CODEPENDENCY
October 1 Be Who You Are In recovery, we are learning a new behavior. It is called Be Who You Are.
For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?
Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?
There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing and living with
ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves----regardless of the reaction of others.
Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.
We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.
Today, I will own my power to be myself.
October 2 Coping With Families There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.
There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.
The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and
obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.
Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.
It is okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It is okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It is okay to call time-out and it is okay to go back as a different person.
God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand that there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love,
whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forget self-care and health for the good of the system. \\
October 3 Getting Through the Discomfort Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It is there and more is on the way. -----Beyond Codependency
Our goal in recovery is to make ourselves feel comfortable, peaceful, content, and happy. We want to be at peace with ourselves and our environment. Sometimes to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.
I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. I'm talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal.
When we have surgery, the pain hurts the most, the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We're removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed.
Sometimes the process hurts.
We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release.
Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side. Help me, God, be open to feeling whatever I need to feel to be healed and healthy. While I am doing this, I will trust I am cared for and protected by God.
October 4 Faith and Money Sometimes, there is not enough money to make ends meet, much less afford any luxuries. People may tell us to do a budget, and we chuckle. The expenses we need to pay for survival surpass the income. We look at the situation, shake our heads, and say, "No way." Many of us have had to live through these situations. This is not the time to panic; this is not the time to despair.
Panic and desperation will lead to bad judgment and desperate moves. This is the time to substitute faith for fear. This is the time to trust God to meet our needs.
Take life one day and one need at a time. Use your survival skills positively. Know your possibilities are not limited by the past or by your present circumstance.
Examine any blocks that might be stopping the flow of money in your life. Do your have an attitude, an issue, a lesson that might be yours to change or learn?
Maybe the lesson is a simple one of faith. In Biblical times, Jesus walked on the water. His followers could, too, but the moment they let fear take over, they sank.
During financial hard times, we can learn to "walk on water" with money issues. If we make out a budget, and there is not enough money to survive and pay legitimate expenses, do your best, then let go. Trust God to supply your needs. If an emergency arises, and there is no cash to meet the need, look beyond your wallet. Trust God to supply your needs.
Do your part. Strive for an attitude of financial responsibility in thought and action. Ask God for His leading. Then let go of your fear and your need to control.
God, bring any blocks and barriers within me concerning money to the surface. Help me take care of myself financially. If money is tight, I will dispel fear and learn to "walk on water" concerning financial issues. I will not use this attitude to justify irresponsibility. I will do my part, including letting go of fear and trusting you to do the rest.
October 5 Knowledge Learn to let yourself be guided into truth. We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We do not have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We do not have to force insight or awareness before it is time.
Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it----until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.
The most growth producing concept we can develop for ourselves and others is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves when needed. But we still give ourselves and others the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.
When we are ready, when the time is right, and when God wills---we will know what we need to know.
Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time.
October 6 Taking Care of Ourselves
It is healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That is different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self-defeating and, certainly
relationship-defeating behavior---a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized—because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need, will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on what we feel, want, and need, because when we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will value my rights and responsibilities and place value on myself.
October 7 Letting Go of Naiveté We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We do not have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate. Not all requests require a yes!
Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. God may be trying to teach us something specific.
When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set and for now the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge.
That is okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we do not want and what we will not tolerate.
We can thank them for what we have learned.
How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we do not, we are in trouble.
There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.
Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forgo my naïve assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.
October 8 Learning To Wait I've started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard your worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall......-The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey
The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.
We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we can do in the
future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.
We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out----in us and in someone else.
We do not have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting---then we go about living it.
Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want---especially the desires of our heart--if we can learn to wait.
Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will ask God for the ability to learn to wait.
October 9 Self-Disclosure Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.
Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.
We do not want others to see who we really are.
We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.
Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.
Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.
Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help us, the other person, or the relationship. Withholding is a behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.
That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.
To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others---their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship---is the key.
Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.
Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable----even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. God, help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.
October 10 Payoffs from Destructive Relationships Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress. The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role. Maybe the relationship feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person. Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.
"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."
Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.
We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.
Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.
October 11 Recovery How easy it is to blame our problems on others. "Look at what he is doing."..........Look how long I have waited.......Why doesn't she call?........If only he would change then I'd be happy......"
Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people's hand. We call this codependency.
The solution to our pain and frustration, however, is to acknowledge our own feelings. We feel the anger, the grief, then we let go of the feelings and find peace—within ourselves. We know our happiness is not controlled by another person, even though we may have convinced ourselves it is. We call this acceptance.
Then we decide that although we would like our situation to be different, maybe our life is happening this way for a reason. Maybe there is a higher purpose and plan in play, one that is better than we could have orchestrated. We call this faith.
Then we decide what we need to do, what is within our power to do to take care of ourselves. That is called recovery.
It is easy to point our finger at another, but it is more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.
Today, I will live with my pain and frustration by dealing with my own feelings.
