterns, even their mannerisms. And there is nothing wrong with adopting some of the characteristics of others as our own. It has been said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But letting the behavior of others determine our own behavior in every respect means we are hollow shells, simply waiting for the presence of others to determine who we will be in the next moment.
It’s not always easy to figure out who we want to be, particularly if we grew up in a family that didn’t encourage self-exploration or self-expression. But it’s never too late to imagine a new kind of life for ourselves, a new kind of commitment for the future we’d like to experience. What will unfold, eventually, is what we expect. Our minds are powerful. We can change how we see our lives as well as how we live them by a simple change of attitude, here and now.
How exciting to realize that no one is holding us back any more but ourselves. If we want to make waves, we can. If we want to depart from who we have been, even for decades, we can. If we want to create an entirely new persona, we have the right to do that too. Our dreams are the only materials we need to fashion a new beginning.
Having a dream for where to go next is the fist major step to getting there. It’s never too late to learn to dream. Never.
December 26 099 Detachment is accepting what we cannot change and changing only what we can.
This principle has a familiar ring to, doesn’t it! It sounds a bit like the Serenity Prayer. Knowing the difference between what we can change and what’s not our business to try to change make the difference between having a peaceful moment or a frustration one. The pull to try to change others can be excruciatingly strong, particularly if we have convinced ourselves that we did it successfully in the past. But we did no such thing. Others might have changed, and they might have done exactly as we’d hoped, but it wasn’t because of us. People change only because they see a benefit in it.
Having assumed success in the past is an unfortunate assumption because it seduces us into continuing our efforts to control the behaviors of others in the present. Everyone becomes frustrated when this is the approach we take in our relationships. Control never bears fruit for long, and it will always cause conflict and pain.
Coming to appreciate the freedom we get when we detach, when we give up the attempt to change others, is not immediate perhaps, but the more we practice looking the other way when others are present, the greater will be our own peace of mind. It comes incrementally. And every peaceful moment will serve as the carrot to lead us to make this choice again and again. Everyone wants to know peace. We can be peacemakers by backing off when our own business isn’t central to the activity before us.
Detachment is the solution to most of our relationship problems. Actually, I am inclined to say all of them, but absolutes can be hard to fathom. Just trust that letting go is the way to go.
December 27 100 Detachment is not taking anyone else’s behavior personally.
Many of us were raised in homes replete with angst and strife, where it was difficult to discern the line between their words and actions and our worthiness. In many instances, there was no line. We were scapegoats for all the problems that surfaced in the family. That characterization may have followed you into relationship after relationship. That’s not unusual. But it’s not how you have to perceive yourself for the rest of your life. Having chosen to read these meditations suggests that if this has been your life story up to now, you are committed to changing it, from this day forward. Hallelujah!
The behavior we experience or observe up close or even from afar need not reflect on us. That’s not an easy idea to internalize, perhaps. I, for one, lived many decades of my life letting others’ behavior dictate who I was and how I should feel. My self-esteem was deplorable. Did others expect me to absorb their outbursts? I don’t think so, but my family of origin had passed on to me that which they had learned from their parents. That’s how the torch gets passed. Another person’s behavior defined them. Period. Taking what they do as an assessment of who we are is missing the entire point of why we are sharing the journey.
We share the journey to learn from one another-to live in concert but not in the shadow of one another. To join our minds in the moment for the sheer joy of connection. That is the main reason to be grateful, in fact. We are here as way-showers and companions. Let’s stick with that and nothing more.
Others do that they do because of who they are and the journey they are on. It’s our opportunity to observe from afar or up close, knowing that we can share a moment and then move on to the next moment and the gift it is waiting to offer.
December 28 101 Detachment is no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Being at the mercy of the many individuals who will cross our path on any single day is simply exhausting. Some people will be kind; with them our interactions will be pleasant. Others will be dismissive. Many will choose not to hear us, regardless of what we are saying, and we fill feel judged. A few will be genuinely grateful that we are sharing their journeys, and their response to us will make us feel appreciated and energized.
Because of these varied responses, however, we must not get caught in the web of letting how anyone receives us determine how we feel or how we might determine our next move. Waiting for anyone to treat us well is like waiting for the sun to come out on a cloudy day. We can’t control the behavior of others. We can decide our own best response to every situation, though, and that means we are free from the effects of life’s uncertainties.
Choosing our own reactions, our own thoughts in every encounter, will empower us to meet any circumstance that comes our way. Getting a taste of empowerment is all it takes for most of us to refrain from allowing the behavior of others to define us. I never thought I could master this tool, but I have. So can you!
There is not a direct correlation between what someone else does and what you and I choose to do. Let’s choose wisely and live more peacefully.
December 29 102 Detachment is letting things rest.
What does it mean to let things rest? I didn’t grasp this principle very quickly. I figured that if I presented my point of view my judgment about anything, in a little different way, I’d be able to convince you that your way of thinking or seeing was faulty, or at the least, not as good as mine. I was often relentless. But no matter how persistent I was, I was not able to make others change. My family continued to favor their own opinions, my husband continued to drink, and my friends simply stayed away.
I’d like to say that now, after years of practicing a new way of living, I always let things rest after a first or second attempt to change someone’s opinion, but that would be dishonest. Sometimes I still persist; occasionally I am still relentless. But I have made progress. That’s all any of us can be certain of when we make the effort to change a behavior. Progress is actually the beginning of anyone’s story of success. I am creating mine. With effort we can all do it.
Letting things rest, surrendering to the Power guiding every one of us, offers such wonderfully relaxing, peaceful moments. Experiencing the joy of this even one a day is sure to convince us that making a practice of it will embolden us, day in and day out, to repeat it again and again.
December 30 103 Detachment is being able to move our minds away from the unhealthy places they want to go.
