JULY 1 Detachment might first begin with a vision of doing it successfully
Being able to “see” ourselves succeeding at something is often the first step to meeting with the success we long for. Olympic athletes occasionally practice by envisioning there runs prior to the day of the event. I have had direct experience with this too when preparing for a major oral exam. The practice, even though only in the mind, offers a sense of having been there already. It’s quite effective. Psychologists agree. Why, then, wouldn’t the concept apply to the exercise of detachment?
If you are in a relationship that you struggle with, one that seems to scream for your over involvement, take a few moments every morning and sit quietly in deep silence with eyes closed, envisioning being able to walk away when the temptation to speak is strong. See yourself smiling within, calmly breathing, and simply minding your own business. Notice how much more peaceful you feel. Savor that feeling. Sit with it a while.
Now, when the opportunity to react to what someone is saying or doing presents itself, as it will, draw on the experience that your earlier vision gave you. You don’t have to get sucked into someone else’s drama. The freedom you will experience just might become the elixir you had been seeking through the power of control.
Sit quietly for a moment upon awakening and visualize who you want to be for the day. That will become a practice that can change your life considerably.
JULY 2 Surrendering control is another way to think of detachment.
To some, the term surrender may seem like defeat. It does mean “to give in.” But when we are using it in the context of relationships with significant people in our lives, surrendering means letting them have their own beliefs rather than insisting they adopt ours. It’s not a term of defeat but one of acceptance: accepting others as they are rather than as we might prefer them to be.
Detachment, when thought of as acceptance, offers a different slant to the process. For some, thinking of detachment as acceptance will make it more palatable. Letting others be who they are in every situation is a gift beyond measure to them and to us. Every time we surrender to a situation with someone else, we give ourselves freedom from the anxiety that trying to control them engenders in us. We generally don’t recognize the price we are paying in trying to control others until we have quit paying it. Then the relief comes over us and we finally know peace.
The decision to accept others exactly as they are isn’t make easily, but once the die is cast, nothing about how we experience them or any situation remains the same. Our lives shift significantly when we practice acceptance.
Surrendering isn’t defeat, it’s freedom. The practice is lifelong and rewarding, day after day.
JULY 3 The freedom to live our lives can’t be accomplished unless we detach ourselves from the lives of others.
If we have been codependently attached to others who journey with us, we have not given ourselves, or them, the freedom to experience real growth. Being with others is natural; that’s why they are present. But letting those others be the central focus of our own lives doesn’t allow us to see what’s standing before us that needs our attention.
There is a difference between joining with others for the shared experiences that are designed to complement our lives and not allowing ourselves the freedom to step away and do our own, very specific work. Detachment and joining with others are not mutually exclusive. To “join with” another is a loving, shared experience. Detachment is loving, too. It doesn’t ever mean to push someone aside in a mean way. It simply means to “move aside,” so each of us can do the work we are here to do.
Having specific work is good. That’s why we are here. Let’s remember that the same is true for our fellow travelers. We can show support for them, and should. We can hold out hope for the, and should. We can offer prayers for them, and should. The rest is up to them. And that’s as it should be.
We complicate our journey by being too focused on the path of someone else. There is another way. Let’s seek it today.
JULY 4 Maintaining healthy boundaries is key to good relationships. Knowing when to detach is crucial to the process.
There was a time in my past that I could not have defined what boundary even meant in terms of my relationships. I was enmeshed with my loved ones, and I liked it that way. My security was defined by it. But then the royal rejection occurred. I didn’t know who I was without him. I didn’t know what I liked, what I thought, what to even hope for I floundered and tried to take hostages. Fortunately, my attempts were not very successful. I had begun to surround myself with others who were healthier than me, and they didn’t want to be enmeshed. They understood the importance of boundaries and thus my education began.
I look back on that period with gratitude. I couldn’t be where I am now without the painful past I experience. That I sought enmeshment for so many years taught me so much that I am now passing on to others. That’s how it works. We learn and then we give it away, just as it was given to us.
My insecurity pushed me to try to make hostages of the people who showed an interest in me. Their security pushed me away. It was tough learning curve, but I began to appreciate their detachment as offering me the freedom I needed but had never claimed or understood. Now, that is what I try to demonstrate to others. The circle is complete.
Having a healthy boundary doesn’t mean not caring about those who are close to us. It actually means caring enough about them to let them live unencumbered by our control.
JULY 5 If we seek to detach, God will be present to help us.
God will always do for us what we can’t, but should, be doing. God will not help us with those things that aren’t on our spiritual agenda, but He will be available, unfailingly, to help with those things that are. There is great comfort in this. Nothing will be beyond God and us to accomplish. Detachment from those situations and people we are not in charge of are examples of where He will come to our aid.
Taking a deep breath and allowing God to enter into our consciousness (He is always waiting, you know) is the first step to finding the courage and the willingness to detach, even when we want desperately to interfere. God will lelet us interfere, of course; we do have free will. But our desire for peace, if great enough, will help us make a wiser choice, one to which God says amen.
Bringing to mind whatever your vision of God is-whether it’s a bright light, a hovering angel, a wise old man, a gentle breeze, or a field of wildflowers-will give you time to regroup when your ego is pushing you to control the uncontrollable. Relationships are never strengthened when we are playing God. Let’s turn that job over to the One who has that title.
God will always help us with any talk that is ours. Detachment is among those tasks that are.
JULY 6 Detachment will require major changes for some, minor changes for others.
Have you noticed how some people seem to thoughtlessly mind the business of others? We referred to them as the nosey neighbors when we were kids. Thdy snooped, criticized and gossiped. Perhaps you learned these traits as a youngster, too. When we carry them into adulthood, however, it doesn’t bode will for our relationships. Observing the behaviors of others, whether we approve of them or not, is the only kind of attention we should be giving. What they are doing is really none of our concern. This is not an easy lesson to learn. Begin by simply watching, saying nothing, and praying for the willingness to accept them as they are.
Fortunately, we don’t have to change this or any ill-conceived behavior instantaneously. We can inch toward the ultimate change we want to make, one day at a time. The accumulation of attempts will add up, and we will become the men and women we want to be, eventually.
No one wants to be thought of as pushy or controlling or nosey. There is only one way to forge the new us, and it’s by living, one day at a time, with a new set of rules about how we will interact with everyone else. Nothing about our lives will feel the same once we begin to apply these suggestions.
If life isn’t peaceful 24/7, it could be we are minding the business of others, or trying to. Detaching from them in all respects is the solution. This may be a big change for us or a small one. But the size isn’t relevant; the decision is.
JULY 7 The most effective way of keeping our focus where it belongs is by detaching from others.
Where does our focus belong? That’s the question we must address in hundreds of situations on a weekly basis. Our attention is easily snagged, following one scenario and then another, and we lose track of ourselves. Attending to the needs of others isn’t necessarily wrong, but when it’s at the expense of our own needs, we are creating more harm than good.
We must put ourselves first, and that doesn’t mean we are being selfish. It means, simply, that we are honouring the journey we have been invited to travel, and we can’t get to where we need to be if we get off the path too often to help those who need to be making their own way. That’s the significant point” everyone must make his or her own way. We can love, support, even make suggestions, perhaps, but we can’t take the reins from someone else. Hanging on to our own reins is the only assignment we must remain committed to.
There is only one way to accomplish what I am suggesting here: detach from the journey of others. That does not mean being unconcerned or unloving. On the contrary, detaching from others so that they can discover their own lessons and successes is one of the most loving acts we can perform.
Staying focused on ourselves takes great effort when we first try it, but it does get easier, as does any new behaviour. The payoff is well worth it. So every day, we must pull back if we find ourselves getting involved in situations that don’t concern us.
JULY 8 If we fail to detach from a person who is always in turmoil, we’re likely to blame them for our unhappiness.
Allowing the irresponsible behavior or insane turmoil surrounding someone else to become the focus of how we are feeling in the moment is a prime setup for resentment. We all know how this feels. Choosing to blame others for our lack of peace is commonplace. But we are in charge of our feelings! No one else’s behavior has the power to determine our feelings, but we succumb, quite often, to this mindset. Many of us learned this from our parents, no doubt. And we can unlearn it.
