May 1 There is no such thing as absolute value in this world. You can only estimate what a thing is worth to you. Charles Dudley Warner Self-esteem is not magic. It is not a mysterious cosmic phenomenon that may or may come to be. Self-esteem is a product. The steps it takes to build self-esteem are not so different from the steps it takes to build anything else-from model airplanes to spaceships. First you have to understand the basic anatomy or what you are trying to construct. Once you grasp that, the most important part of the project is already done.
If esteem is the value we place on something then self-esteem, in its simplest terms, is the value we place on ourselves. Who we think we are determines how much we think we’re worth. So how do we define ourselves? We need to scrutinize our self-definitions if we want to build self-esteem. If we work off of plans for a model airplane, we’re not going to end up with a spaceship.
Suppose we wear an apron at work instead of a pinstripe suit. Do we value costumes so much that we devalue respectable work? We are not our costumes. Suppose we have spent some time in jail. Must we forever define ourselves that way-or may we now think of ourselves as free citizens getting on with our lives? “Less than” definitions must be retranslated if we want to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem is a product of positives.
Negative self-definitions lay a weak foundation for growth.
May 2 If an ass goes travelling, he’ll not come back a horse. Thomas Fuller People who’ve already worn out shoes on the recovery path have much to tell us tenderfoots about what lies ahead. “Keep on coming!” they might say. “The hills aren’t too steep and you can wade across the river!” And some of their messages are warnings: “Forget about detours. They’ll only waste your time and get you lost.” They caution us against wandering off in the wrong direction.
One of the ways newly recovering people tend to wander off is by “taking geographical.” This means looking in a different place for what we are too blind to see in our own backyards. It means moving-not to get somewhere, but to get away from somewhere. When we seek a geographical cure, we forget that the patient comes right along with us. Where we are isn’t going to transform who we are into something we’re not. Self-esteem isn’t out there waiting for us in another town or state.
To be sure, there are times when a big move is necessary. But in the early days of recovery when self-esteem is shaky, we’re usually wise to stick to the territory we know. We need to avoid detours, side trips, and meandering of any kind. We have more important things to think about than whether the sky is sunnier someplace else.
Following the advice of proven leaders can save me many a wrong turn.
May 3 God respects me when I work, but he loves me when I sing. Thai Proverbs What image does the word God conjure up? A child may think of a beneficent, white-bearded, grandfatherly being who helps find lost dogs and creates sunshine for picnics. A teenager may envision a stern judge of adolescent sexual adventures. Weary adults, if they think about God at all, may have an exaction “boss” figure in mind. More of an eagle-eye overseer than anything else.
As Ultimate Authority, the God that hovers in our subconscious may well be a composite of every authority figure we ever knew-school principal, policeman, father, job reviewer. Perhaps that’s why so many so many of us pay homage to that demanding God with unending work. We step lively to stay ahead of that report card, that evaluation, that’s sure to be coming down.
As our own self-image improves, so does our image of God become more loving. The critical taskmaster we once needed to justify our workaholism goes off on a permanent vacation. As we learn to lighten up on ourselves, we find a new God who values serenity more than sweat.
Reconsidering God is an important part of recovery.
May 4 He was afraid, but he never quit. David R. David was talking with his friends about the death of his dearly beloved son, who had died of cancer at age twenty-nine. David called his son a “courageous angel.” Courageous, because even though the David said, “but he never quit. And finally, shortly before he died, he found what he was looking for. When he died, his eyes were bathed in a peaceful light.”
David said his son was an angel because angels tell us of God. The grieving father told of how, before his son was born, he was an insensitive, self-centered man who was furious at the thought of being inconvenienced by a child. Yet the arrival of that child melted, softened, restructured his whole personality. “Like all angels,” David said tearfully, “he reflected the face of God. I have never been estranged from that face since.”
Fortunately, most of us do not need to lose a loved one to find peace, serenity, and a deeper understanding of what’s important in life. All through our lives there are opportunities for spiritual awareness and growth. Angels abound if we are but open to recognize them.
Love of others can introduce me to the love of God.
May 5 We know that habits are in control, the question is are they friend or foe? M. C. Grimmond Many of us who don’t suffer from clinical depression trudge through life in a depressive fog. Everything seems to take too much energy. Nothing seems exciting or interesting. Sunny days seem like nothing more than a prelude to the next rainstorm. And of course our self-esteem sinks as low as our spirits do.
Although a depressive attitude about life can have deeper causes, often it is simply habit. Just another bad habit like frowning or finger drumming. If we didn’t grow up around positive people, the chances are good that we learned to describe the world and everything in it in negative terms. We may have been taught to automatically distrust people and their intentions, which put a hard spin on all of our days.
Healing a habitually heavy heart can begin by simply directing our attention to everything positive that is going on around us, by counting our blessings, and by learning to say “thank you” for all that is.
Cheerfulness is as habitual as gloominess.
May 6 The one means that wins the easiest victory over reason: terror and force. Adolf Hitler Human beings are both wonderfully and awfully adaptable!
Over time, people who put up with bullying come to tolerate and then accept this sad situation. They become so accustomed to intimidation, they no longer even recognize it for what it is-a forfeit of their basic human rights. Obviously, people who live under these circumstances have only two chances for self-esteem: slim and none.
Those of us who live with people who brutalize us emotionally or physically must get honest with ourselves, that we live under spirit-crushing conditions. Facing the facts brings us one step closer to achieving some improvement.
People who are constantly taunted, teased, insulted, or threatened, let alone physically abuse, have every right to reclaim the basic human right to happiness the somehow let slip away. There is hope and help available. There is every reason to count on better days ahead if today we begin to tell the truth. Our situation is only hopeless if we deny that it exists.
I am too valuable a person to bow down in submission.
May 7 Allow me to assure you that suspicion and jealousy never did help any man in any situation. Abraham Lincoln Expecting the worst is second nature for some of us. That’s why it’s so easy for us to expect negative motives in others. But it’s just as reasonable to expect that other people are as well intentioned as we are. Both mental outlooks are just habits born of practice.
Faith in human nature bolsters our faith in our own possibilities. A generalized suspicion and distrust of other people creates enemies where no enemies exist. Why give in to that kind of defensive thinking? Why not give others the benefit of the doubt?
Abraham Lincoln was asked why he tried to make friends with his enemies, when he should be trying to destroy them. Lincoln replied that he was destroying his enemies when he made them his friends. This is a truth well worth contemplating, as we learn to make friends with ourselves.
I must look for the good in others, if I want to find it in myself.
May 8 Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them. Gail Grenier Sweet More than one person’s self-esteem has been dampened because, in comparing ourselves with other providing parents, we come up short. In a consumer society, value and love are often equate with “how much,” “how often,” and “how expensive.”
Yet the deeper truth is that material things rust and are soon put aside and forgotten. What abides are the memories of being loved. These precious recollections are the ones that we tuck away in the treasure box of our minds. We hang on to the times when we were made to feel special.
Consider your own memories. Which are the sweetest? Chances are they have little to do with things unless those things were genuine symbols of true caring. It’s much more likely that they had to do with a special nickname, a shared secret, a time when a parent was truly there for you. Our favorite Christmas or birthday memories are rarely about the things we received, but the warmth of caring behind the giving.
