BELIEVING
October 1 A guilty conscience needs no accuser. English Proverb
Sometimes low self-esteem is a direct consequence of low-down behavior. This is what happens when we persist in doing things that simply are not estimable—to us or anyone else. Because we’re not psychopaths, we just don’t feel right about doing wrong.
In these situations, our self-estimate is accurate and appropriate. It’s the behavior, not our feelings, that have to change. Suppose we’re using alcohol or another drug as a substitute for skill and courage. We can’t continue to do that and hold onto our self-respect. Or perhaps we habitually lie and cheat our way through business deals. Although our pockets might bulge, our integrity is always part of the trade-off. Gross irresponsibility in any area of our lives has gross consequences—not the least of which is a burdened conscience.
In the short run, bad behavior may bring us fun, relief, or profit. But the cost runs up over time. The day will come when we can’t look at ourselves in the mirror or spend any time at all in the company of our own thoughts. Maybe then we’ll decide that the cost of willfulness was too high. Maybe we’ll stop the offending behavior and start to win back our self-respect.
Inner peace can’t be manipulated; if I don’t deserve it, I won’t have it.
October 2 Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.
Where the mind is, there will be the heart; we become what we think about. If that idea doesn’t halt you in your tracks, it should. Why? Our sense of self is totally reflective of our habitual thinking patterns.
What is our everyday mind-set? Is our attention always drawn to the flaws in people and things? Are we quick to notice that the soup is salty and the chairs uncomfortable? If that is our mental habit, the ugliness and human failure all around us will also be apparent. Our self-images will wear those same faces: ugly, sad, failed.
We come up with a different picture, however, if we learn to look for the good. Then we see other commuters on the freeway as fellow workers rather than as wheeled antagonists. Then we become aware of the care and love that cooked our dinner or brought us a birthday card. When we focus on the beauty in the world, knowing well that the opposite also exists, our self-images shine in the golden light. Let us take charge of our thinking habits lest they blind us to the light.
Self-esteem reflects whatever light the mind shines on the world.
October 3 To “know thyself” is to be known by another.
Self-help is synonymous with self-revelation. There will always be about as much personal growth as there is personal sharing. This is also the case with self-esteem. We know and value ourselves about as much as we are willing to let ourselves be known.
Talking isn’t necessarily sharing. There are those who seem never to stop talking—yet they say very little. Self-revelation has little to do with how much or how often we talk. It has to do with the content of what we say. Does anyone really know us? Do we allow anyone to actually set foot on the inside of the garden that we are?
Many among us have always lived behind a few or more closed doors. At some early, tragic time we learned it was not safe to share, not safe to reveal feelings, not safe to let ourselves be known. We became experts at camouflage, masters at hiding who we really were behind various, clever disguises. Some keep too busy to have in-depth conversation. Some present such a surly forbidding face that none dare draw near. And some respond to all questions with the word “fine” and let it go at that. Yet if self-esteem means we value who we are, hiding from others can only preclude that value.
Today, I can afford to take risks that I couldn’t afford yesterday.
October 4 The greatest success is successful self-acceptance.
Self-love is impossible without self-acceptance. As obvious as this may seem, as easy as it may be to run these words through our minds and out of our mouths, it is quite another thing to live as if we believed it. Hearing and repeating a truth are not the same as acting on it.
There’s more to accepting ourselves than just saying, “I do.” When we bad mouth ourselves over every mistake or overreact to every fault and foible we find in our character, our actions are saying, “I don’t” much louder that our words are saying the opposite. And our capacity for growth must be accepted, too. Until we come to deeply believe that improvement is not only possible but well within our grasp, we’re out of touch with our own potential. And how can we accept what we don’t know?
Finally, to accept ourselves is to accept that we are never “finished,” but always in process, always on the way, always becoming. It is to accept life itself as a journey and ourselves as travelers who, in spite of all our handicaps and limitations, are each and every one of us on the road to glory.
I can’t love what I can’t accept.
October 5 He who has once burnt his mouth always blows his soup.
Just as past experiences set up our expectations of what is to come, our expectations actually give form and shape to future events. Some people call this phenomenon self-fulfilling prophecy. Others just say, “I knew that was going to happen!” and never discover a pattern. But the fact is that expectations are the tracks our train runs on. As the tracks go, so goes the train.
That’s why, when we’re seeking to support our self-esteem, we need to find out just what our expectations really are. Do we truly expect to be happy? Do we really think that progress is possible? Do we honestly believe that we are capable of taking part in a loyal, committed relationship? Do we expect ever to have fun again?
It may be that we don’t. Perhaps the truth is an ingrained certainty that “this will hurt,” the worst will inevitably happen, failure and disappointment are right around the corner. If that’s the case, we need to know it so we can do something about it. If self-esteem is a train running on the tracks of our expectations, we may need to lay down some new track.
Past experiences only foretell the future if I permit it.
October 6 It is only too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything.
When our self-esteem account runs short, guilt is often the culprit. Not guilty in the sense of, “I took the money,” but “I am responsible for everything—so this must be my faulty, too.” There’s no surer way of depleting self-esteem than to take on the responsibility for everyone’s feelings, happiness, or need to be accepted. Nobody’s pockets are that deep!
Sooner or later our resources run out. Somebody’s feelings are hurt, somebody else feels rejected, and yet another person and another and another are lining up, waiting for a “happiness handout,” an ear to bend, a shoulder to lean on. Exhausted as we are, we may immediately blame ourselves for not having more to give. We may not see at all that our sense of obligation is seriously out of whack.
Managing self-esteem means trading in unhealthy guilt for healthy concern. Each of these responses to other people’s miseries is very different from the other. Unjustified guilt springs from a false idea about our role in other people’s lives. It implies that we are not only can but should do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Concern is the loving, caring interest that helps other people find their own answers.
Knee-jerk guilty is a setup for low self-esteem.
October 7 Ask a toad what is beauty?... A female with two great round eyes coming out of her little head, a large flat mouth, a yellow belly and a brown back.
What is estimable to one person may be insignificant to someone else. Everybody doesn’t aspire to the same ideals. It’s a good idea to remember that when we’re trying to build self-esteem by understanding ourselves and others. It is surprising how often we tend to assume that everyone of good sense and goodwill shares our predispositions and tastes. Then when they don’t meet our expectations, we fault them for missing the mark. The truth is that they may have been aiming in a completely different direction.
Several years ago a young recovering alcoholic, an ex-convict, was about to address a high school audience on the dangers of drugs and alcohol. The occasion was important to him, and he had slicked back his black hair and dressed in a brown silk shirt with ruffled cuffs, light brown pants of some shiny material, and spike-heeled Italian boots. As he watched the affluent, sweat-shirted, blue-jeaned students file in, his disbelieving comment was “My oh my, these guys sure dress funny!
I do not see the world the way it is. I see it the way I am. Other people have their own legitimate viewpoint.
October 8 Enjoy the present day, trusting very little to the morrow.
“Good days” are like pearls. One or two are lovely, but a long string is even better. What do we have to do to put together enough wonderful days to have a wonderful life?
No doubt the first thing is to be wise enough to want good days. Most of the time, in our habitual fatigue and stress and superficiality, what we yearn for is a “good forever.” Thoughtlessly, we brush off individual days as insignificant little crumbs of time that are too small to think about. Carelessly, we may let dozens or even hundreds of such perfectly fine days roll by without recognizing that each is a gift that will never come again. We let them run through our fingers almost without touching them, as if there were a limitless supply.
