JAN 1 Detachment is no longer living in the tumultuous spaces of other peoples’ minds. One of the first things handed to me by my sponsor when I got sober was the AA acceptance pamphlet. She told me, “Read it and believe every word; it will change your life.” I did read it, over and over; I even tucked it under my pillow. But I still had trouble staying out of the minds of others. And I was extremely good at letting those same others live, rent free, in my mind. Discerning who I was and who others were had always been blurred for me. I so wanted to belong that allowing myself to live in the midst of others’ minds and vice versa seemed better than not knowing where I loved at all. Fortunately, those days are long gone now.
But when someone is vulnerable due to illness, lack of rests, an unhealthy diet, an emotional upset of some kind, or even a mild affront by a friend or partner, it’s easy to fall back and repeat our earlier responses to unfriendly situations confronting us. Climbing back into someone else’s mind isn’t that difficult, unfortunately. Staying there for as long as we did before is unlikely, however. That’s the payoff from incorporating new information and practicing a new set of behaviors.
To the uninitiated, accepting others as they are with no hope of changing them may seem like a joyless way to live. But, on the contrary, it’s the only way to actually experience lasting joy.
I will let others be and enjoy them for who they are. My lesson is to let go. Every day, anew, this is the lesson: to let go.
JAN 2 Detachment doesn’t mean separation from our loved ones. It means acceptance of who and what they are. I used to think that detachment meant I had to separate myself completely from the person who was getting too much of my attention. I didn’t seem able to let someone be in my life without them taking over my life. Therefore, my only alternative was to deny or ignore their presence altogether, which meant I wasn’t able to claim the lessons I had been destined to receive from that person.
Our loved ones cry out to be accepted by us, and we never refuse to accept people as they are, we are creating a separation that breeds ill will along with illness. The desire, in fact the need, to join with others les deep within us, but we can deny that call. And when we do, we fail ourselves, one another, and the entire human community.
We so easily misconstrue the meaning of detachment. It’s not about denying the presence or the importance of anyone. It’s not about moving on without our loved ones. It’s not about judgment. Detachment is about taking care of ourselves and letting others do the same. Freedom for all is detachment in action.
Detachment doesn’t preclude joining with our loved ones. But distinct separation will result in our relationships being harmed. The better choice between the two is clearly discernible.
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JAN 3 Detachment is a gift to one and all. Many of us go through life connected at the hip, so to speak, with someone we consider special and “ours.” If we aren’t attached” to someone, we feel unworthy. Our journey is about coming to understand that attaching ourselves to God is what promises us the worthiness and security we seek, and this realization will change every experience, every day.
God’s grace, which is our gift, is what allows us to know and appreciate detachment. His grace moves us from where we are at any moment to a very soft and secure place. God’s presence is certain. The presence of others can be fleeting.
Needing others on our journey does not mean that we are lesser beings and have no life of our own. Indeed, having a rich and full life of our own is the very gift we bring to those special relationships that attract our attention.
For decades I have pondered why so many feel that without a life partner they are nothing. The answer may vary for different people, but I think at one time in my life it was because I felt invisible, even among friends, and I wanted one person, at the very least, to make me feel important. So when that person showed up, I clung. My attachment suffocated him and the relationship. I was a very slow learner; I suffocated many before I learned the value of detachment. Now I treasure being able to let God give me all the comfort and security I need.
Detachment is a gift that benefits everyone. Not being the constant focus of someone else is freeing. Not making someone else our “assignment” lets us live the life we are here to live.
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Jan 4 Detachment never means being rude or dismissive. For some, the idea of detachment may be elusive. It’s a word that’s more common in some circles than others. When I first heard the term, I assumed that shunning other was a reasonable way to express detachment. I had no idea that it was actually an act of love. I thought criticism might fit with the idea of detachment, but seeing detachment as allowing a person to be who he or she needed to be, without interference, without being judged or put down or ignored, were all very new ideas for me to incorporate.
But I am incorporating them, and my life is being transformed. What a pleasure to make the decision to refrain from criticizing others for who they are. I can’t say I succeed 100 percent of the time. But I am adding many moments of peace to the world I inhabit by the many times I choose to think a thought that pleases God, rather than one I might have chosen to think before being introduced to the principle of detachment. Initially, letting others be, without comment from me, is truly an act of will, but in time it becomes an act of choice. The benefits are immeasurable.
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Giving up being rude simplifies our lives. Letting God direct our thoughts simplifies them even more. It is God’s hope that we let others be. That’s detachment.
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Jan 5 Detachment is a growth opportunity that we can claim every day of our lives. The celebration of detachment is not what I sought when first introduced to the concept. I didn’t want to be detached. I wanted to be attached. To me, that meant I was “chosen,” and there was really nothing more important to me at the time. Celebrating my life as a woman with specific gifts and goals didn’t seem inclusive enough. I wanted others to be with me, living my life every step of the way for validation. Not until my forties did I see the value of living in concert, in sync, but not enmeshed with that special other person.
What I see now is that we can walk among others and have our own life intact. We can allow others to do and be whomever their Spirit is calling them to be. We can witness them but not expect them to turn their life and will over to us. This means we will be able to see all the other invitations that might be swimming our way. When we are too involved in the life of someone else, perhaps demanding that they be a constant part of our life, we will never experience the individual growth we deserve.
Being detached doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean feeling no connection to someone else. It is not a way to distance ourselves from others. It is an expression of honest love for both of us in the relationship. This is such good news when we finally are able to hear it and absorb it. Witnessing is the gift; detachment is the tool.
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Are you ready to grow today in whatever way is calling you? Unless you are living a life free from the obsession with others, you will miss one opportunity after another, and most will never come again.
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Jan 6 Detachment is not to be confused with disloyalty. Trusting in the process of letting others have the growth they are here to experience is freedom for all concerned. Unfortunately, I have many memories of wanting to hold someone back from an experience they were ready for. My lack of trust in their process occurred because I didn’t trust that my Higher Power was part of my process. I planned my life around them and if they were moving on, or if I was, what would happen to us?
Fortunately, I have finally claimed detachment as one of my most treasured assets. I am not always good at it; I do still want to control fear too often. But I had to learn that detachment didn’t mean turning my back on someone before I could learn to feel good about adding it to my repertoire of characteristics. It has freed me and my loved ones in ways that neither I nor they could have imagined.
I sometimes wonder how my earlier relationships might have fared had I known then what I love knowing and living now. But I do also believe that we are always where we need to be, learning the lessons we are ready for. In earlier relationships I simply wasn’t ready for the information I now cherish. There is no need for remorse. We were only ready for what we were ready for.
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Deciding to trust that everyone has their own Higher Power frees us to listen to ours. We can’t know what’s right for someone else. And letting them find their own way, without our input, is not being disloyal; on the contrary, its being respectful.
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Jan 7 Detachment from the problems of others is God’s will. They and God will solve what needs to be solved. Remembering that everyone has his or her own Higher Power relieves us of so much stress. Taking on someone else’s problems, even when they touch us in some way, is not necessary. That’s what God is for. God is waiting to be called on. Our Higher Power is always just a prayer, an idea, or a question away.
Why is this so hard to remember? Even after we glimpse the power of this truth, we have to be willing to pray, asking God for the help we need that has already been promised to us. God knows our needs. But it’s helpful for us to think them or voice them so that we know them too. That way we can recognize when the help has arrived.
The same is true for our companions. Their problems are for God to solve. We are not participants in their solutions. We can listen, we can share what has worked for us, we can pray with them. But we are not here to convey god’s will.
Watching others discover the power inherent in prayer lets us witness the power inherent in our detachment from them as they seek their own solutions. All of us are emboldened by the success that any one of us has with both prayer and detachment. Prayer and detachment complement each other.
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When we need guidance, we seek God’s will. When we need comfort, we seek God’s presence. When we seem called to solve a problem for someone else, we let them go to God. In that way, all will be served.