It’s a thrilling realization to know that we are in control of our minds. For some, this comes as a surprise. Minds just seem to contain information willy-nilly. I, for one, was quite convinced for many years that others had the power to create, maintain, or change the thoughts in my mind. I willingly gave to others power over my mind on a regular basis. If someone looked at me disapprovingly, or didn’t notice me at all, which was more often the case, I was shattered and my self-assessment was rewritten.
The healthiest place for one’s mind to be is on the power and presence of God. Keeping our mind there means we will know the next right thing to say, the next right thing to do, the next right and healthy thing to think. But it’s natural to wonder why our minds even want to dwell in unhealthy places. I think the answer is that the ego is most comfortable there and it has a stranglehold on many of us. The ego’s power to divert us from our true path is only as great as our attention to that voice that hollers angry, negative directives.
There are two voices in our minds: a quiet, loving voice and a loud, generally spiteful voice. The latter will always direct us to the unhealthy place, but we can learn to detach from that voice and to relish the quiet one instead. Prayer will always lead us back to where we want to be.
Prayer is the answer in all stressful situations. We might not get an answer right away, but we will get quiet relief from a mind that is careening out of control. Praise be to God!
December 31 104 Detachment is being able to stop our minds in midthought when the thoughts are not beneficial.
Not being at the mercy of our thoughts is akin to not being at the mercy of the reactions we get from others regarding our thoughts. Our thoughts are what we have created them to be, and it’s foolish to ever say, “I can’t help it, that’s just how I am,” in regard to any thought or situation that has ensnared us. Indeed, we have willingly adopted every thought we harbor.
We are always very much in control of what we say, think, and do. This idea has been expressed time and again in this book, but it bears repeating because we are so quick to give in to the idea that we can’t take charge of who we are becoming. Every thought we entertain is, in fact, molding us into the people we are. We are works in progress, some say, and that’s good: it means we don’t have to be perfect. Simply deciding to monitor our thoughts, to change their focus, and to squash any one of them that doesn’t add to the peace and joy of the world around us is an excellent contribution we might consider making on a daily basis.
There is great joy in the practice of stopping a negative thought midsentence and refocusing it. Not being in its clutches gives us hope for any number of changes we might want to make in our lives. This is a simple place to being; our mind is constantly thinking, after all. And we can be constantly refocusing.
We might all agree that we harbor many not-so-beneficial thoughts. That’s the bad news, perhaps. But the story doesn’t end there, and that’s the good news. We can change our negative thoughts, one and all. Today is a great day to begin the practice.
My experience has been that this is one of the more difficult principles to apply. When others treat us unkindly, as they often do, it’s easy to think we must have done something to deserve it. In fact, maybe we, too, had been unkind first. However, someone’s actions or behavior need not determine how anyone else perceives themselves and then acts. We are “dancing” every moment with our companions, and the smoothness of the dance-or its opposite-will be felt, observed by others and used as the stuff of interpretation for the next move. The dance, be it gentle or diminishing, will continue. Fortunately, we can decide if we want to steer the dance in a new direction.
Thinking of our experiences with others as opportunities to express and accept unconditional love-even when it doesn’t appear to be that-is courageous, mind-altering, and wonderful preparation for every next moment in time. Deciding to believe that everyone’s actions are expressing love or a call for love is what allows for the willingness to accept wherever someone else is on their journey. When we can nurture that, our own journey flourishes. It’s not easy to say, “His actions don’t determine my worth,” but when we make a practice of this (and we can succeed at this task, I assure you), a path to a more loving and intimate future with all companions will become possible.
The dance floor is ours and the dance is of our choosing. Will it be a waltz, a fox-trot, or a ballet? Or will we sit on the sidelines feeling exposed and unchosen? The choice is ours.
December 2 075 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are doing.
A child screaming on an airplane or a mother loudly scolding her child in a grocery store can easily stir up feeling in me. I either want to aid the child, thing I should do something to alleviate the anguish being expressed or I want to get out of the enclosed area immediately. In many cases that’s not possible, and getting involved in the business of a parent and her child, unless the child is being injured, is never appropriate. There is a response that is, however. It’s quiet but ever so effective: it’s prayer. Prayer changes my inner spaces and quiets my mind and can have a positive effect on anyone who might be feeling the frustration of either situation.
Detaching from the chaos of the external world, regardless of the nature of the chaos, is something I have practiced for many years. I applied this tool when mean-spirited people used to wander across my path. I find it rather interesting that since I have learned how to detach, I seldom come into contact with mean-spirited people. I think we discover in others what we expect to find. If I am expecting to be put down or ignored, just possibly that’s the antenna I have extended.
In the give-and-take of our lives, we get what we expect, and it generally matches what we have extended. It puts the responsibility for the life we want squarely in our hands, doesn’t it? But when the unexpected and frustrating do occur, we have a tool bag to use.
Watching others from the sidelines is sometimes best. We need not be involved in much of what’s happening in our midst. Caring about the people present is not the same as acting on their behalf. Let’s make sure we know the difference.
December 3 076 Detachment is taking responsibility for your feelings.
Stomping my foot as a kid, pouting and blaming my brother for whatever I had been caught doing as was being reprimanded for, is a familiar memory. I hated owning up to my shortcomings. Even more, I hated the feeling that I had been caught. I still don’t relish admitting my faults. Perhaps no one does. But allowing for their existence and making restitution when necessary, along with making the decision to change those behaviors that are clearly infringing on the rights of others, does free us from feelings of guilt and shame, rather than letting those characteristics define us completely.
We are never unaware of when we have harmed someone else or stepped over the line in how we responded to them, regardless of our words to the contrary. Simply feeling angry when caught or feeling unfairly treated if corrected is irresponsible and won’t free us to become the persons who already are within us just waiting to be acknowledged.
Detachment is an interesting concept. It doesn’t mean being uncaring. It doesn’t mean being isolated and uninvolved. It means having emotional clarity, showing support where it’s needed, making apologies where necessary, and blaming no one.
Being responsible for our actions and the feelings that accompany them, and nothing more, is enough to focus on each day.
December 4 077 Detachment means no longer harboring thoughts of “attachment.”
