FEB 1 Detachment is simply watching the events that are unfolding around you, getting involved only when your journey is part of the experience.
Not reacting to the people or the situations that so easily attract our attention is not an easy skill to develop. And a skill it is. We must practice driving and chipping and putting a golf ball in order to be good golfers. We have to hit thousands of tennis balls against a backdrop to play tennis competitively. And we have to sit for long, long hours at the piano keys in order to become proficient pianists. We would not expect to be very good at any one of these activities without practice—lots of it.
But we seldom grasp until after many failures, sometimes years of failures that we have to practice and rehearse again and again the “art” of not reacting, of “detaching,” from the actions of those around us. How often we hear or, worse yet, say, “He made me do it!” Wrong! No one can make us do anything. Only we have the power to do or not do whatever we do. That’s the good news, in fact. We are in charge of ourselves; no one else is. The freedom that accompanies this realization will lift our spirits throughout the day.
Getting involved in the actions of others isn’t in my best interest, most of the time.
I will walk away when I need to today.
FEB 2 Detachment is stepping back from an experience in order to allow room for God to do His part.
I seldom remember, without some prodding that I initially resist, that God is a factor in every person’s experience. My ego’s first inclination is to think that I am a necessary factor—not just an ordinary necessary factor but the deciding one—in the lives of my friends and family. Giving up control and letting God be the key influence in the lives of my loved ones is not easy. It takes trust. Not only trust in God but also trust in others and in my own willingness to approach my experiences with all of them differently.
The benefit of coming to believe that God is the key factor in everyone’s life is that it releases us from a heavy burden. Too many of us have tried to manage the lives of too many others for far too long. No one gains in that scenario. On the contrary, everyone loses the peace that comes with turning our lives over to the care and guidance off a loving God.
Keeping a mental note of all the times I step away from an experience that isn’t mine to control will fill me with a sense of empowerment. What a great opportunity this will be today.
FEB 3 Detachment promises quiet contentment.
Choosing contentment over agitation seems like a simple choice, but it apparently isn’t for many of us. All we have to do is take a brief inventory of the many encounters we had yesterday. How many of them were peaceful? Did we take “the high road” very often? Were a few of those encounters riddled with words or actions that embarrass us in retrospect? Were there some we regret yet today?
It’s been my experience that the encounters that are not peaceful fall into two categories: first, there are those that are the direct result of my trying to make something my business that is not my business—in other words, of my trying to control that which is not mine to control. The other category can best be described as letting someone else’s behaviour determine how I feel about myself. This becomes a cesspool, and I have wallowed in it far too many times. Fortunately, I am learning to make better choices. Now, I can walk away, most of the time, when I need to. How about you?
The first few times we make the choice to “be peaceful rather than right,” it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice. Give it a try today.
FEB 4 Detachment is making no one a project.
It’s my guess that since you have found this book of interest, you are able to relate to some of the struggles I have had over the years. One of these is “dancing around” the life of someone else, rather than leading my own life. I am pleased to say I have made a lot of progress in this arena, but for many decades, I didn’t know there was any other way to live. If someone else wasn’t at the center of my life, I wasn’t sure who I was. What a sad existence. What a sad recollection, too.
Not letting someone else determine who we are or what we think or how we feel is revelatory when first encountered as an idea. I was introduced to this notion in 1971 in a book titled Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell. I immediately embraced the philosophy even though I knew it was a truth I was not yet able to practice. Now, many years later, I realize that we are often given the seed of an idea long before it’s able to sprout real growth in our own lives. The fortunate thing is that we are never the same after the idea first presents itself.
I am my only project! Fully embracing this idea gives me so much freedom to do the many things I have been born to do. Others are in our lives for a reason, but they are not present as our works in progress.
FEB 5 Detachment means taking no hostages.
Perhaps you have never thought that your obsession with another person might be defined as hostage taking. Historically, we think of hostages as those people who are imprisoned, particularly in a time of war. However, we can slide quite easily into making a friend or loved one a hostage of sorts by our attempts to control their every move. Our smothering focus can be likened to making them our prisoner. But since the natural inclination of every prisoner is to want to flee, the outcome of our behaviour will never give us the result we are seeking.
Why is it that we are so determined to control someone else? I have given this a lot of consideration for the past few years and have concluded that our need to control others grows out of our own insecurity. We fear abandonment, perhaps, or simple rejection at least. Both will become the reality if we insist on keeping our focus on them rather than on us. Making the decision to change our focus is an available option.
While having a hostage might make us feel secure momentarily, we can always expect them to try to escape. That’s the natural inclination. Is that really how we want to live?
FEB 6 Detachment means giving up outcomes
Perhaps you have heard this wise phrase: Our job is the effort, not the outcome. But how often do we embrace it fully? Generally, we want to secure the result that we have imagined is the perfect one. To do this, we assume that we have to shepherd the project or the situation or the person down the path that leads to our definition of the “natural conclusion.” But the correct conclusion—God’s will—might not even resemble our will. That’s not an easy adjustment to make in our thinking.
Hindsight is so revealing. For just a moment, recall a situation in your past that you were determined to control, but the outcome was simply not what you had envisioned. Can you see how much better God’s outcome was? In my life, had I managed to make happen many of my “educated” choices, I’d not be alive to write this book. Thank goodness God had a far better outcome for me than my own. Now I know, even though I am still inclined to forget, that doing my part and then letting go of the rest will ensure, at the very least, my peace of mind. I like that feeling.
Detaching from outcomes, those that apply to us and those that apply to the actions of others, is the surest way to a peaceful day.
Trying is believing!
FEB 7 Detachment is letting the solutions be determined by God.
Solutions are seldom simple. Perhaps that’s because they generally involve other people too. When any one of us is certain that we have the best solution for any problem or situation confronting us, we have naturally chosen one that benefits us. There’s nothing wrong with that stance. However, it may not be the best solution for all the people who are affected by the situation. Backing off and letting God be a participant in every decision results in an outcome that offers us peace of mind and the most beneficial solution for all.
If only we could remember that God is a willing participant, we might call Him the trouble shooter for every situation we encounter. We don’t ever have to figure out anything alone. God would prefer otherwise, in fact. We need not ever make plans without consultation with the One who always knows the best direction for us to take. God is like having a GPS at our constant disposal that will, without fail, get us to our right destination. Always! And we can enjoy peace of mind. Always!
Giving detachment a chance today will be like getting a paid vacation. We don’t need to attend to situations that belong to others, and we can let God be part of every situation that does involve us. What relief we will feel.
FEB 8 Detachment is understanding that we are never the cause of someone else’s actions.
We live in a society that wants to blame others for every unfortunate situation that befalls us. Taking responsibility for the experiences we have, particularly when they are unpleasant, is not behaviour that comes naturally to us. Most of us likely pattern our ideas and attitudes after those we observed in our homes. Our parents mimicked their parents too, no doubt, so this habit has had a long life. It controls how most of us see and think and behave. It also has coloured the attitudes of the people with whom we are sharing our journey. But it’s time to stop this merry-go-round of blame.