Gifts from my heart are more valuable than gifts from my pocket.
May 9 The fox condemns the trap, not himself. William Blake When the subject of rationalizations comes up, many of us say “Right, I know all about that.” Superficially, we well may-but it isn’t the superficial dimension that gets us into trouble. Take blaming, for example. On the face of it, blaming is just another obvious cop-out. But the real problem with blaming isn’t the finger pointing itself, it’s the pattern it sets up.
Blaming says, “It’s not my fault. I had no choice. It was done to me.” What happens when this is our habitual response to harmful situations? Are we not also saying, “Because I was the victim this time, there may well be a next time. And I won’t be responsible for that, either.”
Thus we set up an easy out for our tendency to stay in abusive situations, say yes, when we mean no; stay home “sick,” when we are really just lazy. Most of the time we do contribute to situations that diminish our self-esteem. It might not be easy, but we could assert ourselves, turn things around, if we really want to. The problem with rationalizations is that they aren’t honest, and over time they make us dishonest people.
Today I take responsibility for my own choices.
May 10 You can’t shake hands with a closed fist. Indira Gandhi Are you one who keeps a list? Many of us take very careful count of all that has been lost. With the scrupulous exactitude of resentment, we tally up every wrong that was done to us, every privilege or pleasure that we were denied, every hardship or obstacle that blocked our way. Because we make such an effort to record everything, our list grows and grows with each passing year. And the longer if gets, the better we like it. Justifying resentments can be mighty satisfying.
The problem is that list making keeps us fixated at the point of our losses. It nails us to the past, forever victimized, forever on the lookout for more of the same.
Resentment closes the hand to a fist. How can a fist reach out in friendship or reconciliation? How can a fist receive love or any other gift? A fist may be fine for clutching a grubby little pencil and slashing away at a yellowing old score card. But it closes off too many good things. Nobody ever gave anything to a fist.
Most of the items on our list may be factual. Some may even be criminal. But what real purpose is served-and what price paid-by compiling a catalog of misery? Wouldn’t it be better to let that stuff go? Bad enough that those things happened at all, worse yet that we’re still keeping them alive.
I can’t hang on to the old and reach out for the new at the same time.
May 11 The greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved, but only outgrown. Carl Jung The only way to deal with certain problems is by leaving them alone. In these situations we have to live with “what is” for a while and just wait. Like it or not, our mental health may depend on it.
Every fiber of our being may resist this wisdom. Our can-do culture tells us there is always something that must be done, and done immediately! We must attack. Fix it. Beat it to death. Do something.
Naturally, we often bring this aggressive mentality to matters affecting self-esteem. Sometimes vigorous action is indeed called for. But with many problems, there is simply no way to force a solution. Learning when to push and when to hold back can save us many heartaches.
How many late bloomers are there among us who simply outgrew their wallflower tendencies? Time took care of it. Many times an irritating coworker is transferred to another office or a nasty neighbor moves away. In time, without help from our plots and schemes, the maddening problem solved itself. In other situations it is just time and the maturity that comes with time, that turns on the light, answers the riddle, or tames some wild impulse.
Waiting is not only a legitimate option but sometimes my only option.
May 12 The maxim “Nothing avails but perfection,” may be spelled “Paralysis.” Winston Churchill People are more than just the sum of their parts. When we think of ourselves or others as just a mind, just a body, or just a bundle of emotions, we miss the whole person. In truth, we can miss the forest for our close examination of the trees.
Self-esteem is like that. We may hate our noses or our hot tempers or our pessimism, but the bottom line is how we feel about ourselves as people, not our dissected parts. While each part affects the whole, it’s the big picture that counts. If we can’t look beyond our irritating shyness or our excessive weight, we’re standing up too close to see what’s going on.
By all means, take whatever action you can against a troubling flaw. Many have lifted a sagging self-esteem by getting their bodies in shape or getting counseling to tame a negative emotional impulse. But it is always a mistake to hinge our self-esteem on the few clumsy brushstrokes in an otherwise lovely portrait.
Self-criticism robs me of more joy than criticism from others.
May 13 The value of persistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will finally hear Him. William McGill
Praying is our way of communicating with God, our way of keeping up our end of the relationship. Because words aren’t the glue that holds any relationship together, praying isn’t always the same thing as saying prayers. Praying is “being there.” It isn’t mostly talking-it’s mostly listening.
Any belief in a loving Higher Power, a “God as you understand him,” is a valuable asset to our self-esteem. Partly this is because, having no God, we must become God-the ultimate source of our own power. Whose self-image can rise to that? It doesn’t take us long in life to find many things that are beyond our power even to nudge, let alone control.
Surely a loving God wants to lead us toward greater health and happiness. After all, this is what we want for the people we love; would God want less for us? But to be led we must listen. Blasting the airways with prayers may often be less appropriate than taking time out to relax and listen.
The teacher will appear when the student is ready.
May 14 Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes are worn out. Italian Proverb
Vacillation throws a damp blanket on the fire or success and, therefore, on self-esteem. Should I or shouldn’t I? Good idea or bad idea? Now or later? Thinking about our options is one thing, but it’s quite possible to take so long deciding that some of our options run out! Sometimes that’s just what we were hoping for; when the either is removed, we’ll have to settle for the or. The decision will be made for us.
At other times, though, we know very well which way we should go. Our hearts, minds, insights, and instincts are powerfully pushing us in a certain direction. These are the times we must force our feet to move where the rest of us is leaning.
Is there an opportunity that should be pursued? A move that should be made? A word that needs to be spoken, a hand clasped? Sometimes we have to move the muscles whether we feel ready or not. If we hide in a corner for fear of taking action, our self-esteem will be crouching right down there with us.
As hard as it may be to get started, action brings relief.
May 15 Going as we do by faith and not by sight, we are full of confidence.2 Cor. 5:7
No one has such perfect foresight always to see what lies ahead, let alone around the corner. In spite of all our evidence and experience, we simply don’t know what outcomes will come to pass. Too much can happen between now and then; some of these twists and turns are beyond imagining. At times the path ahead is so murky we can only travel by the light of faith.
Who can know how a confrontation with a problematic family member will come out? Yet the good of all demands that confrontation. Will a bold new venture prove to be wise or foolhardy? But we’ve made a decision and it must be tried. Is there any guarantee that we’ll quickly find a healthy new relationship if we end a bad marriage? No, but our self-worth demands that we take the leap.
If we always waited until we could see the path, many a life-enhancing journey would never have started. We’d still be hoping for the light to improve rather than actively improving our own lives. Sometimes we just have to strike out in the dark. If we believe what we are doing is right, that faith will give us all the light we need.
Faith is a beacon that nonbelievers must do without.
May 16 Forgiveness or regret are the only choices we have. Ron Palmer
Mention skills and we usually think of things like playing a musical instrument, dancing, or cooking. We seldom think of things like attitudes that, in sum, equal self-esteem. But attitudes are skills. Perhaps one of the least mentioned is the skill of forgiveness.
There are many unfairnesses to forgive in this unfair world. Life often is frustrating and full of disappointments. At times there are genuine insults and traumatic absurdities that befall us. All are capable of destroying our self-esteem if we don’t learn to become peacemakers rather than grudge-holders.
