DETACHMENT
October 1 Detachment means freedom from obsession. I, for one, am all too familiar with how obsessing over the actions of others can cause my emotions to spin out of control. Left unchecked, I can find myself in a downward spiral that feels overwhelming and can lead to the awful feeling of hopelessness that used to be a constant companion. Obsession with others on our path can creep up on us when least expected. But I have come to understand, with the help of those wiser than myself on this journey, that when I am ot staying close enough to my Higher Power, I am very vulnerable to the old habit of watching others and letting how they behave determine how I feel.
I have been on this spiritual journey for many decades, actually for my whole life when I acknowledge that God was always present even when I was unable to acknowledge it. And yet, I can slip away from the very habits that keep me serene, sane, and living in the joy that is my birthright. I am quite certain the same is true for many of you. We can learn how to detach. We can think about God rather than about what someone else is doing or not doing. Moving our thought s from one to the other is the key to happiness. It’s guaranteed.
Being lovingly detached is the best way to honor one another’s journey. Everyone is here for a specific set of lessons. We must allow everyone to follow his or her own inner guidance to learn their lessons.
October 2 Detachment is knowing that what others do is not a reflection on you. When our companions act out or treat us poorly in public, when our friends or partners are rude or ill-behaved in any way, it’s easy to think that others are judging us along with our partner for whatever he or she has done, particularly if we have been guilty of this form of judgment ourselves. I don’t thing we instinctively know that another person’s behaviour reflects solely on them, never on us. If others do judge us for someone else’s behaviour, it’s generally because they are enmeshed in the actions of others themselves.
Having good boundaries with the people on our journey requires daily attention. Because we know others are sharing our journey for the lessons we are both here to learn. It’s easy to slip over the line that actually separates what any one of us individually needs to master. We aren’t separate from one another in the spiritual sense, but that’s another matter. Let’s not confuse the two. When we do, others’ actions and choices get in the way of our peace of mind. And neither of us can find the joy that has been promised us.
Defining our boundaries with others serves both of us. It assures us that we will never get entrapped in emotions that belong to someone else.
October 3 Detachment is not making a big deal of situations, even complicated ones.
When I was whining for the umpteenth time about a situation over which I had no control, a good friend said, “So what?” I was initially startled, miffed, and even slightly hurt, but soon realized that she had done me a great service. I was creating a drama over a very minor, though often repeated, situation. And the reality is, we don’t need to dramatize even major situations. When we allow God into the mix of the resolution, calm can prevail. As I have matured, calm has become far more attractive to me.
Knowing that “I can feel peace instead of this” has been a lifesaving mantra. The only problem is that I have to remember to use it. Periodically I slide into old behavior and let what’s happening around me influence how I am feeling. When my emotions get triggered by what I am seeing others do or hearing what others are saying, I have given up my own life for the moment. Their actions or words may not make me angry, but they can create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my own reality, and I’m far better for it.
Creating my own reality is an excellent undertaking every moment of the day. Unless I am in the flow of detaching from others, my reality will be clouded by their behavior.
October 4 Detachment empowers us. The gift of empowerment comes every time we let someone else decide his or her fate. Even the tiny decision someone might be struggling with doesn’t need our input unless asked for. This is not an easy realization to come to grips with. So much of our persona may well be tied to having our friends or family members mirror our choices. And yet, when we lay that expectation on them or simply hold that expectation quietly within, we will experience chaos. No one wants to be controlled. Even when we are subtle about it, it’s recognized and resisted.
You may be wondering what empowerment feels like if this is a new concept to you. It’s probably best understood in terms of synonyms. It’s freedom. It’s peace of mind. It’s not feeling absorbed by the antics of others. It’s clarity of thinking. It’s a feeling of lightness throughout the body. It’s having the time to be joyful and unencumbered. It’s having the sense that God is close. Detachment is truly a gift of great proportions. Nothing can be well attended to when our emotions are attached to the actions of others.
Today I will become willing to let God, not my companions, be the center of my life.
October 5 Detachment frees us from overreaction. Overreacting to the myriad situations in my life whether bona fide major ones or extremely minor incidents, was once standard practice. Maybe you can relate. It made little difference what my spouse or a friend or co-worker did; I was capable of taking their actions or words quite personally and then acting in ways that were seldom fitting for the situation. The idea of considering how I wanted to respond and then actually responding in a sane way had never occurred to me. For decades I had watched my family of origin react to whatever happened, and I was a great imitator.
Learning that there is another way to see, to interpret, to respond is like being given a second chance at life. We are on this path with others because of what we each have to learn. We are journeying together. Intentionally. We are not making the journey for each other or as each other. Doing for others what they need to do for themselves prevents the learning that needs to occur, both ours and theirs. Stepping aside and watching others handle that which is theirs to handle, and not letting what they do determine how we feel, is the “real stuff” of this journey. Discovering this makes every minute pretty exciting.
Making the decision to thoroughly enjoy this or any other day is pretty simple. It relies on our willingness to not let the actions of others take over our minds. We are in charge of what we think, what we way, what we do. Grabbing hold of his principle will change everything.
October 6 Detachment may mean doing nothing. Do nothing! What a concept! With what frequency does your mind savor the idea of doing nothing when a partner or friend pushes your buttons? Probably not very often, unless you have already acquired some understanding of the pitfalls of being too attached to the whims, the behavior, or the attitudes and opinions of others. Simply walking away when our ego really wants to scream in retaliation is not easy. In fact, it may feel nearly impossible. But it can be done. I know; I have learned to do it.
Not responding………in other words, detaching…………doesn’t mean we don’t care what the other person is doing or saying ‘to’ or ‘about’ us. We may care a great deal. But we have to ask ourselves, Will it help this situation for me to say something? If it honestly will, try to speak lovingly; but in most instances, letting the moment pass will be more fruitful. Adding fuel to the embers of an incident will cause it to erupt into flames that can easily get out of control. We have all been there. We don’t ever have to go there again.
Making the choice to do nothing when we feel like someone is trying to egg us on is a hugely important decision. The empowerment we will feel is so worth the effort it takes to simply let the moment pass.
October 7 Detachment may be remaining quiet. The urge to respond verbally, and generally not too kindly, to a perceived attack, an imagined affront, or an unmistakable put-down is overwhelming sometimes. Although giving in to the urge is not the end of the world, it will not help the situation. In most instances, the solution to a situation that borders on ugly is to bless it and let it go. Those who attack us in any form are full of fear. It may be fear of lack of control, fear of not getting what they deserve, fear of rejection, or fear of looking insignificant that makes them do and say what injures others. But certainly fear is at the root.
Saying to ourselves in those situations that no harm is meant will defuse the emotions that might be running through our mind at that time. Responding from an angry place, whether seemingly justified or not, will not make for a productive resolution. The only sensible response to a fearful outburst from someone else is an expression of love, either verbally spoken or quietly embraced in the mind. Countering fear with a fearful expression, which is what all anger engenders, will not result in a peaceful moment in the life of anyone. Giving peace a chance by remaining quiet is a gift to all of us.
Being quiet in the face of a potential disagreement is actually quite rewarding because of the relief it offers. We don’t have to engage in any negative dispute. We don’t have to engage in any conversation of any kind, in fact. Let’s consider standing aside today.
October 8 Detachment is not acquiescence. Detachment is far more analogous to unconditional love than to acquiescence. It means letting our loved ones make their own choices, and that doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, we care so much about them that we know they must travel their own path, rather than ours. Detachment might well be considered one of the most loving of all responses to those who travel with us. While it’s true, as I have written elsewhere, that we travel intentionally with specific people, we do it in concert as learning partners, not as mirrors of one another.
