JAN 1 The New Year Make New Year’s goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you’re interested in fully living life in the year to come.
Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.
What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to see in your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?
What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?
Remember, we aren’t controlling others with our goals - we are trying to give direction to our life.
What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?
What would you like to see happen inside and around you?
Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.
Certainly, things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes, these events are pleasant surprises; sometimes, they are of another nature. But they are all part of the chapter that will be this year in our life and will lead us forward in the story.
The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.
Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly as needed. I will do it not to control but to do my part in living my life.
JAN 2 HEALTHY LIMITS Boundaries are vital to recovery. Having and setting healthy limits is connected to all phases of recovery: growing in self-esteem, dealing with feelings, and learning to really love and value ourselves.
Boundaries emerge from deep within. They are connected to letting go of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve. As our thinking about this becomes clearer, so will our boundaries.
Boundaries are also connected to a higher timing than our own. We’ll set a limit when we’re ready, and not a moment before. So will others.
There’s something magical about reaching that point of becoming ready to set a limit. We know we mean what we say; others take us seriously too. Things change, not because we’re controlling others, but because we’ve changed.
Today, I will trust that I will learn, grow, and set the limits I need in my life at my own pace. This timing need only be right for me.
Jan 3 NURTURING SELF-CARE “……there isn’t a guidebook for setting boundaries. Each of us has our own guide inside ourselves. If we continue to work at recovery, our boundaries will develop. They will get healthy and sensitive. Our selves will tell us what we need to know and we’ll love ourselves enough to listen. –Beyond Codependency
What do we need to do to take care of ourselves?
Listen to that voice inside. What makes you angry? What have you had enough of? What don’t you trust? What doesn’t feel right? What can’t you stand? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you want? Need? What don’t you want and need? What do you like? What would feel good?
In recovery, we learn that self-care leads us on the path to God’s will and plan for our life. Self-care never leads away from our highest good; it leads toward it.
We can trust ourselves. We can take care of ourselves. We are wiser than we think.
Today, I will affirm that I am a gift to myself and the world. I will remember that nurturing self-care delivers that gift in its highest form.
Jan 4 Separating From Family Issues We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.
We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.
We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them----where it belongs----and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
Jan 5 Accepting Help Some of us have felt so alienated that we've forgotten we're not alone. We've come to believe that we have to do it ourselves. Some of us have been abandoned. Some have gone without love. Some of us have gotten used to people never being there for us. Some of us have struggled, had hard lessons to learn.
God is there, always ready to help. There is an ample supply of people to care about us too. We will, if we want it, receive love and support, comfort and nurturing. If we take the risk to ask for it, help is there. We can draw on the strength of our recovery group and allow ourselves to be helped and supported by God.
Friends will come, good friends.
We are not alone. And we do not have to do it ourselves. We are not doing it ourselves. There is no shortage of love. Not anymore.
Today, God, help me let go of my need to do it alone and my belief that I am alone. Help me tap into your Divine Power and Presence, and your resources for love, support, and friendship. Open my eyes and heart so I can see the love, help, and support that is there for me. Help me know that I am loved.
Jan 6 Relationships If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well. A relationship does not begin our life; a relationship does not become our life. A relationship is a continuation of life. ------Beyond Codependency
Relationships are the blessing and bane of recovery. Relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road.
Each day, we are faced with the prospect of functioning in several different relationships. Sometimes, we choose these relationships; sometimes, we don't. The one choice we usually have in our relationships concerns our own behavior. In recovery from codependency, our goal is to behave in ways that demonstrate responsibility for ourselves.
We are learning to acknowledge our power to take care of ourselves in our relationships. We are learning to be intimate with people when possible.
Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to control? Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say may be uncomfortable? Is there someone we have been avoiding because we are afraid to take care of ourselves with that person? Do we need to make an amend? Is there someone we need to reach out to, or show love?
Recovery is not done apart from our relationships. Recovery is done by learning to own our power and to take care of ourselves in relationships.