The skill of forgiveness, like any skill, must be practiced daily. An attitude of acceptance, sailing along on the greased rails of habit, enables us to forgive life for not being what we wanted it to be. We spare ourselves much regret when we come to peaceful terms with our own personal histories. If we didn’t live up to our fondest expectations, that isn’t so bad. Even those who have done us legitimate harm can be forgiven once we realize that not forgiving only prolongs the injury.
Forgiveness unties the knot that binds me to resentment and regret.
May 17 Our unconscious is like a vast subterranean factory with intricate machinery that is never idle, where work goes on day and night from the time we are born until the moment of our death. James Harvey Robinson
Not only do we all talk to ourselves, but we do it all the time. On a deeper level of consciousness than “Where did I put my glasses?” we ask and answer questions, weigh information, and test different opinions. Our self-talk reinforces our reality to the extent that our entire self-concept and the esteem or lack thereof, that flows from that concept is continuously re-created.
Affirmations are simple statements of positive truth. When we “do” affirmations, we take charge of that critical inner dialogue. By telling ourselves, “I am worthy even when I make a mistake,” we legitimize that valid opinion whether or not we “feel” worthy at that moment. If we face ourselves in the mirror and say, “I am a lovable, competent person” we might hear an inner voice saying, “Who are you kidding?” But just the verbal expression of the positive self-definition enters an authoritative new voice into the inner dialogue.
Someone has said that affirmations are the quickest, least-bloody form of “brain surgery” ever devised. Of all the tools for self-rescue, what could be simpler or easier to use than affirmations?
I will use affirmations to reinforce realities that I know but don’t yet feel.
May 18 All people like us are We, And everyone else is They. Rudyard Kipling
Friends and family may not always be as supportive as we’d like them to be. Especially about group sharing. They may fear we’re “talking about them” or “airing dirty laundry in public.” The very idea that we identify ourselves as “recovering” people may well make them anxious, defensive, or critical.
Those who have not yet discovered the wonderful advantages of group support may see us, those who are involved in groups, as “crazy” or “in the hands of some cult.” There are personal implications, after all, when a family member or close friend admits a need, a lack, or a failing. Fear can make them frantic that they may also have a problem or shortcoming that we, the groupies, would just love to get a hold of. So threatened, they may try to tease or harass us into staying away from our groups.
In such situations, we need to stand fast. It is not true that they can handle their own problems and we can’t. They’re not healthier or stronger than we are. The only difference between people in groups and people who aren’t is that people in groups are doing something about their problems and the others aren’t. The difference is not in who is sick and who is well, but in who is taking responsibility for their lives and who is not.
All human beings share the same living problems.
May 19 Wisdom: sagacity, prudence, common sense. The American College Dictionary
There is no virtue in being foolhardy. Calculated risk is one thing, but careless risk is something else entirely. All growth requires an element of risk, of course, because growth means going where we have not been before. When we venture into new territory, it is always risky.
Most of us know that building self-esteem requires doing new things, trying new ventures, striking out in new territory-in other words, taking risks. But let us beware of jumping into hopeless situations and calling those suicide leaps “risks.” Suicides are not risks. They are certain death.
If we have learned time and time again that a certain person or situation leaves us spiritually deflated, we need to stay away. Why keep going back? How many times do we have to lose before we recognize a bad bet?
If the odds of winning are too low, a risk is not acceptable.
May 20 Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. Will Rogers
Our ignorance of various subjects is nothing to be ashamed of. Usually, an area of total ignorance has to do with lack of exposure and experience. Or it may simply have to do with lack of interest. But in any case it’s a sign of immaturity when we try to hide our ignorance or pretend to know something that, in truth, we don’t even want to know. After all, ignorance about something isn’t stupidity; it’s simply a lack of knowledge in a certain area.
We’d be a lot less embarrassed about our pockets of ignorance if we realized that everybody else is in the same boat. Why do we imagine that we’re the only ones who can’t program a VCR or assemble a bicycle? If there’s something we want to learn, we can take a class or study at home. But we shouldn’t be intimidated by our imaginings: Plenty of well-educated, sophisticated people couldn’t change a tire or make lump-free gravy if their lives depended on it!
In building self-esteem, ignorance of a nonvital subject is only dangerous when it teams up with arrogance or pretense. This deadly duo-one that makes us angry and defensive lest our ignorance be exposed, the other that turns its back on truth-handicaps our better selves.
Few people are as well rounded as I imagine most people to be.
May 21 Dear friend, theory is all grey, and the golden tree of life is green. Goethe
Marcus, a gifted psychologist, is also a full professor at a major state university. For twenty-five years he has studied, taught, and written about the workings of the human psyche. Few experts are as well grounded or up to date in their field as Marcus is.
Yet Marcus’s own life is in conflict. His stomach tells him so. In spite of all his credentials and qualifications, he has long-term, gut-level issues that aren’t relieved by research or study. For all his knowledge, he still stews in a cauldron of unresolved anger. Marcus knows enough to write a book about repressed anger and its effects, but his repressed anger continues to be a mysterious source of misery.
If life were a theory, Marcus’s analytical skills could certainly be used to untie his own knots. But life isn’t a theory, and principles aren’t the same thing as practices. Until Marcus the man, not Marcus the professor, begins to personally apply what he knows in theory, his knowledge will do his students a lot more good than it will him. Knowing isn’t doing, and it’s doing that makes the difference.
I realize that healthy living has more to do with behavior than theory.
May 22 It is easy to live for others. Everybody does. I call on you to live for yourselves. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Selfishness, of course, is not conducive to healthy self-esteem. The point is that unless we first take care of our own business we will have nothing of value to give anyone else.
Selfishness can be a superficial hiding place. It is easy to live for others, to get involved in their lives, to endlessly ruminate on what is wrong with them, and what they need to do to improve their lot. But always and endlessly dwelling on others doesn’t leave us much time to “look to our own houses.” If our energies are always visiting, who’s minding the store at home?
All real advances in self-esteem are made when we dare to deal with ourselves. Other people’s issues aren’t our affair. The real question is, what are ours? What are our own personal black clouds that keep the sun of self-esteem from shining from our lives? What character defects are making us want to run away from ourselves? What are our fears, insecurities, jealousies? These weeds must be rooted out if our garden is to grow.
Other people’s battles are not mine to fight.
May 23 The world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is. “The Desiderata”
Self-esteem is easily starved out by chronic suspiciousness. This sour-spirited attitude would have us see only what is false and deceitful about the world. It blinds the soul from any vision of beauty or perception of virtue-whether within or without. Self-esteem cannot grow in such toxic surroundings.
While it is true that “the world is full of trickery,” it is equally true that virtue abounds. And virtue has a powerful influence on our self-esteem if we aren’t too closed to appreciate it.
To overly concentrate on the world’s deceit has us constantly imputing false, shoddy motives to everyone we see or any activity we take notice of. All preachers become thieves; altruism anywhere is only someone working an angle; innocence is disguised guilt; giving is for tax purposes only; love is an illusion. Such pathological distrust must be challenged if we are to make any progress.
The world is only as dark as the glasses I wear.
May 24 Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence. John Adams
Those of us who have chemically addicted loved ones are often devastated by unrealistic expectations. One of the greatest of these is expecting sane, rational, trusting-worthy behavior from those who may well not have it to give.
