DETACHMENT
JUNE 1 Accountability, ours and others; is the hallmark of detachment.
Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage. The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.
Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure. But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work of we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it. What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
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Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
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JUNE 2 Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time.
I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason. I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me. I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming. Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
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To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to mange anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
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JUNE 3 Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers.
I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peach in the past. A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace. It takes at least two to have to have a conflict, remember.
It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet. I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental, our lessons aren’t, either. Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you?
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Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
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JUNE 4 Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make.
The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that didn’t cotton to having our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments. Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused. My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers, What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time.
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To begin with, I detach in the little ways that matter. In that way we can see what’s in store for us in the days ahead. We can begin today and notice how much better we feel.
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JUNE 5 Making the decision to detach from a loved one may well be the most important, as well as the kindest, gift we can give ourselves. Ever.
Most of us are quite aware when we are being loving to others and when we are withholding that love. We can feel it throughout our bodies. But are we as conscious of that expression of love toward ourselves? Perhaps not. And yet, with every breath we take, we are offering a whisper of self-love, or not, within the folds of that which we are expressing to others. There really is no separation between us and others. Initially this idea may not resonate with us, but it’s nonetheless true.
I lived in a mindset of “us and them” for much of my life. Our culture seems to breed this idea in us, particularly when we consider the advertising that bombards us. Never are we encouraged to see others as fellow travelers who are the mirrors we need in order to better understand ourselves. But we can choose to see in them who we are and then when we offer compassion or acceptance or the gift of understanding with detachment, we are “gifting” ourselves as well. What we give, we also receive. The circle is made complete, with or without our awareness.
Seeing detachment as a gift may seem unusual to you. At the most superficial level, detachment seems like we are cutting ourselves off from others. But this is not what detachment means. It means to release another to be whoever is calling him from within. Preventing someone from hearing their own inner voice means we won’t hear ours, either. Detachment releases both of us and that’s the primary reason to value it.
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Choose one person today and practice detaching from whatever he or she is doing. If only for a few minutes. See how it feels. Take time to write about the feelings, too. This may well encourage you to try it again tomorrow.
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JUNE 6 Detachment is a swift and sure way of expressing unconditional love.
Detachment may not seem like love, but it is. Being too involved in someone else’s life, whether for an hour, a day, or a lifetime, means we are loving ourselves far less than we deserve and not showing others the kind of respect they deserve. We are not crossing one another’s path to be in charge of them, but to complement them. The journey is intentional; what we learn is by design. What we are being invited to teach is byt design as well. One of the primary lessons for all of us is to respect the natural boundaries between us. This we do by detaching from the emotions, the behaviors, and the opinions of others. Hopefully, our example will serve to show them how it’s done, too.
Staying “on our side of the street” isn’t as hard as it first appears to be, but until we experience the behavior, we can’t know the relief it offers. From our shoulders down to our toes we actually realize a visceral freedom when we turn away from those convincing someone how this feels, but it must be tried to be appreciated and then sought again for its own reward.
Detachment, as an expression of unconditional love, is easier than we first might imagine. Remaining quiet when we want to speak is a good beginning. Offering a silent prayer rather than a suggestion is another. Removing ourselves from the setting entirely is also an obvious way to detach. But emotions may still be ensnared. Acting as if they aren’t is a great practice until the real thing comes along. But it will take time. Patience is a virtue.
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Our greatest gift to someone else is unconditional love. We all crave it; we all deserve it. Most of us have not experienced it very often. Let’s commit to breaking this cycle now. Detachment is one of the ways.
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JUNE 7 Learning to detach is a process. It moves faster for some than for others. But the pace is not important.
How quickly we learn to detach from either the chaos or the mean-spiritedness present in the lives of others isn’t nearly as important as the commitment we make to doing it. I have suggested before that it’s the incremental efforts that make the most difference. One quiet prayer, one passage of time without a comment, one experience of walking away from a potential conflict all add up to growth, the kind that convinces us of the benefit of this new way of seeing life.
Change seldom happens quickly. The totally unexpected moment of full spiritual enlightenment is experienced by very few. Tiny examples, generally perceived in retrospect, are what show us change has occurred. The same is true with detachment. We won’t even notice initially that we have changed because it’s so subtle. But then, we see. We see that we are no longer tied to the whims of others. We are no longer tied to the attacks of others. Or the dismissals, the grunts, or the frowns of others. We will suddenly see that God has helped us do what we had not before been able to do for ourselves.
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The fact that we want to change is what’s important. How quickly that change happens rests with God. Our part is to make the effort, daily.
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JUNE 8 Seeing God within our friends will help us to let them live their own lives without our control. Detachment can come in many ways.
Seeing God in others is certainly one way of getting free of the need to control them. We all have our partnerships, and although we partner up with one another as spouses, lovers, and friends, our primary partnership is always with God. That’s the One we can count on for guidance and for constant approval and acceptance. Getting any of these gifts from others can happen, but we can’t count on that with any certainty. In others words, letting others be in our lives but not of our lives is how we truly live detached and joyful lives.
I have said before that an easy way to detach is simply to walk away quietly, rather than to be engaged in an argument that is escalating. It’s also easy to simply smile and say, “Perhaps,” rather than taking a discussion any further. But the easiest way to detach, for some, is to seek the face of Christ in one’s friend. When this was first suggested to me, I scoffed. I had only ever seen His face in a picture. I am not sure even today that I really see His face in another, but I do see a light ad I do feel compelled to let things be, regardless of the chaos. It’s a change in perspective, and some call that a miracle. I will settle for the feeling I get, whatever it’s called.
Experiencing detachment in multiple ways is worth the effort. What works well for one may not work as well for someone else. But I have yet to meet a person who was not able to detach when he or she really wanted freedom.
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If freedom from the pain of others’ lives is what you seek, you have come to the right place. Any suggestion throughout this book will help you on your way. Willingness and tiny attempts are all it takes. God will help with the rest.
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JUNE 9 Detachment is a tool that can be practiced with and by everyone.
No one is immune from the effects of detachment. When we are learning to detach from the behavior of those we love, we get moments of relief between spells of doubt that what we are doing is the right thing. When we can see that others are detaching from us and our chaotic thinking, it actually helps us slow down. When we can’t engage others in our craziness, it begins to be diffused.
Everyone benefits from the practice of detachment. It could probably be proven that one’s health is improved as the result of detachment too. Taking a deep breath is good for all our cells and that’s the first step of detachment, after all. And when our friends and loved ones can see that we are no longer trapped by their chaos, they quiet down too. And if the struggle continues, we have many more steps we can take.
I have considered how valuable this tool could be if applied to world powers. Unfortunately, too many leaders feel that walking away is the coward’s way. Of course we might see that as a show of strength too, one that implies that it’s okay for you to have your opinion. I’ll keep mine. And we will peacefully coexist. People, individually, do it all the time. Just maybe it’s time to envision this on a broader scale and see what the results could be.
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Surrendering to the practice of detachment is a healthy choice for every one. Our example might be the only example another person is privy to today. Let’s not disappoint them.
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JUNE 10 Detaching from our companions does not mean discounting them, dismissing them, or rejecting them.
Keeping our focus on our own lives in no way means we don’t care about other people. Letting others be free of our focus is actually a gift to them. As a youngster, I seldom averted my eyes from others’ activities. I was obsessed with wondering what they were thinking about and if it related to me. Was I “okay?” Were they mad at times? Were they going to reprimand me or reject me? This obsession didn’t leave me until a few years after finding Al-Anon. The miracle is that it did leave.
I know that what happened for me can happen for anyone. I am certainly not special. What I did to help the process-and I learned this in the Twelve Step rooms-was to replace my thoughts of others with a vision of my Higher Power. I asked God for help many times a day to give me peace of mind and a different focus. And I asked to be more conscious of serving others, rather than always looking to be served.