Detachment is a gift to each of us, really. Whether we are detaching from others or they from us, it’s a show of respect every time. To not allow others……..or to not be allowed………to make personal choices limits our growth. Our time here is purposeful. If we steer others in a direction that’s not right for them now, time is wasted, lessons are postponed, and opportunities are missed. They will come again, of course, but not letting them pass us by the first time they visit does mean we are certain to fulfill our purpose in a timely fashion.
Part of our purpose is to care. It’s not to do for others what they should do for themselves, however. There is a time for helping one another and a time for detaching. Let’s not confuse them.
October 9 Detachment is disengagement, nothing more. Detachment is a loving act and quite often a very difficult one. Usually we have to consciously make the decision to let someone else chart their own course and thus define their own life. We mistakenly think that since we are traveling together, we should be able to influence the direction a friend or lover takes, but that’s not the case. Possibly, our opinion will be sought, and in some cases adhered to, but there are no guarantees. We travel side by side because of the lessons we share, and one of the lessons we all have to learn, it seems, is that we cannot control the actions, the opinions, or the decisions anyone else makes.
Initially, this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. Our security feels tied to the choices our loved ones make. Are they going to leave us out of their plans, abandon us perhaps? As we grow in wisdom, however, we realize how very fortunate we are that what others do is not up to us, nor does it define us. Living one life, ours, is enough to handle.
Only after experiencing the freedom to letting others be free can we truly understand the gift of detachment. To be disengaged from what others are choosing to do will give me extra time to do what I need to do today. That’s the primary lesson I am here to learn. I know it and believe it. I will practice it today.
October 10 Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer. For probably the first forty years of my life, I let what others said or did control how I felt. If they smiled, I felt appreciated and worthy. If they frowned or ignored me or spoke harshly, I felt worthless and feared abandonment. How pathetic really. I actually didn’t know there was any other way to respond to the people or the situations in my life. They defined me, with my permission. I was their victim, but I had volunteered for the position. But then in 1974, I was introduced to Al-Anon, and that’s where my life began to change.
Certainly not everyone needs Al-Anon to grasp the wisdom that I have come to appreciate in the rooms of recovery. But it is where I learned that the behavior of others has nothing to do with me. It defines them. It reveals how they feel about themselves. When others are not kind, it’s because they are suffering in some way. I have also learned that the best response for me to make to unkind people is to silently bless them and to offer them the hand of kindness. When this is my response, then both of us feel better. Two people can get relief from suffering when one person is kind.
Suffering is always optional. This is a wonderful bit of wisdom to cherish on a daily basis.
October 11 Detachment can be triggered by the reminder, “Don’t go there.” We hold in our minds whatever thought we choose. Some of the thoughts we nurture are loving. Some are confused and negative. Many, unfortunately, are angry and blaming. Holding resentments against others for past hurts (and that’s what all resentments are about) holds us hostage and prevents us from experiencing the next lesson on our “list,” a lesson we have been prepared for. The simple suggestion “don’t go there” can change how we see everything about the incident in front of us. Of course, that means it can change everything about the rest of the day too.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. This is a terribly important distinction. It means that what we are judging in others or allowing to be diminished in us is a figment of our imagination. “Out there” matches our “in here.” When we can thoroughly grasp this realization, our life will begin to look different. The next step is that we will experience it differently too. The learning curve is long and sometimes steep but not beyond our capabilities.
Making “don’t go there” a mantra that we turn to throughout the day can change how we experience every situation that we don’t like.
It promises empowerment and peace of mind. We deserve to make it our most useful tool.
October 12 Detachment is not letting someone else determine your present. Past baggage so readily complicates present experiences, either yours or someone else’s. Accepting that the past has served whatever purpose it had and moving on is one of the primary lessons we are all here to learn. There is only now. Getting our minds around that concept truly releases us to feel the joy that awaits us in each moment. God is here, now. God was in the past too when the past was now. And God will be present in the future when it arrives, but we can only live life one moment at a time. We will grow in gratitude for this awareness when it has fully set in.
Not giving up the past means we are chained to a time and a place that simply have nothing else to teach us. Being held hostage to anyone’s past prevents us from offering to our fellow travelers what they have joined us to learn today. There will be another opportunity, of course. Our lessons follow us, and we them, until we each have fulfilled our part of the bargain. Detaining the process impedes all of us, both those dancing with us now and those dancing elsewhere. We are connected, one and all in the circle of learning.
The past controls the minds of many. But we can walk away from it, our own or someone else’s past. Detaching in this way is necessary if we want to experience peace.
October 13 Detachment relies on the “little willingness” to surrender. For some, having a “little willingness” to surrender may sound like an oxymoron. Isn’t surrendering giving up, and isn’t that an all-or-nothing act? One could say yes, surrendering is all or nothing. But first having a little willingness might be necessary. And this implies that if we open the door just a tiny bit to the idea, God will help us take it the rest of the way. Surrendering with no help from God is not easy for most of us. We may have every intention of surrendering, and we might manage to begin the process, but the full follow-through is a bigger step.
The gifts we receive from surrendering are many. It’s not a defeat, ever, to surrender an argument, to detach from the struggle or the stranglehold another person has on us. Detachment can mean something as simple as walking away from a discussion that has no solution or excusing ourselves from an argument that is getting out of control. Detachment doesn’t mean we can no longer love the person we may have to walk away from. It simply means that nothing good is coming of the discussion we are having right now, and rather than escalate it, we want to do only what would please God. Being quiet is seldom the wrong choice.
Being willing to walk away from a power struggle (or worse) is one of the most peaceful actions we can ever take. Doing it without the help of God is difficult for most of us, but seeing it as an opportunity to get closer to God makes it more appealing and far easier.
October 14 Detachment is noticing people without judgment. Judging others is a major issue for some of us. I am a long way from being the woman I really want to be when it comes to this characteristic. I know that the way through is to remember and then practice, as often as possible, thinking only those thoughts that God would want me to think. Practice doesn’t make perfect, and I frequently fall far short of my goal. But asking God to help me be loving and kind is the first necessary step to doing it.
Willingness coupled with intention, followed next by action, is what allows us to be the people we really want to be. If I don’t want to let judgment rule my thoughts, I have a blueprint for making different choices. It’s very freeing to walk away from judgment. It’s a characteristic that cripples us right along with crippling our relationships with others. We can walk tall. We can free others and ourselves with one decision.
Looking lovingly on others gives both us and them joy. Why wouldn’t we want to do this?
October 15 Detachment is freedom from chaos. Living chaotic lives can become habit-forming, so much so that a person doesn’t even realize there is another way to exist. Some people equate chaos with excitement, in fact. And who doesn’t enjoy excitement, at least occasionally? But not knowing the difference between chaos and excitement means one will likely miss the myriad opportunities to be present in the “right” way to the moment that has called. Chaos is seductive, to be sure. But so is the experience of a peaceful presence once it has been cultivated.
Becoming willing to live one’s experiences differently is the first necessary step to discovering the freedom promised by detaching from upheavals in the lives of others. Just because we are on the journey with someone else doesn’t mean we have to respond to their path. On the contrary, we may be traveling with them so we can show them that there is another way to see and live through a particular experience. We can never know for sure what we have been called to do. But we can know for certain that if we show up lovingly, we will be on the right track.
Every day offers so many opportunities to experience chaos, but for every one of them we can make the choice to be peaceful in that moment instead.
October 16 Detachment is “moving away” from a conversation that begins to irritate. I spent years of my life thinking I had to finish reading every book I started. Even if I only skimmed the chapters in the middle, I needed to get to the last page. I approached conversations with others in the same stuck way. I stayed in them even when I was agitated, obviously unheard, treated disrespectfully, or worse. Learning, as I have, that I can quit a book that doesn’t hold my interest or a conversation that isn’t respectful of my position is very empowering. Making choices that honor us takes practice. For some of us, discovering what honors us even takes time.