October 12 Being Gentle With Ourselves During Times of Grief The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to "cocoon for transformation" in Pat Carne's words, while going through grief.
We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.
Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.
It is okay to be gentle with ourselves when we are going through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have
to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect. We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.
It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us. Before long, we will take wings and fly.
October 13 Substance Over Form I'm learning that for a variety of reasons, I have spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my makeup applied perfectly, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right man. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I'm finally getting to the truth. It is substance that counts. ---------Anonymous
There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.
Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we did not know how to focus on substance.
Form is the outline; substance is what fills it in. We fill in the outline of ourselves by being authentic; we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.
Now, in recovery, we are learning how to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.
Today, I will focus on substance in my life. I will fill in the lines of myself with a real person---me. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real working of my life, instead of the trappings.
October 14 Controlling Versus Trust There was a time in my life when I felt so afraid of and overwhelmed by the very act of living that I actually wanted to make out a schedule for each day of my life for the next five years. I wanted to include all the chores I had to do, when I would do them, even when I would schedule relaxation. I wanted to get some order into what felt overwhelming. I wanted to feel like I was in control.
Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.
We may not trust ourselves or God.
We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting---God and ourselves. We call this process recovery.
We can trust that when things don't work out the way we want, God has something better planned.
We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.
We can trust God to give us all the direction we need. We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.
We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today's supplies today, and tomorrow's supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light. Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.
The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time. Trust, my friend, in today.
Today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow.
October 15 Letting Go of Chaos No good work comes from unrest. Unrest, fear, anger, or sadness may motivate us. These feelings are sometimes intended to compel action. But our best work emerges after these feelings have been replaced by peace.
We will not accomplish our task any sooner, or any better, by performing it out of a sense of urgency, fear, anger, or sadness.
Let go of unrest. Let peace fill the void. We do not have to forfeit peace to do the work we are called upon to do today. We will be given all the power we need to do what we are meant to do, when it is time.
Let peace come first. Then proceed. The task will get done, naturally and on time.
Today, I will get peaceful first, and let my work and life emerge from that base.
October 16 Being Honest With Ourselves Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we need to maintain. The quality of that relationship will determine the quality of our other relationships
When we tell ourselves how we feel, and accept our feelings, we can tell others.
When we can accept what we want and need, we will be ready to have our wants and needs met.
When we can accept what we think and believe, and accept what is important to us, we can relay this to others.
When we learn to take ourselves seriously, others will too.
When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be ready to laugh with others.
When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be worthy and ready to trust.
When we learn to be grateful for whom we are, we will be able to thank God for creating us.
When we have accepted our wants and needs, we will be ready to give and receive love.
When we've learned to stand on our own two feet, we are ready to stand next to someone.
Today, I will focus on having a good relationship with myself.
October 17 Feelings and Surrender Surrendering is a highly personal and spiritual experience.
Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience.
Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings---anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief. As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.
Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender.
We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how God moves us forward.
Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.
I will be open to the process of surrender in my life. I will allow myself all the awkward and potent emotions that must be released.
October 18 Throwing Out the Rule Book Many of us feel like we need a rule book, a microscope, and a warranty to get through life. We feel uncertain, frightened. We want the security of knowing what is going to happen, and how we shall act.
We do not trust ourselves or life.
We do not trust God.
We want to be in control.
I've made terrible mistakes with my choices, mistakes that nearly destroyed me. Life has really shocked me. How can I trust myself? How can I trust life, and my instincts, after where I've been?" asked one woman.
It is understandable that we fear being crushed again, considering the way many of us were when we bottomed out on our codependency. We do not have to be fearful. We can trust our self, our path, and our instincts.
Yes, we want to avoid making the same mistakes again. We are not the same people we were yesterday or last year. We have learned, grown, changed. We did what we needed to do then. If we made a mistake, we cannot let that stop us from living and fully experiencing today.
We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences----even our mistakes----to get where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, God, and this new way of life? Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?
We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now. We do not need a rule book, a microscope, a warranty. All we really need is a mirror. We can look into the mirror and say, "I trust you. No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think."
Today, I will stop clinging to the painful issues of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now.
October 19 Our Good Points What is a codependent? The answer is easy. They are some of the most loving, caring people I know.
We do not have to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what is wrong is a sore issue in our codependency.
Honestly, fearlessly, ask: "What is right with me? What are my good points?"
"Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?" We may have neglected to live ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.
"Is there something I do particularly well? Do I have a strong faith? Am I good at being there for others? Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader? Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor? Do I brighten people up? Am I good at comforting others? Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely anything at all? Do I see the best in people?"
These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that is okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we are learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.
Today, I will focus on what is right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I have extended to the world.
October 20 Detaching With Love Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we are all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.
When do we detach? When we are hooked into a reaction of fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play—an attempt to control or force others to do something they do not want to do. When the way we are reacting is not helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
Often, it is time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible thing to do.
The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling do not help. The next step is getting peaceful---getting centered and restoring our balance.
Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Pray. Breathe deeply.
Find God's peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.