Drug addiction is a form of insanity-perhaps not the commitable kind, but it is still a disease that renders the victim incapable of functioning within the boundaries of what most would call normal. Until recovery begins, the addict is subject to a bewildering assortment of delusions, denials, manipulations, and subterfuges of every sort imaginable. In short, addicts who are still drinking or using are incapable of functioning in responsible relationships.
All the wishing in the world won’t change a thing until the drug use stops. When we expect anything more from a nonrecovering addict, we set ourselves up for heartbreak. Lest our love become madness and our faith become obstinacy, we should remember that illness is illness. Wishful thinking doesn’t cure diabetes or pneumonia either.
I must look among the healthy for healthy relationships.
May 25 Man is a slow, sloppy, and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid. William M. Kelly
Speed is what we like. Breakfast in New York, lunch in Paris, dinner in London-pretty dazzling, isn’t it? Today’s lightning-quick computers are sure to be tomorrow’s slowpokes. More must always be done and it must be sooner. We have to hurry up and find answers to important questions about cancer, world hunger, and many other critical issues. Faster-always faster.
Speedy calculations have indeed solved many problems and no doubt will solve many more. How wonderful to save lives by saving time! How marvelous to summon a world of information by just touching a keyboard! Yet we have to be careful about our love affair with speed. Speed isn’t sacred. In some areas of life, going too fast may be part of the problem.
Peace of mind is often found behind a long stretch of Slow and Stop signs. Accustomed as we are to acceleration, we have to give our hearts and spirits time to reflect, wonder, dream, grieve, rejoice. How can a reflection be rushed? We don’t dream on a tight schedule or grieve if we have some extra time. Human processes go at their own time and pace. We are not our machines. If we want to be fully human, we have to give ourselves the privilege of taking our time.
Faster isn’t always better.
May 26 Nobody loves life like an old man. Sophocies
We don’t have to be elderly to know that we are growing older. Long before is seems believable, we begin to notice that we can’t see as well, stay up as late at night, or eat the same rich foods. Just yesterday we had none of those problems! And now there seems to be an increase of memories; yesterday becomes more dear. All these changes can make us nervous and apprehensive.
Self-esteem is often a casualty in this process called aging. If we peg all value on the things of youth, then, when youth dissipates, our self-esteem will, too. But it need not be so. A retired nun recently said, “My retirement offers me a golden opportunity to enrich my life. It gives me time to treasure every moment. Now I can read and think and write letters as much as I like. I have the time I need to embrace infirmity as my body gradually diminishes.”
Like our youth, the quality of our old age is largely up to us. If it provides the leisure to cultivate an evergrowing intimacy with God, ourselves, and others, it can hardly be all bad. If with the wear and tear of the years we also get wisdom, we needn’t be so afraid to be old.
Every stage of my life offers new opportunities.
May 27 Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. “The Desiderata”
In striving to achieve any objective, knowing what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do. Before we can learn to fly, for example, we must learn how to keep the boulders out of our pockets. It would be difficult to think of any endeavor this truth applies to more than building or maintaining positive self-esteem.
Perhaps we don’t need to be told that it’s hard to be around “loud and aggressive persons.” We already find these people far worse than mere “vexations to the spirit”-they are downright killers of the spirit. Yet, because we’re trying to be good sports, perhaps, we don’t actually do what it takes to keep these people at a distance.
But some people and places are really poisonous. If we choose to get close to them we can actually get sick. These people and places leave us depressed and beat up. When we rub up against them, we come away dirtied. What we rub up against, rubs off. There is no reason good enough to justify keeping such dangerous company.
I not only have the right, but the duty, to avoid spirit killers.
May 28 Prayer begins where our power ends. Rabbi Abraham Heschel
We need prayer. That is a constant. The reason, as experienced by millions of people, is that the hurdles and obstacles we must overcome are sometimes too great for us to deal with alone. It follows then that if the rock needs to be moved, and we can’t move it by ourselves, there is only one thing to do. Get help.
Prayer is the act of reaching out for power that is greater than our own. Much like turning on a light switch, or jacking up a broken-down car, praying allows us to do our work better. So much of personal reconstruction, at least at the beginning, involves clearing old boulderlike thinking habits from the building site.
Fear of rejection or failure, difficulty in learning to feel or express feelings, undesirable habits that are as deeply etched as the lines on an elderly face-all must be confronted. A thousand times, they may have been looked at, acknowledged and then backed away from. Unmoved, they remain in place, blocking our path, waiting for us to ask the help of God as we understand him.
My power is not sufficient. I will not deny my need of help.
May 29 There is one quality more important than “know how.” This is “know what” by which we determine not only how to accomplish our purposes, but what our purposes are to be Norbert Wiener
Outstanding achievements, whether they be in science, art, education, or sports, fill us with awe and admiration. Before the breakthrough was made, we know there was a daring dream, mental dedication, and usually plenty of drudgery. Before the public acclaim, there was often private pain and discouragement. Achievers deserve their rewards.
But big-time, nationally televised achievement isn’t the only game in town. And outside goals aren’t the only targets worth shooting at. Chasing headlines, as a matter of fact, can be soul killing. Those kinds of pursuits are dogged by high-pressure problems and pitfalls that most of us will never have to worry about. Too many uncontrollable obstacles!
Character development, on the other hand, is an achievement that also takes daring and dedication. Unlike the pursuit of outside goals, however, this project is well within our control. And the reward of blossoming self-esteem is better and longer-lasting than any headline or new world record. The how of all achievements is the same; it’s only the what that varies.
My inner victories have richer rewards than any outer victory.
May 30 Great God, I ask thee for no meaner Self, than that I may not disappoint myself. Henry David Thoreau
Impulsive people act before they think, so they consequently have to “undo” a lot of what they’ve done. Counting to ten beforehand is still an excellent, if childlike, practice. We need to learn to pause a bit and think things through. If we always took that simple step before we spoke cruel words, raised our hand in anger, or made a rash decision, we’d have a lot less apologizing to do.
We could all come up with many instances when others have disappointed us. But how many times have we disappointed ourselves by impulsively, and inappropriately, lashing out? Most of us can think of many. We spanked a child, we were rude to a store clerk, we stomped out of the house over a silly point of pride. None of these over responses was necessary or fruitful. We just didn’t stop to think.
Improving our self-esteem requires that we work to control ourselves and monitor our actions. This involves avoiding impulsive mistakes that hurt others and consequently make us ashamed of ourselves. The more we practice the long pause, the better we’ll get at it. As uncomfortable as it may feel at first, constantly apologizing is even worse!
My impulsiveness fades as I grow in serenity.
May 31 Most men are in a coma when at rest and mad when they act. Epicurus
In the remark above, this ancient Greek was counseling a kind of moderation that was apparently as rare in his time as it is in ours. Some things never change. Still today, nothing very good comes from excess in either direction.
So how do we keep rest from being “coma” and activity from being “mad”? How do we find and maintain a healthy balance? Only by consistently paying attention, reflecting, and thinking through some of the whys and wherefores of our lives. That’s how we come up with sensible, valid reasons for deciding whether rest or action is appropriate in a given situation.
Many, seemingly mysterious questions about self-esteem have answers that can be understood. Questions like “Why does my self-esteem seem high at home but low at work?” “Why do some people have such a depressing effect on me?” “How do I get along again after I’ve had a setback?” aren’t really all that difficult. Not unless we’re dozing or running around in circles. If we can find the balance to sit quietly and think, most of our answers will come to us.