No one can cause us to act in a particular way, and we are not to blame for anyone else’s actions either! Others’ actions are theirs, and solely theirs. Likewise, our choices about how to behave are ours. We might influence others or even be influenced, but the final decision about how one acts falls with the one acting. We may not be all too happy about taking full responsibility for ourselves in every instance, nor in relinquishing the responsibility for how others behave. But we will grow accustomed to this, and it will free us from many burdens. Time will prove this to be true.
Not having to be responsible for anyone but ourselves is a new way of seeing for many of us. Today can be peace-filled if we revel in this understanding.
FEB 9 Detachment is getting over “it,” whatever “it” is.
The insanity of hanging on to those situations or recollections that disturbed our well-being sometimes of occurrences that happened years ago, thinking that if we just figure them out we can change the people or the outcome, is far too familiar. I speak from experience! How often I have let the behaviour of others take control of my emotions or my actions. My memories of a past slight, or an imagined slight, can easily be conjured up, and my feelings can be hurt or I can feel angry all over again. How embarrassing to admit this after all the years I have been making this spiritual journey. But alas, it’s true, and I think it may occasionally be true for others, too.
This is not about living perfectly. It’s about making progress, even a bit of progress, as regularly as possible. My struggle with acceptance has been the big issue lately. I simply have forgotten that it’s not my job to change others or to even expect others to change. My job is to accept people as they are, knowing that their journey is exactly as it needs to be for them, as is mine. We are always where we need to be on this path. We are always traveling with those we need to travel with. Period! There are no accidents. Ever!
I will accept whatever is happening as part of the plan for me today. With God’s help I can be fully accepting.
FEB 10 Detachment is getting over “it,” whatever “it” is.
The insanity of hanging on to those situations or recollections that disturbed our well-being sometimes of occurrences that happened years ago, thinking that if we just figure them out we can change the people or the outcome, is far too familiar. I speak from experience! How often I have let the behaviour of others take control of my emotions or my actions. My memories of a past slight, or an imagined slight, can easily be conjured up, and my feelings can be hurt or I can feel angry all over again. How embarrassing to admit this after all the years I have been making this spiritual journey. But alas, it’s true, and I think it may occasionally be true for others, too.
This is not about living perfectly. It’s about making progress, even a bit of progress, as regularly as possible. My struggle with acceptance has been the big issue lately. I simply have forgotten that it’s not my job to change others or to even expect others to change. My job is to accept people as they are, knowing that their journey is exactly as it needs to be for them, as is mine. We are always where we need to be on this path. We are always traveling with those we need to travel with. Period! There are no accidents. Ever!
I will accept whatever is happening as part of the plan for me today. With God’s help I can be fully accepting.
FEB 11 Detachment simplifies our life
Closely monitoring one life is really quite enough. Paying too close attention to someone else’s life will only upset the balance of our own. We have the energy to live one life, not two or more. It’s God’s work to orchestrate the lives of others. Why are we so insistent on taking on more that we have been selected to do? Could it be that we are afraid others will leave us behind if we aren’t wrapped up in their plans, their daily activities, their dreams for the future?
Having a simpler life, one that concerns itself with only our activities, is really so refreshing. So energizing. So peaceful. Until we remove our attention from the machinations of others, we can’t even get a sense of what having more energy, extended periods of peace, and the joy that comes with detachment feels like. But once we have allowed ourselves to know this feeling we will hunger for it more and more. In time, we will seek the freedom of detachment on a daily basis. And on a daily basis we will live peacefully.
Being peaceful and enjoying the simple life doesn’t have to elude us. Keeping our focus where it belongs is the method for attaining this peace. Today is the right day to seek it.
FEB 12 Detachment is an acquired habit.
Obsession with the actions of others-wishing he or she would change, wanting more attention or perhaps less, wishing our significant others would let us decide their fate-is so exhausting. When we are caught up in the cycle of obsession, we are seldom even aware of how we are letting our own lifes slip away. But slip away they will. Learning how to let go of others and their lives takes willingness, a tremendous commitment to staying the course, and constant practice. If we don’t keep this as a goal for our lives, we will miss the opportunities God is sending us for our own unique growth. We can only do justice to one life; ours.
Being detached from someone does not mean no longer caring for them. It does not mean pretending they no longer exist. It does not mean avoiding all contact with them. Being detached simply means not letting their behavior determine our feelings. It means not letting their behavior determine how we act, how we think, how we pray. Detachment is a loving act of r all concerned. No one wants to be the constant center of someone else’s life, at least not for long. Two people lose their lives when either one is constantly focused on the other. That’s not why we are here.
We can journey together today. From the shared journey we learn. But being enmeshed with another rather than complementing another’s journey will destroy both parties. I will keep this in my memory bank today.
FEB 13 Detachment means freedom from obsession.
I, for one, am all too familiar with how obsessing over the actions of others can cause my emotions to spin out of control. Left unchecked, I can find myself in a downward spiral that feels overwhelming and can lead to the awful feeling of hopelessness that used to be a constant companion. Obsession with others on our path can creep up on us when least expected. But I have come to understand, with the help of those wiser than myself on this journey, that when I am ot staying close enough to my Higher Power, I am very vulnerable to the old habit of watching others and letting how they behave determine how I feel.
I have been on this spiritual journey for many decades, actually for my whole life when I acknowledge that God was always present even when I was unable to acknowledge it. And yet, I can slip away from the very habits that keep me serene, sane, and living in the joy that is my birthright. I am quite certain the same is true for many of you. We can learn how to detach. We can think about God rather than about what someone else is doing or not doing. Moving our thought s from one to the other is the key to happiness. It’s guaranteed.
Being lovingly detached is the best way to honor one another’s journey. Everyone is here for a specific set of lessons. We must allow everyone to follow his or her own inner guidance to learn their lessons.
FEB 14 Detachment is knowing that what others do is not a reflection on you.
When our companions act out or treat us poorly in public, when our friends or partners are rude or ill-behaved in any way, it’s easy to think that others are judging us along with our partner for whatever he or she has done, particularly if we have been guilty of this form of judgment ourselves. I don’t thing we instinctively know that another person’s behaviour reflects solely on them, never on us. If others do judge us for someone else’s behaviour, it’s generally because they are enmeshed in the actions of others themselves.
Having good boundaries with the people on our journey requires daily attention. Because we know others are sharing our journey for the lessons we are both here to learn. It’s easy to slip over the line that actually separates what any one of us individually needs to master. We aren’t separate from one another in the spiritual sense, but that’s another matter. Let’s not confuse the two. When we do, others’ actions and choices get in the way of our peace of mind. And neither of us can find the joy that has been promised us.
Defining our boundaries with others serves both of us. It assures us that we will never get entrapped in emotions that belong to someone else.
FEB 15 Detachment is not making a big deal of situations, even complicated ones.