October 21 Financial Responsibility "When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess stone cold sober, and I really had a mess," said one woman. I was not able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make amends. I had past due bills from years before. I needed to try to stay current with my new bills. I had a lot more money before I sobered up. But in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up. I restored my credit. I had a checking account. I had a little money in the bank.
"Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency---the hard way. I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had made with my financial affairs. My husband and I opened a checking account together, and he over drafted checks until I lost the right to have a checking account. I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he drove that into the ground.
"We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat---and we borrowed a lot from my parents," she said. "By the time I began my recovery from codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess. I was furious, but it did not matter who did what. I had some serious financial matters to face if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.
"Slowly---very slowly----I began to work out of my mess. It seemed impossible! I didn't even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and hopeless. But I did. And each day I did the best I could to be responsible for myself.
"One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially from my husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced. The other decision I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my life.
"It was difficult. We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to produce income had dramatically decreased. I was grieving; my self-esteem was at an all-time low; my energy was low. I did not know how I would ever untangle this nightmare. But it did happen. Slowly, gradually, with God's help, manageability crept in and replaced chaos.
"I began by not spending more than I earned. I paid back some creditors, a little at a time. I let go of what I couldn't do, and focused on what I could."
"Now, eight years have passed. I am debt free, which I never imagined possible. I am living comfortably, with money in the bank. My credit has been restored, again. And I intend to keep it that way.
"I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for love or for alcoholism."
One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. It may get worse before it gets better---because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it. But once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we are on our way.
God, help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved tomorrow, even if I cannot see the solution. If I have allowed the problems of others to hurt me financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries
around money & what I am willing to lose. Help me understand that I do not have to allow anyone else's financial irresponsibility, addiction, disease, or problem to hurt me financially. Help me go on with my life in spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.
October 22 Holding Your Own Trust yourself. Trust what you know.
Sometimes, it is hard to stand in our own truth and trust what we know, especially when others would try to convince us otherwise.
In these cases, others may be dealing with issues of guilt and shame. They may have their own agenda. They may be immersed in denial. They would like us to believe that we do not know what we know; they would like us not to trust ourselves; they would prefer to engage us in their nonsense.
We do not have to forfeit our truth or our power to others. That is codependency.
Believing lies is dangerous. When we stop trusting our truth, when we repress our instincts, when we tell ourselves there must be something wrong with us for feeling what we feel or believing what we believe, we deal a deadly blow to our self and our health.
When we discount that important part of ourselves that knows what is the truth, we cut ourselves off from our center. We feel crazy. We get into shame, fear, and confusion. We cannot get our bearings when we allow someone to pull the rug from under us.
This does not mean that we are never wrong. But we are not always wrong.
Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course.
Ask to be show the truth, clearly---not by the person trying to manipulate or convince you, but by God.
Today, I will trust God. I will not allow myself to be swayed by bullying, manipulating, games, dishonesty, or people with peculiar agendas.
October 23 Morning Cues There is an important message for us first thing every day.
Often, once we get started with the day, we may not listen as closely to ourselves and life as we do in those still moments when we first awaken.
An ideal time to listen to ourselves is when we are laying quietly, our defenses are down, and we are open and most vulnerable.
What is the first feeling that floods through us, the feeling that perhaps we are trying to avoid during the business of the day? Are we angry, frustrated, hurt, or confused? That is what we need to focus on and work through. That is the issue we need to address.
When you awaken, what is the first idea or thought that enters your mind? Do you need to finish a timely project? Are you in need of a fun day? A restful day?
Do you feel sick and need to nurture yourself? Are you in a negative frame of mind? Do you have an issue to resolve with someone?
Do you need to tell someone something? Is something bothering you? Is something particularly good?
Does an idea occur to you, something you could get or do that would feel good?
When you awaken, what is the first issue that presents itself? You do not have to be fearful. You do not have to rush. You can lay still and listen and then accept the message.
We can define some of our recovery goals for the day by listening to the morning message.
God, help me let go of my need to be in resistance to the flow of life. Help me learn to go with the flow and accept the help and support that You have to offer me.
October 24 Opening Ourselves to Love Open ourselves to the love that is available to us. We do not have to limit our sources of love. God has an unlimited supply of what we need, including love. When we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it. It may come from the most surprising places, including from within ourselves.
We will be open to and aware of the love that is and has been there for us all along. We will feel and appreciate the love from friends. We will notice and enjoy the love that comes to us from family. We will be ready to receive love in our special love relationship too. We do not have to accept love form unsafe people--people who will exploit us or with whom we don't want to have relationships.
But there is plenty of good love available---love that heals our heart, meets our needs, and makes our spirit sing.
We have denied ourselves too long. We have been martyrs too long. We have given up so much and allowed ourselves to receive too little. We have paid our dues. It is time to continue the chain of giving and receiving by allowing ourselves to receive.
Today, I will open myself to the love that is coming to me from God. I will accept it and enjoy it when it comes.