The choice to detach is as available to us as is the choice to blame; we simply have practiced blaming more frequently. We can reset our default position, however, with a simple decision. It has occurred to me that learning how to detach is one of reasons we are in pretty continual contact with others. Detachment is a “tool” that can be used not just with our families and friends but with strangers too.
Perhaps once a day we are faced with a situation with a stranger in which his behavior leaves us upset. It’s in these instances that detachment comes in very handy. Nothing anyone else does ever has to send us reeling. Isn’t that an empowering idea? It means that every day can e as joyful and as unencumbered as we choose to make it.
Blaming others is a common habit. We see it played out in our families and between world powers, too. Allowing for our differences is one way to reduce our need to blame. Acceptance of the value that our differences bring to the table could change the tenor of every relationship, worldwide.
JULY 9 Every moment provides a chance for us to make a healthy choice. Detachment is one of the healthiest of all.
This might seem like an odd suggestion, but our attachment to others can prevent us from taking care of our personal needs: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. When that’s the case, we may well succumb to ill health. Many members of the medical profession now agree that more than 90 percent of all sickness is related to stress. One of the biggest contributors to stress, I think, is our obsession with trying to control the actions and details of others’ lives, those very details that we need to detach from and that are forever uncontrollable anyway.
It’s an exciting realization that moment by moment we can change our perception, and a changed action will follow. We don’t have to keep doing what we have always done. It’s easy to stay in one groove, and we have made many of them very smooth by now, but it’s exhilarating to know that we can cut a new swath. That’s the opportunity we have every moment, in fact. We can head in a new direction, make a new decision, see our partners in a new way. Seeing our partners as our opportunities to learn new behaviors makes every experience with them very special.
JULY 10 Prayer is effective when honing the detachment skill.
Detachment is not a skill we are born with. In fact, we are born much more prone to clinging to others because of our uncertainties about life. As children, we often continue to cling, and our parents try to helpus understand that we are safe, even when not in their presence. But for some of us, the insecurity lasts into adulthood and the clinging does, too. Fortunately, most of our companions resist our need too cling, and it becomes necessary for us to learn new behavior. Detachment is that new behavior.
The value of detachment is seldom obvious initially. One thing is certain: not letting the presence of others take charge of your life means they may not notice your presence at all, and that can be troubling. Maybe we don’t want to be invisible. But it became obvious to me, many years ago, that my clinging, my trying to make myself indispensable to others, didn’t prevent me from being invisible to them anyway. Their need of me precluded their desire to value my presence.
But what’s to be done about this dilemma? We want to be valued. We want peaceful lives. We want to know we have made a difference in this world. But there are some activities that just won’t guarantee it, and one of these is trying to be the absolute all to someone else. Prayer is a great way to break the temptation. It might actually be the only way to start the process. That’s how it worked for me.
Praying to be relieved of the need to cling is a worthy prayer. It might be a way to jump-start the habit of detachment.
JULY 11 Watching others will reveal to us many who practice detachment.
We have all heard the phrase “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” This axiom also holds true for the practice of detachment. We are surrounded by people who seem generally unruffled by the behavior of others. The Dalai Lama and President Obama come to mind. Certain people seem able to let others do and say whatever they want to without having their own responses ruffled by them.
There are also those who are constantly in turmoil because someone isn’t behaving the way they want them to. Count me as guilty of falling into this category. But I am moving up the learning curve. I am not where I was a few years ago, and by next year I won’t be where I am now. Every time I see another person peacefully observing a situation without reacting, it gives me the momentum to continue my progress. And I know that my example is serving and inspiring others, too-those others who are lower on the curve than I am right now.
It’s rather exciting to know that our teachers are everywhere. If we’re not sure who they might be, we ask ourselves what it is we are trying to master. Then our teachers become apparent.
It is such good new to know that there is no timeline in learning how to successfully detach. We have as much time as we need and as many teachers as we need. Our job is to watch for them.
JULY 12 Are you choosing to detach when the opportunity presents itself today? Every minute of every day, unless we are living in complete isolation, offers us an opportunity to get involved in a situation or to stand back from it. Some situations should involve us, particularly if decisions that affect us are being made. But much that is going on around us doesn’t need our input. We are bystanders who can choose to simply observe what others are saying and doing. For many of us, this seems next to impossible. We clearly think that our suggestions are key to others making the best decisions. How wrong that thought is.
It’s such a good practice to allow others to be in charge of their own lives, which includes their own decisions. Perhaps our own parents or friends got too invested in our lives, developing in us the idea that interference wasn’t necessarily bad and surely not unexpected. It may even be helpful on occasion. No one of us can see the big picture all the time. But making the choice to be a bystander, unless our expertise is specifically sought, is a safer, saner decision. Our own lives give us plenty to be concerned with.
Being selective about where we place our attention and what we say will make us grateful at day’s end. We don’t have to do what we always did. Today is a new day.
JULY 13 There is a subtle distinction between joining with those on our journey and detaching from them when we need to. Our desire to heal spiritually, emotionally, and oftentimes physically is enhanced when we recognize our similarities with others rather than our differences. The decision to join means to put aside our comparisons and criticisms and seek, instead, to see how we can complement one another on this path we are sharing. That is what God, however we define Him, hopes for us as well. We can be the way-showers as will as the students, and all of us move forward as a result.
The importance of coming together with others should not be misinterpreted, however. Joining forces to help one another heal is not the same as trying to control one another’s healing. We are not in charge of anything as it relates to someone else. Our own lives are all that deservce our undivided attention.
What does this mean, practically? It means we allow ourselves to be empathetic, to be kind and accepting and available if our loved one wants to seek strength, experience, and hope from us. But it does not mean we are in the driver’s seat of anyone else’s life. We witness and then share our thoughts if they are sought. A prayer or two is always appropriate, however. All of us benefit from every prayer. Living in concert with others is one of the great pleasures of being alive. It can also be one of the setups for frustration. Knowing when to join forces and when we should let others alone is what we learn. The opportunities will be prevalent today.
JULY 14 Detachment is no longer living in the tumultuous spaces of other peoples’ minds.
One of the first things handed to me by my sponsor when I got sober was the AA acceptance pamphlet. She told me, “Read it and believe every word; it will change your life.” I did read it, over and over; I even tucked it under my pillow. But I still had trouble staying out of the minds of others. And I was extremely good at letting those same others live, rent free, in my mind. Discerning who I was and who others were had always been blurred for me. I wo wanted to belong that allowing myself to live in the midst of others’ minds and vice versa seemed better than not knowing where I leved at all. Fortunately, those days are long gone now.
But when someone is vulnerable due to illness, lack of rests, an unhealthy diet, an emotional upset of some kind, or even a mild affront by a friend or partner, it’s easy to fall back and repeat our earlier responses to unfriendly situations confronting us. Climbing back into someone else’s mind isn’t that difficult, unfortunately. Staying there for as long as we did before is unlikely, however. That’s the payoff from incorporating new information and practicing a new set of behaviors.
To the uninitiated, accepting others as they are with no hope of changing them may seem like a joyless way to live. But, on the contrary, it’s the only way to actually experience lasting joy.
I will let others be and enjoy them for who they are. My lesson is to let go. Every day, anew, this is the lesson: to let go.
JULY 15 Detachment doesn’t mean separation from our loved ones. It means acceptance of who and what they are.
I used to think that detachment meant I had to separate myself completely from the person who was getting too much of my attention. I didn’t seem able to let someone be in my life without them taking over my life. Therefore, my only alternative was to deny or ignore their presence altogether, which meant I wasn’t able to claim the lessons I had been destined to receive from that person, lessons we had agreed on a long time ago, according to Caroling Myss.
Our loved ones cry out to be accepted by us, and we never refuse to accept people as they are, we are creating a separation that breeds ill will along with illness. The desire, in fact the need, to join with others les deep within us, but we can deny that call. And when we do, we fail ourselves, one another, and the entire human community.
We so easily misconstrue the meaning of detachment. It’s not about denying the presence or the importance of anyone. It’s not about moving on without our loved ones. It’s not about judgment. Detachment is about taking care of ourselves and letting others do the same. Freedom for all is detachment in action.
Detachment doesn’t preclude joining with our loved ones. But distinct separation will result in our relationships being harmed. The better choice between the two is clearly discernible.
JULY 16 Detachment is a gift to one and all.
