MAY 1 Detachment is not letting anyone else decide how you feel.
Everyone else decided how I felt for much of the first forty years of my life. It’s embarrassing to admit this, and seeing it in print is even more discomfiting. But I can’t escape who I was. Owning who we are, or were, throughout our lifetime is necessary if we want to embrace becoming someone who has another set of characteristics. Few of us will choose to stay as we were as youngsters for our entire lives; however, many of us will fear making changes of any consequence as adults. I definitely fell into this category.
I still remember so clearly trying to guess what was in someone else’s mind so what was in mine could mirror it. This way I was certain to be in that person’s favor. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be, other than a shadow of someone else. Was I always this way? I really don’t know. I do have a glimmering of having dreams for myself as a young girl, dreams that didn’t rely on others. I wrote short stories and plays in elementary school in which I solved mysteries and discovered clues no one else could find. I don’t know where that girl went, but by junior high she was gone. From then on, I got quiet and tried to fit in. That’s all. And I hoped others would not reject me. If the people around me didn’t show warm approval, I was crushed. The pain of that period was daunting, but during that time I finally learned to turn to God, and that was the lesson I needed.
I look back over my life, as you do yours, no doubt, and wonder how I got from there to here. But I know, as do you, that where we are now is where our next lessons lie. We don’t have to be afraid. Our lessons have waited for us, and we can handle whatever comes. We always did and we always will.
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No longer does anyone else have the power to control how I feel. The same is true for you. We get to decide that for ourselves. Isn’t this a great and wonderful gift?
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MAY 2 Detachment is freedom from saying, “I told you so.”
The need to be right and to point that out is extremely seductive. It’s not that being right is inherently flawed. But insisting that one is right emphatically implies that the other person is wrong, and no one wants to be labeled in that way. It’s important to allow one another to save face in all interactions.
Any two people in any conversation will quite likely have different perspectives on the topic being discussed, at times radically different. That makes for a very good conversation in most instances. Being introduced to a new way of seeing a situation is how we learn and grow. But if we are struggling to feel comfortable in our own skin, we may take exception to a viewpoint that puts ours at risk. We may see the other viewpoint as diminishing us and the other person as a bully of sorts. Fortunately, we can learn how to take differing perspectives in stride. Even more than that, we can see them as shortcuts to expanding our own breadth of understanding about how life works.
None of us has every piece of this puzzle called life. But each one of us is supplying different pieces in every conversation we are having. That all the input in each conversation is what expands the minds of every one of us is the greatest gift that results from human interaction. Knowing that we need all this input-all of it-will allow us to refrain from insisting that our input is all that’s valuable.
Needing one another, wholly, is such a blessing. And needing one another never means being more right in any conversation. It means, “thank you for your thoughts.” Nothing more.
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MAY 3 Detachment is being able to put yourself at the top of the list of “who needs care.”
Wanting to be helpful to travelers sharing our journey is not simply altruism. It’s kind and appropriate. We are in each other’s life quite intentionally, as has been said before. As the very wise men and women who speak many spiritual philosophies would say, we must give away that which we also want to keep. But caring for others should not preclude making certain we have not forgotten ourselves. Self-care needs to be at the top of one’s list, or we will fail to be present in crucial ways to all who seek our help and attention at any moment along the journey.
There are so many ways we need to care for ourselves. Getting enough rest is mandatory; exercise and healthy eating are necessary, too. Allowing for times alone with God ensures that we will have the focus and energy we need to do what really needs to be done. Having downtime to simply listen to the sounds around us and witness the colors in the landscape will offer us much quiet pleasure from which we can draw the energy needed to then witness the needs of those who walk with us, by intention.
Detaching from others and putting our needs first isn’t selfish. It’s being respectful of ourselves, which then slows us to respect others. We can’t respect others without first meeting our own needs.
Paying attention to our own needs is not selfish, but we may need to be reminded of that with some frequency. Wanting to be present to others is kind and extremely important. It’s also a gift that honors the giver as well as the receiver.
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MAY 4 Detachment is letting our friends have whatever kind of day they choose to have.
I wonder if other people struggled as much as I struggled for so many years to simply let others be. Why someone else’s behavior or demeanor affected me so much continues to plague me when I’m in that space of self-doubt. Did I simply misread the normal give-and-take that occurs between two people as evidence that I needed to do something different to make them and me alright and more comfortably in sync, fulfilling a sense of intimacy that I craved?
I don’t really need to answer this question, I’ve decided, but I do need to apply, on a nearly constant basis, what I have come to cherish as the “need to know” rule. How others are behaving is entirely of their own choosing, and if they need input from me, they can ask for it. What they are doing does not reflect on me; it doesn’t mean I am more of less worthy; it doesn’t mean my input is necessary at all. There are two kinds of business, remember: my business and none of my business. There is never confusion about where one’s attention should be. Never.
The “need to know” rule is the best of all shorthands to having a peaceful, free life. Others are on a journey, the intricacies of which we will never understand. And that is as it should be. Our own journey is enough for one mind to handle.
Letting others be is such freedom once we get the full benefit of what it can feel like. It’s not our natural inclination, initially, but it can become so with willingness.
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MAY 5 Detachment means acknowledging and even celebrating another’s unique journey.
We aren’t travelling side by side in order to keep tabs on each other, although the impulse to do so may be great. Getting sucked into someone else’s journey is powerful and can become a habitual, always unhealthy response. And it’s never our purpose here to be in charge of someone else. Our own life slides quietly by when we are obsessing over how someone else is living theirs.
Time has been a good teacher for me, however. Time, coupled with the daily application of the principles I learned in Twelve Step rooms-principles that have changed every aspect of how I see my life and how I see the others in my life too-have offered me a freedom and a trust in God as the true orchestrator, not only for my life but for your life too.
Trust is the key word in allowing others to enjoy their own journeys. Believing, as I have come to believe, that no experience is accidental, means I can trust that everyone else’s journey is exactly as it has been ordered to be. And I am not the one who ordered it! My presence on the scene is to acknowledge it, that’s all. This is a big relief, isn’t it? We are where we are, doing what we are doing, appreciating one another as witnesses to the journey. What could be better than that? And what could be more important?
Standing off to the side and appreciating the joy or being present for the sorrow of another person’s life is the most important gift we can ever offer someone. Trusting that wherever we are is the place where we can do this best simplifies our life.
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MAY 6 Detachment is no longer “dancing” around someone else’s life.
Wanting to be central to someone else’s life or wanting someone else to be the exclusive core of your life are common traits of the classic codependent. It’s an extremely restrictive way to live, one that doesn’t allow for the kind of spontaneity that is necessary. Dancing around others means we are paying attention primarily to their live, not to our own. We are living in their present moment, not our own.
Most of us do this at some point, maybe even for an extended period of time. But the sooner we see the downside of living another person’s present moment and start living our own, the sooner we will discover the real peace and joy we are meant to experience.
We can appreciate the lives that others are experiencing; indeed, that’s honoring them in an important way, and we can even be dance partners in our shared moments. We simply can’t lay aside our own present moments and the lessons contained within them, and expect to live to our fullest potential, an expectation that is ingrained in us and, if ignored, will cause us dis-ease.
It’s not easy to detach, to live only our own life and yet remain a part of the community around us. But we can learn how to respect, appreciate, and honor one another without being subsumed by the dance another person must do. When we discover how easy it is to live alongside our loved ones, we will grow in our appreciation of their moments right along with our own.
Loving the moment we are living right now is the kindest way to spend our life. It will teach us everything we need to know and will give us every opportunity we need to dance the dance that is ours and only ours.
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MAY 7 Detachment is no longer needing to assuage anyone else’s anger.
Because I grew up in a household where anger was a dominant theme, I learned to slip away, emotionally and physically, so that I didn’t become the brunt of it. I also became very practiced at trying to relieve the after effects. Although I did come to understand the physic impetus for the anger, my education didn’t come soon enough. Thus, for far too many years I practiced anger myself. We do learn how to be by what we see.
It became second nature to me to either be angry or to try to alleviate someone else’s anger. Either way, the underlying fear I had about living, day to day, was overwhelming. The fireball of anxiety I experienced from childhood until my forties prompted many reactions from me in all my primary relationships, and few of those reactions were pretty. My relationships were fraught with struggle because of my attempts to fix situations, to change a person, or to plead for forgiveness and acceptance. My fear of rejection was all-consuming at times, so I used all these responses interchangeably. As I recount these things from my past, I stand amazed that who I was has become who I now am. That’s the very good news for all of us: we all are works in progress.
Being able to let others have their feelings, regardless of what those feelings are, is perhaps the greatest gift we can offer ourselves on a daily basis. While it’s true that some feelings expressed by others are easier to walk away from than anger, all feelings can be equally accepted if we remember what our real job is: detachment.
Not needing to try to change anyone else allows us far more time to work on the details of our own lives. And that’s quite enough for any one person.
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MAY 8 Detachment is being able to claim our own identities.