October 25 .........in thy book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -------Psalm 139:16 Each of our days was planned, Divinely ordered, before we were born. God knew and planned exactly what was to transpire.
Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us.
Today, we are right where we need to be. Our present circumstances are exactly as they need to be--for now.
Today, I will let go of my guilt and fear about my past and present circumstances. I will trust that where I have been and where I am now are right for me.
October 26 I know better than to not trust God. But sometimes, I forget that. When we are in the midst of life, it is easy to forget that God has a plan. Sometimes, all we can see is today. If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a T.V. program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of the work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life---especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelted by events that make us feel, think, and question, we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us---even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong. Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. God is not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking.
October 27 Step Eleven Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. -----Step Eleven of Al-Anon
"........praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out" means that we ask on a daily basis to be shown the plan for that day. We also ask God for the strength we need to carry that through. We will get a yes to both requests.
We do not ask other people to show their will for us. We ask God. Then we trust that we'll be empowered to carry God's will through.
God will not ask us to do anything that He would not equip us to do. He never asks us to do anything we cannot do. If we are to do it, we will be empowered. That's the easy part of this program. We never have to do more than we can, or anything we can't. If we want to worry and fuss we can, but we do not need to. That is our choice.
I have learned, through difficult and good times, that this step will carry me through. When I don't know what to do next, God does. Working this step, one day at a time, will take us to places we could never have traveled on our own.
Simple acts, done daily in accordance to God's will for us, leads to a life that counts.
Today, I will focus on asking God to show me what He wants me to do. I will ask God for the power to do that; then I will go ahead and get the job done. God, help me let go of my fears about living life one day at a time. Help me trust that when life is lived simply and in trust, a beautiful mosaic called "my life" will be woven. I am being led, guided, and cared for by God.
October 28 Meditation and Prayer The Eleventh Step asks us to meditate on God's Word to enrich our time spent with God.
Meditation is different that obsessing or worrying. Obsession and worrying are fear based. Meditation means opening our mind and heart to God.
In the busyness of our day and life, it may seem like a waste of time to slow down, to stop what we are doing, and take this kind of break. It is no more a waste of time than stopping to put gas in our car when the tank is almost empty. It is necessary, it is beneficial, and it saves time. In fact, meditation can create more time and energy than the moments we take to do it.
Meditation and prayer are powerful recovery behaviors that work. We need to be patient. It is not reasonable to expect immediate answers, insight, or inspiration.
But solutions are coming. They are already on the way. If we have done our part----meditation and prayer----we should let it go.
Whether we pray and meditate first thing in the morning, during a coffee break, or in the evening is our choice.
We will find ourselves increasingly aware of God's will for us.
Today, I will take a moment for meditation and prayer. I will decide when and how long to do it. I am a child and creation of God and God takes pleasure in listening to me. God, help me let go of my fears about whether or not you hear and care.
Help me know that you are there and I can talk to you at any hour.
October 29 Acceptance A magical potion is available to us today. That potion is called acceptance. We are asked to accept many things----ourselves as we are; our feelings, needs, desires, choices, and current status of being.Other people---as they are. The status of our relationships with them.
Problems. Blessings. Financial status. Where we live. Our work, our tasks, our level of performance at these tasks.
Resistance will not move us forward, nor will it eliminate the undesirable. But even our resistance may need to be accepted. Even resistance yields to and is changed by acceptance.
Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible. It is not forever; it is for the present moment.
Acceptance is the magic that makes our present circumstances good. It brings peace and contentment and opens the door to growth, change, and moving forward. It shines the light of positive energy on all that we have and are. Within the framework of acceptance, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Acceptance empowers the positive and tells God we have surrendered. We have mastered today's lesson, and are ready to move on. Today, I will accept. I will relinquish my need to be in resistance to myself and my environment. I will surrender. I will culminate contentment and gratitude. I will move forward in joy by accepting where I am today.
October 30 Self-Value We have a real life of our own. Yes, we do. That empty feeling, that sense that everyone except us has a life---an important life, a valuable life, a better life---is a remnant from the past. It is also a self-defeating belief that is inaccurate. We are real. So is our life. Jump into it, and we will see. Today, I will live my life and treasure it as mine.
October 31 All Our Needs And my God shall supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory.......
This verse has helped me many times. It has helped me when I have wondered where my next friend, bit of wisdom, insight, or meal was coming from.
Everything I need today shall be supplied to me.
People, jobs, what we have at our immediate disposal, are not our source.
We thank God for these things. Everything we need shall be provided for us. Let thankfulness become a natural response to all situations, and all situations of need.
Reject fear. Reject short-supply and limited thinking notions. Be open to abundance.
Cherish need because it is part of our relationship to God. God has planned to meet our every need, and has created the need within us, so He can supply.
No need is too small or too great.
Our part is letting go, in faith.
Our part is healthy giving, not out of caretaking, guilt, obligation, and codependency, but out of a healthy relationship with ourselves.
Our part is simply to be who we are, and love being that.