Many of us go through life connected at the hip, so to speak, with someone we consider special and “ours.” If we aren’t attached” to someone, we feel unworthy. Our journey is about coming to understand that attaching ourselves to God is what promises us the worthiness and security we seek, and this realization will change every experience, every day.
God’s grace, which is our gift, is what allows us to know and appreciate detachment. His grace moves us from where we are at any moment to a very soft and secure place. God’s presence is certain. The presence of others can be fleeting.
Needing others on our journey does not mean that we are lesser beings and have no life of our own. Indeed, having a rich and full life of our own is the very gift we bring to those special relationships that attract our attention.
For decades I have pondered why so many feel that without a life partner they are nothing. The answer may vary for different people, but I think at one time in my life it was because I felt invisible, even among friends, and I wanted one person, at the very least, to make me feel important. So when that person showed up, I clung. My attachment suffocated him and the relationship. I was a very slow learner; I suffocated many before I learned the value of detachment. Now I treasure being able to let God give me all the comfort and security I need.
Detachment is a gift that benefits everyone. Not being the constant focus of someone else is freeing. Not making someone else our “assignment” lets us live the life we are here to live.
JULY 17 Detachment never means being rude or dismissive.
For some, the idea of detachment may be elusive. It’s a word that’s more common in some circles than others. When I first heard the term, I assumed that shunning other was a reasonable way to express detachment. I had no idea that it was actually an act of love. I thought criticism might fit with the idea of detachment, but seeing detachment as allowing a person to be who he or she needed to be, without interference, without being judged or put down or ignored, were all very new ideas for me to incorporate.
But I am incorporating them, and my life is being transformed. What a pleasure to make the decision to refrain from criticizing others for who they are. I can’t say I succeed 100 percent of the time. But I am adding many moments of peace to the world I inhabit by the many times I choose to think a thought that pleases God, rather than one I might have chosen to think before being introduced to the principle of detachment. Initially, letting others be, without comment from me, is truly an act of will, but in time it becomes an act of choice. The benefits are immeasurable.
Giving up being rude simplifies our lives. Letting God direct our thoughts simplifies them even more. It is God’s hope that we let others be. That’s detachment.
JULY 18 Detachment is a growth opportunity that we can claim every day of our lives.
The celebration of detachment is not what I sought when first introduced to the concept. I didn’t want to be detached. I wanted to be attached. To me, that meant I was “chosen,” and there was really nothing more important to me at the time. Celebrating my life as a woman with specific gifts and goals didn’t seem inclusive enough. I wanted others to be with me, living my life every step of the way for validation. Not until my forties did I see the value of living in concert, in sync, but not enmeshed with that special other person.
What I see now is that we can walk among others and have our own life intact. We can allow others to do and be whomever their Spirit is calling them to be. We can witness them but not expect them to turn their life and will over to us. This means we will be able to see all the other invitations that might be swimming our way. When we are too involved in the life of someone else, perhaps demanding that they be a constant part of our life, we will never experience the individual growth we deserve.
Being detached doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean feeling no connection to someone else. It is not a way to distance ourselves from others. It is an expression of honest love for both of us in the relationship. This is such good news when we finally are able to hear it and absorb it. Witnessing is the gift; detachment is the tool.
Are you ready to grow today in whatever way is calling you? Unless you are living a life free from the obsession with others, you will miss one opportunity after another, and most will never come again
JULY 19 Detachment is not to be confused with disloyalty.
Trusting in the process of letting others have the growth they are here to experience is freedom for all concerned. Unfortunately, I have many memories of wanting to hold someone back from an experience they were ready for. My lack of trust in their process occurred because I didn’t trust that my Higher Power was part of my process. I planned my life around them and if they were moving on, or if I was, what would happen to us?
Fortunately, I have finally claimed detachment as one of my most treasured assets. I am not always good at it; I do still want to control fear too often. But I had to learn that detachment didn’t mean turning my back on someone before I could learn to feel good about adding it to my repertoire of characteristics. It has freed me and my loved ones in ways that neither I nor they could have imagined.
I sometimes wonder how my earlier relationships might have fared had I known then what I love knowing and living now. But I do also believe that we are always where we need to be, learning the lessons we are ready for. In earlier relationships I simply wasn’t ready for the information I now cherish. There is no need for remorse. We were only ready for what we were ready for.
Deciding to trust that everyone has their own Higher Power frees us to listen to ours. We can’t know what’s right for someone else. And letting them find their own way, without our input, is not being disloyal; on the contrary, its being respectful.
JULY 20 Detachment from the problems of others is God’s will. They and God will solve what needs to be solved.
Remembering that everyone has his or her own Higher Power relieves us of so much stress. Taking on someone else’s problems, even when they touch us in some way, is not necessary. That’s what God is for. God is waiting to be called on. Our Higher Power is always just a prayer, an idea, or a question away.
Why is this so hard to remember? Even after we glimpse the power of this truth, we have to be willing to pray, asking God for the help we need that has already been promised to us. God knows our needs. But it’s helpful for us to think them or voice them so that we know them too. That way we can recognize when the help has arrived.
The same is true for our companions. Their problems are for God to solve. We are not participants in their solutions. We can listen, we can share what has worked for us, we can pray with them. But we are not here to convey god’s will.
Watching others discover the power inherent in prayer lets us witness the power inherent in our detachment from them as they seek their own solutions. All of us are emboldened by the success that any one of us has with both prayer and detachment. Prayer and detachment complement each other.
When we need guidance, we seek God’s will. When we need comfort, we seek God’s presence. When we seem called to solve a problem for someone else, we let them go to God. In that way, all will be served.
JULY 21 Detachment is one of the most loving of all our actions.
How does staying uninvolved with the situations in others’ lives seem loving? I spent years assuming the opposite was true. I was very clever at wiggling my wiy into one life or another. Not being involved with the problems of the many people on my path felt unsympathetic and selfish. It also felt lonely. Perhaps my loneliness was what truly initiated my clinging to others.
Being told that detaching from the lives of others, their problems, and their cries for help is the best, most loving response we can make seems farfetched, doesn’t it? It took the wisdom of many voices to convince me that this was my best response to the people and situations I so frequently found myself in.
I do think we find ourselves in circumstances where we can best learn what’s needed for the next leg of our journey. I can’t be more grateful than I am for having learned the joy that accompanies the act of detachment. To be honest, at one time I didn’t think detaching from the lives of problems of others was ever going to be worth my effort. How wrong I was. It has taught me love-how to express it, how to receive it, how to savor it.
Love comes in many forms. One of the most helpful forms for all the companions we will know today or any day is detachment. It’s what gives us the most freedom and ultimately the most wisdom too. God lives in the tiny spaces of our letting go.
JULY 22 Detachment empowers.
We all have dreams. Some of us have bigger dreams than others. My husband’s was to build an experimental aircraft, which he is currently doing. I have one friend whose dream is to run a marathon, and she is training for her first on at age sixty-one. My aunt’s dream was to live until she was one hundred. She made it, just shy by two months, but she told us all she was one hundred anyway. In her mind, she had made it. And my mother’s dream was to learn to drive; at age fifty-two she took lessons, secretly, and surprised all of us.
My dream is to continue writing until the day I die. I am reminded of Frida Kaholo and how she painted lying down when she was in too much pain to stand or sit. It was her dream to simply keep painting.
The dream that any one of us has can best come to fruition if we have clear boundaries between what is ours to do and what belongs to others. When the boundaries are clear, we are empowered to follow our passions. We simply can’t follow our bliss if we are tied to the dreams or problems of others. Therefore, detachment is a necessary tool and one that we must practice repeatedly if we really want to fulfill our own dreams.
Remember, when someone else is following his or her own bliss, it does not mean we don’t matter to them. It’s really a gift for any of us when we are following our dream. But our minds can’t be two places at once.
Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. That’s why they have visited us. The only thing standing in our way is our over-involvement in the lives of others. Detach and watch the dream unfold.
JULY 23 Detachment offers us freedom from blame.
To blame others for what is not going right in our life is such a temptation. I blamed others for years. I saw it practiced in my home and with friends. It simply became habitual, thoughtlessly habitual, and it’s a very difficult habit to break. What has successfully worked for me, much of the time, is the decision to remain quiet, to detach from the person or the situation that is getting under my skin. I didn’t believe this choice was a viable one for many years. It did take focused effort and many hours of practice –many years of practice. But I have made progress.
