CODEPENDENCY
FEB 1 Step Two Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step Two
We come to believe in a better life through the powerful gift of other people---hearing them, seeing them, watching the gift of recovery at work in their lives.
There is a Power greater than ourselves. There is real hope now that things can and will be different and better for us and our life.
We are not in a “do it ourselves” program. We do not have to exert willpower to change. We do not have to force our recovery to happen. We do not have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps just so we believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves----one who will get the job done in our life. God will do for us what your greatest and most diligent efforts could not accomplish.
God will restore us to a sane and beneficial life. All we do is believe.
Look. Watch. See the people around you. See the healing they have found. Then discover your own faith, your own healing.
Today, regardless of my circumstances, I will believe to the best of my ability that God can and will restore me to a peaceful, sane way of living. Then I will relax and let God do that.
FEB 2 Trusting Our Higher Power Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. Step 3
So much talk about God. So much joy as we come to understand Him. Spirituality and spiritual growth are the foundations of change. Recovery from codependency is not a do-it-yourself task.
Is God a relentless taskmaster? A hard-hearted, shaming wizard with tricks up the sleeve? Is God deaf? Uncaring? Haphazard? Unforgiving?
No. He is a loving and caring God. He is the God of our recovery.
No more pain than is necessary for usefulness, healing, and cleansing. As much goodness and joy as our heart can hold, as soon as our heart is healed, open, and ready to receive. God: approving, accepting, and instantly forgiving.
God has planned little gifts along the way to brighten our day, and sometimes big, delightful surprises-----perfectly timed, perfect for us.
A master artist, God will weave together all our joy, sadness, and experience to create a portrait of our life with depth, beauty, sensitivity, color, humor, and feeling.
God: A Loving God. The God of our recovery.
Today, I will open myself to the care of a loving God. Then, I will let God show me love.
FEB 3 Rejecting Shame Shame can be a powerful force in our life. It is the trademark of dysfunctional families.
Authentic, legitimate guilt is the feeling or thought that what we did is not okay. It indicates that our behavior needs to be corrected or altered, or an amend needs to be made. Shame is an overwhelming negative sense that who we are is not okay. Shame is a no-win situation. We can change our behaviors, but we can’t change who we are. Shame can propel us deeper into self-defeating and sometimes self-destructive behaviors.
What are the things that can cause us to feel shame? We may feel ashamed when we have a problem or someone we love has a problem. We may feel ashamed for making mistakes for succeeding. We may feel ashamed about certain feelings or thoughts. We may feel ashamed when we have fun, feel good, or are vulnerable enough to show ourselves to others. Some of us feel ashamed just for being.
Shame is a spell others put on us to control us, to keep us playing our part in dysfunctional systems. It is a spell many of us have learned to put on ourselves.
Learning to reject shame can change the quality of our life.
It is okay to be who we are. We are good enough. Our feelings are okay. Our past is okay. It’s okay to have problems, make mistakes, and struggle to find our path. It’s okay to be human and cherish our humanness.
Accepting ourselves is the first step toward recovery. Letting go of shame about who we are is the next important step.
Today, I will watch for signs that I have fallen into shame’s trap. If I get hooked into shame, I will get myself out of accepting myself and affirming that it is okay to be who I am.
FEB 4 Enjoying Recovery What a journey! This process of growth and change takes us along an ever changing road.
Sometimes the way is hard and craggy. Sometimes we climb mountains.
Sometimes we slide down the other side on a toboggan.
Sometimes we rest.
Sometimes we grope through the darkness. Sometimes we’re blinded by sunlight.
At times many may walk with us on the road; sometimes we feel nearly alone.
Ever changing, always interesting, always leading someplace better, someplace good.
What a journey!
Today, God, help me relax and enjoy the scenery. Help me know I’m right where I need to be on my journey.
FEB 5 Financial Responsibility We are responsible for ourselves financially.
What a frightening, grown-up thought that is for many of us--- taking responsibility for money and our financial affairs. For many of us, handing over responsibility for our financial affairs has been part of a codependent trade-off in our relationships.
Some of our emotional dependency on others, on this tight tie that binds us to others, not in love, but in need and desperation, is directly related to financial dependency. Our fears and reluctance to take responsibility for our financial affairs can be a barrier to the freedom we are seeking in recovery.
Financial responsibility is an attitude. Money goes out to pay for necessities and luxuries. Money must come in, in order to go out. How much needs to come in to equal that which is going out?