October 1 Be Who You Are In recovery, we are learning a new behavior. It is called Be Who You Are.
For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?
Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?
There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing and living with
ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves----regardless of the reaction of others.
Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.
We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.
Today, I will own my power to be myself.
October 2 Coping With Families There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.
There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.
The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and
obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.
Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.
It is okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It is okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It is okay to call time-out and it is okay to go back as a different person.
God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand that there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love,
whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forget self-care and health for the good of the system. \\
October 3 Getting Through the Discomfort Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It is there and more is on the way. -----Beyond Codependency
Our goal in recovery is to make ourselves feel comfortable, peaceful, content, and happy. We want to be at peace with ourselves and our environment. Sometimes to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.
I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. I'm talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal.
When we have surgery, the pain hurts the most, the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We're removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed.
Sometimes the process hurts.
We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release.
Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side. Help me, God, be open to feeling whatever I need to feel to be healed and healthy. While I am doing this, I will trust I am cared for and protected by God.
October 4 Faith and Money Sometimes, there is not enough money to make ends meet, much less afford any luxuries. People may tell us to do a budget, and we chuckle. The expenses we need to pay for survival surpass the income. We look at the situation, shake our heads, and say, "No way." Many of us have had to live through these situations. This is not the time to panic; this is not the time to despair.
Panic and desperation will lead to bad judgment and desperate moves. This is the time to substitute faith for fear. This is the time to trust God to meet our needs.
Take life one day and one need at a time. Use your survival skills positively. Know your possibilities are not limited by the past or by your present circumstance.
Examine any blocks that might be stopping the flow of money in your life. Do your have an attitude, an issue, a lesson that might be yours to change or learn?
Maybe the lesson is a simple one of faith. In Biblical times, Jesus walked on the water. His followers could, too, but the moment they let fear take over, they sank.
During financial hard times, we can learn to "walk on water" with money issues. If we make out a budget, and there is not enough money to survive and pay legitimate expenses, do your best, then let go. Trust God to supply your needs. If an emergency arises, and there is no cash to meet the need, look beyond your wallet. Trust God to supply your needs.
Do your part. Strive for an attitude of financial responsibility in thought and action. Ask God for His leading. Then let go of your fear and your need to control.
God, bring any blocks and barriers within me concerning money to the surface. Help me take care of myself financially. If money is tight, I will dispel fear and learn to "walk on water" concerning financial issues. I will not use this attitude to justify irresponsibility. I will do my part, including letting go of fear and trusting you to do the rest.
October 5 Knowledge Learn to let yourself be guided into truth. We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We do not have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We do not have to force insight or awareness before it is time.
Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it----until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.
The most growth producing concept we can develop for ourselves and others is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves when needed. But we still give ourselves and others the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.
When we are ready, when the time is right, and when God wills---we will know what we need to know.
Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time.
October 6 Taking Care of Ourselves
It is healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That is different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self-defeating and, certainly
relationship-defeating behavior---a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized—because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need, will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on what we feel, want, and need, because when we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will value my rights and responsibilities and place value on myself.
October 7 Letting Go of Naiveté We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We do not have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate. Not all requests require a yes!
Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. God may be trying to teach us something specific.
When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set and for now the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge.
That is okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we do not want and what we will not tolerate.
We can thank them for what we have learned.
How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we do not, we are in trouble.
There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.
Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forgo my naïve assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.
October 8 Learning To Wait I've started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard your worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall......-The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey
The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.
We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we can do in the
future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.
We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out----in us and in someone else.
We do not have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting---then we go about living it.
Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want---especially the desires of our heart--if we can learn to wait.
Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will ask God for the ability to learn to wait.
October 9 Self-Disclosure Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.
Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.
We do not want others to see who we really are.
We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.
Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.
Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.
Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help us, the other person, or the relationship. Withholding is a behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.
That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.
To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others---their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship---is the key.
Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.
Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable----even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. God, help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.
October 10 Payoffs from Destructive Relationships Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress. The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role. Maybe the relationship feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person. Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.
"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."
Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.
We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.
Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.
October 11 Recovery How easy it is to blame our problems on others. "Look at what he is doing."..........Look how long I have waited.......Why doesn't she call?........If only he would change then I'd be happy......"
Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people's hand. We call this codependency.
The solution to our pain and frustration, however, is to acknowledge our own feelings. We feel the anger, the grief, then we let go of the feelings and find peace—within ourselves. We know our happiness is not controlled by another person, even though we may have convinced ourselves it is. We call this acceptance.
Then we decide that although we would like our situation to be different, maybe our life is happening this way for a reason. Maybe there is a higher purpose and plan in play, one that is better than we could have orchestrated. We call this faith.
Then we decide what we need to do, what is within our power to do to take care of ourselves. That is called recovery.
It is easy to point our finger at another, but it is more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.
Today, I will live with my pain and frustration by dealing with my own feelings.
October 12 Being Gentle With Ourselves During Times of Grief The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to "cocoon for transformation" in Pat Carne's words, while going through grief.
