NOV 1 044 Detachment is knowing that others’ criticisms are about them. I grew up in a household where criticism was common, far more common that praise, in fact. I don’t think it was that my parents didn’t love me or my siblings, but rather, they didn’t feel satisfied with themselves, and that made it quite difficult to be satisfied with anyone else, either. So I think their being critical of others became a habit. I observed them being critical of their siblings, as well as of their neighbors. In fact they seldom praised others at all.
I look back on those years with an understanding that I wasn’t capable of then. And a sadness that my parents didn’t feel okay about who they were, which in turn made them unable to see the good in others.
People who truly know God don’t criticize. Even when they observe a behavior that concerns them, they are far more likely to say a silent prayer. They seem to instinctively know that their purpose in another’s life is to offer love and support, and forgiveness, should that be called for. We are never called to be critics of one another. Way-shower, yes, but never critics. Being criticized by others need not affect how we feel about ourselves. And it won’t the more we practice detachment.
NOV 2 045 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible. Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice. Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
NOV 3 045 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible. Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice. Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
NOV 4 046 Attachment to anyone other than God imprisons us. For the first three decades of my life, I reveled in being “necessary,” or so I thought, to someone else’s life. If that someone was happy, so was I. If he or she was sad, I tried to make them feel better. If they were angry, I was certain I had done something wrong. My every mood was controlled by the feedback I received, either verbal or nonverbal, from them. My growth was stunted, and I didn’t even know it.
It wasn’t until I got involved in Twelve Step recovery that I discovered there were other ways to experience one’s life. Coming to appreciate that we are on shared journeys, not the same journey, has taught me many things. I have learned that what someone else sees is not what I need to see, that what he or she thinks need not be what I think. That how anyone else behaves doesn’t have to chart my course too. We are complementary to each other. We are not empowered to be in charge of one another. Being imprisoned by our attachments to other people in our lives keeps us from living the journey we are here to enjoy. It’s up to us to release ourselves.
NOV 5 047 Detachment is not letting the mood swings of others determine your own mood. In the early 1970’s, I read a passage in a book by a popular Jesuit priest that rocked my world. I realized then that my life had always been a reflection of how others responded to me. If their response was loving, I felt secure. If they seemed distant, I felt rejected. If their interests or activities didn’t include me, I could only interpret this as abandonment. I needed to be the center of any loved one’s life, and when that wasn’t the case, which was frequent, I was an emotional basket case. My life depended on others’ inclusion of me in their every waking moment. Needless to say, I had no real life.
Letting someone else’s behavior control our behavior negates our freedom of choice. It means we fail to experience the gifts of happiness and empowerment that come with making our own decisions. We can’t fulfill the assignment that is solely ours if we are at the mercy of someone else’s behavior, even part of the time. And if we aren’t doing that which we were born to do, we also slow down the progress of those who travel with us. We are part of an orchestra, you and me. We each have a song, a tune, to play. Yours isn’t mine, and vice versa. Being in charge of our own notes is the ultimate lesson for each one of us.
NOV 6 048 Detachment is practicing the awareness that changing our thoughts can produce changed feelings. We can change our minds, and the experiences in our life will reflect the change. For instance, try this experiment. The next time you are impatiently standing in line at the grocery store, say to yourself, “Everyone in front of me is here by divine appointment and needs my blessing.” Then notice how differently you feel inside. Notice how others begin to soften their gaze, too. If you see no change the first time you try this try it again. It works. When we change how we see others in our world, they do seem to change as well. They will begin to match our picture of them.
Coming to appreciate that we are not powerless over what we nurture in our minds, that we are, in fact in charge of our thoughts, gives us the hope and the promise that we can feel however we want to feel. We can be as happy, as hopeful, or as miserable as we want to be. No thought can hold us hostage. No feeling can hold us hostage. No person can hold us hostage. We are as free as we want to be. This gives us all the ammunition we will ever need to know that all is well. Always, all is well. Thoughts and feelings are intertwined. The good news is that each one of us is in charge of how we feel because of what we think. Our present is up to us.
NOV 7 O49 Detachment is knowing that happiness is the by-product of how we live our lives, not how others are living theirs. Allowing others to be glad or sad, and knowing it doesn’t relate to us, is real freedom. But coming to understand this way of life takes time, a willingness to believe in this as a possibility, and then perseverance. Few develop this awareness instantaneously. But whenever we accept this as a path for living, it becomes the first day of real freedom that we’ll ever experience.
Tying our happiness to anyone else means we probably also tie our sadness or confusion or depression to them, too. And many of us do live this way, or did. I have to admit this was my path for many years. Whatever anyone else said or did, however anyone else felt, was what determined my emotions. It’s a bit embarrassing to say that I lived this way into my late thirties. And if I had not been introduced to a Twelve Step program then, I might still be tying my star to someone else’s dream………..or nightmare. My path was not unusual. I know many others who struggled with the same issue; some still do. Our culture encourages it. But we can live differently. I know, because I do now. Happiness, as Abe Lincoln said, comes when we make up our minds to be happy. What freedom and joy this ensures. It allows us to model happiness for others, too.
NOV 8 050 Detachment is not needing attention from others to feel okay. It’s a common desire, for many of us, to want others to notice us, particularly when we are in the spotlight for a particular reason. Being listened to at home and by friends is important too. But that’s not the crux of this principle. It’s about getting comfortable enough with who we are to feel okay wherever we are, with or without the attention of others. Up to a certain age, many children seem to naturally have this confidence. And then they often lose it; some never regain it. But those who seek to understand themselves as well as others can generally reclaim it in time.
Not needing attention from others is far different than not wanting someone’s attention. Being dependent on getting someone’s attention holds us hostage to every relationship and situation we find ourselves in. It doesn’t allow us to work an equal partnership with others. It doesn’t free us to be who we are in the moment. We will be on guard to be who we think we need to be in order to stay in the good graces of our “captor.” We are not really living when that’s our path.
Checking our motives for our actions is very important. Are we doing what is in our hearts? Or are we doing what we think we need to do in order to get positive attention from others?
NOV 9 051 Detachment is being able to care deeply about a situation or another person from an objective point of view. There is a difference, a rather significant one, between caring for someone or some situation subjectively as opposed to objectively. From a subjective point of view, we are overly involved or influenced by someone’s personality, perhaps, or by their response to us. Or maybe it’s a cause that has caught our attention to the point of obsession. Not letting our emotions get out of balance for any reason allows us to offer what we really need to in every experience that touches us.
Being objective doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, it means that we will likely care, or not, for the correct, perhaps more rational, reasons. It often means our response can be trusted to have been freely offered, not coerced. It means we aren’t being unduly pressured to be for or against a person, an opinion, or a situation. Being able to stay detached when much of the world is trying to claim our adherence to a particular perspective is freedom at its best. Not being unduly influenced to be for or against a person or a situation gives us the breathing room we need to make up our own minds. Detachment, in this regard, lets us change an opinion at our own pace.
NOV 10 052 Detachment is not creating or preventing a crisis when it’s clearly not our business to be involved. Stepping away from a situation or another person’s experiences when we aren’t directly involved may seem unkind initially, especially if the person involved is a loved one. But whatever is happening in his or her life is for them to sort out, not us. Perhaps it’s acceptable to offer a suggestion, if asked, but if we get involved where and when we shouldn’t we will short-circuit the journey that needs to be made by them.
There’s an occasional situation in which a child is faced with a dilemma, and in that instance, we may need to be involved; but even then, we have to appreciate that the child’s journey is his, not ours. We can offer guidance, and probably should, but the outcome of the situation is between him and God. We are not, in the final analysis, part of the mix. And if a crisis occurs anywhere, unless we are part of the problem, it is not ours to fix. Recognizing our limitations when it comes to the experiences of others can be troubling initially. But we will see this as freedom if we are willing to believe that God’s plan for us is to live our own life, not someone else’s.