Taxes.......savings plans.......appropriate spending habits that demonstrate an attitude of financial responsibility.......Part of being alive means learning to handle money.
Even if we have a healthy contract with someone that allows us to depend on him or her for money, we still need to understand how money works.
We still need to adopt an attitude of financial responsibility for ourselves. Even if we have a contract with someone else to provide for our financial needs, we need to understand the workings of the money earned and spent in our life.
Self-esteem will increase when we increase our sense of being financially responsible for ourselves. We can start where we are, with what we have today.
God, help me become willing to let go of my fears and reluctance to face the necessary parts of handling money responsibly in my life. Show me the lessons I need to learn about money.
FEB 6 Stopping Victimization Before recovery, many of us lacked a frame of reference with which to name the victimization and abuse in our life. We may have thought it was normal that people mistreated us. We may have believed we deserved mistreatment; we may have been attracted to people who mistreated us.
We need to let go, on a deeper level, of our need to be victimized and to be victims. We need to let go of our need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systems at work, in love, in family relationships, in friendships. We deserve better. We deserve much better. It is our right. When we believe in our right to happiness, we will have happiness.
We will fight for that right, and the fight will emerge from our souls. Break free from oppression and victimization.
Today, I will liberate myself by letting go of my need to be a victim, and I will explore my freedom to take care of myself. That liberation will not take me further away from people I love. It will bring me closer to people and more in harmony with God’s plan for my life.
FEB 7 Owning Our Power We need to make a distinction between powerlessness and owning our power. The first step in recovery is accepting powerlessness. There are some things we can’t do, no matter how long or hard we try. These things include changing other people, solving their problems, and controlling their behavior. Sometimes, we feel powerless over ourselves---what we feel or believe, or the effects of a particular situation or person on us.
It’s important to surrender to powerlessness, but it’s equally important to own our power. We are not trapped. We aren't helpless. Sometimes it may feel like we are, but we aren't. We each have the God-given power, and the right, to take care of ourselves in any circumstance, and with any person.
The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others and allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right and responsibility.
Let the Power come to walk that path.
Today, I will remember that I can take care of myself. I have choices, and I can exercise the options I choose without guilt.
FEB 8 Letting Go of Guilt Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we are off course. Then its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life.
Now we know that we don’t have to feel guilty. Even if we’ve done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
FEB 9 Letting Go In Love When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you---they are saying they don’t love themselves.-----Codependent No More
Gentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can’t afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we’ve removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our ways, is a gentle one, walked in love-- love for self, love for others. Set boundaries. Detach.
Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible, God, let me be gentle with myself and others.
Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interest, and love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
FEB 10 Letting Go of Sadness A block to joy and love can be unresolved sadness from the past.
In the past, we told ourselves many things to deny the
pain: It doesn’t hurt that much..........Maybe if I just wait, things will change........It’s no big deal. I can get through this.........Maybe if I try to change the other person, I won’t have to change myself.
We denied that it hurt because we didn’t want to feel the pain.
Unfinished business doesn’t go away. It keeps repeating itself, until it gets our attention, until we feel it, deal with it, and heal. That’s one lesson we are learning in recovery from codependency and adult children issues.
Many of us didn’t have the tools, support, or safety we needed to acknowledge and accept pain in our past.
It’s okay. We’re safe now. Slowly, carefully, we can begin to open ourselves up to our feelings. We can begin the process of feeling what we have denied so long------not to blame, not to shame, but to heal ourselves in preparation for a better life.
It’s okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release those feelings.
Grief is a cleansing process. It’s an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future----a future free of sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
God, as I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings. Today, help me know that I don’t have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery. Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally in a manageable way.
FEB 11 Divinely Led Send me the right thought, word, or action. Show me what my next step should be. In times of doubt and indecision, please send Your inspiration and guidance. Alcoholics Anonymous
The good news of surrendering ourselves and our life to God is that we come into harmony with a Grand Plan, one greater than we can imagine.
We are promised Divine Guidance if we ask for it, if we work the Twelve Steps. What greater gift could we receive than knowing our thoughts, words, and actions are being directed?
We are not a mistake. And we do not have to control or repress ourselves or others for life to work out. Even the strange, the unplanned, the painful, and those things we call errors can evolve into harmony.
We will be guided into understanding what we need to take care of ourselves.
We will begin to trust our instincts, our feelings, our thoughts. We will know when to go, to stop, to wait. We will learn a great truth: the plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us.
