DETACHMENT
MAR 1 Detachment is knowing that the mind can change if what you say to the mind changes. We simply are not able to hold more than one thought in our minds at a time. Whatever thought we harbor has been cultivated by none other than ourselves. That’s both the good and the bad news of our lives. Bo one has power over the good and the bad news of our lives. No one has power over how we think. Of course, that also means we can blame no one else for what we think! If we put good thoughts in our minds, we will express good thoughts to others. The reverse is just as powerfully true.
Being consumed with the actions of others, which can so easily happen to any of us, offers an excellent opportunity to take charge of our thinking. Letting someone else be the center of our mind, and thus of our life, means we don’t have a moment’s peace. It also means our own life is passing us by. It’s up to us to decide what we say to ourselves. It’s up to us to determine how we relate to every moment. It’s up to us to change our minds so that our lives can be different. It’s a simple equation: what we think is what we experience. If we want something different, only we can make that happen. Today can be the day to begin.
Detachment doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean ignoring someone, either. It means not letting our minds be controlled by the presence of others. That’s all.
MAR 2 Detachment is letting decisions that need to be made by others be only theirs. Letting those who journey with us make their own decisions is one of our most difficult lessons, I think. We too easily mistake our “being together” as the invitation to get overly involved in one another’s life. Journeying together is not about crossing over into one another’s space. In fact, it’s far more likely that it’s about the exact opposite-about learning to walk together but not on top of each other.
We can all remember times in our own past when someone else insisted that we handle a situation their way. Or we can remember from our childhood how it felt when we were reprimanded for trying to do something in our own way. Being trusted with making the decisions that directly determine the next steps of our life is a gift we all deserve to experience. Taking the opportunity away from others, even when we think we are doing right by them, isn’t the assignment that God has called us to do. Giving the decision to whomever it belongs to is freedom. We will only understand this when we practice it.
Perhaps we long to make decisions for everyone we love. But doing so is not the expression of love that our loved ones need. They need to be trusted to make their own decisions. Today is a good day to begin the process of trust.
MAR 3 Detachment is “keeping it simple”-staying out of situations that don’t directly involve you. I used to think the slogan “keep it simple” was ludicrous. I was a complicated woman, after all, with a very responsible job, a graduate degree, and a plan for my life that didn’t leave a lot of room for either error or slacking off. And I had a lot of people in my life that I was keeping track of. I thought keeping it simple was denying the realities of my very busy life. How wrong I was…..and how glad I am that I was wrong.
Keeping it simple can actually mean many things, depending on the interpreter. But one of the most powerful interpretations for me has been to walk away from situations and people that don’t directly involve me. My life is quite busy enough as it is. Freeing ourselves from the seduction of getting into other people’s business isn’t easy at first, not if we have had an obsession with doing that. But it can be done. Millions have done it. We can now be an example for others, too.
Minding my own business is a challenge and is exhilarating at the same time. It can become the best of all habits to form, one that will give me both more time and more friends.
MAR 4 Detachment is having your life be about you, not about other people. Being really close to another person, whether it’s a parent, a significant other, a friend, a sibling, or one of our children, feels so natural, doesn’t it? We want to be close to those we love. We want to help each other make decisions, do chores, plan for the future. Walking the path with someone who is in our life is the most natural of all actions. But walking beside someone, offering an opinion when asked for it, and being supportive when it’s truly an act of love is not the same as taking someone else’s “work” away from them. We all have specific “assignments” in this life. Not being allowed to do our own work prevents us from realizing the growth we are here to achieve.
When any one of us fails to fulfill that which we are here to do, many others will not get the opportunity to do what they are
here to do either. We are like puzzle pieces comprising a panoramic scene. Not filling in the space that’s been designated as ours means the picture isn’t complete. Our own life must be attended to if we are to be, and to give, all that we can to the circle of associates who are obviously part of our journey. Nothing is happening by chance. Those who are next to us on the path need our input perhaps, but little more.
The thrill of living our lives in concert with others is great indeed. But we must have the freedom to fulfill our part of the journey alone.
MAR 5 Detachment is living in our adult observer role Being a silent observer is an unfamiliar role for many of us. We too often assume that our input is desired, at times even required, only because we are present to a situation. Being told that our opinion isn’t necessary or even wanted can be interpreted as an affront. But we can choose to see this as different way: we can decide to enjoy the freedom this offers us. Not having to respond to the many experiences that we share with others is rather refreshing. It’s food for us and for our companions, too.
The idea of detachment doesn’t mean we don’t care what’s happening to others. Nor does it mean that what’s happening has no effect on us. It simply means that we don’t have to react to any situation. We can observe it, make a judgment about it and then choose a proper response if one is actually called fro or perhaps not respond at all. Practicing not responding is highly recommended if we want to grow in an important way. Making no response will become easier in time, and it sets a wonderful example for others, too.
Observing what’s going on around us without comment takes willingness and, on occasion, great strength, too. But detaching from others so they can do their own work is part of our work, too.
MAR 6 Detachment is not being dependent on others for good feelings. Reaching a state of well-being that isn’t reliant on anyone else’s actions is what we all hope for and what most of us strive for. Celebrating our worthiness, regardless of how others might be responding to us, isn’t a natural act. We seem to be far too dependent on others telling us that we are okay, either through words or deeds. The joy of experiencing a moment now and then, when we simply know we are fine regardless of what others are doing or saying is so much appreciated.
Being detached doesn’t mean we are oblivious to the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others. It just means that how we feel about ourselves isn’t controlled or even compromised by what others are doing. We are on parallel journeys, complementing one another but not determining the outcome for one another. Knowing that we don’t need someone else’s approval for us to do what feels right gives us the freedom and the permission to move forward in the ways we must if we are to fulfill our purpose here.
Detachment is the hallmark of a life being well lived. As long as we rely on anyone else for our good feelings, we can’t count on ever being wholly peaceful. And that’s no way to live.
MAR 7 Detachment is taking responsibility for our own life. Not blaming others for anything that has happened to us in this life is the mark of spiritual maturity. It’s also a goal that most of us have to spend years striving to attain. It’s not unusual to want to make others responsible for our failures or for our insufficiencies. Being told that the circumstances of our birth, the unloving parent or spouse, or the inability to master the educational system can’t be blamed aren’t easy pills for us to swallow. But until we say to ourselves and others, “I am wholly responsible for all that has occurred in my life,” we will not be able to move out of the prison we have built for ourselves.
Being fully responsible may feel daunting initially. But taking the responsibility in small bites makes it more digestible. Believing that we did the best we could with what was available is a good place to begin. This is also a good place to begin when we think of the supposed failings of our parents. They too did the best they could. Until we can come to terms with that, most of us won’t be very willing to take responsibility for what later followed in our own lives. A great analogy is to think of ourselves as toddlers trying to learn how to walk: we fall a lot. And that’s okay. Getting up again is what’s important.
Not looking to someone else to pick us up is the mark of maturity. We are on the path of emotional and spiritual maturity right now. Moving forward a step at a time is all that’s suggested.
MAR 8 Detachment means not being a victim anymore. Some say there are no victims, only volunteers. When I first heard that phrase, I was mystified. How could a person who suffered at the hands of another be considered a volunteer? But volunteers we are. Lest you misunderstand, I don’t want to suggest that there are no culprits in this world. But how we perceive those people who mistreat us is our choice. We can see those who are mean-spirited or worse as fearful, angry people who are looking for acceptance, even love, in the only way they know how. We don’t have to stay in their presence. Nor do we have to approve of their actions. But we can seek to understand them and move on.