None of us is beyond being influenced by the presence of others: their traits, their opinions, their speech patterns, even their mannerisms. And there is nothing wrong with adopting some of the characteristics of others as our own. It has been said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But letting the behavior of others determine our own behavior in every respect means we are hollow shells, simply waiting for the presence of others to determine who we will be in the next moment.
It’s not always easy to figure out who we want to be, particularly if we grew up in a family that didn’t encourage self-exploration or self-expression. But it’s never too late to imagine a new kind of life for ourselves, a new kind of commitment for the future we’d like to experience. What will unfold, eventually, is what we expect. Our minds are powerful. We can change how we see our lives as well as how we live them by a simple change of attitude, here and now.
How exciting to realize that no one is holding us back any more but ourselves. If we want to make waves, we can. If we want to depart from who we have been, even for decades, we can. If we want to create an entirely new persona, we have the right to do that too. Our dreams are the only materials we need to fashion a new beginning.
Having a dream for where to go next is the fist major step to getting there. It’s never too late to learn to dream. Never.
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MAY 9 Detachment is accepting what we cannot change and changing only what we can.
This principle has a familiar ring to, doesn’t it! It sounds a bit like the Serenity Prayer. Knowing the difference between what we can change and what’s not our business to try to change make the difference between having a peaceful moment or a frustration one. The pull to try to change others can be excruciatingly strong, particularly if we have convinced ourselves that we did it successfully in the past. But we did no such thing. Others might have changed, and they might have done exactly as we’d hoped, but it wasn’t because of us. People change only because they see a benefit in it.
Having assumed success in the past is an unfortunate assumption because it seduces us into continuing our efforts to control the behaviors of others in the present. Everyone becomes frustrated when this is the approach we take in our relationships.
Control never bears fruit for long, and it will always cause conflict and pain.
Coming to appreciate the freedom we get when we detach, when we give up the attempt to change others, is not immediate perhaps, but the more we practice looking the other way when others are present, the greater will be our own peace of mind. It comes incrementally. And every peaceful moment will serve as the carrot to lead us to make this choice again and again. Everyone wants to know peace. We can be peacemakers by backing off when our own business isn’t central to the activity before us.
Detachment is the solution to most of our relationship problems. Actually, I am inclined to say all of them, but absolutes can be hard to fathom. Just trust that letting go is the way to go.
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MAY 10 Detachment is not taking anyone else’s behavior personally.
Many of us were raised in homes replete with angst and strife, where it was difficult to discern the line between their words and actions and our worthiness. In many instances, there was no line. We were scapegoats for all the problems that surfaced in the family. That characterization may have followed you into relationship after relationship. That’s not unusual. But it’s not how you have to perceive yourself for the rest of your life. Having chosen to read these meditations suggests that if this has been your life story up to now, you are committed to changing it, from this day forward. Hallelujah!
The behavior we experience or observe up close or even from afar need not reflect on us. That’s not an easy idea to internalize, perhaps. I, for one, lived many decades of my life letting others’ behavior dictate who I was and how I should feel. My self-esteem was deplorable. Did others expect me to absorb their outbursts? I don’t think so, but my family of origin had passed on to me that which they had learned from their parents. That’s how the torch gets passed. Another person’s behavior defined them. Period. Taking what they do as an assessment of who we are is missing the entire point of why we are sharing the journey.
We share the journey to learn from one another-to live in concert but not in the shadow of one another. To join our minds in the moment for the sheer joy of connection. That is the main reason to be grateful, in fact. We are here as way-showers and companions. Let’s stick with that and nothing more.
Others do that they do because of who they are and the journey they are on. It’s our opportunity to observe from afar or up close, knowing that we can share a moment and then move on to the next moment and the gift it is waiting to offer.
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MAY 11 Detachment is no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Being at the mercy of the many individuals who will cross our path on any single day is simply exhausting. Some people will be kind; with them our interactions will be pleasant. Others will be dismissive. Many will choose not to hear us, regardless of what we are saying, and we fill feel judged. A few will be genuinely grateful that we are sharing their journeys, and their response to us will make us feel appreciated and energized.
Because of these varied responses, however, we must not get caught in the web of letting how anyone receives us determine how we feel or how we might determine our next move. Waiting for anyone to treat us well is like waiting for the sun to come out on a cloudy day. We can’t control the behavior of others. We can decide our own best response to every situation, though, and that means we are free from the effects of life’s uncertainties.
Choosing our own reactions, our own thoughts in every encounter, will empower us to meet any circumstance that comes our way. Getting a taste of empowerment is all it takes for most of us to refrain from allowing the behavior of others to define us. I never thought I could master this tool, but I have. So can you!
There is not a direct correlation between what someone else does and what you and I choose to do. Let’s choose wisely and live more peacefully.
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MAY 12 Detachment is letting things rest.
What does it mean to let things rest? I didn’t grasp this principle very quickly. I figured that if I presented my point of view my
judgment about anything, in a little different way, I’d be able to convince you that your way of thinking or seeing was faulty, or at the least, not as good as mine. I was often relentless. But no matter how persistent I was, I was not able to make others change. My family continued to favor their own opinions, my husband continued to drink, and my friends simply stayed away.
I’d like to say that now, after years of practicing a new way of living, I always let things rest after a first or second attempt to change someone’s opinion, but that would be dishonest. Sometimes I still persist; occasionally I am still relentless. But I have made progress. That’s all any of us can be certain of when we make the effort to change a behavior. Progress is actually the beginning of anyone’s story of success. I am creating mine. With effort we can all do it.
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Letting things rest, surrendering to the Power guiding every one of us, offers such wonderfully relaxing, peaceful moments. Experiencing the joy of this even one a day is sure to convince us that making a practice of it will embolden us, day in and day out, to repeat it again and again.
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MAY 13 Detachment is being able to move our minds away from the unhealthy places they want to go.
It’s a thrilling realization to know that we are in control of our minds. For some, this comes as a surprise. Minds just seem to contain information willy-nilly. I, for one, was quite convinced for many years that others had the power to create, maintain, or change the thoughts in my mind. I willingly gave to others power over my mind on a regular basis. If someone looked at me disapprovingly, or didn’t notice me at all, which was more often the case, I was shattered and my self-assessment was rewritten.
The healthiest place for one’s mind to be is on the power and presence of God as we understand Him or Her. Keeping our mind there means we will know the next right thing to say, the next right thing to do, the next right and healthy thing to think. But it’s natural to wonder why our minds even want to dwell in unhealthy places. I think the answer is that the ego is most comfortable there and it has a stranglehold on many of us. The ego’s power to divert us from our true path is only as great as our attention to that voice that hollers angry, negative directives.
There are two voices in our minds: a quiet, loving voice and a loud, generally spiteful voice. The latter will always direct us to the unhealthy place, but we can learn to detach from that voice and to relish the quiet one instead. Prayer will always lead us back to where we want to be.
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Prayer is the answer in all stressful situations. We might not get an answer right away, but we will get quiet relief from a mind that is careening out of control Praise be to God, as is so often said.
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MAY 14 Detachment is being able to stop our minds in mid thought when the thoughts are not beneficial.
Not being at the mercy of our thoughts is akin to not being at the mercy of the reactions we get from others regarding our thoughts. Our thoughts are what we have created them to be, and it’s foolish to ever say, “I can’t help it, that’s just how I am,” in regard to any thought or situation that has ensnared us. Indeed, we have willingly adopted every thought we harbor.
We are always very much in control of what we say, think, and do. This idea has been expressed time and again in this book, but it bears repeating because we are so quick to give in to the idea that we can’t take charge of who we are becoming. Every thought we entertain is, in fact, molding us into the people we are. We are works in progress, some say, and that’s good: it means we don’t have to be perfect. Simply deciding to monitor our thoughts, to change their focus, and to quash any one of them that doesn’t add to the peace and joy of the world around us is an excellent contribution we might consider making on a daily basis.
There is great joy in the practice of stopping a negative thought midsentence and refocusing it. Not being in its clutches gives us hope for any number of changes we might want to make in our lives. This is a simple place to being; our mind is constantly thinking, after all. And we can be constantly refocusing.
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We might all agree that we harbor many not-so-beneficial thoughts. That’s the bad news, perhaps. But the story doesn’t end there, and that’s the good new. We can change our negative thoughts, one and all. Today is a great day to begin the practice.
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MAY 15 Detachment is no longer living in the tumultuous spaces of other peoples’ minds.
One of the first things handed to me by my sponsor when I got sober was the AA acceptance pamphlet. She told me, “Read it and believe every word; it will change your life.” I did read it, over and over; I even tucked it under my pillow. But I still had trouble staying out of the minds of others. And I was extremely good at letting those same others live, rent free, in my mind. Discerning who I was and who others were had always been blurred for me. I so wanted to belong that allowing myself to live in
the midst of others’ minds and vice versa seemed better than not knowing where I lived at all. Fortunately, those days are long gone now.