NOV 11 053 Detachment is letting others have their own opinions. My family of origin didn’t allow for differing opinions. My father insisted that we agree with him, or all hell broke loose. Whether the topic was politics or music, his opinion was the only right one and having one that ran counter to it was evidence of insubordination. I locked horns with him for years. I felt compelled to disagree, on my own behalf and on behalf of my mom and younger brother, too. My older sisters seldom got involved in “the dance” he and I did……………..a dance that continued long after I left home.
I grew into adult hood steeped in this pattern of behavior, a pattern that didn’t allow much room for discussion with anyone. I had to be right, just as my dad had had to be right. It wasn’t until my own recovery from drugs and alcohol that I understood what the need to be right was about. Fear was the root cause for my dad’s attempts to control how others thought. Fear prompted my own, too. Now I know there is nothing to fear. We come together by design. We learn by design. We let go, we detach, by design too, and peace blossoms within. Letting go of someone else’s journey is the most freeing experience we can have today. And it’s by far the best gift we can offer someone, too.
NOV 12 054 Detachment is being able to let others journey wherever they need to go. It’s not uncommon to assume that since we are generally in the company of family and friends, that our journeys must be similar. But what any one of us is here to learn is quite specific. The reason we are journeying side by side is that we need each other for support and suggestions; there is a difference, however, between sharing what has worked for us and trying to control how someone else should live his or her life.
Being able to detach from our loved ones is seldom easy. It doesn’t feel natural. In fact, it more commonly feels unsympathetic and self-centered. But that’s the value of practice. We learned our math tables by practicing them. We learn how to be skillful at golf or tennis or bridge through many hours of practice. In fact, Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers: the Story of Success, says that the key to success in any field requires practicing for it for ten thousand hours. Detaching is a skill too, and we can hone it if we are willing to work at it. The payoff is that our companions learn how to take responsibility for themselves and then rely on God, and we learn how to focus on the only journey over which we have any real control: our own! Watching our loved ones move through their experiences, and praying for them if the need arises, is our assignment, little else.
NOV 13 055 Detachment is knowing that you are not God. Ernest Kurtz wrote a book, published in 1979 and later expanded and republished in 1991, titled Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember thinking it was a strange title. I didn’t see how my attempts to control the outcomes to my life or the life of a loved one was playing God. I was just trying to be helpful. Admitting that I had no control was too frightening. Others might leave me if I didn’t try to control their movements. My future plans might not materialize if I wasn’t in control of them, or so I thought back then. Letting go of any person or situation, allowing the future to unfold as it might, was simply unfathomable.
The wisdom to let go, to detach from all behaviors or situations except those that directly involve us, exemplifies freedom. But many of us don’t seek freedom. We want enmeshment. We feel more comfortable in the throes of the chaos of someone else’s life. And until we have experienced freedom from that kind of attachment, and the joy it offers, we will continue to search for the person who will allow us to choose his or her life to live, rather than live our own. Giving up control may be the scariest thing we will ever do. And also the most rewarding. There is only one God, and we are not Him.
NOV 14 056 Detachment is no longer succumbing to the suggestions of others when they are not right for us. Being a people pleaser can cause us grief in myriad areas. For one, we can find ourselves knee-deep in the affairs of others far too often by getting talked into participating in experiences that don’t honestly appeal to us. We might agree to help a friend (because we feel we must) when we really don’t have the time, the money, the interest, or the energy. And every time we give a little bit of ourselves away in any of these ways, we lose the freedom and the time to devote ourselves to those special tasks that have been designated as ours while here in this life.
It’s not easy to say no when asked to do something. It’s not easy to decline a suggestion about how to handle a problem when a friend is offering it in kindness. But we must learn to read ourselves and listen to the Holy Spirit. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Others are on our path for a reason, that’s true. But doing someone else’s will is not why they are there. Saying no thank you may well be the biggest lesson and the most frequent opportunity we will experience every day. The times when we can say no, in a kind way, rather than saying yes and then resenting it, will occur, on a daily basis. This can make the next twenty-four hours rather interesting, too.
NOV 15 057 Detachment is being able to walk away from situations that are not helpful to us. I have practiced this very suggestion tens of thousands of times in the last thirty years. That’s why I know it’s possible. I won’t pretend that it ws easy the first few hundred times, however. I often had to force myself to leave a room or an argument of sometimes even a relationship. Too often I felt that just one more word from me would convince the other person that I was right. My inability to walk away escalated many disagreements. Frankly, I don’t think I even realized I had a choice to do it differently. What glory there is in knowing that that’s not the case. And in having the willingness to practice it.
Detaching from situations that are not helpful is one way every one of us reading this could add more free time to the day. Detaching from situations that are not helpful is a sure way of allowing for greater peace in our lives, too. But even more important, every time we choose this peaceful path, we add to the peace that’s felt around the world. One peaceful act is always multiplied many times over. Throughout the day we will confront many experiences that are best ignored or forgiven. The question is, can we? Every time we make the better choice for our peace of mind, we are making it for the peace of mind of millions of others, too.
NOV 16 058 Detachment is knowing that your life is God’s business, not yours. Accepting that my life was God’s business - and not my own - initially confused me. I didn’t doubt that God played a part in my life. I believed that God had a part in everyone’s life, in fact. But I was sure that my part was bigger than God’s that I had to create my life and that all the experiences that came calling were because of my actions. Listening to the inner voice and then doing the next right thing hardly seemed like a big enough part to be playing.
Giving God control over our lives doesn’t mean we no longer need to take responsibility for our actions. Instead, it means that what comes our way is meant for our growth and has been quite specifically sent, and that we do have a partner who will help us make whatever decision we need to make. We are not alone, not now or ever. God is present and is sending us the lessons that are ours to learn in concert with His divine plan that includes all of us. Responding in a loving, accepting way to the experiences that are sent to us is all that’s expected of us. We don’t have to fret over anything. We need not wonder what our next assignment should be. It will come calling.
NOV 17 059 Detachment is knowing what is not your business, This is a simple principle, really. What it comes down to is this: nothing is our business that doesn’t directly involve us. Our family members need to do their own “work”; our friends do, too. The strangers whose paths we cross are there intentionally, that’s a given. But that doesn’t mean their lives are ours to control. Our journeys are intersections for what each one of us needs to learn, and on many occasions, the lesson is simply this: mind your own business.
Minding our own business is not an unloving act. It doesn’t preclude listening to a friend. Nor does it mean we can’t share our own experience, strength, and hope if asked to do so. Minding our own business frees us to live our own lives. But even more important, it frees our fellow travelers to make their own discoveries and learn how to listen to their own inner guide. Once we get the feel of minding our own business, we realize how much more peaceful life can be. If peace is what we long for, there is one sure way to get it: we mind our own business.
NOV 18 060 Detachment allows us to hear God. When we are overly focused on the other people on our journey, even the loved ones who are with us by choice, our minds are not quiet enough to hear the guidance that God is trying to share with us. Our journey belongs to God; it’s His business. We have been selected to be present in the lives of those people traveling with us, but we are not present to direct those lives. Rather, we observe those lives, sharing our experience, strength, and hope when it is requested.
Releasing others to make their own journeys is not an easy concept. Our natural inclination is to offer guidance even when it’s not sought. But that prevents two things from happening: our companion doesn’t hear what he or she needs to hear from God, nor can we hear the message He may be trying to give us. But we are making progress. Every day this is so. And practice coupled with willingness is all that’s necessary. Being detached from the experiences, particularly the problems, of others gives us the time we need to learn all that we are to learn. We will not feel overburdened if we remember this.