I pray today and each day that my thoughts, words, and actions may be Divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence, knowing my steps are guided.
FEB 12 Letting Go Of Those Not in Recovery We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark.
We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.
Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both; we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.
We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey.
We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love.
The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.
Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come, some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave other behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I’m meant to be.
FEB 13 Trusting Ourselves
What a great gift we’ve been given-----ourselves. To listen to ourselves, to trust instinct and intuition, is to pay tribute to that gift.
What a disservice not to heed the leadings and leanings that so naturally arise from within. When will we learn that these leadings and leanings draw us into God’s rich plan for us?
We will learn. We will learn by listening, trusting, and following through.
What is it time to do?.......What do I need to do to take care of myself?........What am I being led to do?.........What do I know?
Listen, and we will know. Listen to the voice within.
Today, I will listen and trust. I will be helped to take action when that is needed. I can trust myself and God.
FEB 14 Valentine’s Day For children, Valentine’s Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air.
How different Valentine’s Day can be for us as adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like.
Or, it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we don’t want in our life.
We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves.
We have started the process of opening our heart to love, real love that flows from us, to others, and back again.
Do something loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for your children, or for anyone you choose.
It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose.
Whatever our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love.
I will open myself to the love available to me from people and from God. I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today. I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.
FEB 15 Control Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, shames, unable to care for ourselves.
When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of God. Problems seem overwhelming. The past seems senseless; the future, bleak.
We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.
In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness. That's when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain.
When these "codependent crazies" strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.
When we're in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this: Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves. Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.
People and things don't stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: ourselves, our support systems, and our recovery program.
Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us---with ease and naturalness.
The sun begins to shine again. Isn't it funny, and isn't it true, how all change really does begin with us?
I can let go of things and people and my need to control today. I can deal with my feelings. I can get peaceful. I can get calm. I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness--- myself. I will remember that a gray day is just that----one gray day.
FEB 16 Detachment The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?
These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
There is no rule book. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy, we don't have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.
Having and setting healthy limits---healthy boundaries--isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.
We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, we'll see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
Things will work out. The way will become clear.
Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self- responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.
FEB 17 Acceptance Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings--sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" ---with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history--- is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstances exactly as they are.
Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."
No matter how complicated we get the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.
Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept myself, others, and my circumstances. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.
FEB 18 Being Right
Recovery is not about being right; it’s about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are. That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the “right-wrong” justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people’s behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It’s tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people’s motives and actions, but it’s more rewarding to look deeper.
Today, I will remember that I don’t have to hide behind being right. I don’t have to justify what I want and need with saying something is “right” or “wrong.” I can let myself be who I am.
FEB 19 Our Path I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. -------Anonymous
The spiritual path and growth promised to us by the Twelve Steps does not depend on following religious rules and regulations. They are not contingent upon any denomination or sect.
We do not have to allow anyone to badger us about religion in recovery. We do not have to allow people to make us feel ashamed, afraid, or less-than because we do not subscribe to their beliefs. We do not have to let them do it to us in the name of God, love, or recovery.
The spiritual journey we will find as a result of recovery and the Twelve Steps will be our own spiritual journey. It will be a relationship with God – not a set of rules and regulations.
Each of us must travel our own spiritual path. Each of us must build our own relationship with God. Each of us needs a God who is greater than ourselves. These concepts are critical to recovery.
So is the freedom to choose how and where to do that.
God, help me know that I don't have to allow anyone to shame or badger me into religious rules and regulations. If they confuse that with relationship with You, help me give their issue back to them. Help me discover and develop my own spirituality, a path that works for me. Guide me, with your divine wisdom as I grow spiritually.
FEB 20 Setting Our Own Course We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be.
We can control how we respond to others people's expectations.
During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.
We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.
We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves.
We can own our power with people.
Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live our own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us.
Today, God, help me own my power by detaching, and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. Help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. Help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.
FEB 21 Living in the Present The present moment is all we have. Yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.
We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.
Have no fear, child, a voice whispers. Have no regrets. Relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here. Trust.
All you have is now. It is enough.
Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within.
FEB 22 Solving Problems I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your glory and honor.- AA
Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life--- our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do in solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our God is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don’t worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them. Facing and solving problems---working through problems with help from God---means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.
FEB 23 Strength
We don't always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
FEB 24 Recognizing Feelings
Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On top of it write, "If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling? Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only to be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself.