When others detach from us, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. They are allowing us to grow. This valuable tool works well in the hands of all of us. We all grow in ways that are important to the entire human community when we free people to be who they have been born to be. Holding on keeps all of us stuck. Letting go frees everyone.
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No one wants to be rejected or to feel dismissed. We all want to know we matter. But being the center of someone’s life doesn’t mean love. It may mean dependence, and that holds everyone hostage.
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JUNE 11 Keeping it simple helps us detach from others.
Using “keep it simple” as a mantra throughout the day can offer so much relief. It’s a nice reminder that we are not the managers of the world. We are not the managers of others’ lives. Some even say that our own life is none of our business, either. Letting each and every life be God’s business is a choice we can make. It’s a wise choice, in fact. Our shoulders relax, our breathing slows down, and our mind gets quiet when we decide to just “keep it simple” and stop doing that which we need not do.
Being able to say, “Keep it simple” over and over is similar to repeating the Serenity Prayer. It fills our mind with a softness that invites us to change our focus from where it was. The first time I saw the wall poster with the words “keep it simple,” I couldn’t fathom what it actually meant and why it would be hanging on a recovery room wall. What did it have to do with my situation? And what was the “it” that it referred to? Finally, I heard others share, using the phrase in ways that showed me how they kept their focus on themselves and away from others’ business. I could see how much better they felt than I was feeling. And I wanted what they had.
Seeing others in action is what teaches all of us that we can act differently, too. Attraction rather than promotion is one of the principles of Twelve Step recovery, and I was definitely attracted to the peace and well-being that others had. Offering that to others, now, keeps me coming back.
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Keeping it simple makes every day easier, more productive, and quiet. Being an example of “Keeping it simple” keeps us away from managing those things that are not ours to manage. This may be our most important contribution today.
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JUNE 12 Detachment is how we release ourselves from responsibility for others.
Detaching from the activities of others may be an exercise of will, initially. In an almost mindless way, some of us simply hang on to those people in our midst, assuming they need our attention, our judgment, and our input on every detail of their lives.
Our perhaps we hang on because we aren’t sure who we are if they aren’t present. This was my struggle for decades. I needed another’s acknowledgment to know that I mattered. I feel embarrassed, at times, to look back to those days; then I remember that my struggle is why I can help others who have been sent my way that are struggling now in the same way. Everything we learn is recyclable. And this is as it should be.
Releasing ourselves from the companions we intentionally walk among does not mean we are relinquishing the friendships, the learning opportunities, or the growth. It only means we are allowing the kind of growth that needs to happen for all of us to unfold when the timing is right. Our attachments to others are not healthy, for any of us. And others aren’t ever present for that reason. Let’s not forget that.
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The work you and I have to do here may relate to those we walk with, but there will always be a line between my work and yours. Seeking to see the line is the best lesson of all on many days.
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JUNE 13 Perfecting detachment is a lifelong journey. But prayer will help.
I have often pondered what it might feel like to have perfected a skill like detachment on a first attempt. Or even on the one-hundredth attempt. And I have concluded that had that been my story, I might have quit showing up at the Twelve Step meetings where I was learning about this valuable skill. And it’s in those meetings that magic occurs. It’s in those meetings that hearts and minds and souls connect and all of us have a chance to change in ways that were unimaginable before. It’s in those meetings that God always makes an appearance.
Some days I have to pinch myself to realize that the life I have been blessed with is real. My life had been so far from what it has become that one explanation is all that fits: God was always doing for me what I could not do for myself, and didn’t even want to do for myself. I had charted a course that was self-centered, codependent in every way, and riddled with alcohol and drug escapades. And yet, I am here. Prayer played a major rold (during that troubled time, other people’s prayers) in getting me where I am and still does.
I did used to think that those who relied on prayer were weak. Now I know that my strength for handling any situation comes from the God of my understanding. Nothing I used to believe rings true anymore.
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Learning to detach is like breathing. Enjoy the process. It’s what being alive is all about. It’s why the other people are in your life. There’s no escaping the opportunities. But be grateful. Some of them are fleeting.
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JUNE 14 Detaching from others doesn’t preclude joining with them in a healthy way occasionally.
Detaching from others does not mean denying their presence. It’s not a negative action at all. It’s definitely not shunning those people who are in our lives. It’s much more akin to living in a positive place with others and keeping one’s focus where it really belongs: on ourselves. We never have to walk away and stay away from others unless we choose to do so. Detachment allows us to be friends, lovers, and companions. It’s simply a healthy way to be with all three groups.
The deeper purpose for sharing this journey with loved ones is the inner growth we experience when we intimately join with the minds and hearts of others. But the idea of joining with others is not an invitation to try to control what someone else might think or do. Joining with is not the opposite of detaching from. They are complementary. We can be lovingly detached in a way that supports being lovingly joined. In fact, that’s the real goal, and it’s a daily practice for most of us. The good news is that every little success we have makes it easier to apply the process the next day.
To lovingly detach means I love you unconditionally and trust you to make the next right decision. To lovingly join means I honor the steps you need to take and will accompany you if that’s your choice.
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What we are learning here takes time. We can’t be discouraged. There is no rush; the opportunities will continue. And they will wait for us.
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JUNE 15 Silence can be golden, and detachment is the method.
Being able to emotionally detach from chaos might be considered an art form. It certainly isn’’t an easy mind shift. It takes willingness, followed by determination, to be quiet in the midst of turmoil. And yet, no turmoil really has to capture us. We can observe it and move on. Perhaps we’ll make some quiet judgments, but they don’t have to be voiced, and we will find, in time, that even the quiet judgments fall away.
We can always adopt silence rather than agitation or interference or all-out battle. It’s an interesting realization, I think. It’s one that I fought accepting for far too many years, to my detriment and to the detriment of many of my relationships. I felt like I had to speak up, for myself and others. If not me, then who would do it?
There are so many quieter ways to live, aren’t there? The quiet way is not a sign of fear or being intimidated or having a lack of interest. It’s really a show of respect to ourselves and to others. Making the decision to choose the silent way of seeing today, in even one instance, is a good experiment. See how it feels. Not having to speak is quite exhilarating, actually. And making that a choice is even more pleasant.
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The way that choosing silence will make you feel will surprise you. I think it does not make you feel powerless but empowered. A wise choice.
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JUNE 16 Detachment is most likely a learned trait.
It’s certainly possible that someone reading this meditation already had the gift of letting others go from the time they became aware of those others all around them. But most of us had to develop the trait, which meant we had to first become willing to experience certain aspects of our life differently, to try new behaviors, to strengthen a relationship with a Higher Power, for instance. Seeing ourselves always in relationship to others wasn’t unusual, particularly as youngsters. But when the time came for us to separate, to feel whole while alone, fear was invoked and codependency reared it's very ugly head.
If that’s the struggle you are still having, you will be happy to know that there is a solution, the same solution that has been shared in so many of these essays. With your Higher Power’s help, seek to see your many companions as the members of your own specific classroom, not as your hostages. We are here to learn. We all showed up for that purpose. But we can’t learn unless we are willing to open our minds and see each other in a new way. Some refer to this as a shift in perspective, and then others call this shift a miracle. You will be transformed, either way.
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Making a different choice to see a companion as a teacher is quite a shift in how you perceive him or her. Take a moment to enjoy this idea and then apply it as soon as you can.
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JUNE 17 Asking a friend to witness our practice of detachment is an interesting and worthwhile opportunity-for both parties.
Having others “experience” our efforts by watching us when we attempt something as subtle as detachment is a rich and rewarding activity. Their attention honors us. They can offer feedback. They can seek to understand more about the process of detachment: how it feels, what’s to the gained, how to do it themselves. We learn by doing and also by imitating those who do. Detachment is one of those skills that seldom comes easy.
Even though detachment doesn’t come easy, it will be realized if it is your heart’s desire. Nothing that’s really of value is very easy to accomplish, is it? Getting a college degree, for instance, takes time, commitment, honest perseverance, and most of all, humility. Being able to detach is a very humbling experience, too. We will fail, many times. But the serious among us will try again and again. The number of times we fall is not so very important. What’s important is the number of times we get up and try again.