Oh, how I longed to be “attached” to someone in my youth, to be on his arm, so to speak! To be chosen as a girlfriend meant that I was popular, that I mattered and was truly special, at least to “him.” Not being attached to someone defined me to others in a way that diminished me, I thought. It saddens me to recall how empty I felt inside back then. It was an emptiness that I ultimately tried to fill with alcohol when having a boyfriend and then a husband didn’t fill me up, but to no avail. And that’s the good news, of course. It was a long journey from there to here, however, a long sometimes very painful journey.
It wasn’t until my late thirties that I began to understand how insidious my need for attachment actually was. Seeing myself only in relationship to others, always defining myself by how I perceived the way that others were perceiving me, meant that my very fragile personae was frequently being fractured by the whimsy of others.
It’s simply not true that most people intentionally hurt us. Our collective thoughtlessness is often what is the root cause of many of the hurts we all experience. But for years I didn’t know this. I assumed I deserved whatever I seemed to be getting. Knowing this, as I now do, and having learned that others’ behavior is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, has allowed me such freedom. Are you sharing in this understanding, at this stage of your life?
Acting as helpmates to one another so that we all have a better understanding of what detachment versus attachment means is a great undertaking. And sharing with one another our experience is the place to begin. That’s what I am trying to do here. And I hope you can see your own progress.
December 5 078 Detachment is no longer feeling unfairly treated.
I have a friend whose little boy seems unusually able to allow other children to do whatever they are doing, even when their actions seem rude and thoughtless, without making a spiteful response. She said he doesn’t come running, crying that kids are being mean. He neither hits nor yells. And he doesn’t seem scared or intimidated. He simply glances at the child who is being mean and then goes on about his own business. It’s as though he has an innate understanding that what others are doing doesn’t have to define him, diminish him or affect him in any way. She says she has even observed him reaching out in an inclusive, kind way to the child who has just been pushy or rude - an act that took her totally by surprise the first time she observed it.
Is Jeffrey’s response to the world around him unique or were we all “Jeffrey’s” until we learned, perhaps at the feet of our parents, to be afraid and retaliatory? Some educators and psychologists say that most behaviors are learned. But might we possibly be born with some qualities that we unlearn as the result of the prompting we get from the adults in our lives? Children certainly observe retaliation every day, on television, in our homes, in the classroom. Might we groove a certain kind of response simply because we see it in others hundreds of times daily? Perhaps we can never know the answer to this, but we can be certain that we can change our responses, at any age, to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
We can decide, once and for all, to never consider ourselves unfairly treated. What happens to us or around us is an opportunity to make an observation, say a prayer, and then move on. What freedom there is in that!
December 6 079 Detachment is keeping your feelings separate from what others are saying and doing.
The freedom to not be shamed, cajoled, or controlled by what anyone else is doing or saying, is one of the gifts I most treasure these days. I didn’t know, for most of my life, that I could live relatively unaffected by what other people were thinking or doing. On the contrary, nearly every word spoken or movement made by anyone within proximity to me tended to decide my fate for that brief few minutes. Who you were and what you said or did defined me!
The awareness that it could ever be different was a long, slow process of learning. It only came in tiny doses, actually. I didn’t receive this gift in one “aha” moment. It came over time and after listening to the wise words of many others who had become my traveling companions on the spiritual path. How grateful I am that we were traveling together, however, and that I am become a willing listener.
Learning to keep our feelings separate from others does not mean ignoring those people who walk among us. In fact, those who walk with us are most often the teachers we have sought. But learning from them what we need to learn does not mean we should be treated poorly or judged in any way. Our lesson is always meant to elevate us, to enlighten us in some way, not to demean us in any way. And the lessons we are here to offer others follow this same pattern. It’s an equal exchange of attention, wisdom, and love. Always.
Letting other be who they need to be and trusting that my God will protect me is my best assurance of not being controlled by the learning curve of others.
December 7 080 Detachment means no longer adjusting our lives to the whims of others.
People change their minds very quickly and oftentimes unexpectedly. That’s human nature. Being able to change when circumstances call for it is good, in fact. It means we are paying attention to the world around us and making choices that better fit our changing circumstances. For instance, if the company one is working for begins to downsize, it is wise to start looking for new work opportunities before the pink slips are handed out.
Allowing for change, whether it is initiated by friends, by strangers, or simply by a situation that involves us, without letting our own focus for the day be completely thrown off kilter or undermined, is a sign of emotional maturity. This is growth we all want to experience. The upheavals all around us, and they are many, for sure, can be observed, learned from, incorporated into our own way of seeing on occasion, and even detached from because nothing, no one or no circumstance, has the capacity to control our sense of self, ever.
In the early decades of my life, I constantly tried to adjust to the whims of significant others, certain it would make me indispensible to them. How wrong I was. We must find our own voice and let it define us. We must find our own Higher Power and let Him guide us. We must trust that with God’s spirit as the unchanging force in our life, we will always be able to handle whatever changes present themselves. This is what has been promised to us.
Where any one of us is right now is where we can best serve others. The changes that are manifest in anyone’s life, whether appreciated or not at the time, will become our opportunities to rely on God to help us see our way. We can be grateful for the whims of others when we see them from this perspective.
December 8 081 Detachment from others can be nurtured by strengthening our “attachment” to our personal hopes and dreams.
Appreciating the dreams of our friends can be one of the best of exchanges between us. It thrills them to be able to share with us what excites them, and it’s one of our greatest gifts to them to be a witness to the sharing of their dream and then to its unfolding. Yet, allowing that dream to belong solely to them and not making it our own too is very important.
We each must cultivate our own dreams. That’s our purpose for being here.
As with so many other lessons in my life, I had to learn this one the hard way. I didn’t have my own dreams as a young woman. What my friends longed for, I wanted too. I figured this was the best way to be a stable, unrejectable part of the group. I carried this assumption into all my relationships throughout school and even into my first marriage. I was desperate to fit into someone else’s dream. It became my dream to figure out theirs, and then adopt it too. My fear of abandonment was exhausting.