Taking baby steps with this idea of detachment is a good beginning. Most of us don’t come by this trait naturally. We easily get drawn into the dramas around us, particularly those involving our loved ones. It’s generally with those who are the closest to us that we have the conversations that might turn tense. The good news about this is that we have daily opportunities to practice detaching our emotions from these difficult conversations. And this doesn’t mean we always have to walk away. We will learn that we can stay in a conversation while remaining detached. That’s one of the lessons we have been promised.
Detachment is an exciting journey. Enjoying the fruits thereof is one of the gifts of this life.
October 17 Detachment is knowing that the mind can change if what you say to the mind changes. We simply are not able to hold more that one thought in our minds at a time. Whatever thought we harbor has been cultivated by none other than ourselves. That’s both the good and the bad new of our lives. Bo one has power over the good and the bad news of our lives. No one has power over how we think. Of course, that also means we can blame no one else for what we think! If we put good thoughts in our minds, we will express good thoughts to others. The reverse ifs just as powerfully true.
Being consumed with the actions of others, which can so easily happen to any of us, offers an excellent opportunity to take charge of our thinking. Letting someone else be the center of our mind, and thus of our life, means we don’t have a moment’s peace;. It also means our own life is passing us by. It’s up to us to decide what we say to ourselves. It’s up to us to determine how we relate to every moment. It’s up to us to change our minds so that our lives can be different. It’s a simple equation: what we think is what we experience. If we want something different, only we can make that happen. Today can be the day to begin.
Detachment doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean ignoring someone, either. It means not letting our minds be controlled by the presence of others. That’s all.
October 18 Detachment is letting decisions that need to be made by others be only theirs. Letting those who journey with us make their own decisions is one of our most difficult lessons, I think. We too easily mistake our “being together” as the invitation to get overly involved in one another’s life. Journeying together is not about crossing over into one another’s space. In fact, it’s far more likely that it’s about the exact opposite-about learning to walk together but not on top of each other.
We can all remember times in our own past when someone else insisted that we handle a situation their way. Or we can remember from our childhood how it felt when we were reprimanded for trying to do something in our own way. Being trusted with making the decisions that directly determine the next steps of our life is a gift we all deserve to experience. Taking the opportunity away from others, even when we think we are doing right by them, isn’t the assignment that God has called us to do. Giving the decision to whomever it belongs to is freedom. We will only understand this when we practice it.
Perhaps we long to make decisions for everyone we love. But doing so is not the expression of love that our loved ones need. They need to be trusted to make their own decisions. Today is a good day to begin the process of trust.
October 19 Detachment is “keeping it simple”-staying out of situations that don’t directly involve you. I used to think the slogan “keep it simple” was ludicrous. I was a complicated woman, after all, with a very responsible job, a graduate degree, and a plan for my life that didn’t leave a lot of room for either error or slacking off. And I had a lot of people in my life that I was keeping track of. I thought keeping it simple was denying the realities of my very busy life. How wrong I was………..and how glad I am that I was wrong.
Keeping it simple can actually mean many things, depending on the interpreter. But one of the most powerful interpretations for me has been to walk away from situations and people that don’t directly involve me. My life is quite busy enough as it is. Freeing ourselves from the seduction of getting into other people’s business isn’t easy at first, not if we have had an obsession with doing that. But it can be done. Millions have done it. We can now be an example for others, too.
Minding my own business is a challenge and is exhilarating at the same time. It can become the best of all habits to form, one that will give me both more time and more friends.
October 20 Detachment is having your life be about you, not about other people. Being really close to another person, whether it’s a parent, a significant other, a friend, a sibling, or one of our children, feels so natural, doesn’t it? We want to be close to those we love. We want to help each other make decisions, do chores, plan for the future. Walking the path with someone who is in our life is the most natural of all actions. But walking beside someone, offering an opinion when asked for it, and being supportive when it’s truly an act of love is not the same as taking someone else’s “work” away from them. We all have specific “assignments” in this life. Not being allowed to do our own work prevents us from realizing the growth we are here to achieve.
When any one of us fails to fulfill that which we are here to do, many others will not get the opportunity to do what they are here to do either. We are like puzzle pieces comprising a panoramic scene. Not filling in the space that’s been designated as ours means the picture isn’t complete. Our own life must be attended to if we are to be, and to give, all that we can to the circle of associates who are obviously part of our journey. Nothing is happening by chance. Those who are next to us on the path need our input perhaps, but little more.
The thrill of living our lives in concert with others is great indeed. But we must have the freedom to fulfill our part of the journey alone.
October 21 Detachment is living in our adult observer role Being a silent observer is an unfamiliar role for many of us. We too often assume that our input is desired, at times even required, only because we are present to a situation . Being told that our opinion isn’t necessary or even wanted can be interpreted as an affront. But we can choose to see this a different way: we can decide to enjoy the freedom this offers us. Not having to respond to the many experiences that we share with others is rather refreshing. It’s food for us and for our companions, too.
The idea of detachment doesn’t mean we don’t care what’s happening to others. Nor does it mean that what’s happening has no effect on us. It simply means that we don’t have to react to any situation. We can observe it, make a judgment about it and then choose a proper response if one is actually called fro or perhaps not respond at all. Practicing not responding is highly recommended if we want to grow in an important way. Making no response will become easier in time, and it sets a wonderful example for others, too.
Observing what’s going on around us without comment takes willingness and, on occasion, great strength, too. But detaching from others so they can do their own work is part of our work, too.
October 22 Detachment is not being dependent on others for good feelings. Reaching a state of well-being that isn’t reliant on anyone else’s actions is what we all hope for and what most of us strive for. Celebrating our worthiness, regardless of how others might be responding to us, isn’t a natural act. We seem to be far too dependent on others telling us that we are okay, either through words or deeds. The joy of experiencing a moment now and then, when we simply know we are fine regardless of what others are doing or saying is so much appreciated.
Being detached doesn’t mean we are oblivious to the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others. It just means that how we feel about ourselves isn’t controlled or even compromised by what others are doing. We are on parallel journeys, complementing one another but not determining the outcome for one another. Knowing that we don’t need someone else’s approval for us to do what feels right gives us the freedom and the permission to move forward in the ways we must if we are to fulfill our purpose here.
Detachment is the hallmark of a life being well lived. As long as we rely on anyone else for our good feelings, we can’t count on ever being wholly peaceful. And that’s no way to live.
October 23 Detachment is taking responsibility for our own life. Not blaming others for anything that has happened to us in this life is the mark of spiritual maturity. It’s also a goal that most of us have to spend years striving to attain. It’s not unusual to want to make others responsible for our failures or for our insufficiencies. Being told that the circumstances of our birth, the unloving parent or spouse, or the inability to master the educational system can’t be blamed aren’t easy pills for us to swallow. But until we say to ourselves and others, “I am wholly responsible for all that has occurred in my life,” we will not be able to move out of the prison we have built for ourselves.
Being fully responsible may feel daunting initially. But taking the responsibility in small bites makes it more digestible. Believing that we did the best we could with what was available is a good place to begin. This is also a good place to begin when we think of the supposed failings of our parents. They too did the best they could. Until we can come to terms with that, most of us won’t be very willing to take responsibility for what later followed in our own lives. A great analogy is to think of ourselves as toddlers trying to learn how to walk: we fall a lot. And that’s okay. Getting up again is what’s important.
Not looking to someone else to pick us up is the mark of maturity. We are on the path of emotional and spiritual maturity right now. Moving forward a step at a time is all that’s suggested.