Today, I will participate in my relationships to the best of my ability. I will make myself available for closeness and sharing with people I trust. I will ask for what I need and give what feels right.
Jan 7 Dealing with Painful Feelings Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are still just feelings.
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.
Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.
Jan 8 Vulnerability Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again. We may automatically go on "feelings freeze mode" when faced with emotional pain. Or, we may terminate a relationship for the first time we feel hurt.
Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery.
It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share. In fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may not have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.
That was yesterday. Today, we don't have to be so frightened of pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don't have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life.
We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that's appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We do not have to analyze or justify our feelings. We need to feel them, and try not to let them control our behavior.
Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it is showing us we're going in a wrong direction; maybe it is triggering a deep healing process.
It is okay to feel hurt; it is okay to cry; it is okay to heal; it is okay to move on to the next feelings when it is time. Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy.
Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it means learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.
Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them. I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships. I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in life.
Jan 9 Responsibility for Ourselves We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.
Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we are responsible for theirs.
It is a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting ourselves to the point of being victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves----for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today, I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
Jan 10 Fear Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All of life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us; fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.
"But I failed before!" "I cannot do it good enough!" "Look at what happened last time!" "What if.........?" These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.
After I finished the first two chapters of a book I was writing, I read them and grimaced. "No good," I thought. "I can't do it." I was ready to pitch the chapters and my writing career out the window. A writer friend called, and I told her about my problems. She listened and told me: "Those chapters are fine. Stop being afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. And keep on writing."
I followed her advice. The book I almost threw away became a New York Times best-seller.
Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to---and are necessary for ----an upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it---whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it is where we need to be.
Today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.
Jan 11 Letting Go of Guilt There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
It is imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We do not have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt---earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. God’s Love, Power and Forgiveness through Christ enable me to do so.
Jan 12 Finding Balance The goal of recovery is balance---that precious middle ground.
Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.
We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.
We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.
We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.
The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.
Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down.
Jan 13 Good Feelings When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trio----pain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realm----happiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, excitement.
It is okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.
We do not have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less-joyous terrain.
It is okay to feel good. We do not have to analyze, judge, or justify. We do not have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.
We can let ourselves feel good.
Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.
Jan 14 Accepting Anger Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. It is one of our emotions. And we are going to feel it when it comes our way------or else repress it.
If I was working a good program, I would not get angry....
If I was a good Christian, I would not feel angry......
If I was really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I would not be angry......
Those old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we cannot afford to ignore it.
In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We do not have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.
Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.
Today, I will let myself be angry, if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.
Jan 15 Standing Up for Ourselves We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences, while others have beneficial consequences. We learn we have choices. It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused.
It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.
"You have rights," we tell them. "And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt."
Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf?
Why can't we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?
There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves---when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.
Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of fighting for ourselves and our own rights.
Sometimes, the lesson won't stop until we do.
Today, I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, God, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.
Jan 16 Prayer As a matter of fact, prayer is the only real action in the full sense of the word, because prayer is the only thing that changes one's character. A change in character, or a change in soul, is a real change. -----Anonymous
Praying and meditating are ways we take care of our spirit. Prayer and meditation are disciplines suggested by the Eleventh Step of Twelve Step recovery programs: Al-Anon, CoDA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and others.
Praying is how we connect with God. We do not pray because we have to; we pray because we want to.
We are learning to take care of our emotions, our mind, and our behaviors. But we are also learning to take care of our spirit, our soul, because that is where all true change begins.
Each time we talk to God, we are transformed. Each time we talk to God we are heard, touched, and changed for the best.
Today, I will practice prayer and meditation. Whether I feel desperate, uneasy, or peaceful, I will make the effort to talk to God, at least for a moment today.
Jan 17 Acting As If The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool. "Acting as if" is a way to practice the positive. It is a positive form of pretending. It is a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck. It is a tool we make a conscious decision to use.
"Acting as if" can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to be fine.
Often, "acting as if" we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.