With spiritual recovery, however, came a new way of seeing the possibilities for my life, and this included the invitation to have my own hopes and dreams. Initially, I felt ill-equipped for thinking or seeing in a new way. But gradually I learned to turn to a quiet place within where I sought help. And it came. The dreams had been there all along. I took pen to paper, and the rest is history. My life became what it has become as the result of a dream and conversation with God. I know willingness opened the door. And healthy detachment from the needs, the control, and particularly the emotions of others has become my gift. And what a gift it has been.
We all have a dream waiting for us. If you have not discovered yours yet, get quiet close your eyes and seek to see it. It will come into view. It comes when we are ready. This you can trust to be true.
December 9 082 Detachment is not interfering with what another person should do.
Telling others what we think is best for them is a seductive behavior that can become honed into an ingrained habit, and it’s not a habit that enhances our relationships. Even when people ask us for our opinions, we need to be wary. Expressing what has worked for us, in a similar instance, is acceptable perhaps, but taking it any further than this opens us up to criticism when, and if, the suggestion we make backfires, as it most assuredly will some of the time.
We are moving through our daily lives with absolute intention and with people we have specifically selected because of our common interests and necessary lessons. We might misinterpret this to mean we are in charge of one another, but that would be wrong. Our journeys are simply complementary. As learners, we need each other, and one of our greatest lessons is the power that comes as the result of joining together, sharing our dreams, and bearing witness to one another’s struggles and successes. Shared experiences heighten the joyous ones and lessen the painful ones. Coming together in this supportive way readies all of us for the next leg of our journeys, however they may manifest.
We are cheerleaders. We are not bosses. We are not God. We are not here to judge. We are here, sharing this space and time, making one another’s journeys more peaceful.
Showing excitement for each other’s journey is good. But let that be enough. If something more is called for, God will take care of filling the need.
December 10 083 Detachment is refusing to let our interactions with others define us.
This principle has been touched on myriad times but I think it’s of paramount importance, thus it bears repeating. It is simply too easy to let the actions of others control how we feel about ourselves. Many of us have been falling into this trap since childhood. If she smiles, I must be lovable. If he makes eye contact, I have been noticed. When they frown, I am a failure and worthless. Examples of falling into this trap are endless.
What others do and what they say does reveal a great deal, that’s true. But what do these actions really reveal? My observations, coupled with many years of studying human behavior, tell me that what others do and say reflects what they think of themselves In other words, when someone scolds you or me, or attempts to, we can choose to define it as a reflection of the kind of day that person is having. Our self-worth need not be injured by the attack. It’s equally important, however, not to let our self-worth be tied to the positive reactions of others, either. Our self-worth is a gift from God. Period.
Let me assure you that it’s not easy to let the snarls or the criticisms or the obvious avoidance tactics of others go unnoticed. But responding to them isn’t necessary. Even though we may be screaming inside to respond, we can let our desires slide by. We can look on those actions quietly, noting the struggle that he or she must be having, and say a quiet prayer, instead. What a change in behavior this could be, and the real benefit is how much more peaceful we will feel and how much more peaceful the moment will become for all present.
No one else defines us. No one! God gave us worth and value when He created us and we need do nothing to deserve it or claim it. This is a principle that bears frequent repeating.
December 11 084 Detachment means no longer needing to be in charge of anything, not even our own lives.
I have heard it said many times in many spiritual circles that we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we need to be doing at any moment in time. This isn’t an easy principle to consistently live by, particularly if we are going through a difficult patch of experiences. But thinking that my plan for how my life should unfold is the right plan, the only conceivable plan, has been proven wrong many times over the years. Fortunately! If my plan had succeeded, on any number of occasions, I would not be sitting here now sharing these words with you. I’d have been buried long ago. It’s as simple as that.
Allowing ourselves the luxury of becoming what God intended is so much more peaceful than trying to force situations whose time has not come. The freedom to let life simply be whatever it will be in this moment gives us a lot of extra time to smile at strangers, to lend a helping hand to others, to watch children running down the street, and to appreciate the birds chirping as we take that early morning walk.
Allowing life to simply be doesn’t mean we stand idly by. On the contrary, it means we honor those directions we feel God is sending us. We listen to those words of guidance we feel are directing our way, making sure that no matter what we do in any given moment, we are not causing harm to someone else. Letting go of our attachment to how our life should unfold is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.
We can trust in God’s direction. Trying to be in charge of the unfolding of our life will simply hinder the journey, throw the outcome off course, and prevent the growth we are ready for now.
December 12 085 Detachment is not disinterest, but that might be the first step.
The concept of detachment is generally not easily grasped. When I first heard the word, I was mystified. People told me I needed to “detach” from the troubling circumstances in my life and detach, as well, from the people I felt were causing me such grief. I wondered how I’d ever be able to change them if I detached from them. That, of course, was the whole point; we can’t change others. We can’t control the outcomes of the situations we are a part of. Learning how to fully detach requires a long and arduous learning curve. Staying on the learning path, regardless of how long it takes to grasp the freedom of detachment, becomes its own reward.
As has already been suggested, we won’t learn how to detach on the first try, not even on the one-hundredth try. But we will make progress, and fleeting moments of peace will be our reward. I practiced disinterest before I was able to grasp how to detach. Detachment and disinterest are not the same, of course, but to the onlooker, the witness, they appear to be the same, I needed to act as if I were detaching even when I was still very emotionally charged up by the people or circumstances around me. I needed to prove to myself and others that I could let them be, that I could let be everything that involved others. And after a time, I began to like the feeling of letting go. Eventually, I cherished the moments of turning away rather than holding on to the many people I had previously sought to control.
Being willing to practice baby steps of detachment is necessary. And having others witness our efforts is what keeps us on the path of this phenomenal exercise in discovering freedom.
December 13 086 Detachment means no longer leading others’ lives.