Good judgment is a result of calm deliberation, not frantic activity.
If esteem is the value we place on something then self-esteem, in its simplest terms, is the value we place on ourselves. Who we think we are determines how much we think we’re worth. So how do we define ourselves? We need to scrutinize our self-definitions if we want to build self-esteem. If we work off of plans for a model airplane, we’re not going to end up with a spaceship.
Suppose we wear an apron at work instead of a pinstripe suit. Do we value costumes so much that we devalue respectable work? We are not our costumes. Suppose we have spent some time in jail. Must we forever define ourselves that way-or may we now think of ourselves as free citizens getting on with our lives? “Less than” definitions must be retranslated if we want to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem is a product of positives.
Negative self-definitions lay a weak foundation for growth.
May 2 If an ass goes travelling, he’ll not come back a horse. Thomas Fuller People who’ve already worn out shoes on the recovery path have much to tell us tenderfoots about what lies ahead. “Keep on coming!” they might say. “The hills aren’t too steep and you can wade across the river!” And some of their messages are warnings: “Forget about detours. They’ll only waste your time and get you lost.” They caution us against wandering off in the wrong direction.
One of the ways newly recovering people tend to wander off is by “taking geographical.” This means looking in a different place for what we are too blind to see in our own backyards. It means moving-not to get somewhere, but to get away from somewhere. When we seek a geographical cure, we forget that the patient comes right along with us. Where we are isn’t going to transform who we are into something we’re not. Self-esteem isn’t out there waiting for us in another town or state.
To be sure, there are times when a big move is necessary. But in the early days of recovery when self-esteem is shaky, we’re usually wise to stick to the territory we know. We need to avoid detours, side trips, and meandering of any kind. We have more important things to think about than whether the sky is sunnier someplace else.
Following the advice of proven leaders can save me many a wrong turn.
May 3 God respects me when I work, but he loves me when I sing. Thai Proverbs What image does the word God conjure up? A child may think of a beneficent, white-bearded, grandfatherly being who helps find lost dogs and creates sunshine for picnics. A teenager may envision a stern judge of adolescent sexual adventures. Weary adults, if they think about God at all, may have an exaction “boss” figure in mind. More of an eagle-eye overseer than anything else.
As Ultimate Authority, the God that hovers in our subconscious may well be a composite of every authority figure we ever knew-school principal, policeman, father, job reviewer. Perhaps that’s why so many so many of us pay homage to that demanding God with unending work. We step lively to stay ahead of that report card, that evaluation, that’s sure to be coming down.
As our own self-image improves, so does our image of God become more loving. The critical taskmaster we once needed to justify our workaholism goes off on a permanent vacation. As we learn to lighten up on ourselves, we find a new God who values serenity more than sweat.
Reconsidering God is an important part of recovery.
May 4 He was afraid, but he never quit. David R. David was talking with his friends about the death of his dearly beloved son, who had died of cancer at age twenty-nine. David called his son a “courageous angel.” Courageous, because even though the David said, “but he never quit. And finally, shortly before he died, he found what he was looking for. When he died, his eyes were bathed in a peaceful light.”
David said his son was an angel because angels tell us of God. The grieving father told of how, before his son was born, he was an insensitive, self-centered man who was furious at the thought of being inconvenienced by a child. Yet the arrival of that child melted, softened, restructured his whole personality. “Like all angels,” David said tearfully, “he reflected the face of God. I have never been estranged from that face since.”
Fortunately, most of us do not need to lose a loved one to find peace, serenity, and a deeper understanding of what’s important in life. All through our lives there are opportunities for spiritual awareness and growth. Angels abound if we are but open to recognize them.
Love of others can introduce me to the love of God.
May 5 We know that habits are in control, the question is are they friend or foe? M. C. Grimmond Many of us who don’t suffer from clinical depression trudge through life in a depressive fog. Everything seems to take too much energy. Nothing seems exciting or interesting. Sunny days seem like nothing more than a prelude to the next rainstorm. And of course our self-esteem sinks as low as our spirits do.
Although a depressive attitude about life can have deeper causes, often it is simply habit. Just another bad habit like frowning or finger drumming. If we didn’t grow up around positive people, the chances are good that we learned to describe the world and everything in it in negative terms. We may have been taught to automatically distrust people and their intentions, which put a hard spin on all of our days.
Healing a habitually heavy heart can begin by simply directing our attention to everything positive that is going on around us, by counting our blessings, and by learning to say “thank you” for all that is.
Cheerfulness is as habitual as gloominess.
May 6 The one means that wins the easiest victory over reason: terror and force. Adolf Hitler Human beings are both wonderfully and awfully adaptable!
Over time, people who put up with bullying come to tolerate and then accept this sad situation. They become so accustomed to intimidation, they no longer even recognize it for what it is-a forfeit of their basic human rights. Obviously, people who live under these circumstances have only two chances for self-esteem: slim and none.
Those of us who live with people who brutalize us emotionally or physically must get honest with ourselves, that we live under spirit-crushing conditions. Facing the facts brings us one step closer to achieving some improvement.
People who are constantly taunted, teased, insulted, or threatened, let alone physically abuse, have every right to reclaim the basic human right to happiness the somehow let slip away. There is hope and help available. There is every reason to count on better days ahead if today we begin to tell the truth. Our situation is only hopeless if we deny that it exists.
I am too valuable a person to bow down in submission.
May 7 Allow me to assure you that suspicion and jealousy never did help any man in any situation. Abraham Lincoln Expecting the worst is second nature for some of us. That’s why it’s so easy for us to expect negative motives in others. But it’s just as reasonable to expect that other people are as well intentioned as we are. Both mental outlooks are just habits born of practice.
Faith in human nature bolsters our faith in our own possibilities. A generalized suspicion and distrust of other people creates enemies where no enemies exist. Why give in to that kind of defensive thinking? Why not give others the benefit of the doubt?
Abraham Lincoln was asked why he tried to make friends with his enemies, when he should be trying to destroy them. Lincoln replied that he was destroying his enemies when he made them his friends. This is a truth well worth contemplating, as we learn to make friends with ourselves.
I must look for the good in others, if I want to find it in myself.
May 8 Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them. Gail Grenier Sweet More than one person’s self-esteem has been dampened because, in comparing ourselves with other providing parents, we come up short. In a consumer society, value and love are often equate with “how much,” “how often,” and “how expensive.”
Yet the deeper truth is that material things rust and are soon put aside and forgotten. What abides are the memories of being loved. These precious recollections are the ones that we tuck away in the treasure box of our minds. We hang on to the times when we were made to feel special.
Consider your own memories. Which are the sweetest? Chances are they have little to do with things unless those things were genuine symbols of true caring. It’s much more likely that they had to do with a special nickname, a shared secret, a time when a parent was truly there for you. Our favorite Christmas or birthday memories are rarely about the things we received, but the warmth of caring behind the giving.
Gifts from my heart are more valuable than gifts from my pocket.
May 9 The fox condemns the trap, not himself. William Blake When the subject of rationalizations comes up, many of us say “Right, I know all about that.” Superficially, we well may-but it isn’t the superficial dimension that gets us into trouble. Take blaming, for example. On the face of it, blaming is just another obvious cop-out. But the real problem with blaming isn’t the finger pointing itself, it’s the pattern it sets up.