Inviting a friend in our life to hold out hope for us as we work on developing detachment may well be all the encouragement we need. And it’s a gift to that person, as well. Helping others insures that we will get back that which we need, too. What goes around, comes around, as they say.
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Setting the goal of detaching from a situation or person today, and inviting a friend to take note of our efforts, is a great exercise. Make a plan for this before the day begins.
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JUNE 18 Detachment is not a “one time only” solution.
I can’t think of a single skill that is mastered after only one attempt. Learning to walk and tie shoes and brush teeth take many attempts before success is obvious. And with so many of these skills, we don’t expect perfection immediately. Although we may want to be good golfers after only a few rounds or good tennis players after just a few sets, we don’t honestly think it’s possible. We do know that gradual progress is much is much more the norm.
Detachment falls into the same category. We have to do it over and over in order to get the feel of what it even means. It’s not a natural response to the people in our lives. We were born caretakers, hoping that this was reciprocal: we hoped that whatever we gave, we would also receive in return. But giving in order to get is not the way that giving was designed to work.
Detachment is about release-the release of all those other people we have been watching too closely, the release of our own emotions from having them too tightly tied to the behavior of others. Detachment can oly happen one moment at a time. It’s not a “one time only” solution that solves all problems. Every encounter with every person offers another opportunity to detach. With enough practice, we will get good at it. We got good at tying our shoes, didn’t we?
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Some believe that skills which take practice are more valued. If so, detachment will become one of our most prized skills. I know it has changed my life.
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JUNE 19 Detachment promises peace of mind. Does this make it God’s will?
We can’t be certain that detachment is God’s will, but I do think it’s safe to say that God wills peaceful minds for all of us. I know that having more peace in my life as the result of minding fewer people’s business feels wonderful. Living this way makes me happier, and I have no doubt that it makes the significant people in my life happier, too. But it takes a daily commitment to turn away when we’d rather get into the thick of someone else’s life. To reap the benefit of detachment, there is only one choice fo us to make, however.
Trying to determine whether or not detachment is God’s will for any one of us is irrelevant. I have come to believe that His will is the expression of love, and in my life there is no greater expression of love than to let my friends, my husband, and my colleagues take control of their own lives. This doesn’t have to mean that I don’t care what they do. I do care, but I don’t need to sound the alarm when I think they are making a wrong choice or an irresponsible decision. When asked, share. Otherwise, mum’s the word.
This may be a new way of seeing life for many who are sharing these meditations. I wasn’t born believing in the value of detachment. When first introduced to the term, I was baffled. Now it’s the most important skill I attempt to practice on a daily basis. It is what assures me of having peace of mind. Nothing else works.
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Having a peaceful mind is such a blessing. If this isn’t “where you live” very often, give detachment from the affairs of others a try. You won’t regret it.
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JUNE 20 Detachment is only one of many choices.
Our relationships with others have many characteristics. We may allow for differences in our viewpoints with some but not with others. We may more easily allow for more freedom to act in ways counter to our own way of thinking with some, too. With a few, perhaps, we hold the reins tightly, to no one’s advantage. The choices we have are myriad; some are more insightful and helpful than others to everyone present. Others are exasperating or stifling.
When we are selection among the many choices to find the one most beneficial to our situation, we have to sit back and consider the consequences. There will be some, there always are. But consequences are not always negative. One of the consequences of the practice of detachment is a quieter mind, and that’s good. Another consequence is the freedom our family members feel to be themselves. In the process, we feel the rush of relief run through our bodies, too. Again, that’s a good consequence. Just knowing that we are not responsible for others’ failures is freeing. Everyone is given power over their own actions when we practice detachment. Allowing others to be accountable for themselves is one of the best gifts we can ever give them.
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Preparing ourselves for this day ahead invites us to pause and seek God’s will. We will be guided regarding what to do, and if we can’t hear the message, let’s make sure our choices are beneficial to all.
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JUNE 21 Detachment, when practiced honestly, doesn’t allow criticism.
Wanting to criticize others seems natural, as though it is part of the human condition. It’s not. We have nearly made it so, but there are those men and women who don’t criticize others. My aunt Helen was one of them. Never did she speak ill of others. It was a marvelous, almost mystical quality. How did she do it? we all wondered. It wasn’t because her life was easy. On the contrary, she was widowed very young and had six children to raise right after the second world war. She did it without complaint and without holding others hostage with her criticism or her control. She lived her life with God as her primary partner after Leo was gone, and she knew peace.
Just having known Aunt Helen gives me the inspiration to believe that I too can give up criticism, that I too can know peace. Letting others be all that they need or want to be, without my input, is the easiest way to experience it. But I have to make detachment from all of them my primary mode of operation on a daily basis. On those days when I do, I am comfortably peaceful. I feel more rested, more certain that I am living God’s will. And on those days that I let another’s affairs become mine, I am in chaos. The insanity of letting the affairs of others become ours debilitates us. Most of us are works in progress.
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Doing anything for one day is possible. Giving up criticism is a great choice for this experiment. It’s a way of succeeding at two skills: detachment and nonjudgment.
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JUNE 22 Detachment first requires a new way of thinking.
Why, you might ask, does detachment require a new way of thinking? Certainly, I am not here to suggest that everyone alive needs a new way of thinking. But it’s my guess, since you were prompted to read these meditations, that detachment either has some appeal for you, has mystified you in the past, has defeated you previously, or has simply called out to you because of the turmoil in current relationships. No matter what the reason, detachment, as a means of moving through the day in all relationships, is guaranteed to reflect new thinking.
Very few of us knew, without some prompting, that we should consider a new way of thinking. We may have felt dissatisfied or confused or even major disappointment as the result of the behavior of others. But this didn’t necessarily inform us that we needed to consider anything differently in our lives - that is, until we simply couldn’t find peace in any experience. Then the message began to seep in: we needed to try a different approach.
This new way of thinking isn’t mysterious, really. It’s not complicated. It’s quiet. It’s easily chosen but not always easily practiced. But, as I said before, any new skill takes time, and this reversal of our thinking - what is quite completely a reversal in thinking for the typical codependent as a matter of fact - takes time. Beginning with the reminder, “Keep a quiet mind and say nothing,” we will develop the skill we need. It’s really rather pleasant once you get the hang of it.
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The old way of thinking was to hang on tight. Letting go is a big departure. It’s also life giving in such a rich way.
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JUNE 23 Detachment implies giving up control
Wanting to control some aspect, even some tiny little detail, of someone else’s life is such a common thread in the lives of most of us. We just can’t let go of control, or the illusion of it, and it is an illusion to think we can control someone else. Even the parent who withholds a bike or an allowance or a night out with friends can’t really be sure that the child’s behavior will change. For a day, perhaps, but for more? Not likely. Control is simply a fallacy. Our attempts to control other people will be no more successful than holding back the rain.
If we really could control others, our burdens would be heavy. Our work would never, ever, be finished. Why then do we think we want the power to control others? For years I pondered this. I think it’s because we think that if others do as we ask, it’s a sign of love, and love is what we fear losing most of all. When others give in to our way of thinking, it’s because they love us unconditionally-or so we tell ourselves. Only then can we rest and feel secure.
The fallacy of this runs so deep. Others doing our will has nothing to do with love. They simply may be tired of the battle. How much more serene our lives would be if we gave up the battle too. Deciding to detach is our invitation to live lives of ease. Someone else may not give up the battle, but let’s do it ourselves.
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To give up control is a peaceful decision. Everyone is blessed by it. But no one more than you.
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JUNE 24 Fear may keep us from detaching.