Yet our days are our lives. If we’re “saving” our interest and attention for something more important—what could that something be? It’s nothing but a mistake to think in terms of “when we go on vacation,” “after I get promoted,” or “when we retire.” What are we waiting for? If we’re not enjoying the good days we have right now, we may be turning our backs on the only pearls we’re ever going to get. Like all living things, our days are numbered. What we can do with our days is the only unlimited dimension.
Every one of my days is too precious to waste.
October 9 Where is there dignity unless there is also honesty?
Reconstructing self-esteem can seem very complicated and confusing at first. After admitting our need of help, we can easily be overwhelmed by the number of issues involved—physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, and behavioral. Where to begin? How to get started?
A good beginning is just to sit still and think about it for a while. No vigorous action is nearly so important as truly and deeply understanding that self-esteem is first and foremost a matter of integrity. Actions that reinforce a positive sense of self reinforce integrity and thus self-esteem. Actions that barter away even a small piece of integrity also barter self-esteem—no matter what the justification.
Carefully considering the integrity question is always the first step. What actions, grounded in thoughts and feelings, diminish our integrity? Are we stuffing feelings or acting out some compulsion? Are we not standing up for ourselves at work or at home? Spotting these self-limiting behaviors has to come before stopping them—or at least getting ready to. If we’re blind to the ways we sacrifice our integrity, we won’t see much improvement in our self-esteem, either.
I take responsibility for my own integrity.
October 10 Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to heaven.
Darin is a huge, hearty, outgoing fellow. From the outside you’d think he had never had a doubt about himself or where he was going in his whole life. But the truth of it is that he is racked with self-doubt and shaky self-confidence.
But he doesn’t just sit there and suffer. Darin has made an audiotape of positive affirmations, pep talks, and just plain no-nonsense “get your mind on the right track” kind of thoughts. The tape holding this mental gold runs on a very small cassette player that fits neatly into a hand, pocket, or lunch box.
One of Darin’s jobs after he lost his career of thirty years is driving a cab. “Anytime I don’t have a fare,” he says, “that recorder is on. People who see me driving around think I’m doing just that—cruising, looking for a fare. But what I’m really doing is getting my head screwed on straight. It works for me. It really works.” You just never know when you are going to meet a giant busy slaying dragons. And you probably won’t recognize him when you see him.
God helps those who help themselves.
October 11 I believe that it is harder still to be just toward oneself than toward others.
Why oh why is it so much easier to find fault with ourselves than to acknowledge a virtue? Why do we focus so intently on our failures and give scant nod to our successes? Why are we more inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to our neighbors than ever to ourselves? Self-esteem slips a notch with every harsh self-judgment.
Courage could have no better arena in which to practice its strength. We need to stop being so hard on ourselves. We need to start giving ourselves the fair shake we give to strangers. So what if we make a mistake? Where is it written that we should be perfect? So what if others can do something that we can’t do? Need everything be a contest? If we have done our best what else matters?
Learning to be fair, let alone gentle, with ourselves may take some grit and determination than learning to climb a mountain. The negative messages from the past may howl in protest as we dare to challenge them. The urge to discredit our efforts may be very great. But how sweet the day we first rise up and demand a fair shake from the naysayers within.
It takes courage to lay just claim to my own merits.
October 12 Better never trouble Trouble until Trouble troubles you; for you only make your trouble Double-trouble when you do.
Living in the present, as some Twelve Steppers say, is “simple, but it ain’t easy.” How often our fearful imaginings have borrowed trouble from the future, giving us headaches, stomachaches, keeping us awake at night. And all because we were living in some phantom tomorrow instead of today!
Some of us continue to have occasional “failure fantasies” when we’re well into recovery. Perhaps we’ve set ourselves up by getting too tired or cutting down on our support group meetings. Whatever the cause, we lose our grip on the present and project our anxiety into the future. “What if I get fired? Oh Lord, if I lose my job, my family will be out on the street. And these days there isn’t even a poorhouse to go to!”
O course, most of the worst things we conjure up never come to be. When we lose sleep or serenity over “what ifs” we need to remind ourselves that today is all we have. We can’t know what troubles will come tomorrow. We don’t even know if we’ll be here tomorrow. What we know for sure is that today is too precious to waste.
When I look for trouble, I often invent trouble.
October 13 The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave.
Replacing something that we’ve lost usually involves a lot of effort and aggravation. The loss of self-esteem is no different. As in any other area of life, catching up and patching up are poor substitutes for keeping up in the first place. What do we have to do to avoid self-esteem trouble? Are there maintenance techniques? Is there such a thing as a self-esteem tune up?
Vigilance is the heart and soul of loss prevention. Paying attention. Minding the details. Trouble spotting. These are the habits and skills that consistently confident people use to maintain and increase the gains they’ve already made. They don’t wait for a tiny leak to become a gusher. They don’t allow a speck of rust to grow into a creeping plague. They avoid the need for a major overhaul by repairing as they go.
Maintaining self-esteem means taking action on a daily basis. It means that we find the company of interesting, upbeat people who are as forward looking as we are trying to be. It means talking out small problems while they’re still small, promptly apologizing if an apology is due, and following through on our commitments whether we feel like it or not. It means reading inspiring literature before we’re desperately demoralized. In short, it means staying on duty.
Unless I allow a major breakdown, I won’t have to make major repairs.
October 14 Know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you. 1 Cor. 3:16
Is “dwelling” possible in this hustle and bustle world? To dwell doesn’t mean to visit once in a while. Where we dwell is where we are. The Scripture belief given above—all major religions have similar beliefs—clearly states that God dwells within as an ongoing, accessible, approachable presence.
The enormity of that belief and its incredible implications are awesome for any of us. But for those of us who started out life under spirit-starved conditions, the very idea seems as real as a moon made of green cheese. It’s not hard to understand why we automatically feel we must go it alone, that no help can ever really be counted on, that it’s safer to hope for nothing. There are real and well-remembered reasons why we put up those impenetrable walls of distrust and isolation in the first place.
Yet thousands and thousands of people throughout the ages have accepted the belief/truth that the “God within” is always there, available, and waiting. When they learned to hush themselves from overburdening worries, cares, fears, and vanities, they found that presence within. They felt themselves lifted with strength beyond their own. Because they were open, they were able to receive. Why not us?
Faith must be sought
October 15 Lives of great men all remind us we can make our lives sublime, and, departing, leave behind us footprints on the sands of time.
Greatness is certainly a relative term. When applied to people, it usually describes those whose achievements are unique, bigger than life even. Abraham Lincoln, Mother Teresa, and Christopher Columbus, for example, did great things that no one had ever done before. When the call to greatness came, they were there to answer it.
We are all called to greatness. Anonymous and ordinary as we are, that may seem absurd. But greatness has to do with doing great things, not with being famous. A well-publicized act of courage is no more courageous than an act done in private. Applause and recognition didn’t make our heroes heroic, their deeds did.
It is a great thing to challenge the status quo and demand more from life. And it takes real heroism to confront the personal demons that chain us to the failures of the past. Every time we make a move in this direction, we are rising to the call of greatness and marching with the giants.
Private heroism is heroism nonetheless.
October 16 A good Example is the best Sermon.
Caring people who get into recovery are often very quick to see how much their loved ones could be helped by getting into recovery, too. “Boy, could old Charlie profit from these principles,” we think to ourselves. “If only my mother would come to these meetings, listen to the speakers, follow the steps. It could sure make a difference in her life!”
As we grow in self-esteem, we want the people we love to grow, too. We may become holy terrors of recovery. In our zeal to share the enlightenment, we may actually attack other people with our well-meant enthusiasm. “Just read this! We may badger. “Just come along to this one meeting!” we may insist, as we hand them their coats and push them out the door. Because it’s all for their own good, we feel completely justified in begging, shoving, pleading, moralizing, and scolding.