Blaming says, “It’s not my fault. I had no choice. It was done to me.” What happens when this is our habitual response to harmful situations? Are we not also saying, “Because I was the victim this time, there may well be a next time. And I won’t be responsible for that, either.”
Thus we set up an easy out for our tendency to stay in abusive situations, say yes, when we mean no; stay home “sick,” when we are really just lazy. Most of the time we do contribute to situations that diminish our self-esteem. It might not be easy, but we could assert ourselves, turn things around, if we really want to. The problem with rationalizations is that they aren’t honest, and over time they make us dishonest people.
Today I take responsibility for my own choices.
May 10 You can’t shake hands with a closed fist. Indira Gandhi Are you one who keeps a list? Many of us take very careful count of all that has been lost. With the scrupulous exactitude of resentment, we tally up every wrong that was done to us, every privilege or pleasure that we were denied, every hardship or obstacle that blocked our way. Because we make such an effort to record everything, our list grows and grows with each passing year. And the longer if gets, the better we like it. Justifying resentments can be mighty satisfying.
The problem is that list making keeps us fixated at the point of our losses. It nails us to the past, forever victimized, forever on the lookout for more of the same.
Resentment closes the hand to a fist. How can a fist reach out in friendship or reconciliation? How can a fist receive love or any other gift? A fist may be fine for clutching a grubby little pencil and slashing away at a yellowing old score card. But it closes off too many good things. Nobody ever gave anything to a fist.
Most of the items on our list may be factual. Some may even be criminal. But what real purpose is served-and what price paid-by compiling a catalog of misery? Wouldn’t it be better to let that stuff go? Bad enough that those things happened at all, worse yet that we’re still keeping them alive.
I can’t hang on to the old and reach out for the new at the same time.
May 11 The greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved, but only outgrown. Carl Jung The only way to deal with certain problems is by leaving them alone. In these situations we have to live with “what is” for a while and just wait. Like it or not, our mental health may depend on it.
Every fiber of our being may resist this wisdom. Our can-do culture tells us there is always something that must be done, and done immediately! We must attack. Fix it. Beat it to death. Do something.
Naturally, we often bring this aggressive mentality to matters affecting self-esteem. Sometimes vigorous action is indeed called for. But with many problems, there is simply no way to force a solution. Learning when to push and when to hold back can save us many heartaches.
How many late bloomers are there among us who simply outgrew their wallflower tendencies? Time took care of it. Many times an irritating coworker is transferred to another office or a nasty neighbor moves away. In time, without help from our plots and schemes, the maddening problem solved itself. In other situations it is just time and the maturity that comes with time, that turns on the light, answers the riddle, or tames some wild impulse.
Waiting is not only a legitimate option but sometimes my only option.
May 12 The maxim “Nothing avails but perfection,” may be spelled “Paralysis.” Winston Churchill People are more than just the sum of their parts. When we think of ourselves or others as just a mind, just a body, or just a bundle of emotions, we miss the whole person. In truth, we can miss the forest for our close examination of the trees.
Self-esteem is like that. We may hate our noses or our hot tempers or our pessimism, but the bottom line is how we feel about ourselves as people, not our dissected parts. While each part affects the whole, it’s the big picture that counts. If we can’t look beyond our irritating shyness or our excessive weight, we’re standing up too close to see what’s going on.
By all means, take whatever action you can against a troubling flaw. Many have lifted a sagging self-esteem by getting their bodies in shape or getting counseling to tame a negative emotional impulse. But it is always a mistake to hinge our self-esteem on the few clumsy brushstrokes in an otherwise lovely portrait.
Self-criticism robs me of more joy than criticism from others.
May 13 The value of persistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will finally hear Him. William McGill
Praying is our way of communicating with God, our way of keeping up our end of the relationship. Because words aren’t the glue that holds any relationship together, praying isn’t always the same thing as saying prayers. Praying is “being there.” It isn’t mostly talking-it’s mostly listening.
Any belief in a loving Higher Power, a “God as you understand him,” is a valuable asset to our self-esteem. Partly this is because, having no God, we must become God-the ultimate source of our own power. Whose self-image can rise to that? It doesn’t take us long in life to find many things that are beyond our power even to nudge, let alone control.
Surely a loving God wants to lead us toward greater health and happiness. After all, this is what we want for the people we love; would God want less for us? But to be led we must listen. Blasting the airways with prayers may often be less appropriate than taking time out to relax and listen.
The teacher will appear when the student is ready.
May 14 Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes are worn out. Italian Proverb
Vacillation throws a damp blanket on the fire or success and, therefore, on self-esteem. Should I or shouldn’t I? Good idea or bad idea? Now or later? Thinking about our options is one thing, but it’s quite possible to take so long deciding that some of our options run out! Sometimes that’s just what we were hoping for; when the either is removed, we’ll have to settle for the or. The decision will be made for us.
At other times, though, we know very well which way we should go. Our hearts, minds, insights, and instincts are powerfully pushing us in a certain direction. These are the times we must force our feet to move where the rest of us is leaning.
Is there an opportunity that should be pursued? A move that should be made? A word that needs to be spoken, a hand clasped? Sometimes we have to move the muscles whether we feel ready or not. If we hide in a corner for fear of taking action, our self-esteem will be crouching right down there with us.
As hard as it may be to get started, action brings relief.
May 15 Going as we do by faith and not by sight, we are full of confidence.2 Cor. 5:7
No one has such perfect foresight always to see what lies ahead, let alone around the corner. In spite of all our evidence and experience, we simply don’t know what outcomes will come to pass. Too much can happen between now and then; some of these twists and turns are beyond imagining. At times the path ahead is so murky we can only travel by the light of faith.
Who can know how a confrontation with a problematic family member will come out? Yet the good of all demands that confrontation. Will a bold new venture prove to be wise or foolhardy? But we’ve made a decision and it must be tried. Is there any guarantee that we’ll quickly find a healthy new relationship if we end a bad marriage? No, but our self-worth demands that we take the leap.
If we always waited until we could see the path, many a life-enhancing journey would never have started. We’d still be hoping for the light to improve rather than actively improving our own lives. Sometimes we just have to strike out in the dark. If we believe what we are doing is right, that faith will give us all the light we need.
Faith is a beacon that nonbelievers must do without.
May 16 Forgiveness or regret are the only choices we have. Ron Palmer
Mention skills and we usually think of things like playing a musical instrument, dancing, or cooking. We seldom think of things like attitudes that, in sum, equal self-esteem. But attitudes are skills. Perhaps one of the least mentioned is the skill of forgiveness.
There are many unfairnesses to forgive in this unfair world. Life often is frustrating and full of disappointments. At times there are genuine insults and traumatic absurdities that befall us. All are capable of destroying our self-esteem if we don’t learn to become peacemakers rather than grudge-holders.
The skill of forgiveness, like any skill, must be practiced daily. An attitude of acceptance, sailing along on the greased rails of habit, enables us to forgive life for not being what we wanted it to be. We spare ourselves much regret when we come to peaceful terms with our own personal histories. If we didn’t live up to our fondest expectations, that isn’t so bad. Even those who have done us legitimate harm can be forgiven once we realize that not forgiving only prolongs the injury.