October 24 Detachment means not being a victim anymore. Some say there are no victims, only volunteers. When I first heard that phrase, I was mystified. How could a person who suffered at the hands of another be considered a volunteer? But volunteers we are. Lest you misunderstand, I don’t want to suggest that there are no culprits in this world. But how we perceive those people who mistreat us is our choice. We can see those who are mean-spirited or worse as fearful, angry people who are looking for acceptance, even love, in the only way they know how. We don’t have to stay in their presence. Nor do we have to approve of their actions. But we can seek to understand them and move on.
We are moving along this path to master the lessons we have come here to learn, and those who travel with us, our compatriots as well as our adversaries, are fulfilling their designated roles too. That’s not easy to fathom if what we experience is unpleasant, but each of us is playing a part in the drama. To not take the actions of others as intentionally hurtful is the best of all lessons. Detaching from what we are experiencing is a possibility. Always.
What a glorious day today can be if I can remember that my experiences are part of my necessary learning curve.
October 25 Detachment is living one’s own life while letting friends and family live as they choose. Letting others live as they choose doesn’t sound that difficult, does it? At first glance, we’d probably say no, I can do that; what do I care what others are doing? But the fact of the matter is that most of us try, sometimes not very subtly, to control the actions of others. We too easily think we have a better idea about how to solve a problem. Or that we know what the preferred outcome should be. What we have forgotten perhaps is that everyone has his or her own specific agenda that has been given by one’s Higher Power. When we interfere, we prevent the growth that’s intended for our companions.
The more important reason for letting go of the lives of our companions is that we can’t do what we are here to do when we are overly focused on someone else’s journey. We travel together. And for that we can be very grateful. But we are running on parallel courses. What any one of us has as a plan for the day, the week, or one’s entire life may well be affected by that which a friend or family member is doing. But we must forge ahead regardless and let our companions completer their journeys, too.
Being on parallel courses gives each one of us courage and strength. Both not having to carry one another is the best of all blessings.
October 26 Detachment is never letting someone else control how we think, feel, or behave. Although I have already mentioned this earlier, it’s worth repeating: until I read John Powell’s little book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? in 1971, I had no idea how controlled I was by the very presence of others in my life, not only people I knew well but also complete strangers. If someone looked at me unfavorable or failed to look at me at all, I was consumed with doubt. Unless I was receiving nearly constant, positive attention, I felt invisible and unappreciated, certainly unloved. Being the center of everyone else’s life was what my ego demanded. But it never truly happened, fortunately.
When we are the center of anyone else’s life (and only someone who is very insecure would want to control us in this way), it restricts our every movement. We don’t have a life of our own when we have abdicated responsibility for ourselves, all our dreams and aspirations, all our decisions and actions, to others. It’s crucial that we savor the awareness that what we are here to do complements what others are here to do, too. But none of us are here to do for others what they need to be doing for themselves. This can’t be overstated. Being detached, being in charge solely of one’s self is life’s assignment.
It’s not always easy to turn away from the demands or cajoling of others. But what we may need to do is our decision, in the final analysis. Let’s stick with that.
October 27 Detachment is letting go of fear over other’s behavior. Throughout my own life there were so many ways to feel fear about what others were doing. Growing up, I was afraid of potential violence in my home. I was afraid of my dad’s anger. I was afraid my best friends were going to reject me every time a new student moved to our school. I was afraid of not being picked to play kickball after school. I was afraid I would remain uninvited to a birthday party. Then when boys entered the picture, I was certain no one would want me as a girlfriend or later, as a wife.
The overwhelming sense of fear shadowed me throughout the first three decades of my life. Until I was introduce to the concept that I had a Higher Power who traveled with me and who always “picked me” as worthy, I fought the urge to hang on to whoever wandered close by. Hanging on to others, in the way I did, suffocated many potential friendships. I really never believe it was possible to be free of the fear that crippled me. But I am. No longer do I look to others for my self-worth. No longer am I afraid. Period. What changed? I developed the willingness to believe that life gives us the journey we were meant to have and that we aren’t alone on this trip. And this willingness is available to all of us.
What anyone else is doing doesn’t determine who we are or what we are worth. That’s an awareness that makes all the difference in the world to people who doubt.
October 28 Detachment is freedom from relying on others to complete our lives. Having others in our lives to complement our journey is a gift we all deserve. But being dependent on their presence in order to feel secure is not healthy. Nor is being so independent that we want no one else to share our path with us. Being interdependent is the best of all possible choices.
Joining with others, wherever they are, is an easy way to make a contribution toward the peace that’s so often missing in families and communities everywhere. But joining with someone is not the same as denying who we are in order to fit in or to be valued. Joining with another is about giving up the idea that we should compare ourselves or compete with each other. It’s about saying, “We are one” - interconnected, rather than separate. It’s an act of love. It’s not possession. When we join, everyone remains free. And valued. We simply don’t have to share every opinion.
Our lives are complemented by others but not completed by them. For this we can be very thankful. It allows us to be who we are meant to be.
October 29 Detachment, when fully expressed, promises peacefulness.To be peaceful means not letting anyone else’s behavior control how we feel about them, about ourselves, about the moment, or about the situation at hand. In other words, being totally free of any external influence is the only thing that can guarantee sustainable peace. We do have that option; we seldom exercise it, however. Far more often we let the mood swings or actions of others determine our own moods and behaviors. What a refreshing idea to know that we have made that choice. It’s not required! We can make another choice. Detachment, fully expressed, may seem a bit extreme. But like the ever-so-common phrase “You can’t be a little bit pregnant,” you can’t be a little bit detached. We are either our own person or we are not. To be fully detached doesn’t mean ignoring the others on our path, nor does it mean being unkind. But it does mean we make our own decisions regardless of the opinions and plans of others. Peace is the gift that’s realized when we decide who we will be and then be it.*Isn’t peace what we all want? There is a guaranteed way to get it: detach. When others are in our circle, we make sure that we stay within our own choices. We do it lovingly so all will benefit.
October 30 Detachment is a gift that we receive from our relationships well lived. Having relationships doesn’t always ensure that we enjoy them. Many of us have experienced relationships that were ill-conceived from the start. Sometimes we go into a relationship simply because it was convenient or, as in my case, because it seemed better than being alone. But relationship that isn’t based on mutual values or on the willingness to respect our differences isn’t destined to fulfill our yearnings, not for long anyway.
There’s another element that contributes to a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial if the relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is the sum of more than the two parts. This is where the concept of detachment enters. Not being afraid to let our relationship partner live his or her life, trusting that their choices don’t have to mimic ours for us to be compatible, is a sign of strength and health. It’s also the necessary sign that we are trusting God to be in charge of the journey we each need to make.
*GOD never detaches from us. That’s the spiritual axiom that allows us to detach from all others with the faith that whomever we need to journey with will come to us.
OCT 31 Detachment from others is necessary to fully enjoy attachment to God. If our focus is obsessively on someone else, we simply cannot be present to the people & the lessons with them that God has planned for us. Our journey is quite intentional. And pay attention we must. Actually, that’s a relief, isn’t it? It means we don’t have to let the actions of others take over our minds. We don’t have to let their opinions, their outbursts, their sulking, or their silence define us in any way. Letting them be gives us the opportunity we need to connect to God with the fullness of our hearts. Learning to journey with others is the paramount lesson for many of us.
In our attachment to God we are helped to clearly understand the work we have been born to fulfill. Each one of us is unique and able to perform our specific tasks as no one else can. And in order for every task to b e completed, it takes every one of us to do our part. We can be supportive of one another. We should be, in fact. But we must let the completion of the details be handled by the person assigned to them.
*There is such joy in feeling attached to God. It means there is no fear. We will not doubt our worth. We will know that we have a purpose, and we will know how to fulfill it because God will supply all the information we need.