There are many areas where "acting as if" ----combined with other recovery principles---- will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can "act as if" we have to right to say no, until we believe we do.
We do not pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We do not pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use "acting as if" as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.
"Acting as if" is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low self-esteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest with ourselves. We open up to the positive possibilities of the future, instead of limiting the future by today's feelings and circumstances.
"Acting as if" helps us get past shaky ground and into solid territory.
God, show me the areas where "acting as if" could help set the stage for the reality I desire. Guide me as I use this powerful recovery tool to help create a better life and healthier relationships.
Jan 18 Gratitude Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we are submerged in misery by nightfall.
Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we cannot see the lessons in these experiences.
One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It is called gratitude. We learn to say thank you, for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are.
I do not like this experience, but thank you anyway.
Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.
Jan 19 Owning Our Power There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.
How do we feel when we have been victimized? Helpless. Full of rage. Powerless. Frustrated.
Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.
In recovery, we are learning to identify when we are feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we are feeling victimized. We are learning to own our power, to take care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.
Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves---and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we are attempting to control their process, or we are unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief like: Other people make me feel..........Others hold the key to my happiness............or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place..........
Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.
Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.
We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us, but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.
We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part---not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.
We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.
Today, I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized. I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.
Jan 20 New Beginnings Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person; they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.
Letting go of resentment does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.
We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.
Then we put the incident to rest.
Praying for those we resent helps. Asking God to take our resentments from us helps too.
What better way to begin a new year than by cleaning the slate of the past, and entering this one free of resentments.
God, help me become ready to let go of my resentments. Bring any resentments that are hidden within me, and blocking me, to the surface. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself by letting go of resentments, and then help me do that.
Jan 21 Wants and Needs Part of taking responsibility for ourselves means taking responsibility for what we want and need, and knowing that's okay to do.
Learning to tune-in to ourselves, learning to listen to ourselves, is an art. It takes practice. We can use our ability to guess what others want and need, and apply that skill to ourselves.
What does it sound like we might want and need? What would we guess would help us feel better? What are our feelings telling us? Our body? Our mind? Our intuition?
If we ask, then listen closely; we'll hear the answer.
We are wiser than we think, and we can be trusted.
What we want and need counts. It's important, and it's valid. It's okay to learn to participate in meeting our own needs.
We can learn to identify what we want and need and be patient with ourselves while we're learning.
Today, I will pay attention to what I want and need. I will not discount myself.
Jan 22 Appreciating Our Past It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have merged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.
Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.
Jan 23 New Energy Coming Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, life becomes worth living. And we become grateful.
There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into our life. We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.
There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. Our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past.
The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass.
Do not limit the future by the past!
Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?
Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.
We make these times doubly hard by comparing them to our past. Each situation and circumstance has had its particular influence in shaping who we are. We do not have to scare ourselves by comparing our present and future to a painful past, especially our past before we began recovering or before we learned through a particular experience.
Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accent today, but do not be limited by it. A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.
Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path of obedience. Be open to the new.
Today, God, help me not judge or limit my future by my past. Help me be open to all the exciting possibilities for change, both within and around me.
Jan 24 Clearing the Slate One of the greatest gifts we can give is an open, loving heart. And holding on to negative feelings from past relationships is our greatest barrier to that gift.
Most of us have had relationships that have ended. When we examine these relationships, we need to clear the emotional slate. Are we holding on to anger or resentments? Are we still feeling victimized? Are we living with the self-defeating beliefs that may be attached to these relationships---- Women cannot be trusted......... Bosses use people.........There is no such thing as a good relationship.............
Let go of all that may be blocking your relationships today. With great certainty, we can know that old feelings and self-defeating beliefs will block us today from giving and getting the love we desire. We can clear the slate of the past. It begins with awareness, honesty, and openness.
The process is complete when we reach a state of acceptance and peace toward all from our past.
Today, I will begin the process of letting go of all self- defeating feelings and beliefs connected to past relationships. I will clear my slate so I am free to love and be loved.