But when someone is vulnerable due to illness, lack of rests, an unhealthy diet, an emotional upset of some kind, or even a mild affront by a friend or partner, it’s easy to fall back and repeat our earlier responses to unfriendly situations confronting us. Climbing back into someone else’s mind isn’t that difficult, unfortunately. Staying there for as long as we did before is unlikely, however. That’s the payoff from incorporating new information and practicing a new set of behaviors.
To the uninitiated, accepting others as they are with no hope of changing them may seem like a joyless way to live. But, on the contrary, it’s the only way to actually experience lasting joy.
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I will let others be and enjoy them for who they are. My lesson is to let go. Every day, anew, this is the lesson: to let go.
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MAY 16 Detachment doesn’t mean separation from our loved ones. It means acceptance of who and what they are.
I used to think that detachment meant I had to separate myself completely from the person who was getting too much of my attention. I didn’t seem able to let someone be in my life without them taking over my life. Therefore, my only alternative was to deny or ignore their presence altogether, which meant I wasn’t able to claim the lessons I had been destined to receive from that person,
Our loved ones cry out to be accepted by us, and we never refuse to accept people as they are, we are creating a separation that breeds ill will along with illness. The desire, in fact the need, to join with others les deep within us, but we can deny that call. And when we do, we fail ourselves, one another, and the entire human community.
We so easily misconstrue the meaning of detachment. It’s not about denying the presence or the importance of anyone. It’s not about moving on without our loved ones. It’s not about judgment. Detachment is about taking care of ourselves and letting others do the same. Freedom for all is detachment in action.
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Detachment doesn’t preclude joining with our loved ones. But distinct separation will result in our relationships being harmed. The better choice between the two is clearly discernible.
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MAY 17 Detachment is a gift to one and all.
Many of us go through life connected at the hip, so to speak, with someone we consider special and “ours.” If we aren’t attached” to someone, we feel unworthy. Our journey is about coming to understand that attaching ourselves to God is what promises us the worthiness and security we seek, and this realization will change every experience, every day.
God’s grace, which is our gift, is what allows us to know and appreciate detachment. His grace moves us from where we are at any moment to a very soft and secure place. God’s presence is certain. The presence of others can be fleeting.
Needing others on our journey does not mean that we are lesser beings and have no life of our own. Indeed, having a rich and full life of our own is the very gift we bring to those special relationships that attract our attention.
For decades I have pondered why so many feel that without a life partner they are nothing. The answer may vary for different people, but I think at one time in my life it was because I felt invisible, even among friends, and I wanted one person, at the very least, to make me feel important. So when that person showed up, I clung. My attachment suffocated him and the relationship. I was a very slow learner; I suffocated many before I learned the value of detachment. Now I treasure being able to let God give me all the comfort and security I need.
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Detachment is a gift that benefits everyone. Not being the constant focus of someone else is freeing. Not making someone else our “assignment” lets us live the life we are here to live.
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MAY 18 Detachment never means being rude or dismissive.
For some, the idea of detachment may be elusive. It’s a word that’s more common in some circles than others. When I first heard the term, I assumed that shunning other was a reasonable way to express detachment. I had no idea that it was actually an act of love. I thought criticism might fit with the idea of detachment, but seeing detachment as allowing a person to be who he or she needed to be, without interference, without being judged or put down or ignored, were all very new ideas for me to incorporate.
But I am incorporating them, and my life is being transformed. What a pleasure to make the decision to refrain from criticizing others for who they are. I can’t say I succeed 100 percent of the time. But I am adding many moments of peace to the world I
inhabit by the many times I choose to think a thought that pleases God, rather than one I might have chosen to think before being introduced to the principle of detachment. Initially, letting others be, without comment from me, is truly an act of will, but in time it becomes an act of choice. The benefits are immeasurable.
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Giving up being rude simplifies our lives. Letting God direct our thoughts simplifies them even more. It is God’s hope that we let others be. That’s detachment.
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MAY 19 Detachment is a growth opportunity that we can claim every day of our lives.
The celebration of detachment is not what I sought when first introduced to the concept. I didn’t want to be detached. I wanted to be attached. To me, that meant I was “chosen,” and there was really nothing more important to me at the time. Celebrating my life as a woman with specific gifts and goals didn’t seem inclusive enough. I wanted others to be with me, living my life every step of the way for validation. Not until my forties did I see the value of living in concert, in sync, but not enmeshed with that special other person.
What I see now is that we can walk among others and have our own life intact. We can allow others to do and be whomever God is calling them to be. We can witness them but not expect them to turn their life and will over to us. This means we will be able to see all the other invitations that might be swimming our way. When we are too involved in the life of someone else, perhaps demanding that they be a constant part of our life, we will never experience the individual growth we deserve.
Being detached doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean feeling no connection to someone else. It is not a way to distance ourselves from others. It is an expression of honest love for both of us in the relationship. This is such good news when we finally are able to hear it and absorb it. Witnessing is the gift; detachment is the tool.
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Are you ready to grow today in whatever way God is calling YOU? Unless you are living a life free from the obsession with others, you will miss one opportunity after another, and most will never come again.
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MAY 20 Detachment is not to be confused with disloyalty.
Trusting in the process of letting others have the growth they are here to experience is freedom for all concerned. Unfortunately, I have many memories of wanting to hold someone back from an experience they were ready for. My lack of trust in their process occurred because I didn’t trust that my Higher Power was part of my process. I planned my life around them and if they were moving on, or if I was, what would happen to us?
Fortunately, I have finally claimed detachment as one of my most treasured assets. I am not always good at it; I do still want to control fear too often. But I had to learn that detachment didn’t mean turning my back on someone before I could learn to feel good about adding it to my repertoire of characteristics. It has freed me and my loved ones in ways that neither I nor they could have imagined.
I sometimes wonder how my earlier relationships might have fared had I known then what I love knowing and living now. But I do also believe that we are always where we need to be, learning the lessons we are ready for. In earlier relationships I simply wasn’t ready for the information I now cherish. There is no need for remorse. We were only ready for what we were ready for.
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Deciding to trust that everyone has their own Higher Power frees us to listen to ours. We can’t know what’s right for someone else. And letting them find their own way, without our input, is not being disloyal; on the contrary, its being respectful.
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MAY 21 Detachment from the problems of others is God’s will. They and God will solve what needs to be solved.
Remembering that everyone has his or her own Higher Power relieves us of so much stress. Taking on someone else’s problems, even when they touch us in some way, is not necessary. That’s what God is for. God is waiting to be called on. Our Higher Power is always just a prayer, an idea, or a question away.
Why is this so hard to remember? Even after we glimpse the power of this truth, we have to be willing to pray, asking God for the help we need that has already been promised to us. God knows our needs. But it’s helpful for us to think them or voice them so that we know them too. That way we can recognize when the help has arrived.
The same is true for our companions. Their problems are for God to solve. We are not participants in their solutions. We can listen, we can share what has worked for us, we can pray with them. But we are not here to convey god’s will.
Watching others discover the power inherent in prayer lets us witness the power inherent in our detachment from them as they seek their own solutions. All of us are emboldened by the success that any one of us has with both prayer and detachment. Prayer and detachment complement each other.
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When we need guidance, we seek God’s will. When we need comfort, we seek God’s presence. When we seem called to solve a problem for someone else, we let them go to God. In that way, all will be served.
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MAY 22 Detachment is one of the most loving of all our actions.
How does staying uninvolved with the situations in others’ lives seem loving? I spent years assuming the opposite was true. I was very clever at wiggling my wiy into one life or another. Not being involved with the problems of the many people on my path felt unsympathetic and selfish. It also felt lonely. Perhaps my loneliness was what truly initiated my clinging to others.
Being told that detaching from the lives of others, their problems, and their cries for help is the best, most loving response we can make seems farfetched, doesn’t it? It took the wisdom of many voices to convince me that this was my best response to the people and situations I so frequently found myself in.
I do think we find ourselves in circumstances where we can best learn what’s needed for the next leg of our journey. I can’t be more grateful than I am for having learned the joy that accompanies the act of detachment. To be honest, at one time I didn’t think detaching from the lives of problems of others was ever going to be worth my effort. How wrong I was. It has taught me love-how to express it, how to receive it, how to savor it.
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Love comes in many forms. One of the most helpful forms for all the companions we will know today or any day is detachment. It’s what gives us the most freedom and ultimately the most wisdom too. God lives in the tiny spaces of our letting go.
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MAY 23 Detachment empowers.
We all have dreams. Some of us have bigger dreams than others. My husband’s was to build an experimental aircraft, which he is currently doing. I have one friend whose dream is to run a marathon, and she is training for her first on at age sixty-one. My aunt’s dream was to live until she was one hundred. She made it, just shy by two months, but she told us all she was one hundred anyway. In her mind, she had made it. And my mother’s dream was to learn to drive; at age fifty-two she took lessons, secretly, and surprised all of us.
My dream is to continue writing until the day I die. I am reminded of Frida Kaholo and how she painted lying down when she was in too much pain to stand or sit. It was her dream to simply keep painting.