We are moving along this path to master the lessons we have come here to learn, and those who travel with us, our compatriots as well as our adversaries, are fulfilling their designated roles too. That’s not easy to fathom if what we experience is unpleasant, but each of us is playing a part in the drama. To not take the actions of others as intentionally hurtful is the best of all lessons. Detaching from what we are experiencing is a possibility. Always.
What a glorious day today can be if I can remember that my experiences are part of my necessary learning curve.
MAR 9 Detachment is living one’s own life while letting friends and family live as they choose. Letting others live as they choose doesn’t sound that difficult, does it? At first glance, we’d probably say no, I can do that; what do I care what others are doing? But the fact of the matter is that most of us try, sometimes not very subtly, to control the actions of others. We too easily think we have a better idea about how to solve a problem. Or that we know what the preferred outcome should be. What we have forgotten perhaps is that everyone has his or her own specific agenda that has been given by one’s Higher Power. When we interfere, we prevent the growth that’s intended for our companions.
The more important reason for letting go of the lives of our companions is that we can’t do what we are here to do when we are overly focused on someone else’s journey. We travel together. And for that we can be very grateful. But we are running on parallel courses. What any one of us has as a plan for the day, the week, or one’s entire life may well be affected by that which a friend or family member is doing. But we must forge ahead regardless and let our companions completer their journeys, too.
Being on parallel courses gives each one of us courage and strength. Both not having to carry one another is the best of all blessings.
MAR 10 Detachment is never letting someone else control how we think, feel, or behave. Although I have already mentioned this earlier, it’s worth repeating: until I read John Powell’s little book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? in 1971, I had no idea how controlled I was by the very presence of others in my life, not only people I knew well but also complete strangers. If someone looked at me unfavorable or failed to look at me at all, I was consumed with doubt. Unless I was receiving nearly constant, positive attention, I felt invisible and unappreciated, certainly unloved. Being the center of everyone else’s life was what my ego demanded. But it never truly happened, fortunately.
When we are the center of anyone else’s life (and only someone who is very insecure would want to control us in this way), it restricts our every movement. We don’t have a life of our own when we have abdicated responsibility for ourselves, all our dreams and aspirations, all our decisions and actions, to others. It’s crucial that we savor the awareness that what we are here to do complements what others are here to do, too. But none of us are here to do for others what they need to be doing for themselves. This can’t be overstated. Being detached, being in charge solely of one’s self is life’s assignment.
It’s not always easy to turn away from the demands or cajoling of others. But what we may need to do is our decision, in the final analysis. Let’s stick with that.
MAR 11 Detachment is letting go of fear over other’s behavior. Throughout my own life there were so many ways to feel fear about what others were doing. Growing up, I was afraid of potential violence in my home. I was afraid of my dad’s anger. I was afraid my best friends were going to reject me every time a new student moved to our school. I was afraid of not being picked to play kickball after school. I was afraid I would remain uninvited to a birthday party. Then when boys entered the picture, I was certain no one would want me as a girlfriend or later, as a wife.
The overwhelming sense of fear shadowed me throughout the first three decades of my life. Until I was introduce to the concept that I had a Higher Power who traveled with me and who always “picked me” as worthy, I fought the urge to hang on to
whoever wandered close by. Hanging on to others, in the way I did, suffocated many potential friendships. I really never believe it was possible to be free of the fear that crippled me. But I am. No longer do I look to others for my self-worth. No longer am I afraid. Period. What changed? I developed the willingness to believe that life gives us the journey we were meant to have and that we aren’t alone on this trip. And this willingness is available to all of us.
What anyone else is doing doesn’t determine who we are or what we are worth. That’s an awareness that makes all the difference in the world to people who doubt.
MAR 12 Detachment is freedom from relying on others to complete our lives. Having others in our lives to complement our journey is a gift we all deserve. But being dependent on their presence in order to feel secure is not healthy. Nor is being so independent that we want no one else to share our path with us. Being interdependent is the best of all possible choices.
Joining with others, wherever they are, is an easy way to make a contribution toward the peace that’s so often missing in families and communities everywhere. But joining with someone is not the same as denying who we are in order to fit in or to be valued. Joining with another is about giving up the idea that we should compare ourselves or compete with each other. It’s about saying, “We are one” - interconnected, rather than separate. It’s an act of love. It’s not possession. When we join, everyone remains free. And valued. We simply don’t have to share every opinion.
Our lives are complemented by others but not completed by them. For this we can be very thankful. It allows us to be who we are meant to be.
MAR 13 Detachment, when fully expressed, promises peacefulness. To be peaceful means not letting anyone else’s behavior control how we feel about them, about ourselves, about the moment, or about the situation at hand. In other words, being totally free of any external influence is the only thing that can guarantee sustainable peace. We do have that option; we seldom exercise it, however. Far more often we let the mood swings or actions of others determine our own moods and behaviors. What a refreshing idea to know that we have made that choice. It’s not required! We can make another choice.
Detachment, fully expressed, may seem a bit extreme. But like the ever-so-common phrase “You can’t be a little bit pregnant,” you can’t be a little bit detached. We are either our own person or we are not. To be fully detached doesn’t mean ignoring the others on our path, nor does it mean being unkind. But it does mean we make our own decisions regardless of the opinions and plans of others. Peace is the gift that’s realized when we decide who we will be and then be it.
Isn’t peace what we all want? There is a guaranteed way to get it: detach. When others are in our circle, we make sure that we stay within our own choices. We do it lovingly so all will benefit.
MAR 14 Detachment is a gift that we receive from our relationships well lived. Having relationships doesn’t always ensure that we enjoy them. Many of us have experienced relationships that were ill-conceived from the start. Sometimes we go into a relationship simply because it was convenient or, as in my case, because it seemed better than being alone. But relationship that isn’t based on mutual values or on the willingness to respect our differences isn’t destined to fulfill our yearnings, not for long anyway.
There’s another element that contributes to a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial if the relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is the sum of more than the two parts. This is where the concept of detachment enters. Not being afraid to let our relationship partner live his or her life, trusting that their choices don’t have to mimic ours for us to be compatible, is a sign of strength and health. It’s also the necessary sign that we are trusting God to be in charge of the journey we each need to make.
GOD never detaches from us. That’s the spiritual axiom that allows us to detach from all others with the faith that whomever we need to journey with will come to us.
MAR 15 Detachment from others is necessary to fully enjoy attachment to God. If our focus is obsessively on someone else, we simply cannot be present to the people and the lessons with them that God has planned for us. Our journey is quite
Intentional. And pay attention we must. Actually, that’s a relief, isn’t it? It means we don’t have to let the actions of others take over our minds. We don’t have to let their opinions, their outbursts, their sulking, or their silence define us in any way. Letting them be gives us the opportunity we need to connect to God with the fullness of our hearts. Learning to journey with others is the paramount lesson for many of us.
In our attachment to God we are helped to clearly understand the work we have been born to fulfill. Each one of us is unique and able to perform our specific tasks as no one else can. And in order for every task to b e completed, it takes every one of us to do our part. We can be supportive of one another. We should be, in fact. But we must let the completion of the details be handled by the person assigned to them.