When I was whining for the umpteenth time about a situation over which I had no control, a good friend said, “So what?” I was initially startled, miffed, and even slightly hurt, but soon realized that she had done me a great service. I was creating a drama over a very minor, though often repeated, situation. And the reality is, we don’t need to dramatize even major situations. When we allow God into the mix of the resolution, calm can prevail. As I have matured, calm has become far more attractive to me.
Knowing that “I can feel peace instead of this” has been a lifesaving mantra. The only problem is that I have to remember to use it. Periodically I slide into old behavior and let what’s happening around me influence how I am feeling. When my emotions get triggered by what I am seeing others do or hearing what others are saying, I have given up my own life for the moment. Their actions or words may not make me angry, but they can create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my own reality, and I’m far better for it.
Creating my own reality is an excellent undertaking every moment of the day. Unless I am in the flow of detaching from others, my reality will be clouded by their behavior.
FEB 16 Detachment empowers us.
The gift of empowerment comes every time we let someone else decide his or her fate. Even the tiny decision someone might be struggling with doesn’t need our input unless asked for. This is not an easy realization to come to grips with. So much of our persona may well be tied to having our friends or family members mirror our choices. And yet, when we lay that expectation on them or simply hold that expectation quietly within, we will experience chaos. No one wants to be controlled. Even when we are subtle about it, it’s recognized and resisted.
You may be wondering what empowerment feels like if this is a new concept to you. It’s probably best understood in terms of synonyms. It’s freedom. It’s peace of mind. It’s not feeling absorbed by the antics of others. It’s clarity of thinking. It’s a feeling of lightness throughout the body. It’s having the time to be joyful and unencumbered. It’s having the sense that God is close. Detachment is truly a gift of great proportions. Nothing can be well attended to when our emotions are attached to the actions of others.
Today I will become willing to let God, not my companions, be the center of my life.
FEB 17 Detachment frees us from overreaction.
Overreacting to the myriad situations in my life whether bona fide major ones or extremely minor incidents, was once standard practice. Maybe you can relate. It made little difference what my spouse or a friend or co-worker did; I was capable of taking their actions or words quite personally and then acting in ways that were seldom fitting for the situation. The idea of considering how I wanted to respond and then actually responding in a sane way had never occurred to me. For decades I had watched my family of origin react to whatever happened, and I was a great imitator.
Learning that there is another way to see, to interpret, to respond is like being given a second chance at life. We are on this path with others because of what we each have to learn. We are journeying together. Intentionally. We are not making the journey for each other or as each other. Doing for others what they need to do for themselves prevents the learning that needs to occur, both ours and theirs. Stepping aside and watching others handle that which is theirs to handle, and not letting what they do determine how we feel, is the “real stuff” of this journey. Discovering this makes every minute pretty exciting.
Making the decision to thoroughly enjoy this or any other day is pretty simple. It relies on our willingness to not let the actions of others take over our minds. We are in charge of what we think, what we way, what we do. Grabbing hold of his principle will change everything.
FEB 18 Detachment may mean doing nothing.
Do nothing! What a concept! With what frequency does your mind savor the idea of doing nothing when a partner or friend pushes your buttons? Probably not very often, unless you have already acquired some understanding of the pitfalls of being too attached to the whims, the behavior, or the attitudes and opinions of others. Simply walking away when our ego really wants to scream in retaliation is not easy. In fact, it may feel nearly impossible. But it can be done. I know; I have learned to do it.
Not responding………in other words, detaching…………doesn’t mean we don’t care what the other person is doing or saying ‘to’ or ‘about’ us. We may care a great deal. But we have to ask ourselves, Will it help this situation for me to say something? If it honestly will, try to speak lovingly; but in most instances, letting the moment pass will be more fruitful. Adding fuel to the embers of an incident will cause it to erupt into flames that can easily get out of control. We have all been there. We don’t ever have to go there again.
Making the choice to do nothing when we feel like someone is trying to egg us on is a hugely important decision. The empowerment we will feel is so worth the effort it takes to simply let the moment pass.
FEB 19 Detachment may be remaining quiet.
The urge to respond verbally, and generally not too kindly, to a perceived attack, an imagined affront, or an unmistakable put-down is overwhelming sometimes. Although giving in to the urge is not the end of the world, it will not help the situation. In most instances, the solution to a situation that borders on ugly is to bless it and let it go. Those who attack us in any form are full of fear. It may be fear of lack of control, fear of not getting what they deserve, fear of rejection, or fear of looking insignificant that makes them do and say what injures others. But certainly fear is at the root.
Saying to ourselves in those situations that no harm is meant will defuse the emotions that might be running through our mind at that time. Responding from an angry place, whether seemingly justified or not, will not make for a productive resolution. The only sensible response to a fearful outburst from someone else is an expression of love, either verbally spoken or quietly embraced in the mind. Countering fear with a fearful expression, which is what all anger engenders, will not result in a peaceful moment in the life of anyone. Giving peace a chance by remaining quiet is a gift to all of us.
Being quiet in the face of a potential disagreement is actually quite rewarding because of the relief it offers. We don’t have to engage in any negative dispute. We don’t have to engage in any conversation of any kind, in fact. Let’s consider standing aside today.
FEB 20 Detachment is not acquiescence.
Detachment is far more analogous to unconditional love than to acquiescence. It means letting our loved ones make their own choices, and that doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, we care so much about them that we know they must travel their own path, rather than ours. Detachment might well be considered one of the most loving of all responses to those who travel with us. While it’s true, as I have written elsewhere, that we travel intentionally with specific people, we do it in concert as learning partners, not as mirrors of one another.
Detachment is a gift to each of us, really. Whether we are detaching from others or they from us, it’s a show of respect every time. To not allow others……..or to not be allowed………to make personal choices limits our growth. Our time here is purposeful. If we steer others in a direction that’s not right for them now, time is wasted, lessons are postponed, and opportunities are missed. They will come again, of course, but not letting them pass us by the first time they visit does mean we are certain to fulfill our purpose in a timely fashion.
Part of our purpose is to care. It’s not to do for others what they should do for themselves, however. There is a time for helping one another and a time for detaching. Let’s not confuse them.
FEB 21 Detachment is disengagement, nothing more.
Detachment is a loving act and quite often a very difficult one. Usually we have to consciously make the decision to let someone else chart their own course and thus define their own life. We mistakenly think that since we are traveling together, we should be able to influence the direction a friend or lover takes, but that’s not the case. Possibly, our opinion will be sought, and in some cases adhered to, but there are no guarantees. We travel side by side because of the lessons we share, and one of the lessons we all have to learn, it seems, is that we cannot control the actions, the opinions, or the decisions anyone else makes.
Initially, this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. Our security feels tied to the choices our loved ones make. Are they going to leave us out of their plans, abandon us perhaps? As we grow in wisdom, however, we realize how very fortunate we are that what others do is not up to us, nor does it define us. Living one life, ours, is enough to handle. Only after experiencing the freedom to letting others be free can we truly understand the gift of detachment.