Walking through life with others is one of the many blessings on this journey. But we must also make our own plans and follow our own path rather than blindly following in the footsteps of others. Learning this can be a bit distressing initially. Perhaps we assumed that those who walked with us were there on a mission and we rather liked their input. Their presence freed us from figuring out our own lives.
But turning the reigns over to others prevents us from claiming our own opportunities. We won’t become who God had intended for us to be if we are listening to voices other than His. When we don’t know who we are, and until we have discovered our own very specific purpose here, we’ll flounder and fail to have the impact we could be having on the others we walk among every day.
The desire to be attached to others is not unnatural. As children we attach to our mothers for the first few years. As we begin to mature, but before we develop our own sense of self, we often find ourselves drawn too tightly to the people who have wandered our way and stayed a while. That’s a normal response. But break away we must. We owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, even to the strangers among us. Each one of us must travel our own unique, though complementary, path. Only in this way can we add true benefit to the world around us. Only in this way can we fulfill the will that is God’s.
Giving to those we walk among is why we are here. Making sure we give what is ours to give and not trying to give that which specifically belongs to others is crucial. Each one of us is necessary to the completion of the journey.
December 14 087 Detachment is respecting the boundaries between yourself and others.
The first time I heard people talking about the importance of having boundaries was in a Twelve Step meeting, and I was pretty confused. It was a term I was unfamiliar with, and even as I heard people share, I didn’t understand their terminology or what they were distressed about. To me, a boundary meant something physical, like the hedges that separated the properties in many neighborhoods. But I knew this wasn’t the meaning they were referring to.
After listening to members of the group talk for the whole hour, I was finally able to glimpse that my life was being sabotaged by the unclear boundaries between me and others. I realized that this was how I had always lived, in fact. I left the meeting not knowing if I would or should return.
I had never sought boundaries before this time. I had preferred enmeshment, actually. It meant you needed me, that I was the center of your life. Boundaries meant we were unnecessary to each other, and I was terrified of being unnecessary. That was how my life had felt for decades, and I had tried for years to deaden the pain of being invisible. My lack of success was what brought me into the very Twelve Step meeting where I heard about boundaries for the first time. The dilemma was unavoidable; I wanted to live without pain, but how!
I look back on this first meeting as God’s answer to my search for freedom from the pain that had haunted me for years. We are always being led to the place where wisdom awaits us if we believe in the possibility that there is a solution that’s perfect for us.
I believe that respecting the boundaries between us is what actually allows us to come together in ways that really matter. We are students and teachers
interchangeably, but we must not blur the lines between us.
December 15 088 Detachment is freedom from the desire to get someone back.
There are many reasons we may want to verbally attack someone. Perhaps we felt put down or embarrassed by something a co-worker said to us or about us when we were not present. Or a friend quite unexpectedly excluded us from an event she was planning that included all our mutual friends. Maybe we got wind of a rumor that was being spread about us, a vicious one in fact, and wholly untrue. In all these instances and many more, the urge to get back at the person who nailed us is powerful. Our ego is easily engaged by the ego attack of another. Accepting that this is a normal reaction is important. However, we don’t want to stay in that frame of mind. This is even more important.
As children we are quick to fight back. Perhaps we are even encouraged to do so. Many parents push their children to be tough and to stand up to the classroom bully. It’s not an easy lesson to learn that what we may have had to do in childhood to survive is not what we need to do as adults. Allowing others to have their say, regardless of what it is and knowing that it doesn’t define us, is freedom at its finest. We don’t get to that awareness immediately. It generally takes many experiences with multiple people too see that letting someone have their say, whatever it may be, is far more pleasant than doing battle with them. Letting others think whatever they want to think, or do whatever they want to do, are marvelous gifts to us. Being unburdened by the need to interact over every little experience that comes our way gives us so much extra time to simply enjoy being alive.
It’s the little freedoms that count the most as we age, and this is one of them. Enjoy it to the fullest.
December 16 089 Detachment is the freedom not to be angry or sad.
Many would argue that we can’t keep our feelings separate from the actions of others or the circumstances that have befallen us. I am certainly not trying to convince you that this is an easy task, but it is doable. While I admit it has taken me hundreds of practice sessions, and the willingness, again and again, to look the other way, to turn a deaf ear, to let others have their own meltdowns and ego attacks without me getting ensnared, it is possible. And it feels so good when we succeed!
Accepting our powerlessness over the behavior of others isn’t easy. We think, If only I’d said it this way. Or perhaps, If only I had made that special dinner or brought flowers first. We get fooled into thinking that if we do something differently, we might get the object of our attention to do something differently, too. Alas, that’s never going to happen, unless by accident. People do what they do. Period! Our good fortune is to learn how empowered we feel when we let them!
Awaking each morning, being grateful to know that we can have the kind of day we want, is one of the gifts of embracing a spiritual program. Relieving ourselves of the burden of trying to make others conform to our wishes is a gift we can gladly unwrap a day at a time.
Today promises to be a happy one, regardless of what others are doing, if we are attending to our own business and no one else’s.
December 17 090 Detachment is giving up control, even the thought of it!
We are so practiced at trying to control others. We learn to be very subtle, certain that others can’t deter our efforts. But they can. I was a master at control. I thought. But all I was really a master at was frustrating others and then myself too with my lack of success. I was slow to learn that my attempts to control were the result of my insecurities. I didn’t want to admit to being insecure; I thought it made me boring. How could I be the one you wanted to be with if I was boring? I was a very sick puppy until I finally found freedom from my obsession to control those around me.
The freedom I finally found took years of diligence to realize. That’s the not-so-good news. It doesn’t happen quickly, but it will happen. Yet, vigilance will always be necessary. I have come to believe that if I had mastered letting go of control in the first attempt, I wouldn’t have appreciated, nearly so much, the relief I eventually enjoyed. But we get only a daily reprieve from the obsession to control. The Serenity Prayer, with its suggestions to accept those things we cannot change, is the moment’s reminder that sets our mind straight.