FEB 25 Accepting Imperfection "Why do I do this to myself?" asked a woman who wanted to lose weight. "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie that wasn't on the diet. I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot. I felt so ashamed before I came to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly. Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."
Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect---whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
Whether we're judging ourselves or others, its two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid.
It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough.
That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting, doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.
Today, I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.
FEB 26 Twelve Step Programs I was furious when I found myself at my first Al-Anon meeting. It seemed so unfair that he had the problem and I had to go to a meeting. But by that time, I had nowhere left in the world to go with my pain. Now, I'm grateful for Al-Anon and my codependency recovery.
Al-Anon keeps me on track; recovery has given me a lift. -------Anonymous
There are many Twelve Step programs for codependents: Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, CoDA, Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, and more. We have many choices about which kind of group is right for us and which particular group in that category meets our needs. Twelve Step groups for codependents are free, anonymous, and available in most communities. If there is not one that is right for us, we can start one.
Twelve Step groups for codependents are not about how we can help the other person; they're about how we can help ourselves grow and change. They can help us accept and deal with the ways codependency has affected us. They can help us get on track and stay there.
There is magic in Twelve Step programs. There is healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power by working the Steps and by allowing them to work on us. The Twelve Steps are a formula for healing. 11
How long do we have to go to meetings? We go until we "get the program." We go until the program "gets us." Then we keep on going----and growing.
Selecting a group and then attending regularly are important ways we can begin and continue to take care of ourselves. Actively participating in our recovery program by working the Steps is another.
I will be open to the healing power available to me from the Twelve Steps and a recovery program.
FEB 27 People - Pleasers Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety-producing.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People - pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have
Responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring.
But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
FEB 28 Letting Go of Denial We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We May have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready. We are sturdy, yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth. We will do this, when the time is right.
We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality---on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in God's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it is time to know it.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.
FEB 29 You Are Lovable
We go back….and back…..and back…..through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us. ----Beyond Codependency
You are lovable. Yes, you. Just because people haven’t been there for you, just because certain people haven’t been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you’re unlovable.
You’ve had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt. Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love. You are lovable. You are loved.
Today, I will tell myself I’m lovable. I will do this until I believe
FEB 1 Step Two Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step Two
We come to believe in a better life through the powerful gift of other people---hearing them, seeing them, watching the gift of recovery at work in their lives.
There is a Power greater than ourselves. There is real hope now that things can and will be different and better for us and our life.
We are not in a “do it ourselves” program. We do not have to exert willpower to change. We do not have to force our recovery to happen. We do not have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps just so we believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves----one who will get the job done in our life. God will do for us what your greatest and most diligent efforts could not accomplish.
God will restore us to a sane and beneficial life. All we do is believe.
Look. Watch. See the people around you. See the healing they have found. Then discover your own faith, your own healing.
Today, regardless of my circumstances, I will believe to the best of my ability that God can and will restore me to a peaceful, sane way of living. Then I will relax and let God do that.
FEB 2 Trusting Our Higher Power Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. Step 3
So much talk about God. So much joy as we come to understand Him. Spirituality and spiritual growth are the foundations of change. Recovery from codependency is not a do-it-yourself task.
Is God a relentless taskmaster? A hard-hearted, shaming wizard with tricks up the sleeve? Is God deaf? Uncaring? Haphazard? Unforgiving?
No. He is a loving and caring God. He is the God of our recovery.
No more pain than is necessary for usefulness, healing, and cleansing. As much goodness and joy as our heart can hold, as soon as our heart is healed, open, and ready to receive. God: approving, accepting, and instantly forgiving.
God has planned little gifts along the way to brighten our day, and sometimes big, delightful surprises-----perfectly timed, perfect for us.
A master artist, God will weave together all our joy, sadness, and experience to create a portrait of our life with depth, beauty, sensitivity, color, humor, and feeling.
God: A Loving God. The God of our recovery.
Today, I will open myself to the care of a loving God. Then, I will let God show me love.
FEB 3 Rejecting Shame Shame can be a powerful force in our life. It is the trademark of dysfunctional families.
Authentic, legitimate guilt is the feeling or thought that what we did is not okay. It indicates that our behavior needs to be corrected or altered, or an amend needs to be made. Shame is an overwhelming negative sense that who we are is not okay. Shame is a no-win situation. We can change our behaviors, but we can’t change who we are. Shame can propel us deeper into self-defeating and sometimes self-destructive behaviors.