The dream that any one of us has can best come to fruition if we have clear boundaries between what is ours to do and what belongs to others. When the boundaries are clear, we are empowered to follow our passions. We simply can’t follow our bliss if we are tied to the dreams or problems of others. Therefore, detachment is a necessary tool and one that we must practice repeatedly if we really want to fulfill our own dreams.
Remember, when someone else is following his or her own bliss, it does not mean we don’t matter to them. It’s really a gift for any of us when we are following our dream. But our minds can’t be two places at once.
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Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. That’s why they have visited us. The only thing standing in our way is our over-involvement in the lives of others. Detach and watch the dream unfold.
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MAY 24 Detachment offers us freedom from blame.
To blame others for what is not going right in our life is such a temptation. I blamed others for years. I saw it practiced in my home and with friends. It simply became habitual, thoughtlessly habitual, and it’s a very difficult habit to break. What has successfully worked for me, much of the time, is the decision to remain quiet, to detach from the person or the situation that is getting under my skin. I didn’t believe this choice was a viable one for many years. It did take focused effort and many hours of practice –many years of practice. But I have made progress.
Choosing to forego blame actually feels very good. Taking responsibility for what we have done and letting others off the hook when they aren’t ready to do the same is really very freeing. Having made a practice of letting others do and be whatever appeals to them is a gift ot ourselves and to them, a gift that simply changes every aspect of our journey.
We are here to watch and learn. We are here to bless and witness. We are here to offer guidance when sought. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope. Our purpose is never to blame. Everyone is stuck in an old perspective, a place where growth can’t happen, if we are caught in the web of blaming.
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We can break free from blaming any time we want. The door to a new way of seeing and behaving is always open.
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MAY 25 Detachment is like a breath of fresh air.
This may seem like an unusual way to describe detachment, but when I practice detachment, if feels as though I am letting my shoulders relax and simply breathing deeply after trying to hold on to the unmanageable. Hanging on to others, in any fashion, will never be successful. We can’t hold back their minds, their actions, their opinions. Letting go fo every aspect of whom someone else chooses to be is not easy, but it’s so rewarding, once we get accustomed to it.
It makes our own lives so much simpler when we let those who walk among us do whatever they want to do. Now, of course, when our offspring are young, we can’t let them be unsupervised. But it’s folly to think that we will be able to control their every move. Their own free will will surface quite regularly, just as ours continues to do. But our acknowledging that it’s okay for them and all others to listen to guiding voices different from our own results in many opportunities for gratitude. Being grateful for even the tiny experiences that we have with letting others be, letting others do that which they feel called to do, even if it proves to be wrong in the long run, is the breath of fresh air we deserve.
There are many gifts that come with detachment. Relaxation is one of them. Freedom from stress is another. A quiet mind is perhaps the best of all. Gratitude becomes all-encompassing when we really let others live their own lives. I am so glad I made a commitment to this practice.
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The commitment to detach from the lives of others begins with a decision. It’s a decision we can make moment by moment. Yet it is life changing.
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MAY 26 Prayer is an effective way to help us detach from the behavior of others.
We can only hold on to one thought at a time. Making the one though we are dwelling on a prayer in a time of turmoil means we can’t be thinking that someone ought to be doing something they aren’t currently doing. This is a great shorthand way of changing wo we are and how every moment feels. This is not to imply that we need to be in silent repose all day. But rather, when we begin to harbor thoughts about anyone else, thoughts that aren’t loving, gentle, and accepting, it’s time to ask God for another thought. Prayer can be quick and simple. We can do it with our eyes open as well as closed.
Knowing that detachment happens most effectively when we are in partnership with God gives me great relief. There are simply too many things that are hard to handle all alone. And what I’ve learned from my may years on this spiritual path is that none of them will be very effectively translated into a peaceful life if I ignore the help from God, as I understand Him or Her, that’s available just as soon as I seek it.
It’s important to acknowledge the many others who are traveling with me, too. They are not accidental travelers accompanying me on this path. It’s by design; it’s all by design. And that’s the best news of all. It makes detachment even easier, don’t you agree?
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Prayer is the solution. Detachment is the tool. Peace of mind is the gift.
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MAY 27 Unless we practice detachment, we will find ourselves reacting many times a day.
Choosing a right action is always preferable to falling into an automatic reaction. But the latter is the common response for many of us. For years, I constantly reacted to what people were doing or saying. I reacted to their opinions and tried to make mine similar where possible or to convince them to change theirs. I made many important decisions about very personal details of my life in reaction to the decisions others were making. I didn’t take stock of me and what I wanted. Frankly, I wasn’t sure how one did that. I tried to be what someone else thought I should be. It got me drunk, It got me divorced! It got me depressed, lonely, and confused.
Not everyone has had results like mine, perhaps, but no one has a fully productive or peaceful life if he or she is simply trying to fit in in order to be accepted. Perhaps growing up in a family that didn’t value independence contributed to my codependency regarding the opinions and actions of others. But there is no blame to be laid. I did what I did. And I’d say the end result has been very good.
It’s interesting how we end up where we actually need to be. Writing this book and the many that preceded it are the results of the many struggles I had. Today I can truly say that I am grateful. I am also truly grateful to have learned the true nature and value of detachment. I know, without contradiction, that practicing detachment is the only way I can fully live the life I am here to live.
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Reacting to others is exhausting, in the final analysis. And it’s habitual. But so is the practice of detachment, and it’s guaranteed to make us feel peaceful.
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MAY 28 When we practice detachment, we serve as great teachers to others.
We are reminded in the words of many spiritual guides that we are in the role of either teacher or student in every moment of time. And we switch, rather quietly, between one and other. It’s probable that we aren’t even certain which role we are in at a particular time: the difference between the two is subtle. But also, we don’t necessarily know what our companion has been sent to learn.
Modeling detachment, however, is one of the most important tools we can pass on to others, regardless of who our companions are. It’s not that we should be unaffected or uninfluenced by those around us, particularly when acts of love and gratitude are being expressed. But allowing behavior of any kind to determine how we feel makes us constantly dependent on others. As I’ve already said, we do share a path with people we need to learn from, but the path we share is a two-way street. We are both giving and receiving from one another. Constantly.
The idea of practicing detachment is such a gentle one, isn’t it? It allows us to be imperfect. Because we don’t detach perfectly, even for a few hours at a time, we can begin again the next day. No harm has been done, really. We can forgive ourselves for going where we didn’t need dto go, and then take each new experience as it presents itself and practice detachment again, one experience and one person at a time.
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The freedom we are promised when we practice detachment is unfathomable to most. We must experience it in order to believe it. Perhaps today is a good day to begin making the changes that will really matter in our lives tomorrow.
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MAY 29 If we become too detached, will others leave us behind?
Clinging in order to keep a partner from straying is common to many women and men. But since fear drives this kind of behavior, it really doesn’t prevent the very thing we are afraid of; in fact, it might even trigger it. Not only have I had personal experience with this, but I have known dozens of others who have been certain that the right word, the right action or reaction, or the right gift would make another feel indebted for life. But to no avail. In other words, attachment does not prevent a person from leaving. This brings us to detachment.
Will the expression of detachment, boldly stated by one’s actions, lead to being left behind? I certainly can’t answer this with absolute assurance, but my experience, my interactions with others on many levels, my path of spiritual enlightenment, have led me to believe that people leave because they must. It’s not what we do or say that drives a person away. What one has needed to learn has been learned, and the time is right to move on.
This might seem to be a cold assessment, but I think that looking at this principle objectively allows us to see that there is usually no harm intended, not really, when one moves on. Our commitment to detachment allows us to let others go without our feeling so personally rejected. Our teachers are everywhere. Learning to say good-by, without rancor, is growth.
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Detachment doesn’t push people away. It frees all of us. Let’s not forget that.
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MAY 30 The most loving thing we can do is let another person be free; that’s detachment.
Buying flowers for a friend is certainly loving. So is buying lunch for a special occasion. Making a phone call or sending an email just to say hello is a sign of caring too. There are multiple ways of expressing love, many of which we utilize regularly. But letting someone go, to be free to do whatever he or she wants to do, which may be the hardest of all our expressions, is the clearest sign of love we can offer. It says, “I trust you to do what you need to do.”
It’s not easy to detach from the movements of others. Far too often we rely on their presence to complete us. But holding someone back from the experiences he or she may be ready for puts us in charge of another’s growth. It’s a behavior that will also come back to bite us if the person misses an opportunity that he has longed for. We simply must let people evolve as they desire. That doesn’t mean they might not get burned, but at least we are not holding the flame.
Detaching from the changes others may need to make may never be easy, at least not initially But it does get easier. And it does feel better than clinging to the object of our affection. We can’t have the life we need if we are too wrapped up in the life someone else needs. Letting them go accomplishes two things: it allows us and the other person to soar.
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We may not realize that we also need to be free, but when we begin to experience it on a more regular basis we will realize what we had been missing. And we will not want to go back to the way things were before.
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MAY 31 Detachment is practiced moment by moment.
It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise. It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it. We must be willing to make it, however.