A parent at one of my meetings felt certain that if she let her son go, he’s dies. We tried to explain by sharing our own experience, strength, and hope that indeed, that might be the case, but that holding on would not prevent it, either. To detach one’s emotions, to give up the attempt to control makes one feel so vulnerable, so naked to chance, so irresponsible when a loved one is teetering on the edge. Detachment is not for the faint of heart.
Detaching is all that may save our loved ones, however. How does this work? If others are expecting us to pick up the many little pieces of a broken life, again and again, without applying any effort themselves, we will be undermining them to the point of annihilation. It won’t come quickly, but it will come. Our fear, in reality, could well be the nail in their coffin. Not a pleasant realization. The lament that “All I wanted to do was save them” is heard repeatedly at the funerals of loved ones. But finally, our best effort is to detach and allow our loved ones to seek their own path, fulfill their own journey, with the help of their own Higher Power. We are not that Power. Their choices are not ours to make or to even approve.
When our focus is on someone else, we need to refocus. Letting others find their own way is the most likely way that they will find a life worth living.
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We can practice refocusing as many times as is necessary today. It’s a good practice too. It will make tomorrow’s attempts even easier.
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JUNE 25 Unconditional love can be packaged in many ways. Detachment may not seem like one of them, but it is.
Before I sought help for my codependency, I wanted a show of affection from everyone. I wanted favorable attention to prove others had seen me and approved of my presence. I thought my self-worth depended on it. But I was disappointed again and again. The attention often wasn’t forthcoming. The affection was fleeting. My self-worth plummeted, but I didn’t give up. I was adamant about getting others to focus specifically on me, but seldom were my pleas honored. How grateful I am now that my intention wasn’t realized.
Perhaps that seems like an odd statement, but I have learned the value of discovering my own inner worth through my relationship to my Higher Power. And I believe that’s what your primary relationship should look like, too. The best gift that others gave to me was the gift to let me find my own way. Now the best gift I can give to others is to let them do the same.
It’s not a gift many of us appreciate when we first receive it. We can easily misinterpret it. But giving to our loved ones their lives to live, however they choose, is good for them and for us. It shows respect. It’s a way of saying, “You are worth so much more than what I can give you.” It takes a while for this to sink in, but it will. And then everything will be less difficult, for both parties. And our love will be stronger than ever.
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The love we give others should never have strings attached. Honoring the independence of a loved one is love, even when their choices worry us.
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JUNE 26 Saying “I can choose peace instead of this” is one way of embracing detachment.
Quietly refusing to get trapped in the business of others is a wise decision, one that will allow us to remain friends with them, if that’s our choice. So seldom do our friends or family members really want us to interfere. They may want to know what we would do if we were in their shoes, and delicately, we might answer that question. But usually it is far better to simply say, “My own experience has taught me…,” and then to elaborate.
There will be many opportunities everyday to murmur, “I can choose peace instead of this,” and it’s effective every time we use it. Every time! It prompts us to turn away, letting the turmoil go on without us. Even when it’s an argument we’d love to enter, we can opt to let it pass and to choose peace instead. This is one of the most exhilarating principles I have adopted in more than thirty-five years on a Twelve Step recovery path.
Taking a stand for peace in tiny arguments as well as in family chaos is adding to the peace that’s being registered around the world. That has made this choice even more appealing to me. Many times a day I get to practice sending forth a breath of peace that will be felt by others, and as more of us do this, I think a shift in the universe will finally occur. :)
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Consciously choosing to be peaceful isn’t always easy. In fact, inside we might feel agitated, at first. But acting as if you feel peace is a beginning. Give it a try today. Your attempt will be felt far and wide.
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JUNE 27 Not reacting to others is a demonstration of detachment.
The option to not react, particularly with certain people, is almost impossible to choose. It’s as though we are caught in a magnetic field with them, and before we know what’s hit us, we have spouted off. Then the fireworks begin. But must they?
That’s the point of this meditation! We can begin the practice of detachment with anything, with any person. The unfriendly cashier at the grocery store doesn’t have to get under our skin. The driver behind us who insists on honking when we can’t move forward can be “blessed” and let go, rather than allowing him rent-free space in our minds. Our spouses or children need not receive our wrath, ever. The choice to be quiet, to not react regardless of the seduction to do so, feels good, very good. And the more this becomes our practice, the less others will ever bother us.
I have heard it said that our best teachers are those people who cause us the most unease. I used to think that if I simply found a new relationship partner, my problems would be solved. Now I am grateful to be able to appreciate all that I have learned from all my difficult relationships. But what has made this possible is the practice of detachment, day in and day out.
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Before many breaths have been taken, an opportunity to detach will occur today. Remember that it’s a decision that gets made by hundreds of millions of people every day. Why not add your voice to this group?
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JUNE 28 Detachment does not mean disavowal of others.
Detachment sounds like disavowal, I know. But it’s nothing like that. It took me awhile to decipher the real meaning of detachment; so if that’s your struggle right now, you’re in good company. Anyone who has chosen to read this most likely has been more comfortable attaching to others, rather than trying to detach from them. Our security, or I should say my security, rested with having a significant partner committed to me. If he turned away from me or lost interest permanently, I was devastated.
Whether or not my many relationship partners were just practicing detachment or rejecting me outright, I’ll never know. I do know now, however, that whatever someone else does need not define me. I also know now that I can join with others in a healthy, spiritual way and not be attached to them.
Detaching means letting out own inner voice decide for us what to think and do, rather than letting the “outer voice” of someone else decide. It’s not very complicated to understand, really, but initially it’s fairly complicated to execute. It’s such a joy to know that we can join with people on this journey and not feel controlled by them. Their voices do not determine our actions, our value, or our mindset. That’s our privilege, and only ours.
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We are not denying the importance of others to our lives when we detach from them. We are only establishing the importance of our own lives.
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JUNE 29 Detachment from others is the opposite of being obsessed.
It’s not just people we get obsessed with. Alcohol, food, drugs, chocolate, to name just a few, are high on the list of things that people become obsessed with. But getting free of the obsession with certain people often helps to alleviate our obsession with other substances. Our concern here, however, is with people.
How do we get free of the need to control them? Why must we see their behavior as a reflection on us? Why must they change in order for us to feel adequate? The answer to all these questions is the same, really. Our security, once and for all, lies with no one but God and our relationship with Him. And we need not be obsessed with that relationship for it to give us peace. We need do little more than seek to know God better for the grace to come.
Obsession with anyone or anything kills one’s spirit. Nothing else can get our attention when we are in the throes of obsession. We can’t know the joys that are passing but if the image or the presence of someone else has dominated our thinking an our behavior. So much is being offered to us every day. Too much is being missed if we aren’t eagerly opening our minds every minute in anticipation of the new information the people, and the spiritual messages that are always there.
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Obsession doesn’t feel good. It’s noisy. It’s never peaceful and never fruitful. But there is another choice. Today can be the day to give the other choice a royal try.
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JUNE 30 Detachment reduces tension immediately.
Few of us want to be watched. We may want to be the object of someone’s loving attention, but that’s not the same as being spied on. We don’t want it and neither do the partners we may currently be spying on. But we get into the habit of spying when we are uncertain of our selves and even more uncertain of the activities of our loved ones. When we get caught in this cycle, it’s time to stand back, remind ourselves who our Higher Power is, remind ourselves who our loved one’s Higher Power is, and then go on about our own lives, lovingly detached.
The tension we so often feel around others, regardless of who they are, is generally the result of over involvement in their lives. We want to control their decisions so that they fit our needs; maybe we want to protect them from dangers that may well be necessary to their journey; or we want to create outcomes that favor our dreams. The list goes on, but the intent is the same.
When we are caught in this web of control, illusory though it may be, we quickly feel exhausted from the tension it causes in our shoulders, our foreheads, and throughout our bodies. There is only one way to find release: to detach, from the, their plans, their journeys, our own dreams of what their journeys should be. And this we can do. With practice we can even do it well.
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There is no better time or day to begin this practice. Your tension will quickly leave you. When it returns, you will know why. And you will know the solution.