To be disengaged from what others are choosing to do will give me extra time to do what I need to do today. That’s the primary lesson I am here to learn. I know it and believe it. I will practice it today.
FEB 22 Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer.
For probably the first forty years of my life, I let what others said or did control how I felt. If they smiled, I felt appreciated and worthy. If they frowned or ignored me or spoke harshly, I felt worthless and feared abandonment. How pathetic really. I actually didn’t know there was any other way to respond to the people or the situations in my life. They defined me, with my permission. I was their victim, but I had volunteered for the position. But then in 1974, I was introduced to Al-Anon, and that’s where my life began to change.
Certainly not every one needs Al-Anon to grasp the wisdom that I have come to appreciate in the rooms of recovery. But it is where I learned that the behavior of others has nothing to do with me. It defines them. It reveals how they feel about themselves. When others are not kind, it’s because they are suffering in some way. I have also learned that the best response for me to make to unkind people is to silently bless them and to offer them the hand of kindness. When this is my response, then both of us feel better. Two people can get relief from suffering when one person is kind.
Suffering is always optional. This is a wonderful bit of wisdom to cherish on a daily basis.
FEB 23 Detachment can be triggered by the reminder, “Don’t go there.”
We hold in our minds whatever thought we choose. Some of the thoughts we nurture are loving. Some are confused and negative. Many, unfortunately, are angry and blaming. Holding resentments against others for past hurts (and that’s what all resentments are about) holds us hostage and prevents us from experiencing the next lesson on our “list,” a lesson we have been prepared for. The simple suggestion “don’t go there” can change how we see everything about the incident in front of us. Of course, that means it can change everything about the rest of the day too.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. This is a terribly important distinction. It means that what we are judging in others or allowing to be diminished in us is a figment of our imagination. “Out there” matches our “in here.” When we can thoroughly grasp this realization, our life will begin to look different. The next step is that we will experience it differently too. The learning curve is long and sometimes steep but not beyond our capabilities.
Making “don’t go there” a mantra that we turn to throughout the day can change how we experience every situation that we don’t like.
It promises empowerment and peace of mind. We deserve to make it our most useful tool.
FEB 24 Detachment is not letting someone else determine your present.
Past baggage so readily complicates present experiences, either yours or someone else’s. Accepting that the past has served whatever purpose it had and moving on is one of the primary lessons we are all here to learn. There is only now. Getting our minds around that concept truly releases us to feel the joy that awaits us in each moment. God is here, now. God was in the past too when the past was now. And God will be present in the future when it arrives, but we can only live life one moment at a time. We will grow in gratitude for this awareness when it has fully set in.
Not giving up the past means we are chained to a time and a place that simply have nothing else to teach us. Being held hostage to anyone’s past prevents us from offering to our fellow travelers what they have joined us to learn today. There will be another opportunity, of course. Our lessons follow us, and we them, until we each have fulfilled our part of the bargain. Detaining the process impedes all of us, both those dancing with us now and those dancing elsewhere. We are connected, one and all in the circle of learning.
The past controls the minds of many. But we can walk away from it, our own or someone else’s past. Detaching in this way is necessary if we want to experience peace.
FEB 25 Detachment relies on the “little willingness” to surrender.
For some, having a “little willingness” to surrender may sound like an oxymoron. Isn’t surrendering giving up, and isn’t that an all-or-nothing act? One could say yes, surrendering is all or nothing. But first having a little willingness might be necessary. And this implies that if we open the door just a tiny bit to the idea, God will help us take it the rest of the way. Surrendering with no help from God is not easy for most of us. We may have every intention of surrendering, and we might manage to begin the process, but the full follow-through is a bigger step.
The gifts we receive from surrendering are many. It’s not a defeat, ever, to surrender an argument, to detach from the struggle or the stranglehold another person has on us. Detachment can mean something as simple as walking away from a discussion that has no solution or excusing ourselves from an argument that is getting out of control. Detachment doesn’t mean we can no longer love the person we may have to walk away from. It simply means that nothing good is coming of the discussion we are having right now, and rather than escalate it, we want to do only what would please God. Being quiet is seldom the wrong choice.
Being willing to walk away from a power struggle (or worse) is one of the most peaceful actions we can ever take. Doing it without the help of God is difficult for most of us, but seeing it as an opportunity to get closer to God makes it more appealing and far easier.
FEB 26 Detachment is noticing people without judgment.
Judging others is a major issue for some of us. I am a long way from being the woman I really want to be when it comes to this characteristic. I know that the way through is to remember and then practice, as often as possible, thinking only those thoughts that God would want me to think. Practice doesn’t make perfect, and I frequently fall far short of my goal. But asking God to help me be loving and kind is the first necessary step to doing it.
Willingness coupled with intention, followed next by action, is what allows us to be the people we really want to be. If I don’t want to let judgment rule my thoughts, I have a blueprint for making different choices. It’s very freeing to walk away from judgment. It’s a characteristic that cripples us right along with crippling our relationships with others. We can walk tall. We can free others and ourselves with one decision.
Looking lovingly on others gives both us and them joy. Why wouldn’t we want to do this?
FEB 27 Detachment is freedom from chaos.
Living chaotic lives can become habit-forming, so much so that a person doesn’t even realize there is another way to exist. Some people equate chaos with excitement, in fact. And who doesn’t enjoy excitement, at least occasionally? But not knowing the difference between chaos and excitement means one will likely miss the myriad opportunities to be present in the “right” way to the moment that has called. Chaos is seductive, to be sure. But so is the experience of a peaceful presence once it has been cultivated.
Becoming willing to live one’s experiences differently is the first necessary step to discovering the freedom promised by detaching from upheavals in the lives of others. Just because we are on the journey with someone else doesn’t mean we have to respond to their path. On the contrary, we may be traveling with them so we can show them that there is another way to see and live through a particular experience. We can never know for sure what we have been called to do. But we can know for certain that if we show up lovingly, we will be on the right track.
Every day offers so many opportunities to experience chaos, but for every one of them we can make the choice to be peaceful in that moment instead.
FEB 28 Detachment is “moving away” from a conversation that begins to irritate.
I spent years of my life thinking I had to finish reading every book I started. Even if I only skimmed the chapters in the middle, I needed to get to the last page. I approached conversations with others in the same stuck way. I stayed in them even when I was agitated, obviously unheard, treated disrespectfully, or worse. Learning, as I have, that I can quit a book that doesn’t hold my interest or a conversation that isn’t respectful of my position is very empowering. Making choices that honor us takes practice. For some of us, discovering what honors us even takes time.
Taking baby steps with this idea of detachment is a good beginning. Most of us don’t come by this trait naturally. We easily get drawn into the dramas around us, particularly those involving our loved ones. It’s generally with those who are the closest to us that we have the conversations that might turn tense. The good news about this is that we have daily opportunities to practice detaching our emotions from these difficult conversations. And this doesn’t mean we always have to walk away. We will learn that we can stay in a conversation while remaining detached. That’s one of the lessons we have been promised.