What are the things that can cause us to feel shame? We may feel ashamed when we have a problem or someone we love has a problem. We may feel ashamed for making mistakes for succeeding. We may feel ashamed about certain feelings or thoughts. We may feel ashamed when we have fun, feel good, or are vulnerable enough to show ourselves to others. Some of us feel ashamed just for being.
Shame is a spell others put on us to control us, to keep us playing our part in dysfunctional systems. It is a spell many of us have learned to put on ourselves.
Learning to reject shame can change the quality of our life.
It is okay to be who we are. We are good enough. Our feelings are okay. Our past is okay. It’s okay to have problems, make mistakes, and struggle to find our path. It’s okay to be human and cherish our humanness.
Accepting ourselves is the first step toward recovery. Letting go of shame about who we are is the next important step.
Today, I will watch for signs that I have fallen into shame’s trap. If I get hooked into shame, I will get myself out of accepting myself and affirming that it is okay to be who I am.
FEB 4 Enjoying Recovery What a journey! This process of growth and change takes us along an ever changing road.
Sometimes the way is hard and craggy. Sometimes we climb mountains.
Sometimes we slide down the other side on a toboggan.
Sometimes we rest.
Sometimes we grope through the darkness. Sometimes we’re blinded by sunlight.
At times many may walk with us on the road; sometimes we feel nearly alone.
Ever changing, always interesting, always leading someplace better, someplace good.
What a journey!
Today, God, help me relax and enjoy the scenery. Help me know I’m right where I need to be on my journey.
FEB 5 Financial Responsibility We are responsible for ourselves financially.
What a frightening, grown-up thought that is for many of us--- taking responsibility for money and our financial affairs. For many of us, handing over responsibility for our financial affairs has been part of a codependent trade-off in our relationships.
Some of our emotional dependency on others, on this tight tie that binds us to others, not in love, but in need and desperation, is directly related to financial dependency. Our fears and reluctance to take responsibility for our financial affairs can be a barrier to the freedom we are seeking in recovery.
Financial responsibility is an attitude. Money goes out to pay for necessities and luxuries. Money must come in, in order to go out. How much needs to come in to equal that which is going out?
Taxes.......savings plans.......appropriate spending habits that demonstrate an attitude of financial responsibility.......Part of being alive means learning to handle money.
Even if we have a healthy contract with someone that allows us to depend on him or her for money, we still need to understand how money works.
We still need to adopt an attitude of financial responsibility for ourselves. Even if we have a contract with someone else to provide for our financial needs, we need to understand the workings of the money earned and spent in our life.
Self-esteem will increase when we increase our sense of being financially responsible for ourselves. We can start where we are, with what we have today.
God, help me become willing to let go of my fears and reluctance to face the necessary parts of handling money responsibly in my life. Show me the lessons I need to learn about money.
FEB 6 Stopping Victimization Before recovery, many of us lacked a frame of reference with which to name the victimization and abuse in our life. We may have thought it was normal that people mistreated us. We may have believed we deserved mistreatment; we may have been attracted to people who mistreated us.
We need to let go, on a deeper level, of our need to be victimized and to be victims. We need to let go of our need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systems at work, in love, in family relationships, in friendships. We deserve better. We deserve much better. It is our right. When we believe in our right to happiness, we will have happiness.
We will fight for that right, and the fight will emerge from our souls. Break free from oppression and victimization.
Today, I will liberate myself by letting go of my need to be a victim, and I will explore my freedom to take care of myself. That liberation will not take me further away from people I love. It will bring me closer to people and more in harmony with God’s plan for my life.
FEB 7 Owning Our Power We need to make a distinction between powerlessness and owning our power. The first step in recovery is accepting powerlessness. There are some things we can’t do, no matter how long or hard we try. These things include changing other people, solving their problems, and controlling their behavior. Sometimes, we feel powerless over ourselves---what we feel or believe, or the effects of a particular situation or person on us.
It’s important to surrender to powerlessness, but it’s equally important to own our power. We are not trapped. We aren't helpless. Sometimes it may feel like we are, but we aren't. We each have the God-given power, and the right, to take care of ourselves in any circumstance, and with any person.
The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others and allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right and responsibility.
Let the Power come to walk that path.
Today, I will remember that I can take care of myself. I have choices, and I can exercise the options I choose without guilt.