Whenever your focus is on what others are doing, pause. Take a deep breath. Are you minding their business? Are you about to say something that’s better left unsaid? Is it time to back off and refocus on the only business that matters, yours? Even the thought that others should be doing something different is a red flag. The time we have to do what needs to be done by us will expand greatly when we allow others to live their own lives while we attend to ours.
We will be able to care so much more about the things that really matter in our own lives when we let other people attend to that which matters to them. Freeing our minds offers so many unexpected gifts, the first of which is peace.
December 18 091 Detachment is not letting anyone else decide how you feel.
Everyone else decided how I felt for much of the first forty years of my life. It’s embarrassing to admit this, and seeing it in print is even more discomfiting. But I can’t escape who I was. Owning who we are, or were, throughout our lifetime is necessary if we want to embrace becoming someone who has another set of characteristics. Few of us will choose to stay as we were as youngsters for our entire lives; however, many of us will fear making changes of any consequence as adults. I definitely fell into this category.
I still remember so clearly trying to guess what was in someone else’s mind so what was in mine could mirror it. This way I was certain to be in that person’s favor. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be, other than a shadow of someone else. Was I always this way? I really don’t know. I do have a glimmering of having dreams for myself as a young girl, dreams that didn’t rely on others. I wrote short stories and plays in elementary school in which I solved mysteries and discovered clues no one else could find. I don’t know where that girl went, but by junior high she was gone. From then on, I got quiet and tried to fit in. That’s all. And I hoped others would not reject me. If the people around me didn’t show warm approval, I was crushed. The pain of that period was daunting, but during that time I finally learned to turn to God, and that was the lesson I needed.
I look back over my life, as you do yours, no doubt, and wonder how I got from there to here. But I know, as do you, that where we are now is where our next lessons lie. We don’t have to be afraid. Our lessons have waited for us, and we can handle whatever comes. We always did and we always will.
No longer does anyone else have the power to control how I feel. The same is true for you. We get to decide that for ourselves. Isn’t this a great and wonderful gift?
December 19 092 Detachment is freedom from saying, “I told you so.”
The need to be right and to point that out is extremely seductive. It’s not that being right is inherently flawed. But insisting that one is right emphatically implies that the other person is wrong, and no one wants to be labeled in that way. It’s important to allow one another to save face in all interactions.
Any two people in any conversation will quite likely have different perspectives on the topic being discussed, at times radically different. That makes for a very good conversation in most instances. Being introduced to a new way of seeing a situation is how we learn and grow. But if we are struggling to feel comfortable in our own skin, we may take exception to a viewpoint that puts ours at risk. We may see the other viewpoint as diminishing us and the other person as a bully of sorts. Fortunately, we can learn how to take differing perspectives in stride. Even more than that, we can see them as shortcuts to expanding our own breadth of understanding about how life works.
None of us has every piece of this puzzle called life. But each one of us is supplying different pieces in every conversation we are having. That all the input in each conversation is what expands the minds of every one of us is the greatest gift that results from human interaction. Knowing that we need all this input-all of it-will allow us to refrain from insisting that our input is all that’s valuable.
Needing one another, wholly, is such a blessing. And needing one another never means being more right in any conversation. It means, “thank you for your thoughts.” Nothing more.
December 20 093 Detachment is being able to put yourself at the top of the list of “who needs care.”
Wanting to be helpful to travelers sharing our journey is not simply altruism. It’s kind and appropriate. We are in each other’s life quite intentionally, as has been said before. As the very wise men and women who speak many spiritual philosophies would say, we must give away that which we also want to keep. But caring for others should not preclude making certain we have not forgotten ourselves. Self-care needs to be at the top of one’s list, or we will fail to be present in crucial ways to all who seek our help and attention at any moment along the journey.
There are so many ways we need to care for ourselves. Getting enough rest is mandatory; exercise and healthy eating are necessary, too. Allowing for times alone with God ensures that we will have the focus and energy we need to do what really needs to be done. Having downtime to simply listen to the sounds around us and witness the colors in the landscape will offer us much quiet pleasure from which we can draw the energy needed to then witness the needs of those who walk with us, by intention.
Detaching from others and putting our needs first isn’t selfish. It’s being respectful of ourselves, which then slows us to respect others. We can’t respect others without first meeting our own needs.
Paying attention to our own needs is not selfish, but we may need to be reminded of that with some frequency. Wanting to be present to others is kind and extremely important. It’s also a gift that honors the giver as well as the receiver.
December 21 094 Detachment is letting our friends have whatever kind of day they choose to have.
I wonder if other people struggled as much as I struggled for so many years to simply let others be. Why someone else’s behavior or demeanor affected me so much continues to plague me when I’m in that space of self-doubt. Did I simply misread the normal give-and-take that occurs between two people as evidence that I needed to do something different to make them and me alright and more comfortably in sync, fulfilling a sense of intimacy that I craved?
I don’t really need to answer this question, I’ve decided, but I do need to apply, on a nearly constant basis, what I have come to cherish as the “need to know” rule. How others are behaving is entirely of their own choosing, and if they need input from me, they can ask for it. What they are doing does not reflect on me; it doesn’t mean I am more of less worthy; it doesn’t mean my input is necessary at all. There are two kinds of business, remember: my business and none of my business. There is never confusion about where one’s attention should be. Never.
The “need to know” rule is the best of all shorthands to having a peaceful, free life. Others are on a journey, the intricacies of which we will never understand. And that is as it should be. Our own journey is enough for one mind to handle.
Letting others be is such freedom once we get the full benefit of what it can feel like. It’s not our natural inclination, initially, but it can become so with willingness.
December 22 095 Detachment means acknowledging and even celebrating another’s unique journey.
We aren’t traveling side by side in order to keep tabs on each other, although the impulse to do so may be great. Getting sucked into someone else’s journey is powerful and can become a habitual, always unhealthy response. And it’s never our purpose here to be in charge of someone else. Our own life slides quietly by when we are obsessing over how someone else is living theirs.