If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always experienced. Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank god for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do. All theses steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
Everyone else decided how I felt for much of the first forty years of my life. It’s embarrassing to admit this, and seeing it in print is even more discomfiting. But I can’t escape who I was. Owning who we are, or were, throughout our lifetime is necessary if we want to embrace becoming someone who has another set of characteristics. Few of us will choose to stay as we were as youngsters for our entire lives; however, many of us will fear making changes of any consequence as adults. I definitely fell into this category.
I still remember so clearly trying to guess what was in someone else’s mind so what was in mine could mirror it. This way I was certain to be in that person’s favor. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be, other than a shadow of someone else. Was I always this way? I really don’t know. I do have a glimmering of having dreams for myself as a young girl, dreams that didn’t rely on others. I wrote short stories and plays in elementary school in which I solved mysteries and discovered clues no one else could find. I don’t know where that girl went, but by junior high she was gone. From then on, I got quiet and tried to fit in. That’s all. And I hoped others would not reject me. If the people around me didn’t show warm approval, I was crushed. The pain of that period was daunting, but during that time I finally learned to turn to God, and that was the lesson I needed.
I look back over my life, as you do yours, no doubt, and wonder how I got from there to here. But I know, as do you, that where we are now is where our next lessons lie. We don’t have to be afraid. Our lessons have waited for us, and we can handle whatever comes. We always did and we always will.
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No longer does anyone else have the power to control how I feel. The same is true for you. We get to decide that for ourselves. Isn’t this a great and wonderful gift?
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MAY 2 Detachment is freedom from saying, “I told you so.”
The need to be right and to point that out is extremely seductive. It’s not that being right is inherently flawed. But insisting that one is right emphatically implies that the other person is wrong, and no one wants to be labeled in that way. It’s important to allow one another to save face in all interactions.
Any two people in any conversation will quite likely have different perspectives on the topic being discussed, at times radically different. That makes for a very good conversation in most instances. Being introduced to a new way of seeing a situation is how we learn and grow. But if we are struggling to feel comfortable in our own skin, we may take exception to a viewpoint that puts ours at risk. We may see the other viewpoint as diminishing us and the other person as a bully of sorts. Fortunately, we can learn how to take differing perspectives in stride. Even more than that, we can see them as shortcuts to expanding our own breadth of understanding about how life works.
None of us has every piece of this puzzle called life. But each one of us is supplying different pieces in every conversation we are having. That all the input in each conversation is what expands the minds of every one of us is the greatest gift that results from human interaction. Knowing that we need all this input-all of it-will allow us to refrain from insisting that our input is all that’s valuable.
Needing one another, wholly, is such a blessing. And needing one another never means being more right in any conversation. It means, “thank you for your thoughts.” Nothing more.
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MAY 3 Detachment is being able to put yourself at the top of the list of “who needs care.”
Wanting to be helpful to travelers sharing our journey is not simply altruism. It’s kind and appropriate. We are in each other’s life quite intentionally, as has been said before. As the very wise men and women who speak many spiritual philosophies would say, we must give away that which we also want to keep. But caring for others should not preclude making certain we have not forgotten ourselves. Self-care needs to be at the top of one’s list, or we will fail to be present in crucial ways to all who seek our help and attention at any moment along the journey.
There are so many ways we need to care for ourselves. Getting enough rest is mandatory; exercise and healthy eating are necessary, too. Allowing for times alone with God ensures that we will have the focus and energy we need to do what really needs to be done. Having downtime to simply listen to the sounds around us and witness the colors in the landscape will offer us much quiet pleasure from which we can draw the energy needed to then witness the needs of those who walk with us, by intention.
Detaching from others and putting our needs first isn’t selfish. It’s being respectful of ourselves, which then slows us to respect others. We can’t respect others without first meeting our own needs.
Paying attention to our own needs is not selfish, but we may need to be reminded of that with some frequency. Wanting to be present to others is kind and extremely important. It’s also a gift that honors the giver as well as the receiver.
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MAY 4 Detachment is letting our friends have whatever kind of day they choose to have.
I wonder if other people struggled as much as I struggled for so many years to simply let others be. Why someone else’s behavior or demeanor affected me so much continues to plague me when I’m in that space of self-doubt. Did I simply misread the normal give-and-take that occurs between two people as evidence that I needed to do something different to make them and me alright and more comfortably in sync, fulfilling a sense of intimacy that I craved?
I don’t really need to answer this question, I’ve decided, but I do need to apply, on a nearly constant basis, what I have come to cherish as the “need to know” rule. How others are behaving is entirely of their own choosing, and if they need input from me, they can ask for it. What they are doing does not reflect on me; it doesn’t mean I am more of less worthy; it doesn’t mean my input is necessary at all. There are two kinds of business, remember: my business and none of my business. There is never confusion about where one’s attention should be. Never.
The “need to know” rule is the best of all shorthands to having a peaceful, free life. Others are on a journey, the intricacies of which we will never understand. And that is as it should be. Our own journey is enough for one mind to handle.
Letting others be is such freedom once we get the full benefit of what it can feel like. It’s not our natural inclination, initially, but it can become so with willingness.
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MAY 5 Detachment means acknowledging and even celebrating another’s unique journey.
We aren’t travelling side by side in order to keep tabs on each other, although the impulse to do so may be great. Getting sucked into someone else’s journey is powerful and can become a habitual, always unhealthy response. And it’s never our purpose here to be in charge of someone else. Our own life slides quietly by when we are obsessing over how someone else is living theirs.
Time has been a good teacher for me, however. Time, coupled with the daily application of the principles I learned in Twelve Step rooms-principles that have changed every aspect of how I see my life and how I see the others in my life too-have offered me a freedom and a trust in God as the true orchestrator, not only for my life but for your life too.
Trust is the key word in allowing others to enjoy their own journeys. Believing, as I have come to believe, that no experience is accidental, means I can trust that everyone else’s journey is exactly as it has been ordered to be. And I am not the one who ordered it! My presence on the scene is to acknowledge it, that’s all. This is a big relief, isn’t it? We are where we are, doing what we are doing, appreciating one another as witnesses to the journey. What could be better than that? And what could be more important?
Standing off to the side and appreciating the joy or being present for the sorrow of another person’s life is the most important gift we can ever offer someone. Trusting that wherever we are is the place where we can do this best simplifies our life.
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MAY 6 Detachment is no longer “dancing” around someone else’s life.
Wanting to be central to someone else’s life or wanting someone else to be the exclusive core of your life are common traits of the classic codependent. It’s an extremely restrictive way to live, one that doesn’t allow for the kind of spontaneity that is necessary. Dancing around others means we are paying attention primarily to their live, not to our own. We are living in their present moment, not our own.
Most of us do this at some point, maybe even for an extended period of time. But the sooner we see the downside of living another person’s present moment and start living our own, the sooner we will discover the real peace and joy we are meant to experience.
We can appreciate the lives that others are experiencing; indeed, that’s honoring them in an important way, and we can even be dance partners in our shared moments. We simply can’t lay aside our own present moments and the lessons contained within them, and expect to live to our fullest potential, an expectation that is ingrained in us and, if ignored, will cause us dis-ease.
It’s not easy to detach, to live only our own life and yet remain a part of the community around us. But we can learn how to respect, appreciate, and honor one another without being subsumed by the dance another person must do. When we discover how easy it is to live alongside our loved ones, we will grow in our appreciation of their moments right along with our own.
Loving the moment we are living right now is the kindest way to spend our life. It will teach us everything we need to know and will give us every opportunity we need to dance the dance that is ours and only ours.
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MAY 7 Detachment is no longer needing to assuage anyone else’s anger.
Because I grew up in a household where anger was a dominant theme, I learned to slip away, emotionally and physically, so that I didn’t become the brunt of it. I also became very practiced at trying to relieve the after effects. Although I did come to understand the physic impetus for the anger, my education didn’t come soon enough. Thus, for far too many years I practiced anger myself. We do learn how to be by what we see.
It became second nature to me to either be angry or to try to alleviate someone else’s anger. Either way, the underlying fear I had about living, day to day, was overwhelming. The fireball of anxiety I experienced from childhood until my forties prompted many reactions from me in all my primary relationships, and few of those reactions were pretty. My relationships were fraught with struggle because of my attempts to fix situations, to change a person, or to plead for forgiveness and acceptance. My fear of rejection was all-consuming at times, so I used all these responses interchangeably. As I recount these things from my past, I stand amazed that who I was has become who I now am. That’s the very good news for all of us: we all are works in progress.
Being able to let others have their feelings, regardless of what those feelings are, is perhaps the greatest gift we can offer ourselves on a daily basis. While it’s true that some feelings expressed by others are easier to walk away from than anger, all feelings can be equally accepted if we remember what our real job is: detachment.
Not needing to try to change anyone else allows us far more time to work on the details of our own lives. And that’s quite enough for any one person.
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MAY 8 Detachment is being able to claim our own identities.