Forgiveness unties the knot that binds me to resentment and regret.
May 17 Our unconscious is like a vast subterranean factory with intricate machinery that is never idle, where work goes on day and night from the time we are born until the moment of our death. James Harvey Robinson
Not only do we all talk to ourselves, but we do it all the time. On a deeper level of consciousness than “Where did I put my glasses?” we ask and answer questions, weigh information, and test different opinions. Our self-talk reinforces our reality to the extent that our entire self-concept and the esteem or lack thereof, that flows from that concept is continuously re-created.
Affirmations are simple statements of positive truth. When we “do” affirmations, we take charge of that critical inner dialogue. By telling ourselves, “I am worthy even when I make a mistake,” we legitimize that valid opinion whether or not we “feel” worthy at that moment. If we face ourselves in the mirror and say, “I am a lovable, competent person” we might hear an inner voice saying, “Who are you kidding?” But just the verbal expression of the positive self-definition enters an authoritative new voice into the inner dialogue.
Someone has said that affirmations are the quickest, least-bloody form of “brain surgery” ever devised. Of all the tools for self-rescue, what could be simpler or easier to use than affirmations?
I will use affirmations to reinforce realities that I know but don’t yet feel.
May 18 All people like us are We, And everyone else is They. Rudyard Kipling
Friends and family may not always be as supportive as we’d like them to be. Especially about group sharing. They may fear we’re “talking about them” or “airing dirty laundry in public.” The very idea that we identify ourselves as “recovering” people may well make them anxious, defensive, or critical.
Those who have not yet discovered the wonderful advantages of group support may see us, those who are involved in groups, as “crazy” or “in the hands of some cult.” There are personal implications, after all, when a family member or close friend admits a need, a lack, or a failing. Fear can make them frantic that they may also have a problem or shortcoming that we, the groupies, would just love to get a hold of. So threatened, they may try to tease or harass us into staying away from our groups.
In such situations, we need to stand fast. It is not true that they can handle their own problems and we can’t. They’re not healthier or stronger than we are. The only difference between people in groups and people who aren’t is that people in groups are doing something about their problems and the others aren’t. The difference is not in who is sick and who is well, but in who is taking responsibility for their lives and who is not.
All human beings share the same living problems.
May 19 Wisdom: sagacity, prudence, common sense. The American College Dictionary
There is no virtue in being foolhardy. Calculated risk is one thing, but careless risk is something else entirely. All growth requires an element of risk, of course, because growth means going where we have not been before. When we venture into new territory, it is always risky.
Most of us know that building self-esteem requires doing new things, trying new ventures, striking out in new territory-in other words, taking risks. But let us beware of jumping into hopeless situations and calling those suicide leaps “risks.” Suicides are not risks. They are certain death.
If we have learned time and time again that a certain person or situation leaves us spiritually deflated, we need to stay away. Why keep going back? How many times do we have to lose before we recognize a bad bet?
If the odds of winning are too low, a risk is not acceptable.
May 20 Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. Will Rogers
Our ignorance of various subjects is nothing to be ashamed of. Usually, an area of total ignorance has to do with lack of exposure and experience. Or it may simply have to do with lack of interest. But in any case it’s a sign of immaturity when we try to hide our ignorance or pretend to know something that, in truth, we don’t even want to know. After all, ignorance about something isn’t stupidity; it’s simply a lack of knowledge in a certain area.
We’d be a lot less embarrassed about our pockets of ignorance if we realized that everybody else is in the same boat. Why do we imagine that we’re the only ones who can’t program a VCR or assemble a bicycle? If there’s something we want to learn, we can take a class or study at home. But we shouldn’t be intimidated by our imaginings: Plenty of well-educated, sophisticated people couldn’t change a tire or make lump-free gravy if their lives depended on it!
In building self-esteem, ignorance of a nonvital subject is only dangerous when it teams up with arrogance or pretense. This deadly duo-one that makes us angry and defensive lest our ignorance be exposed, the other that turns its back on truth-handicaps our better selves.
Few people are as well rounded as I imagine most people to be.
May 21 Dear friend, theory is all grey, and the golden tree of life is green. Goethe
Marcus, a gifted psychologist, is also a full professor at a major state university. For twenty-five years he has studied, taught, and written about the workings of the human psyche. Few experts are as well grounded or up to date in their field as Marcus is.
Yet Marcus’s own life is in conflict. His stomach tells him so. In spite of all his credentials and qualifications, he has long-term, gut-level issues that aren’t relieved by research or study. For all his knowledge, he still stews in a cauldron of unresolved anger. Marcus knows enough to write a book about repressed anger and its effects, but his repressed anger continues to be a mysterious source of misery.
If life were a theory, Marcus’s analytical skills could certainly be used to untie his own knots. But life isn’t a theory, and principles aren’t the same thing as practices. Until Marcus the man, not Marcus the professor, begins to personally apply what he knows in theory, his knowledge will do his students a lot more good than it will him. Knowing isn’t doing, and it’s doing that makes the difference.
I realize that healthy living has more to do with behavior than theory.
May 22 It is easy to live for others. Everybody does. I call on you to live for yourselves. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Selfishness, of course, is not conducive to healthy self-esteem. The point is that unless we first take care of our own business we will have nothing of value to give anyone else.
Selfishness can be a superficial hiding place. It is easy to live for others, to get involved in their lives, to endlessly ruminate on what is wrong with them, and what they need to do to improve their lot. But always and endlessly dwelling on others doesn’t leave us much time to “look to our own houses.” If our energies are always visiting, who’s minding the store at home?
All real advances in self-esteem are made when we dare to deal with ourselves. Other people’s issues aren’t our affair. The real question is, what are ours? What are our own personal black clouds that keep the sun of self-esteem from shining from our lives? What character defects are making us want to run away from ourselves? What are our fears, insecurities, jealousies? These weeds must be rooted out if our garden is to grow.
Other people’s battles are not mine to fight.
May 23 The world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is. “The Desiderata”
Self-esteem is easily starved out by chronic suspiciousness. This sour-spirited attitude would have us see only what is false and deceitful about the world. It blinds the soul from any vision of beauty or perception of virtue-whether within or without. Self-esteem cannot grow in such toxic surroundings.
While it is true that “the world is full of trickery,” it is equally true that virtue abounds. And virtue has a powerful influence on our self-esteem if we aren’t too closed to appreciate it.
To overly concentrate on the world’s deceit has us constantly imputing false, shoddy motives to everyone we see or any activity we take notice of. All preachers become thieves; altruism anywhere is only someone working an angle; innocence is disguised guilt; giving is for tax purposes only; love is an illusion. Such pathological distrust must be challenged if we are to make any progress.
The world is only as dark as the glasses I wear.
May 24 Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence. John Adams
Those of us who have chemically addicted loved ones are often devastated by unrealistic expectations. One of the greatest of these is expecting sane, rational, trusting-worthy behavior from those who may well not have it to give.
Drug addiction is a form of insanity-perhaps not the commitable kind, but it is still a disease that renders the victim incapable of functioning within the boundaries of what most would call normal. Until recovery begins, the addict is subject to a bewildering assortment of delusions, denials, manipulations, and subterfuges of every sort imaginable. In short, addicts who are still drinking or using are incapable of functioning in responsible relationships.