Time has been a good teacher for me, however. Time, coupled with the daily application of the principles I learned in Twelve Step rooms-principles that have changed every aspect of how I see my life and how I see the others in my life too-have offered me a freedom and a trust in God as the true orchestrator, not only for my life but for your life too.
Trust is the key word in allowing others to enjoy their own journeys. Believing, as I have come to believe, that no experience is accidental, means I can trust that everyone else’s journey is exactly as it has been ordered to be. And I am not the one who ordered it! My presence on the scene is to acknowledge it, that’s all. This is a big relief, isn’t it? We are where we are, doing what we are doing, appreciating one another as witnesses to the journey. What could be better than that? And what could be more important?
Standing off to the side and appreciating the joy or being present for the sorrow of another person’s life is the most important gift we can ever offer someone. Trusting that wherever we are is the place where we can do this best simplifies our life.
December 23 096 Detachment is no longer “dancing” around someone else’s life.
Wanting to be central to someone else’s life or wanting someone else to be the exclusive core of your life are common traits of the classic codependent. It’s an extremely restrictive way to live, one that doesn’t allow for the kind of spontaneity that is necessary. Dancing around others means we are paying attention primarily to their live, not to our own. We are living in their present moment, not our own.
Most of us do this at some point, maybe even for an extended period of time. But the sooner we see the downside of living another’s person’s present moment and start living our own, the sooner we will discover the real peace and joy we are meant to experience.
We can appreciate the lives that others are experiencing; indeed, that’s honoring them in an important way, and we can even be dance partners in our shared moments. We simply can’t lay aside our own present moments and the lessons contained within them, and expect to live to our fullest potential, an expectation that is ingrained in us and, if ignored, will cause us dis-ease.
It’s not easy to detach, to live only our own life and yet remain a part of the community around us. But we can learn how to respect, appreciate, and honor one another without being subsumed by the dance another person must do. When we discover how easy it is to live alongside our loved ones, we will grow in our appreciation of their moments right along with our own.
Loving the moment we are living right now is the kindest way to spend our life. It will teach us everything we need to know and will give us every opportunity we need to dance the dance that is ours and only ours.
December 24 097 Detachment is no longer needing to assuage anyone else’s anger.
Because I grew up in a household where anger was a dominant theme, I learned to slip away, emotionally and physically, so that I didn’t become the brunt of it. I also became very practiced at trying to relieve the after effects. Although I did come to understand the physic impetus for the anger, my education didn’t come soon enough. Thus, for far too many years I practiced anger myself. We do learn how to be by what we see.
It became second nature to me to either be angry or to try to alleviate someone else’s anger. Either way, the underlying fear I had about living, day to day, was overwhelming. The fireball of anxiety I experienced from childhood until my forties prompted many reactions from me in all my primary relationships, and few of those reactions were pretty. My relationships were fraught with struggle because of my attempts to fix situations, to change a person, or to plead for forgiveness and acceptance. My fear of rejection was all-consuming at times, so I used all these responses interchangeably. As I recount these things from my past, I stand amazed that who I was has become who I now am. That’s the very good news for all of us: we all are works in progress.
Being able to let others have their feelings, regardless of what those feelings are, is perhaps the greatest gift we can offer ourselves on a daily basis. While it’s true that some feelings expressed by others are easier to walk away from than anger, all feelings can be equally accepted if we remember what our real job is: detachment.
Not needing to try to change anyone else allows us far more time to work on the details of our own lives. And that’s quite enough for any one person.
December 25 098 Detachment is being able to claim our own identities.
None of us is beyond being influenced by the presence of others: their traits, their opinions, their speech patterns, even their mannerisms. And there is nothing wrong with adopting some of the characteristics of others as our own. It has been said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But letting the behavior of others determine our own behavior in every respect means we are hollow shells, simply waiting for the presence of others to determine who we will be in the next moment.
It’s not always easy to figure out who we want to be, particularly if we grew up in a family that didn’t encourage self-exploration or self-expression. But it’s never too late to imagine a new kind of life for ourselves, a new kind of commitment for the future we’d like to experience. What will unfold, eventually, is what we expect. Our minds are powerful. We can change how we see our lives as well as how we live them by a simple change of attitude, here and now.
How exciting to realize that no one is holding us back any more but ourselves. If we want to make waves, we can. If we want to depart from who we have been, even for decades, we can. If we want to create an entirely new persona, we have the right to do that too. Our dreams are the only materials we need to fashion a new beginning.
Having a dream for where to go next is the fist major step to getting there. It’s never too late to learn to dream. Never.
December 26 099 Detachment is accepting what we cannot change and changing only what we can.
This principle has a familiar ring to, doesn’t it! It sounds a bit like the Serenity Prayer. Knowing the difference between what we can change and what’s not our business to try to change make the difference between having a peaceful moment or a frustration one. The pull to try to change others can be excruciatingly strong, particularly if we have convinced ourselves that we did it successfully in the past. But we did no such thing. Others might have changed, and they might have done exactly as we’d hoped, but it wasn’t because of us. People change only because they see a benefit in it.
Having assumed success in the past is an unfortunate assumption because it seduces us into continuing our efforts to control the behaviors of others in the present. Everyone becomes frustrated when this is the approach we take in our relationships. Control never bears fruit for long, and it will always cause conflict and pain.
Coming to appreciate the freedom we get when we detach, when we give up the attempt to change others, is not immediate perhaps, but the more we practice looking the other way when others are present, the greater will be our own peace of mind. It comes incrementally. And every peaceful moment will serve as the carrot to lead us to make this choice again and again. Everyone wants to know peace. We can be peacemakers by backing off when our own business isn’t central to the activity before us.
Detachment is the solution to most of our relationship problems. Actually, I am inclined to say all of them, but absolutes can be hard to fathom. Just trust that letting go is the way to go.
December 27 100 Detachment is not taking anyone else’s behavior personally.