Choosing to forego blame actually feels very good. Taking responsibility for what we have done and letting others off the hook when they aren’t ready to do the same is really very freeing. Having made a practice of letting others do and be whatever appeals to them is a gift ot ourselves and to them, a gift that simply changes every aspect of our journey.
We are here to watch and learn. We are here to bless and witness. We are here to offer guidance when sought. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope. Our purpose is never to blame. Everyone is stuck in an old perspective, a place where growth can’t happen, if we are caught in the web of blaming.
We can break free from blaming any time we want. The door to a new way of seeing and behaving is always open.
JULY 24 Detachment is like a breath of fresh air.
This may seem like an unusual way to describe detachment, but when I practice detachment, if feels as though I am letting my shoulders relax and simply breathing deeply after trying to hold on to the unmanageable. Hanging on to others, in any fashion, will never be successful. We can’t hold back their minds, their actions, their opinions. Letting go of every aspect of whom someone else chooses to be is not easy, but it’s so rewarding, once we get accustomed to it.
It makes our own lives so much simpler when we let those who walk among us do whatever they want to do. Now, of course, when our offspring are young, we can’t let them be unsupervised. But it’s folly to think that we will be able to control their every move. Their own free will will surface quite regularly, just as ours continues to do. But our acknowledging that it’s okay for them and all others to listen to guiding voices different from our own results in many opportunities for gratitude. Being grateful for even the tiny experiences that we have with letting others be, letting others do that which they feel called to do, even if it proves to be wrong in the long run, is the breath of fresh air we deserve.
There are many gifts that come with detachment. Relaxation is one of them. Freedom from stress is another. A quiet mind is perhaps the best of all. Gratitude becomes all-encompassing when we really let others live their own lives. I am so glad I made a commitment to this practice.
The commitment to detach from the lives of others begins with a decision. It’s a decision we can make moment by moment. Yet it is life changing.
JULY 25 Prayer is an effective way to help us detach from the behavior of others.
We can only hold on to one thought at a time. Making the one though we are dwelling on a prayer in a time of turmoil means we can’t be thinking that someone ought to be doing something they aren’t currently doing. This is a great shorthand way of changing who we are and how every moment feels. This is not to imply that we need to be in silent repose all day. But rather, when we begin to harbor thoughts about anyone else, thoughts that aren’t loving, gentle, and accepting, it’s time to ask God for another thought. Prayer can be quick and simple. We can do it with our eyes open as well as closed.
Knowing that detachment happens most effectively when we are in partnership with God gives me great relief. There are simply too many things that are hard to handle all alone. And what I’ve learned from my may years on this spiritual path is that none of them will be very effectively translated into a peaceful life if I ignore the help from God, as I understand Him or Her, that’s available just as soon as I seek it.
It’s important to acknowledge the many others who are traveling with me, too. They are not accidental travelers accompanying me on this path. It’s by design; it’s all by design. And that’s the best news of all. It makes detachment even easier, don’t you agree?
Prayer is the solution. Detachment is the tool. Peace of mind is the gift.
JULY 26 Unless we practice detachment, we will find ourselves reacting many times a day.
Choosing a right action is always preferable to falling into an automatic reaction. But the latter is the common response for many of us. For years, I constantly reacted to what people were doing or saying. I reacted to their opinions and tried to make mine similar where possible or to convince them to change theirs. I made many important decisions about very personal details of my life in reaction to the decisions others were making. I didn’t take stock of me and what I wanted. Frankly, I wasn’t sure how one did that. I tried to be what someone else thought I should be. It got me drunk, It got me divorced! It got me depressed, lonely, and confused.
Not everyone has had results like mine, perhaps, but no one has a fully productive or peaceful life if he or she is simply trying to fit in in order to be accepted. Perhaps growing up in a family that didn’t value independence contributed to my codependency regarding the opinions and actions of others. But there is no blame to be laid. I did what I did. And I’d say the end result has been very good.
It’s interesting how we end up where we actually need to be. Writing this book and the many that preceded it are the results of the many struggles I had. Today I can truly say that I am grateful. I am also truly grateful to have learned the true nature and value of detachment. I know, without contradiction, that practicing detachment is the only way I can fully live the life I am here to live.
Reacting to others is exhausting, in the final analysis. And it’s habitual. But so is the practice of detachment, and it’s guaranteed to make us feel peace.
JULY 27 When we practice detachment, we serve as great teachers to others.
We are reminded in the words of many spiritual guides that we are in the role of either teacher or student in every moment of time. And we switch, rather quietly, between one and other. It’s probable that we aren’t even certain which role we are in at a particular time: the difference between the two is subtle. But also, we don’t necessarily know what our companion has been sent to learn.
Modeling detachment, however, is one of the most important tools we can pass on to others, regardless of who our companions are. It’s not that we should be unaffected or uninfluenced by those around us, particularly when acts of love and gratitude are being expressed. But allowing behavior of any kind to determine how we feel makes us constantly dependent on others. As I’ve already said, we do share a path with people we need to learn from, but the path we share is a two-way street. We are both giving and receiving from one another. Constantly.
The idea of practicing detachment is such a gentle one, isn’t it? It allows us to be imperfect. Because we don’t detach perfectly, even for a few hours at a time, we can begin again the next day. No harm has been done, really. We can forgive ourselves for going where we didn’t need to go, and then take each new experience as it presents itself and practice detachment again, one experience and one person at a time.
The freedom we are promised when we practice detachment is unfathomable to most. We must experience it in order to believe it. Perhaps today is a good day to begin making the changes that will really matter in our lives tomorrow.
JULY 28 If we become too detached, will others leave us behind?
Clinging in order to keep a partner from straying is common to many women and men. But since fear drives this kind of behavior, it really doesn’t prevent the very thing we are afraid of; in fact, it might even trigger it. Not only have I had personal experience with this, but I have known dozens of others who have been certain that the right word, the right action or reaction, or the right gift would make another feel indebted for life. But to no avail. In other words, attachment does not prevent a person from leaving. This brings us to detachment.
Will the expression of detachment, boldly stated by one’s actions, lead to being left behind? I certainly can’t answer this with absolute assurance, but my experience, my interactions with others on many levels, my path of spiritual enlightenment, have led me to believe that people leave because they must. It’s not what we do or say that drives a person away. What one has needed to learn has been learned, and the time is right to move on.
This might seem to be a cold assessment, but I think that looking at this principle objectively allows us to see that there is usually no harm intended, not really, when one moves on. Our commitment to detachment allows us to let others go without our feeling so personally rejected. Our teachers are everywhere. Learning to say good-by, without rancor, is growth.
Detachment doesn’t push people away. It frees all of us. Let’s not forget that.
JULY 29 The most loving thing we can do is let another person be free; that’s detachment.
Buying flowers for a friend is certainly loving. So is buying lunch for a special occasion. Making a phone call or sending an email just to say hello is a sign of caring too. There are multiple ways of expressing love, many of which we utilize regularly. But letting someone go, to be free to do whatever he or she wants to do, which may be the hardest of all our expressions, is the clearest sign of love we can offer. It says, “I trust you to do what you need to do.”
It’s not easy to detach from the movements of others. Far too often we rely on their presence to complete us. But holding someone back from the experiences he or she may be ready for puts us in charge of another’s growth. It’s a behavior that will also come back to bite us if the person misses an opportunity that he has longed for. We simply must let people evolve as they desire. That doesn’t mean they might not get burned, but at least we are not holding the flame.
Detaching from the changes others may need to make may never be easy, at least not initially But it does get easier. And it does feel better than clinging to the object of our affection. We can’t have the life we need if we are too wrapped up in the life someone else needs. Letting them go accomplishes two things: it allows us and the other person to soar.
We may not realize that we also need to be free, but when we begin to experience it on a more regular basis we will realize what we had been missing. And we will not want to go back to the way things were before.
JULY 30 Detachment is practiced moment by moment.
It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise. It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it. We must be willing to make it, however.
If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always experienced. Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank god for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do. All theses steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
JULY 31 Accountability, ours and others; is the hallmark of detachment.
Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage. The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.
Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure. But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work of we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it. What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
Being able to “see” ourselves succeeding at something is often the first step to meeting with the success we long for. Olympic athletes occasionally practice by envisioning there runs prior to the day of the event. I have had direct experience with this too when preparing for a major oral exam. The practice, even though only in the mind, offers a sense of having been there already. It’s quite effective. Psychologists agree. Why, then, wouldn’t the concept apply to the exercise of detachment?
If you are in a relationship that you struggle with, one that seems to scream for your over involvement, take a few moments every morning and sit quietly in deep silence with eyes closed, envisioning being able to walk away when the temptation to speak is strong. See yourself smiling within, calmly breathing, and simply minding your own business. Notice how much more peaceful you feel. Savor that feeling. Sit with it a while.
Now, when the opportunity to react to what someone is saying or doing presents itself, as it will, draw on the experience that your earlier vision gave you. You don’t have to get sucked into someone else’s drama. The freedom you will experience just might become the elixir you had been seeking through the power of control.
Sit quietly for a moment upon awakening and visualize who you want to be for the day. That will become a practice that can change your life considerably.
JULY 2 Surrendering control is another way to think of detachment.
To some, the term surrender may seem like defeat. It does mean “to give in.” But when we are using it in the context of relationships with significant people in our lives, surrendering means letting them have their own beliefs rather than insisting they adopt ours. It’s not a term of defeat but one of acceptance: accepting others as they are rather than as we might prefer them to be.
Detachment, when thought of as acceptance, offers a different slant to the process. For some, thinking of detachment as acceptance will make it more palatable. Letting others be who they are in every situation is a gift beyond measure to them and to us. Every time we surrender to a situation with someone else, we give ourselves freedom from the anxiety that trying to control them engenders in us. We generally don’t recognize the price we are paying in trying to control others until we have quit paying it. Then the relief comes over us and we finally know peace.
The decision to accept others exactly as they are isn’t make easily, but once the die is cast, nothing about how we experience them or any situation remains the same. Our lives shift significantly when we practice acceptance.
Surrendering isn’t defeat, it’s freedom. The practice is lifelong and rewarding, day after day.
JULY 3 The freedom to live our lives can’t be accomplished unless we detach ourselves from the lives of others.
If we have been codependently attached to others who journey with us, we have not given ourselves, or them, the freedom to experience real growth. Being with others is natural; that’s why they are present. But letting those others be the central focus of our own lives doesn’t allow us to see what’s standing before us that needs our attention.
There is a difference between joining with others for the shared experiences that are designed to complement our lives and not allowing ourselves the freedom to step away and do our own, very specific work. Detachment and joining with others are not mutually exclusive. To “join with” another is a loving, shared experience. Detachment is loving, too. It doesn’t ever mean to push someone aside in a mean way. It simply means to “move aside,” so each of us can do the work we are here to do.
Having specific work is good. That’s why we are here. Let’s remember that the same is true for our fellow travelers. We can show support for them, and should. We can hold out hope for the, and should. We can offer prayers for them, and should. The rest is up to them. And that’s as it should be.
We complicate our journey by being too focused on the path of someone else. There is another way. Let’s seek it today.
JULY 4 Maintaining healthy boundaries is key to good relationships. Knowing when to detach is crucial to the process.
There was a time in my past that I could not have defined what boundary even meant in terms of my relationships. I was enmeshed with my loved ones, and I liked it that way. My security was defined by it. But then the royal rejection occurred. I didn’t know who I was without him. I didn’t know what I liked, what I thought, what to even hope for I floundered and tried to take hostages. Fortunately, my attempts were not very successful. I had begun to surround myself with others who were healthier than me, and they didn’t want to be enmeshed. They understood the importance of boundaries and thus my education began.
I look back on that period with gratitude. I couldn’t be where I am now without the painful past I experience. That I sought enmeshment for so many years taught me so much that I am now passing on to others. That’s how it works. We learn and then we give it away, just as it was given to us.
My insecurity pushed me to try to make hostages of the people who showed an interest in me. Their security pushed me away. It was tough learning curve, but I began to appreciate their detachment as offering me the freedom I needed but had never claimed or understood. Now, that is what I try to demonstrate to others. The circle is complete.
Having a healthy boundary doesn’t mean not caring about those who are close to us. It actually means caring enough about them to let them live unencumbered by our control.
JULY 5 If we seek to detach, God will be present to help us.
God will always do for us what we can’t, but should, be doing. God will not help us with those things that aren’t on our spiritual agenda, but He will be available, unfailingly, to help with those things that are. There is great comfort in this. Nothing will be beyond God and us to accomplish. Detachment from those situations and people we are not in charge of are examples of where He will come to our aid.
Taking a deep breath and allowing God to enter into our consciousness (He is always waiting, you know) is the first step to finding the courage and the willingness to detach, even when we want desperately to interfere. God will lelet us interfere, of course; we do have free will. But our desire for peace, if great enough, will help us make a wiser choice, one to which God says amen.
Bringing to mind whatever your vision of God is-whether it’s a bright light, a hovering angel, a wise old man, a gentle breeze, or a field of wildflowers-will give you time to regroup when your ego is pushing you to control the uncontrollable. Relationships are never strengthened when we are playing God. Let’s turn that job over to the One who has that title.
God will always help us with any talk that is ours. Detachment is among those tasks that are.
JULY 6 Detachment will require major changes for some, minor changes for others.
Have you noticed how some people seem to thoughtlessly mind the business of others? We referred to them as the nosey neighbors when we were kids. Thdy snooped, criticized and gossiped. Perhaps you learned these traits as a youngster, too. When we carry them into adulthood, however, it doesn’t bode will for our relationships. Observing the behaviors of others, whether we approve of them or not, is the only kind of attention we should be giving. What they are doing is really none of our concern. This is not an easy lesson to learn. Begin by simply watching, saying nothing, and praying for the willingness to accept them as they are.
Fortunately, we don’t have to change this or any ill-conceived behavior instantaneously. We can inch toward the ultimate change we want to make, one day at a time. The accumulation of attempts will add up, and we will become the men and women we want to be, eventually.
No one wants to be thought of as pushy or controlling or nosey. There is only one way to forge the new us, and it’s by living, one day at a time, with a new set of rules about how we will interact with everyone else. Nothing about our lives will feel the same once we begin to apply these suggestions.
If life isn’t peaceful 24/7, it could be we are minding the business of others, or trying to. Detaching from them in all respects is the solution. This may be a big change for us or a small one. But the size isn’t relevant; the decision is.
JULY 7 The most effective way of keeping our focus where it belongs is by detaching from others.
Where does our focus belong? That’s the question we must address in hundreds of situations on a weekly basis. Our attention is easily snagged, following one scenario and then another, and we lose track of ourselves. Attending to the needs of others isn’t necessarily wrong, but when it’s at the expense of our own needs, we are creating more harm than good.
We must put ourselves first, and that doesn’t mean we are being selfish. It means, simply, that we are honouring the journey we have been invited to travel, and we can’t get to where we need to be if we get off the path too often to help those who need to be making their own way. That’s the significant point” everyone must make his or her own way. We can love, support, even make suggestions, perhaps, but we can’t take the reins from someone else. Hanging on to our own reins is the only assignment we must remain committed to.
There is only one way to accomplish what I am suggesting here: detach from the journey of others. That does not mean being unconcerned or unloving. On the contrary, detaching from others so that they can discover their own lessons and successes is one of the most loving acts we can perform.
Staying focused on ourselves takes great effort when we first try it, but it does get easier, as does any new behaviour. The payoff is well worth it. So every day, we must pull back if we find ourselves getting involved in situations that don’t concern us.
JULY 8 If we fail to detach from a person who is always in turmoil, we’re likely to blame them for our unhappiness.
Allowing the irresponsible behavior or insane turmoil surrounding someone else to become the focus of how we are feeling in the moment is a prime setup for resentment. We all know how this feels. Choosing to blame others for our lack of peace is commonplace. But we are in charge of our feelings! No one else’s behavior has the power to determine our feelings, but we succumb, quite often, to this mindset. Many of us learned this from our parents, no doubt. And we can unlearn it.