But what our loved ones may really need is for us to back off. Not for us to stop caring, not to tolerate untolerable behavior, not to pretend that it doesn’t matter. Just to back off. Give them some breathing room. Lighten up. As much as we would like to share our new insights, manipulation and force are pretty unappealing recruitment techniques. Good example and attraction are far more powerful.
I defeat my best intentions when I try to force others to follow my path.
October 17 Loving and making relationships work are not the same thing.
Many people’s self-esteem is shaken if a promising relationship begins to deteriorate. This is true especially if that relationship was entered into with a heart full of love and “forever” expectations. When we find that somehow, some way it is not working, we simply can’t believe it. We always believed that if we loved enough, all other problems would solve themselves.
The truth is that loving and making a relationship work can easily be two different things. Successful relationships endure because of skills-not feelings. All the loving in the world does not necessarily translate into the ability to communicate, for example. To assume that these essential skills are present, when they are not, is to take a long walk on a short pier. Especially if our self-esteem rides on the back of that relationship.
The saving fact about skills, however, is that they can be learned. Lack of skill is no cause for loss of learning how to make a relationship work over the long haul. No doubt when we are more reliable, honest, and realistic, our relationships will have a better chance of survival.
Making relationships work takes more than love.
October 18 A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world: Everyone you meet is your mirror.
It’s easy to get lost in a forest of labels as it is in a forest of trees. Adult Children, co-dependents, recovering addicts by the hundreds of thousands seem to be moving in the same direction-but they’re all marching under different banners! Figuring it all out can be very confusing. Do the differences really matter that much?
It’s good to remember that all people who are striving to improve their lives are on fundamentally the same journey. By any name, the core effort of all these groups is the same: to embrace life from a positive self-definition. Because we view the world much as we view ourselves, the common task of all self-help groups is to help us grow out of the negative self-definitions that create negative results in our lives.
Those who have learned to define themselves as losers will lose. Those who define themselves as unlovable will not allow themselves to be loved. People who see themselves as victims will be at high risk for the abandonment they most fear. The goal of all groups is to support positive redefinition. No matter what our starting point, we are all on the same path. Growth is not a dozen journeys-it is one journey with a dozen names.
Labels point out differences that fellowship doesn’t notice.
October 19 Agreement is made more precious by disagreement.
In our longing for harmonious relationships, we can sometimes get very stubborn, very insistent, very hard-headed about how much agreement is possible-or even desirable-between two people. Somehow it becomes our very mission to inform, persuade, and convince the other that our way of thinking is better than theirs.
But real agreement can’t be forced anymore than love can. People have a right to their own opinions. They aren’t “wrong” if they disagree with our political or religious beliefs, our tastes in humor or leisure time activities. Different is just different. When we try to convert people against their will, the best we can hope for is sort of an arm-twisted conformity. They may go along with us on the outside, just to stop the argument, but true conversion is an inside job.
As we grow in self-esteem, we’ll have less need to impose our own views on other people. As we become more aware of and comfortable with the incredible diversity in ourselves, we’ll find it easier to allow diversity in others. Perhaps we’ll even come to appreciate and enjoy our areas of disagreement as the spice of life that they are.
Perfect agreement with others is an unrealistic goal.
October 20 When I finally realized there was no such thing as enough money, sex, or things to make me happy, I was finally on my way.
Low self-esteem often reveals itself as a hollowness in the pit of the stomach and an emptiness in the heart. That hole hurts. Many have attempted to fill that void with “goodies” that don’t do anything but make a bad situation worse.
George certainly was one of those. He had all the usual qualifications for low self-esteem-a long training session as a youth that taught him he had no rights and that he would never amount to anything. He heard the message loud and clear. He was totally unworthy of love. So he set out in a frantic search for something-anything-to heal the hurt within. His method was a nonstop scramble for more money, more sex, and more toys. He got plenty of everything he was after. Yet he found that none of them helped. When he finally discovered that the “Give Me More” trail always deadends, he began looking somewhere else. Eventually his journey took him into his own heart, where he found what he had been looking for.
Today, George has a different view. His face glows when he says, “I didn’t need to have more, I needed to be more. Now I have value and worth because of who I am. My happiness doesn’t depend on any outside condition or acquisition.” Nearly bursting with pride, he says, “I am me, I am okay, and that’s enough.”
Today I recognize my greediness as spiritual hunger.
October 21 There is always an enormous temptation in life to diddle around making itsy bitsy friends and meals and journeys for itsy bitsy years on end.
Habits of extreme caution can lead us to have small lives. If we only have trivial, lightweight interests, after all, we don’t risk much disappointment. Especially if we pursue those interests with a trivial, featherweight of passion. Risk little, lose little; that’s the way our thinking goes.
But passion is what makes life worth living. Passion is the big base drum that sets the beat and anchors the parade of life. Without good, sweaty, wholehearted involvement, our lives lack rhythm and bounce. It’s hard even to stay interested in, let alone feel good about, a life that is lived in mincing little half-steps.
To be fully alive, we must find an interest that we truly care about. Maybe it’s a hobby like bird watching or a cause like clean air. The only thing that matters is that we stop hedging our bets and go all out. The more excited and involved we get, the less itsy-bitsy will be our sense of self.
The measure of my passions is the measure of my life.
October 22 It is an easy thing for one whose foot is on the outside of calamity to give advice and to rebuke the sufferer.
“I’d never put up with that!” we say to ourselves as we hear a friend’s story of domestic violence. “I’d leave immediately! I’d hit him right back! I’d rat poison the dirty rat!” When neither the pain nor the decision is ours, we know exactly what should be done-and when and how as well. But that kind of righteous carrying on only doubles the hurt of our hurting friend. She’s already taking on more fault than she deserves. The last thing she needs is to hear us say how much better we would do in her shoes. Our self-esteem is not raised by lowering hers.
Better by far that we shut up and listen. Just allowing her to tell her own story at her own pace will give her some relief. No raised eyebrows, no dropped jaws; belief and acceptance are what we want to communicate. Then, when the story is told, we can offer whatever facts we have about protection under the law, crisis hot lines, and the availability of shelters.
Battered women have the right to make their own decisions-even wrong ones. Our sympathy doesn’t entitle us to step in and call the shots. Her sixed bag of fear, helplessness, and denial may still prevent her from accepting our advice. The most helpful thing we can do is to offer continuing availability and support. Accepting our own limitations is necessary to our own self-esteem.
Even in a good cause, I am wiser to be patient rather than pushy.
October 23 The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.
More than a few of us base our self-esteem on being tough! We pride ourselves on our strength and judge ourselves by an incredible standard of self-sufficiency. Never will we let anyone know that we’re in need. Just as likely, we’ll never admit it to ourselves, either.
Yet self-esteem, as true humility, is not the denial of truth but the admission of reality. To be a whining crybaby is one thing. But to acknowledge our own pain, need, or hurt is quite another. “I must never show weakness” is a mandate that leads to disaster. It betrays an immature attitude that must be outgrown if our self-esteem is to grow.
Denial of pain only drives the pain deeper, Commonly, repressed emotional hurt reveals itself in headaches, backaches, and stomach disorders. Perhaps the toughest people are those who have the courage to reach out for help when they need it-before their bodies cry out against the emotional turmoil that we were too “tough” to deal with.
Weakness parading under a banner of strength can cost me my health.