NOV 19 061 Detachment is letting others take care of their own affairs. It seems like such a simple decision to let others be in charge of their own affairs However, we quite mindlessly put our attention on others with more than frequent regularity. Particularly among many of us who caringly raised children, we developed a habit that we transfer to other people who really don’t need our care. The habit becomes ingrained, and then we find ourselves in the position of doing for others what they really must do for themselves.
I don’t mean to suggest that we can’t help others. Being kind and accommodating are worthy traits. But we really must establish boundaries between what is helpful and what is suffocating. No one accomplishes what he is here to learn when any one of us does too much. The real beneficiary of letting others be in charge of their own affairs is ourselves, of course. It gives us more time to grow and to play. Practicing detachment must happen before it becomes an accomplished skill. For most, it’s a daily practice, in fact. And that’s okay. It’s worth it.
NOV 20 062 Attachment to people deadlocks our growth. Those women and men on our journey are blessings, for sure. Every one of them. Even those people who seem difficult to be around. It’s been said by the really wise that the more difficult an encounter, the greater the lesson and the ultimate wisdom gained. But if we let the presence of anyone on our path, those we adore as well as those we abhor, sidetrack us from the “work” we are here to do, we will be cheating everyone else too. That’s simply how it works. Our interconnection to all humanity makes this so.
Attaching ourselves to others seems like a natural response. The feeling of aloneness, of separation from others, is palpable and haunting. So then we cling to whoever wanders too close much like a moth to a flame. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, however. Wanting connection with others is good. It’s normal. It’s also very healing for both parties. But nurturing a connection for the purpose of healing our wounded inner spirit and forming an attachment that stifles the growth of either party are not the reasons we have found each other on this journey. We have found each other solely to act as listeners, healers, prayerful companions, not to be hostages to each other.
We are free to grow and help each other grow. Consider every expression of consideration like the raindrops that are so necessary to the seedlings a farmer plants each spring. We are doing our part every time we offer an attentive heart. Nothing more is asked of us. Being free to love and honor one another is the purpose of the journey. We can do this only when we allow our companions the freedom they need, the same freedom we too must value.
NOV 21 063 Detachment can be as simple as breathing and walking away. Detachment is a cold-sounding word, isn’t it? It suggests being unsympathetic, perhaps ignoring someone, or even worse, shunning them completely. Many are confused when they first hear the word. It wasn’t until I sat through many 12 Step meetings and read a lot of literature about letting others make their own journeys that I managed to get a glimmering of what detachment meant. My respect for the others on my path grew as a result of what I was learning, and this fostered greater respect for myself.
My guess is that your experiences somewhat mirror mine. Walking beside others is what we are here to do. That’s why others have gathered. But walking side by side is far different than pushing our specific direction on someone else. If our motive is to express joy about another’s journey, allowing her or him to have what fits for them, we are fulfilling God’s will for us. If, instead, we are directing traffic, we have usurped God’s role in their lives, and it’s time to back off.
Recognizing when it’s time to back off isn’t easy. I have been practicing detachment for many years and I still want to be the traffic cop at times. But I have learned a valuable lesson that I’d like to share. Whenever I decide to “take over,” or try to, it’s because of fear, oftentimes an unnamed fear, but fear nonetheless. At these moments, taking a deep breath and seeking to feel the presence of God allows me to shift my perspective and get into right relationship with Him.
Nothing about this is easy. But every effort we make adds peace to the world around us. And that’s a worthy commitment. Deciding to walk away from a person or a situation, instead of insisting we should be in charge, is appropriate unless we are directly being affected. Being willing to honestly assess our necessity to the outcome is the key.
NOV 22 064 Detachment can be enhanced by prayer.Very few people are born with the natural capacity to detach from the struggles, the anger, or the personal failures of those they love. I believe my own fear of how others’ behavior will affect me has prompted me to want to control others’ actions, opinions, and even their long-term goals. Learning to live without this inclination is what the journey is about. And it’s a daily reprieve when I practice letting go and relying instead on the Serenity Prayer when confronted with those situations and people who seem to be screaming for my involvement in their lives.
Embracing detachment is a wholesome commitment to make. It doesn’t make a culprit of anyone. Nor does it hold anyone hostage to whims and opinions. And best of all, it allow us to pursue the work that’s truly ours to do. Lest I make this sound too easy, let me assure you that I have spent years practicing this behavior.
At first I thought detachment meant ignoring others, turning my back on them completely. A mentor helped me to see that detachment meant loving others in the truest sense: letting them grow into their own skins, and not be extensions of me. What has made my occasional success with detachment possible, however, is vigilant prayer. God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
I wish I could say that I embrace healthy detachment every day, but some days I cling, some days I manipulate. Some days I am fearful and react in ways that surprise me. But I am teachable. We all are. Being open to prayer is a way to discover the power of detachment. It strengthens our willingness to live differently, to see God as a companion, not as a stranger; and to claim Him as a solution to anything that’s troubling us.
NOV 23 065 Detachment means giving up “hostages.” The word Hostage carries with it such a negative connotation, doesn’t it? It brings to mind war, prison camps, abductions, and criminal activities. In this Book, “hostage taking” has a less sinister meaning, but it’s still insidious if allowed to fester. Taking a hostage might be little more than the focused attention we devote to others. It could mean clinging tightly to some as he is trying to spread his wings. It may feel like love to the “host,” but to the hostage it generally feels suffocating.
Before I found the recovery rooms, I was an expert at hostage taking. If we are uncertain about our own path, our own future, if our own connection to a Higher Power is not secure, we can transfer that need for security into a need for constant attention from and for another person, an activity that will cause a friendship to wither and die. Our role in one another’s life is to nurture growth and peace and wholeness. This can only happen when the touch we offer one another is light, not tight. When we release rather than grasp. When we celebrate freedom, not stifle it.
It is possible to learn how to detach. As I have shared already throughout this book, I am a work in progress. What’s crucial to understand is that the hostage taker is in prison right along with the hostage. No one wins. No one grows. No one walks her intended path if bound to another person. If this message speaks to you, then let go. Now. The time is right. For both of you. Helping each other with a concept like detachment is such a blessing. Walking the walk is the best way to help, bit sharing our experience, strength, and hope is helpful too. We travel together as way-showers, imitating unhealthy behavior is not what we are here to learn. From among those we observe, let’s carefully choose the behaviors that will enhance our own and others’ lives today.
NOV 24 066 Detachment is letting the outcome of another’s behavior be his or her problem. Letting a friend or family member experience the consequences of his or her actions is not an easy decision to make. But it’s the right decision. If we try to lighten their consequences or assume them ourselves, we are interfering with the growth our companion is scheduled to experience. If we could only think of it in that way, we’d be better able to let go. We are scheduled for certain experiences as we journey along this path, every one of us. Learning how to detach is on our schedule, or we wouldn’t be sharing this book!
Thinking of it in this way makes the practice of detachment, which isn’t all that easy, far less frustration and more exciting. Knowing that we are being given these opportunities and challenges because we are ready for them, have been prepared for them in fact, and are serving as examples to others of what detachment looks like makes life here far more meaningful.
Our purpose in life is not always clear to us. Nor does it need to be. Likely we have more than one purpose in a lifetime. But clearly, showing up lovingly in the lives of others is one of the purposes we all share, and there isn’t a more loving way to show up than to act as a witness to another’s growth. Being a witness means being an observer. It doesn’t mean interference. It doesn’t necessarily require any words. It may mean quiet prayer, on occasion. It may mean offering a suggestion but only if one is requested. Witnessing is simply casting a loving eye on the person who has crossed our path for the moment or for a lifetime. This is an assignment we can all cherish and succeed at. Being a witness to one another is a gift we can have every moment of every day. This is why we have come together. We are not present, in this life, to be in charge of one another but to cherish the moment God has given each of us. Relish this time of observation and love.