There is such joy in feeling attached to God. It means there is no fear. We will not doubt our worth. We will know that we have a purpose, and we will know how to fulfill it because God will supply all the information we need.
MAR 16 Detachment is knowing that others’ criticisms are about them. I grew up in a household where criticism was common, far more common that praise, in fact. I don’t think it was that my parents didn’t love me or my siblings, but rather, they didn’t feel satisfied with themselves, and that made it quite difficult to be satisfied with anyone else, either. So I think their being critical of others became a habit. I observed them being critical of their siblings, as well as of their neighbors. In fact they seldom praised others at all.
I look back on those years with an understanding that I wasn’t capable of then. And a sadness that my parents didn’t feel okay about who they were, which in turn made them unable to see the good in others.
People who truly know God don’t criticize. Even when they observe a behavior that concerns them, they are far more likely to say a silent prayer. They seem to instinctively know that their purpose in another’s life is to offer love and support, and forgiveness, should that be called for. We are never called to be critics of one another. Way-shower, yes, but never critics.
Being criticized by others need not affect how we feel about ourselves. And it won’t the more we practice detachment.
MAR 17 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible. Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice.
Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
MAR 18 Attachment to anyone other than God imprisons us. For the first three decades of my life, I reveled in being “necessary,” or so I thought, to someone else’s life. If that someone was happy, so was I. If he or she was sad, I tried to make them feel better. If they were angry, I was certain I had done something wrong. My every mood was controlled by the feedback I received, either verbal or nonverbal, from them. My growth was stunted, and I didn’t even know it.
It wasn’t until I got involved in Twelve Step recovery that I discovered there were other ways to experience one’s life. Coming to appreciate that we are on shared journeys, not the same journey, has taught me many things. I have learned that what someone else sees is not what I need to see, that what he or she thinks need not be what I think. That how anyone else behaves doesn’t have to chart my course too. We are complementary to each other. We are not empowered to be in charge of one another.
Being imprisoned by our attachments to other people in our lives keeps us from living the journey we are here to enjoy. It’s up to us to release ourselves. 5
MAR 19 Detachment is not letting the mood swings of others determine your own mood. In the early 1970’s, I read a passage in a book by a popular Jesuit priest that rocked my world. I realized then that my life had always been a reflection of how others responded to me. If their response was loving, I felt secure. If they seemed distant, I felt rejected. If their interests or activities didn’t include me, I could only interpret this as abandonment. I needed to be the center of any loved one’s life, and when that wasn’t the case, which was frequent, I was an emotional basket case. My life depended on others’ inclusion of me in their every waking moment. Needless to say, I had no real life.
Letting someone else’s behavior control our behavior negates our freedom of choice. It means we fail to experience the gifts of happiness and empowerment that come with making our own decisions. We can’t fulfill the assignment that is solely ours if we are at the mercy of someone else’s behavior, even part of the time. And if we aren’t doing that which we were born to do, we also slow down the progress of those who travel with us.
We are part of an orchestra, you and me. We each have a song, a tune, to play. Yours isn’t mine, and vice versa. Being in charge of our own notes is the ultimate lesson for each one of us.
MAR 20 Detachment is practicing the awareness that changing our thoughts can produce changed feelings. We can change our minds, and the experiences in our life will reflect the change. For instance, try this experiment. The next time you are impatiently standing in line at the grocery store, say to yourself, “Everyone in front of me is here by divine appointment and needs my blessing.” Then notice how differently you feel inside. Notice how others begin to soften their gaze, too. If you see no change the first time you try this try it again. It works. When we change how we see others in our world, they do seem to change as well. They will begin to match our picture of them.
Coming to appreciate that we are not powerless over what we nurture in our minds, that we are, in fact in charge of our thoughts, gives us the hope and the promise that we can feel however we want to feel. We can be as happy, as hopeful, or as miserable as we want to be. No thought can hold us hostage. No feeling can hold us hostage. No person can hold us hostage. We are as free as we want to be. This gives us all the ammunition we will ever need to know that all is well. Always, all is well.
Thoughts and feelings are intertwined. The good news is that each one of us is in charge of how we feel because of what we think. Our present is up to us.
MAR 21 Detachment is knowing that happiness is the by-product of how we live our lives, not how others are living theirs. Allowing others to be glad or sad, and knowing it doesn’t relate to us, is real freedom. But coming to understand this way of life takes time, a willingness to believe in this as a possibility, and then perseverance. Few develop this awareness instantaneously. But whenever we accept this as a path for living, it becomes the first day of real freedom that we’ll ever experience.
Tying our happiness to anyone else means we probably also tie our sadness or confusion or depression to them, too. And many of us do live this way, or did. I have to admit this was my path for many years. Whatever anyone else said or did, however anyone else felt, was what determined my emotions. It’s a bit embarrassing to say that I lived this way into my late thirties. And if I had not been introduced to a Twelve Step program then, I might still be tying my star to someone else’s dream………..or nightmare. My path was not unusual. I know many others who struggled with the same issue; some still do. Our culture encourages it. But we can live differently. I know, because I do now.
Happiness, as Abe Lincoln said, comes when we make up our minds to be happy. What freedom and joy this ensures. It allows us to model happiness for others, too.
MAR 22 Detachment is not needing attention from others to feel okay. It’s a common desire, for many of us, to want others to notice us, particularly when we are in the spotlight for a particular reason. Being listened to at home and by friends is important too. But that’s not the crux of this principle. It’s about getting comfortable enough with who we are to feel okay wherever we are, with or without the attention of others. Up to a certain age, many children seem to naturally have this confidence. And then they often lose it; some never regain it. But those who seek to understand themselves as well as others can generally reclaim it in time. Not needing attention from others is far different than not wanting someone’s attention. Being dependent on getting someone’s attention holds us hostage to every relationship and situation we find ourselves in. It doesn’t allow us to work an equal partnership with others. It doesn’t free us to be who we are in the moment. We will be on guard to be who we think we need to be in order to stay in the good graces of our “captor.” We are not really living when that’s our path.
Checking our motives for our actions is very important. Are we doing what is in our hearts? Or are we doing what we think we need to do in order to get positive attention from others?
MAR 23 Detachment is being able to care deeply about a situation or another person from an objective point of view. There is a difference, a rather significant one, between caring for someone or some situation subjectively as opposed to objectively. From a subjective point of view, we are overly involved or influenced by someone’s personality, perhaps, or by their response to us. Or maybe it’s a cause that has caught our attention to the point of obsession. Not letting our emotions get out of balance for any reason allows us to offer what we really need to in every experience that touches us.
Being objective doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, it means that we will likely care, or not, for the correct, perhaps more rational, reasons. It often means our response can be trusted to have been freely offered, not coerced. It means we aren’t being unduly pressured to be for or against a person, an opinion, or a situation. Being able to stay detached when much of the world is trying to claim our adherence to a particular perspective is freedom at its best.
Not being unduly influenced to be for or against a person or a situation gives us the breathing room we need to make up our own minds. Detachment, in this regard, lets us change an opinion at our own pace.
MAR 24 Detachment is not creating or preventing a crisis when it’s clearly not our business to be involved. Stepping away from a situation or another person’s experiences when we aren’t directly involved may seem unkind initially, especially if the person involved is a loved one. But whatever is happening in his or her life is for them to sort out, not us. Perhaps it’s acceptable to offer a suggestion, if asked, but if we get involved where and when we shouldn’t we will short-circuit the journey that needs to be made by them.