October 1 Detachment means freedom from obsession. I, for one, am all too familiar with how obsessing over the actions of others can cause my emotions to spin out of control. Left unchecked, I can find myself in a downward spiral that feels overwhelming and can lead to the awful feeling of hopelessness that used to be a constant companion. Obsession with others on our path can creep up on us when least expected. But I have come to understand, with the help of those wiser than myself on this journey, that when I am ot staying close enough to my Higher Power, I am very vulnerable to the old habit of watching others and letting how they behave determine how I feel.
I have been on this spiritual journey for many decades, actually for my whole life when I acknowledge that God was always present even when I was unable to acknowledge it. And yet, I can slip away from the very habits that keep me serene, sane, and living in the joy that is my birthright. I am quite certain the same is true for many of you. We can learn how to detach. We can think about God rather than about what someone else is doing or not doing. Moving our thought s from one to the other is the key to happiness. It’s guaranteed.
Being lovingly detached is the best way to honor one another’s journey. Everyone is here for a specific set of lessons. We must allow everyone to follow his or her own inner guidance to learn their lessons.
October 2 Detachment is knowing that what others do is not a reflection on you. When our companions act out or treat us poorly in public, when our friends or partners are rude or ill-behaved in any way, it’s easy to think that others are judging us along with our partner for whatever he or she has done, particularly if we have been guilty of this form of judgment ourselves. I don’t thing we instinctively know that another person’s behaviour reflects solely on them, never on us. If others do judge us for someone else’s behaviour, it’s generally because they are enmeshed in the actions of others themselves.
Having good boundaries with the people on our journey requires daily attention. Because we know others are sharing our journey for the lessons we are both here to learn. It’s easy to slip over the line that actually separates what any one of us individually needs to master. We aren’t separate from one another in the spiritual sense, but that’s another matter. Let’s not confuse the two. When we do, others’ actions and choices get in the way of our peace of mind. And neither of us can find the joy that has been promised us.
Defining our boundaries with others serves both of us. It assures us that we will never get entrapped in emotions that belong to someone else.
October 3 Detachment is not making a big deal of situations, even complicated ones.
When I was whining for the umpteenth time about a situation over which I had no control, a good friend said, “So what?” I was initially startled, miffed, and even slightly hurt, but soon realized that she had done me a great service. I was creating a drama over a very minor, though often repeated, situation. And the reality is, we don’t need to dramatize even major situations. When we allow God into the mix of the resolution, calm can prevail. As I have matured, calm has become far more attractive to me.
Knowing that “I can feel peace instead of this” has been a lifesaving mantra. The only problem is that I have to remember to use it. Periodically I slide into old behavior and let what’s happening around me influence how I am feeling. When my emotions get triggered by what I am seeing others do or hearing what others are saying, I have given up my own life for the moment. Their actions or words may not make me angry, but they can create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my reality for that moment. With practice, I can remember to create my own reality, and I’m far better for it.
Creating my own reality is an excellent undertaking every moment of the day. Unless I am in the flow of detaching from others, my reality will be clouded by their behavior.
October 4 Detachment empowers us. The gift of empowerment comes every time we let someone else decide his or her fate. Even the tiny decision someone might be struggling with doesn’t need our input unless asked for. This is not an easy realization to come to grips with. So much of our persona may well be tied to having our friends or family members mirror our choices. And yet, when we lay that expectation on them or simply hold that expectation quietly within, we will experience chaos. No one wants to be controlled. Even when we are subtle about it, it’s recognized and resisted.
You may be wondering what empowerment feels like if this is a new concept to you. It’s probably best understood in terms of synonyms. It’s freedom. It’s peace of mind. It’s not feeling absorbed by the antics of others. It’s clarity of thinking. It’s a feeling of lightness throughout the body. It’s having the time to be joyful and unencumbered. It’s having the sense that God is close. Detachment is truly a gift of great proportions. Nothing can be well attended to when our emotions are attached to the actions of others.
Today I will become willing to let God, not my companions, be the center of my life.
October 5 Detachment frees us from overreaction. Overreacting to the myriad situations in my life whether bona fide major ones or extremely minor incidents, was once standard practice. Maybe you can relate. It made little difference what my spouse or a friend or co-worker did; I was capable of taking their actions or words quite personally and then acting in ways that were seldom fitting for the situation. The idea of considering how I wanted to respond and then actually responding in a sane way had never occurred to me. For decades I had watched my family of origin react to whatever happened, and I was a great imitator.
Learning that there is another way to see, to interpret, to respond is like being given a second chance at life. We are on this path with others because of what we each have to learn. We are journeying together. Intentionally. We are not making the journey for each other or as each other. Doing for others what they need to do for themselves prevents the learning that needs to occur, both ours and theirs. Stepping aside and watching others handle that which is theirs to handle, and not letting what they do determine how we feel, is the “real stuff” of this journey. Discovering this makes every minute pretty exciting.
Making the decision to thoroughly enjoy this or any other day is pretty simple. It relies on our willingness to not let the actions of others take over our minds. We are in charge of what we think, what we way, what we do. Grabbing hold of his principle will change everything.
October 6 Detachment may mean doing nothing. Do nothing! What a concept! With what frequency does your mind savor the idea of doing nothing when a partner or friend pushes your buttons? Probably not very often, unless you have already acquired some understanding of the pitfalls of being too attached to the whims, the behavior, or the attitudes and opinions of others. Simply walking away when our ego really wants to scream in retaliation is not easy. In fact, it may feel nearly impossible. But it can be done. I know; I have learned to do it.
Not responding………in other words, detaching…………doesn’t mean we don’t care what the other person is doing or saying ‘to’ or ‘about’ us. We may care a great deal. But we have to ask ourselves, Will it help this situation for me to say something? If it honestly will, try to speak lovingly; but in most instances, letting the moment pass will be more fruitful. Adding fuel to the embers of an incident will cause it to erupt into flames that can easily get out of control. We have all been there. We don’t ever have to go there again.
Making the choice to do nothing when we feel like someone is trying to egg us on is a hugely important decision. The empowerment we will feel is so worth the effort it takes to simply let the moment pass.
October 7 Detachment may be remaining quiet. The urge to respond verbally, and generally not too kindly, to a perceived attack, an imagined affront, or an unmistakable put-down is overwhelming sometimes. Although giving in to the urge is not the end of the world, it will not help the situation. In most instances, the solution to a situation that borders on ugly is to bless it and let it go. Those who attack us in any form are full of fear. It may be fear of lack of control, fear of not getting what they deserve, fear of rejection, or fear of looking insignificant that makes them do and say what injures others. But certainly fear is at the root.
Saying to ourselves in those situations that no harm is meant will defuse the emotions that might be running through our mind at that time. Responding from an angry place, whether seemingly justified or not, will not make for a productive resolution. The only sensible response to a fearful outburst from someone else is an expression of love, either verbally spoken or quietly embraced in the mind. Countering fear with a fearful expression, which is what all anger engenders, will not result in a peaceful moment in the life of anyone. Giving peace a chance by remaining quiet is a gift to all of us.
Being quiet in the face of a potential disagreement is actually quite rewarding because of the relief it offers. We don’t have to engage in any negative dispute. We don’t have to engage in any conversation of any kind, in fact. Let’s consider standing aside today.
October 8 Detachment is not acquiescence. Detachment is far more analogous to unconditional love than to acquiescence. It means letting our loved ones make their own choices, and that doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, we care so much about them that we know they must travel their own path, rather than ours. Detachment might well be considered one of the most loving of all responses to those who travel with us. While it’s true, as I have written elsewhere, that we travel intentionally with specific people, we do it in concert as learning partners, not as mirrors of one another.