Jan 25 Step One We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable. -------Step One
There are many different versions of the First Step for recovering codependents. Some of us admit powerlessness over alcohol or another's alcoholism. Some of us admit powerlessness over people; some over the impact of growing up in an alcoholic family.
One of the most significant words in the First Step is the word "we". We come together because of a common problem, and, in the coming together, we find a common solution.
Through the fellowship of Twelve Step programs, many of us discover that although we may have felt alone in our pain, others have experienced a similar suffering. And now many are joining hands in a similar recovery.
"We". A significant part of recovery. A shared experience. A shared strength, stronger for the sharing. A shared hope-- for better lives and relationships.
Today, I will be grateful for the many people across the world who call themselves "recovering codependents." Help me know that each time one of us takes a step forward we pull the entire group forward.
Jan 26 Off the Hook We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships---behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We are about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsibility for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we are dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from ourselves. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty that I, and others, deserve.
Jan 27 Needing People We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.
Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.
Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.
If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.
We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.
Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the love that is there for me.
Jan 28 Staying in the Present Moment Often, one of our biggest questions is "What's going to happen?" We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, our life. It is easy to tangle ourselves up in worrisome thoughts.
Worrying about what is going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what is going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.
Worrying about what is going to happen is a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.
Things will work out, if we let them. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.
I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live in peace today. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what is happening now instead of what is going to happen tomorrow.
Jan 29 Going to Meetings I am still amazed, after years of recovering, at how easily I can begin to talk myself out of attending meetings. I am also still amazed at how good I feel when I go. ---Anonymous
We don't have to stay stuck in our misery and discomfort. An immediate option is available that will help us feel better: Go to a meeting, a Twelve Step support group.
Why resist what can help us feel better? Why sit in our obsession or depression when attending a meeting---even if that means an extra meeting----would help us feel better?
Too busy?
There are 168 hours in each week. Taking 1 or 2 hours a week for a meeting can maximize the potential of the remaining 166 hours. If we get into our "codependent stuff," we can easily spend a majority of our waking hours obsessing, sitting and doing nothing, laying in bed and feeling depressed, or chasing after other people's needs. Not taking those 2 hours for a meeting can cause us to waste the remaining hours.
Too tired?
There is nothing as invigorating as getting back on track. Going to a meeting can accomplish that.
Today, I will remember that going to meetings helps.
Jan 30 Step Two "...........a Power greater than ourselves........God as we understood Him."
These words introduce spirituality for the Twelve Steps. They are the first two references to God, and they are worded that way for a reason.
Twelve Step programs were born in the mid-1930s with the establishment of the first program, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). AA was adapted from a Christian revival organization referred to as the Oxford Group. To read more go to
All the movements of the church beginning with Peter and Paul and the other apostles had as their goal a spiritual awakening or renewal which was true of the Oxford Group (originally called "A First Century Christian Fellowship"), an evangelistic movement in the 1900s, out of which the Twelve Steps grew. The Twelve Steps have at their heart the desire to take a healing message to people caught in unwholesome lifestyles.
In Christian Recovery groups, the members define God from the Bible. Their Higher Power is Jesus Christ.
In secular Twelve Step groups, the members each have the freedom to define, and understand God as they choose.
Today, I will respect other people in their understanding of God and I will not allow others' judgment of my beliefs to cause me anxiety and distress. I will simply seek to grow spiritually in recovery.
Jan 31 Past Present Future One faces the future with one’s past. –Pearl S. Buck
We are never divorced from our past. We are in company with it forever, and it acquaints us with the present. Our responses today reflect our experiences yesterday. And those roots lie in the past. Every day is offering us preparation for the future, for the lessons to come, without which we’d not offer our full measure to the design which contains the development of us all.
Our experiences, past and present, are not coincidental. We will be introduced to those experiences that are consistent with our talents and the right lessons designated for the part we are requested to play in life. We can remember that no experiences will attract us that are beyond our capabilities to handle. All is well. I’m ready for whatever comes today. My yesterdays have prepared me.
Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.
What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to see in your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?
What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?
Remember, we aren’t controlling others with our goals - we are trying to give direction to our life.
What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?
What would you like to see happen inside and around you?
Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.
Certainly, things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes, these events are pleasant surprises; sometimes, they are of another nature. But they are all part of the chapter that will be this year in our life and will lead us forward in the story.
The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.
Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly as needed. I will do it not to control but to do my part in living my life.
JAN 2 HEALTHY LIMITS Boundaries are vital to recovery. Having and setting healthy limits is connected to all phases of recovery: growing in self-esteem, dealing with feelings, and learning to really love and value ourselves.
Boundaries emerge from deep within. They are connected to letting go of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve. As our thinking about this becomes clearer, so will our boundaries.
Boundaries are also connected to a higher timing than our own. We’ll set a limit when we’re ready, and not a moment before. So will others.
There’s something magical about reaching that point of becoming ready to set a limit. We know we mean what we say; others take us seriously too. Things change, not because we’re controlling others, but because we’ve changed.
Today, I will trust that I will learn, grow, and set the limits I need in my life at my own pace. This timing need only be right for me.
Jan 3 NURTURING SELF-CARE “……there isn’t a guidebook for setting boundaries. Each of us has our own guide inside ourselves. If we continue to work at recovery, our boundaries will develop. They will get healthy and sensitive. Our selves will tell us what we need to know and we’ll love ourselves enough to listen. –Beyond Codependency
What do we need to do to take care of ourselves?
Listen to that voice inside. What makes you angry? What have you had enough of? What don’t you trust? What doesn’t feel right? What can’t you stand? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you want? Need? What don’t you want and need? What do you like? What would feel good?
In recovery, we learn that self-care leads us on the path to God’s will and plan for our life. Self-care never leads away from our highest good; it leads toward it.
We can trust ourselves. We can take care of ourselves. We are wiser than we think.
Today, I will affirm that I am a gift to myself and the world. I will remember that nurturing self-care delivers that gift in its highest form.
Jan 4 Separating From Family Issues We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.
We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.
We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them----where it belongs----and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
Jan 5 Accepting Help Some of us have felt so alienated that we've forgotten we're not alone. We've come to believe that we have to do it ourselves. Some of us have been abandoned. Some have gone without love. Some of us have gotten used to people never being there for us. Some of us have struggled, had hard lessons to learn.
God is there, always ready to help. There is an ample supply of people to care about us too. We will, if we want it, receive love and support, comfort and nurturing. If we take the risk to ask for it, help is there. We can draw on the strength of our recovery group and allow ourselves to be helped and supported by God.
Friends will come, good friends.
We are not alone. And we do not have to do it ourselves. We are not doing it ourselves. There is no shortage of love. Not anymore.
Today, God, help me let go of my need to do it alone and my belief that I am alone. Help me tap into your Divine Power and Presence, and your resources for love, support, and friendship. Open my eyes and heart so I can see the love, help, and support that is there for me. Help me know that I am loved.
Jan 6 Relationships If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well. A relationship does not begin our life; a relationship does not become our life. A relationship is a continuation of life. ------Beyond Codependency
Relationships are the blessing and bane of recovery. Relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road.
Each day, we are faced with the prospect of functioning in several different relationships. Sometimes, we choose these relationships; sometimes, we don't. The one choice we usually have in our relationships concerns our own behavior. In recovery from codependency, our goal is to behave in ways that demonstrate responsibility for ourselves.
We are learning to acknowledge our power to take care of ourselves in our relationships. We are learning to be intimate with people when possible.
Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to control? Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say may be uncomfortable? Is there someone we have been avoiding because we are afraid to take care of ourselves with that person? Do we need to make an amend? Is there someone we need to reach out to, or show love?
Recovery is not done apart from our relationships. Recovery is done by learning to own our power and to take care of ourselves in relationships.