There’s an occasional situation in which a child is faced with a dilemma, and in that instance, we may need to be involved; but even then, we have to appreciate that the child’s journey is his, not ours. We can offer guidance, and probably should, but the outcome of the situation is between him and God. We are not, in the final analysis, part of the mix. And if a crisis occurs anywhere, unless we are part of the problem, it is not ours to fix.
Recognizing our limitations when it comes to the experiences of others can be troubling initially. But we will see this as freedom if we are willing to believe that God’s plan for us is to live our own life, not someone else’s.
MAR 25 Detachment is letting others have their own opinions. My family of origin didn’t allow for differing opinions. My father insisted that we agree with him, or all hell broke loose. Whether the topic was politics or music, his opinion was the only right one and having one that ran counter to it was evidence of insubordination. I locked horns with him for years. I felt compelled to disagree, on my own behalf and on behalf of my mom and younger brother, too. My older sisters seldom got involved in “the dance” he and I did……………..a dance that continued long after I left home.
I grew into adult hood steeped in this pattern of behavior, a pattern that didn’t allow much room for discussion with anyone. I had to be right, just as my dad had had to be right. It wasn’t until my own recovery from drugs and alcohol that I understood what the need to be right was about. Fear was the root cause for my dad’s attempts to control how others thought. Fear prompted my own, too. Now I know there is nothing to fear. We come together by design. We learn by design. We let go, we detach, by design too, and peace blossoms within.
Letting go of someone else’s journey is the most freeing experience we can have today. And it’s by far the best gift we can offer someone, too.
MAR 26 Detachment is being able to let others journey wherever they need to go. It’s not uncommon to assume that since we are generally in the company of family and friends, that our journeys must be similar. But what any one of us is here to learn is quite specific. The reason we are journeying side by side is that we need each other for support and suggestions; there is a difference, however, between sharing what has worked for us and trying to control how someone else should live his or her life.
Being able to detach from our loved ones is seldom easy. It doesn’t feel natural. In fact, it more commonly feels unsympathetic and self-centered. But that’s the value of practice. We learned our math tables by practicing them. We learn how to be skillful at golf or tennis or bridge through many hours of practice. In fact, Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers: the Story of Success, says that the key to success in any field requires practicing for it for ten thousand hours. Detaching is a skill too, and we can hone it if we are willing to work at it. The payoff is that our companions learn how to take responsibility for themselves and then rely on God, and we learn how to focus on the only journey over which we have any real control: our own!
Watching our loved ones move through their experiences, and praying for them if the need arises, is our assignment, little else.
MAR 27 Detachment is knowing that you are not God. Ernest Kurtz wrote a book, published in 1979 and later expanded and republished in 1991, titled Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember thinking it was a strange title. I didn’t see how my attempts to control the outcomes to my life or the life of a loved one was playing God. I was just trying to be helpful. Admitting that I had no control was too frightening. Others might leave me if I didn’t try to control their movements. My future plans might not materialize if I wasn’t in control of them, or so I thought back then. Letting go of any person or situation, allowing the future to unfold as it might, was simply unfathomable.
The wisdom to let go, to detach from all behaviors or situations except those that directly involve us, exemplifies freedom. But many of us don’t seek freedom. We want enmeshment. We feel more comfortable in the throes of the chaos of someone else’s life. And until we have experienced freedom from that kind of attachment, and the joy it offers, we will continue to search for the person who will allow us to choose his or her life to live, rather than live our own.
Giving up control may be the scariest thing we will ever do. And also the most rewarding. There is only one God, and we are not Him.
MAR 28 Detachment is no longer succumbing to the suggestions of others when they are not right for us. Being a people pleaser can cause us grief in myriad areas. For one, we can find ourselves knee-deep in the affairs of others far too often by getting talked into participating in experiences that don’t honestly appeal to us. We might agree to help a friend (because we feel we must) when we really don’t have the time, the money, the interest, or the energy. And every time we give a little bit of ourselves away in any of these ways, we lose the freedom and the time to devote ourselves to those special tasks that have been designated as ours while here in this life.
It’s not easy to say no when asked to do something. It’s not easy to decline a suggestion about how to handle a problem when a friend is offering it in kindness. But we must learn to read ourselves and listen to the Holy Spirit. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Others are on our path for a reason, that’s true. But doing someone else’s will is not why they are there. Saying no thank you may well be the biggest lesson and the most frequent opportunity we will experience every day.
The times when we can say no, in a kind way, rather than saying yes and then resenting it, will occur, on a daily basis. This can make the next twenty-four hours rather interesting, too.
MAR 29 Detachment is being able to walk away from situations that are not helpful to us. I have practiced this very suggestion tens of thousands of times in the last thirty years. That’s why I know it’s possible. I won’t pretend that it was easy the first few hundred times, however. I often had to force myself to leave a room or an argument of sometimes even a relationship. Too often I felt that just one more word from me would convince the other person that I was right. My inability to walk away escalated many disagreements. Frankly, I don’t think I even realized I had a choice to do it differently. What glory there is in knowing that that’s not the case. And in having the willingness to practice it.
Detaching from situations that are not helpful is one way every one of us reading this could add more free time to the day. Detaching from situations that are not helpful is a sure way of allowing for greater peace in our lives, too. But even more important, every time we choose this peaceful path, we add to the peace that’s felt around the world. One peaceful act is always multiplied many times over.
Throughout the day we will confront many experiences that are best ignored or forgiven. The question is, can we? Every time we make the better choice for our peace of mind, we are making it for the peace of mind of millions of others, too.
MAR 30 Detachment is knowing that your life is God’s business, not yours. Accepting that my life was God’s business - and not my own - initially confused me. I didn’t doubt that God played a part in my life. I believed that God had a part in everyone’s life, in fact. But I was sure that my part was bigger than God’s that I had to create my life and that all the experiences that came calling were because of my actions. Listening to the inner voice and then doing the next right thing hardly seemed like a big enough part to be playing.
Giving God control over our lives doesn’t mean we no longer need to take responsibility for our actions. Instead, it means that what comes our way is meant for our growth and has been quite specifically sent, and that we do have a partner who will help us make whatever decision we need to make. We are not alone, not now or ever. God is present and is sending us the lessons that are ours to learn in concert with His divine plan that includes all of us.
Responding in a loving, accepting way to the experiences that are sent to us is all that’s expected of us. We don’t have to fret over anything. We need not wonder what our next assignment should be. It will come calling.
MAR 31 Detachment is knowing what is not your business, This is a simple principle, really. What it comes down to is this: nothing is our business that doesn’t directly involve us. Our family members need to do their own “work”; our friends do, too. The strangers whose paths we cross are there intentionally, that’s a given. But that doesn’t mean their lives are ours to control. Our journeys are intersections for what each one of us needs to learn, and on many occasions, the lesson is simply this: mind your own business.
Minding our own business is not an unloving act. It doesn’t preclude listening to a friend. Nor does it mean we can’t share our own experience, strength, and hope if asked to do so. Minding our own business frees us to live our own lives. But even more important, it frees our fellow travelers to make their own discoveries and learn how to listen to their own inner guide. Once we get the feel of minding our own business, we realize bow much more peaceful life can be.
If peace is what we long for, there is one sure way to get it: we mind our own business.