The choice to detach is as available to us as is the choice to blame; we simply have practiced blaming more frequently. We can reset our default position, however, with a simple decision. It has occurred to me that learning how to detach is one of reasons we are in pretty continual contact with others. Detachment is a “tool” that can be used not just with our families and friends but with strangers too.
Perhaps once a day we are faced with a situation with a stranger in which his behavior leaves us upset. It’s in these instances that detachment comes in very handy. Nothing anyone else does ever has to send us reeling. Isn’t that an empowering idea? It means that every day can e as joyful and as unencumbered as we choose to make it.
Blaming others is a common habit. We see it played out in our families and between world powers, too. Allowing for our differences is one way to reduce our need to blame. Acceptance of the value that our differences bring to the table could change the tenor of every relationship, worldwide.
JULY 9 Every moment provides a chance for us to make a healthy choice. Detachment is one of the healthiest of all.
This might seem like an odd suggestion, but our attachment to others can prevent us from taking care of our personal needs: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. When that’s the case, we may well succumb to ill health. Many members of the medical profession now agree that more than 90 percent of all sickness is related to stress. One of the biggest contributors to stress, I think, is our obsession with trying to control the actions and details of others’ lives, those very details that we need to detach from and that are forever uncontrollable anyway.
It’s an exciting realization that moment by moment we can change our perception, and a changed action will follow. We don’t have to keep doing what we have always done. It’s easy to stay in one groove, and we have made many of them very smooth by now, but it’s exhilarating to know that we can cut a new swath. That’s the opportunity we have every moment, in fact. We can head in a new direction, make a new decision, see our partners in a new way. Seeing our partners as our opportunities to learn new behaviors makes every experience with them very special.
JULY 10 Prayer is effective when honing the detachment skill.
Detachment is not a skill we are born with. In fact, we are born much more prone to clinging to others because of our uncertainties about life. As children, we often continue to cling, and our parents try to helpus understand that we are safe, even when not in their presence. But for some of us, the insecurity lasts into adulthood and the clinging does, too. Fortunately, most of our companions resist our need too cling, and it becomes necessary for us to learn new behavior. Detachment is that new behavior.
The value of detachment is seldom obvious initially. One thing is certain: not letting the presence of others take charge of your life means they may not notice your presence at all, and that can be troubling. Maybe we don’t want to be invisible. But it became obvious to me, many years ago, that my clinging, my trying to make myself indispensable to others, didn’t prevent me from being invisible to them anyway. Their need of me precluded their desire to value my presence.
But what’s to be done about this dilemma? We want to be valued. We want peaceful lives. We want to know we have made a difference in this world. But there are some activities that just won’t guarantee it, and one of these is trying to be the absolute all to someone else. Prayer is a great way to break the temptation. It might actually be the only way to start the process. That’s how it worked for me.
Praying to be relieved of the need to cling is a worthy prayer. It might be a way to jump-start the habit of detachment.
JULY 11 Watching others will reveal to us many who practice detachment.
We have all heard the phrase “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” This axiom also holds true for the practice of detachment. We are surrounded by people who seem generally unruffled by the behavior of others. The Dalai Lama and President Obama come to mind. Certain people seem able to let others do and say whatever they want to without having their own responses ruffled by them.
There are also those who are constantly in turmoil because someone isn’t behaving the way they want them to. Count me as guilty of falling into this category. But I am moving up the learning curve. I am not where I was a few years ago, and by next year I won’t be where I am now. Every time I see another person peacefully observing a situation without reacting, it gives me the momentum to continue my progress. And I know that my example is serving and inspiring others, too-those others who are lower on the curve than I am right now.
It’s rather exciting to know that our teachers are everywhere. If we’re not sure who they might be, we ask ourselves what it is we are trying to master. Then our teachers become apparent.
It is such good new to know that there is no timeline in learning how to successfully detach. We have as much time as we need and as many teachers as we need. Our job is to watch for them.
JULY 12 Are you choosing to detach when the opportunity presents itself today? Every minute of every day, unless we are living in complete isolation, offers us an opportunity to get involved in a situation or to stand back from it. Some situations should involve us, particularly if decisions that affect us are being made. But much that is going on around us doesn’t need our input. We are bystanders who can choose to simply observe what others are saying and doing. For many of us, this seems next to impossible. We clearly think that our suggestions are key to others making the best decisions. How wrong that thought is.
It’s such a good practice to allow others to be in charge of their own lives, which includes their own decisions. Perhaps our own parents or friends got too invested in our lives, developing in us the idea that interference wasn’t necessarily bad and surely not unexpected. It may even be helpful on occasion. No one of us can see the big picture all the time. But making the choice to be a bystander, unless our expertise is specifically sought, is a safer, saner decision. Our own lives give us plenty to be concerned with.
Being selective about where we place our attention and what we say will make us grateful at day’s end. We don’t have to do what we always did. Today is a new day.
JULY 13 There is a subtle distinction between joining with those on our journey and detaching from them when we need to. Our desire to heal spiritually, emotionally, and oftentimes physically is enhanced when we recognize our similarities with others rather than our differences. The decision to join means to put aside our comparisons and criticisms and seek, instead, to see how we can complement one another on this path we are sharing. That is what God, however we define Him, hopes for us as well. We can be the way-showers as will as the students, and all of us move forward as a result.
The importance of coming together with others should not be misinterpreted, however. Joining forces to help one another heal is not the same as trying to control one another’s healing. We are not in charge of anything as it relates to someone else. Our own lives are all that deservce our undivided attention.
What does this mean, practically? It means we allow ourselves to be empathetic, to be kind and accepting and available if our loved one wants to seek strength, experience, and hope from us. But it does not mean we are in the driver’s seat of anyone else’s life. We witness and then share our thoughts if they are sought. A prayer or two is always appropriate, however. All of us benefit from every prayer. Living in concert with others is one of the great pleasures of being alive. It can also be one of the setups for frustration. Knowing when to join forces and when we should let others alone is what we learn. The opportunities will be prevalent today.
JULY 14 Detachment is no longer living in the tumultuous spaces of other peoples’ minds.
One of the first things handed to me by my sponsor when I got sober was the AA acceptance pamphlet. She told me, “Read it and believe every word; it will change your life.” I did read it, over and over; I even tucked it under my pillow. But I still had trouble staying out of the minds of others. And I was extremely good at letting those same others live, rent free, in my mind. Discerning who I was and who others were had always been blurred for me. I wo wanted to belong that allowing myself to live in the midst of others’ minds and vice versa seemed better than not knowing where I leved at all. Fortunately, those days are long gone now.
But when someone is vulnerable due to illness, lack of rests, an unhealthy diet, an emotional upset of some kind, or even a mild affront by a friend or partner, it’s easy to fall back and repeat our earlier responses to unfriendly situations confronting us. Climbing back into someone else’s mind isn’t that difficult, unfortunately. Staying there for as long as we did before is unlikely, however. That’s the payoff from incorporating new information and practicing a new set of behaviors.
To the uninitiated, accepting others as they are with no hope of changing them may seem like a joyless way to live. But, on the contrary, it’s the only way to actually experience lasting joy.
I will let others be and enjoy them for who they are. My lesson is to let go. Every day, anew, this is the lesson: to let go.
JULY 15 Detachment doesn’t mean separation from our loved ones. It means acceptance of who and what they are.
I used to think that detachment meant I had to separate myself completely from the person who was getting too much of my attention. I didn’t seem able to let someone be in my life without them taking over my life. Therefore, my only alternative was to deny or ignore their presence altogether, which meant I wasn’t able to claim the lessons I had been destined to receive from that person, lessons we had agreed on a long time ago, according to Caroling Myss.
Our loved ones cry out to be accepted by us, and we never refuse to accept people as they are, we are creating a separation that breeds ill will along with illness. The desire, in fact the need, to join with others les deep within us, but we can deny that call. And when we do, we fail ourselves, one another, and the entire human community.
We so easily misconstrue the meaning of detachment. It’s not about denying the presence or the importance of anyone. It’s not about moving on without our loved ones. It’s not about judgment. Detachment is about taking care of ourselves and letting others do the same. Freedom for all is detachment in action.
Detachment doesn’t preclude joining with our loved ones. But distinct separation will result in our relationships being harmed. The better choice between the two is clearly discernible.
JULY 16 Detachment is a gift to one and all.