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Jan 8 Detachment is one of the most loving of all our actions. How does staying uninvolved with the situations in others’ lives seem loving? I spent years assuming the opposite was true. I was very clever at wiggling my way into one life or another. Not being involved with the problems of the many people on my path felt unsympathetic and selfish. It also felt lonely. Perhaps my loneliness was what truly initiated my clinging to others.
Being told that detaching from the lives of others, their problems, and their cries for help is the best, most loving response we can make seems farfetched, doesn’t it? It took the wisdom of many voices to convince me that this was my best response to the people and situations I so frequently found myself in.
I do think we find ourselves in circumstances where we can best learn what’s needed for the next leg of our journey. I can’t be more grateful than I am for having learned the joy that accompanies the act of detachment. To be honest, at one time I didn’t think detaching from the lives of problems of others was ever going to be worth my effort. How wrong I was. It has taught me love-how to express it, how to receive it, how to savor it.
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Love comes in many forms. One of the most helpful forms for all the companions we will know today or any day is detachment. It’s what gives us the most freedom and ultimately the most wisdom too. God lives in the tiny spaces of our letting go.
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Jan 9 Detachment empowers. We all have dreams. Some of us have bigger dreams than others. My husband’s was to build an experimental aircraft, which he is currently doing. I have one friend whose dream is to run a marathon, and she is training for her first on at age sixty-one. My aunt’s dream was to live until she was one hundred. She made it, just shy by two months, but she told us all she was one hundred anyway. In her mind, she had made it. And my mother’s dream was to learn to drive; at age fifty-two she took lessons, secretly, and surprised all of us.
My dream is to continue writing until the day I die. I am reminded of Frida Kaholo and how she painted lying down when she was in too much pain to stand or sit. It was her dream to simply keep painting.
The dream that any one of us has can best come to fruition if we have clear boundaries between what is ours to do and what belongs to others. When the boundaries are clear, we are empowered to follow our passions. We simply can’t follow our bliss if we are tied to the dreams or problems of others. Therefore, detachment is a necessary tool and one that we must practice repeatedly if we really want to fulfill our own dreams.
Remember, when someone else is following his or her own bliss, it does not mean we don’t matter to them. It’s really a gift for any of us when we are following our dream. But our minds can’t be two places at once.
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Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. That’s why they have visited us. The only thing standing in our way is our over-involvement in the lives of others. Detach and watch the dream unfold.
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Jan 10 Detachment offers us freedom from blame. To blame others for what is not going right in our life is such a temptation. I blamed others for years. I saw it practiced in my home and with friends. It simply became habitual, thoughtlessly habitual, and it’s a very difficult habit to break. What has successfully worked for me, much of the time, is the decision to remain quiet, to detach from the person or the situation that is getting under my skin. I didn’t believe this choice was a viable one for many years. It did take focused effort and many hours of practice –many years of practice. But I have made progress.
Choosing to forego blame actually feels very good. Taking responsibility for what we have done and letting others off the hook when they aren’t ready to do the same is really very freeing. Having made a practice of letting others do and be whatever appeals to them is a gift ot ourselves and to them, a gift that simply changes every aspect of our journey.
We are here to watch and learn. We are here to bless and witness. We are here to offer guidance when sought. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope. Our purpose is never to blame. Everyone is stuck in an old perspective, a place where growth can’t happen, if we are caught in the web of blaming.
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We can break free from blaming any time we want. The door to a new way of seeing and behaving is always open.
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Jan 11 Detachment is like a breath of fresh air. This may seem like an unusual way to describe detachment, but when I practice detachment, if feels as though I am letting my shoulders relax and simply breathing deeply after trying to hold on to the unmanageable. Hanging on to others, in any fashion, will never be successful. We can’t hold back their minds, their actions, their opinions. Letting go fo every aspect of whom someone else chooses to be is not easy, but it’s so rewarding, once we get accustomed to it.
It makes our own lives so much simpler when we let those who walk among us do whatever they want to do. Now, of course, when our offspring are young, we can’t let them be unsupervised. But it’s folly to think that we will be able to control their every move. Their own free will will surface quite regularly, just as ours continues to do. But our acknowledging that it’s okay for them and all others to listen to guiding voices different from our own results in many opportunities for gratitude. Being grateful for even the tiny experiences that we have with letting others be, letting others do that which they feel called to do, even if it proves to be wrong in the long run, is the breath of fresh air we deserve.
There are many gifts that come with detachment. Relaxation is one of them. Freedom from stress is another. A quiet mind is perhaps the best of all. Gratitude becomes all-encompassing when we really let others live their own lives. I am so glad I made a commitment to this practice.
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The commitment to detach from the lives of others begins with a decision. It’s a decision we can make moment by moment. Yet it is life changing.
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Jan 12 Prayer is an effective way to help us detach from the behavior of others. We can only hold on to one thought at a time. Making the one though we are dwelling on a prayer in a time of turmoil means we can’t be thinking that someone ought to be doing something they aren’t currently doing. This is a great shorthand way of changing wo we are and how every moment feels. This is not to imply that we need to be in silent repose all day. But rather, when we begin to harbor thoughts about anyone else, thoughts that aren’t loving, gentle, and accepting, it’s time to ask God for another thought. Prayer can be quick and simple. We can do it with our eyes open as well as closed.
Knowing that detachment happens most effectively when we are in partnership with God gives me great relief. There are simply too many things that are hard to handle all alone. And what I’ve learned from my may years on this spiritual path is that none of them will be very effectively translated into a peaceful life if I ignore the help from God, as I understand Him or Her, that’s available just as soon as I seek it.
It’s important to acknowledge the many others who are traveling with me, too. They are not accidental travelers accompanying me on this path. It’s by design; it’s all by design. And that’s the best news of all. It makes detachment even easier, don’t you agree?
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Prayer is the solution. Detachment is the tool. Peace of mind is the gift.
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Jan 13 Unless we practice detachment, we will find ourselves reacting many times a day. Choosing a right action is always preferable to falling into an automatic reaction. But the latter is the common response for many of us. For years, I constantly reacted to what people were doing or saying. I reacted to their opinions and tried to make mine similar where possible or to convince them to change theirs. I made many important decisions about very personal details of my life in reaction to the decisions others were making. I didn’t take stock of me and what I wanted. Frankly, I wasn’t sure how one did that. I tried to be what someone else thought I should be. It got me drunk, It got me divorced! It got me depressed, lonely, and confused.
Not everyone has had results like mine, perhaps, but no one has a fully productive or peaceful life if he or she is simply trying to fit in in order to be accepted. Perhaps growing up in a family that didn’t value independence contributed to my codependency regarding the opinions and actions of others. But there is no blame to be laid. I did what I did. And I’d say the end result has been very good.
It’s interesting how we end up where we actually need to be. Writing this book and the many that preceded it are the results of the many struggles I had. Today I can truly say that I am grateful. I am also truly grateful to have learned the true nature and value of detachment. I know, without contradiction, that practicing detachment is the only way I can fully live the life I am here to live.
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Reacting to others is exhausting, in the final analysis. And it’s habitual. But so is the practice of detachment, and it’s guaranteed to make us feel peaceful.
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Jan 14 When we practice detachment, we serve as great teachers to others. We are reminded in the words of many spiritual guides that we are in the role of either teacher or student in every moment of time. And we switch, rather quietly, between one and other. It’s probable that we aren’t even certain which role we are in at a particular time: the difference between the two is subtle. But also, we don’t necessarily know what our companion has been sent to learn.
Modeling detachment, however, is one of the most important tools we can pass on to others, regardless of who our companions are. It’s not that we should be unaffected or uninfluenced by those around us, particularly when acts of love and gratitude are being expressed. But allowing behavior of any kind to determine how we feel makes us constantly dependent on others. As I’ve already said, we do share a path with people we need to learn from, but the path we share is a two-way street. We are both giving and receiving from one another. Constantly.