We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.
Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.
It is okay to be gentle with ourselves when we are going through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have
to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect. We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.
It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us. Before long, we will take wings and fly.
October 13 Substance Over Form I'm learning that for a variety of reasons, I have spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my makeup applied perfectly, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right man. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I'm finally getting to the truth. It is substance that counts. ---------Anonymous
There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.
Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we did not know how to focus on substance.
Form is the outline; substance is what fills it in. We fill in the outline of ourselves by being authentic; we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.
Now, in recovery, we are learning how to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.
Today, I will focus on substance in my life. I will fill in the lines of myself with a real person---me. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real working of my life, instead of the trappings.
October 14 Controlling Versus Trust There was a time in my life when I felt so afraid of and overwhelmed by the very act of living that I actually wanted to make out a schedule for each day of my life for the next five years. I wanted to include all the chores I had to do, when I would do them, even when I would schedule relaxation. I wanted to get some order into what felt overwhelming. I wanted to feel like I was in control.
Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.
We may not trust ourselves or God.
We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting---God and ourselves. We call this process recovery.
We can trust that when things don't work out the way we want, God has something better planned.
We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.
We can trust God to give us all the direction we need. We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.
We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today's supplies today, and tomorrow's supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light. Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.
The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time. Trust, my friend, in today.
Today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow.
October 15 Letting Go of Chaos No good work comes from unrest. Unrest, fear, anger, or sadness may motivate us. These feelings are sometimes intended to compel action. But our best work emerges after these feelings have been replaced by peace.
We will not accomplish our task any sooner, or any better, by performing it out of a sense of urgency, fear, anger, or sadness.
Let go of unrest. Let peace fill the void. We do not have to forfeit peace to do the work we are called upon to do today. We will be given all the power we need to do what we are meant to do, when it is time.
Let peace come first. Then proceed. The task will get done, naturally and on time.
Today, I will get peaceful first, and let my work and life emerge from that base.
October 16 Being Honest With Ourselves Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we need to maintain. The quality of that relationship will determine the quality of our other relationships
When we tell ourselves how we feel, and accept our feelings, we can tell others.
When we can accept what we want and need, we will be ready to have our wants and needs met.
When we can accept what we think and believe, and accept what is important to us, we can relay this to others.
When we learn to take ourselves seriously, others will too.
When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be ready to laugh with others.
When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be worthy and ready to trust.
When we learn to be grateful for whom we are, we will be able to thank God for creating us.
When we have accepted our wants and needs, we will be ready to give and receive love.
When we've learned to stand on our own two feet, we are ready to stand next to someone.
Today, I will focus on having a good relationship with myself.
October 17 Feelings and Surrender Surrendering is a highly personal and spiritual experience.
Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience.
Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings---anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief. As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.
Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender.
We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how God moves us forward.
Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.
I will be open to the process of surrender in my life. I will allow myself all the awkward and potent emotions that must be released.
October 18 Throwing Out the Rule Book Many of us feel like we need a rule book, a microscope, and a warranty to get through life. We feel uncertain, frightened. We want the security of knowing what is going to happen, and how we shall act.
We do not trust ourselves or life.
We do not trust God.
We want to be in control.
I've made terrible mistakes with my choices, mistakes that nearly destroyed me. Life has really shocked me. How can I trust myself? How can I trust life, and my instincts, after where I've been?" asked one woman.
It is understandable that we fear being crushed again, considering the way many of us were when we bottomed out on our codependency. We do not have to be fearful. We can trust our self, our path, and our instincts.
Yes, we want to avoid making the same mistakes again. We are not the same people we were yesterday or last year. We have learned, grown, changed. We did what we needed to do then. If we made a mistake, we cannot let that stop us from living and fully experiencing today.
We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences----even our mistakes----to get where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, God, and this new way of life? Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?
We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now. We do not need a rule book, a microscope, a warranty. All we really need is a mirror. We can look into the mirror and say, "I trust you. No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think."
Today, I will stop clinging to the painful issues of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now.
October 19 Our Good Points What is a codependent? The answer is easy. They are some of the most loving, caring people I know.
We do not have to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what is wrong is a sore issue in our codependency.
Honestly, fearlessly, ask: "What is right with me? What are my good points?"
"Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?" We may have neglected to live ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.
"Is there something I do particularly well? Do I have a strong faith? Am I good at being there for others? Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader? Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor? Do I brighten people up? Am I good at comforting others? Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely anything at all? Do I see the best in people?"
These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that is okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we are learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.
Today, I will focus on what is right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I have extended to the world.
October 20 Detaching With Love Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we are all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.
When do we detach? When we are hooked into a reaction of fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play—an attempt to control or force others to do something they do not want to do. When the way we are reacting is not helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
Often, it is time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible thing to do.
The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling do not help. The next step is getting peaceful---getting centered and restoring our balance.
Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Pray. Breathe deeply.
Find God's peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.