JUNE 1 Accountability, ours and others; is the hallmark of detachment.
Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage. The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.
Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure. But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work of we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it. What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
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Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
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JUNE 2 Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time.
I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason. I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me. I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming. Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
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To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to mange anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
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JUNE 3 Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers.
I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peach in the past. A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace. It takes at least two to have to have a conflict, remember.
It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet. I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental, our lessons aren’t, either. Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you?
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Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
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JUNE 4 Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make.
The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that didn’t cotton to having our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments. Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused. My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers, What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time.
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To begin with, I detach in the little ways that matter. In that way we can see what’s in store for us in the days ahead. We can begin today and notice how much better we feel.
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JUNE 5 Making the decision to detach from a loved one may well be the most important, as well as the kindest, gift we can give ourselves. Ever.
Most of us are quite aware when we are being loving to others and when we are withholding that love. We can feel it throughout our bodies. But are we as conscious of that expression of love toward ourselves? Perhaps not. And yet, with every breath we take, we are offering a whisper of self-love, or not, within the folds of that which we are expressing to others. There really is no separation between us and others. Initially this idea may not resonate with us, but it’s nonetheless true.
I lived in a mindset of “us and them” for much of my life. Our culture seems to breed this idea in us, particularly when we consider the advertising that bombards us. Never are we encouraged to see others as fellow travelers who are the mirrors we need in order to better understand ourselves. But we can choose to see in them who we are and then when we offer compassion or acceptance or the gift of understanding with detachment, we are “gifting” ourselves as well. What we give, we also receive. The circle is made complete, with or without our awareness.
Seeing detachment as a gift may seem unusual to you. At the most superficial level, detachment seems like we are cutting ourselves off from others. But this is not what detachment means. It means to release another to be whoever is calling him from within. Preventing someone from hearing their own inner voice means we won’t hear ours, either. Detachment releases both of us and that’s the primary reason to value it.
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Choose one person today and practice detaching from whatever he or she is doing. If only for a few minutes. See how it feels. Take time to write about the feelings, too. This may well encourage you to try it again tomorrow.
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JUNE 6 Detachment is a swift and sure way of expressing unconditional love.
Detachment may not seem like love, but it is. Being too involved in someone else’s life, whether for an hour, a day, or a lifetime, means we are loving ourselves far less than we deserve and not showing others the kind of respect they deserve. We are not crossing one another’s path to be in charge of them, but to complement them. The journey is intentional; what we learn is by design. What we are being invited to teach is byt design as well. One of the primary lessons for all of us is to respect the natural boundaries between us. This we do by detaching from the emotions, the behaviors, and the opinions of others. Hopefully, our example will serve to show them how it’s done, too.
Staying “on our side of the street” isn’t as hard as it first appears to be, but until we experience the behavior, we can’t know the relief it offers. From our shoulders down to our toes we actually realize a visceral freedom when we turn away from those convincing someone how this feels, but it must be tried to be appreciated and then sought again for its own reward.
Detachment, as an expression of unconditional love, is easier than we first might imagine. Remaining quiet when we want to speak is a good beginning. Offering a silent prayer rather than a suggestion is another. Removing ourselves from the setting entirely is also an obvious way to detach. But emotions may still be ensnared. Acting as if they aren’t is a great practice until the real thing comes along. But it will take time. Patience is a virtue.
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Our greatest gift to someone else is unconditional love. We all crave it; we all deserve it. Most of us have not experienced it very often. Let’s commit to breaking this cycle now. Detachment is one of the ways.
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JUNE 7 Learning to detach is a process. It moves faster for some than for others. But the pace is not important.
How quickly we learn to detach from either the chaos or the mean-spiritedness present in the lives of others isn’t nearly as important as the commitment we make to doing it. I have suggested before that it’s the incremental efforts that make the most difference. One quiet prayer, one passage of time without a comment, one experience of walking away from a potential conflict all add up to growth, the kind that convinces us of the benefit of this new way of seeing life.
Change seldom happens quickly. The totally unexpected moment of full spiritual enlightenment is experienced by very few. Tiny examples, generally perceived in retrospect, are what show us change has occurred. The same is true with detachment. We won’t even notice initially that we have changed because it’s so subtle. But then, we see. We see that we are no longer tied to the whims of others. We are no longer tied to the attacks of others. Or the dismissals, the grunts, or the frowns of others. We will suddenly see that God has helped us do what we had not before been able to do for ourselves.
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The fact that we want to change is what’s important. How quickly that change happens rests with God. Our part is to make the effort, daily.
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JUNE 8 Seeing God within our friends will help us to let them live their own lives without our control. Detachment can come in many ways.
Seeing God in others is certainly one way of getting free of the need to control them. We all have our partnerships, and although we partner up with one another as spouses, lovers, and friends, our primary partnership is always with God. That’s the One we can count on for guidance and for constant approval and acceptance. Getting any of these gifts from others can happen, but we can’t count on that with any certainty. In others words, letting others be in our lives but not of our lives is how we truly live detached and joyful lives.
I have said before that an easy way to detach is simply to walk away quietly, rather than to be engaged in an argument that is escalating. It’s also easy to simply smile and say, “Perhaps,” rather than taking a discussion any further. But the easiest way to detach, for some, is to seek the face of Christ in one’s friend. When this was first suggested to me, I scoffed. I had only ever seen His face in a picture. I am not sure even today that I really see His face in another, but I do see a light ad I do feel compelled to let things be, regardless of the chaos. It’s a change in perspective, and some call that a miracle. I will settle for the feeling I get, whatever it’s called.
Experiencing detachment in multiple ways is worth the effort. What works well for one may not work as well for someone else. But I have yet to meet a person who was not able to detach when he or she really wanted freedom.
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If freedom from the pain of others’ lives is what you seek, you have come to the right place. Any suggestion throughout this book will help you on your way. Willingness and tiny attempts are all it takes. God will help with the rest.
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JUNE 9 Detachment is a tool that can be practiced with and by everyone.
No one is immune from the effects of detachment. When we are learning to detach from the behavior of those we love, we get moments of relief between spells of doubt that what we are doing is the right thing. When we can see that others are detaching from us and our chaotic thinking, it actually helps us slow down. When we can’t engage others in our craziness, it begins to be diffused.
Everyone benefits from the practice of detachment. It could probably be proven that one’s health is improved as the result of detachment too. Taking a deep breath is good for all our cells and that’s the first step of detachment, after all. And when our friends and loved ones can see that we are no longer trapped by their chaos, they quiet down too. And if the struggle continues, we have many more steps we can take.
I have considered how valuable this tool could be if applied to world powers. Unfortunately, too many leaders feel that walking away is the coward’s way. Of course we might see that as a show of strength too, one that implies that it’s okay for you to have your opinion. I’ll keep mine. And we will peacefully coexist. People, individually, do it all the time. Just maybe it’s time to envision this on a broader scale and see what the results could be.
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Surrendering to the practice of detachment is a healthy choice for every one. Our example might be the only example another person is privy to today. Let’s not disappoint them.
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JUNE 10 Detaching from our companions does not mean discounting them, dismissing them, or rejecting them.
Keeping our focus on our own lives in no way means we don’t care about other people. Letting others be free of our focus is actually a gift to them. As a youngster, I seldom averted my eyes from others’ activities. I was obsessed with wondering what they were thinking about and if it related to me. Was I “okay?” Were they mad at times? Were they going to reprimand me or reject me? This obsession didn’t leave me until a few years after finding Al-Anon. The miracle is that it did leave.
I know that what happened for me can happen for anyone. I am certainly not special. What I did to help the process-and I learned this in the Twelve Step rooms-was to replace my thoughts of others with a vision of my Higher Power. I asked God for help many times a day to give me peace of mind and a different focus. And I asked to be more conscious of serving others, rather than always looking to be served.