The idea of practicing detachment is such a gentle one, isn’t it? It allows us to be imperfect. Because we don’t detach perfectly, even for a few hours at a time, we can begin again the next day. No harm has been done, really. We can forgive ourselves for going where we didn’t need to go, and then take each new experience as it presents itself and practice detachment again, one experience and one person at a time.
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The freedom we are promised when we practice detachment is unfathomable to most. We must experience it in order to believe it. Perhaps today is a good day to begin making the changes that will really matter in our lives tomorrow.
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Jan 15 If we become too detached, will others leave us behind? Clinging in order to keep a partner from straying is common to many women and men. But since fear drives this kind of behavior, it really doesn’t prevent the very thing we are afraid of; in fact, it might even trigger it. Not only have I had personal experience with this, but I have known dozens of others who have been certain that the right word, the right action or reaction, or the right gift would make another feel indebted for life. But to no avail. In other words, attachment does not prevent a person from leaving. This brings us to detachment.
Will the expression of detachment, boldly stated by one’s actions, lead to being left behind? I certainly can’t answer this with absolute assurance, but my experience, my interactions with others on many levels, my path of spiritual enlightenment, have led me to believe that people leave because they must. It’s not what we do or say that drives a person away. What one has needed to learn has been learned, and the time is right to move on.
This might seem to be a cold assessment, but I think that looking at this principle objectively allows us to see that there is usually no harm intended, not really, when one moves on. Our commitment to detachment allows us to let others go without our feeling so personally rejected. Our teachers are everywhere. Learning to say good-by, without rancor, is growth.
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Detachment doesn’t push people away. It frees all of us. Let’s not forget that.
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Jan 16 The most loving thing we can do is let another person be free; that’s detachment. Buying flowers for a friend is certainly loving. So is buying lunch for a special occasion. Making a phone call or sending an email just to say hello is a sign of caring too. There are multiple ways of expressing love, many of which we utilize regularly. But letting someone go, to be free to do whatever he or she wants to do, which may be the hardest of all our expressions, is the clearest sign of love we can offer. It says, “I trust you to do what you need to do.”
It’s not easy to detach from the movements of others. Far too often we rely on their presence to complete us. But holding someone back from the experiences he or she may be ready for puts us in charge of another’s growth. It’s a behavior that will also come back to bite us if the person misses an opportunity that he has longed for. We simply must let people evolve as they desire. That doesn’t mean they might not get burned, but at least we are not holding the flame.
Detaching from the changes others may need to make may never be easy, at least not initially But it does get easier. And it does feel better than clinging to the object of our affection. We can’t have the life we need if we are too wrapped up in the life someone else needs. Letting them go accomplishes two things: it allows us and the other person to soar.
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We may not realize that we also need to be free, but when we begin to experience it on a more regular basis we will realize what we had been missing. And we will not want to go back to the way things were before.
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Jan 17 Detachment is practiced moment by moment. It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise. It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it. We must be willing to make it, however.
If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always experienced. Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank god for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do. All theses steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
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One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
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Jan 18 Accountability, ours and others; is the hallmark of detachment. Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage. The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.
Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure. But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work of we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it. What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
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Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
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Jan 19 Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time. I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason. I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me. I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming. Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
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To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to mange anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
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Jan 20 Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers. I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peach in the past. A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace. It takes at least two to have to have a conflict, remember.
It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet. I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental, our lessons aren’t, either. Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you?
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Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
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Jan 21 Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make. The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that didn’t cotton to having our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments. Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused. My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers, What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time.
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To begin with, I detach in the little ways that matter. In that way we can see what’s in store for us in the days ahead. We can begin today and notice how much better we feel.
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Jan 22 Making the decision to detach from a loved one may well be the most important, as well as the kindest, gift we can give ourselves. Ever. Most of us are quite aware when we are being loving to others and when we are withholding that love. We can feel it throughout our bodies. But are we as conscious of that expression of love toward ourselves? Perhaps not. And yet, with every breath we take, we are offering a whisper of self-love, or not, within the folds of that which we are expressing to others. There really is no separation between us and others. Initially this idea may not resonate with us, but it’s nonetheless true.
I lived in a mindset of “us and them” for much of my life. Our culture seems to breed this idea in us, particularly when we consider the advertising that bombards us. Never are we encouraged to see others as fellow travelers who are the mirrors we need in order to better understand ourselves. But we can choose to see in them who we are and then when we offer compassion or acceptance or the gift of understanding with detachment, we are “gifting” ourselves as well. What we give, we also receive. The circle is made complete, with or without our awareness.
Seeing detachment as a gift may seem unusual to you. At the most superficial level, detachment seems like we are cutting ourselves off from others. But this is not what detachment means. It means to release another to be whoever is calling him from within. Preventing someone from hearing their own inner voice means we won’t hear ours, either. Detachment releases both of us and that’s the primary reason to value it.
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Choose one person today and practice detaching from whatever he or she is doing. If only for a few minutes. See how it feels. Take time to write about the feelings, too. This may well encourage you to try it again tomorrow.
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Jan 23 Detachment is a swift and sure way of expressing unconditional love. Detachment may not seem like love, but it is. Being too involved in someone else’s life, whether for an hour, a day, or a lifetime, means we are loving ourselves far less than we deserve and not showing others the kind of respect they deserve. We are not crossing one another’s path to be in charge of them, but to complement them. The journey is intentional; what we learn is by design. What we are being invited to teach is byt design as well. One of the primary lessons for all of us is to respect the natural boundaries between us. This we do by detaching from the emotions, the behaviors, and the opinions of others. Hopefully, our example will serve to show them how it’s done, too.
Staying “on our side of the street” isn’t as hard as it first appears to be, but until we experience the behavior, we can’t know the relief it offers. From our shoulders down to our toes we actually realize a visceral freedom when we turn away from those convincing someone how this feels, but it must be tried to be appreciated and then sought again for its own reward.
Detachment, as an expression of unconditional love, is easier than we first might imagine. Remaining quiet when we want to speak is a good beginning. Offering a silent prayer rather than a suggestion is another. Removing ourselves from the setting entirely is also an obvious way to detach. But emotions may still be ensnared. Acting as if they aren’t is a great practice until the real thing comes along. But it will take time. Patience is a virtue.
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Our greatest gift to someone else is unconditional love. We all crave it; we all deserve it. Most of us have not experienced it very often. Let’s commit to breaking this cycle now. Detachment is one of the ways.
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Jan 24 Learning to detach is a process. It moves faster for some than for others. But the pace is not important. How quickly we learn to detach from either the chaos or the mean-spiritedness present in the lives of others isn’t nearly as important as the commitment we make to doing it. I have suggested before that it’s the incremental efforts that make the most difference. One quiet prayer, one passage of time without a comment, one experience of walking away from a potential conflict all add up to growth, the kind that convinces us of the benefit of this new way of seeing life.
Change seldom happens quickly. The totally unexpected moment of full spiritual enlightenment is experienced by very few. Tiny examples, generally perceived in retrospect, are what show us change has occurred. The same is true with detachment. We won’t even notice initially that we have changed because it’s so subtle. But then, we see. We see that we are no longer tied to the whims of others. We are no longer tied to the attacks of others. Or the dismissals, the grunts, or the frowns of others. We will suddenly see that God has helped us do what we had not before been able to do for ourselves.
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The fact that we want to change is what’s important. How quickly that change happens rests with God. Our part is to make the effort, daily.
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Jan 25 Seeing God within our friends will help us to let them live their own lives without our control. Detachment can come in many ways.
Seeing God in others is certainly one way of getting free of the need to control them. We all have our partnerships, and although we partner up with one another as spouses, lovers, and friends, our primary partnership is always with God. That’s the One we can count on for guidance and for constant approval and acceptance. Getting any of these gifts from others can happen, but we can’t count on that with any certainty. In others words, letting others be in our lives but not of our lives is how we truly live detached and joyful lives.