Detachment is an exciting journey. Enjoying the fruits thereof is one of the gifts of this life.
Not reacting to the people or the situations that so easily attract our attention is not an easy skill to develop. And a skill it is. We must practice driving and chipping and putting a golf ball in order to be good golfers. We have to hit thousands of tennis balls against a backdrop to play tennis competitively. And we have to sit for long, long hours at the piano keys in order to become proficient pianists. We would not expect to be very good at any one of these activities without practice—lots of it.
But we seldom grasp until after many failures, sometimes years of failures that we have to practice and rehearse again and again the “art” of not reacting, of “detaching,” from the actions of those around us. How often we hear or, worse yet, say, “He made me do it!” Wrong! No one can make us do anything. Only we have the power to do or not do whatever we do. That’s the good news, in fact. We are in charge of ourselves; no one else is. The freedom that accompanies this realization will lift our spirits throughout the day.
Getting involved in the actions of others isn’t in my best interest, most of the time.
I will walk away when I need to today.
FEB 2 Detachment is stepping back from an experience in order to allow room for God to do His part.
I seldom remember, without some prodding that I initially resist, that God is a factor in every person’s experience. My ego’s first inclination is to think that I am a necessary factor—not just an ordinary necessary factor but the deciding one—in the lives of my friends and family. Giving up control and letting God be the key influence in the lives of my loved ones is not easy. It takes trust. Not only trust in God but also trust in others and in my own willingness to approach my experiences with all of them differently.
The benefit of coming to believe that God is the key factor in everyone’s life is that it releases us from a heavy burden. Too many of us have tried to manage the lives of too many others for far too long. No one gains in that scenario. On the contrary, everyone loses the peace that comes with turning our lives over to the care and guidance off a loving God.
Keeping a mental note of all the times I step away from an experience that isn’t mine to control will fill me with a sense of empowerment. What a great opportunity this will be today.
FEB 3 Detachment promises quiet contentment.
Choosing contentment over agitation seems like a simple choice, but it apparently isn’t for many of us. All we have to do is take a brief inventory of the many encounters we had yesterday. How many of them were peaceful? Did we take “the high road” very often? Were a few of those encounters riddled with words or actions that embarrass us in retrospect? Were there some we regret yet today?
It’s been my experience that the encounters that are not peaceful fall into two categories: first, there are those that are the direct result of my trying to make something my business that is not my business—in other words, of my trying to control that which is not mine to control. The other category can best be described as letting someone else’s behaviour determine how I feel about myself. This becomes a cesspool, and I have wallowed in it far too many times. Fortunately, I am learning to make better choices. Now, I can walk away, most of the time, when I need to. How about you?
The first few times we make the choice to “be peaceful rather than right,” it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice. Give it a try today.
FEB 4 Detachment is making no one a project.
It’s my guess that since you have found this book of interest, you are able to relate to some of the struggles I have had over the years. One of these is “dancing around” the life of someone else, rather than leading my own life. I am pleased to say I have made a lot of progress in this arena, but for many decades, I didn’t know there was any other way to live. If someone else wasn’t at the center of my life, I wasn’t sure who I was. What a sad existence. What a sad recollection, too.
Not letting someone else determine who we are or what we think or how we feel is revelatory when first encountered as an idea. I was introduced to this notion in 1971 in a book titled Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell. I immediately embraced the philosophy even though I knew it was a truth I was not yet able to practice. Now, many years later, I realize that we are often given the seed of an idea long before it’s able to sprout real growth in our own lives. The fortunate thing is that we are never the same after the idea first presents itself.
I am my only project! Fully embracing this idea gives me so much freedom to do the many things I have been born to do. Others are in our lives for a reason, but they are not present as our works in progress.
FEB 5 Detachment means taking no hostages.
Perhaps you have never thought that your obsession with another person might be defined as hostage taking. Historically, we think of hostages as those people who are imprisoned, particularly in a time of war. However, we can slide quite easily into making a friend or loved one a hostage of sorts by our attempts to control their every move. Our smothering focus can be likened to making them our prisoner. But since the natural inclination of every prisoner is to want to flee, the outcome of our behaviour will never give us the result we are seeking.
Why is it that we are so determined to control someone else? I have given this a lot of consideration for the past few years and have concluded that our need to control others grows out of our own insecurity. We fear abandonment, perhaps, or simple rejection at least. Both will become the reality if we insist on keeping our focus on them rather than on us. Making the decision to change our focus is an available option.
While having a hostage might make us feel secure momentarily, we can always expect them to try to escape. That’s the natural inclination. Is that really how we want to live?
FEB 6 Detachment means giving up outcomes
Perhaps you have heard this wise phrase: Our job is the effort, not the outcome. But how often do we embrace it fully? Generally, we want to secure the result that we have imagined is the perfect one. To do this, we assume that we have to shepherd the project or the situation or the person down the path that leads to our definition of the “natural conclusion.” But the correct conclusion—God’s will—might not even resemble our will. That’s not an easy adjustment to make in our thinking.
Hindsight is so revealing. For just a moment, recall a situation in your past that you were determined to control, but the outcome was simply not what you had envisioned. Can you see how much better God’s outcome was? In my life, had I managed to make happen many of my “educated” choices, I’d not be alive to write this book. Thank goodness God had a far better outcome for me than my own. Now I know, even though I am still inclined to forget, that doing my part and then letting go of the rest will ensure, at the very least, my peace of mind. I like that feeling.
Detaching from outcomes, those that apply to us and those that apply to the actions of others, is the surest way to a peaceful day.
Trying is believing!
FEB 7 Detachment is letting the solutions be determined by God.
Solutions are seldom simple. Perhaps that’s because they generally involve other people too. When any one of us is certain that we have the best solution for any problem or situation confronting us, we have naturally chosen one that benefits us. There’s nothing wrong with that stance. However, it may not be the best solution for all the people who are affected by the situation. Backing off and letting God be a participant in every decision results in an outcome that offers us peace of mind and the most beneficial solution for all.
If only we could remember that God is a willing participant, we might call Him the trouble shooter for every situation we encounter. We don’t ever have to figure out anything alone. God would prefer otherwise, in fact. We need not ever make plans without consultation with the One who always knows the best direction for us to take. God is like having a GPS at our constant disposal that will, without fail, get us to our right destination. Always! And we can enjoy peace of mind. Always!
Giving detachment a chance today will be like getting a paid vacation. We don’t need to attend to situations that belong to others, and we can let God be part of every situation that does involve us. What relief we will feel.
FEB 8 Detachment is understanding that we are never the cause of someone else’s actions.
We live in a society that wants to blame others for every unfortunate situation that befalls us. Taking responsibility for the experiences we have, particularly when they are unpleasant, is not behaviour that comes naturally to us. Most of us likely pattern our ideas and attitudes after those we observed in our homes. Our parents mimicked their parents too, no doubt, so this habit has had a long life. It controls how most of us see and think and behave. It also has coloured the attitudes of the people with whom we are sharing our journey. But it’s time to stop this merry-go-round of blame.