Today, I will participate in my relationships to the best of my ability. I will make myself available for closeness and sharing with people I trust. I will ask for what I need and give what feels right.
Jan 7 Dealing with Painful Feelings Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are still just feelings.
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.
Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.
Jan 8 Vulnerability Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again. We may automatically go on "feelings freeze mode" when faced with emotional pain. Or, we may terminate a relationship for the first time we feel hurt.
Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery.
It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share. In fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may not have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.
That was yesterday. Today, we don't have to be so frightened of pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don't have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life.
We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that's appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We do not have to analyze or justify our feelings. We need to feel them, and try not to let them control our behavior.
Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it is showing us we're going in a wrong direction; maybe it is triggering a deep healing process.
It is okay to feel hurt; it is okay to cry; it is okay to heal; it is okay to move on to the next feelings when it is time. Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy.
Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it means learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.
Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them. I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships. I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in life.
Jan 9 Responsibility for Ourselves We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.
Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we are responsible for theirs.
It is a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting ourselves to the point of being victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves----for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today, I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
Jan 10 Fear Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All of life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us; fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.
"But I failed before!" "I cannot do it good enough!" "Look at what happened last time!" "What if.........?" These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.
After I finished the first two chapters of a book I was writing, I read them and grimaced. "No good," I thought. "I can't do it." I was ready to pitch the chapters and my writing career out the window. A writer friend called, and I told her about my problems. She listened and told me: "Those chapters are fine. Stop being afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. And keep on writing."
I followed her advice. The book I almost threw away became a New York Times best-seller.
Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to---and are necessary for ----an upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it---whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it is where we need to be.
Today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.
Jan 11 Letting Go of Guilt There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
It is imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We do not have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt---earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. God’s Love, Power and Forgiveness through Christ enable me to do so.
Jan 12 Finding Balance The goal of recovery is balance---that precious middle ground.
Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.
We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.
We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.
We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.
The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.
Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down.
Jan 13 Good Feelings When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trio----pain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realm----happiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, excitement.
It is okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.
We do not have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less-joyous terrain.
It is okay to feel good. We do not have to analyze, judge, or justify. We do not have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.
We can let ourselves feel good.
Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.
Jan 14 Accepting Anger Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. It is one of our emotions. And we are going to feel it when it comes our way------or else repress it.
If I was working a good program, I would not get angry....
If I was a good Christian, I would not feel angry......
If I was really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I would not be angry......
Those old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we cannot afford to ignore it.
In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We do not have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.
Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.
Today, I will let myself be angry, if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.
Jan 15 Standing Up for Ourselves We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences, while others have beneficial consequences. We learn we have choices. It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused.
It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.
"You have rights," we tell them. "And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt."
Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf?
Why can't we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?
There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves---when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.
Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of fighting for ourselves and our own rights.
Sometimes, the lesson won't stop until we do.
Today, I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, God, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.
Jan 16 Prayer As a matter of fact, prayer is the only real action in the full sense of the word, because prayer is the only thing that changes one's character. A change in character, or a change in soul, is a real change. -----Anonymous
Praying and meditating are ways we take care of our spirit. Prayer and meditation are disciplines suggested by the Eleventh Step of Twelve Step recovery programs: Al-Anon, CoDA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and others.
Praying is how we connect with God. We do not pray because we have to; we pray because we want to.
We are learning to take care of our emotions, our mind, and our behaviors. But we are also learning to take care of our spirit, our soul, because that is where all true change begins.
Each time we talk to God, we are transformed. Each time we talk to God we are heard, touched, and changed for the best.
Today, I will practice prayer and meditation. Whether I feel desperate, uneasy, or peaceful, I will make the effort to talk to God, at least for a moment today.
Jan 17 Acting As If The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool. "Acting as if" is a way to practice the positive. It is a positive form of pretending. It is a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck. It is a tool we make a conscious decision to use.
"Acting as if" can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to be fine.
Often, "acting as if" we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.
There are many areas where "acting as if" ----combined with other recovery principles---- will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can "act as if" we have to right to say no, until we believe we do.