MAR 1 Detachment is knowing that the mind can change if what you say to the mind changes. We simply are not able to hold more than one thought in our minds at a time. Whatever thought we harbor has been cultivated by none other than ourselves. That’s both the good and the bad news of our lives. Bo one has power over the good and the bad news of our lives. No one has power over how we think. Of course, that also means we can blame no one else for what we think! If we put good thoughts in our minds, we will express good thoughts to others. The reverse is just as powerfully true.
Being consumed with the actions of others, which can so easily happen to any of us, offers an excellent opportunity to take charge of our thinking. Letting someone else be the center of our mind, and thus of our life, means we don’t have a moment’s peace. It also means our own life is passing us by. It’s up to us to decide what we say to ourselves. It’s up to us to determine how we relate to every moment. It’s up to us to change our minds so that our lives can be different. It’s a simple equation: what we think is what we experience. If we want something different, only we can make that happen. Today can be the day to begin.
Detachment doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean ignoring someone, either. It means not letting our minds be controlled by the presence of others. That’s all.
MAR 2 Detachment is letting decisions that need to be made by others be only theirs. Letting those who journey with us make their own decisions is one of our most difficult lessons, I think. We too easily mistake our “being together” as the invitation to get overly involved in one another’s life. Journeying together is not about crossing over into one another’s space. In fact, it’s far more likely that it’s about the exact opposite-about learning to walk together but not on top of each other.
We can all remember times in our own past when someone else insisted that we handle a situation their way. Or we can remember from our childhood how it felt when we were reprimanded for trying to do something in our own way. Being trusted with making the decisions that directly determine the next steps of our life is a gift we all deserve to experience. Taking the opportunity away from others, even when we think we are doing right by them, isn’t the assignment that God has called us to do. Giving the decision to whomever it belongs to is freedom. We will only understand this when we practice it.
Perhaps we long to make decisions for everyone we love. But doing so is not the expression of love that our loved ones need. They need to be trusted to make their own decisions. Today is a good day to begin the process of trust.
MAR 3 Detachment is “keeping it simple”-staying out of situations that don’t directly involve you. I used to think the slogan “keep it simple” was ludicrous. I was a complicated woman, after all, with a very responsible job, a graduate degree, and a plan for my life that didn’t leave a lot of room for either error or slacking off. And I had a lot of people in my life that I was keeping track of. I thought keeping it simple was denying the realities of my very busy life. How wrong I was…..and how glad I am that I was wrong.
Keeping it simple can actually mean many things, depending on the interpreter. But one of the most powerful interpretations for me has been to walk away from situations and people that don’t directly involve me. My life is quite busy enough as it is. Freeing ourselves from the seduction of getting into other people’s business isn’t easy at first, not if we have had an obsession with doing that. But it can be done. Millions have done it. We can now be an example for others, too.
Minding my own business is a challenge and is exhilarating at the same time. It can become the best of all habits to form, one that will give me both more time and more friends.
MAR 4 Detachment is having your life be about you, not about other people. Being really close to another person, whether it’s a parent, a significant other, a friend, a sibling, or one of our children, feels so natural, doesn’t it? We want to be close to those we love. We want to help each other make decisions, do chores, plan for the future. Walking the path with someone who is in our life is the most natural of all actions. But walking beside someone, offering an opinion when asked for it, and being supportive when it’s truly an act of love is not the same as taking someone else’s “work” away from them. We all have specific “assignments” in this life. Not being allowed to do our own work prevents us from realizing the growth we are here to achieve.
When any one of us fails to fulfill that which we are here to do, many others will not get the opportunity to do what they are
here to do either. We are like puzzle pieces comprising a panoramic scene. Not filling in the space that’s been designated as ours means the picture isn’t complete. Our own life must be attended to if we are to be, and to give, all that we can to the circle of associates who are obviously part of our journey. Nothing is happening by chance. Those who are next to us on the path need our input perhaps, but little more.
The thrill of living our lives in concert with others is great indeed. But we must have the freedom to fulfill our part of the journey alone.
MAR 5 Detachment is living in our adult observer role Being a silent observer is an unfamiliar role for many of us. We too often assume that our input is desired, at times even required, only because we are present to a situation. Being told that our opinion isn’t necessary or even wanted can be interpreted as an affront. But we can choose to see this as different way: we can decide to enjoy the freedom this offers us. Not having to respond to the many experiences that we share with others is rather refreshing. It’s food for us and for our companions, too.
The idea of detachment doesn’t mean we don’t care what’s happening to others. Nor does it mean that what’s happening has no effect on us. It simply means that we don’t have to react to any situation. We can observe it, make a judgment about it and then choose a proper response if one is actually called fro or perhaps not respond at all. Practicing not responding is highly recommended if we want to grow in an important way. Making no response will become easier in time, and it sets a wonderful example for others, too.
Observing what’s going on around us without comment takes willingness and, on occasion, great strength, too. But detaching from others so they can do their own work is part of our work, too.
MAR 6 Detachment is not being dependent on others for good feelings. Reaching a state of well-being that isn’t reliant on anyone else’s actions is what we all hope for and what most of us strive for. Celebrating our worthiness, regardless of how others might be responding to us, isn’t a natural act. We seem to be far too dependent on others telling us that we are okay, either through words or deeds. The joy of experiencing a moment now and then, when we simply know we are fine regardless of what others are doing or saying is so much appreciated.
Being detached doesn’t mean we are oblivious to the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others. It just means that how we feel about ourselves isn’t controlled or even compromised by what others are doing. We are on parallel journeys, complementing one another but not determining the outcome for one another. Knowing that we don’t need someone else’s approval for us to do what feels right gives us the freedom and the permission to move forward in the ways we must if we are to fulfill our purpose here.
Detachment is the hallmark of a life being well lived. As long as we rely on anyone else for our good feelings, we can’t count on ever being wholly peaceful. And that’s no way to live.
MAR 7 Detachment is taking responsibility for our own life. Not blaming others for anything that has happened to us in this life is the mark of spiritual maturity. It’s also a goal that most of us have to spend years striving to attain. It’s not unusual to want to make others responsible for our failures or for our insufficiencies. Being told that the circumstances of our birth, the unloving parent or spouse, or the inability to master the educational system can’t be blamed aren’t easy pills for us to swallow. But until we say to ourselves and others, “I am wholly responsible for all that has occurred in my life,” we will not be able to move out of the prison we have built for ourselves.
Being fully responsible may feel daunting initially. But taking the responsibility in small bites makes it more digestible. Believing that we did the best we could with what was available is a good place to begin. This is also a good place to begin when we think of the supposed failings of our parents. They too did the best they could. Until we can come to terms with that, most of us won’t be very willing to take responsibility for what later followed in our own lives. A great analogy is to think of ourselves as toddlers trying to learn how to walk: we fall a lot. And that’s okay. Getting up again is what’s important.
Not looking to someone else to pick us up is the mark of maturity. We are on the path of emotional and spiritual maturity right now. Moving forward a step at a time is all that’s suggested.
MAR 8 Detachment means not being a victim anymore. Some say there are no victims, only volunteers. When I first heard that phrase, I was mystified. How could a person who suffered at the hands of another be considered a volunteer? But volunteers we are. Lest you misunderstand, I don’t want to suggest that there are no culprits in this world. But how we perceive those people who mistreat us is our choice. We can see those who are mean-spirited or worse as fearful, angry people who are looking for acceptance, even love, in the only way they know how. We don’t have to stay in their presence. Nor do we have to approve of their actions. But we can seek to understand them and move on.