FEB 8 Letting Go of Guilt Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we are off course. Then its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life.
Now we know that we don’t have to feel guilty. Even if we’ve done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
FEB 9 Letting Go In Love When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you---they are saying they don’t love themselves.-----Codependent No More
Gentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can’t afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we’ve removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our ways, is a gentle one, walked in love-- love for self, love for others. Set boundaries. Detach.
Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible, God, let me be gentle with myself and others.
Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interest, and love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
FEB 10 Letting Go of Sadness A block to joy and love can be unresolved sadness from the past.
In the past, we told ourselves many things to deny the
pain: It doesn’t hurt that much..........Maybe if I just wait, things will change........It’s no big deal. I can get through this.........Maybe if I try to change the other person, I won’t have to change myself.
We denied that it hurt because we didn’t want to feel the pain.
Unfinished business doesn’t go away. It keeps repeating itself, until it gets our attention, until we feel it, deal with it, and heal. That’s one lesson we are learning in recovery from codependency and adult children issues.
Many of us didn’t have the tools, support, or safety we needed to acknowledge and accept pain in our past.
It’s okay. We’re safe now. Slowly, carefully, we can begin to open ourselves up to our feelings. We can begin the process of feeling what we have denied so long------not to blame, not to shame, but to heal ourselves in preparation for a better life.
It’s okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release those feelings.
Grief is a cleansing process. It’s an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future----a future free of sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
God, as I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings. Today, help me know that I don’t have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery. Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally in a manageable way.
FEB 11 Divinely Led Send me the right thought, word, or action. Show me what my next step should be. In times of doubt and indecision, please send Your inspiration and guidance. Alcoholics Anonymous
The good news of surrendering ourselves and our life to God is that we come into harmony with a Grand Plan, one greater than we can imagine.
We are promised Divine Guidance if we ask for it, if we work the Twelve Steps. What greater gift could we receive than knowing our thoughts, words, and actions are being directed?
We are not a mistake. And we do not have to control or repress ourselves or others for life to work out. Even the strange, the unplanned, the painful, and those things we call errors can evolve into harmony.
We will be guided into understanding what we need to take care of ourselves.
We will begin to trust our instincts, our feelings, our thoughts. We will know when to go, to stop, to wait. We will learn a great truth: the plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us.
I pray today and each day that my thoughts, words, and actions may be Divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence, knowing my steps are guided.
FEB 12 Letting Go Of Those Not in Recovery We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark.
We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.
Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both; we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.
We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey.
We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love.
The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.
Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come, some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave other behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I’m meant to be.
FEB 13 Trusting Ourselves
What a great gift we’ve been given-----ourselves. To listen to ourselves, to trust instinct and intuition, is to pay tribute to that gift.
What a disservice not to heed the leadings and leanings that so naturally arise from within. When will we learn that these leadings and leanings draw us into God’s rich plan for us?
We will learn. We will learn by listening, trusting, and following through.
What is it time to do?.......What do I need to do to take care of myself?........What am I being led to do?.........What do I know?
Listen, and we will know. Listen to the voice within.
Today, I will listen and trust. I will be helped to take action when that is needed. I can trust myself and God.
FEB 14 Valentine’s Day For children, Valentine’s Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air.
How different Valentine’s Day can be for us as adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like.
Or, it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we don’t want in our life.
We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves.
We have started the process of opening our heart to love, real love that flows from us, to others, and back again.
Do something loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for your children, or for anyone you choose.
It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose.
Whatever our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love.
I will open myself to the love available to me from people and from God. I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today. I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.
FEB 15 Control Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, shames, unable to care for ourselves.
When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of God. Problems seem overwhelming. The past seems senseless; the future, bleak.
We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.
In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness. That's when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain.
When these "codependent crazies" strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.
When we're in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this: Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves. Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.
People and things don't stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: ourselves, our support systems, and our recovery program.
Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us---with ease and naturalness.
The sun begins to shine again. Isn't it funny, and isn't it true, how all change really does begin with us?
I can let go of things and people and my need to control today. I can deal with my feelings. I can get peaceful. I can get calm. I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness--- myself. I will remember that a gray day is just that----one gray day.
FEB 16 Detachment The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?
These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
There is no rule book. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy, we don't have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.
Having and setting healthy limits---healthy boundaries--isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.
We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, we'll see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
Things will work out. The way will become clear.
Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self- responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.
FEB 17 Acceptance Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings--sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" ---with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history--- is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstances exactly as they are.
Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."
No matter how complicated we get the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.
Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept myself, others, and my circumstances. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.
FEB 18 Being Right
Recovery is not about being right; it’s about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are. That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the “right-wrong” justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people’s behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It’s tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people’s motives and actions, but it’s more rewarding to look deeper.
Today, I will remember that I don’t have to hide behind being right. I don’t have to justify what I want and need with saying something is “right” or “wrong.” I can let myself be who I am.
FEB 19 Our Path I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. -------Anonymous
The spiritual path and growth promised to us by the Twelve Steps does not depend on following religious rules and regulations. They are not contingent upon any denomination or sect.
We do not have to allow anyone to badger us about religion in recovery. We do not have to allow people to make us feel ashamed, afraid, or less-than because we do not subscribe to their beliefs. We do not have to let them do it to us in the name of God, love, or recovery.
The spiritual journey we will find as a result of recovery and the Twelve Steps will be our own spiritual journey. It will be a relationship with God – not a set of rules and regulations.
Each of us must travel our own spiritual path. Each of us must build our own relationship with God. Each of us needs a God who is greater than ourselves. These concepts are critical to recovery.
So is the freedom to choose how and where to do that.
God, help me know that I don't have to allow anyone to shame or badger me into religious rules and regulations. If they confuse that with relationship with You, help me give their issue back to them. Help me discover and develop my own spirituality, a path that works for me. Guide me, with your divine wisdom as I grow spiritually.
FEB 20 Setting Our Own Course We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be.
We can control how we respond to others people's expectations.
During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.
We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.
We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves.
We can own our power with people.
Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live our own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us.
Today, God, help me own my power by detaching, and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. Help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. Help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.
FEB 21 Living in the Present The present moment is all we have. Yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.
We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.
Have no fear, child, a voice whispers. Have no regrets. Relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here. Trust.
All you have is now. It is enough.
Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within.
FEB 22 Solving Problems I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your glory and honor.- AA
Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life--- our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do in solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our God is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don’t worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them. Facing and solving problems---working through problems with help from God---means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.
FEB 23 Strength
We don't always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
FEB 24 Recognizing Feelings
Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On top of it write, "If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling? Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only to be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself.
FEB 25 Accepting Imperfection "Why do I do this to myself?" asked a woman who wanted to lose weight. "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie that wasn't on the diet. I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot. I felt so ashamed before I came to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly. Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."
Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect---whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
Whether we're judging ourselves or others, its two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid.
It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough.
That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting, doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.
Today, I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.
FEB 26 Twelve Step Programs I was furious when I found myself at my first Al-Anon meeting. It seemed so unfair that he had the problem and I had to go to a meeting. But by that time, I had nowhere left in the world to go with my pain. Now, I'm grateful for Al-Anon and my codependency recovery.
Al-Anon keeps me on track; recovery has given me a lift. -------Anonymous
There are many Twelve Step programs for codependents: Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, CoDA, Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, and more. We have many choices about which kind of group is right for us and which particular group in that category meets our needs. Twelve Step groups for codependents are free, anonymous, and available in most communities. If there is not one that is right for us, we can start one.
Twelve Step groups for codependents are not about how we can help the other person; they're about how we can help ourselves grow and change. They can help us accept and deal with the ways codependency has affected us. They can help us get on track and stay there.
There is magic in Twelve Step programs. There is healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power by working the Steps and by allowing them to work on us. The Twelve Steps are a formula for healing. 11
How long do we have to go to meetings? We go until we "get the program." We go until the program "gets us." Then we keep on going----and growing.
Selecting a group and then attending regularly are important ways we can begin and continue to take care of ourselves. Actively participating in our recovery program by working the Steps is another.
I will be open to the healing power available to me from the Twelve Steps and a recovery program.
FEB 27 People - Pleasers Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety-producing.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People - pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have
Responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring.
But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
FEB 28 Letting Go of Denial We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We May have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready. We are sturdy, yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth. We will do this, when the time is right.
We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality---on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in God's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it is time to know it.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.
FEB 29 You Are Lovable
We go back….and back…..and back…..through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us. ----Beyond Codependency
You are lovable. Yes, you. Just because people haven’t been there for you, just because certain people haven’t been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you’re unlovable.
You’ve had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt. Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love. You are lovable. You are loved.
Today, I will tell myself I’m lovable. I will do this until I believe