Detachment is a gift to each of us, really. Whether we are detaching from others or they from us, it’s a show of respect every time. To not allow others……..or to not be allowed………to make personal choices limits our growth. Our time here is purposeful. If we steer others in a direction that’s not right for them now, time is wasted, lessons are postponed, and opportunities are missed. They will come again, of course, but not letting them pass us by the first time they visit does mean we are certain to fulfill our purpose in a timely fashion.
Part of our purpose is to care. It’s not to do for others what they should do for themselves, however. There is a time for helping one another and a time for detaching. Let’s not confuse them.
October 9 Detachment is disengagement, nothing more. Detachment is a loving act and quite often a very difficult one. Usually we have to consciously make the decision to let someone else chart their own course and thus define their own life. We mistakenly think that since we are traveling together, we should be able to influence the direction a friend or lover takes, but that’s not the case. Possibly, our opinion will be sought, and in some cases adhered to, but there are no guarantees. We travel side by side because of the lessons we share, and one of the lessons we all have to learn, it seems, is that we cannot control the actions, the opinions, or the decisions anyone else makes.
Initially, this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. Our security feels tied to the choices our loved ones make. Are they going to leave us out of their plans, abandon us perhaps? As we grow in wisdom, however, we realize how very fortunate we are that what others do is not up to us, nor does it define us. Living one life, ours, is enough to handle.
Only after experiencing the freedom to letting others be free can we truly understand the gift of detachment. To be disengaged from what others are choosing to do will give me extra time to do what I need to do today. That’s the primary lesson I am here to learn. I know it and believe it. I will practice it today.
October 10 Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer. For probably the first forty years of my life, I let what others said or did control how I felt. If they smiled, I felt appreciated and worthy. If they frowned or ignored me or spoke harshly, I felt worthless and feared abandonment. How pathetic really. I actually didn’t know there was any other way to respond to the people or the situations in my life. They defined me, with my permission. I was their victim, but I had volunteered for the position. But then in 1974, I was introduced to Al-Anon, and that’s where my life began to change.
Certainly not everyone needs Al-Anon to grasp the wisdom that I have come to appreciate in the rooms of recovery. But it is where I learned that the behavior of others has nothing to do with me. It defines them. It reveals how they feel about themselves. When others are not kind, it’s because they are suffering in some way. I have also learned that the best response for me to make to unkind people is to silently bless them and to offer them the hand of kindness. When this is my response, then both of us feel better. Two people can get relief from suffering when one person is kind.
Suffering is always optional. This is a wonderful bit of wisdom to cherish on a daily basis.
October 11 Detachment can be triggered by the reminder, “Don’t go there.” We hold in our minds whatever thought we choose. Some of the thoughts we nurture are loving. Some are confused and negative. Many, unfortunately, are angry and blaming. Holding resentments against others for past hurts (and that’s what all resentments are about) holds us hostage and prevents us from experiencing the next lesson on our “list,” a lesson we have been prepared for. The simple suggestion “don’t go there” can change how we see everything about the incident in front of us. Of course, that means it can change everything about the rest of the day too.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. This is a terribly important distinction. It means that what we are judging in others or allowing to be diminished in us is a figment of our imagination. “Out there” matches our “in here.” When we can thoroughly grasp this realization, our life will begin to look different. The next step is that we will experience it differently too. The learning curve is long and sometimes steep but not beyond our capabilities.
Making “don’t go there” a mantra that we turn to throughout the day can change how we experience every situation that we don’t like.
It promises empowerment and peace of mind. We deserve to make it our most useful tool.
October 12 Detachment is not letting someone else determine your present. Past baggage so readily complicates present experiences, either yours or someone else’s. Accepting that the past has served whatever purpose it had and moving on is one of the primary lessons we are all here to learn. There is only now. Getting our minds around that concept truly releases us to feel the joy that awaits us in each moment. God is here, now. God was in the past too when the past was now. And God will be present in the future when it arrives, but we can only live life one moment at a time. We will grow in gratitude for this awareness when it has fully set in.
Not giving up the past means we are chained to a time and a place that simply have nothing else to teach us. Being held hostage to anyone’s past prevents us from offering to our fellow travelers what they have joined us to learn today. There will be another opportunity, of course. Our lessons follow us, and we them, until we each have fulfilled our part of the bargain. Detaining the process impedes all of us, both those dancing with us now and those dancing elsewhere. We are connected, one and all in the circle of learning.
The past controls the minds of many. But we can walk away from it, our own or someone else’s past. Detaching in this way is necessary if we want to experience peace.
October 13 Detachment relies on the “little willingness” to surrender. For some, having a “little willingness” to surrender may sound like an oxymoron. Isn’t surrendering giving up, and isn’t that an all-or-nothing act? One could say yes, surrendering is all or nothing. But first having a little willingness might be necessary. And this implies that if we open the door just a tiny bit to the idea, God will help us take it the rest of the way. Surrendering with no help from God is not easy for most of us. We may have every intention of surrendering, and we might manage to begin the process, but the full follow-through is a bigger step.
The gifts we receive from surrendering are many. It’s not a defeat, ever, to surrender an argument, to detach from the struggle or the stranglehold another person has on us. Detachment can mean something as simple as walking away from a discussion that has no solution or excusing ourselves from an argument that is getting out of control. Detachment doesn’t mean we can no longer love the person we may have to walk away from. It simply means that nothing good is coming of the discussion we are having right now, and rather than escalate it, we want to do only what would please God. Being quiet is seldom the wrong choice.
Being willing to walk away from a power struggle (or worse) is one of the most peaceful actions we can ever take. Doing it without the help of God is difficult for most of us, but seeing it as an opportunity to get closer to God makes it more appealing and far easier.
October 14 Detachment is noticing people without judgment. Judging others is a major issue for some of us. I am a long way from being the woman I really want to be when it comes to this characteristic. I know that the way through is to remember and then practice, as often as possible, thinking only those thoughts that God would want me to think. Practice doesn’t make perfect, and I frequently fall far short of my goal. But asking God to help me be loving and kind is the first necessary step to doing it.
Willingness coupled with intention, followed next by action, is what allows us to be the people we really want to be. If I don’t want to let judgment rule my thoughts, I have a blueprint for making different choices. It’s very freeing to walk away from judgment. It’s a characteristic that cripples us right along with crippling our relationships with others. We can walk tall. We can free others and ourselves with one decision.
Looking lovingly on others gives both us and them joy. Why wouldn’t we want to do this?
October 15 Detachment is freedom from chaos. Living chaotic lives can become habit-forming, so much so that a person doesn’t even realize there is another way to exist. Some people equate chaos with excitement, in fact. And who doesn’t enjoy excitement, at least occasionally? But not knowing the difference between chaos and excitement means one will likely miss the myriad opportunities to be present in the “right” way to the moment that has called. Chaos is seductive, to be sure. But so is the experience of a peaceful presence once it has been cultivated.
Becoming willing to live one’s experiences differently is the first necessary step to discovering the freedom promised by detaching from upheavals in the lives of others. Just because we are on the journey with someone else doesn’t mean we have to respond to their path. On the contrary, we may be traveling with them so we can show them that there is another way to see and live through a particular experience. We can never know for sure what we have been called to do. But we can know for certain that if we show up lovingly, we will be on the right track.
Every day offers so many opportunities to experience chaos, but for every one of them we can make the choice to be peaceful in that moment instead.
October 16 Detachment is “moving away” from a conversation that begins to irritate. I spent years of my life thinking I had to finish reading every book I started. Even if I only skimmed the chapters in the middle, I needed to get to the last page. I approached conversations with others in the same stuck way. I stayed in them even when I was agitated, obviously unheard, treated disrespectfully, or worse. Learning, as I have, that I can quit a book that doesn’t hold my interest or a conversation that isn’t respectful of my position is very empowering. Making choices that honor us takes practice. For some of us, discovering what honors us even takes time.