No one can cause us to act in a particular way, and we are not to blame for anyone else’s actions either! Others’ actions are theirs, and solely theirs. Likewise, our choices about how to behave are ours. We might influence others or even be influenced, but the final decision about how one acts falls with the one acting. We may not be all too happy about taking full responsibility for ourselves in every instance, nor in relinquishing the responsibility for how others behave. But we will grow accustomed to this, and it will free us from many burdens. Time will prove this to be true.
Not having to be responsible for anyone but ourselves is a new way of seeing for many of us. Today can be peace-filled if we revel in this understanding.
FEB 9 Detachment is getting over “it,” whatever “it” is.
The insanity of hanging on to those situations or recollections that disturbed our well-being sometimes of occurrences that happened years ago, thinking that if we just figure them out we can change the people or the outcome, is far too familiar. I speak from experience! How often I have let the behaviour of others take control of my emotions or my actions. My memories of a past slight, or an imagined slight, can easily be conjured up, and my feelings can be hurt or I can feel angry all over again. How embarrassing to admit this after all the years I have been making this spiritual journey. But alas, it’s true, and I think it may occasionally be true for others, too.
This is not about living perfectly. It’s about making progress, even a bit of progress, as regularly as possible. My struggle with acceptance has been the big issue lately. I simply have forgotten that it’s not my job to change others or to even expect others to change. My job is to accept people as they are, knowing that their journey is exactly as it needs to be for them, as is mine. We are always where we need to be on this path. We are always traveling with those we need to travel with. Period! There are no accidents. Ever!
I will accept whatever is happening as part of the plan for me today. With God’s help I can be fully accepting.
FEB 10 Detachment is getting over “it,” whatever “it” is.
The insanity of hanging on to those situations or recollections that disturbed our well-being sometimes of occurrences that happened years ago, thinking that if we just figure them out we can change the people or the outcome, is far too familiar. I speak from experience! How often I have let the behaviour of others take control of my emotions or my actions. My memories of a past slight, or an imagined slight, can easily be conjured up, and my feelings can be hurt or I can feel angry all over again. How embarrassing to admit this after all the years I have been making this spiritual journey. But alas, it’s true, and I think it may occasionally be true for others, too.
This is not about living perfectly. It’s about making progress, even a bit of progress, as regularly as possible. My struggle with acceptance has been the big issue lately. I simply have forgotten that it’s not my job to change others or to even expect others to change. My job is to accept people as they are, knowing that their journey is exactly as it needs to be for them, as is mine. We are always where we need to be on this path. We are always traveling with those we need to travel with. Period! There are no accidents. Ever!
I will accept whatever is happening as part of the plan for me today. With God’s help I can be fully accepting.
FEB 11 Detachment simplifies our life
Closely monitoring one life is really quite enough. Paying too close attention to someone else’s life will only upset the balance of our own. We have the energy to live one life, not two or more. It’s God’s work to orchestrate the lives of others. Why are we so insistent on taking on more that we have been selected to do? Could it be that we are afraid others will leave us behind if we aren’t wrapped up in their plans, their daily activities, their dreams for the future?
Having a simpler life, one that concerns itself with only our activities, is really so refreshing. So energizing. So peaceful. Until we remove our attention from the machinations of others, we can’t even get a sense of what having more energy, extended periods of peace, and the joy that comes with detachment feels like. But once we have allowed ourselves to know this feeling we will hunger for it more and more. In time, we will seek the freedom of detachment on a daily basis. And on a daily basis we will live peacefully.
Being peaceful and enjoying the simple life doesn’t have to elude us. Keeping our focus where it belongs is the method for attaining this peace. Today is the right day to seek it.
FEB 12 Detachment is an acquired habit.
Obsession with the actions of others-wishing he or she would change, wanting more attention or perhaps less, wishing our significant others would let us decide their fate-is so exhausting. When we are caught up in the cycle of obsession, we are seldom even aware of how we are letting our own lifes slip away. But slip away they will. Learning how to let go of others and their lives takes willingness, a tremendous commitment to staying the course, and constant practice. If we don’t keep this as a goal for our lives, we will miss the opportunities God is sending us for our own unique growth. We can only do justice to one life; ours.
Being detached from someone does not mean no longer caring for them. It does not mean pretending they no longer exist. It does not mean avoiding all contact with them. Being detached simply means not letting their behavior determine our feelings. It means not letting their behavior determine how we act, how we think, how we pray. Detachment is a loving act of r all concerned. No one wants to be the constant center of someone else’s life, at least not for long. Two people lose their lives when either one is constantly focused on the other. That’s not why we are here.
We can journey together today. From the shared journey we learn. But being enmeshed with another rather than complementing another’s journey will destroy both parties. I will keep this in my memory bank today.
FEB 13 Detachment means freedom from obsession.
I, for one, am all too familiar with how obsessing over the actions of others can cause my emotions to spin out of control. Left unchecked, I can find myself in a downward spiral that feels overwhelming and can lead to the awful feeling of hopelessness that used to be a constant companion. Obsession with others on our path can creep up on us when least expected. But I have come to understand, with the help of those wiser than myself on this journey, that when I am ot staying close enough to my Higher Power, I am very vulnerable to the old habit of watching others and letting how they behave determine how I feel.
I have been on this spiritual journey for many decades, actually for my whole life when I acknowledge that God was always present even when I was unable to acknowledge it. And yet, I can slip away from the very habits that keep me serene, sane, and living in the joy that is my birthright. I am quite certain the same is true for many of you. We can learn how to detach. We can think about God rather than about what someone else is doing or not doing. Moving our thought s from one to the other is the key to happiness. It’s guaranteed.
Being lovingly detached is the best way to honor one another’s journey. Everyone is here for a specific set of lessons. We must allow everyone to follow his or her own inner guidance to learn their lessons.
FEB 14 Detachment is knowing that what others do is not a reflection on you.
When our companions act out or treat us poorly in public, when our friends or partners are rude or ill-behaved in any way, it’s easy to think that others are judging us along with our partner for whatever he or she has done, particularly if we have been guilty of this form of judgment ourselves. I don’t thing we instinctively know that another person’s behaviour reflects solely on them, never on us. If others do judge us for someone else’s behaviour, it’s generally because they are enmeshed in the actions of others themselves.
Having good boundaries with the people on our journey requires daily attention. Because we know others are sharing our journey for the lessons we are both here to learn. It’s easy to slip over the line that actually separates what any one of us individually needs to master. We aren’t separate from one another in the spiritual sense, but that’s another matter. Let’s not confuse the two. When we do, others’ actions and choices get in the way of our peace of mind. And neither of us can find the joy that has been promised us.
Defining our boundaries with others serves both of us. It assures us that we will never get entrapped in emotions that belong to someone else.
FEB 15 Detachment is not making a big deal of situations, even complicated ones.