October 24 A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
We have often heard that no one can make us miserable without our permission. A corollary of that idea is also true: No one or nothing can make us comfortable without our own approval.
Suppose every one of our wishes and dreams came true. Suddenly we have everything we always thought it would take to make us happy. Would that do it? Would our itch finally be scratched? Perhaps not. The fact is that it is something within, not treasures from without, that grants or withholds satisfaction. In other words, we usually need to “grow into” serenity.
If the lottery winner hasn’t grown enough to handle new wealth, that prize may turn out to be a curse. If a golden opportunity arrives before we are prepared for it, it’s just another reason to get down on ourselves. And our dreams of love and romance can easily be short-term if we don’t have the personal stability to hold up our end of a relationship. Readiness can’t be faked or wished into being. More inner growth may be necessary before we’re capable of receiving what we most want.
Working my daily program prepares me for whatever comes.
October 25 What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
Some people defend themselves, and thus their self-esteem, by wearing an armored suit of cynicism. The worst thing they can imagine is being “taken” in any way. The shame and humiliation of being set up and then let down would be nothing short of unbearable. So every morning they strap on their armor plates and go clunking through another day, stifling, sweating, but puncture-proof, by golly! Nobody’s ever going to get the better of them.
But the armor wearers aren’t going to get the best of themselves, either. Too much is locked inside-good, human stuff like hope and tenderness and sincerity. It isn’t possible to be so distrustful and defensive about other people without looking at ourselves in the same dim light. It isn’t healthy to think of ourselves as so vulnerable that we couldn’t survive even a pinprick of disappointment or deceit.
We can’t use pessimism and suspicion to protect ourselves without becoming mummified. We can’t learn to believe in ourselves and also have a sneering disbelief in the motives and integrity of every person we meet. And we certainly can’t ever dance under all that armor. No. Until we rid ourselves of cynicism, the only step we know goes clunk, clunk, clunk.
As I gain confidence, my defensiveness fades.
October 26 The first duty of love is to listen.
Dan and his daughter Sissy had been clashing for years. He found her unconventional lifestyle just as outrageous and unacceptable as she found his righteous criticism. Round after round of angry insults, like buckshot, had riddled the self-esteem of both father and daughter.
Then they went in to counseling. In the presence of a third person, each of them had a chance to talk without interruption. In that safe environment, swords were sheathed, shields were lowered, wounds were allowed to get some healing air. Amazingly, they began to see each other without shouting or accusing. By listening, each began to see, if not agree with, the other’s point of view.
Dan had sincerely believed that Sissy’s manner and dress were simply defiance of his authority. He learned that her style had nothing to do with him. It was merely her way to fit in, to be part of the group. Sissy learned that Dan didn’t really want his own way so much as he wanted her safety from harm. He saw her far-out clothing and haircut as abnormal and dangerous. Slowly, as each came to understand the other a little better, they came to accept each other as human beings with different opinions, rather than as enemies locked in fatal combat. By listening and learning, they were able to call off the war and both be winners.
Understanding is a healing balm.
October 27 This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves.
To protect our own integrity and peace of mind, we may have to redefine the word love. Sometimes no is the kindest word we can say to a family member or close friend who’s in serious trouble with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or any other ravaging obsessions. Their suffering pushes all our “rescue” buttons. What we feel like doing is straightening out their messes and protecting them from further harm. If we could, we would banish all their miseries with the touch of a magic wand! But we can’t often the only thing we can do to help our self-destructive loved ones is to stop helping completely. As hard as it is, as unnatural as it feels, we may have to make some or all of the following declarations of love is we want to shorten our loved one’s path to the recovery turnoff.
Whoever said that love was easy?
October 28 Most ignorance is vincible ignorance. We don’t know because we don’t want to know.
Some very smart people choose to “dumb out” when they can’t bear to face what’s going on. They simply refuse to read the writing on the wall. Then, when absolutely predictable consequences erupt, they cry out, “I had no idea! Someone should have told me! How could I have known?” Their self-esteem is undercut because they wouldn’t look at the writing on the wall.
Of course, there are plenty of ways they could have known. Early warning signs are hard to miss unless we want to miss them. Marriages don’t crumble in an instant. Our children don’t develop full-fledged drug problems in a single night out. There were signs and symptoms all along.
Some situations genuinely take us by surprise. They couldn’t have been anticipated or avoided. But other situations might have been nipped in the bud; they became disasters because we weren’t willing to open our eyes and see the truth that was staring us in the face all along. We didn’t know because it seemed to us that knowing would be too hard. But at least when we know, we can do something about it.
Deliberate ignorance is a cowardly way of avoiding responsibility.
October 29 We do not know one millionth of one percent about anything. Thomas Alva Edison
Like anything else we think we know, self-concept is a product of information. Because self-esteem is built on self-concept, it’s important to check out our data from time to time. How much of the information we’ve acquired about ourselves is misinformation? How much of it is opinion rather than fact? How much is outdated?
Many of the key “acts” we use to define ourselves come to us from others, of course. It is their reactions, impressions, and judgments that at least initially dispose us to believe certain “truths” about who we are and how we are. Who were our most important sources of information when we were children? Who are they now? As we look back, can we say that those early information givers were reliable and accurate? How about the sources who give us input today?
On a daily basis, self-esteem is either supported or weakened by our processing of outside information. That’s why we need to be very selective about our sources and even then to be very careful about accepting counterfeit “facts” for the real thing. As self-confidence grows, so does our ability to reject flawed information before we take it in.
Much of what I “know” about myself might be fallacy rather than fact.
October 30 When I’m not thanked at all, I’m thanked enough, I’ve done my duty, and I’ve done no more.
Allen had just spent all evening sharing years of hard-won wisdom with a man who had asked for his help. Allen suggested a plan of action and then promised that he would help the new man every step of the way, if that was the man’s wish. He gave the man his phone number and encouraged him to call at any time.
The next day Allen’s teenage daughter congratulated him on his generosity. “I know you wanted to watch the play-offs on TV last night,” she said, “but you spent all that time with somebody you don’t even know! “What a good deed, Dad!” Surprised, Allen responded, “Oh, that wasn’t generosity. I was paying back my debt to the universe for all the help others have given me.”
Allen is right. As far as he has yet to go on his own path, he only got this far because he had help. Unlike some, he has not forgotten all the hands that reached out to him, patting, prodding, lifting him up. He knows it’s his turn. In Allen’s economy, fair is no less and no more than fair. Integrity demands that debts must be paid.
No one goes alone. Either I take others with me or I don’t go myself.
October 31 Getting people to like you is only the other side of liking them.
Oh, to be popular! Although we don’t usually talk about it beyond our teenage years, there’s not a one of us who doesn’t want to be sought out, liked, and admired. In no small way, our perceived popularity makes or breaks us. That’s how crucial the love and acceptance of others is to our self-esteem. It’s the wind beneath our wings.
Authors have made fortunes by telling us how to achieve popularity. But it doesn’t cost a fortune to take a look at the evidence all around us. Courteous people, especially when they’re courteous to those they don’t need, earn respect and friendship wherever they go. Good listeners are always thought to be wise as well as likable. People who remember our names and ask about our families are welcomed warmly. And we have a special place in our hearts for people who have lent us a hand before we had to ask.
Making friends is not a technique; it’s the natural activity of being a friend. If you want to be liked, first like other people. Wisdom doesn’t get any simpler than that.
Prescription for popularity: Like other people and let them know it.
October 1 A guilty conscience needs no accuser. English Proverb
Sometimes low self-esteem is a direct consequence of low-down behavior. This is what happens when we persist in doing things that simply are not estimable—to us or anyone else. Because we’re not psychopaths, we just don’t feel right about doing wrong.