I have said before that an easy way to detach is simply to walk away quietly, rather than to be engaged in an argument that is escalating. It’s also easy to simply smile and say, “Perhaps,” rather than taking a discussion any further. But the easiest way to detach, for some, is to seek the face of Christ in one’s friend. When this was first suggested to me, I scoffed. I had only ever seen His face in a picture. I am not sure even today that I really see His face in another, but I do see a light ad I do feel compelled to let things be, regardless of the chaos. It’s a change in perspective, and some call that a miracle. I will settle for the feeling I get, whatever it’s called.
Experiencing detachment in multiple ways is worth the effort. What works well for one may not work as well for someone else. But I have yet to meet a person who was not able to detach when he or she really wanted freedom.
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If freedom from the pain of others’ lives is what you seek, you have come to the right place. Any suggestion throughout this book will help you on your way. Willingness and tiny attempts are all it takes. God will help with the rest.
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Jan 26 Detachment is a tool that can be practiced with and by everyone. No one is immune from the effects of detachment. When we are learning to detach from the behavior of those we love, we get moments of relief between spells of doubt that what we are doing is the right thing. When we can see that others are detaching from us and our chaotic thinking, it actually helps us slow down. When we can’t engage others in our craziness, it begins to be diffused.
Everyone benefits from the practice of detachment. It could probably be proven that one’s health is improved as the result of detachment too. Taking a deep breath is good for all our cells and that’s the first step of detachment, after all. And when our friends and loved ones can see that we are no longer trapped by their chaos, they quiet down too. And if the struggle continues, we have many more steps we can take.
I have considered how valuable this tool could be if applied to world powers. Unfortunately, too many leaders feel that walking away is the coward’s way. Of course we might see that as a show of strength too, one that implies that it’s okay for you to have your opinion. I’ll keep mine. And we will peacefully coexist. People, individually, do it all the time. Just maybe it’s time to envision this on a broader scale and see what the results could be.
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Surrendering to the practice of detachment is a healthy choice for every one. Our example might be the only example another person is privy to today. Let’s not disappoint them.
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Jan 27 Detaching from our companions does not mean discounting them, dismissing them, or rejecting them. Keeping our focus on our own lives in no way means we don’t care about other people. Letting others be free of our focus is actually a gift to them. As a youngster, I seldom averted my eyes from others’ activities. I was obsessed with wondering what they were thinking about and if it related to me. Was I “okay?” Were they mad at times? Were they going to reprimand me or reject me? This obsession didn’t leave me until a few years after finding Al-Anon. The miracle is that it did leave.
I know that what happened for me can happen for anyone. I am certainly not special. What I did to help the process-and I learned this in the Twelve Step rooms-was to replace my thoughts of others with a vision of my Higher Power. I asked God for help many times a day to give me peace of mind and a different focus. And I asked to be more conscious of serving others, rather than always looking to be served.
When others detach from us, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. They are allowing us to grow. This valuable tool works well in the hands of all of us. We all grow in ways that are important to the entire human community when we free people to be who they have been born to be. Holding on keeps all of us stuck. Letting go frees everyone.
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No one wants to be rejected or to feel dismissed. We all want to know we matter. But being the center of someone’s life doesn’t mean love. It may mean dependence, and that holds everyone hostage.
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Jan 28 Keeping it simple helps us detach from others. Using “keep it simple” as a mantra throughout the day can offer so much relief. It’s a nice reminder that we are not the managers of the world. We are not the managers of others’ lives. Some even say that our own life is none of our business, either. Letting each and every life be God’s business is a choice we can make. It’s a wise choice, in fact. Our shoulders relax, our breathing slows down, and our mind gets quiet when we decide to just “keep it simple” and stop doing that which we need not do.
Being able to say, “Keep it simple” over and over is similar to repeating the Serenity Prayer. It fills our mind with a softness that invites us to change our focus from where it was. The first time I saw the wall poster with the words “keep it simple,” I couldn’t fathom what it actually meant and why it would be hanging on a recovery room wall. What did it have to do with my situation? And what was the “it” that it referred to? Finally, I heard others share, using the phrase in ways that showed me how they kept their focus on themselves and away from others’ business. I could see how much better they felt than I was feeling. And I wanted what they had.
Seeing others in action is what teaches all of us that we can act differently, too. Attraction rather than promotion is one of the principles of Twelve Step recovery, and I was definitely attracted to the peace and well-being that others had. Offering that to others, now, keeps me coming back.
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Keeping it simple makes every day easier, more productive, and quiet. Being an example of “Keeping it simple” keeps us away from managing those things that are not ours to manage. This may be our most important contribution today.
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Jan 29 Detachment is how we release ourselves from responsibility for others. Detaching from the activities of others may be an exercise of will, initially. In an almost mindless way, some of us simply hang on to those people in our midst, assuming they need our attention, our judgment, and our input on every detail of their lives.
Our perhaps we hang on because we aren’t sure who we are if they aren’t present. This was my struggle for decades. I needed another’s acknowledgment to know that I mattered. I feel embarrassed, at times, to look back to those days; then I remember that my struggle is why I can help others who have been sent my way that are struggling now in the same way. Everything we learn is recyclable. And this is as it should be.
Releasing ourselves from the companions we intentionally walk among does not mean we are relinquishing the friendships, the learning opportunities, or the growth. It only means we are allowing the kind of growth that needs to happen for all of us to unfold when the timing is right. Our attachments to others are not healthy, for any of us. And others aren’t ever present for that reason. Let’s not forget that.
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The work you and I have to do here may relate to those we walk with, but there will always be a line between my work and yours. Seeking to see the line is the best lesson of all on many days.
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Jan 30 Perfecting detachment is a lifelong journey. But prayer will help. I have often pondered what it might feel like to have perfected a skill like detachment on a first attempt. Or even on the one-hundredth attempt. And I have concluded that had that been my story, I might have quit showing up at the Twelve Step meetings where I was learning about this valuable skill. And it’s in those meetings that magic occurs. It’s in those meetings that hearts and minds and souls connect and all of us have a chance to change in ways that were unimaginable before. It’s in those meetings that God always makes an appearance.
Some days I have to pinch myself to realize that the life I have been blessed with is real. My life had been so far from what it has become that one explanation is all that fits: God was always doing for me what I could not do for myself, and didn’t even want to do for myself. I had charted a course that was self-centered, codependent in every way, and riddled with alcohol and drug escapades. And yet, I am here. Prayer played a major rold (during that troubled time, other people’s prayers) in getting me where I am and still does.
I did used to think that those who relied on prayer were weak. Now I know that my strength for handling any situation comes from the God of my understanding. Nothing I used to believe rings true anymore.
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Learning to detach is like breathing. Enjoy the process. It’s what being alive is all about. It’s why the other people are in your life. There’s no escaping the opportunities. But be grateful. Some of them are fleeting.
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Jan 31 Detaching from others doesn’t preclude joining with them in a healthy way occasionally. Detaching from others does not mean denying their presence. It’s not a negative action at all. It’s definitely not shunning those people who are in our lives. It’s much more akin to living in a positive place with others and keeping one’s focus where it really belongs: on ourselves. We never have to walk away and stay away from others unless we choose to do so. Detachment allows us to be friends, lovers, and companions. It’s simply a healthy way to be with all three groups.
The deeper purpose for sharing this journey with loved ones is the inner growth we experience when we intimately join with the minds and hearts of others. But the idea of joining with others is not an invitation to try to control what someone else might think or do. Joining with is not the opposite of detaching from. They are complementary. We can be lovingly detached in a way that supports being lovingly joined. In fact, that’s the real goal, and it’s a daily practice for most of us. The good news is that every little success we have makes it easier to apply the process the next day.