October 21 Financial Responsibility "When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess stone cold sober, and I really had a mess," said one woman. I was not able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make amends. I had past due bills from years before. I needed to try to stay current with my new bills. I had a lot more money before I sobered up. But in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up. I restored my credit. I had a checking account. I had a little money in the bank.
"Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency---the hard way. I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had made with my financial affairs. My husband and I opened a checking account together, and he over drafted checks until I lost the right to have a checking account. I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he drove that into the ground.
"We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat---and we borrowed a lot from my parents," she said. "By the time I began my recovery from codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess. I was furious, but it did not matter who did what. I had some serious financial matters to face if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.
"Slowly---very slowly----I began to work out of my mess. It seemed impossible! I didn't even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and hopeless. But I did. And each day I did the best I could to be responsible for myself.
"One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially from my husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced. The other decision I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my life.
"It was difficult. We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to produce income had dramatically decreased. I was grieving; my self-esteem was at an all-time low; my energy was low. I did not know how I would ever untangle this nightmare. But it did happen. Slowly, gradually, with God's help, manageability crept in and replaced chaos.
"I began by not spending more than I earned. I paid back some creditors, a little at a time. I let go of what I couldn't do, and focused on what I could."
"Now, eight years have passed. I am debt free, which I never imagined possible. I am living comfortably, with money in the bank. My credit has been restored, again. And I intend to keep it that way.
"I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for love or for alcoholism."
One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. It may get worse before it gets better---because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it. But once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we are on our way.
God, help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved tomorrow, even if I cannot see the solution. If I have allowed the problems of others to hurt me financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries
around money & what I am willing to lose. Help me understand that I do not have to allow anyone else's financial irresponsibility, addiction, disease, or problem to hurt me financially. Help me go on with my life in spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.
October 22 Holding Your Own Trust yourself. Trust what you know.
Sometimes, it is hard to stand in our own truth and trust what we know, especially when others would try to convince us otherwise.
In these cases, others may be dealing with issues of guilt and shame. They may have their own agenda. They may be immersed in denial. They would like us to believe that we do not know what we know; they would like us not to trust ourselves; they would prefer to engage us in their nonsense.
We do not have to forfeit our truth or our power to others. That is codependency.
Believing lies is dangerous. When we stop trusting our truth, when we repress our instincts, when we tell ourselves there must be something wrong with us for feeling what we feel or believing what we believe, we deal a deadly blow to our self and our health.
When we discount that important part of ourselves that knows what is the truth, we cut ourselves off from our center. We feel crazy. We get into shame, fear, and confusion. We cannot get our bearings when we allow someone to pull the rug from under us.
This does not mean that we are never wrong. But we are not always wrong.
Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course.
Ask to be show the truth, clearly---not by the person trying to manipulate or convince you, but by God.
Today, I will trust God. I will not allow myself to be swayed by bullying, manipulating, games, dishonesty, or people with peculiar agendas.
October 23 Morning Cues There is an important message for us first thing every day.
Often, once we get started with the day, we may not listen as closely to ourselves and life as we do in those still moments when we first awaken.
An ideal time to listen to ourselves is when we are laying quietly, our defenses are down, and we are open and most vulnerable.
What is the first feeling that floods through us, the feeling that perhaps we are trying to avoid during the business of the day? Are we angry, frustrated, hurt, or confused? That is what we need to focus on and work through. That is the issue we need to address.
When you awaken, what is the first idea or thought that enters your mind? Do you need to finish a timely project? Are you in need of a fun day? A restful day?
Do you feel sick and need to nurture yourself? Are you in a negative frame of mind? Do you have an issue to resolve with someone?
Do you need to tell someone something? Is something bothering you? Is something particularly good?
Does an idea occur to you, something you could get or do that would feel good?
When you awaken, what is the first issue that presents itself? You do not have to be fearful. You do not have to rush. You can lay still and listen and then accept the message.
We can define some of our recovery goals for the day by listening to the morning message.
God, help me let go of my need to be in resistance to the flow of life. Help me learn to go with the flow and accept the help and support that You have to offer me.
October 24 Opening Ourselves to Love Open ourselves to the love that is available to us. We do not have to limit our sources of love. God has an unlimited supply of what we need, including love. When we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it. It may come from the most surprising places, including from within ourselves.
We will be open to and aware of the love that is and has been there for us all along. We will feel and appreciate the love from friends. We will notice and enjoy the love that comes to us from family. We will be ready to receive love in our special love relationship too. We do not have to accept love form unsafe people--people who will exploit us or with whom we don't want to have relationships.
But there is plenty of good love available---love that heals our heart, meets our needs, and makes our spirit sing.
We have denied ourselves too long. We have been martyrs too long. We have given up so much and allowed ourselves to receive too little. We have paid our dues. It is time to continue the chain of giving and receiving by allowing ourselves to receive.
Today, I will open myself to the love that is coming to me from God. I will accept it and enjoy it when it comes.