When others detach from us, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. They are allowing us to grow. This valuable tool works well in the hands of all of us. We all grow in ways that are important to the entire human community when we free people to be who they have been born to be. Holding on keeps all of us stuck. Letting go frees everyone.
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No one wants to be rejected or to feel dismissed. We all want to know we matter. But being the center of someone’s life doesn’t mean love. It may mean dependence, and that holds everyone hostage.
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JUNE 11 Keeping it simple helps us detach from others.
Using “keep it simple” as a mantra throughout the day can offer so much relief. It’s a nice reminder that we are not the managers of the world. We are not the managers of others’ lives. Some even say that our own life is none of our business, either. Letting each and every life be God’s business is a choice we can make. It’s a wise choice, in fact. Our shoulders relax, our breathing slows down, and our mind gets quiet when we decide to just “keep it simple” and stop doing that which we need not do.
Being able to say, “Keep it simple” over and over is similar to repeating the Serenity Prayer. It fills our mind with a softness that invites us to change our focus from where it was. The first time I saw the wall poster with the words “keep it simple,” I couldn’t fathom what it actually meant and why it would be hanging on a recovery room wall. What did it have to do with my situation? And what was the “it” that it referred to? Finally, I heard others share, using the phrase in ways that showed me how they kept their focus on themselves and away from others’ business. I could see how much better they felt than I was feeling. And I wanted what they had.
Seeing others in action is what teaches all of us that we can act differently, too. Attraction rather than promotion is one of the principles of Twelve Step recovery, and I was definitely attracted to the peace and well-being that others had. Offering that to others, now, keeps me coming back.
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Keeping it simple makes every day easier, more productive, and quiet. Being an example of “Keeping it simple” keeps us away from managing those things that are not ours to manage. This may be our most important contribution today.
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JUNE 12 Detachment is how we release ourselves from responsibility for others.
Detaching from the activities of others may be an exercise of will, initially. In an almost mindless way, some of us simply hang on to those people in our midst, assuming they need our attention, our judgment, and our input on every detail of their lives.
Our perhaps we hang on because we aren’t sure who we are if they aren’t present. This was my struggle for decades. I needed another’s acknowledgment to know that I mattered. I feel embarrassed, at times, to look back to those days; then I remember that my struggle is why I can help others who have been sent my way that are struggling now in the same way. Everything we learn is recyclable. And this is as it should be.
Releasing ourselves from the companions we intentionally walk among does not mean we are relinquishing the friendships, the learning opportunities, or the growth. It only means we are allowing the kind of growth that needs to happen for all of us to unfold when the timing is right. Our attachments to others are not healthy, for any of us. And others aren’t ever present for that reason. Let’s not forget that.
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The work you and I have to do here may relate to those we walk with, but there will always be a line between my work and yours. Seeking to see the line is the best lesson of all on many days.
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JUNE 13 Perfecting detachment is a lifelong journey. But prayer will help.
I have often pondered what it might feel like to have perfected a skill like detachment on a first attempt. Or even on the one-hundredth attempt. And I have concluded that had that been my story, I might have quit showing up at the Twelve Step meetings where I was learning about this valuable skill. And it’s in those meetings that magic occurs. It’s in those meetings that hearts and minds and souls connect and all of us have a chance to change in ways that were unimaginable before. It’s in those meetings that God always makes an appearance.
Some days I have to pinch myself to realize that the life I have been blessed with is real. My life had been so far from what it has become that one explanation is all that fits: God was always doing for me what I could not do for myself, and didn’t even want to do for myself. I had charted a course that was self-centered, codependent in every way, and riddled with alcohol and drug escapades. And yet, I am here. Prayer played a major rold (during that troubled time, other people’s prayers) in getting me where I am and still does.
I did used to think that those who relied on prayer were weak. Now I know that my strength for handling any situation comes from the God of my understanding. Nothing I used to believe rings true anymore.
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Learning to detach is like breathing. Enjoy the process. It’s what being alive is all about. It’s why the other people are in your life. There’s no escaping the opportunities. But be grateful. Some of them are fleeting.
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JUNE 14 Detaching from others doesn’t preclude joining with them in a healthy way occasionally.
Detaching from others does not mean denying their presence. It’s not a negative action at all. It’s definitely not shunning those people who are in our lives. It’s much more akin to living in a positive place with others and keeping one’s focus where it really belongs: on ourselves. We never have to walk away and stay away from others unless we choose to do so. Detachment allows us to be friends, lovers, and companions. It’s simply a healthy way to be with all three groups.
The deeper purpose for sharing this journey with loved ones is the inner growth we experience when we intimately join with the minds and hearts of others. But the idea of joining with others is not an invitation to try to control what someone else might think or do. Joining with is not the opposite of detaching from. They are complementary. We can be lovingly detached in a way that supports being lovingly joined. In fact, that’s the real goal, and it’s a daily practice for most of us. The good news is that every little success we have makes it easier to apply the process the next day.
To lovingly detach means I love you unconditionally and trust you to make the next right decision. To lovingly join means I honor the steps you need to take and will accompany you if that’s your choice.
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What we are learning here takes time. We can’t be discouraged. There is no rush; the opportunities will continue. And they will wait for us.
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JUNE 15 Silence can be golden, and detachment is the method.
Being able to emotionally detach from chaos might be considered an art form. It certainly isn’’t an easy mind shift. It takes willingness, followed by determination, to be quiet in the midst of turmoil. And yet, no turmoil really has to capture us. We can observe it and move on. Perhaps we’ll make some quiet judgments, but they don’t have to be voiced, and we will find, in time, that even the quiet judgments fall away.
We can always adopt silence rather than agitation or interference or all-out battle. It’s an interesting realization, I think. It’s one that I fought accepting for far too many years, to my detriment and to the detriment of many of my relationships. I felt like I had to speak up, for myself and others. If not me, then who would do it?
There are so many quieter ways to live, aren’t there? The quiet way is not a sign of fear or being intimidated or having a lack of interest. It’s really a show of respect to ourselves and to others. Making the decision to choose the silent way of seeing today, in even one instance, is a good experiment. See how it feels. Not having to speak is quite exhilarating, actually. And making that a choice is even more pleasant.
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The way that choosing silence will make you feel will surprise you. I think it does not make you feel powerless but empowered. A wise choice.
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JUNE 16 Detachment is most likely a learned trait.
It’s certainly possible that someone reading this meditation already had the gift of letting others go from the time they became aware of those others all around them. But most of us had to develop the trait, which meant we had to first become willing to experience certain aspects of our life differently, to try new behaviors, to strengthen a relationship with a Higher Power, for instance. Seeing ourselves always in relationship to others wasn’t unusual, particularly as youngsters. But when the time came for us to separate, to feel whole while alone, fear was invoked and codependency reared it's very ugly head.
If that’s the struggle you are still having, you will be happy to know that there is a solution, the same solution that has been shared in so many of these essays. With your Higher Power’s help, seek to see your many companions as the members of your own specific classroom, not as your hostages. We are here to learn. We all showed up for that purpose. But we can’t learn unless we are willing to open our minds and see each other in a new way. Some refer to this as a shift in perspective, and then others call this shift a miracle. You will be transformed, either way.
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Making a different choice to see a companion as a teacher is quite a shift in how you perceive him or her. Take a moment to enjoy this idea and then apply it as soon as you can.
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JUNE 17 Asking a friend to witness our practice of detachment is an interesting and worthwhile opportunity-for both parties.
Having others “experience” our efforts by watching us when we attempt something as subtle as detachment is a rich and rewarding activity. Their attention honors us. They can offer feedback. They can seek to understand more about the process of detachment: how it feels, what’s to the gained, how to do it themselves. We learn by doing and also by imitating those who do. Detachment is one of those skills that seldom comes easy.
Even though detachment doesn’t come easy, it will be realized if it is your heart’s desire. Nothing that’s really of value is very easy to accomplish, is it? Getting a college degree, for instance, takes time, commitment, honest perseverance, and most of all, humility. Being able to detach is a very humbling experience, too. We will fail, many times. But the serious among us will try again and again. The number of times we fall is not so very important. What’s important is the number of times we get up and try again.