In these situations, our self-estimate is accurate and appropriate. It’s the behavior, not our feelings, that have to change. Suppose we’re using alcohol or another drug as a substitute for skill and courage. We can’t continue to do that and hold onto our self-respect. Or perhaps we habitually lie and cheat our way through business deals. Although our pockets might bulge, our integrity is always part of the trade-off. Gross irresponsibility in any area of our lives has gross consequences—not the least of which is a burdened conscience.
In the short run, bad behavior may bring us fun, relief, or profit. But the cost runs up over time. The day will come when we can’t look at ourselves in the mirror or spend any time at all in the company of our own thoughts. Maybe then we’ll decide that the cost of willfulness was too high. Maybe we’ll stop the offending behavior and start to win back our self-respect.
Inner peace can’t be manipulated; if I don’t deserve it, I won’t have it.
October 2 Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.
Where the mind is, there will be the heart; we become what we think about. If that idea doesn’t halt you in your tracks, it should. Why? Our sense of self is totally reflective of our habitual thinking patterns.
What is our everyday mind-set? Is our attention always drawn to the flaws in people and things? Are we quick to notice that the soup is salty and the chairs uncomfortable? If that is our mental habit, the ugliness and human failure all around us will also be apparent. Our self-images will wear those same faces: ugly, sad, failed.
We come up with a different picture, however, if we learn to look for the good. Then we see other commuters on the freeway as fellow workers rather than as wheeled antagonists. Then we become aware of the care and love that cooked our dinner or brought us a birthday card. When we focus on the beauty in the world, knowing well that the opposite also exists, our self-images shine in the golden light. Let us take charge of our thinking habits lest they blind us to the light.
Self-esteem reflects whatever light the mind shines on the world.
October 3 To “know thyself” is to be known by another.
Self-help is synonymous with self-revelation. There will always be about as much personal growth as there is personal sharing. This is also the case with self-esteem. We know and value ourselves about as much as we are willing to let ourselves be known.
Talking isn’t necessarily sharing. There are those who seem never to stop talking—yet they say very little. Self-revelation has little to do with how much or how often we talk. It has to do with the content of what we say. Does anyone really know us? Do we allow anyone to actually set foot on the inside of the garden that we are?
Many among us have always lived behind a few or more closed doors. At some early, tragic time we learned it was not safe to share, not safe to reveal feelings, not safe to let ourselves be known. We became experts at camouflage, masters at hiding who we really were behind various, clever disguises. Some keep too busy to have in-depth conversation. Some present such a surly forbidding face that none dare draw near. And some respond to all questions with the word “fine” and let it go at that. Yet if self-esteem means we value who we are, hiding from others can only preclude that value.
Today, I can afford to take risks that I couldn’t afford yesterday.
October 4 The greatest success is successful self-acceptance.
Self-love is impossible without self-acceptance. As obvious as this may seem, as easy as it may be to run these words through our minds and out of our mouths, it is quite another thing to live as if we believed it. Hearing and repeating a truth are not the same as acting on it.
There’s more to accepting ourselves than just saying, “I do.” When we bad mouth ourselves over every mistake or overreact to every fault and foible we find in our character, our actions are saying, “I don’t” much louder that our words are saying the opposite. And our capacity for growth must be accepted, too. Until we come to deeply believe that improvement is not only possible but well within our grasp, we’re out of touch with our own potential. And how can we accept what we don’t know?
Finally, to accept ourselves is to accept that we are never “finished,” but always in process, always on the way, always becoming. It is to accept life itself as a journey and ourselves as travelers who, in spite of all our handicaps and limitations, are each and every one of us on the road to glory.
I can’t love what I can’t accept.
October 5 He who has once burnt his mouth always blows his soup.
Just as past experiences set up our expectations of what is to come, our expectations actually give form and shape to future events. Some people call this phenomenon self-fulfilling prophecy. Others just say, “I knew that was going to happen!” and never discover a pattern. But the fact is that expectations are the tracks our train runs on. As the tracks go, so goes the train.
That’s why, when we’re seeking to support our self-esteem, we need to find out just what our expectations really are. Do we truly expect to be happy? Do we really think that progress is possible? Do we honestly believe that we are capable of taking part in a loyal, committed relationship? Do we expect ever to have fun again?
It may be that we don’t. Perhaps the truth is an ingrained certainty that “this will hurt,” the worst will inevitably happen, failure and disappointment are right around the corner. If that’s the case, we need to know it so we can do something about it. If self-esteem is a train running on the tracks of our expectations, we may need to lay down some new track.
Past experiences only foretell the future if I permit it.
October 6 It is only too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything.
When our self-esteem account runs short, guilt is often the culprit. Not guilty in the sense of, “I took the money,” but “I am responsible for everything—so this must be my faulty, too.” There’s no surer way of depleting self-esteem than to take on the responsibility for everyone’s feelings, happiness, or need to be accepted. Nobody’s pockets are that deep!
Sooner or later our resources run out. Somebody’s feelings are hurt, somebody else feels rejected, and yet another person and another and another are lining up, waiting for a “happiness handout,” an ear to bend, a shoulder to lean on. Exhausted as we are, we may immediately blame ourselves for not having more to give. We may not see at all that our sense of obligation is seriously out of whack.
Managing self-esteem means trading in unhealthy guilt for healthy concern. Each of these responses to other people’s miseries is very different from the other. Unjustified guilt springs from a false idea about our role in other people’s lives. It implies that we are not only can but should do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Concern is the loving, caring interest that helps other people find their own answers.
Knee-jerk guilty is a setup for low self-esteem.
October 7 Ask a toad what is beauty?... A female with two great round eyes coming out of her little head, a large flat mouth, a yellow belly and a brown back.
What is estimable to one person may be insignificant to someone else. Everybody doesn’t aspire to the same ideals. It’s a good idea to remember that when we’re trying to build self-esteem by understanding ourselves and others. It is surprising how often we tend to assume that everyone of good sense and goodwill shares our predispositions and tastes. Then when they don’t meet our expectations, we fault them for missing the mark. The truth is that they may have been aiming in a completely different direction.
Several years ago a young recovering alcoholic, an ex-convict, was about to address a high school audience on the dangers of drugs and alcohol. The occasion was important to him, and he had slicked back his black hair and dressed in a brown silk shirt with ruffled cuffs, light brown pants of some shiny material, and spike-heeled Italian boots. As he watched the affluent, sweat-shirted, blue-jeaned students file in, his disbelieving comment was “My oh my, these guys sure dress funny!
I do not see the world the way it is. I see it the way I am. Other people have their own legitimate viewpoint.
October 8 Enjoy the present day, trusting very little to the morrow.
“Good days” are like pearls. One or two are lovely, but a long string is even better. What do we have to do to put together enough wonderful days to have a wonderful life?
No doubt the first thing is to be wise enough to want good days. Most of the time, in our habitual fatigue and stress and superficiality, what we yearn for is a “good forever.” Thoughtlessly, we brush off individual days as insignificant little crumbs of time that are too small to think about. Carelessly, we may let dozens or even hundreds of such perfectly fine days roll by without recognizing that each is a gift that will never come again. We let them run through our fingers almost without touching them, as if there were a limitless supply.
Yet our days are our lives. If we’re “saving” our interest and attention for something more important—what could that something be? It’s nothing but a mistake to think in terms of “when we go on vacation,” “after I get promoted,” or “when we retire.” What are we waiting for? If we’re not enjoying the good days we have right now, we may be turning our backs on the only pearls we’re ever going to get. Like all living things, our days are numbered. What we can do with our days is the only unlimited dimension.