We are moving along this path to master the lessons we have come here to learn, and those who travel with us, our compatriots as well as our adversaries, are fulfilling their designated roles too. That’s not easy to fathom if what we experience is unpleasant, but each of us is playing a part in the drama. To not take the actions of others as intentionally hurtful is the best of all lessons. Detaching from what we are experiencing is a possibility. Always.
What a glorious day today can be if I can remember that my experiences are part of my necessary learning curve.
MAR 9 Detachment is living one’s own life while letting friends and family live as they choose. Letting others live as they choose doesn’t sound that difficult, does it? At first glance, we’d probably say no, I can do that; what do I care what others are doing? But the fact of the matter is that most of us try, sometimes not very subtly, to control the actions of others. We too easily think we have a better idea about how to solve a problem. Or that we know what the preferred outcome should be. What we have forgotten perhaps is that everyone has his or her own specific agenda that has been given by one’s Higher Power. When we interfere, we prevent the growth that’s intended for our companions.
The more important reason for letting go of the lives of our companions is that we can’t do what we are here to do when we are overly focused on someone else’s journey. We travel together. And for that we can be very grateful. But we are running on parallel courses. What any one of us has as a plan for the day, the week, or one’s entire life may well be affected by that which a friend or family member is doing. But we must forge ahead regardless and let our companions completer their journeys, too.
Being on parallel courses gives each one of us courage and strength. Both not having to carry one another is the best of all blessings.
MAR 10 Detachment is never letting someone else control how we think, feel, or behave. Although I have already mentioned this earlier, it’s worth repeating: until I read John Powell’s little book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? in 1971, I had no idea how controlled I was by the very presence of others in my life, not only people I knew well but also complete strangers. If someone looked at me unfavorable or failed to look at me at all, I was consumed with doubt. Unless I was receiving nearly constant, positive attention, I felt invisible and unappreciated, certainly unloved. Being the center of everyone else’s life was what my ego demanded. But it never truly happened, fortunately.
When we are the center of anyone else’s life (and only someone who is very insecure would want to control us in this way), it restricts our every movement. We don’t have a life of our own when we have abdicated responsibility for ourselves, all our dreams and aspirations, all our decisions and actions, to others. It’s crucial that we savor the awareness that what we are here to do complements what others are here to do, too. But none of us are here to do for others what they need to be doing for themselves. This can’t be overstated. Being detached, being in charge solely of one’s self is life’s assignment.
It’s not always easy to turn away from the demands or cajoling of others. But what we may need to do is our decision, in the final analysis. Let’s stick with that.
MAR 11 Detachment is letting go of fear over other’s behavior. Throughout my own life there were so many ways to feel fear about what others were doing. Growing up, I was afraid of potential violence in my home. I was afraid of my dad’s anger. I was afraid my best friends were going to reject me every time a new student moved to our school. I was afraid of not being picked to play kickball after school. I was afraid I would remain uninvited to a birthday party. Then when boys entered the picture, I was certain no one would want me as a girlfriend or later, as a wife.
The overwhelming sense of fear shadowed me throughout the first three decades of my life. Until I was introduce to the concept that I had a Higher Power who traveled with me and who always “picked me” as worthy, I fought the urge to hang on to
whoever wandered close by. Hanging on to others, in the way I did, suffocated many potential friendships. I really never believe it was possible to be free of the fear that crippled me. But I am. No longer do I look to others for my self-worth. No longer am I afraid. Period. What changed? I developed the willingness to believe that life gives us the journey we were meant to have and that we aren’t alone on this trip. And this willingness is available to all of us.
What anyone else is doing doesn’t determine who we are or what we are worth. That’s an awareness that makes all the difference in the world to people who doubt.
MAR 12 Detachment is freedom from relying on others to complete our lives. Having others in our lives to complement our journey is a gift we all deserve. But being dependent on their presence in order to feel secure is not healthy. Nor is being so independent that we want no one else to share our path with us. Being interdependent is the best of all possible choices.
Joining with others, wherever they are, is an easy way to make a contribution toward the peace that’s so often missing in families and communities everywhere. But joining with someone is not the same as denying who we are in order to fit in or to be valued. Joining with another is about giving up the idea that we should compare ourselves or compete with each other. It’s about saying, “We are one” - interconnected, rather than separate. It’s an act of love. It’s not possession. When we join, everyone remains free. And valued. We simply don’t have to share every opinion.
Our lives are complemented by others but not completed by them. For this we can be very thankful. It allows us to be who we are meant to be.
MAR 13 Detachment, when fully expressed, promises peacefulness. To be peaceful means not letting anyone else’s behavior control how we feel about them, about ourselves, about the moment, or about the situation at hand. In other words, being totally free of any external influence is the only thing that can guarantee sustainable peace. We do have that option; we seldom exercise it, however. Far more often we let the mood swings or actions of others determine our own moods and behaviors. What a refreshing idea to know that we have made that choice. It’s not required! We can make another choice.
Detachment, fully expressed, may seem a bit extreme. But like the ever-so-common phrase “You can’t be a little bit pregnant,” you can’t be a little bit detached. We are either our own person or we are not. To be fully detached doesn’t mean ignoring the others on our path, nor does it mean being unkind. But it does mean we make our own decisions regardless of the opinions and plans of others. Peace is the gift that’s realized when we decide who we will be and then be it.
Isn’t peace what we all want? There is a guaranteed way to get it: detach. When others are in our circle, we make sure that we stay within our own choices. We do it lovingly so all will benefit.
MAR 14 Detachment is a gift that we receive from our relationships well lived. Having relationships doesn’t always ensure that we enjoy them. Many of us have experienced relationships that were ill-conceived from the start. Sometimes we go into a relationship simply because it was convenient or, as in my case, because it seemed better than being alone. But relationship that isn’t based on mutual values or on the willingness to respect our differences isn’t destined to fulfill our yearnings, not for long anyway.
There’s another element that contributes to a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial if the relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is the sum of more than the two parts. This is where the concept of detachment enters. Not being afraid to let our relationship partner live his or her life, trusting that their choices don’t have to mimic ours for us to be compatible, is a sign of strength and health. It’s also the necessary sign that we are trusting God to be in charge of the journey we each need to make.
GOD never detaches from us. That’s the spiritual axiom that allows us to detach from all others with the faith that whomever we need to journey with will come to us.
MAR 15 Detachment from others is necessary to fully enjoy attachment to God. If our focus is obsessively on someone else, we simply cannot be present to the people and the lessons with them that God has planned for us. Our journey is quite
Intentional. And pay attention we must. Actually, that’s a relief, isn’t it? It means we don’t have to let the actions of others take over our minds. We don’t have to let their opinions, their outbursts, their sulking, or their silence define us in any way. Letting them be gives us the opportunity we need to connect to God with the fullness of our hearts. Learning to journey with others is the paramount lesson for many of us.
In our attachment to God we are helped to clearly understand the work we have been born to fulfill. Each one of us is unique and able to perform our specific tasks as no one else can. And in order for every task to b e completed, it takes every one of us to do our part. We can be supportive of one another. We should be, in fact. But we must let the completion of the details be handled by the person assigned to them.