Inviting a friend in our life to hold out hope for us as we work on developing detachment may well be all the encouragement we need. And it’s a gift to that person, as well. Helping others insures that we will get back that which we need, too. What goes around, comes around, as they say.
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Setting the goal of detaching from a situation or person today, and inviting a friend to take note of our efforts, is a great exercise. Make a plan for this before the day begins.
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JUNE 18 Detachment is not a “one time only” solution.
I can’t think of a single skill that is mastered after only one attempt. Learning to walk and tie shoes and brush teeth take many attempts before success is obvious. And with so many of these skills, we don’t expect perfection immediately. Although we may want to be good golfers after only a few rounds or good tennis players after just a few sets, we don’t honestly think it’s possible. We do know that gradual progress is much is much more the norm.
Detachment falls into the same category. We have to do it over and over in order to get the feel of what it even means. It’s not a natural response to the people in our lives. We were born caretakers, hoping that this was reciprocal: we hoped that whatever we gave, we would also receive in return. But giving in order to get is not the way that giving was designed to work.
Detachment is about release-the release of all those other people we have been watching too closely, the release of our own emotions from having them too tightly tied to the behavior of others. Detachment can oly happen one moment at a time. It’s not a “one time only” solution that solves all problems. Every encounter with every person offers another opportunity to detach. With enough practice, we will get good at it. We got good at tying our shoes, didn’t we?
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Some believe that skills which take practice are more valued. If so, detachment will become one of our most prized skills. I know it has changed my life.
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JUNE 19 Detachment promises peace of mind. Does this make it God’s will?
We can’t be certain that detachment is God’s will, but I do think it’s safe to say that God wills peaceful minds for all of us. I know that having more peace in my life as the result of minding fewer people’s business feels wonderful. Living this way makes me happier, and I have no doubt that it makes the significant people in my life happier, too. But it takes a daily commitment to turn away when we’d rather get into the thick of someone else’s life. To reap the benefit of detachment, there is only one choice fo us to make, however.
Trying to determine whether or not detachment is God’s will for any one of us is irrelevant. I have come to believe that His will is the expression of love, and in my life there is no greater expression of love than to let my friends, my husband, and my colleagues take control of their own lives. This doesn’t have to mean that I don’t care what they do. I do care, but I don’t need to sound the alarm when I think they are making a wrong choice or an irresponsible decision. When asked, share. Otherwise, mum’s the word.
This may be a new way of seeing life for many who are sharing these meditations. I wasn’t born believing in the value of detachment. When first introduced to the term, I was baffled. Now it’s the most important skill I attempt to practice on a daily basis. It is what assures me of having peace of mind. Nothing else works.
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Having a peaceful mind is such a blessing. If this isn’t “where you live” very often, give detachment from the affairs of others a try. You won’t regret it.
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JUNE 20 Detachment is only one of many choices.
Our relationships with others have many characteristics. We may allow for differences in our viewpoints with some but not with others. We may more easily allow for more freedom to act in ways counter to our own way of thinking with some, too. With a few, perhaps, we hold the reins tightly, to no one’s advantage. The choices we have are myriad; some are more insightful and helpful than others to everyone present. Others are exasperating or stifling.
When we are selection among the many choices to find the one most beneficial to our situation, we have to sit back and consider the consequences. There will be some, there always are. But consequences are not always negative. One of the consequences of the practice of detachment is a quieter mind, and that’s good. Another consequence is the freedom our family members feel to be themselves. In the process, we feel the rush of relief run through our bodies, too. Again, that’s a good consequence. Just knowing that we are not responsible for others’ failures is freeing. Everyone is given power over their own actions when we practice detachment. Allowing others to be accountable for themselves is one of the best gifts we can ever give them.
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Preparing ourselves for this day ahead invites us to pause and seek God’s will. We will be guided regarding what to do, and if we can’t hear the message, let’s make sure our choices are beneficial to all.
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JUNE 21 Detachment, when practiced honestly, doesn’t allow criticism.
Wanting to criticize others seems natural, as though it is part of the human condition. It’s not. We have nearly made it so, but there are those men and women who don’t criticize others. My aunt Helen was one of them. Never did she speak ill of others. It was a marvelous, almost mystical quality. How did she do it? we all wondered. It wasn’t because her life was easy. On the contrary, she was widowed very young and had six children to raise right after the second world war. She did it without complaint and without holding others hostage with her criticism or her control. She lived her life with God as her primary partner after Leo was gone, and she knew peace.
Just having known Aunt Helen gives me the inspiration to believe that I too can give up criticism, that I too can know peace. Letting others be all that they need or want to be, without my input, is the easiest way to experience it. But I have to make detachment from all of them my primary mode of operation on a daily basis. On those days when I do, I am comfortably peaceful. I feel more rested, more certain that I am living God’s will. And on those days that I let another’s affairs become mine, I am in chaos. The insanity of letting the affairs of others become ours debilitates us. Most of us are works in progress.
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Doing anything for one day is possible. Giving up criticism is a great choice for this experiment. It’s a way of succeeding at two skills: detachment and nonjudgment.
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JUNE 22 Detachment first requires a new way of thinking.
Why, you might ask, does detachment require a new way of thinking? Certainly, I am not here to suggest that everyone alive needs a new way of thinking. But it’s my guess, since you were prompted to read these meditations, that detachment either has some appeal for you, has mystified you in the past, has defeated you previously, or has simply called out to you because of the turmoil in current relationships. No matter what the reason, detachment, as a means of moving through the day in all relationships, is guaranteed to reflect new thinking.
Very few of us knew, without some prompting, that we should consider a new way of thinking. We may have felt dissatisfied or confused or even major disappointment as the result of the behavior of others. But this didn’t necessarily inform us that we needed to consider anything differently in our lives - that is, until we simply couldn’t find peace in any experience. Then the message began to seep in: we needed to try a different approach.
This new way of thinking isn’t mysterious, really. It’s not complicated. It’s quiet. It’s easily chosen but not always easily practiced. But, as I said before, any new skill takes time, and this reversal of our thinking - what is quite completely a reversal in thinking for the typical codependent as a matter of fact - takes time. Beginning with the reminder, “Keep a quiet mind and say nothing,” we will develop the skill we need. It’s really rather pleasant once you get the hang of it.
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The old way of thinking was to hang on tight. Letting go is a big departure. It’s also life giving in such a rich way.
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JUNE 23 Detachment implies giving up control
Wanting to control some aspect, even some tiny little detail, of someone else’s life is such a common thread in the lives of most of us. We just can’t let go of control, or the illusion of it, and it is an illusion to think we can control someone else. Even the parent who withholds a bike or an allowance or a night out with friends can’t really be sure that the child’s behavior will change. For a day, perhaps, but for more? Not likely. Control is simply a fallacy. Our attempts to control other people will be no more successful than holding back the rain.
If we really could control others, our burdens would be heavy. Our work would never, ever, be finished. Why then do we think we want the power to control others? For years I pondered this. I think it’s because we think that if others do as we ask, it’s a sign of love, and love is what we fear losing most of all. When others give in to our way of thinking, it’s because they love us unconditionally-or so we tell ourselves. Only then can we rest and feel secure.
The fallacy of this runs so deep. Others doing our will has nothing to do with love. They simply may be tired of the battle. How much more serene our lives would be if we gave up the battle too. Deciding to detach is our invitation to live lives of ease. Someone else may not give up the battle, but let’s do it ourselves.
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To give up control is a peaceful decision. Everyone is blessed by it. But no one more than you.
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JUNE 24 Fear may keep us from detaching.