When I was whining for the umpteenth time about a situation over which I had no control, a good friend said, “So what?” I was initially startled, miffed, and even slightly hurt, but soon realized that she had done me a great service. I was creating a drama over a very minor, though often repeated, situation. And the reality is, we don’t need to dramatize even major situations. When we allow God into the mix of the resolution, calm can prevail. As I have matured, calm has become far more attractive to me.
Knowing that “I can feel peace instead of this” has been a lifesaving mantra. The only problem is that I have to remember to use it. Periodically I slide into old behavior and let what’s happening around me influence how I am feeling. When my emotions get triggered by what I am seeing others do or hearing what others are saying, I have given up my own life for the moment. Their actions or words may not make me angry, but they can create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my own reality, and I’m far better for it.
Creating my own reality is an excellent undertaking every moment of the day. Unless I am in the flow of detaching from others, my reality will be clouded by their behavior.
FEB 16 Detachment empowers us.
The gift of empowerment comes every time we let someone else decide his or her fate. Even the tiny decision someone might be struggling with doesn’t need our input unless asked for. This is not an easy realization to come to grips with. So much of our persona may well be tied to having our friends or family members mirror our choices. And yet, when we lay that expectation on them or simply hold that expectation quietly within, we will experience chaos. No one wants to be controlled. Even when we are subtle about it, it’s recognized and resisted.
You may be wondering what empowerment feels like if this is a new concept to you. It’s probably best understood in terms of synonyms. It’s freedom. It’s peace of mind. It’s not feeling absorbed by the antics of others. It’s clarity of thinking. It’s a feeling of lightness throughout the body. It’s having the time to be joyful and unencumbered. It’s having the sense that God is close. Detachment is truly a gift of great proportions. Nothing can be well attended to when our emotions are attached to the actions of others.
Today I will become willing to let God, not my companions, be the center of my life.
FEB 17 Detachment frees us from overreaction.
Overreacting to the myriad situations in my life whether bona fide major ones or extremely minor incidents, was once standard practice. Maybe you can relate. It made little difference what my spouse or a friend or co-worker did; I was capable of taking their actions or words quite personally and then acting in ways that were seldom fitting for the situation. The idea of considering how I wanted to respond and then actually responding in a sane way had never occurred to me. For decades I had watched my family of origin react to whatever happened, and I was a great imitator.
Learning that there is another way to see, to interpret, to respond is like being given a second chance at life. We are on this path with others because of what we each have to learn. We are journeying together. Intentionally. We are not making the journey for each other or as each other. Doing for others what they need to do for themselves prevents the learning that needs to occur, both ours and theirs. Stepping aside and watching others handle that which is theirs to handle, and not letting what they do determine how we feel, is the “real stuff” of this journey. Discovering this makes every minute pretty exciting.
Making the decision to thoroughly enjoy this or any other day is pretty simple. It relies on our willingness to not let the actions of others take over our minds. We are in charge of what we think, what we way, what we do. Grabbing hold of his principle will change everything.
FEB 18 Detachment may mean doing nothing.
Do nothing! What a concept! With what frequency does your mind savor the idea of doing nothing when a partner or friend pushes your buttons? Probably not very often, unless you have already acquired some understanding of the pitfalls of being too attached to the whims, the behavior, or the attitudes and opinions of others. Simply walking away when our ego really wants to scream in retaliation is not easy. In fact, it may feel nearly impossible. But it can be done. I know; I have learned to do it.
Not responding………in other words, detaching…………doesn’t mean we don’t care what the other person is doing or saying ‘to’ or ‘about’ us. We may care a great deal. But we have to ask ourselves, Will it help this situation for me to say something? If it honestly will, try to speak lovingly; but in most instances, letting the moment pass will be more fruitful. Adding fuel to the embers of an incident will cause it to erupt into flames that can easily get out of control. We have all been there. We don’t ever have to go there again.
Making the choice to do nothing when we feel like someone is trying to egg us on is a hugely important decision. The empowerment we will feel is so worth the effort it takes to simply let the moment pass.
FEB 19 Detachment may be remaining quiet.
The urge to respond verbally, and generally not too kindly, to a perceived attack, an imagined affront, or an unmistakable put-down is overwhelming sometimes. Although giving in to the urge is not the end of the world, it will not help the situation. In most instances, the solution to a situation that borders on ugly is to bless it and let it go. Those who attack us in any form are full of fear. It may be fear of lack of control, fear of not getting what they deserve, fear of rejection, or fear of looking insignificant that makes them do and say what injures others. But certainly fear is at the root.
Saying to ourselves in those situations that no harm is meant will defuse the emotions that might be running through our mind at that time. Responding from an angry place, whether seemingly justified or not, will not make for a productive resolution. The only sensible response to a fearful outburst from someone else is an expression of love, either verbally spoken or quietly embraced in the mind. Countering fear with a fearful expression, which is what all anger engenders, will not result in a peaceful moment in the life of anyone. Giving peace a chance by remaining quiet is a gift to all of us.
Being quiet in the face of a potential disagreement is actually quite rewarding because of the relief it offers. We don’t have to engage in any negative dispute. We don’t have to engage in any conversation of any kind, in fact. Let’s consider standing aside today.
FEB 20 Detachment is not acquiescence.
Detachment is far more analogous to unconditional love than to acquiescence. It means letting our loved ones make their own choices, and that doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, we care so much about them that we know they must travel their own path, rather than ours. Detachment might well be considered one of the most loving of all responses to those who travel with us. While it’s true, as I have written elsewhere, that we travel intentionally with specific people, we do it in concert as learning partners, not as mirrors of one another.
Detachment is a gift to each of us, really. Whether we are detaching from others or they from us, it’s a show of respect every time. To not allow others……..or to not be allowed………to make personal choices limits our growth. Our time here is purposeful. If we steer others in a direction that’s not right for them now, time is wasted, lessons are postponed, and opportunities are missed. They will come again, of course, but not letting them pass us by the first time they visit does mean we are certain to fulfill our purpose in a timely fashion.
Part of our purpose is to care. It’s not to do for others what they should do for themselves, however. There is a time for helping one another and a time for detaching. Let’s not confuse them.
FEB 21 Detachment is disengagement, nothing more.
Detachment is a loving act and quite often a very difficult one. Usually we have to consciously make the decision to let someone else chart their own course and thus define their own life. We mistakenly think that since we are traveling together, we should be able to influence the direction a friend or lover takes, but that’s not the case. Possibly, our opinion will be sought, and in some cases adhered to, but there are no guarantees. We travel side by side because of the lessons we share, and one of the lessons we all have to learn, it seems, is that we cannot control the actions, the opinions, or the decisions anyone else makes.
Initially, this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. Our security feels tied to the choices our loved ones make. Are they going to leave us out of their plans, abandon us perhaps? As we grow in wisdom, however, we realize how very fortunate we are that what others do is not up to us, nor does it define us. Living one life, ours, is enough to handle. Only after experiencing the freedom to letting others be free can we truly understand the gift of detachment.
To be disengaged from what others are choosing to do will give me extra time to do what I need to do today. That’s the primary lesson I am here to learn. I know it and believe it. I will practice it today.