Taking baby steps with this idea of detachment is a good beginning. Most of us don’t come by this trait naturally. We easily get drawn into the dramas around us, particularly those involving our loved ones. It’s generally with those who are the closest to us that we have the conversations that might turn tense. The good news about this is that we have daily opportunities to practice detaching our emotions from these difficult conversations. And this doesn’t mean we always have to walk away. We will learn that we can stay in a conversation while remaining detached. That’s one of the lessons we have been promised.
Detachment is an exciting journey. Enjoying the fruits thereof is one of the gifts of this life.
October 17 Detachment is knowing that the mind can change if what you say to the mind changes. We simply are not able to hold more that one thought in our minds at a time. Whatever thought we harbor has been cultivated by none other than ourselves. That’s both the good and the bad new of our lives. Bo one has power over the good and the bad news of our lives. No one has power over how we think. Of course, that also means we can blame no one else for what we think! If we put good thoughts in our minds, we will express good thoughts to others. The reverse ifs just as powerfully true.
Being consumed with the actions of others, which can so easily happen to any of us, offers an excellent opportunity to take charge of our thinking. Letting someone else be the center of our mind, and thus of our life, means we don’t have a moment’s peace;. It also means our own life is passing us by. It’s up to us to decide what we say to ourselves. It’s up to us to determine how we relate to every moment. It’s up to us to change our minds so that our lives can be different. It’s a simple equation: what we think is what we experience. If we want something different, only we can make that happen. Today can be the day to begin.
Detachment doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean ignoring someone, either. It means not letting our minds be controlled by the presence of others. That’s all.
October 18 Detachment is letting decisions that need to be made by others be only theirs. Letting those who journey with us make their own decisions is one of our most difficult lessons, I think. We too easily mistake our “being together” as the invitation to get overly involved in one another’s life. Journeying together is not about crossing over into one another’s space. In fact, it’s far more likely that it’s about the exact opposite-about learning to walk together but not on top of each other.
We can all remember times in our own past when someone else insisted that we handle a situation their way. Or we can remember from our childhood how it felt when we were reprimanded for trying to do something in our own way. Being trusted with making the decisions that directly determine the next steps of our life is a gift we all deserve to experience. Taking the opportunity away from others, even when we think we are doing right by them, isn’t the assignment that God has called us to do. Giving the decision to whomever it belongs to is freedom. We will only understand this when we practice it.
Perhaps we long to make decisions for everyone we love. But doing so is not the expression of love that our loved ones need. They need to be trusted to make their own decisions. Today is a good day to begin the process of trust.
October 19 Detachment is “keeping it simple”-staying out of situations that don’t directly involve you. I used to think the slogan “keep it simple” was ludicrous. I was a complicated woman, after all, with a very responsible job, a graduate degree, and a plan for my life that didn’t leave a lot of room for either error or slacking off. And I had a lot of people in my life that I was keeping track of. I thought keeping it simple was denying the realities of my very busy life. How wrong I was………..and how glad I am that I was wrong.
Keeping it simple can actually mean many things, depending on the interpreter. But one of the most powerful interpretations for me has been to walk away from situations and people that don’t directly involve me. My life is quite busy enough as it is. Freeing ourselves from the seduction of getting into other people’s business isn’t easy at first, not if we have had an obsession with doing that. But it can be done. Millions have done it. We can now be an example for others, too.
Minding my own business is a challenge and is exhilarating at the same time. It can become the best of all habits to form, one that will give me both more time and more friends.
October 20 Detachment is having your life be about you, not about other people. Being really close to another person, whether it’s a parent, a significant other, a friend, a sibling, or one of our children, feels so natural, doesn’t it? We want to be close to those we love. We want to help each other make decisions, do chores, plan for the future. Walking the path with someone who is in our life is the most natural of all actions. But walking beside someone, offering an opinion when asked for it, and being supportive when it’s truly an act of love is not the same as taking someone else’s “work” away from them. We all have specific “assignments” in this life. Not being allowed to do our own work prevents us from realizing the growth we are here to achieve.
When any one of us fails to fulfill that which we are here to do, many others will not get the opportunity to do what they are here to do either. We are like puzzle pieces comprising a panoramic scene. Not filling in the space that’s been designated as ours means the picture isn’t complete. Our own life must be attended to if we are to be, and to give, all that we can to the circle of associates who are obviously part of our journey. Nothing is happening by chance. Those who are next to us on the path need our input perhaps, but little more.
The thrill of living our lives in concert with others is great indeed. But we must have the freedom to fulfill our part of the journey alone.
October 21 Detachment is living in our adult observer role Being a silent observer is an unfamiliar role for many of us. We too often assume that our input is desired, at times even required, only because we are present to a situation . Being told that our opinion isn’t necessary or even wanted can be interpreted as an affront. But we can choose to see this a different way: we can decide to enjoy the freedom this offers us. Not having to respond to the many experiences that we share with others is rather refreshing. It’s food for us and for our companions, too.
The idea of detachment doesn’t mean we don’t care what’s happening to others. Nor does it mean that what’s happening has no effect on us. It simply means that we don’t have to react to any situation. We can observe it, make a judgment about it and then choose a proper response if one is actually called fro or perhaps not respond at all. Practicing not responding is highly recommended if we want to grow in an important way. Making no response will become easier in time, and it sets a wonderful example for others, too.
Observing what’s going on around us without comment takes willingness and, on occasion, great strength, too. But detaching from others so they can do their own work is part of our work, too.
October 22 Detachment is not being dependent on others for good feelings. Reaching a state of well-being that isn’t reliant on anyone else’s actions is what we all hope for and what most of us strive for. Celebrating our worthiness, regardless of how others might be responding to us, isn’t a natural act. We seem to be far too dependent on others telling us that we are okay, either through words or deeds. The joy of experiencing a moment now and then, when we simply know we are fine regardless of what others are doing or saying is so much appreciated.
Being detached doesn’t mean we are oblivious to the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others. It just means that how we feel about ourselves isn’t controlled or even compromised by what others are doing. We are on parallel journeys, complementing one another but not determining the outcome for one another. Knowing that we don’t need someone else’s approval for us to do what feels right gives us the freedom and the permission to move forward in the ways we must if we are to fulfill our purpose here.
Detachment is the hallmark of a life being well lived. As long as we rely on anyone else for our good feelings, we can’t count on ever being wholly peaceful. And that’s no way to live.
October 23 Detachment is taking responsibility for our own life. Not blaming others for anything that has happened to us in this life is the mark of spiritual maturity. It’s also a goal that most of us have to spend years striving to attain. It’s not unusual to want to make others responsible for our failures or for our insufficiencies. Being told that the circumstances of our birth, the unloving parent or spouse, or the inability to master the educational system can’t be blamed aren’t easy pills for us to swallow. But until we say to ourselves and others, “I am wholly responsible for all that has occurred in my life,” we will not be able to move out of the prison we have built for ourselves.
Being fully responsible may feel daunting initially. But taking the responsibility in small bites makes it more digestible. Believing that we did the best we could with what was available is a good place to begin. This is also a good place to begin when we think of the supposed failings of our parents. They too did the best they could. Until we can come to terms with that, most of us won’t be very willing to take responsibility for what later followed in our own lives. A great analogy is to think of ourselves as toddlers trying to learn how to walk: we fall a lot. And that’s okay. Getting up again is what’s important.
Not looking to someone else to pick us up is the mark of maturity. We are on the path of emotional and spiritual maturity right now. Moving forward a step at a time is all that’s suggested.