None of us is beyond being influenced by the presence of others: their traits, their opinions, their speech patterns, even their mannerisms. And there is nothing wrong with adopting some of the characteristics of others as our own. It has been said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But letting the behavior of others determine our own behavior in every respect means we are hollow shells, simply waiting for the presence of others to determine who we will be in the next moment.
It’s not always easy to figure out who we want to be, particularly if we grew up in a family that didn’t encourage self-exploration or self-expression. But it’s never too late to imagine a new kind of life for ourselves, a new kind of commitment for the future we’d like to experience. What will unfold, eventually, is what we expect. Our minds are powerful. We can change how we see our lives as well as how we live them by a simple change of attitude, here and now.
How exciting to realize that no one is holding us back any more but ourselves. If we want to make waves, we can. If we want to depart from who we have been, even for decades, we can. If we want to create an entirely new persona, we have the right to do that too. Our dreams are the only materials we need to fashion a new beginning.
Having a dream for where to go next is the fist major step to getting there. It’s never too late to learn to dream. Never.
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MAY 9 Detachment is accepting what we cannot change and changing only what we can.
This principle has a familiar ring to, doesn’t it! It sounds a bit like the Serenity Prayer. Knowing the difference between what we can change and what’s not our business to try to change make the difference between having a peaceful moment or a frustration one. The pull to try to change others can be excruciatingly strong, particularly if we have convinced ourselves that we did it successfully in the past. But we did no such thing. Others might have changed, and they might have done exactly as we’d hoped, but it wasn’t because of us. People change only because they see a benefit in it.
Having assumed success in the past is an unfortunate assumption because it seduces us into continuing our efforts to control the behaviors of others in the present. Everyone becomes frustrated when this is the approach we take in our relationships.
Control never bears fruit for long, and it will always cause conflict and pain.
Coming to appreciate the freedom we get when we detach, when we give up the attempt to change others, is not immediate perhaps, but the more we practice looking the other way when others are present, the greater will be our own peace of mind. It comes incrementally. And every peaceful moment will serve as the carrot to lead us to make this choice again and again. Everyone wants to know peace. We can be peacemakers by backing off when our own business isn’t central to the activity before us.
Detachment is the solution to most of our relationship problems. Actually, I am inclined to say all of them, but absolutes can be hard to fathom. Just trust that letting go is the way to go.
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MAY 10 Detachment is not taking anyone else’s behavior personally.
Many of us were raised in homes replete with angst and strife, where it was difficult to discern the line between their words and actions and our worthiness. In many instances, there was no line. We were scapegoats for all the problems that surfaced in the family. That characterization may have followed you into relationship after relationship. That’s not unusual. But it’s not how you have to perceive yourself for the rest of your life. Having chosen to read these meditations suggests that if this has been your life story up to now, you are committed to changing it, from this day forward. Hallelujah!
The behavior we experience or observe up close or even from afar need not reflect on us. That’s not an easy idea to internalize, perhaps. I, for one, lived many decades of my life letting others’ behavior dictate who I was and how I should feel. My self-esteem was deplorable. Did others expect me to absorb their outbursts? I don’t think so, but my family of origin had passed on to me that which they had learned from their parents. That’s how the torch gets passed. Another person’s behavior defined them. Period. Taking what they do as an assessment of who we are is missing the entire point of why we are sharing the journey.
We share the journey to learn from one another-to live in concert but not in the shadow of one another. To join our minds in the moment for the sheer joy of connection. That is the main reason to be grateful, in fact. We are here as way-showers and companions. Let’s stick with that and nothing more.
Others do that they do because of who they are and the journey they are on. It’s our opportunity to observe from afar or up close, knowing that we can share a moment and then move on to the next moment and the gift it is waiting to offer.
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MAY 11 Detachment is no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Being at the mercy of the many individuals who will cross our path on any single day is simply exhausting. Some people will be kind; with them our interactions will be pleasant. Others will be dismissive. Many will choose not to hear us, regardless of what we are saying, and we fill feel judged. A few will be genuinely grateful that we are sharing their journeys, and their response to us will make us feel appreciated and energized.
Because of these varied responses, however, we must not get caught in the web of letting how anyone receives us determine how we feel or how we might determine our next move. Waiting for anyone to treat us well is like waiting for the sun to come out on a cloudy day. We can’t control the behavior of others. We can decide our own best response to every situation, though, and that means we are free from the effects of life’s uncertainties.
Choosing our own reactions, our own thoughts in every encounter, will empower us to meet any circumstance that comes our way. Getting a taste of empowerment is all it takes for most of us to refrain from allowing the behavior of others to define us. I never thought I could master this tool, but I have. So can you!
There is not a direct correlation between what someone else does and what you and I choose to do. Let’s choose wisely and live more peacefully.
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MAY 12 Detachment is letting things rest.
What does it mean to let things rest? I didn’t grasp this principle very quickly. I figured that if I presented my point of view my
judgment about anything, in a little different way, I’d be able to convince you that your way of thinking or seeing was faulty, or at the least, not as good as mine. I was often relentless. But no matter how persistent I was, I was not able to make others change. My family continued to favor their own opinions, my husband continued to drink, and my friends simply stayed away.
I’d like to say that now, after years of practicing a new way of living, I always let things rest after a first or second attempt to change someone’s opinion, but that would be dishonest. Sometimes I still persist; occasionally I am still relentless. But I have made progress. That’s all any of us can be certain of when we make the effort to change a behavior. Progress is actually the beginning of anyone’s story of success. I am creating mine. With effort we can all do it.
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Letting things rest, surrendering to the Power guiding every one of us, offers such wonderfully relaxing, peaceful moments. Experiencing the joy of this even one a day is sure to convince us that making a practice of it will embolden us, day in and day out, to repeat it again and again.
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MAY 13 Detachment is being able to move our minds away from the unhealthy places they want to go.
It’s a thrilling realization to know that we are in control of our minds. For some, this comes as a surprise. Minds just seem to contain information willy-nilly. I, for one, was quite convinced for many years that others had the power to create, maintain, or change the thoughts in my mind. I willingly gave to others power over my mind on a regular basis. If someone looked at me disapprovingly, or didn’t notice me at all, which was more often the case, I was shattered and my self-assessment was rewritten.
The healthiest place for one’s mind to be is on the power and presence of God as we understand Him or Her. Keeping our mind there means we will know the next right thing to say, the next right thing to do, the next right and healthy thing to think. But it’s natural to wonder why our minds even want to dwell in unhealthy places. I think the answer is that the ego is most comfortable there and it has a stranglehold on many of us. The ego’s power to divert us from our true path is only as great as our attention to that voice that hollers angry, negative directives.
There are two voices in our minds: a quiet, loving voice and a loud, generally spiteful voice. The latter will always direct us to the unhealthy place, but we can learn to detach from that voice and to relish the quiet one instead. Prayer will always lead us back to where we want to be.
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Prayer is the answer in all stressful situations. We might not get an answer right away, but we will get quiet relief from a mind that is careening out of control Praise be to God, as is so often said.
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MAY 14 Detachment is being able to stop our minds in mid thought when the thoughts are not beneficial.
Not being at the mercy of our thoughts is akin to not being at the mercy of the reactions we get from others regarding our thoughts. Our thoughts are what we have created them to be, and it’s foolish to ever say, “I can’t help it, that’s just how I am,” in regard to any thought or situation that has ensnared us. Indeed, we have willingly adopted every thought we harbor.
We are always very much in control of what we say, think, and do. This idea has been expressed time and again in this book, but it bears repeating because we are so quick to give in to the idea that we can’t take charge of who we are becoming. Every thought we entertain is, in fact, molding us into the people we are. We are works in progress, some say, and that’s good: it means we don’t have to be perfect. Simply deciding to monitor our thoughts, to change their focus, and to quash any one of them that doesn’t add to the peace and joy of the world around us is an excellent contribution we might consider making on a daily basis.
There is great joy in the practice of stopping a negative thought midsentence and refocusing it. Not being in its clutches gives us hope for any number of changes we might want to make in our lives. This is a simple place to being; our mind is constantly thinking, after all. And we can be constantly refocusing.
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We might all agree that we harbor many not-so-beneficial thoughts. That’s the bad news, perhaps. But the story doesn’t end there, and that’s the good new. We can change our negative thoughts, one and all. Today is a great day to begin the practice.
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MAY 15 Detachment is no longer living in the tumultuous spaces of other peoples’ minds.
One of the first things handed to me by my sponsor when I got sober was the AA acceptance pamphlet. She told me, “Read it and believe every word; it will change your life.” I did read it, over and over; I even tucked it under my pillow. But I still had trouble staying out of the minds of others. And I was extremely good at letting those same others live, rent free, in my mind. Discerning who I was and who others were had always been blurred for me. I so wanted to belong that allowing myself to live in
the midst of others’ minds and vice versa seemed better than not knowing where I lived at all. Fortunately, those days are long gone now.