There is such joy in feeling attached to God. It means there is no fear. We will not doubt our worth. We will know that we have a purpose, and we will know how to fulfill it because God will supply all the information we need.
MAR 16 Detachment is knowing that others’ criticisms are about them. I grew up in a household where criticism was common, far more common that praise, in fact. I don’t think it was that my parents didn’t love me or my siblings, but rather, they didn’t feel satisfied with themselves, and that made it quite difficult to be satisfied with anyone else, either. So I think their being critical of others became a habit. I observed them being critical of their siblings, as well as of their neighbors. In fact they seldom praised others at all.
I look back on those years with an understanding that I wasn’t capable of then. And a sadness that my parents didn’t feel okay about who they were, which in turn made them unable to see the good in others.
People who truly know God don’t criticize. Even when they observe a behavior that concerns them, they are far more likely to say a silent prayer. They seem to instinctively know that their purpose in another’s life is to offer love and support, and forgiveness, should that be called for. We are never called to be critics of one another. Way-shower, yes, but never critics.
Being criticized by others need not affect how we feel about ourselves. And it won’t the more we practice detachment.
MAR 17 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible. Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice.
Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
MAR 18 Attachment to anyone other than God imprisons us. For the first three decades of my life, I reveled in being “necessary,” or so I thought, to someone else’s life. If that someone was happy, so was I. If he or she was sad, I tried to make them feel better. If they were angry, I was certain I had done something wrong. My every mood was controlled by the feedback I received, either verbal or nonverbal, from them. My growth was stunted, and I didn’t even know it.
It wasn’t until I got involved in Twelve Step recovery that I discovered there were other ways to experience one’s life. Coming to appreciate that we are on shared journeys, not the same journey, has taught me many things. I have learned that what someone else sees is not what I need to see, that what he or she thinks need not be what I think. That how anyone else behaves doesn’t have to chart my course too. We are complementary to each other. We are not empowered to be in charge of one another.
Being imprisoned by our attachments to other people in our lives keeps us from living the journey we are here to enjoy. It’s up to us to release ourselves. 5
MAR 19 Detachment is not letting the mood swings of others determine your own mood. In the early 1970’s, I read a passage in a book by a popular Jesuit priest that rocked my world. I realized then that my life had always been a reflection of how others responded to me. If their response was loving, I felt secure. If they seemed distant, I felt rejected. If their interests or activities didn’t include me, I could only interpret this as abandonment. I needed to be the center of any loved one’s life, and when that wasn’t the case, which was frequent, I was an emotional basket case. My life depended on others’ inclusion of me in their every waking moment. Needless to say, I had no real life.
Letting someone else’s behavior control our behavior negates our freedom of choice. It means we fail to experience the gifts of happiness and empowerment that come with making our own decisions. We can’t fulfill the assignment that is solely ours if we are at the mercy of someone else’s behavior, even part of the time. And if we aren’t doing that which we were born to do, we also slow down the progress of those who travel with us.
We are part of an orchestra, you and me. We each have a song, a tune, to play. Yours isn’t mine, and vice versa. Being in charge of our own notes is the ultimate lesson for each one of us.
MAR 20 Detachment is practicing the awareness that changing our thoughts can produce changed feelings. We can change our minds, and the experiences in our life will reflect the change. For instance, try this experiment. The next time you are impatiently standing in line at the grocery store, say to yourself, “Everyone in front of me is here by divine appointment and needs my blessing.” Then notice how differently you feel inside. Notice how others begin to soften their gaze, too. If you see no change the first time you try this try it again. It works. When we change how we see others in our world, they do seem to change as well. They will begin to match our picture of them.
Coming to appreciate that we are not powerless over what we nurture in our minds, that we are, in fact in charge of our thoughts, gives us the hope and the promise that we can feel however we want to feel. We can be as happy, as hopeful, or as miserable as we want to be. No thought can hold us hostage. No feeling can hold us hostage. No person can hold us hostage. We are as free as we want to be. This gives us all the ammunition we will ever need to know that all is well. Always, all is well.
Thoughts and feelings are intertwined. The good news is that each one of us is in charge of how we feel because of what we think. Our present is up to us.
MAR 21 Detachment is knowing that happiness is the by-product of how we live our lives, not how others are living theirs. Allowing others to be glad or sad, and knowing it doesn’t relate to us, is real freedom. But coming to understand this way of life takes time, a willingness to believe in this as a possibility, and then perseverance. Few develop this awareness instantaneously. But whenever we accept this as a path for living, it becomes the first day of real freedom that we’ll ever experience.
Tying our happiness to anyone else means we probably also tie our sadness or confusion or depression to them, too. And many of us do live this way, or did. I have to admit this was my path for many years. Whatever anyone else said or did, however anyone else felt, was what determined my emotions. It’s a bit embarrassing to say that I lived this way into my late thirties. And if I had not been introduced to a Twelve Step program then, I might still be tying my star to someone else’s dream………..or nightmare. My path was not unusual. I know many others who struggled with the same issue; some still do. Our culture encourages it. But we can live differently. I know, because I do now.
Happiness, as Abe Lincoln said, comes when we make up our minds to be happy. What freedom and joy this ensures. It allows us to model happiness for others, too.
MAR 22 Detachment is not needing attention from others to feel okay. It’s a common desire, for many of us, to want others to notice us, particularly when we are in the spotlight for a particular reason. Being listened to at home and by friends is important too. But that’s not the crux of this principle. It’s about getting comfortable enough with who we are to feel okay wherever we are, with or without the attention of others. Up to a certain age, many children seem to naturally have this confidence. And then they often lose it; some never regain it. But those who seek to understand themselves as well as others can generally reclaim it in time. Not needing attention from others is far different than not wanting someone’s attention. Being dependent on getting someone’s attention holds us hostage to every relationship and situation we find ourselves in. It doesn’t allow us to work an equal partnership with others. It doesn’t free us to be who we are in the moment. We will be on guard to be who we think we need to be in order to stay in the good graces of our “captor.” We are not really living when that’s our path.
Checking our motives for our actions is very important. Are we doing what is in our hearts? Or are we doing what we think we need to do in order to get positive attention from others?
MAR 23 Detachment is being able to care deeply about a situation or another person from an objective point of view. There is a difference, a rather significant one, between caring for someone or some situation subjectively as opposed to objectively. From a subjective point of view, we are overly involved or influenced by someone’s personality, perhaps, or by their response to us. Or maybe it’s a cause that has caught our attention to the point of obsession. Not letting our emotions get out of balance for any reason allows us to offer what we really need to in every experience that touches us.
Being objective doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, it means that we will likely care, or not, for the correct, perhaps more rational, reasons. It often means our response can be trusted to have been freely offered, not coerced. It means we aren’t being unduly pressured to be for or against a person, an opinion, or a situation. Being able to stay detached when much of the world is trying to claim our adherence to a particular perspective is freedom at its best.
Not being unduly influenced to be for or against a person or a situation gives us the breathing room we need to make up our own minds. Detachment, in this regard, lets us change an opinion at our own pace.
MAR 24 Detachment is not creating or preventing a crisis when it’s clearly not our business to be involved. Stepping away from a situation or another person’s experiences when we aren’t directly involved may seem unkind initially, especially if the person involved is a loved one. But whatever is happening in his or her life is for them to sort out, not us. Perhaps it’s acceptable to offer a suggestion, if asked, but if we get involved where and when we shouldn’t we will short-circuit the journey that needs to be made by them.