October 25 .........in thy book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -------Psalm 139:16 Each of our days was planned, Divinely ordered, before we were born. God knew and planned exactly what was to transpire.
Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us.
Today, we are right where we need to be. Our present circumstances are exactly as they need to be--for now.
Today, I will let go of my guilt and fear about my past and present circumstances. I will trust that where I have been and where I am now are right for me.
October 26 I know better than to not trust God. But sometimes, I forget that. When we are in the midst of life, it is easy to forget that God has a plan. Sometimes, all we can see is today. If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a T.V. program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of the work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life---especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelted by events that make us feel, think, and question, we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us---even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong. Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. God is not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking.
October 27 Step Eleven Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. -----Step Eleven of Al-Anon
"........praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out" means that we ask on a daily basis to be shown the plan for that day. We also ask God for the strength we need to carry that through. We will get a yes to both requests.
We do not ask other people to show their will for us. We ask God. Then we trust that we'll be empowered to carry God's will through.
God will not ask us to do anything that He would not equip us to do. He never asks us to do anything we cannot do. If we are to do it, we will be empowered. That's the easy part of this program. We never have to do more than we can, or anything we can't. If we want to worry and fuss we can, but we do not need to. That is our choice.
I have learned, through difficult and good times, that this step will carry me through. When I don't know what to do next, God does. Working this step, one day at a time, will take us to places we could never have traveled on our own.
Simple acts, done daily in accordance to God's will for us, leads to a life that counts.
Today, I will focus on asking God to show me what He wants me to do. I will ask God for the power to do that; then I will go ahead and get the job done. God, help me let go of my fears about living life one day at a time. Help me trust that when life is lived simply and in trust, a beautiful mosaic called "my life" will be woven. I am being led, guided, and cared for by God.
October 28 Meditation and Prayer The Eleventh Step asks us to meditate on God's Word to enrich our time spent with God.
Meditation is different that obsessing or worrying. Obsession and worrying are fear based. Meditation means opening our mind and heart to God.
In the busyness of our day and life, it may seem like a waste of time to slow down, to stop what we are doing, and take this kind of break. It is no more a waste of time than stopping to put gas in our car when the tank is almost empty. It is necessary, it is beneficial, and it saves time. In fact, meditation can create more time and energy than the moments we take to do it.
Meditation and prayer are powerful recovery behaviors that work. We need to be patient. It is not reasonable to expect immediate answers, insight, or inspiration.
But solutions are coming. They are already on the way. If we have done our part----meditation and prayer----we should let it go.
Whether we pray and meditate first thing in the morning, during a coffee break, or in the evening is our choice.
We will find ourselves increasingly aware of God's will for us.
Today, I will take a moment for meditation and prayer. I will decide when and how long to do it. I am a child and creation of God and God takes pleasure in listening to me. God, help me let go of my fears about whether or not you hear and care.
Help me know that you are there and I can talk to you at any hour.
October 29 Acceptance A magical potion is available to us today. That potion is called acceptance. We are asked to accept many things----ourselves as we are; our feelings, needs, desires, choices, and current status of being.Other people---as they are. The status of our relationships with them.
Problems. Blessings. Financial status. Where we live. Our work, our tasks, our level of performance at these tasks.
Resistance will not move us forward, nor will it eliminate the undesirable. But even our resistance may need to be accepted. Even resistance yields to and is changed by acceptance.
Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible. It is not forever; it is for the present moment.
Acceptance is the magic that makes our present circumstances good. It brings peace and contentment and opens the door to growth, change, and moving forward. It shines the light of positive energy on all that we have and are. Within the framework of acceptance, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Acceptance empowers the positive and tells God we have surrendered. We have mastered today's lesson, and are ready to move on. Today, I will accept. I will relinquish my need to be in resistance to myself and my environment. I will surrender. I will culminate contentment and gratitude. I will move forward in joy by accepting where I am today.
October 30 Self-Value We have a real life of our own. Yes, we do. That empty feeling, that sense that everyone except us has a life---an important life, a valuable life, a better life---is a remnant from the past. It is also a self-defeating belief that is inaccurate. We are real. So is our life. Jump into it, and we will see. Today, I will live my life and treasure it as mine.
October 31 All Our Needs And my God shall supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory.......
This verse has helped me many times. It has helped me when I have wondered where my next friend, bit of wisdom, insight, or meal was coming from.
Everything I need today shall be supplied to me.
People, jobs, what we have at our immediate disposal, are not our source.
We thank God for these things. Everything we need shall be provided for us. Let thankfulness become a natural response to all situations, and all situations of need.
Reject fear. Reject short-supply and limited thinking notions. Be open to abundance.
Cherish need because it is part of our relationship to God. God has planned to meet our every need, and has created the need within us, so He can supply.
No need is too small or too great.
Our part is letting go, in faith.
Our part is healthy giving, not out of caretaking, guilt, obligation, and codependency, but out of a healthy relationship with ourselves.
Our part is simply to be who we are, and love being that.