Many of us were raised in homes replete with angst and strife, where it was difficult to discern the line between their words and actions and our worthiness. In many instances, there was no line. We were scapegoats for all the problems that surfaced in the family. That characterization may have followed you into relationship after relationship. That’s not unusual. But it’s not how you have to perceive yourself for the rest of your life. Having chosen to read these meditations suggests that if this has been your life story up to now, you are committed to changing it, from this day forward. Hallelujah!
The behavior we experience or observe up close or even from afar need not reflect on us. That’s not an easy idea to internalize, perhaps. I, for one, lived many decades of my life letting others’ behavior dictate who I was and how I should feel. My self-esteem was deplorable. Did others expect me to absorb their outbursts? I don’t think so, but my family of origin had passed on to me that which they had learned from their parents. That’s how the torch gets passed. Another person’s behavior defined them. Period. Taking what they do as an assessment of who we are is missing the entire point of why we are sharing the journey.
We share the journey to learn from one another-to live in concert but not in the shadow of one another. To join our minds in the moment for the sheer joy of connection. That is the main reason to be grateful, in fact. We are here as way-showers and companions. Let’s stick with that and nothing more.
Others do that they do because of who they are and the journey they are on. It’s our opportunity to observe from afar or up close, knowing that we can share a moment and then move on to the next moment and the gift it is waiting to offer.
December 28 101 Detachment is no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Being at the mercy of the many individuals who will cross our path on any single day is simply exhausting. Some people will be kind; with them our interactions will be pleasant. Others will be dismissive. Many will choose not to hear us, regardless of what we are saying, and we fill feel judged. A few will be genuinely grateful that we are sharing their journeys, and their response to us will make us feel appreciated and energized.
Because of these varied responses, however, we must not get caught in the web of letting how anyone receives us determine how we feel or how we might determine our next move. Waiting for anyone to treat us well is like waiting for the sun to come out on a cloudy day. We can’t control the behavior of others. We can decide our own best response to every situation, though, and that means we are free from the effects of life’s uncertainties.
Choosing our own reactions, our own thoughts in every encounter, will empower us to meet any circumstance that comes our way. Getting a taste of empowerment is all it takes for most of us to refrain from allowing the behavior of others to define us. I never thought I could master this tool, but I have. So can you!
There is not a direct correlation between what someone else does and what you and I choose to do. Let’s choose wisely and live more peacefully.
December 29 102 Detachment is letting things rest.
What does it mean to let things rest? I didn’t grasp this principle very quickly. I figured that if I presented my point of view my judgment about anything, in a little different way, I’d be able to convince you that your way of thinking or seeing was faulty, or at the least, not as good as mine. I was often relentless. But no matter how persistent I was, I was not able to make others change. My family continued to favor their own opinions, my husband continued to drink, and my friends simply stayed away.
I’d like to say that now, after years of practicing a new way of living, I always let things rest after a first or second attempt to change someone’s opinion, but that would be dishonest. Sometimes I still persist; occasionally I am still relentless. But I have made progress. That’s all any of us can be certain of when we make the effort to change a behavior. Progress is actually the beginning of anyone’s story of success. I am creating mine. With effort we can all do it.
Letting things rest, surrendering to the Power guiding every one of us, offers such wonderfully relaxing, peaceful moments. Experiencing the joy of this even one a day is sure to convince us that making a practice of it will embolden us, day in and day out, to repeat it again and again.
December 30 103 Detachment is being able to move our minds away from the unhealthy places they want to go.
It’s a thrilling realization to know that we are in control of our minds. For some, this comes as a surprise. Minds just seem to contain information willy-nilly. I, for one, was quite convinced for many years that others had the power to create, maintain, or change the thoughts in my mind. I willingly gave to others power over my mind on a regular basis. If someone looked at me disapprovingly, or didn’t notice me at all, which was more often the case, I was shattered and my self-assessment was rewritten.
The healthiest place for one’s mind to be is on the power and presence of God. Keeping our mind there means we will know the next right thing to say, the next right thing to do, the next right and healthy thing to think. But it’s natural to wonder why our minds even want to dwell in unhealthy places. I think the answer is that the ego is most comfortable there and it has a stranglehold on many of us. The ego’s power to divert us from our true path is only as great as our attention to that voice that hollers angry, negative directives.
There are two voices in our minds: a quiet, loving voice and a loud, generally spiteful voice. The latter will always direct us to the unhealthy place, but we can learn to detach from that voice and to relish the quiet one instead. Prayer will always lead us back to where we want to be.
Prayer is the answer in all stressful situations. We might not get an answer right away, but we will get quiet relief from a mind that is careening out of control. Praise be to God!
December 31 104 Detachment is being able to stop our minds in midthought when the thoughts are not beneficial.
Not being at the mercy of our thoughts is akin to not being at the mercy of the reactions we get from others regarding our thoughts. Our thoughts are what we have created them to be, and it’s foolish to ever say, “I can’t help it, that’s just how I am,” in regard to any thought or situation that has ensnared us. Indeed, we have willingly adopted every thought we harbor.
We are always very much in control of what we say, think, and do. This idea has been expressed time and again in this book, but it bears repeating because we are so quick to give in to the idea that we can’t take charge of who we are becoming. Every thought we entertain is, in fact, molding us into the people we are. We are works in progress, some say, and that’s good: it means we don’t have to be perfect. Simply deciding to monitor our thoughts, to change their focus, and to squash any one of them that doesn’t add to the peace and joy of the world around us is an excellent contribution we might consider making on a daily basis.
There is great joy in the practice of stopping a negative thought midsentence and refocusing it. Not being in its clutches gives us hope for any number of changes we might want to make in our lives. This is a simple place to being; our mind is constantly thinking, after all. And we can be constantly refocusing.
We might all agree that we harbor many not-so-beneficial thoughts. That’s the bad news, perhaps. But the story doesn’t end there, and that’s the good news. We can change our negative thoughts, one and all. Today is a great day to begin the practice.