To lovingly detach means I love you unconditionally and trust you to make the next right decision. To lovingly join means I honor the steps you need to take and will accompany you if that’s your choice.
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What we are learning here takes time. We can’t be discouraged. There is no rush; the opportunities will continue. And they will wait for us.
But when someone is vulnerable due to illness, lack of rests, an unhealthy diet, an emotional upset of some kind, or even a mild affront by a friend or partner, it’s easy to fall back and repeat our earlier responses to unfriendly situations confronting us. Climbing back into someone else’s mind isn’t that difficult, unfortunately. Staying there for as long as we did before is unlikely, however. That’s the payoff from incorporating new information and practicing a new set of behaviors.
To the uninitiated, accepting others as they are with no hope of changing them may seem like a joyless way to live. But, on the contrary, it’s the only way to actually experience lasting joy.
I will let others be and enjoy them for who they are. My lesson is to let go. Every day, anew, this is the lesson: to let go.
JAN 2 Detachment doesn’t mean separation from our loved ones. It means acceptance of who and what they are. I used to think that detachment meant I had to separate myself completely from the person who was getting too much of my attention. I didn’t seem able to let someone be in my life without them taking over my life. Therefore, my only alternative was to deny or ignore their presence altogether, which meant I wasn’t able to claim the lessons I had been destined to receive from that person.
Our loved ones cry out to be accepted by us, and we never refuse to accept people as they are, we are creating a separation that breeds ill will along with illness. The desire, in fact the need, to join with others les deep within us, but we can deny that call. And when we do, we fail ourselves, one another, and the entire human community.
We so easily misconstrue the meaning of detachment. It’s not about denying the presence or the importance of anyone. It’s not about moving on without our loved ones. It’s not about judgment. Detachment is about taking care of ourselves and letting others do the same. Freedom for all is detachment in action.
Detachment doesn’t preclude joining with our loved ones. But distinct separation will result in our relationships being harmed. The better choice between the two is clearly discernible.
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JAN 3 Detachment is a gift to one and all. Many of us go through life connected at the hip, so to speak, with someone we consider special and “ours.” If we aren’t attached” to someone, we feel unworthy. Our journey is about coming to understand that attaching ourselves to God is what promises us the worthiness and security we seek, and this realization will change every experience, every day.
God’s grace, which is our gift, is what allows us to know and appreciate detachment. His grace moves us from where we are at any moment to a very soft and secure place. God’s presence is certain. The presence of others can be fleeting.
Needing others on our journey does not mean that we are lesser beings and have no life of our own. Indeed, having a rich and full life of our own is the very gift we bring to those special relationships that attract our attention.
For decades I have pondered why so many feel that without a life partner they are nothing. The answer may vary for different people, but I think at one time in my life it was because I felt invisible, even among friends, and I wanted one person, at the very least, to make me feel important. So when that person showed up, I clung. My attachment suffocated him and the relationship. I was a very slow learner; I suffocated many before I learned the value of detachment. Now I treasure being able to let God give me all the comfort and security I need.
Detachment is a gift that benefits everyone. Not being the constant focus of someone else is freeing. Not making someone else our “assignment” lets us live the life we are here to live.
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Jan 4 Detachment never means being rude or dismissive. For some, the idea of detachment may be elusive. It’s a word that’s more common in some circles than others. When I first heard the term, I assumed that shunning other was a reasonable way to express detachment. I had no idea that it was actually an act of love. I thought criticism might fit with the idea of detachment, but seeing detachment as allowing a person to be who he or she needed to be, without interference, without being judged or put down or ignored, were all very new ideas for me to incorporate.
But I am incorporating them, and my life is being transformed. What a pleasure to make the decision to refrain from criticizing others for who they are. I can’t say I succeed 100 percent of the time. But I am adding many moments of peace to the world I inhabit by the many times I choose to think a thought that pleases God, rather than one I might have chosen to think before being introduced to the principle of detachment. Initially, letting others be, without comment from me, is truly an act of will, but in time it becomes an act of choice. The benefits are immeasurable.
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Giving up being rude simplifies our lives. Letting God direct our thoughts simplifies them even more. It is God’s hope that we let others be. That’s detachment.
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Jan 5 Detachment is a growth opportunity that we can claim every day of our lives. The celebration of detachment is not what I sought when first introduced to the concept. I didn’t want to be detached. I wanted to be attached. To me, that meant I was “chosen,” and there was really nothing more important to me at the time. Celebrating my life as a woman with specific gifts and goals didn’t seem inclusive enough. I wanted others to be with me, living my life every step of the way for validation. Not until my forties did I see the value of living in concert, in sync, but not enmeshed with that special other person.
What I see now is that we can walk among others and have our own life intact. We can allow others to do and be whomever their Spirit is calling them to be. We can witness them but not expect them to turn their life and will over to us. This means we will be able to see all the other invitations that might be swimming our way. When we are too involved in the life of someone else, perhaps demanding that they be a constant part of our life, we will never experience the individual growth we deserve.
Being detached doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean feeling no connection to someone else. It is not a way to distance ourselves from others. It is an expression of honest love for both of us in the relationship. This is such good news when we finally are able to hear it and absorb it. Witnessing is the gift; detachment is the tool.
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Are you ready to grow today in whatever way is calling you? Unless you are living a life free from the obsession with others, you will miss one opportunity after another, and most will never come again.
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Jan 6 Detachment is not to be confused with disloyalty. Trusting in the process of letting others have the growth they are here to experience is freedom for all concerned. Unfortunately, I have many memories of wanting to hold someone back from an experience they were ready for. My lack of trust in their process occurred because I didn’t trust that my Higher Power was part of my process. I planned my life around them and if they were moving on, or if I was, what would happen to us?
Fortunately, I have finally claimed detachment as one of my most treasured assets. I am not always good at it; I do still want to control fear too often. But I had to learn that detachment didn’t mean turning my back on someone before I could learn to feel good about adding it to my repertoire of characteristics. It has freed me and my loved ones in ways that neither I nor they could have imagined.
I sometimes wonder how my earlier relationships might have fared had I known then what I love knowing and living now. But I do also believe that we are always where we need to be, learning the lessons we are ready for. In earlier relationships I simply wasn’t ready for the information I now cherish. There is no need for remorse. We were only ready for what we were ready for.
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Deciding to trust that everyone has their own Higher Power frees us to listen to ours. We can’t know what’s right for someone else. And letting them find their own way, without our input, is not being disloyal; on the contrary, its being respectful.
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Jan 7 Detachment from the problems of others is God’s will. They and God will solve what needs to be solved. Remembering that everyone has his or her own Higher Power relieves us of so much stress. Taking on someone else’s problems, even when they touch us in some way, is not necessary. That’s what God is for. God is waiting to be called on. Our Higher Power is always just a prayer, an idea, or a question away.
Why is this so hard to remember? Even after we glimpse the power of this truth, we have to be willing to pray, asking God for the help we need that has already been promised to us. God knows our needs. But it’s helpful for us to think them or voice them so that we know them too. That way we can recognize when the help has arrived.
The same is true for our companions. Their problems are for God to solve. We are not participants in their solutions. We can listen, we can share what has worked for us, we can pray with them. But we are not here to convey god’s will.
Watching others discover the power inherent in prayer lets us witness the power inherent in our detachment from them as they seek their own solutions. All of us are emboldened by the success that any one of us has with both prayer and detachment. Prayer and detachment complement each other.
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When we need guidance, we seek God’s will. When we need comfort, we seek God’s presence. When we seem called to solve a problem for someone else, we let them go to God. In that way, all will be served.
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Jan 8 Detachment is one of the most loving of all our actions. How does staying uninvolved with the situations in others’ lives seem loving? I spent years assuming the opposite was true. I was very clever at wiggling my way into one life or another. Not being involved with the problems of the many people on my path felt unsympathetic and selfish. It also felt lonely. Perhaps my loneliness was what truly initiated my clinging to others.