October 24 Detachment means not being a victim anymore. Some say there are no victims, only volunteers. When I first heard that phrase, I was mystified. How could a person who suffered at the hands of another be considered a volunteer? But volunteers we are. Lest you misunderstand, I don’t want to suggest that there are no culprits in this world. But how we perceive those people who mistreat us is our choice. We can see those who are mean-spirited or worse as fearful, angry people who are looking for acceptance, even love, in the only way they know how. We don’t have to stay in their presence. Nor do we have to approve of their actions. But we can seek to understand them and move on.
We are moving along this path to master the lessons we have come here to learn, and those who travel with us, our compatriots as well as our adversaries, are fulfilling their designated roles too. That’s not easy to fathom if what we experience is unpleasant, but each of us is playing a part in the drama. To not take the actions of others as intentionally hurtful is the best of all lessons. Detaching from what we are experiencing is a possibility. Always.
What a glorious day today can be if I can remember that my experiences are part of my necessary learning curve.
October 25 Detachment is living one’s own life while letting friends and family live as they choose. Letting others live as they choose doesn’t sound that difficult, does it? At first glance, we’d probably say no, I can do that; what do I care what others are doing? But the fact of the matter is that most of us try, sometimes not very subtly, to control the actions of others. We too easily think we have a better idea about how to solve a problem. Or that we know what the preferred outcome should be. What we have forgotten perhaps is that everyone has his or her own specific agenda that has been given by one’s Higher Power. When we interfere, we prevent the growth that’s intended for our companions.
The more important reason for letting go of the lives of our companions is that we can’t do what we are here to do when we are overly focused on someone else’s journey. We travel together. And for that we can be very grateful. But we are running on parallel courses. What any one of us has as a plan for the day, the week, or one’s entire life may well be affected by that which a friend or family member is doing. But we must forge ahead regardless and let our companions completer their journeys, too.
Being on parallel courses gives each one of us courage and strength. Both not having to carry one another is the best of all blessings.
October 26 Detachment is never letting someone else control how we think, feel, or behave. Although I have already mentioned this earlier, it’s worth repeating: until I read John Powell’s little book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? in 1971, I had no idea how controlled I was by the very presence of others in my life, not only people I knew well but also complete strangers. If someone looked at me unfavorable or failed to look at me at all, I was consumed with doubt. Unless I was receiving nearly constant, positive attention, I felt invisible and unappreciated, certainly unloved. Being the center of everyone else’s life was what my ego demanded. But it never truly happened, fortunately.
When we are the center of anyone else’s life (and only someone who is very insecure would want to control us in this way), it restricts our every movement. We don’t have a life of our own when we have abdicated responsibility for ourselves, all our dreams and aspirations, all our decisions and actions, to others. It’s crucial that we savor the awareness that what we are here to do complements what others are here to do, too. But none of us are here to do for others what they need to be doing for themselves. This can’t be overstated. Being detached, being in charge solely of one’s self is life’s assignment.
It’s not always easy to turn away from the demands or cajoling of others. But what we may need to do is our decision, in the final analysis. Let’s stick with that.
October 27 Detachment is letting go of fear over other’s behavior. Throughout my own life there were so many ways to feel fear about what others were doing. Growing up, I was afraid of potential violence in my home. I was afraid of my dad’s anger. I was afraid my best friends were going to reject me every time a new student moved to our school. I was afraid of not being picked to play kickball after school. I was afraid I would remain uninvited to a birthday party. Then when boys entered the picture, I was certain no one would want me as a girlfriend or later, as a wife.
The overwhelming sense of fear shadowed me throughout the first three decades of my life. Until I was introduce to the concept that I had a Higher Power who traveled with me and who always “picked me” as worthy, I fought the urge to hang on to whoever wandered close by. Hanging on to others, in the way I did, suffocated many potential friendships. I really never believe it was possible to be free of the fear that crippled me. But I am. No longer do I look to others for my self-worth. No longer am I afraid. Period. What changed? I developed the willingness to believe that life gives us the journey we were meant to have and that we aren’t alone on this trip. And this willingness is available to all of us.
What anyone else is doing doesn’t determine who we are or what we are worth. That’s an awareness that makes all the difference in the world to people who doubt.
October 28 Detachment is freedom from relying on others to complete our lives. Having others in our lives to complement our journey is a gift we all deserve. But being dependent on their presence in order to feel secure is not healthy. Nor is being so independent that we want no one else to share our path with us. Being interdependent is the best of all possible choices.
Joining with others, wherever they are, is an easy way to make a contribution toward the peace that’s so often missing in families and communities everywhere. But joining with someone is not the same as denying who we are in order to fit in or to be valued. Joining with another is about giving up the idea that we should compare ourselves or compete with each other. It’s about saying, “We are one” - interconnected, rather than separate. It’s an act of love. It’s not possession. When we join, everyone remains free. And valued. We simply don’t have to share every opinion.
Our lives are complemented by others but not completed by them. For this we can be very thankful. It allows us to be who we are meant to be.
October 29 Detachment, when fully expressed, promises peacefulness.To be peaceful means not letting anyone else’s behavior control how we feel about them, about ourselves, about the moment, or about the situation at hand. In other words, being totally free of any external influence is the only thing that can guarantee sustainable peace. We do have that option; we seldom exercise it, however. Far more often we let the mood swings or actions of others determine our own moods and behaviors. What a refreshing idea to know that we have made that choice. It’s not required! We can make another choice. Detachment, fully expressed, may seem a bit extreme. But like the ever-so-common phrase “You can’t be a little bit pregnant,” you can’t be a little bit detached. We are either our own person or we are not. To be fully detached doesn’t mean ignoring the others on our path, nor does it mean being unkind. But it does mean we make our own decisions regardless of the opinions and plans of others. Peace is the gift that’s realized when we decide who we will be and then be it.*Isn’t peace what we all want? There is a guaranteed way to get it: detach. When others are in our circle, we make sure that we stay within our own choices. We do it lovingly so all will benefit.
October 30 Detachment is a gift that we receive from our relationships well lived. Having relationships doesn’t always ensure that we enjoy them. Many of us have experienced relationships that were ill-conceived from the start. Sometimes we go into a relationship simply because it was convenient or, as in my case, because it seemed better than being alone. But relationship that isn’t based on mutual values or on the willingness to respect our differences isn’t destined to fulfill our yearnings, not for long anyway.
There’s another element that contributes to a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial if the relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is the sum of more than the two parts. This is where the concept of detachment enters. Not being afraid to let our relationship partner live his or her life, trusting that their choices don’t have to mimic ours for us to be compatible, is a sign of strength and health. It’s also the necessary sign that we are trusting God to be in charge of the journey we each need to make.
*GOD never detaches from us. That’s the spiritual axiom that allows us to detach from all others with the faith that whomever we need to journey with will come to us.
OCT 31 Detachment from others is necessary to fully enjoy attachment to God. If our focus is obsessively on someone else, we simply cannot be present to the people & the lessons with them that God has planned for us. Our journey is quite intentional. And pay attention we must. Actually, that’s a relief, isn’t it? It means we don’t have to let the actions of others take over our minds. We don’t have to let their opinions, their outbursts, their sulking, or their silence define us in any way. Letting them be gives us the opportunity we need to connect to God with the fullness of our hearts. Learning to journey with others is the paramount lesson for many of us.
In our attachment to God we are helped to clearly understand the work we have been born to fulfill. Each one of us is unique and able to perform our specific tasks as no one else can. And in order for every task to b e completed, it takes every one of us to do our part. We can be supportive of one another. We should be, in fact. But we must let the completion of the details be handled by the person assigned to them.
*There is such joy in feeling attached to God. It means there is no fear. We will not doubt our worth. We will know that we have a purpose, and we will know how to fulfill it because God will supply all the information we need.