Many of us go through life connected at the hip, so to speak, with someone we consider special and “ours.” If we aren’t attached” to someone, we feel unworthy. Our journey is about coming to understand that attaching ourselves to God is what promises us the worthiness and security we seek, and this realization will change every experience, every day.
God’s grace, which is our gift, is what allows us to know and appreciate detachment. His grace moves us from where we are at any moment to a very soft and secure place. God’s presence is certain. The presence of others can be fleeting.
Needing others on our journey does not mean that we are lesser beings and have no life of our own. Indeed, having a rich and full life of our own is the very gift we bring to those special relationships that attract our attention.
For decades I have pondered why so many feel that without a life partner they are nothing. The answer may vary for different people, but I think at one time in my life it was because I felt invisible, even among friends, and I wanted one person, at the very least, to make me feel important. So when that person showed up, I clung. My attachment suffocated him and the relationship. I was a very slow learner; I suffocated many before I learned the value of detachment. Now I treasure being able to let God give me all the comfort and security I need.
Detachment is a gift that benefits everyone. Not being the constant focus of someone else is freeing. Not making someone else our “assignment” lets us live the life we are here to live.
JULY 17 Detachment never means being rude or dismissive.
For some, the idea of detachment may be elusive. It’s a word that’s more common in some circles than others. When I first heard the term, I assumed that shunning other was a reasonable way to express detachment. I had no idea that it was actually an act of love. I thought criticism might fit with the idea of detachment, but seeing detachment as allowing a person to be who he or she needed to be, without interference, without being judged or put down or ignored, were all very new ideas for me to incorporate.
But I am incorporating them, and my life is being transformed. What a pleasure to make the decision to refrain from criticizing others for who they are. I can’t say I succeed 100 percent of the time. But I am adding many moments of peace to the world I inhabit by the many times I choose to think a thought that pleases God, rather than one I might have chosen to think before being introduced to the principle of detachment. Initially, letting others be, without comment from me, is truly an act of will, but in time it becomes an act of choice. The benefits are immeasurable.
Giving up being rude simplifies our lives. Letting God direct our thoughts simplifies them even more. It is God’s hope that we let others be. That’s detachment.
JULY 18 Detachment is a growth opportunity that we can claim every day of our lives.
The celebration of detachment is not what I sought when first introduced to the concept. I didn’t want to be detached. I wanted to be attached. To me, that meant I was “chosen,” and there was really nothing more important to me at the time. Celebrating my life as a woman with specific gifts and goals didn’t seem inclusive enough. I wanted others to be with me, living my life every step of the way for validation. Not until my forties did I see the value of living in concert, in sync, but not enmeshed with that special other person.
What I see now is that we can walk among others and have our own life intact. We can allow others to do and be whomever their Spirit is calling them to be. We can witness them but not expect them to turn their life and will over to us. This means we will be able to see all the other invitations that might be swimming our way. When we are too involved in the life of someone else, perhaps demanding that they be a constant part of our life, we will never experience the individual growth we deserve.
Being detached doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean feeling no connection to someone else. It is not a way to distance ourselves from others. It is an expression of honest love for both of us in the relationship. This is such good news when we finally are able to hear it and absorb it. Witnessing is the gift; detachment is the tool.
Are you ready to grow today in whatever way is calling you? Unless you are living a life free from the obsession with others, you will miss one opportunity after another, and most will never come again
JULY 19 Detachment is not to be confused with disloyalty.
Trusting in the process of letting others have the growth they are here to experience is freedom for all concerned. Unfortunately, I have many memories of wanting to hold someone back from an experience they were ready for. My lack of trust in their process occurred because I didn’t trust that my Higher Power was part of my process. I planned my life around them and if they were moving on, or if I was, what would happen to us?
Fortunately, I have finally claimed detachment as one of my most treasured assets. I am not always good at it; I do still want to control fear too often. But I had to learn that detachment didn’t mean turning my back on someone before I could learn to feel good about adding it to my repertoire of characteristics. It has freed me and my loved ones in ways that neither I nor they could have imagined.
I sometimes wonder how my earlier relationships might have fared had I known then what I love knowing and living now. But I do also believe that we are always where we need to be, learning the lessons we are ready for. In earlier relationships I simply wasn’t ready for the information I now cherish. There is no need for remorse. We were only ready for what we were ready for.
Deciding to trust that everyone has their own Higher Power frees us to listen to ours. We can’t know what’s right for someone else. And letting them find their own way, without our input, is not being disloyal; on the contrary, its being respectful.
JULY 20 Detachment from the problems of others is God’s will. They and God will solve what needs to be solved.
Remembering that everyone has his or her own Higher Power relieves us of so much stress. Taking on someone else’s problems, even when they touch us in some way, is not necessary. That’s what God is for. God is waiting to be called on. Our Higher Power is always just a prayer, an idea, or a question away.
Why is this so hard to remember? Even after we glimpse the power of this truth, we have to be willing to pray, asking God for the help we need that has already been promised to us. God knows our needs. But it’s helpful for us to think them or voice them so that we know them too. That way we can recognize when the help has arrived.
The same is true for our companions. Their problems are for God to solve. We are not participants in their solutions. We can listen, we can share what has worked for us, we can pray with them. But we are not here to convey god’s will.
Watching others discover the power inherent in prayer lets us witness the power inherent in our detachment from them as they seek their own solutions. All of us are emboldened by the success that any one of us has with both prayer and detachment. Prayer and detachment complement each other.
When we need guidance, we seek God’s will. When we need comfort, we seek God’s presence. When we seem called to solve a problem for someone else, we let them go to God. In that way, all will be served.
JULY 21 Detachment is one of the most loving of all our actions.
How does staying uninvolved with the situations in others’ lives seem loving? I spent years assuming the opposite was true. I was very clever at wiggling my wiy into one life or another. Not being involved with the problems of the many people on my path felt unsympathetic and selfish. It also felt lonely. Perhaps my loneliness was what truly initiated my clinging to others.
Being told that detaching from the lives of others, their problems, and their cries for help is the best, most loving response we can make seems farfetched, doesn’t it? It took the wisdom of many voices to convince me that this was my best response to the people and situations I so frequently found myself in.
I do think we find ourselves in circumstances where we can best learn what’s needed for the next leg of our journey. I can’t be more grateful than I am for having learned the joy that accompanies the act of detachment. To be honest, at one time I didn’t think detaching from the lives of problems of others was ever going to be worth my effort. How wrong I was. It has taught me love-how to express it, how to receive it, how to savor it.
Love comes in many forms. One of the most helpful forms for all the companions we will know today or any day is detachment. It’s what gives us the most freedom and ultimately the most wisdom too. God lives in the tiny spaces of our letting go.
JULY 22 Detachment empowers.
We all have dreams. Some of us have bigger dreams than others. My husband’s was to build an experimental aircraft, which he is currently doing. I have one friend whose dream is to run a marathon, and she is training for her first on at age sixty-one. My aunt’s dream was to live until she was one hundred. She made it, just shy by two months, but she told us all she was one hundred anyway. In her mind, she had made it. And my mother’s dream was to learn to drive; at age fifty-two she took lessons, secretly, and surprised all of us.
My dream is to continue writing until the day I die. I am reminded of Frida Kaholo and how she painted lying down when she was in too much pain to stand or sit. It was her dream to simply keep painting.
The dream that any one of us has can best come to fruition if we have clear boundaries between what is ours to do and what belongs to others. When the boundaries are clear, we are empowered to follow our passions. We simply can’t follow our bliss if we are tied to the dreams or problems of others. Therefore, detachment is a necessary tool and one that we must practice repeatedly if we really want to fulfill our own dreams.
Remember, when someone else is following his or her own bliss, it does not mean we don’t matter to them. It’s really a gift for any of us when we are following our dream. But our minds can’t be two places at once.
Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. That’s why they have visited us. The only thing standing in our way is our over-involvement in the lives of others. Detach and watch the dream unfold.
JULY 23 Detachment offers us freedom from blame.
To blame others for what is not going right in our life is such a temptation. I blamed others for years. I saw it practiced in my home and with friends. It simply became habitual, thoughtlessly habitual, and it’s a very difficult habit to break. What has successfully worked for me, much of the time, is the decision to remain quiet, to detach from the person or the situation that is getting under my skin. I didn’t believe this choice was a viable one for many years. It did take focused effort and many hours of practice –many years of practice. But I have made progress.