Being told that detaching from the lives of others, their problems, and their cries for help is the best, most loving response we can make seems farfetched, doesn’t it? It took the wisdom of many voices to convince me that this was my best response to the people and situations I so frequently found myself in.
I do think we find ourselves in circumstances where we can best learn what’s needed for the next leg of our journey. I can’t be more grateful than I am for having learned the joy that accompanies the act of detachment. To be honest, at one time I didn’t think detaching from the lives of problems of others was ever going to be worth my effort. How wrong I was. It has taught me love-how to express it, how to receive it, how to savor it.
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Love comes in many forms. One of the most helpful forms for all the companions we will know today or any day is detachment. It’s what gives us the most freedom and ultimately the most wisdom too. God lives in the tiny spaces of our letting go.
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Jan 9 Detachment empowers. We all have dreams. Some of us have bigger dreams than others. My husband’s was to build an experimental aircraft, which he is currently doing. I have one friend whose dream is to run a marathon, and she is training for her first on at age sixty-one. My aunt’s dream was to live until she was one hundred. She made it, just shy by two months, but she told us all she was one hundred anyway. In her mind, she had made it. And my mother’s dream was to learn to drive; at age fifty-two she took lessons, secretly, and surprised all of us.
My dream is to continue writing until the day I die. I am reminded of Frida Kaholo and how she painted lying down when she was in too much pain to stand or sit. It was her dream to simply keep painting.
The dream that any one of us has can best come to fruition if we have clear boundaries between what is ours to do and what belongs to others. When the boundaries are clear, we are empowered to follow our passions. We simply can’t follow our bliss if we are tied to the dreams or problems of others. Therefore, detachment is a necessary tool and one that we must practice repeatedly if we really want to fulfill our own dreams.
Remember, when someone else is following his or her own bliss, it does not mean we don’t matter to them. It’s really a gift for any of us when we are following our dream. But our minds can’t be two places at once.
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Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. That’s why they have visited us. The only thing standing in our way is our over-involvement in the lives of others. Detach and watch the dream unfold.
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Jan 10 Detachment offers us freedom from blame. To blame others for what is not going right in our life is such a temptation. I blamed others for years. I saw it practiced in my home and with friends. It simply became habitual, thoughtlessly habitual, and it’s a very difficult habit to break. What has successfully worked for me, much of the time, is the decision to remain quiet, to detach from the person or the situation that is getting under my skin. I didn’t believe this choice was a viable one for many years. It did take focused effort and many hours of practice –many years of practice. But I have made progress.
Choosing to forego blame actually feels very good. Taking responsibility for what we have done and letting others off the hook when they aren’t ready to do the same is really very freeing. Having made a practice of letting others do and be whatever appeals to them is a gift ot ourselves and to them, a gift that simply changes every aspect of our journey.
We are here to watch and learn. We are here to bless and witness. We are here to offer guidance when sought. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope. Our purpose is never to blame. Everyone is stuck in an old perspective, a place where growth can’t happen, if we are caught in the web of blaming.
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We can break free from blaming any time we want. The door to a new way of seeing and behaving is always open.
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Jan 11 Detachment is like a breath of fresh air. This may seem like an unusual way to describe detachment, but when I practice detachment, if feels as though I am letting my shoulders relax and simply breathing deeply after trying to hold on to the unmanageable. Hanging on to others, in any fashion, will never be successful. We can’t hold back their minds, their actions, their opinions. Letting go fo every aspect of whom someone else chooses to be is not easy, but it’s so rewarding, once we get accustomed to it.
It makes our own lives so much simpler when we let those who walk among us do whatever they want to do. Now, of course, when our offspring are young, we can’t let them be unsupervised. But it’s folly to think that we will be able to control their every move. Their own free will will surface quite regularly, just as ours continues to do. But our acknowledging that it’s okay for them and all others to listen to guiding voices different from our own results in many opportunities for gratitude. Being grateful for even the tiny experiences that we have with letting others be, letting others do that which they feel called to do, even if it proves to be wrong in the long run, is the breath of fresh air we deserve.
There are many gifts that come with detachment. Relaxation is one of them. Freedom from stress is another. A quiet mind is perhaps the best of all. Gratitude becomes all-encompassing when we really let others live their own lives. I am so glad I made a commitment to this practice.
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The commitment to detach from the lives of others begins with a decision. It’s a decision we can make moment by moment. Yet it is life changing.
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Jan 12 Prayer is an effective way to help us detach from the behavior of others. We can only hold on to one thought at a time. Making the one though we are dwelling on a prayer in a time of turmoil means we can’t be thinking that someone ought to be doing something they aren’t currently doing. This is a great shorthand way of changing wo we are and how every moment feels. This is not to imply that we need to be in silent repose all day. But rather, when we begin to harbor thoughts about anyone else, thoughts that aren’t loving, gentle, and accepting, it’s time to ask God for another thought. Prayer can be quick and simple. We can do it with our eyes open as well as closed.
Knowing that detachment happens most effectively when we are in partnership with God gives me great relief. There are simply too many things that are hard to handle all alone. And what I’ve learned from my may years on this spiritual path is that none of them will be very effectively translated into a peaceful life if I ignore the help from God, as I understand Him or Her, that’s available just as soon as I seek it.
It’s important to acknowledge the many others who are traveling with me, too. They are not accidental travelers accompanying me on this path. It’s by design; it’s all by design. And that’s the best news of all. It makes detachment even easier, don’t you agree?
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Prayer is the solution. Detachment is the tool. Peace of mind is the gift.
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Jan 13 Unless we practice detachment, we will find ourselves reacting many times a day. Choosing a right action is always preferable to falling into an automatic reaction. But the latter is the common response for many of us. For years, I constantly reacted to what people were doing or saying. I reacted to their opinions and tried to make mine similar where possible or to convince them to change theirs. I made many important decisions about very personal details of my life in reaction to the decisions others were making. I didn’t take stock of me and what I wanted. Frankly, I wasn’t sure how one did that. I tried to be what someone else thought I should be. It got me drunk, It got me divorced! It got me depressed, lonely, and confused.
Not everyone has had results like mine, perhaps, but no one has a fully productive or peaceful life if he or she is simply trying to fit in in order to be accepted. Perhaps growing up in a family that didn’t value independence contributed to my codependency regarding the opinions and actions of others. But there is no blame to be laid. I did what I did. And I’d say the end result has been very good.
It’s interesting how we end up where we actually need to be. Writing this book and the many that preceded it are the results of the many struggles I had. Today I can truly say that I am grateful. I am also truly grateful to have learned the true nature and value of detachment. I know, without contradiction, that practicing detachment is the only way I can fully live the life I am here to live.
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Reacting to others is exhausting, in the final analysis. And it’s habitual. But so is the practice of detachment, and it’s guaranteed to make us feel peaceful.
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Jan 14 When we practice detachment, we serve as great teachers to others. We are reminded in the words of many spiritual guides that we are in the role of either teacher or student in every moment of time. And we switch, rather quietly, between one and other. It’s probable that we aren’t even certain which role we are in at a particular time: the difference between the two is subtle. But also, we don’t necessarily know what our companion has been sent to learn.
Modeling detachment, however, is one of the most important tools we can pass on to others, regardless of who our companions are. It’s not that we should be unaffected or uninfluenced by those around us, particularly when acts of love and gratitude are being expressed. But allowing behavior of any kind to determine how we feel makes us constantly dependent on others. As I’ve already said, we do share a path with people we need to learn from, but the path we share is a two-way street. We are both giving and receiving from one another. Constantly.
The idea of practicing detachment is such a gentle one, isn’t it? It allows us to be imperfect. Because we don’t detach perfectly, even for a few hours at a time, we can begin again the next day. No harm has been done, really. We can forgive ourselves for going where we didn’t need to go, and then take each new experience as it presents itself and practice detachment again, one experience and one person at a time.