NOV 25 067 Detachment is doing the “next right thing: without focusing on the outcome. Turning over to God the outcome of every situation allows us to act freely and with the trust that honors God. Our lives have been blessed repeatedly. Hindsight reveals this. Most of us can think of several times when we were “saved” from a dreaded outcome. And we know why, don’t we? God had a better plan for us than the one we were crafting. Simply doing what feels right in the moment is all that’s being asked of us. God is waiting to do the rest. He has always been waiting. Our job was and always will be to acknowledge Him.
This assurance is a powerful gift and one we deserve. We are God’s children, after all. There was a time in my past when I recoiled at this idea. Now I am relieved by it, I am comforted by it. My problems are solved by my remembrance of it. My work is to open my heart to God’s loving spirit and to pass on the peace and hope that passes through me. My job is not to direct the traffic around me. It’s to witness what’s present, seek a quiet place within, and ask God what my next action should be. Does that sound like a reasonable plan to you as well?
The more of us there are who step away from the role of directing the lives of others, choosing instead to pass on peace and hope and love and prayer, the greater will be the rewards reaped by all humanity. We are invited to carry this goodness forward. Letting God’s will prevail in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones allows peace to prevail in our hearts; surely this is peace that passes all understanding. Making our lives quieter, simpler, and more peaceful is a worthy choice. Letting God be God is how to do it.
NOV 26 068 Detachment is realizing that our lives are not dependent on what others are doing. We can live parallel and complementary lives, with intense and intimate joining, while not stifling each other’s journey. Each of us has been called to handle particular tasks, and we can appreciate those persons close at hand as witnesses. But that doesn’t imply that we need their approval or involvement to fulfill our purpose. Living in community, not in isolation, is the passageway to the healing. But living with others does not mean on top of others.
How freeing it is to know that we share this journey by design. Each one of us has a director who works in concert with us. We are the players, and the encounters we have with others happen according to the script that is destined to move us forward. The script does not have to be figured out alone. We have the guidance of God to see us through the good times and bad. They will balance each other out, even though we may feel that the bad times are relentless. It’s during those times that we may wish we could be dependent on others. It’s natural to feel that way. And it’s also fortunate that we are learning that healthy relationships rely on us relying on God and not on our human support system for our answers.
Being dependent on the actions of any person for our preservation or our definition has become a habit for many of us, and it prevents us from connection with God and His strength in our lives. Our answers are waiting for us. Let’s not tarry. Being too dependent on someone else for any reason doesn’t allow us to fully experience the sacred moments of our lives. Let’s not throw away those moments.
NOV 27 069 Detachment is showing by example, not words, how our lives can change. I was at a great 12 Step meeting today where several people shared how their lives had changed as the result of practicing the principle of detachment. After years of pleading, cajoling, and being angry and resentful with their “qualifier,” thy finally just accepted that their loved ones’ journeys were none of their business. The particular gift of this meeting was that a newcomer was able to hear the wisdom from all these people, wisdom each one had acquired over the last few months or years of coming to the fellowship.
Because each person who shared offered examples of how their behavior had changed, the newcomer was able to see that she could change her behavior too. Never was it guaranteed that the behavior of the addict would change, but the behavior of everyone else around the addict could and will change, in fact, if the principle of detachment is practiced.
That’s the beauty of sharing our experience, strength, and hope. Our failed past attempts to control someone on our path, when shared with others, can serve as examples that giving up control, as quickly as possible, will assure the best results. And it will allow the “controller” the relief she deserves, relief that will become inner peace in due time. Every one of us who sits in these meetings is being schooled in a new way of seeing and acting. An additional payoff is that the more any one of us mind our own business, the less we are contributing to the level of tension in our homes. The ripple effect of that decision is phenomenal. There are two kinds of business: my business and none of my business. This is a principle that can and will change every discussion that any one of us has. I invite you to practice this. And then watch the miracles occur. J
NOV 28 070 Detachment is looking at life from a distance. Removing ourselves from the thick of a situation that is really none of our business is another way of interpreting the meaning of detachment. It doesn’t mean being uninterested in the people who are close to us or in the ultimate outcome of a situation that has ensnared one of them, or not caring about the well-being of anyone else. It simply means letting the affairs of others belong to those rightful parties. This is really good advice and definitely the advice we’d get from a wise grandparent or mentor or God if we sought God’s help.
But thinking we need to be a critical part of the journey of every loved one, or sometimes even of mere acquaintances, and the solution that is always in process is owing to our own insecurities about letting others have their own very necessary lives, lives that may be moving in another direction without us.
Many of us have grown up in families that were overly involved in the tiny details of our lives, and our culture certainly fosters the idea that other people’s business is ours to resolve. This gets played out on the international stage every day. But there is at least one other way to look at the experiences we are privy to. We can learn to believe that our best efforts on behalf of anyone, anywhere, might be a simple hope or prayer that they will be willing to listen to God who is surely available to them. Wanting to be necessary to others is a form of codependency, and it’s not in anyone’s best interests. No one grows when that’s the intent of our interactions. Watching the activities around us with a sense of appreciation, and the knowledge that we are being honored by the opportunity to offer our prayers on behalf of all those participants, makes our involvement what it should be: loving detachment from a distance.
NOV 29 071 Detachment is knowing that you are not the center of anyone else’s life. Sharing our life with someone can be good, very good, in fact. And intentional, an important detail of God’s plan, you might even say. But living in the center of someone else’s life, cut off from our own dreams and aspirations, is like being caged, and the freedom that could and should be yours to experience is missing.
We aren’t present to each other here and now to act as strict bodyguards or to make demands on how life must be lived. We have divinely encountered each other because of the very special information each one of us has already acquired on our journey, information that is ready to be passed on. Giving away what we have been given is how we keep it. Remember? But if we narrow our focus too much and only dance to the tune of our current partner, we are not participating in give-and-take, and we are sidestepping what God may want next for our lives.
Living in the center of our own life may be a new experience. For all of us it’s been, at some time, a learned experience that we must practice. As children we naturally gravitated to the others in our lives, letting them define us, dictate to us, control us. But we can make other choices now. And life will never look the same. Not being controlled by someone else’s whims is the freedom we all deserve, but it’s the freedom we may fear claiming, too. It will wait for you. And when you take the plunge, you will never look back.
NOV 30 072 Detachment means following your own heart’s desire. More than thirty years ago, I read a book titled Following Your Heart’s Desire. It was an unfamiliar concept to me then. My life had always been about trying to decipher what was in someone else’s heart and then following that intention as though it were mine too. I truly didn’t know what my own heart desired, other than wanting to be the center of that special person’s life. I couldn’t imagine even what the idea meant. Being enmeshed with the many people I journeyed with seemed natural, as though that were our reason for being together. How long ago that seems and how much I have learned since then!
Enmeshment is deadly, actually, because it quickly depletes our energy. It denies the presence of the God’s voice residing within us that desires to be heard. And it finally kills our spirit. How sad that so many of us choose enmeshment as a way of life anyway. Perhaps it seems easier than searching our own hearts and minds for what matters to us. But when we don’t make the effort to discern who we need to be and what we need to offer to those who travel with us, we are misspending our lives and failing to reap the joys that come with following our own hearts’ desire.
Perhaps it’s time to revisit how we look at the opportunities and the people who share our current circumstances. Are we showing up as ourselves or as caricatures that we think they might better appreciate? If the latter, then think again. The only time we have to be ourselves, fully, is now. That’s what God wants from us. That’s what our companions prefer. And that’s what our heart desires too. Discerning where we need to be complementary and where we need to be true to our own inner voice is a sign of emotional maturity. It takes practice and willingness and time. All three are available to us.