We do not pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We do not pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use "acting as if" as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.
"Acting as if" is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low self-esteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest with ourselves. We open up to the positive possibilities of the future, instead of limiting the future by today's feelings and circumstances.
"Acting as if" helps us get past shaky ground and into solid territory.
God, show me the areas where "acting as if" could help set the stage for the reality I desire. Guide me as I use this powerful recovery tool to help create a better life and healthier relationships.
Jan 18 Gratitude Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we are submerged in misery by nightfall.
Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we cannot see the lessons in these experiences.
One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It is called gratitude. We learn to say thank you, for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are.
I do not like this experience, but thank you anyway.
Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.
Jan 19 Owning Our Power There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.
How do we feel when we have been victimized? Helpless. Full of rage. Powerless. Frustrated.
Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.
In recovery, we are learning to identify when we are feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we are feeling victimized. We are learning to own our power, to take care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.
Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves---and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we are attempting to control their process, or we are unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief like: Other people make me feel..........Others hold the key to my happiness............or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place..........
Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.
Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.
We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us, but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.
We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part---not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.
We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.
Today, I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized. I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.
Jan 20 New Beginnings Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person; they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.
Letting go of resentment does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.
We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.
Then we put the incident to rest.
Praying for those we resent helps. Asking God to take our resentments from us helps too.
What better way to begin a new year than by cleaning the slate of the past, and entering this one free of resentments.
God, help me become ready to let go of my resentments. Bring any resentments that are hidden within me, and blocking me, to the surface. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself by letting go of resentments, and then help me do that.
Jan 21 Wants and Needs Part of taking responsibility for ourselves means taking responsibility for what we want and need, and knowing that's okay to do.
Learning to tune-in to ourselves, learning to listen to ourselves, is an art. It takes practice. We can use our ability to guess what others want and need, and apply that skill to ourselves.
What does it sound like we might want and need? What would we guess would help us feel better? What are our feelings telling us? Our body? Our mind? Our intuition?
If we ask, then listen closely; we'll hear the answer.
We are wiser than we think, and we can be trusted.
What we want and need counts. It's important, and it's valid. It's okay to learn to participate in meeting our own needs.
We can learn to identify what we want and need and be patient with ourselves while we're learning.
Today, I will pay attention to what I want and need. I will not discount myself.
Jan 22 Appreciating Our Past It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have merged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.
Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.
Jan 23 New Energy Coming Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, life becomes worth living. And we become grateful.
There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into our life. We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.
There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. Our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past.
The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass.
Do not limit the future by the past!
Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?
Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.
We make these times doubly hard by comparing them to our past. Each situation and circumstance has had its particular influence in shaping who we are. We do not have to scare ourselves by comparing our present and future to a painful past, especially our past before we began recovering or before we learned through a particular experience.
Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accent today, but do not be limited by it. A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.
Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path of obedience. Be open to the new.
Today, God, help me not judge or limit my future by my past. Help me be open to all the exciting possibilities for change, both within and around me.
Jan 24 Clearing the Slate One of the greatest gifts we can give is an open, loving heart. And holding on to negative feelings from past relationships is our greatest barrier to that gift.
Most of us have had relationships that have ended. When we examine these relationships, we need to clear the emotional slate. Are we holding on to anger or resentments? Are we still feeling victimized? Are we living with the self-defeating beliefs that may be attached to these relationships---- Women cannot be trusted......... Bosses use people.........There is no such thing as a good relationship.............
Let go of all that may be blocking your relationships today. With great certainty, we can know that old feelings and self-defeating beliefs will block us today from giving and getting the love we desire. We can clear the slate of the past. It begins with awareness, honesty, and openness.
The process is complete when we reach a state of acceptance and peace toward all from our past.
Today, I will begin the process of letting go of all self- defeating feelings and beliefs connected to past relationships. I will clear my slate so I am free to love and be loved.