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The freedom we are promised when we practice detachment is unfathomable to most. We must experience it in order to believe it. Perhaps today is a good day to begin making the changes that will really matter in our lives tomorrow.
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Jan 15 If we become too detached, will others leave us behind? Clinging in order to keep a partner from straying is common to many women and men. But since fear drives this kind of behavior, it really doesn’t prevent the very thing we are afraid of; in fact, it might even trigger it. Not only have I had personal experience with this, but I have known dozens of others who have been certain that the right word, the right action or reaction, or the right gift would make another feel indebted for life. But to no avail. In other words, attachment does not prevent a person from leaving. This brings us to detachment.
Will the expression of detachment, boldly stated by one’s actions, lead to being left behind? I certainly can’t answer this with absolute assurance, but my experience, my interactions with others on many levels, my path of spiritual enlightenment, have led me to believe that people leave because they must. It’s not what we do or say that drives a person away. What one has needed to learn has been learned, and the time is right to move on.
This might seem to be a cold assessment, but I think that looking at this principle objectively allows us to see that there is usually no harm intended, not really, when one moves on. Our commitment to detachment allows us to let others go without our feeling so personally rejected. Our teachers are everywhere. Learning to say good-by, without rancor, is growth.
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Detachment doesn’t push people away. It frees all of us. Let’s not forget that.
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Jan 16 The most loving thing we can do is let another person be free; that’s detachment. Buying flowers for a friend is certainly loving. So is buying lunch for a special occasion. Making a phone call or sending an email just to say hello is a sign of caring too. There are multiple ways of expressing love, many of which we utilize regularly. But letting someone go, to be free to do whatever he or she wants to do, which may be the hardest of all our expressions, is the clearest sign of love we can offer. It says, “I trust you to do what you need to do.”
It’s not easy to detach from the movements of others. Far too often we rely on their presence to complete us. But holding someone back from the experiences he or she may be ready for puts us in charge of another’s growth. It’s a behavior that will also come back to bite us if the person misses an opportunity that he has longed for. We simply must let people evolve as they desire. That doesn’t mean they might not get burned, but at least we are not holding the flame.
Detaching from the changes others may need to make may never be easy, at least not initially But it does get easier. And it does feel better than clinging to the object of our affection. We can’t have the life we need if we are too wrapped up in the life someone else needs. Letting them go accomplishes two things: it allows us and the other person to soar.
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We may not realize that we also need to be free, but when we begin to experience it on a more regular basis we will realize what we had been missing. And we will not want to go back to the way things were before.
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Jan 17 Detachment is practiced moment by moment. It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise. It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it. We must be willing to make it, however.
If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always experienced. Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank god for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do. All theses steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
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One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
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Jan 18 Accountability, ours and others; is the hallmark of detachment. Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage. The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.
Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure. But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work of we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it. What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
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Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
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Jan 19 Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time. I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason. I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me. I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming. Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
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To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to mange anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
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Jan 20 Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers. I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peach in the past. A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace. It takes at least two to have to have a conflict, remember.
It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet. I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental, our lessons aren’t, either. Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you?
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Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
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Jan 21 Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make. The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that didn’t cotton to having our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments. Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused. My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers, What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time.
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To begin with, I detach in the little ways that matter. In that way we can see what’s in store for us in the days ahead. We can begin today and notice how much better we feel.
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Jan 22 Making the decision to detach from a loved one may well be the most important, as well as the kindest, gift we can give ourselves. Ever. Most of us are quite aware when we are being loving to others and when we are withholding that love. We can feel it throughout our bodies. But are we as conscious of that expression of love toward ourselves? Perhaps not. And yet, with every breath we take, we are offering a whisper of self-love, or not, within the folds of that which we are expressing to others. There really is no separation between us and others. Initially this idea may not resonate with us, but it’s nonetheless true.
I lived in a mindset of “us and them” for much of my life. Our culture seems to breed this idea in us, particularly when we consider the advertising that bombards us. Never are we encouraged to see others as fellow travelers who are the mirrors we need in order to better understand ourselves. But we can choose to see in them who we are and then when we offer compassion or acceptance or the gift of understanding with detachment, we are “gifting” ourselves as well. What we give, we also receive. The circle is made complete, with or without our awareness.
Seeing detachment as a gift may seem unusual to you. At the most superficial level, detachment seems like we are cutting ourselves off from others. But this is not what detachment means. It means to release another to be whoever is calling him from within. Preventing someone from hearing their own inner voice means we won’t hear ours, either. Detachment releases both of us and that’s the primary reason to value it.
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Choose one person today and practice detaching from whatever he or she is doing. If only for a few minutes. See how it feels. Take time to write about the feelings, too. This may well encourage you to try it again tomorrow.
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Jan 23 Detachment is a swift and sure way of expressing unconditional love. Detachment may not seem like love, but it is. Being too involved in someone else’s life, whether for an hour, a day, or a lifetime, means we are loving ourselves far less than we deserve and not showing others the kind of respect they deserve. We are not crossing one another’s path to be in charge of them, but to complement them. The journey is intentional; what we learn is by design. What we are being invited to teach is byt design as well. One of the primary lessons for all of us is to respect the natural boundaries between us. This we do by detaching from the emotions, the behaviors, and the opinions of others. Hopefully, our example will serve to show them how it’s done, too.
Staying “on our side of the street” isn’t as hard as it first appears to be, but until we experience the behavior, we can’t know the relief it offers. From our shoulders down to our toes we actually realize a visceral freedom when we turn away from those convincing someone how this feels, but it must be tried to be appreciated and then sought again for its own reward.
Detachment, as an expression of unconditional love, is easier than we first might imagine. Remaining quiet when we want to speak is a good beginning. Offering a silent prayer rather than a suggestion is another. Removing ourselves from the setting entirely is also an obvious way to detach. But emotions may still be ensnared. Acting as if they aren’t is a great practice until the real thing comes along. But it will take time. Patience is a virtue.
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Our greatest gift to someone else is unconditional love. We all crave it; we all deserve it. Most of us have not experienced it very often. Let’s commit to breaking this cycle now. Detachment is one of the ways.
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Jan 24 Learning to detach is a process. It moves faster for some than for others. But the pace is not important. How quickly we learn to detach from either the chaos or the mean-spiritedness present in the lives of others isn’t nearly as important as the commitment we make to doing it. I have suggested before that it’s the incremental efforts that make the most difference. One quiet prayer, one passage of time without a comment, one experience of walking away from a potential conflict all add up to growth, the kind that convinces us of the benefit of this new way of seeing life.
Change seldom happens quickly. The totally unexpected moment of full spiritual enlightenment is experienced by very few. Tiny examples, generally perceived in retrospect, are what show us change has occurred. The same is true with detachment. We won’t even notice initially that we have changed because it’s so subtle. But then, we see. We see that we are no longer tied to the whims of others. We are no longer tied to the attacks of others. Or the dismissals, the grunts, or the frowns of others. We will suddenly see that God has helped us do what we had not before been able to do for ourselves.
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The fact that we want to change is what’s important. How quickly that change happens rests with God. Our part is to make the effort, daily.
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Jan 25 Seeing God within our friends will help us to let them live their own lives without our control. Detachment can come in many ways.
Seeing God in others is certainly one way of getting free of the need to control them. We all have our partnerships, and although we partner up with one another as spouses, lovers, and friends, our primary partnership is always with God. That’s the One we can count on for guidance and for constant approval and acceptance. Getting any of these gifts from others can happen, but we can’t count on that with any certainty. In others words, letting others be in our lives but not of our lives is how we truly live detached and joyful lives.