I look back on those years with an understanding that I wasn’t capable of then. And a sadness that my parents didn’t feel okay about who they were, which in turn made them unable to see the good in others.
People who truly know God don’t criticize. Even when they observe a behavior that concerns them, they are far more likely to say a silent prayer. They seem to instinctively know that their purpose in another’s life is to offer love and support, and forgiveness, should that be called for. We are never called to be critics of one another. Way-shower, yes, but never critics. Being criticized by others need not affect how we feel about ourselves. And it won’t the more we practice detachment.
NOV 2 045 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible. Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice. Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
NOV 3 045 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible. Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice. Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
NOV 4 046 Attachment to anyone other than God imprisons us. For the first three decades of my life, I reveled in being “necessary,” or so I thought, to someone else’s life. If that someone was happy, so was I. If he or she was sad, I tried to make them feel better. If they were angry, I was certain I had done something wrong. My every mood was controlled by the feedback I received, either verbal or nonverbal, from them. My growth was stunted, and I didn’t even know it.
It wasn’t until I got involved in Twelve Step recovery that I discovered there were other ways to experience one’s life. Coming to appreciate that we are on shared journeys, not the same journey, has taught me many things. I have learned that what someone else sees is not what I need to see, that what he or she thinks need not be what I think. That how anyone else behaves doesn’t have to chart my course too. We are complementary to each other. We are not empowered to be in charge of one another. Being imprisoned by our attachments to other people in our lives keeps us from living the journey we are here to enjoy. It’s up to us to release ourselves.
NOV 5 047 Detachment is not letting the mood swings of others determine your own mood. In the early 1970’s, I read a passage in a book by a popular Jesuit priest that rocked my world. I realized then that my life had always been a reflection of how others responded to me. If their response was loving, I felt secure. If they seemed distant, I felt rejected. If their interests or activities didn’t include me, I could only interpret this as abandonment. I needed to be the center of any loved one’s life, and when that wasn’t the case, which was frequent, I was an emotional basket case. My life depended on others’ inclusion of me in their every waking moment. Needless to say, I had no real life.
Letting someone else’s behavior control our behavior negates our freedom of choice. It means we fail to experience the gifts of happiness and empowerment that come with making our own decisions. We can’t fulfill the assignment that is solely ours if we are at the mercy of someone else’s behavior, even part of the time. And if we aren’t doing that which we were born to do, we also slow down the progress of those who travel with us. We are part of an orchestra, you and me. We each have a song, a tune, to play. Yours isn’t mine, and vice versa. Being in charge of our own notes is the ultimate lesson for each one of us.
NOV 6 048 Detachment is practicing the awareness that changing our thoughts can produce changed feelings. We can change our minds, and the experiences in our life will reflect the change. For instance, try this experiment. The next time you are impatiently standing in line at the grocery store, say to yourself, “Everyone in front of me is here by divine appointment and needs my blessing.” Then notice how differently you feel inside. Notice how others begin to soften their gaze, too. If you see no change the first time you try this try it again. It works. When we change how we see others in our world, they do seem to change as well. They will begin to match our picture of them.
Coming to appreciate that we are not powerless over what we nurture in our minds, that we are, in fact in charge of our thoughts, gives us the hope and the promise that we can feel however we want to feel. We can be as happy, as hopeful, or as miserable as we want to be. No thought can hold us hostage. No feeling can hold us hostage. No person can hold us hostage. We are as free as we want to be. This gives us all the ammunition we will ever need to know that all is well. Always, all is well. Thoughts and feelings are intertwined. The good news is that each one of us is in charge of how we feel because of what we think. Our present is up to us.
NOV 7 O49 Detachment is knowing that happiness is the by-product of how we live our lives, not how others are living theirs. Allowing others to be glad or sad, and knowing it doesn’t relate to us, is real freedom. But coming to understand this way of life takes time, a willingness to believe in this as a possibility, and then perseverance. Few develop this awareness instantaneously. But whenever we accept this as a path for living, it becomes the first day of real freedom that we’ll ever experience.
Tying our happiness to anyone else means we probably also tie our sadness or confusion or depression to them, too. And many of us do live this way, or did. I have to admit this was my path for many years. Whatever anyone else said or did, however anyone else felt, was what determined my emotions. It’s a bit embarrassing to say that I lived this way into my late thirties. And if I had not been introduced to a Twelve Step program then, I might still be tying my star to someone else’s dream………..or nightmare. My path was not unusual. I know many others who struggled with the same issue; some still do. Our culture encourages it. But we can live differently. I know, because I do now. Happiness, as Abe Lincoln said, comes when we make up our minds to be happy. What freedom and joy this ensures. It allows us to model happiness for others, too.
NOV 8 050 Detachment is not needing attention from others to feel okay. It’s a common desire, for many of us, to want others to notice us, particularly when we are in the spotlight for a particular reason. Being listened to at home and by friends is important too. But that’s not the crux of this principle. It’s about getting comfortable enough with who we are to feel okay wherever we are, with or without the attention of others. Up to a certain age, many children seem to naturally have this confidence. And then they often lose it; some never regain it. But those who seek to understand themselves as well as others can generally reclaim it in time.
Not needing attention from others is far different than not wanting someone’s attention. Being dependent on getting someone’s attention holds us hostage to every relationship and situation we find ourselves in. It doesn’t allow us to work an equal partnership with others. It doesn’t free us to be who we are in the moment. We will be on guard to be who we think we need to be in order to stay in the good graces of our “captor.” We are not really living when that’s our path.
Checking our motives for our actions is very important. Are we doing what is in our hearts? Or are we doing what we think we need to do in order to get positive attention from others?
NOV 9 051 Detachment is being able to care deeply about a situation or another person from an objective point of view. There is a difference, a rather significant one, between caring for someone or some situation subjectively as opposed to objectively. From a subjective point of view, we are overly involved or influenced by someone’s personality, perhaps, or by their response to us. Or maybe it’s a cause that has caught our attention to the point of obsession. Not letting our emotions get out of balance for any reason allows us to offer what we really need to in every experience that touches us.
Being objective doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, it means that we will likely care, or not, for the correct, perhaps more rational, reasons. It often means our response can be trusted to have been freely offered, not coerced. It means we aren’t being unduly pressured to be for or against a person, an opinion, or a situation. Being able to stay detached when much of the world is trying to claim our adherence to a particular perspective is freedom at its best. Not being unduly influenced to be for or against a person or a situation gives us the breathing room we need to make up our own minds. Detachment, in this regard, lets us change an opinion at our own pace.
NOV 10 052 Detachment is not creating or preventing a crisis when it’s clearly not our business to be involved. Stepping away from a situation or another person’s experiences when we aren’t directly involved may seem unkind initially, especially if the person involved is a loved one. But whatever is happening in his or her life is for them to sort out, not us. Perhaps it’s acceptable to offer a suggestion, if asked, but if we get involved where and when we shouldn’t we will short-circuit the journey that needs to be made by them.
There’s an occasional situation in which a child is faced with a dilemma, and in that instance, we may need to be involved; but even then, we have to appreciate that the child’s journey is his, not ours. We can offer guidance, and probably should, but the outcome of the situation is between him and God. We are not, in the final analysis, part of the mix. And if a crisis occurs anywhere, unless we are part of the problem, it is not ours to fix. Recognizing our limitations when it comes to the experiences of others can be troubling initially. But we will see this as freedom if we are willing to believe that God’s plan for us is to live our own life, not someone else’s.