Choosing to forego blame actually feels very good. Taking responsibility for what we have done and letting others off the hook when they aren’t ready to do the same is really very freeing. Having made a practice of letting others do and be whatever appeals to them is a gift ot ourselves and to them, a gift that simply changes every aspect of our journey.
We are here to watch and learn. We are here to bless and witness. We are here to offer guidance when sought. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope. Our purpose is never to blame. Everyone is stuck in an old perspective, a place where growth can’t happen, if we are caught in the web of blaming.
We can break free from blaming any time we want. The door to a new way of seeing and behaving is always open.
JULY 24 Detachment is like a breath of fresh air.
This may seem like an unusual way to describe detachment, but when I practice detachment, if feels as though I am letting my shoulders relax and simply breathing deeply after trying to hold on to the unmanageable. Hanging on to others, in any fashion, will never be successful. We can’t hold back their minds, their actions, their opinions. Letting go of every aspect of whom someone else chooses to be is not easy, but it’s so rewarding, once we get accustomed to it.
It makes our own lives so much simpler when we let those who walk among us do whatever they want to do. Now, of course, when our offspring are young, we can’t let them be unsupervised. But it’s folly to think that we will be able to control their every move. Their own free will will surface quite regularly, just as ours continues to do. But our acknowledging that it’s okay for them and all others to listen to guiding voices different from our own results in many opportunities for gratitude. Being grateful for even the tiny experiences that we have with letting others be, letting others do that which they feel called to do, even if it proves to be wrong in the long run, is the breath of fresh air we deserve.
There are many gifts that come with detachment. Relaxation is one of them. Freedom from stress is another. A quiet mind is perhaps the best of all. Gratitude becomes all-encompassing when we really let others live their own lives. I am so glad I made a commitment to this practice.
The commitment to detach from the lives of others begins with a decision. It’s a decision we can make moment by moment. Yet it is life changing.
JULY 25 Prayer is an effective way to help us detach from the behavior of others.
We can only hold on to one thought at a time. Making the one though we are dwelling on a prayer in a time of turmoil means we can’t be thinking that someone ought to be doing something they aren’t currently doing. This is a great shorthand way of changing who we are and how every moment feels. This is not to imply that we need to be in silent repose all day. But rather, when we begin to harbor thoughts about anyone else, thoughts that aren’t loving, gentle, and accepting, it’s time to ask God for another thought. Prayer can be quick and simple. We can do it with our eyes open as well as closed.
Knowing that detachment happens most effectively when we are in partnership with God gives me great relief. There are simply too many things that are hard to handle all alone. And what I’ve learned from my may years on this spiritual path is that none of them will be very effectively translated into a peaceful life if I ignore the help from God, as I understand Him or Her, that’s available just as soon as I seek it.
It’s important to acknowledge the many others who are traveling with me, too. They are not accidental travelers accompanying me on this path. It’s by design; it’s all by design. And that’s the best news of all. It makes detachment even easier, don’t you agree?
Prayer is the solution. Detachment is the tool. Peace of mind is the gift.
JULY 26 Unless we practice detachment, we will find ourselves reacting many times a day.
Choosing a right action is always preferable to falling into an automatic reaction. But the latter is the common response for many of us. For years, I constantly reacted to what people were doing or saying. I reacted to their opinions and tried to make mine similar where possible or to convince them to change theirs. I made many important decisions about very personal details of my life in reaction to the decisions others were making. I didn’t take stock of me and what I wanted. Frankly, I wasn’t sure how one did that. I tried to be what someone else thought I should be. It got me drunk, It got me divorced! It got me depressed, lonely, and confused.
Not everyone has had results like mine, perhaps, but no one has a fully productive or peaceful life if he or she is simply trying to fit in in order to be accepted. Perhaps growing up in a family that didn’t value independence contributed to my codependency regarding the opinions and actions of others. But there is no blame to be laid. I did what I did. And I’d say the end result has been very good.
It’s interesting how we end up where we actually need to be. Writing this book and the many that preceded it are the results of the many struggles I had. Today I can truly say that I am grateful. I am also truly grateful to have learned the true nature and value of detachment. I know, without contradiction, that practicing detachment is the only way I can fully live the life I am here to live.
Reacting to others is exhausting, in the final analysis. And it’s habitual. But so is the practice of detachment, and it’s guaranteed to make us feel peace.
JULY 27 When we practice detachment, we serve as great teachers to others.
We are reminded in the words of many spiritual guides that we are in the role of either teacher or student in every moment of time. And we switch, rather quietly, between one and other. It’s probable that we aren’t even certain which role we are in at a particular time: the difference between the two is subtle. But also, we don’t necessarily know what our companion has been sent to learn.
Modeling detachment, however, is one of the most important tools we can pass on to others, regardless of who our companions are. It’s not that we should be unaffected or uninfluenced by those around us, particularly when acts of love and gratitude are being expressed. But allowing behavior of any kind to determine how we feel makes us constantly dependent on others. As I’ve already said, we do share a path with people we need to learn from, but the path we share is a two-way street. We are both giving and receiving from one another. Constantly.
The idea of practicing detachment is such a gentle one, isn’t it? It allows us to be imperfect. Because we don’t detach perfectly, even for a few hours at a time, we can begin again the next day. No harm has been done, really. We can forgive ourselves for going where we didn’t need to go, and then take each new experience as it presents itself and practice detachment again, one experience and one person at a time.
The freedom we are promised when we practice detachment is unfathomable to most. We must experience it in order to believe it. Perhaps today is a good day to begin making the changes that will really matter in our lives tomorrow.
JULY 28 If we become too detached, will others leave us behind?
Clinging in order to keep a partner from straying is common to many women and men. But since fear drives this kind of behavior, it really doesn’t prevent the very thing we are afraid of; in fact, it might even trigger it. Not only have I had personal experience with this, but I have known dozens of others who have been certain that the right word, the right action or reaction, or the right gift would make another feel indebted for life. But to no avail. In other words, attachment does not prevent a person from leaving. This brings us to detachment.
Will the expression of detachment, boldly stated by one’s actions, lead to being left behind? I certainly can’t answer this with absolute assurance, but my experience, my interactions with others on many levels, my path of spiritual enlightenment, have led me to believe that people leave because they must. It’s not what we do or say that drives a person away. What one has needed to learn has been learned, and the time is right to move on.
This might seem to be a cold assessment, but I think that looking at this principle objectively allows us to see that there is usually no harm intended, not really, when one moves on. Our commitment to detachment allows us to let others go without our feeling so personally rejected. Our teachers are everywhere. Learning to say good-by, without rancor, is growth.
Detachment doesn’t push people away. It frees all of us. Let’s not forget that.
JULY 29 The most loving thing we can do is let another person be free; that’s detachment.
Buying flowers for a friend is certainly loving. So is buying lunch for a special occasion. Making a phone call or sending an email just to say hello is a sign of caring too. There are multiple ways of expressing love, many of which we utilize regularly. But letting someone go, to be free to do whatever he or she wants to do, which may be the hardest of all our expressions, is the clearest sign of love we can offer. It says, “I trust you to do what you need to do.”
It’s not easy to detach from the movements of others. Far too often we rely on their presence to complete us. But holding someone back from the experiences he or she may be ready for puts us in charge of another’s growth. It’s a behavior that will also come back to bite us if the person misses an opportunity that he has longed for. We simply must let people evolve as they desire. That doesn’t mean they might not get burned, but at least we are not holding the flame.
Detaching from the changes others may need to make may never be easy, at least not initially But it does get easier. And it does feel better than clinging to the object of our affection. We can’t have the life we need if we are too wrapped up in the life someone else needs. Letting them go accomplishes two things: it allows us and the other person to soar.
We may not realize that we also need to be free, but when we begin to experience it on a more regular basis we will realize what we had been missing. And we will not want to go back to the way things were before.
JULY 30 Detachment is practiced moment by moment.
It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise. It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it. We must be willing to make it, however.
If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always experienced. Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank god for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do. All theses steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
JULY 31 Accountability, ours and others; is the hallmark of detachment.
Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage. The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.
Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure. But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work of we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it. What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