But when someone is vulnerable due to illness, lack of rests, an unhealthy diet, an emotional upset of some kind, or even a mild affront by a friend or partner, it’s easy to fall back and repeat our earlier responses to unfriendly situations confronting us. Climbing back into someone else’s mind isn’t that difficult, unfortunately. Staying there for as long as we did before is unlikely, however. That’s the payoff from incorporating new information and practicing a new set of behaviors.
To the uninitiated, accepting others as they are with no hope of changing them may seem like a joyless way to live. But, on the contrary, it’s the only way to actually experience lasting joy.
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I will let others be and enjoy them for who they are. My lesson is to let go. Every day, anew, this is the lesson: to let go.
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MAY 16 Detachment doesn’t mean separation from our loved ones. It means acceptance of who and what they are.
I used to think that detachment meant I had to separate myself completely from the person who was getting too much of my attention. I didn’t seem able to let someone be in my life without them taking over my life. Therefore, my only alternative was to deny or ignore their presence altogether, which meant I wasn’t able to claim the lessons I had been destined to receive from that person,
Our loved ones cry out to be accepted by us, and we never refuse to accept people as they are, we are creating a separation that breeds ill will along with illness. The desire, in fact the need, to join with others les deep within us, but we can deny that call. And when we do, we fail ourselves, one another, and the entire human community.
We so easily misconstrue the meaning of detachment. It’s not about denying the presence or the importance of anyone. It’s not about moving on without our loved ones. It’s not about judgment. Detachment is about taking care of ourselves and letting others do the same. Freedom for all is detachment in action.
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Detachment doesn’t preclude joining with our loved ones. But distinct separation will result in our relationships being harmed. The better choice between the two is clearly discernible.
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MAY 17 Detachment is a gift to one and all.
Many of us go through life connected at the hip, so to speak, with someone we consider special and “ours.” If we aren’t attached” to someone, we feel unworthy. Our journey is about coming to understand that attaching ourselves to God is what promises us the worthiness and security we seek, and this realization will change every experience, every day.
God’s grace, which is our gift, is what allows us to know and appreciate detachment. His grace moves us from where we are at any moment to a very soft and secure place. God’s presence is certain. The presence of others can be fleeting.
Needing others on our journey does not mean that we are lesser beings and have no life of our own. Indeed, having a rich and full life of our own is the very gift we bring to those special relationships that attract our attention.
For decades I have pondered why so many feel that without a life partner they are nothing. The answer may vary for different people, but I think at one time in my life it was because I felt invisible, even among friends, and I wanted one person, at the very least, to make me feel important. So when that person showed up, I clung. My attachment suffocated him and the relationship. I was a very slow learner; I suffocated many before I learned the value of detachment. Now I treasure being able to let God give me all the comfort and security I need.
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Detachment is a gift that benefits everyone. Not being the constant focus of someone else is freeing. Not making someone else our “assignment” lets us live the life we are here to live.
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MAY 18 Detachment never means being rude or dismissive.
For some, the idea of detachment may be elusive. It’s a word that’s more common in some circles than others. When I first heard the term, I assumed that shunning other was a reasonable way to express detachment. I had no idea that it was actually an act of love. I thought criticism might fit with the idea of detachment, but seeing detachment as allowing a person to be who he or she needed to be, without interference, without being judged or put down or ignored, were all very new ideas for me to incorporate.
But I am incorporating them, and my life is being transformed. What a pleasure to make the decision to refrain from criticizing others for who they are. I can’t say I succeed 100 percent of the time. But I am adding many moments of peace to the world I
inhabit by the many times I choose to think a thought that pleases God, rather than one I might have chosen to think before being introduced to the principle of detachment. Initially, letting others be, without comment from me, is truly an act of will, but in time it becomes an act of choice. The benefits are immeasurable.
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Giving up being rude simplifies our lives. Letting God direct our thoughts simplifies them even more. It is God’s hope that we let others be. That’s detachment.
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MAY 19 Detachment is a growth opportunity that we can claim every day of our lives.
The celebration of detachment is not what I sought when first introduced to the concept. I didn’t want to be detached. I wanted to be attached. To me, that meant I was “chosen,” and there was really nothing more important to me at the time. Celebrating my life as a woman with specific gifts and goals didn’t seem inclusive enough. I wanted others to be with me, living my life every step of the way for validation. Not until my forties did I see the value of living in concert, in sync, but not enmeshed with that special other person.
What I see now is that we can walk among others and have our own life intact. We can allow others to do and be whomever God is calling them to be. We can witness them but not expect them to turn their life and will over to us. This means we will be able to see all the other invitations that might be swimming our way. When we are too involved in the life of someone else, perhaps demanding that they be a constant part of our life, we will never experience the individual growth we deserve.
Being detached doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean feeling no connection to someone else. It is not a way to distance ourselves from others. It is an expression of honest love for both of us in the relationship. This is such good news when we finally are able to hear it and absorb it. Witnessing is the gift; detachment is the tool.
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Are you ready to grow today in whatever way God is calling YOU? Unless you are living a life free from the obsession with others, you will miss one opportunity after another, and most will never come again.
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MAY 20 Detachment is not to be confused with disloyalty.
Trusting in the process of letting others have the growth they are here to experience is freedom for all concerned. Unfortunately, I have many memories of wanting to hold someone back from an experience they were ready for. My lack of trust in their process occurred because I didn’t trust that my Higher Power was part of my process. I planned my life around them and if they were moving on, or if I was, what would happen to us?
Fortunately, I have finally claimed detachment as one of my most treasured assets. I am not always good at it; I do still want to control fear too often. But I had to learn that detachment didn’t mean turning my back on someone before I could learn to feel good about adding it to my repertoire of characteristics. It has freed me and my loved ones in ways that neither I nor they could have imagined.
I sometimes wonder how my earlier relationships might have fared had I known then what I love knowing and living now. But I do also believe that we are always where we need to be, learning the lessons we are ready for. In earlier relationships I simply wasn’t ready for the information I now cherish. There is no need for remorse. We were only ready for what we were ready for.
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Deciding to trust that everyone has their own Higher Power frees us to listen to ours. We can’t know what’s right for someone else. And letting them find their own way, without our input, is not being disloyal; on the contrary, its being respectful.
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MAY 21 Detachment from the problems of others is God’s will. They and God will solve what needs to be solved.
Remembering that everyone has his or her own Higher Power relieves us of so much stress. Taking on someone else’s problems, even when they touch us in some way, is not necessary. That’s what God is for. God is waiting to be called on. Our Higher Power is always just a prayer, an idea, or a question away.
Why is this so hard to remember? Even after we glimpse the power of this truth, we have to be willing to pray, asking God for the help we need that has already been promised to us. God knows our needs. But it’s helpful for us to think them or voice them so that we know them too. That way we can recognize when the help has arrived.
The same is true for our companions. Their problems are for God to solve. We are not participants in their solutions. We can listen, we can share what has worked for us, we can pray with them. But we are not here to convey god’s will.
Watching others discover the power inherent in prayer lets us witness the power inherent in our detachment from them as they seek their own solutions. All of us are emboldened by the success that any one of us has with both prayer and detachment. Prayer and detachment complement each other.
*
When we need guidance, we seek God’s will. When we need comfort, we seek God’s presence. When we seem called to solve a problem for someone else, we let them go to God. In that way, all will be served.
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MAY 22 Detachment is one of the most loving of all our actions.
How does staying uninvolved with the situations in others’ lives seem loving? I spent years assuming the opposite was true. I was very clever at wiggling my wiy into one life or another. Not being involved with the problems of the many people on my path felt unsympathetic and selfish. It also felt lonely. Perhaps my loneliness was what truly initiated my clinging to others.
Being told that detaching from the lives of others, their problems, and their cries for help is the best, most loving response we can make seems farfetched, doesn’t it? It took the wisdom of many voices to convince me that this was my best response to the people and situations I so frequently found myself in.
I do think we find ourselves in circumstances where we can best learn what’s needed for the next leg of our journey. I can’t be more grateful than I am for having learned the joy that accompanies the act of detachment. To be honest, at one time I didn’t think detaching from the lives of problems of others was ever going to be worth my effort. How wrong I was. It has taught me love-how to express it, how to receive it, how to savor it.
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Love comes in many forms. One of the most helpful forms for all the companions we will know today or any day is detachment. It’s what gives us the most freedom and ultimately the most wisdom too. God lives in the tiny spaces of our letting go.
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MAY 23 Detachment empowers.
We all have dreams. Some of us have bigger dreams than others. My husband’s was to build an experimental aircraft, which he is currently doing. I have one friend whose dream is to run a marathon, and she is training for her first on at age sixty-one. My aunt’s dream was to live until she was one hundred. She made it, just shy by two months, but she told us all she was one hundred anyway. In her mind, she had made it. And my mother’s dream was to learn to drive; at age fifty-two she took lessons, secretly, and surprised all of us.
My dream is to continue writing until the day I die. I am reminded of Frida Kaholo and how she painted lying down when she was in too much pain to stand or sit. It was her dream to simply keep painting.