Every one of my days is too precious to waste.
October 9 Where is there dignity unless there is also honesty?
Reconstructing self-esteem can seem very complicated and confusing at first. After admitting our need of help, we can easily be overwhelmed by the number of issues involved—physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, and behavioral. Where to begin? How to get started?
A good beginning is just to sit still and think about it for a while. No vigorous action is nearly so important as truly and deeply understanding that self-esteem is first and foremost a matter of integrity. Actions that reinforce a positive sense of self reinforce integrity and thus self-esteem. Actions that barter away even a small piece of integrity also barter self-esteem—no matter what the justification.
Carefully considering the integrity question is always the first step. What actions, grounded in thoughts and feelings, diminish our integrity? Are we stuffing feelings or acting out some compulsion? Are we not standing up for ourselves at work or at home? Spotting these self-limiting behaviors has to come before stopping them—or at least getting ready to. If we’re blind to the ways we sacrifice our integrity, we won’t see much improvement in our self-esteem, either.
I take responsibility for my own integrity.
October 10 Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to heaven.
Darin is a huge, hearty, outgoing fellow. From the outside you’d think he had never had a doubt about himself or where he was going in his whole life. But the truth of it is that he is racked with self-doubt and shaky self-confidence.
But he doesn’t just sit there and suffer. Darin has made an audiotape of positive affirmations, pep talks, and just plain no-nonsense “get your mind on the right track” kind of thoughts. The tape holding this mental gold runs on a very small cassette player that fits neatly into a hand, pocket, or lunch box.
One of Darin’s jobs after he lost his career of thirty years is driving a cab. “Anytime I don’t have a fare,” he says, “that recorder is on. People who see me driving around think I’m doing just that—cruising, looking for a fare. But what I’m really doing is getting my head screwed on straight. It works for me. It really works.” You just never know when you are going to meet a giant busy slaying dragons. And you probably won’t recognize him when you see him.
God helps those who help themselves.
October 11 I believe that it is harder still to be just toward oneself than toward others.
Why oh why is it so much easier to find fault with ourselves than to acknowledge a virtue? Why do we focus so intently on our failures and give scant nod to our successes? Why are we more inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to our neighbors than ever to ourselves? Self-esteem slips a notch with every harsh self-judgment.
Courage could have no better arena in which to practice its strength. We need to stop being so hard on ourselves. We need to start giving ourselves the fair shake we give to strangers. So what if we make a mistake? Where is it written that we should be perfect? So what if others can do something that we can’t do? Need everything be a contest? If we have done our best what else matters?
Learning to be fair, let alone gentle, with ourselves may take some grit and determination than learning to climb a mountain. The negative messages from the past may howl in protest as we dare to challenge them. The urge to discredit our efforts may be very great. But how sweet the day we first rise up and demand a fair shake from the naysayers within.
It takes courage to lay just claim to my own merits.
October 12 Better never trouble Trouble until Trouble troubles you; for you only make your trouble Double-trouble when you do.
Living in the present, as some Twelve Steppers say, is “simple, but it ain’t easy.” How often our fearful imaginings have borrowed trouble from the future, giving us headaches, stomachaches, keeping us awake at night. And all because we were living in some phantom tomorrow instead of today!
Some of us continue to have occasional “failure fantasies” when we’re well into recovery. Perhaps we’ve set ourselves up by getting too tired or cutting down on our support group meetings. Whatever the cause, we lose our grip on the present and project our anxiety into the future. “What if I get fired? Oh Lord, if I lose my job, my family will be out on the street. And these days there isn’t even a poorhouse to go to!”
O course, most of the worst things we conjure up never come to be. When we lose sleep or serenity over “what ifs” we need to remind ourselves that today is all we have. We can’t know what troubles will come tomorrow. We don’t even know if we’ll be here tomorrow. What we know for sure is that today is too precious to waste.
When I look for trouble, I often invent trouble.
October 13 The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave.
Replacing something that we’ve lost usually involves a lot of effort and aggravation. The loss of self-esteem is no different. As in any other area of life, catching up and patching up are poor substitutes for keeping up in the first place. What do we have to do to avoid self-esteem trouble? Are there maintenance techniques? Is there such a thing as a self-esteem tune up?
Vigilance is the heart and soul of loss prevention. Paying attention. Minding the details. Trouble spotting. These are the habits and skills that consistently confident people use to maintain and increase the gains they’ve already made. They don’t wait for a tiny leak to become a gusher. They don’t allow a speck of rust to grow into a creeping plague. They avoid the need for a major overhaul by repairing as they go.
Maintaining self-esteem means taking action on a daily basis. It means that we find the company of interesting, upbeat people who are as forward looking as we are trying to be. It means talking out small problems while they’re still small, promptly apologizing if an apology is due, and following through on our commitments whether we feel like it or not. It means reading inspiring literature before we’re desperately demoralized. In short, it means staying on duty.
Unless I allow a major breakdown, I won’t have to make major repairs.
October 14 Know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you. 1 Cor. 3:16
Is “dwelling” possible in this hustle and bustle world? To dwell doesn’t mean to visit once in a while. Where we dwell is where we are. The Scripture belief given above—all major religions have similar beliefs—clearly states that God dwells within as an ongoing, accessible, approachable presence.
The enormity of that belief and its incredible implications are awesome for any of us. But for those of us who started out life under spirit-starved conditions, the very idea seems as real as a moon made of green cheese. It’s not hard to understand why we automatically feel we must go it alone, that no help can ever really be counted on, that it’s safer to hope for nothing. There are real and well-remembered reasons why we put up those impenetrable walls of distrust and isolation in the first place.
Yet thousands and thousands of people throughout the ages have accepted the belief/truth that the “God within” is always there, available, and waiting. When they learned to hush themselves from overburdening worries, cares, fears, and vanities, they found that presence within. They felt themselves lifted with strength beyond their own. Because they were open, they were able to receive. Why not us?
Faith must be sought
October 15 Lives of great men all remind us we can make our lives sublime, and, departing, leave behind us footprints on the sands of time.
Greatness is certainly a relative term. When applied to people, it usually describes those whose achievements are unique, bigger than life even. Abraham Lincoln, Mother Teresa, and Christopher Columbus, for example, did great things that no one had ever done before. When the call to greatness came, they were there to answer it.
We are all called to greatness. Anonymous and ordinary as we are, that may seem absurd. But greatness has to do with doing great things, not with being famous. A well-publicized act of courage is no more courageous than an act done in private. Applause and recognition didn’t make our heroes heroic, their deeds did.
It is a great thing to challenge the status quo and demand more from life. And it takes real heroism to confront the personal demons that chain us to the failures of the past. Every time we make a move in this direction, we are rising to the call of greatness and marching with the giants.
Private heroism is heroism nonetheless.
October 16 A good Example is the best Sermon.
Caring people who get into recovery are often very quick to see how much their loved ones could be helped by getting into recovery, too. “Boy, could old Charlie profit from these principles,” we think to ourselves. “If only my mother would come to these meetings, listen to the speakers, follow the steps. It could sure make a difference in her life!”
As we grow in self-esteem, we want the people we love to grow, too. We may become holy terrors of recovery. In our zeal to share the enlightenment, we may actually attack other people with our well-meant enthusiasm. “Just read this! We may badger. “Just come along to this one meeting!” we may insist, as we hand them their coats and push them out the door. Because it’s all for their own good, we feel completely justified in begging, shoving, pleading, moralizing, and scolding.