NOV 11 053 Detachment is letting others have their own opinions. My family of origin didn’t allow for differing opinions. My father insisted that we agree with him, or all hell broke loose. Whether the topic was politics or music, his opinion was the only right one and having one that ran counter to it was evidence of insubordination. I locked horns with him for years. I felt compelled to disagree, on my own behalf and on behalf of my mom and younger brother, too. My older sisters seldom got involved in “the dance” he and I did……………..a dance that continued long after I left home.
I grew into adult hood steeped in this pattern of behavior, a pattern that didn’t allow much room for discussion with anyone. I had to be right, just as my dad had had to be right. It wasn’t until my own recovery from drugs and alcohol that I understood what the need to be right was about. Fear was the root cause for my dad’s attempts to control how others thought. Fear prompted my own, too. Now I know there is nothing to fear. We come together by design. We learn by design. We let go, we detach, by design too, and peace blossoms within. Letting go of someone else’s journey is the most freeing experience we can have today. And it’s by far the best gift we can offer someone, too.
NOV 12 054 Detachment is being able to let others journey wherever they need to go. It’s not uncommon to assume that since we are generally in the company of family and friends, that our journeys must be similar. But what any one of us is here to learn is quite specific. The reason we are journeying side by side is that we need each other for support and suggestions; there is a difference, however, between sharing what has worked for us and trying to control how someone else should live his or her life.
Being able to detach from our loved ones is seldom easy. It doesn’t feel natural. In fact, it more commonly feels unsympathetic and self-centered. But that’s the value of practice. We learned our math tables by practicing them. We learn how to be skillful at golf or tennis or bridge through many hours of practice. In fact, Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers: the Story of Success, says that the key to success in any field requires practicing for it for ten thousand hours. Detaching is a skill too, and we can hone it if we are willing to work at it. The payoff is that our companions learn how to take responsibility for themselves and then rely on God, and we learn how to focus on the only journey over which we have any real control: our own! Watching our loved ones move through their experiences, and praying for them if the need arises, is our assignment, little else.
NOV 13 055 Detachment is knowing that you are not God. Ernest Kurtz wrote a book, published in 1979 and later expanded and republished in 1991, titled Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember thinking it was a strange title. I didn’t see how my attempts to control the outcomes to my life or the life of a loved one was playing God. I was just trying to be helpful. Admitting that I had no control was too frightening. Others might leave me if I didn’t try to control their movements. My future plans might not materialize if I wasn’t in control of them, or so I thought back then. Letting go of any person or situation, allowing the future to unfold as it might, was simply unfathomable.
The wisdom to let go, to detach from all behaviors or situations except those that directly involve us, exemplifies freedom. But many of us don’t seek freedom. We want enmeshment. We feel more comfortable in the throes of the chaos of someone else’s life. And until we have experienced freedom from that kind of attachment, and the joy it offers, we will continue to search for the person who will allow us to choose his or her life to live, rather than live our own. Giving up control may be the scariest thing we will ever do. And also the most rewarding. There is only one God, and we are not Him.
NOV 14 056 Detachment is no longer succumbing to the suggestions of others when they are not right for us. Being a people pleaser can cause us grief in myriad areas. For one, we can find ourselves knee-deep in the affairs of others far too often by getting talked into participating in experiences that don’t honestly appeal to us. We might agree to help a friend (because we feel we must) when we really don’t have the time, the money, the interest, or the energy. And every time we give a little bit of ourselves away in any of these ways, we lose the freedom and the time to devote ourselves to those special tasks that have been designated as ours while here in this life.
It’s not easy to say no when asked to do something. It’s not easy to decline a suggestion about how to handle a problem when a friend is offering it in kindness. But we must learn to read ourselves and listen to the Holy Spirit. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Others are on our path for a reason, that’s true. But doing someone else’s will is not why they are there. Saying no thank you may well be the biggest lesson and the most frequent opportunity we will experience every day. The times when we can say no, in a kind way, rather than saying yes and then resenting it, will occur, on a daily basis. This can make the next twenty-four hours rather interesting, too.
NOV 15 057 Detachment is being able to walk away from situations that are not helpful to us. I have practiced this very suggestion tens of thousands of times in the last thirty years. That’s why I know it’s possible. I won’t pretend that it ws easy the first few hundred times, however. I often had to force myself to leave a room or an argument of sometimes even a relationship. Too often I felt that just one more word from me would convince the other person that I was right. My inability to walk away escalated many disagreements. Frankly, I don’t think I even realized I had a choice to do it differently. What glory there is in knowing that that’s not the case. And in having the willingness to practice it.
Detaching from situations that are not helpful is one way every one of us reading this could add more free time to the day. Detaching from situations that are not helpful is a sure way of allowing for greater peace in our lives, too. But even more important, every time we choose this peaceful path, we add to the peace that’s felt around the world. One peaceful act is always multiplied many times over. Throughout the day we will confront many experiences that are best ignored or forgiven. The question is, can we? Every time we make the better choice for our peace of mind, we are making it for the peace of mind of millions of others, too.
NOV 16 058 Detachment is knowing that your life is God’s business, not yours. Accepting that my life was God’s business - and not my own - initially confused me. I didn’t doubt that God played a part in my life. I believed that God had a part in everyone’s life, in fact. But I was sure that my part was bigger than God’s that I had to create my life and that all the experiences that came calling were because of my actions. Listening to the inner voice and then doing the next right thing hardly seemed like a big enough part to be playing.
Giving God control over our lives doesn’t mean we no longer need to take responsibility for our actions. Instead, it means that what comes our way is meant for our growth and has been quite specifically sent, and that we do have a partner who will help us make whatever decision we need to make. We are not alone, not now or ever. God is present and is sending us the lessons that are ours to learn in concert with His divine plan that includes all of us. Responding in a loving, accepting way to the experiences that are sent to us is all that’s expected of us. We don’t have to fret over anything. We need not wonder what our next assignment should be. It will come calling.
NOV 17 059 Detachment is knowing what is not your business, This is a simple principle, really. What it comes down to is this: nothing is our business that doesn’t directly involve us. Our family members need to do their own “work”; our friends do, too. The strangers whose paths we cross are there intentionally, that’s a given. But that doesn’t mean their lives are ours to control. Our journeys are intersections for what each one of us needs to learn, and on many occasions, the lesson is simply this: mind your own business.
Minding our own business is not an unloving act. It doesn’t preclude listening to a friend. Nor does it mean we can’t share our own experience, strength, and hope if asked to do so. Minding our own business frees us to live our own lives. But even more important, it frees our fellow travelers to make their own discoveries and learn how to listen to their own inner guide. Once we get the feel of minding our own business, we realize how much more peaceful life can be. If peace is what we long for, there is one sure way to get it: we mind our own business.
NOV 18 060 Detachment allows us to hear God. When we are overly focused on the other people on our journey, even the loved ones who are with us by choice, our minds are not quiet enough to hear the guidance that God is trying to share with us. Our journey belongs to God; it’s His business. We have been selected to be present in the lives of those people traveling with us, but we are not present to direct those lives. Rather, we observe those lives, sharing our experience, strength, and hope when it is requested.
Releasing others to make their own journeys is not an easy concept. Our natural inclination is to offer guidance even when it’s not sought. But that prevents two things from happening: our companion doesn’t hear what he or she needs to hear from God, nor can we hear the message He may be trying to give us. But we are making progress. Every day this is so. And practice coupled with willingness is all that’s necessary. Being detached from the experiences, particularly the problems, of others gives us the time we need to learn all that we are to learn. We will not feel overburdened if we remember this.