The dream that any one of us has can best come to fruition if we have clear boundaries between what is ours to do and what belongs to others. When the boundaries are clear, we are empowered to follow our passions. We simply can’t follow our bliss if we are tied to the dreams or problems of others. Therefore, detachment is a necessary tool and one that we must practice repeatedly if we really want to fulfill our own dreams.
Remember, when someone else is following his or her own bliss, it does not mean we don’t matter to them. It’s really a gift for any of us when we are following our dream. But our minds can’t be two places at once.
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Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. That’s why they have visited us. The only thing standing in our way is our over-involvement in the lives of others. Detach and watch the dream unfold.
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MAY 24 Detachment offers us freedom from blame.
To blame others for what is not going right in our life is such a temptation. I blamed others for years. I saw it practiced in my home and with friends. It simply became habitual, thoughtlessly habitual, and it’s a very difficult habit to break. What has successfully worked for me, much of the time, is the decision to remain quiet, to detach from the person or the situation that is getting under my skin. I didn’t believe this choice was a viable one for many years. It did take focused effort and many hours of practice –many years of practice. But I have made progress.
Choosing to forego blame actually feels very good. Taking responsibility for what we have done and letting others off the hook when they aren’t ready to do the same is really very freeing. Having made a practice of letting others do and be whatever appeals to them is a gift ot ourselves and to them, a gift that simply changes every aspect of our journey.
We are here to watch and learn. We are here to bless and witness. We are here to offer guidance when sought. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope. Our purpose is never to blame. Everyone is stuck in an old perspective, a place where growth can’t happen, if we are caught in the web of blaming.
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We can break free from blaming any time we want. The door to a new way of seeing and behaving is always open.
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MAY 25 Detachment is like a breath of fresh air.
This may seem like an unusual way to describe detachment, but when I practice detachment, if feels as though I am letting my shoulders relax and simply breathing deeply after trying to hold on to the unmanageable. Hanging on to others, in any fashion, will never be successful. We can’t hold back their minds, their actions, their opinions. Letting go fo every aspect of whom someone else chooses to be is not easy, but it’s so rewarding, once we get accustomed to it.
It makes our own lives so much simpler when we let those who walk among us do whatever they want to do. Now, of course, when our offspring are young, we can’t let them be unsupervised. But it’s folly to think that we will be able to control their every move. Their own free will will surface quite regularly, just as ours continues to do. But our acknowledging that it’s okay for them and all others to listen to guiding voices different from our own results in many opportunities for gratitude. Being grateful for even the tiny experiences that we have with letting others be, letting others do that which they feel called to do, even if it proves to be wrong in the long run, is the breath of fresh air we deserve.
There are many gifts that come with detachment. Relaxation is one of them. Freedom from stress is another. A quiet mind is perhaps the best of all. Gratitude becomes all-encompassing when we really let others live their own lives. I am so glad I made a commitment to this practice.
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The commitment to detach from the lives of others begins with a decision. It’s a decision we can make moment by moment. Yet it is life changing.
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MAY 26 Prayer is an effective way to help us detach from the behavior of others.
We can only hold on to one thought at a time. Making the one though we are dwelling on a prayer in a time of turmoil means we can’t be thinking that someone ought to be doing something they aren’t currently doing. This is a great shorthand way of changing wo we are and how every moment feels. This is not to imply that we need to be in silent repose all day. But rather, when we begin to harbor thoughts about anyone else, thoughts that aren’t loving, gentle, and accepting, it’s time to ask God for another thought. Prayer can be quick and simple. We can do it with our eyes open as well as closed.
Knowing that detachment happens most effectively when we are in partnership with God gives me great relief. There are simply too many things that are hard to handle all alone. And what I’ve learned from my may years on this spiritual path is that none of them will be very effectively translated into a peaceful life if I ignore the help from God, as I understand Him or Her, that’s available just as soon as I seek it.
It’s important to acknowledge the many others who are traveling with me, too. They are not accidental travelers accompanying me on this path. It’s by design; it’s all by design. And that’s the best news of all. It makes detachment even easier, don’t you agree?
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Prayer is the solution. Detachment is the tool. Peace of mind is the gift.
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MAY 27 Unless we practice detachment, we will find ourselves reacting many times a day.
Choosing a right action is always preferable to falling into an automatic reaction. But the latter is the common response for many of us. For years, I constantly reacted to what people were doing or saying. I reacted to their opinions and tried to make mine similar where possible or to convince them to change theirs. I made many important decisions about very personal details of my life in reaction to the decisions others were making. I didn’t take stock of me and what I wanted. Frankly, I wasn’t sure how one did that. I tried to be what someone else thought I should be. It got me drunk, It got me divorced! It got me depressed, lonely, and confused.
Not everyone has had results like mine, perhaps, but no one has a fully productive or peaceful life if he or she is simply trying to fit in in order to be accepted. Perhaps growing up in a family that didn’t value independence contributed to my codependency regarding the opinions and actions of others. But there is no blame to be laid. I did what I did. And I’d say the end result has been very good.
It’s interesting how we end up where we actually need to be. Writing this book and the many that preceded it are the results of the many struggles I had. Today I can truly say that I am grateful. I am also truly grateful to have learned the true nature and value of detachment. I know, without contradiction, that practicing detachment is the only way I can fully live the life I am here to live.
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Reacting to others is exhausting, in the final analysis. And it’s habitual. But so is the practice of detachment, and it’s guaranteed to make us feel peaceful.
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MAY 28 When we practice detachment, we serve as great teachers to others.
We are reminded in the words of many spiritual guides that we are in the role of either teacher or student in every moment of time. And we switch, rather quietly, between one and other. It’s probable that we aren’t even certain which role we are in at a particular time: the difference between the two is subtle. But also, we don’t necessarily know what our companion has been sent to learn.
Modeling detachment, however, is one of the most important tools we can pass on to others, regardless of who our companions are. It’s not that we should be unaffected or uninfluenced by those around us, particularly when acts of love and gratitude are being expressed. But allowing behavior of any kind to determine how we feel makes us constantly dependent on others. As I’ve already said, we do share a path with people we need to learn from, but the path we share is a two-way street. We are both giving and receiving from one another. Constantly.
The idea of practicing detachment is such a gentle one, isn’t it? It allows us to be imperfect. Because we don’t detach perfectly, even for a few hours at a time, we can begin again the next day. No harm has been done, really. We can forgive ourselves for going where we didn’t need dto go, and then take each new experience as it presents itself and practice detachment again, one experience and one person at a time.
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The freedom we are promised when we practice detachment is unfathomable to most. We must experience it in order to believe it. Perhaps today is a good day to begin making the changes that will really matter in our lives tomorrow.
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MAY 29 If we become too detached, will others leave us behind?
Clinging in order to keep a partner from straying is common to many women and men. But since fear drives this kind of behavior, it really doesn’t prevent the very thing we are afraid of; in fact, it might even trigger it. Not only have I had personal experience with this, but I have known dozens of others who have been certain that the right word, the right action or reaction, or the right gift would make another feel indebted for life. But to no avail. In other words, attachment does not prevent a person from leaving. This brings us to detachment.
Will the expression of detachment, boldly stated by one’s actions, lead to being left behind? I certainly can’t answer this with absolute assurance, but my experience, my interactions with others on many levels, my path of spiritual enlightenment, have led me to believe that people leave because they must. It’s not what we do or say that drives a person away. What one has needed to learn has been learned, and the time is right to move on.
This might seem to be a cold assessment, but I think that looking at this principle objectively allows us to see that there is usually no harm intended, not really, when one moves on. Our commitment to detachment allows us to let others go without our feeling so personally rejected. Our teachers are everywhere. Learning to say good-by, without rancor, is growth.
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Detachment doesn’t push people away. It frees all of us. Let’s not forget that.
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MAY 30 The most loving thing we can do is let another person be free; that’s detachment.
Buying flowers for a friend is certainly loving. So is buying lunch for a special occasion. Making a phone call or sending an email just to say hello is a sign of caring too. There are multiple ways of expressing love, many of which we utilize regularly. But letting someone go, to be free to do whatever he or she wants to do, which may be the hardest of all our expressions, is the clearest sign of love we can offer. It says, “I trust you to do what you need to do.”
It’s not easy to detach from the movements of others. Far too often we rely on their presence to complete us. But holding someone back from the experiences he or she may be ready for puts us in charge of another’s growth. It’s a behavior that will also come back to bite us if the person misses an opportunity that he has longed for. We simply must let people evolve as they desire. That doesn’t mean they might not get burned, but at least we are not holding the flame.
Detaching from the changes others may need to make may never be easy, at least not initially But it does get easier. And it does feel better than clinging to the object of our affection. We can’t have the life we need if we are too wrapped up in the life someone else needs. Letting them go accomplishes two things: it allows us and the other person to soar.
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We may not realize that we also need to be free, but when we begin to experience it on a more regular basis we will realize what we had been missing. And we will not want to go back to the way things were before.
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MAY 31 Detachment is practiced moment by moment.
It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise. It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it. We must be willing to make it, however.
If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always experienced. Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank god for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do. All theses steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