There’s an occasional situation in which a child is faced with a dilemma, and in that instance, we may need to be involved; but even then, we have to appreciate that the child’s journey is his, not ours. We can offer guidance, and probably should, but the outcome of the situation is between him and God. We are not, in the final analysis, part of the mix. And if a crisis occurs anywhere, unless we are part of the problem, it is not ours to fix.
Recognizing our limitations when it comes to the experiences of others can be troubling initially. But we will see this as freedom if we are willing to believe that God’s plan for us is to live our own life, not someone else’s.
MAR 25 Detachment is letting others have their own opinions. My family of origin didn’t allow for differing opinions. My father insisted that we agree with him, or all hell broke loose. Whether the topic was politics or music, his opinion was the only right one and having one that ran counter to it was evidence of insubordination. I locked horns with him for years. I felt compelled to disagree, on my own behalf and on behalf of my mom and younger brother, too. My older sisters seldom got involved in “the dance” he and I did……………..a dance that continued long after I left home.
I grew into adult hood steeped in this pattern of behavior, a pattern that didn’t allow much room for discussion with anyone. I had to be right, just as my dad had had to be right. It wasn’t until my own recovery from drugs and alcohol that I understood what the need to be right was about. Fear was the root cause for my dad’s attempts to control how others thought. Fear prompted my own, too. Now I know there is nothing to fear. We come together by design. We learn by design. We let go, we detach, by design too, and peace blossoms within.
Letting go of someone else’s journey is the most freeing experience we can have today. And it’s by far the best gift we can offer someone, too.
MAR 26 Detachment is being able to let others journey wherever they need to go. It’s not uncommon to assume that since we are generally in the company of family and friends, that our journeys must be similar. But what any one of us is here to learn is quite specific. The reason we are journeying side by side is that we need each other for support and suggestions; there is a difference, however, between sharing what has worked for us and trying to control how someone else should live his or her life.
Being able to detach from our loved ones is seldom easy. It doesn’t feel natural. In fact, it more commonly feels unsympathetic and self-centered. But that’s the value of practice. We learned our math tables by practicing them. We learn how to be skillful at golf or tennis or bridge through many hours of practice. In fact, Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers: the Story of Success, says that the key to success in any field requires practicing for it for ten thousand hours. Detaching is a skill too, and we can hone it if we are willing to work at it. The payoff is that our companions learn how to take responsibility for themselves and then rely on God, and we learn how to focus on the only journey over which we have any real control: our own!
Watching our loved ones move through their experiences, and praying for them if the need arises, is our assignment, little else.
MAR 27 Detachment is knowing that you are not God. Ernest Kurtz wrote a book, published in 1979 and later expanded and republished in 1991, titled Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember thinking it was a strange title. I didn’t see how my attempts to control the outcomes to my life or the life of a loved one was playing God. I was just trying to be helpful. Admitting that I had no control was too frightening. Others might leave me if I didn’t try to control their movements. My future plans might not materialize if I wasn’t in control of them, or so I thought back then. Letting go of any person or situation, allowing the future to unfold as it might, was simply unfathomable.
The wisdom to let go, to detach from all behaviors or situations except those that directly involve us, exemplifies freedom. But many of us don’t seek freedom. We want enmeshment. We feel more comfortable in the throes of the chaos of someone else’s life. And until we have experienced freedom from that kind of attachment, and the joy it offers, we will continue to search for the person who will allow us to choose his or her life to live, rather than live our own.
Giving up control may be the scariest thing we will ever do. And also the most rewarding. There is only one God, and we are not Him.
MAR 28 Detachment is no longer succumbing to the suggestions of others when they are not right for us. Being a people pleaser can cause us grief in myriad areas. For one, we can find ourselves knee-deep in the affairs of others far too often by getting talked into participating in experiences that don’t honestly appeal to us. We might agree to help a friend (because we feel we must) when we really don’t have the time, the money, the interest, or the energy. And every time we give a little bit of ourselves away in any of these ways, we lose the freedom and the time to devote ourselves to those special tasks that have been designated as ours while here in this life.
It’s not easy to say no when asked to do something. It’s not easy to decline a suggestion about how to handle a problem when a friend is offering it in kindness. But we must learn to read ourselves and listen to the Holy Spirit. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Others are on our path for a reason, that’s true. But doing someone else’s will is not why they are there. Saying no thank you may well be the biggest lesson and the most frequent opportunity we will experience every day.
The times when we can say no, in a kind way, rather than saying yes and then resenting it, will occur, on a daily basis. This can make the next twenty-four hours rather interesting, too.
MAR 29 Detachment is being able to walk away from situations that are not helpful to us. I have practiced this very suggestion tens of thousands of times in the last thirty years. That’s why I know it’s possible. I won’t pretend that it was easy the first few hundred times, however. I often had to force myself to leave a room or an argument of sometimes even a relationship. Too often I felt that just one more word from me would convince the other person that I was right. My inability to walk away escalated many disagreements. Frankly, I don’t think I even realized I had a choice to do it differently. What glory there is in knowing that that’s not the case. And in having the willingness to practice it.
Detaching from situations that are not helpful is one way every one of us reading this could add more free time to the day. Detaching from situations that are not helpful is a sure way of allowing for greater peace in our lives, too. But even more important, every time we choose this peaceful path, we add to the peace that’s felt around the world. One peaceful act is always multiplied many times over.
Throughout the day we will confront many experiences that are best ignored or forgiven. The question is, can we? Every time we make the better choice for our peace of mind, we are making it for the peace of mind of millions of others, too.
MAR 30 Detachment is knowing that your life is God’s business, not yours. Accepting that my life was God’s business - and not my own - initially confused me. I didn’t doubt that God played a part in my life. I believed that God had a part in everyone’s life, in fact. But I was sure that my part was bigger than God’s that I had to create my life and that all the experiences that came calling were because of my actions. Listening to the inner voice and then doing the next right thing hardly seemed like a big enough part to be playing.
Giving God control over our lives doesn’t mean we no longer need to take responsibility for our actions. Instead, it means that what comes our way is meant for our growth and has been quite specifically sent, and that we do have a partner who will help us make whatever decision we need to make. We are not alone, not now or ever. God is present and is sending us the lessons that are ours to learn in concert with His divine plan that includes all of us.
Responding in a loving, accepting way to the experiences that are sent to us is all that’s expected of us. We don’t have to fret over anything. We need not wonder what our next assignment should be. It will come calling.
MAR 31 Detachment is knowing what is not your business, This is a simple principle, really. What it comes down to is this: nothing is our business that doesn’t directly involve us. Our family members need to do their own “work”; our friends do, too. The strangers whose paths we cross are there intentionally, that’s a given. But that doesn’t mean their lives are ours to control. Our journeys are intersections for what each one of us needs to learn, and on many occasions, the lesson is simply this: mind your own business.
Minding our own business is not an unloving act. It doesn’t preclude listening to a friend. Nor does it mean we can’t share our own experience, strength, and hope if asked to do so. Minding our own business frees us to live our own lives. But even more important, it frees our fellow travelers to make their own discoveries and learn how to listen to their own inner guide. Once we get the feel of minding our own business, we realize bow much more peaceful life can be.
If peace is what we long for, there is one sure way to get it: we mind our own business.