NOV 19 061 Detachment is letting others take care of their own affairs. It seems like such a simple decision to let others be in charge of their own affairs However, we quite mindlessly put our attention on others with more than frequent regularity. Particularly among many of us who caringly raised children, we developed a habit that we transfer to other people who really don’t need our care. The habit becomes ingrained, and then we find ourselves in the position of doing for others what they really must do for themselves.
I don’t mean to suggest that we can’t help others. Being kind and accommodating are worthy traits. But we really must establish boundaries between what is helpful and what is suffocating. No one accomplishes what he is here to learn when any one of us does too much. The real beneficiary of letting others be in charge of their own affairs is ourselves, of course. It gives us more time to grow and to play. Practicing detachment must happen before it becomes an accomplished skill. For most, it’s a daily practice, in fact. And that’s okay. It’s worth it.
NOV 20 062 Attachment to people deadlocks our growth. Those women and men on our journey are blessings, for sure. Every one of them. Even those people who seem difficult to be around. It’s been said by the really wise that the more difficult an encounter, the greater the lesson and the ultimate wisdom gained. But if we let the presence of anyone on our path, those we adore as well as those we abhor, sidetrack us from the “work” we are here to do, we will be cheating everyone else too. That’s simply how it works. Our interconnection to all humanity makes this so.
Attaching ourselves to others seems like a natural response. The feeling of aloneness, of separation from others, is palpable and haunting. So then we cling to whoever wanders too close much like a moth to a flame. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, however. Wanting connection with others is good. It’s normal. It’s also very healing for both parties. But nurturing a connection for the purpose of healing our wounded inner spirit and forming an attachment that stifles the growth of either party are not the reasons we have found each other on this journey. We have found each other solely to act as listeners, healers, prayerful companions, not to be hostages to each other.
We are free to grow and help each other grow. Consider every expression of consideration like the raindrops that are so necessary to the seedlings a farmer plants each spring. We are doing our part every time we offer an attentive heart. Nothing more is asked of us. Being free to love and honor one another is the purpose of the journey. We can do this only when we allow our companions the freedom they need, the same freedom we too must value.
NOV 21 063 Detachment can be as simple as breathing and walking away. Detachment is a cold-sounding word, isn’t it? It suggests being unsympathetic, perhaps ignoring someone, or even worse, shunning them completely. Many are confused when they first hear the word. It wasn’t until I sat through many 12 Step meetings and read a lot of literature about letting others make their own journeys that I managed to get a glimmering of what detachment meant. My respect for the others on my path grew as a result of what I was learning, and this fostered greater respect for myself.
My guess is that your experiences somewhat mirror mine. Walking beside others is what we are here to do. That’s why others have gathered. But walking side by side is far different than pushing our specific direction on someone else. If our motive is to express joy about another’s journey, allowing her or him to have what fits for them, we are fulfilling God’s will for us. If, instead, we are directing traffic, we have usurped God’s role in their lives, and it’s time to back off.
Recognizing when it’s time to back off isn’t easy. I have been practicing detachment for many years and I still want to be the traffic cop at times. But I have learned a valuable lesson that I’d like to share. Whenever I decide to “take over,” or try to, it’s because of fear, oftentimes an unnamed fear, but fear nonetheless. At these moments, taking a deep breath and seeking to feel the presence of God allows me to shift my perspective and get into right relationship with Him.
Nothing about this is easy. But every effort we make adds peace to the world around us. And that’s a worthy commitment. Deciding to walk away from a person or a situation, instead of insisting we should be in charge, is appropriate unless we are directly being affected. Being willing to honestly assess our necessity to the outcome is the key.
NOV 22 064 Detachment can be enhanced by prayer.Very few people are born with the natural capacity to detach from the struggles, the anger, or the personal failures of those they love. I believe my own fear of how others’ behavior will affect me has prompted me to want to control others’ actions, opinions, and even their long-term goals. Learning to live without this inclination is what the journey is about. And it’s a daily reprieve when I practice letting go and relying instead on the Serenity Prayer when confronted with those situations and people who seem to be screaming for my involvement in their lives.
Embracing detachment is a wholesome commitment to make. It doesn’t make a culprit of anyone. Nor does it hold anyone hostage to whims and opinions. And best of all, it allow us to pursue the work that’s truly ours to do. Lest I make this sound too easy, let me assure you that I have spent years practicing this behavior.
At first I thought detachment meant ignoring others, turning my back on them completely. A mentor helped me to see that detachment meant loving others in the truest sense: letting them grow into their own skins, and not be extensions of me. What has made my occasional success with detachment possible, however, is vigilant prayer. God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
I wish I could say that I embrace healthy detachment every day, but some days I cling, some days I manipulate. Some days I am fearful and react in ways that surprise me. But I am teachable. We all are. Being open to prayer is a way to discover the power of detachment. It strengthens our willingness to live differently, to see God as a companion, not as a stranger; and to claim Him as a solution to anything that’s troubling us.
NOV 23 065 Detachment means giving up “hostages.” The word Hostage carries with it such a negative connotation, doesn’t it? It brings to mind war, prison camps, abductions, and criminal activities. In this Book, “hostage taking” has a less sinister meaning, but it’s still insidious if allowed to fester. Taking a hostage might be little more than the focused attention we devote to others. It could mean clinging tightly to some as he is trying to spread his wings. It may feel like love to the “host,” but to the hostage it generally feels suffocating.
Before I found the recovery rooms, I was an expert at hostage taking. If we are uncertain about our own path, our own future, if our own connection to a Higher Power is not secure, we can transfer that need for security into a need for constant attention from and for another person, an activity that will cause a friendship to wither and die. Our role in one another’s life is to nurture growth and peace and wholeness. This can only happen when the touch we offer one another is light, not tight. When we release rather than grasp. When we celebrate freedom, not stifle it.
It is possible to learn how to detach. As I have shared already throughout this book, I am a work in progress. What’s crucial to understand is that the hostage taker is in prison right along with the hostage. No one wins. No one grows. No one walks her intended path if bound to another person. If this message speaks to you, then let go. Now. The time is right. For both of you. Helping each other with a concept like detachment is such a blessing. Walking the walk is the best way to help, bit sharing our experience, strength, and hope is helpful too. We travel together as way-showers, imitating unhealthy behavior is not what we are here to learn. From among those we observe, let’s carefully choose the behaviors that will enhance our own and others’ lives today.
NOV 24 066 Detachment is letting the outcome of another’s behavior be his or her problem. Letting a friend or family member experience the consequences of his or her actions is not an easy decision to make. But it’s the right decision. If we try to lighten their consequences or assume them ourselves, we are interfering with the growth our companion is scheduled to experience. If we could only think of it in that way, we’d be better able to let go. We are scheduled for certain experiences as we journey along this path, every one of us. Learning how to detach is on our schedule, or we wouldn’t be sharing this book!
Thinking of it in this way makes the practice of detachment, which isn’t all that easy, far less frustration and more exciting. Knowing that we are being given these opportunities and challenges because we are ready for them, have been prepared for them in fact, and are serving as examples to others of what detachment looks like makes life here far more meaningful.
Our purpose in life is not always clear to us. Nor does it need to be. Likely we have more than one purpose in a lifetime. But clearly, showing up lovingly in the lives of others is one of the purposes we all share, and there isn’t a more loving way to show up than to act as a witness to another’s growth. Being a witness means being an observer. It doesn’t mean interference. It doesn’t necessarily require any words. It may mean quiet prayer, on occasion. It may mean offering a suggestion but only if one is requested. Witnessing is simply casting a loving eye on the person who has crossed our path for the moment or for a lifetime. This is an assignment we can all cherish and succeed at. Being a witness to one another is a gift we can have every moment of every day. This is why we have come together. We are not present, in this life, to be in charge of one another but to cherish the moment God has given each of us. Relish this time of observation and love.