But what our loved ones may really need is for us to back off. Not for us to stop caring, not to tolerate untolerable behavior, not to pretend that it doesn’t matter. Just to back off. Give them some breathing room. Lighten up. As much as we would like to share our new insights, manipulation and force are pretty unappealing recruitment techniques. Good example and attraction are far more powerful.
I defeat my best intentions when I try to force others to follow my path.
October 17 Loving and making relationships work are not the same thing.
Many people’s self-esteem is shaken if a promising relationship begins to deteriorate. This is true especially if that relationship was entered into with a heart full of love and “forever” expectations. When we find that somehow, some way it is not working, we simply can’t believe it. We always believed that if we loved enough, all other problems would solve themselves.
The truth is that loving and making a relationship work can easily be two different things. Successful relationships endure because of skills-not feelings. All the loving in the world does not necessarily translate into the ability to communicate, for example. To assume that these essential skills are present, when they are not, is to take a long walk on a short pier. Especially if our self-esteem rides on the back of that relationship.
The saving fact about skills, however, is that they can be learned. Lack of skill is no cause for loss of learning how to make a relationship work over the long haul. No doubt when we are more reliable, honest, and realistic, our relationships will have a better chance of survival.
Making relationships work takes more than love.
October 18 A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world: Everyone you meet is your mirror.
It’s easy to get lost in a forest of labels as it is in a forest of trees. Adult Children, co-dependents, recovering addicts by the hundreds of thousands seem to be moving in the same direction-but they’re all marching under different banners! Figuring it all out can be very confusing. Do the differences really matter that much?
It’s good to remember that all people who are striving to improve their lives are on fundamentally the same journey. By any name, the core effort of all these groups is the same: to embrace life from a positive self-definition. Because we view the world much as we view ourselves, the common task of all self-help groups is to help us grow out of the negative self-definitions that create negative results in our lives.
Those who have learned to define themselves as losers will lose. Those who define themselves as unlovable will not allow themselves to be loved. People who see themselves as victims will be at high risk for the abandonment they most fear. The goal of all groups is to support positive redefinition. No matter what our starting point, we are all on the same path. Growth is not a dozen journeys-it is one journey with a dozen names.
Labels point out differences that fellowship doesn’t notice.
October 19 Agreement is made more precious by disagreement.
In our longing for harmonious relationships, we can sometimes get very stubborn, very insistent, very hard-headed about how much agreement is possible-or even desirable-between two people. Somehow it becomes our very mission to inform, persuade, and convince the other that our way of thinking is better than theirs.
But real agreement can’t be forced anymore than love can. People have a right to their own opinions. They aren’t “wrong” if they disagree with our political or religious beliefs, our tastes in humor or leisure time activities. Different is just different. When we try to convert people against their will, the best we can hope for is sort of an arm-twisted conformity. They may go along with us on the outside, just to stop the argument, but true conversion is an inside job.
As we grow in self-esteem, we’ll have less need to impose our own views on other people. As we become more aware of and comfortable with the incredible diversity in ourselves, we’ll find it easier to allow diversity in others. Perhaps we’ll even come to appreciate and enjoy our areas of disagreement as the spice of life that they are.
Perfect agreement with others is an unrealistic goal.
October 20 When I finally realized there was no such thing as enough money, sex, or things to make me happy, I was finally on my way.
Low self-esteem often reveals itself as a hollowness in the pit of the stomach and an emptiness in the heart. That hole hurts. Many have attempted to fill that void with “goodies” that don’t do anything but make a bad situation worse.
George certainly was one of those. He had all the usual qualifications for low self-esteem-a long training session as a youth that taught him he had no rights and that he would never amount to anything. He heard the message loud and clear. He was totally unworthy of love. So he set out in a frantic search for something-anything-to heal the hurt within. His method was a nonstop scramble for more money, more sex, and more toys. He got plenty of everything he was after. Yet he found that none of them helped. When he finally discovered that the “Give Me More” trail always deadends, he began looking somewhere else. Eventually his journey took him into his own heart, where he found what he had been looking for.
Today, George has a different view. His face glows when he says, “I didn’t need to have more, I needed to be more. Now I have value and worth because of who I am. My happiness doesn’t depend on any outside condition or acquisition.” Nearly bursting with pride, he says, “I am me, I am okay, and that’s enough.”
Today I recognize my greediness as spiritual hunger.
October 21 There is always an enormous temptation in life to diddle around making itsy bitsy friends and meals and journeys for itsy bitsy years on end.
Habits of extreme caution can lead us to have small lives. If we only have trivial, lightweight interests, after all, we don’t risk much disappointment. Especially if we pursue those interests with a trivial, featherweight of passion. Risk little, lose little; that’s the way our thinking goes.
But passion is what makes life worth living. Passion is the big base drum that sets the beat and anchors the parade of life. Without good, sweaty, wholehearted involvement, our lives lack rhythm and bounce. It’s hard even to stay interested in, let alone feel good about, a life that is lived in mincing little half-steps.
To be fully alive, we must find an interest that we truly care about. Maybe it’s a hobby like bird watching or a cause like clean air. The only thing that matters is that we stop hedging our bets and go all out. The more excited and involved we get, the less itsy-bitsy will be our sense of self.
The measure of my passions is the measure of my life.
October 22 It is an easy thing for one whose foot is on the outside of calamity to give advice and to rebuke the sufferer.
“I’d never put up with that!” we say to ourselves as we hear a friend’s story of domestic violence. “I’d leave immediately! I’d hit him right back! I’d rat poison the dirty rat!” When neither the pain nor the decision is ours, we know exactly what should be done-and when and how as well. But that kind of righteous carrying on only doubles the hurt of our hurting friend. She’s already taking on more fault than she deserves. The last thing she needs is to hear us say how much better we would do in her shoes. Our self-esteem is not raised by lowering hers.
Better by far that we shut up and listen. Just allowing her to tell her own story at her own pace will give her some relief. No raised eyebrows, no dropped jaws; belief and acceptance are what we want to communicate. Then, when the story is told, we can offer whatever facts we have about protection under the law, crisis hot lines, and the availability of shelters.
Battered women have the right to make their own decisions-even wrong ones. Our sympathy doesn’t entitle us to step in and call the shots. Her sixed bag of fear, helplessness, and denial may still prevent her from accepting our advice. The most helpful thing we can do is to offer continuing availability and support. Accepting our own limitations is necessary to our own self-esteem.
Even in a good cause, I am wiser to be patient rather than pushy.
October 23 The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.
More than a few of us base our self-esteem on being tough! We pride ourselves on our strength and judge ourselves by an incredible standard of self-sufficiency. Never will we let anyone know that we’re in need. Just as likely, we’ll never admit it to ourselves, either.
Yet self-esteem, as true humility, is not the denial of truth but the admission of reality. To be a whining crybaby is one thing. But to acknowledge our own pain, need, or hurt is quite another. “I must never show weakness” is a mandate that leads to disaster. It betrays an immature attitude that must be outgrown if our self-esteem is to grow.
Denial of pain only drives the pain deeper, Commonly, repressed emotional hurt reveals itself in headaches, backaches, and stomach disorders. Perhaps the toughest people are those who have the courage to reach out for help when they need it-before their bodies cry out against the emotional turmoil that we were too “tough” to deal with.
Weakness parading under a banner of strength can cost me my health.
October 24 A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
We have often heard that no one can make us miserable without our permission. A corollary of that idea is also true: No one or nothing can make us comfortable without our own approval.