FEB 22 Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer.
For probably the first forty years of my life, I let what others said or did control how I felt. If they smiled, I felt appreciated and worthy. If they frowned or ignored me or spoke harshly, I felt worthless and feared abandonment. How pathetic really. I actually didn’t know there was any other way to respond to the people or the situations in my life. They defined me, with my permission. I was their victim, but I had volunteered for the position. But then in 1974, I was introduced to Al-Anon, and that’s where my life began to change.
Certainly not every one needs Al-Anon to grasp the wisdom that I have come to appreciate in the rooms of recovery. But it is where I learned that the behavior of others has nothing to do with me. It defines them. It reveals how they feel about themselves. When others are not kind, it’s because they are suffering in some way. I have also learned that the best response for me to make to unkind people is to silently bless them and to offer them the hand of kindness. When this is my response, then both of us feel better. Two people can get relief from suffering when one person is kind.
Suffering is always optional. This is a wonderful bit of wisdom to cherish on a daily basis.
FEB 23 Detachment can be triggered by the reminder, “Don’t go there.”
We hold in our minds whatever thought we choose. Some of the thoughts we nurture are loving. Some are confused and negative. Many, unfortunately, are angry and blaming. Holding resentments against others for past hurts (and that’s what all resentments are about) holds us hostage and prevents us from experiencing the next lesson on our “list,” a lesson we have been prepared for. The simple suggestion “don’t go there” can change how we see everything about the incident in front of us. Of course, that means it can change everything about the rest of the day too.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. This is a terribly important distinction. It means that what we are judging in others or allowing to be diminished in us is a figment of our imagination. “Out there” matches our “in here.” When we can thoroughly grasp this realization, our life will begin to look different. The next step is that we will experience it differently too. The learning curve is long and sometimes steep but not beyond our capabilities.
Making “don’t go there” a mantra that we turn to throughout the day can change how we experience every situation that we don’t like.
It promises empowerment and peace of mind. We deserve to make it our most useful tool.
FEB 24 Detachment is not letting someone else determine your present.
Past baggage so readily complicates present experiences, either yours or someone else’s. Accepting that the past has served whatever purpose it had and moving on is one of the primary lessons we are all here to learn. There is only now. Getting our minds around that concept truly releases us to feel the joy that awaits us in each moment. God is here, now. God was in the past too when the past was now. And God will be present in the future when it arrives, but we can only live life one moment at a time. We will grow in gratitude for this awareness when it has fully set in.
Not giving up the past means we are chained to a time and a place that simply have nothing else to teach us. Being held hostage to anyone’s past prevents us from offering to our fellow travelers what they have joined us to learn today. There will be another opportunity, of course. Our lessons follow us, and we them, until we each have fulfilled our part of the bargain. Detaining the process impedes all of us, both those dancing with us now and those dancing elsewhere. We are connected, one and all in the circle of learning.
The past controls the minds of many. But we can walk away from it, our own or someone else’s past. Detaching in this way is necessary if we want to experience peace.
FEB 25 Detachment relies on the “little willingness” to surrender.
For some, having a “little willingness” to surrender may sound like an oxymoron. Isn’t surrendering giving up, and isn’t that an all-or-nothing act? One could say yes, surrendering is all or nothing. But first having a little willingness might be necessary. And this implies that if we open the door just a tiny bit to the idea, God will help us take it the rest of the way. Surrendering with no help from God is not easy for most of us. We may have every intention of surrendering, and we might manage to begin the process, but the full follow-through is a bigger step.
The gifts we receive from surrendering are many. It’s not a defeat, ever, to surrender an argument, to detach from the struggle or the stranglehold another person has on us. Detachment can mean something as simple as walking away from a discussion that has no solution or excusing ourselves from an argument that is getting out of control. Detachment doesn’t mean we can no longer love the person we may have to walk away from. It simply means that nothing good is coming of the discussion we are having right now, and rather than escalate it, we want to do only what would please God. Being quiet is seldom the wrong choice.
Being willing to walk away from a power struggle (or worse) is one of the most peaceful actions we can ever take. Doing it without the help of God is difficult for most of us, but seeing it as an opportunity to get closer to God makes it more appealing and far easier.
FEB 26 Detachment is noticing people without judgment.
Judging others is a major issue for some of us. I am a long way from being the woman I really want to be when it comes to this characteristic. I know that the way through is to remember and then practice, as often as possible, thinking only those thoughts that God would want me to think. Practice doesn’t make perfect, and I frequently fall far short of my goal. But asking God to help me be loving and kind is the first necessary step to doing it.
Willingness coupled with intention, followed next by action, is what allows us to be the people we really want to be. If I don’t want to let judgment rule my thoughts, I have a blueprint for making different choices. It’s very freeing to walk away from judgment. It’s a characteristic that cripples us right along with crippling our relationships with others. We can walk tall. We can free others and ourselves with one decision.
Looking lovingly on others gives both us and them joy. Why wouldn’t we want to do this?
FEB 27 Detachment is freedom from chaos.
Living chaotic lives can become habit-forming, so much so that a person doesn’t even realize there is another way to exist. Some people equate chaos with excitement, in fact. And who doesn’t enjoy excitement, at least occasionally? But not knowing the difference between chaos and excitement means one will likely miss the myriad opportunities to be present in the “right” way to the moment that has called. Chaos is seductive, to be sure. But so is the experience of a peaceful presence once it has been cultivated.
Becoming willing to live one’s experiences differently is the first necessary step to discovering the freedom promised by detaching from upheavals in the lives of others. Just because we are on the journey with someone else doesn’t mean we have to respond to their path. On the contrary, we may be traveling with them so we can show them that there is another way to see and live through a particular experience. We can never know for sure what we have been called to do. But we can know for certain that if we show up lovingly, we will be on the right track.
Every day offers so many opportunities to experience chaos, but for every one of them we can make the choice to be peaceful in that moment instead.
FEB 28 Detachment is “moving away” from a conversation that begins to irritate.
I spent years of my life thinking I had to finish reading every book I started. Even if I only skimmed the chapters in the middle, I needed to get to the last page. I approached conversations with others in the same stuck way. I stayed in them even when I was agitated, obviously unheard, treated disrespectfully, or worse. Learning, as I have, that I can quit a book that doesn’t hold my interest or a conversation that isn’t respectful of my position is very empowering. Making choices that honor us takes practice. For some of us, discovering what honors us even takes time.
Taking baby steps with this idea of detachment is a good beginning. Most of us don’t come by this trait naturally. We easily get drawn into the dramas around us, particularly those involving our loved ones. It’s generally with those who are the closest to us that we have the conversations that might turn tense. The good news about this is that we have daily opportunities to practice detaching our emotions from these difficult conversations. And this doesn’t mean we always have to walk away. We will learn that we can stay in a conversation while remaining detached. That’s one of the lessons we have been promised.
Detachment is an exciting journey. Enjoying the fruits thereof is one of the gifts of this life.