A parent at one of my meetings felt certain that if she let her son go, he’s dies. We tried to explain by sharing our own experience, strength, and hope that indeed, that might be the case, but that holding on would not prevent it, either. To detach one’s emotions, to give up the attempt to control makes one feel so vulnerable, so naked to chance, so irresponsible when a loved one is teetering on the edge. Detachment is not for the faint of heart.
Detaching is all that may save our loved ones, however. How does this work? If others are expecting us to pick up the many little pieces of a broken life, again and again, without applying any effort themselves, we will be undermining them to the point of annihilation. It won’t come quickly, but it will come. Our fear, in reality, could well be the nail in their coffin. Not a pleasant realization. The lament that “All I wanted to do was save them” is heard repeatedly at the funerals of loved ones. But finally, our best effort is to detach and allow our loved ones to seek their own path, fulfill their own journey, with the help of their own Higher Power. We are not that Power. Their choices are not ours to make or to even approve.
When our focus is on someone else, we need to refocus. Letting others find their own way is the most likely way that they will find a life worth living.
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We can practice refocusing as many times as is necessary today. It’s a good practice too. It will make tomorrow’s attempts even easier.
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JUNE 25 Unconditional love can be packaged in many ways. Detachment may not seem like one of them, but it is.
Before I sought help for my codependency, I wanted a show of affection from everyone. I wanted favorable attention to prove others had seen me and approved of my presence. I thought my self-worth depended on it. But I was disappointed again and again. The attention often wasn’t forthcoming. The affection was fleeting. My self-worth plummeted, but I didn’t give up. I was adamant about getting others to focus specifically on me, but seldom were my pleas honored. How grateful I am now that my intention wasn’t realized.
Perhaps that seems like an odd statement, but I have learned the value of discovering my own inner worth through my relationship to my Higher Power. And I believe that’s what your primary relationship should look like, too. The best gift that others gave to me was the gift to let me find my own way. Now the best gift I can give to others is to let them do the same.
It’s not a gift many of us appreciate when we first receive it. We can easily misinterpret it. But giving to our loved ones their lives to live, however they choose, is good for them and for us. It shows respect. It’s a way of saying, “You are worth so much more than what I can give you.” It takes a while for this to sink in, but it will. And then everything will be less difficult, for both parties. And our love will be stronger than ever.
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The love we give others should never have strings attached. Honoring the independence of a loved one is love, even when their choices worry us.
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JUNE 26 Saying “I can choose peace instead of this” is one way of embracing detachment.
Quietly refusing to get trapped in the business of others is a wise decision, one that will allow us to remain friends with them, if that’s our choice. So seldom do our friends or family members really want us to interfere. They may want to know what we would do if we were in their shoes, and delicately, we might answer that question. But usually it is far better to simply say, “My own experience has taught me…,” and then to elaborate.
There will be many opportunities everyday to murmur, “I can choose peace instead of this,” and it’s effective every time we use it. Every time! It prompts us to turn away, letting the turmoil go on without us. Even when it’s an argument we’d love to enter, we can opt to let it pass and to choose peace instead. This is one of the most exhilarating principles I have adopted in more than thirty-five years on a Twelve Step recovery path.
Taking a stand for peace in tiny arguments as well as in family chaos is adding to the peace that’s being registered around the world. That has made this choice even more appealing to me. Many times a day I get to practice sending forth a breath of peace that will be felt by others, and as more of us do this, I think a shift in the universe will finally occur. :)
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Consciously choosing to be peaceful isn’t always easy. In fact, inside we might feel agitated, at first. But acting as if you feel peace is a beginning. Give it a try today. Your attempt will be felt far and wide.
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JUNE 27 Not reacting to others is a demonstration of detachment.
The option to not react, particularly with certain people, is almost impossible to choose. It’s as though we are caught in a magnetic field with them, and before we know what’s hit us, we have spouted off. Then the fireworks begin. But must they?
That’s the point of this meditation! We can begin the practice of detachment with anything, with any person. The unfriendly cashier at the grocery store doesn’t have to get under our skin. The driver behind us who insists on honking when we can’t move forward can be “blessed” and let go, rather than allowing him rent-free space in our minds. Our spouses or children need not receive our wrath, ever. The choice to be quiet, to not react regardless of the seduction to do so, feels good, very good. And the more this becomes our practice, the less others will ever bother us.
I have heard it said that our best teachers are those people who cause us the most unease. I used to think that if I simply found a new relationship partner, my problems would be solved. Now I am grateful to be able to appreciate all that I have learned from all my difficult relationships. But what has made this possible is the practice of detachment, day in and day out.
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Before many breaths have been taken, an opportunity to detach will occur today. Remember that it’s a decision that gets made by hundreds of millions of people every day. Why not add your voice to this group?
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JUNE 28 Detachment does not mean disavowal of others.
Detachment sounds like disavowal, I know. But it’s nothing like that. It took me awhile to decipher the real meaning of detachment; so if that’s your struggle right now, you’re in good company. Anyone who has chosen to read this most likely has been more comfortable attaching to others, rather than trying to detach from them. Our security, or I should say my security, rested with having a significant partner committed to me. If he turned away from me or lost interest permanently, I was devastated.
Whether or not my many relationship partners were just practicing detachment or rejecting me outright, I’ll never know. I do know now, however, that whatever someone else does need not define me. I also know now that I can join with others in a healthy, spiritual way and not be attached to them.
Detaching means letting out own inner voice decide for us what to think and do, rather than letting the “outer voice” of someone else decide. It’s not very complicated to understand, really, but initially it’s fairly complicated to execute. It’s such a joy to know that we can join with people on this journey and not feel controlled by them. Their voices do not determine our actions, our value, or our mindset. That’s our privilege, and only ours.
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We are not denying the importance of others to our lives when we detach from them. We are only establishing the importance of our own lives.
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JUNE 29 Detachment from others is the opposite of being obsessed.
It’s not just people we get obsessed with. Alcohol, food, drugs, chocolate, to name just a few, are high on the list of things that people become obsessed with. But getting free of the obsession with certain people often helps to alleviate our obsession with other substances. Our concern here, however, is with people.
How do we get free of the need to control them? Why must we see their behavior as a reflection on us? Why must they change in order for us to feel adequate? The answer to all these questions is the same, really. Our security, once and for all, lies with no one but God and our relationship with Him. And we need not be obsessed with that relationship for it to give us peace. We need do little more than seek to know God better for the grace to come.
Obsession with anyone or anything kills one’s spirit. Nothing else can get our attention when we are in the throes of obsession. We can’t know the joys that are passing but if the image or the presence of someone else has dominated our thinking an our behavior. So much is being offered to us every day. Too much is being missed if we aren’t eagerly opening our minds every minute in anticipation of the new information the people, and the spiritual messages that are always there.
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Obsession doesn’t feel good. It’s noisy. It’s never peaceful and never fruitful. But there is another choice. Today can be the day to give the other choice a royal try.
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JUNE 30 Detachment reduces tension immediately.
Few of us want to be watched. We may want to be the object of someone’s loving attention, but that’s not the same as being spied on. We don’t want it and neither do the partners we may currently be spying on. But we get into the habit of spying when we are uncertain of our selves and even more uncertain of the activities of our loved ones. When we get caught in this cycle, it’s time to stand back, remind ourselves who our Higher Power is, remind ourselves who our loved one’s Higher Power is, and then go on about our own lives, lovingly detached.
The tension we so often feel around others, regardless of who they are, is generally the result of over involvement in their lives. We want to control their decisions so that they fit our needs; maybe we want to protect them from dangers that may well be necessary to their journey; or we want to create outcomes that favor our dreams. The list goes on, but the intent is the same.
When we are caught in this web of control, illusory though it may be, we quickly feel exhausted from the tension it causes in our shoulders, our foreheads, and throughout our bodies. There is only one way to find release: to detach, from the, their plans, their journeys, our own dreams of what their journeys should be. And this we can do. With practice we can even do it well.
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There is no better time or day to begin this practice. Your tension will quickly leave you. When it returns, you will know why. And you will know the solution.