Suppose every one of our wishes and dreams came true. Suddenly we have everything we always thought it would take to make us happy. Would that do it? Would our itch finally be scratched? Perhaps not. The fact is that it is something within, not treasures from without, that grants or withholds satisfaction. In other words, we usually need to “grow into” serenity.
If the lottery winner hasn’t grown enough to handle new wealth, that prize may turn out to be a curse. If a golden opportunity arrives before we are prepared for it, it’s just another reason to get down on ourselves. And our dreams of love and romance can easily be short-term if we don’t have the personal stability to hold up our end of a relationship. Readiness can’t be faked or wished into being. More inner growth may be necessary before we’re capable of receiving what we most want.
Working my daily program prepares me for whatever comes.
October 25 What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
Some people defend themselves, and thus their self-esteem, by wearing an armored suit of cynicism. The worst thing they can imagine is being “taken” in any way. The shame and humiliation of being set up and then let down would be nothing short of unbearable. So every morning they strap on their armor plates and go clunking through another day, stifling, sweating, but puncture-proof, by golly! Nobody’s ever going to get the better of them.
But the armor wearers aren’t going to get the best of themselves, either. Too much is locked inside-good, human stuff like hope and tenderness and sincerity. It isn’t possible to be so distrustful and defensive about other people without looking at ourselves in the same dim light. It isn’t healthy to think of ourselves as so vulnerable that we couldn’t survive even a pinprick of disappointment or deceit.
We can’t use pessimism and suspicion to protect ourselves without becoming mummified. We can’t learn to believe in ourselves and also have a sneering disbelief in the motives and integrity of every person we meet. And we certainly can’t ever dance under all that armor. No. Until we rid ourselves of cynicism, the only step we know goes clunk, clunk, clunk.
As I gain confidence, my defensiveness fades.
October 26 The first duty of love is to listen.
Dan and his daughter Sissy had been clashing for years. He found her unconventional lifestyle just as outrageous and unacceptable as she found his righteous criticism. Round after round of angry insults, like buckshot, had riddled the self-esteem of both father and daughter.
Then they went in to counseling. In the presence of a third person, each of them had a chance to talk without interruption. In that safe environment, swords were sheathed, shields were lowered, wounds were allowed to get some healing air. Amazingly, they began to see each other without shouting or accusing. By listening, each began to see, if not agree with, the other’s point of view.
Dan had sincerely believed that Sissy’s manner and dress were simply defiance of his authority. He learned that her style had nothing to do with him. It was merely her way to fit in, to be part of the group. Sissy learned that Dan didn’t really want his own way so much as he wanted her safety from harm. He saw her far-out clothing and haircut as abnormal and dangerous. Slowly, as each came to understand the other a little better, they came to accept each other as human beings with different opinions, rather than as enemies locked in fatal combat. By listening and learning, they were able to call off the war and both be winners.
Understanding is a healing balm.
October 27 This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves.
To protect our own integrity and peace of mind, we may have to redefine the word love. Sometimes no is the kindest word we can say to a family member or close friend who’s in serious trouble with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or any other ravaging obsessions. Their suffering pushes all our “rescue” buttons. What we feel like doing is straightening out their messes and protecting them from further harm. If we could, we would banish all their miseries with the touch of a magic wand! But we can’t often the only thing we can do to help our self-destructive loved ones is to stop helping completely. As hard as it is, as unnatural as it feels, we may have to make some or all of the following declarations of love is we want to shorten our loved one’s path to the recovery turnoff.
- I love you, so I won’t buy your groceries or pay your rent.
- I love you, so I won’t loan you money or the use of my credit.
- I love you, so I won’t call in sick for you at work.
- I love you, so I won’t cover your bounced check.
- I love you, so I won’t let you move in with me.
- I love you, so I won’t listen to your excuses or accept your lies.
- I love you, so I won’t make your bail.
Whoever said that love was easy?
October 28 Most ignorance is vincible ignorance. We don’t know because we don’t want to know.
Some very smart people choose to “dumb out” when they can’t bear to face what’s going on. They simply refuse to read the writing on the wall. Then, when absolutely predictable consequences erupt, they cry out, “I had no idea! Someone should have told me! How could I have known?” Their self-esteem is undercut because they wouldn’t look at the writing on the wall.
Of course, there are plenty of ways they could have known. Early warning signs are hard to miss unless we want to miss them. Marriages don’t crumble in an instant. Our children don’t develop full-fledged drug problems in a single night out. There were signs and symptoms all along.
Some situations genuinely take us by surprise. They couldn’t have been anticipated or avoided. But other situations might have been nipped in the bud; they became disasters because we weren’t willing to open our eyes and see the truth that was staring us in the face all along. We didn’t know because it seemed to us that knowing would be too hard. But at least when we know, we can do something about it.
Deliberate ignorance is a cowardly way of avoiding responsibility.
October 29 We do not know one millionth of one percent about anything. Thomas Alva Edison
Like anything else we think we know, self-concept is a product of information. Because self-esteem is built on self-concept, it’s important to check out our data from time to time. How much of the information we’ve acquired about ourselves is misinformation? How much of it is opinion rather than fact? How much is outdated?
Many of the key “acts” we use to define ourselves come to us from others, of course. It is their reactions, impressions, and judgments that at least initially dispose us to believe certain “truths” about who we are and how we are. Who were our most important sources of information when we were children? Who are they now? As we look back, can we say that those early information givers were reliable and accurate? How about the sources who give us input today?
On a daily basis, self-esteem is either supported or weakened by our processing of outside information. That’s why we need to be very selective about our sources and even then to be very careful about accepting counterfeit “facts” for the real thing. As self-confidence grows, so does our ability to reject flawed information before we take it in.
Much of what I “know” about myself might be fallacy rather than fact.
October 30 When I’m not thanked at all, I’m thanked enough, I’ve done my duty, and I’ve done no more.
Allen had just spent all evening sharing years of hard-won wisdom with a man who had asked for his help. Allen suggested a plan of action and then promised that he would help the new man every step of the way, if that was the man’s wish. He gave the man his phone number and encouraged him to call at any time.
The next day Allen’s teenage daughter congratulated him on his generosity. “I know you wanted to watch the play-offs on TV last night,” she said, “but you spent all that time with somebody you don’t even know! “What a good deed, Dad!” Surprised, Allen responded, “Oh, that wasn’t generosity. I was paying back my debt to the universe for all the help others have given me.”
Allen is right. As far as he has yet to go on his own path, he only got this far because he had help. Unlike some, he has not forgotten all the hands that reached out to him, patting, prodding, lifting him up. He knows it’s his turn. In Allen’s economy, fair is no less and no more than fair. Integrity demands that debts must be paid.
No one goes alone. Either I take others with me or I don’t go myself.
October 31 Getting people to like you is only the other side of liking them.
Oh, to be popular! Although we don’t usually talk about it beyond our teenage years, there’s not a one of us who doesn’t want to be sought out, liked, and admired. In no small way, our perceived popularity makes or breaks us. That’s how crucial the love and acceptance of others is to our self-esteem. It’s the wind beneath our wings.
Authors have made fortunes by telling us how to achieve popularity. But it doesn’t cost a fortune to take a look at the evidence all around us. Courteous people, especially when they’re courteous to those they don’t need, earn respect and friendship wherever they go. Good listeners are always thought to be wise as well as likable. People who remember our names and ask about our families are welcomed warmly. And we have a special place in our hearts for people who have lent us a hand before we had to ask.
Making friends is not a technique; it’s the natural activity of being a friend. If you want to be liked, first like other people. Wisdom doesn’t get any simpler than that.
Prescription for popularity: Like other people and let them know it.