All the wishing in the world won’t change a thing until the drug use stops. When we expect anything more from a nonrecovering addict, we set ourselves up for heartbreak. Lest our love become madness and our faith become obstinacy, we should remember that illness is illness. Wishful thinking doesn’t cure diabetes or pneumonia either.
I must look among the healthy for healthy relationships.
May 25 Man is a slow, sloppy, and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid. William M. Kelly
Speed is what we like. Breakfast in New York, lunch in Paris, dinner in London-pretty dazzling, isn’t it? Today’s lightning-quick computers are sure to be tomorrow’s slowpokes. More must always be done and it must be sooner. We have to hurry up and find answers to important questions about cancer, world hunger, and many other critical issues. Faster-always faster.
Speedy calculations have indeed solved many problems and no doubt will solve many more. How wonderful to save lives by saving time! How marvelous to summon a world of information by just touching a keyboard! Yet we have to be careful about our love affair with speed. Speed isn’t sacred. In some areas of life, going too fast may be part of the problem.
Peace of mind is often found behind a long stretch of Slow and Stop signs. Accustomed as we are to acceleration, we have to give our hearts and spirits time to reflect, wonder, dream, grieve, rejoice. How can a reflection be rushed? We don’t dream on a tight schedule or grieve if we have some extra time. Human processes go at their own time and pace. We are not our machines. If we want to be fully human, we have to give ourselves the privilege of taking our time.
Faster isn’t always better.
May 26 Nobody loves life like an old man. Sophocies
We don’t have to be elderly to know that we are growing older. Long before is seems believable, we begin to notice that we can’t see as well, stay up as late at night, or eat the same rich foods. Just yesterday we had none of those problems! And now there seems to be an increase of memories; yesterday becomes more dear. All these changes can make us nervous and apprehensive.
Self-esteem is often a casualty in this process called aging. If we peg all value on the things of youth, then, when youth dissipates, our self-esteem will, too. But it need not be so. A retired nun recently said, “My retirement offers me a golden opportunity to enrich my life. It gives me time to treasure every moment. Now I can read and think and write letters as much as I like. I have the time I need to embrace infirmity as my body gradually diminishes.”
Like our youth, the quality of our old age is largely up to us. If it provides the leisure to cultivate an evergrowing intimacy with God, ourselves, and others, it can hardly be all bad. If with the wear and tear of the years we also get wisdom, we needn’t be so afraid to be old.
Every stage of my life offers new opportunities.
May 27 Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. “The Desiderata”
In striving to achieve any objective, knowing what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do. Before we can learn to fly, for example, we must learn how to keep the boulders out of our pockets. It would be difficult to think of any endeavor this truth applies to more than building or maintaining positive self-esteem.
Perhaps we don’t need to be told that it’s hard to be around “loud and aggressive persons.” We already find these people far worse than mere “vexations to the spirit”-they are downright killers of the spirit. Yet, because we’re trying to be good sports, perhaps, we don’t actually do what it takes to keep these people at a distance.
But some people and places are really poisonous. If we choose to get close to them we can actually get sick. These people and places leave us depressed and beat up. When we rub up against them, we come away dirtied. What we rub up against, rubs off. There is no reason good enough to justify keeping such dangerous company.
I not only have the right, but the duty, to avoid spirit killers.
May 28 Prayer begins where our power ends. Rabbi Abraham Heschel
We need prayer. That is a constant. The reason, as experienced by millions of people, is that the hurdles and obstacles we must overcome are sometimes too great for us to deal with alone. It follows then that if the rock needs to be moved, and we can’t move it by ourselves, there is only one thing to do. Get help.
Prayer is the act of reaching out for power that is greater than our own. Much like turning on a light switch, or jacking up a broken-down car, praying allows us to do our work better. So much of personal reconstruction, at least at the beginning, involves clearing old boulderlike thinking habits from the building site.
Fear of rejection or failure, difficulty in learning to feel or express feelings, undesirable habits that are as deeply etched as the lines on an elderly face-all must be confronted. A thousand times, they may have been looked at, acknowledged and then backed away from. Unmoved, they remain in place, blocking our path, waiting for us to ask the help of God as we understand him.
My power is not sufficient. I will not deny my need of help.
May 29 There is one quality more important than “know how.” This is “know what” by which we determine not only how to accomplish our purposes, but what our purposes are to be Norbert Wiener
Outstanding achievements, whether they be in science, art, education, or sports, fill us with awe and admiration. Before the breakthrough was made, we know there was a daring dream, mental dedication, and usually plenty of drudgery. Before the public acclaim, there was often private pain and discouragement. Achievers deserve their rewards.
But big-time, nationally televised achievement isn’t the only game in town. And outside goals aren’t the only targets worth shooting at. Chasing headlines, as a matter of fact, can be soul killing. Those kinds of pursuits are dogged by high-pressure problems and pitfalls that most of us will never have to worry about. Too many uncontrollable obstacles!
Character development, on the other hand, is an achievement that also takes daring and dedication. Unlike the pursuit of outside goals, however, this project is well within our control. And the reward of blossoming self-esteem is better and longer-lasting than any headline or new world record. The how of all achievements is the same; it’s only the what that varies.
My inner victories have richer rewards than any outer victory.
May 30 Great God, I ask thee for no meaner Self, than that I may not disappoint myself. Henry David Thoreau
Impulsive people act before they think, so they consequently have to “undo” a lot of what they’ve done. Counting to ten beforehand is still an excellent, if childlike, practice. We need to learn to pause a bit and think things through. If we always took that simple step before we spoke cruel words, raised our hand in anger, or made a rash decision, we’d have a lot less apologizing to do.
We could all come up with many instances when others have disappointed us. But how many times have we disappointed ourselves by impulsively, and inappropriately, lashing out? Most of us can think of many. We spanked a child, we were rude to a store clerk, we stomped out of the house over a silly point of pride. None of these over responses was necessary or fruitful. We just didn’t stop to think.
Improving our self-esteem requires that we work to control ourselves and monitor our actions. This involves avoiding impulsive mistakes that hurt others and consequently make us ashamed of ourselves. The more we practice the long pause, the better we’ll get at it. As uncomfortable as it may feel at first, constantly apologizing is even worse!
My impulsiveness fades as I grow in serenity.
May 31 Most men are in a coma when at rest and mad when they act. Epicurus
In the remark above, this ancient Greek was counseling a kind of moderation that was apparently as rare in his time as it is in ours. Some things never change. Still today, nothing very good comes from excess in either direction.
So how do we keep rest from being “coma” and activity from being “mad”? How do we find and maintain a healthy balance? Only by consistently paying attention, reflecting, and thinking through some of the whys and wherefores of our lives. That’s how we come up with sensible, valid reasons for deciding whether rest or action is appropriate in a given situation.
Many, seemingly mysterious questions about self-esteem have answers that can be understood. Questions like “Why does my self-esteem seem high at home but low at work?” “Why do some people have such a depressing effect on me?” “How do I get along again after I’ve had a setback?” aren’t really all that difficult. Not unless we’re dozing or running around in circles. If we can find the balance to sit quietly and think, most of our answers will come to us.
Good judgment is a result of calm deliberation, not frantic activity.