NOV 25 067 Detachment is doing the “next right thing: without focusing on the outcome. Turning over to God the outcome of every situation allows us to act freely and with the trust that honors God. Our lives have been blessed repeatedly. Hindsight reveals this. Most of us can think of several times when we were “saved” from a dreaded outcome. And we know why, don’t we? God had a better plan for us than the one we were crafting. Simply doing what feels right in the moment is all that’s being asked of us. God is waiting to do the rest. He has always been waiting. Our job was and always will be to acknowledge Him.
This assurance is a powerful gift and one we deserve. We are God’s children, after all. There was a time in my past when I recoiled at this idea. Now I am relieved by it, I am comforted by it. My problems are solved by my remembrance of it. My work is to open my heart to God’s loving spirit and to pass on the peace and hope that passes through me. My job is not to direct the traffic around me. It’s to witness what’s present, seek a quiet place within, and ask God what my next action should be. Does that sound like a reasonable plan to you as well?
The more of us there are who step away from the role of directing the lives of others, choosing instead to pass on peace and hope and love and prayer, the greater will be the rewards reaped by all humanity. We are invited to carry this goodness forward. Letting God’s will prevail in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones allows peace to prevail in our hearts; surely this is peace that passes all understanding. Making our lives quieter, simpler, and more peaceful is a worthy choice. Letting God be God is how to do it.
NOV 26 068 Detachment is realizing that our lives are not dependent on what others are doing. We can live parallel and complementary lives, with intense and intimate joining, while not stifling each other’s journey. Each of us has been called to handle particular tasks, and we can appreciate those persons close at hand as witnesses. But that doesn’t imply that we need their approval or involvement to fulfill our purpose. Living in community, not in isolation, is the passageway to the healing. But living with others does not mean on top of others.
How freeing it is to know that we share this journey by design. Each one of us has a director who works in concert with us. We are the players, and the encounters we have with others happen according to the script that is destined to move us forward. The script does not have to be figured out alone. We have the guidance of God to see us through the good times and bad. They will balance each other out, even though we may feel that the bad times are relentless. It’s during those times that we may wish we could be dependent on others. It’s natural to feel that way. And it’s also fortunate that we are learning that healthy relationships rely on us relying on God and not on our human support system for our answers.
Being dependent on the actions of any person for our preservation or our definition has become a habit for many of us, and it prevents us from connection with God and His strength in our lives. Our answers are waiting for us. Let’s not tarry. Being too dependent on someone else for any reason doesn’t allow us to fully experience the sacred moments of our lives. Let’s not throw away those moments.
NOV 27 069 Detachment is showing by example, not words, how our lives can change. I was at a great 12 Step meeting today where several people shared how their lives had changed as the result of practicing the principle of detachment. After years of pleading, cajoling, and being angry and resentful with their “qualifier,” thy finally just accepted that their loved ones’ journeys were none of their business. The particular gift of this meeting was that a newcomer was able to hear the wisdom from all these people, wisdom each one had acquired over the last few months or years of coming to the fellowship.
Because each person who shared offered examples of how their behavior had changed, the newcomer was able to see that she could change her behavior too. Never was it guaranteed that the behavior of the addict would change, but the behavior of everyone else around the addict could and will change, in fact, if the principle of detachment is practiced.
That’s the beauty of sharing our experience, strength, and hope. Our failed past attempts to control someone on our path, when shared with others, can serve as examples that giving up control, as quickly as possible, will assure the best results. And it will allow the “controller” the relief she deserves, relief that will become inner peace in due time. Every one of us who sits in these meetings is being schooled in a new way of seeing and acting. An additional payoff is that the more any one of us mind our own business, the less we are contributing to the level of tension in our homes. The ripple effect of that decision is phenomenal. There are two kinds of business: my business and none of my business. This is a principle that can and will change every discussion that any one of us has. I invite you to practice this. And then watch the miracles occur. J
NOV 28 070 Detachment is looking at life from a distance. Removing ourselves from the thick of a situation that is really none of our business is another way of interpreting the meaning of detachment. It doesn’t mean being uninterested in the people who are close to us or in the ultimate outcome of a situation that has ensnared one of them, or not caring about the well-being of anyone else. It simply means letting the affairs of others belong to those rightful parties. This is really good advice and definitely the advice we’d get from a wise grandparent or mentor or God if we sought God’s help.
But thinking we need to be a critical part of the journey of every loved one, or sometimes even of mere acquaintances, and the solution that is always in process is owing to our own insecurities about letting others have their own very necessary lives, lives that may be moving in another direction without us.
Many of us have grown up in families that were overly involved in the tiny details of our lives, and our culture certainly fosters the idea that other people’s business is ours to resolve. This gets played out on the international stage every day. But there is at least one other way to look at the experiences we are privy to. We can learn to believe that our best efforts on behalf of anyone, anywhere, might be a simple hope or prayer that they will be willing to listen to God who is surely available to them. Wanting to be necessary to others is a form of codependency, and it’s not in anyone’s best interests. No one grows when that’s the intent of our interactions. Watching the activities around us with a sense of appreciation, and the knowledge that we are being honored by the opportunity to offer our prayers on behalf of all those participants, makes our involvement what it should be: loving detachment from a distance.
NOV 29 071 Detachment is knowing that you are not the center of anyone else’s life. Sharing our life with someone can be good, very good, in fact. And intentional, an important detail of God’s plan, you might even say. But living in the center of someone else’s life, cut off from our own dreams and aspirations, is like being caged, and the freedom that could and should be yours to experience is missing.
We aren’t present to each other here and now to act as strict bodyguards or to make demands on how life must be lived. We have divinely encountered each other because of the very special information each one of us has already acquired on our journey, information that is ready to be passed on. Giving away what we have been given is how we keep it. Remember? But if we narrow our focus too much and only dance to the tune of our current partner, we are not participating in give-and-take, and we are sidestepping what God may want next for our lives.
Living in the center of our own life may be a new experience. For all of us it’s been, at some time, a learned experience that we must practice. As children we naturally gravitated to the others in our lives, letting them define us, dictate to us, control us. But we can make other choices now. And life will never look the same. Not being controlled by someone else’s whims is the freedom we all deserve, but it’s the freedom we may fear claiming, too. It will wait for you. And when you take the plunge, you will never look back.
NOV 30 072 Detachment means following your own heart’s desire. More than thirty years ago, I read a book titled Following Your Heart’s Desire. It was an unfamiliar concept to me then. My life had always been about trying to decipher what was in someone else’s heart and then following that intention as though it were mine too. I truly didn’t know what my own heart desired, other than wanting to be the center of that special person’s life. I couldn’t imagine even what the idea meant. Being enmeshed with the many people I journeyed with seemed natural, as though that were our reason for being together. How long ago that seems and how much I have learned since then!
Enmeshment is deadly, actually, because it quickly depletes our energy. It denies the presence of the God’s voice residing within us that desires to be heard. And it finally kills our spirit. How sad that so many of us choose enmeshment as a way of life anyway. Perhaps it seems easier than searching our own hearts and minds for what matters to us. But when we don’t make the effort to discern who we need to be and what we need to offer to those who travel with us, we are misspending our lives and failing to reap the joys that come with following our own hearts’ desire.
Perhaps it’s time to revisit how we look at the opportunities and the people who share our current circumstances. Are we showing up as ourselves or as caricatures that we think they might better appreciate? If the latter, then think again. The only time we have to be ourselves, fully, is now. That’s what God wants from us. That’s what our companions prefer. And that’s what our heart desires too. Discerning where we need to be complementary and where we need to be true to our own inner voice is a sign of emotional maturity. It takes practice and willingness and time. All three are available to us.