Jan 25 Step One We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable. -------Step One
There are many different versions of the First Step for recovering codependents. Some of us admit powerlessness over alcohol or another's alcoholism. Some of us admit powerlessness over people; some over the impact of growing up in an alcoholic family.
One of the most significant words in the First Step is the word "we". We come together because of a common problem, and, in the coming together, we find a common solution.
Through the fellowship of Twelve Step programs, many of us discover that although we may have felt alone in our pain, others have experienced a similar suffering. And now many are joining hands in a similar recovery.
"We". A significant part of recovery. A shared experience. A shared strength, stronger for the sharing. A shared hope-- for better lives and relationships.
Today, I will be grateful for the many people across the world who call themselves "recovering codependents." Help me know that each time one of us takes a step forward we pull the entire group forward.
Jan 26 Off the Hook We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships---behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We are about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsibility for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we are dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from ourselves. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty that I, and others, deserve.
Jan 27 Needing People We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.
Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.
Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.
If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.
We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.
Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the love that is there for me.
Jan 28 Staying in the Present Moment Often, one of our biggest questions is "What's going to happen?" We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, our life. It is easy to tangle ourselves up in worrisome thoughts.
Worrying about what is going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what is going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.
Worrying about what is going to happen is a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.
Things will work out, if we let them. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.
I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live in peace today. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what is happening now instead of what is going to happen tomorrow.
Jan 29 Going to Meetings I am still amazed, after years of recovering, at how easily I can begin to talk myself out of attending meetings. I am also still amazed at how good I feel when I go. ---Anonymous
We don't have to stay stuck in our misery and discomfort. An immediate option is available that will help us feel better: Go to a meeting, a Twelve Step support group.
Why resist what can help us feel better? Why sit in our obsession or depression when attending a meeting---even if that means an extra meeting----would help us feel better?
Too busy?
There are 168 hours in each week. Taking 1 or 2 hours a week for a meeting can maximize the potential of the remaining 166 hours. If we get into our "codependent stuff," we can easily spend a majority of our waking hours obsessing, sitting and doing nothing, laying in bed and feeling depressed, or chasing after other people's needs. Not taking those 2 hours for a meeting can cause us to waste the remaining hours.
Too tired?
There is nothing as invigorating as getting back on track. Going to a meeting can accomplish that.
Today, I will remember that going to meetings helps.
Jan 30 Step Two "...........a Power greater than ourselves........God as we understood Him."
These words introduce spirituality for the Twelve Steps. They are the first two references to God, and they are worded that way for a reason.
Twelve Step programs were born in the mid-1930s with the establishment of the first program, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). AA was adapted from a Christian revival organization referred to as the Oxford Group. To read more go to
All the movements of the church beginning with Peter and Paul and the other apostles had as their goal a spiritual awakening or renewal which was true of the Oxford Group (originally called "A First Century Christian Fellowship"), an evangelistic movement in the 1900s, out of which the Twelve Steps grew. The Twelve Steps have at their heart the desire to take a healing message to people caught in unwholesome lifestyles.
In Christian Recovery groups, the members define God from the Bible. Their Higher Power is Jesus Christ.
In secular Twelve Step groups, the members each have the freedom to define, and understand God as they choose.
Today, I will respect other people in their understanding of God and I will not allow others' judgment of my beliefs to cause me anxiety and distress. I will simply seek to grow spiritually in recovery.
Jan 31 Past Present Future One faces the future with one’s past. –Pearl S. Buck
We are never divorced from our past. We are in company with it forever, and it acquaints us with the present. Our responses today reflect our experiences yesterday. And those roots lie in the past. Every day is offering us preparation for the future, for the lessons to come, without which we’d not offer our full measure to the design which contains the development of us all.
Our experiences, past and present, are not coincidental. We will be introduced to those experiences that are consistent with our talents and the right lessons designated for the part we are requested to play in life. We can remember that no experiences will attract us that are beyond our capabilities to handle. All is well. I’m ready for whatever comes today. My yesterdays have prepared me.