I have said before that an easy way to detach is simply to walk away quietly, rather than to be engaged in an argument that is escalating. It’s also easy to simply smile and say, “Perhaps,” rather than taking a discussion any further. But the easiest way to detach, for some, is to seek the face of Christ in one’s friend. When this was first suggested to me, I scoffed. I had only ever seen His face in a picture. I am not sure even today that I really see His face in another, but I do see a light ad I do feel compelled to let things be, regardless of the chaos. It’s a change in perspective, and some call that a miracle. I will settle for the feeling I get, whatever it’s called.
Experiencing detachment in multiple ways is worth the effort. What works well for one may not work as well for someone else. But I have yet to meet a person who was not able to detach when he or she really wanted freedom.
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If freedom from the pain of others’ lives is what you seek, you have come to the right place. Any suggestion throughout this book will help you on your way. Willingness and tiny attempts are all it takes. God will help with the rest.
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Jan 26 Detachment is a tool that can be practiced with and by everyone. No one is immune from the effects of detachment. When we are learning to detach from the behavior of those we love, we get moments of relief between spells of doubt that what we are doing is the right thing. When we can see that others are detaching from us and our chaotic thinking, it actually helps us slow down. When we can’t engage others in our craziness, it begins to be diffused.
Everyone benefits from the practice of detachment. It could probably be proven that one’s health is improved as the result of detachment too. Taking a deep breath is good for all our cells and that’s the first step of detachment, after all. And when our friends and loved ones can see that we are no longer trapped by their chaos, they quiet down too. And if the struggle continues, we have many more steps we can take.
I have considered how valuable this tool could be if applied to world powers. Unfortunately, too many leaders feel that walking away is the coward’s way. Of course we might see that as a show of strength too, one that implies that it’s okay for you to have your opinion. I’ll keep mine. And we will peacefully coexist. People, individually, do it all the time. Just maybe it’s time to envision this on a broader scale and see what the results could be.
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Surrendering to the practice of detachment is a healthy choice for every one. Our example might be the only example another person is privy to today. Let’s not disappoint them.
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Jan 27 Detaching from our companions does not mean discounting them, dismissing them, or rejecting them. Keeping our focus on our own lives in no way means we don’t care about other people. Letting others be free of our focus is actually a gift to them. As a youngster, I seldom averted my eyes from others’ activities. I was obsessed with wondering what they were thinking about and if it related to me. Was I “okay?” Were they mad at times? Were they going to reprimand me or reject me? This obsession didn’t leave me until a few years after finding Al-Anon. The miracle is that it did leave.
I know that what happened for me can happen for anyone. I am certainly not special. What I did to help the process-and I learned this in the Twelve Step rooms-was to replace my thoughts of others with a vision of my Higher Power. I asked God for help many times a day to give me peace of mind and a different focus. And I asked to be more conscious of serving others, rather than always looking to be served.
When others detach from us, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. They are allowing us to grow. This valuable tool works well in the hands of all of us. We all grow in ways that are important to the entire human community when we free people to be who they have been born to be. Holding on keeps all of us stuck. Letting go frees everyone.
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No one wants to be rejected or to feel dismissed. We all want to know we matter. But being the center of someone’s life doesn’t mean love. It may mean dependence, and that holds everyone hostage.
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Jan 28 Keeping it simple helps us detach from others. Using “keep it simple” as a mantra throughout the day can offer so much relief. It’s a nice reminder that we are not the managers of the world. We are not the managers of others’ lives. Some even say that our own life is none of our business, either. Letting each and every life be God’s business is a choice we can make. It’s a wise choice, in fact. Our shoulders relax, our breathing slows down, and our mind gets quiet when we decide to just “keep it simple” and stop doing that which we need not do.
Being able to say, “Keep it simple” over and over is similar to repeating the Serenity Prayer. It fills our mind with a softness that invites us to change our focus from where it was. The first time I saw the wall poster with the words “keep it simple,” I couldn’t fathom what it actually meant and why it would be hanging on a recovery room wall. What did it have to do with my situation? And what was the “it” that it referred to? Finally, I heard others share, using the phrase in ways that showed me how they kept their focus on themselves and away from others’ business. I could see how much better they felt than I was feeling. And I wanted what they had.
Seeing others in action is what teaches all of us that we can act differently, too. Attraction rather than promotion is one of the principles of Twelve Step recovery, and I was definitely attracted to the peace and well-being that others had. Offering that to others, now, keeps me coming back.
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Keeping it simple makes every day easier, more productive, and quiet. Being an example of “Keeping it simple” keeps us away from managing those things that are not ours to manage. This may be our most important contribution today.
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Jan 29 Detachment is how we release ourselves from responsibility for others. Detaching from the activities of others may be an exercise of will, initially. In an almost mindless way, some of us simply hang on to those people in our midst, assuming they need our attention, our judgment, and our input on every detail of their lives.
Our perhaps we hang on because we aren’t sure who we are if they aren’t present. This was my struggle for decades. I needed another’s acknowledgment to know that I mattered. I feel embarrassed, at times, to look back to those days; then I remember that my struggle is why I can help others who have been sent my way that are struggling now in the same way. Everything we learn is recyclable. And this is as it should be.
Releasing ourselves from the companions we intentionally walk among does not mean we are relinquishing the friendships, the learning opportunities, or the growth. It only means we are allowing the kind of growth that needs to happen for all of us to unfold when the timing is right. Our attachments to others are not healthy, for any of us. And others aren’t ever present for that reason. Let’s not forget that.
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The work you and I have to do here may relate to those we walk with, but there will always be a line between my work and yours. Seeking to see the line is the best lesson of all on many days.
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Jan 30 Perfecting detachment is a lifelong journey. But prayer will help. I have often pondered what it might feel like to have perfected a skill like detachment on a first attempt. Or even on the one-hundredth attempt. And I have concluded that had that been my story, I might have quit showing up at the Twelve Step meetings where I was learning about this valuable skill. And it’s in those meetings that magic occurs. It’s in those meetings that hearts and minds and souls connect and all of us have a chance to change in ways that were unimaginable before. It’s in those meetings that God always makes an appearance.
Some days I have to pinch myself to realize that the life I have been blessed with is real. My life had been so far from what it has become that one explanation is all that fits: God was always doing for me what I could not do for myself, and didn’t even want to do for myself. I had charted a course that was self-centered, codependent in every way, and riddled with alcohol and drug escapades. And yet, I am here. Prayer played a major rold (during that troubled time, other people’s prayers) in getting me where I am and still does.
I did used to think that those who relied on prayer were weak. Now I know that my strength for handling any situation comes from the God of my understanding. Nothing I used to believe rings true anymore.
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Learning to detach is like breathing. Enjoy the process. It’s what being alive is all about. It’s why the other people are in your life. There’s no escaping the opportunities. But be grateful. Some of them are fleeting.
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Jan 31 Detaching from others doesn’t preclude joining with them in a healthy way occasionally. Detaching from others does not mean denying their presence. It’s not a negative action at all. It’s definitely not shunning those people who are in our lives. It’s much more akin to living in a positive place with others and keeping one’s focus where it really belongs: on ourselves. We never have to walk away and stay away from others unless we choose to do so. Detachment allows us to be friends, lovers, and companions. It’s simply a healthy way to be with all three groups.
The deeper purpose for sharing this journey with loved ones is the inner growth we experience when we intimately join with the minds and hearts of others. But the idea of joining with others is not an invitation to try to control what someone else might think or do. Joining with is not the opposite of detaching from. They are complementary. We can be lovingly detached in a way that supports being lovingly joined. In fact, that’s the real goal, and it’s a daily practice for most of us. The good news is that every little success we have makes it easier to apply the process the next day.
To lovingly detach means I love you unconditionally and trust you to make the next right decision. To lovingly join means I honor the steps you need to take and will accompany you if that’s your choice.
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What we are learning here takes time. We can’t be discouraged. There is no rush; the opportunities will continue. And they will wait for us.
