CODEPENDENCYSeptember 1 Patience
Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and asquickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid. Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for. Relax and trust. Today, I will identify what I want and need; then, I'll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need
is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.
September 2 Detaching With Love With Children
It is one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents? We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for their material and physical needs. Our children need to be taught how to help themselves--from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love
and guidance. They need consistent enforcement of boundaries, once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values. But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do---if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age-appropriate level. We need only do our best. We can let our children have their own process of living; we can have our own process. And, we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom. Seek not to have control, but to own our power as people who are parents.
Today, God, help me find an appropriate balance of responsibility to my children. Help me parent through nurturing and discipline, instead of control.
September 3 Word Power
I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so. -----Anonymous.
Some of us are so vulnerable to words. A well-timed "I love you". A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused. There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivety. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us! We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it. We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk. We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us---even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.
Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the
words of those I care about.
September 4 Finding Direction
I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once
I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life. --------Anonymous
We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning. We can have direction and power in our lives by asking God to help us set goals.
We can set goals annually, monthly, or daily in times of crisis. Goals create direction and pace; goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves.
We can help give our lives direction by setting goals.
Today, I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life, rather than letting others control my life and affairs.
September 5 Step Ten Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. -----Step Ten
Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten. This Step incorporates the process we have gone through in Steps Four through Nine. We do not work this Step to
punish ourselves or to hold ourselves under a constantly critical and demeaning microscope. We do it to maintain self-esteem and harmony in our relationship with ourselves and others. We do it to stay on track. When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with at least one safe person
and God. Accept it. Become willing to let go of it. Ask God to take it from us. Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amends are called for---to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. Take an appropriate action to resolve the
matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame. This is a simple formula of taking care of ourselves. This is how we change. This is how we become changed. This is the
price for healing and health. This is the process for achieving self-responsibility and self-esteem. The next time we do something that bothers us, the next time we feel
off track or off course, we don't have to waste our time or energy feeling ashamed. We can take a Tenth Step. Let the process happen. And move on with our life.
God, help me make this Step and other Steps a habitual way of responding to life and my issues. Help me know that I am free to live, to allow myself to fully experiment with and experience life. If I get off course, or if an issue arises that demands my attention, help me deal with it by using the Tenth Step.
September 6 The Good in Step Ten
Step Ten says: "Continued to take personal inventory, when we were wrong promptly admitted it." It does not suggest that we ignore what is right in our life. It says we continue to take a personal inventory and keep a focus on ourselves. When we take an inventory, we will want to look for many things. We can search out feelings that need our attention. We can look for low self-esteem creeping back in. We can look for old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. We can look for mistakes that need correcting. But a critical part of our inventory can focus on what we're doing right and on all that is good around us. Part of our codependency is an obsessive focus on what's wrong and what we might be doing wrong---real or imagined. In recovery we're learning to focus on what's right. Look fearlessly, with a loving, positive eye. What did you do right today? Did you behave differently today than you would have a year ago? Did you reach out to someone and allow yourself to be vulnerable? You can compliment yourself for that. Did you have a bad day but deal effectively with it? Did you practice gratitude or acceptance? Did you take a risk, own your power, or set a boundary? Did you take responsibility for yourself in a way that you might not have before? Did you take time for prayer or meditation? Did you trust God? Did you let someone do something for you? Even on our worst day, we can find one thing we did right. We can find something to feel hopeful about. We can find something to look forward to. We can focus realistically on visions of what can be. God, help me let go of my need to stay immersed in negativity. I can change the energy in myself and my environment from negative to positive. I will affirm the good until it sinks in and feels real. I will also strive to find one quality that I like about someone else who's important to me, and I will take the risk of telling him or her that.
September 7 Powerless Over Others
Stop making excuses for other people.Stop making excuses for ourselves.While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves accountable for our own behavior and, at the same time, have
compassion and understanding for ourselves. When we claim powerlessness, we are not claiming irresponsibility. We have no power to control others, what they do, what they did, or what they might do.We're stating that we are willing to end an ineffective
life based on willpower and control. And we're beginning a spiritual, mental, and emotional journey in which we take responsibility for ourselves. We are not victims. We are not helpless. Accepting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will avoid making excuses for my own or someone else's behavior. I will let consequences and responsibility fall where they belong.
September 8 Stopping Our Pain
Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn. --Beyond Codependency There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us
recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood
to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we have no support and permission to deal with. There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too.
There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.
There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial. There is the pain that leads and guides us into better
choices for our future. We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We
may have experimented with different options. Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain---temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain. We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain. We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain. We may stay so busy that we don't have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain. We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band-Aids--- temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it. In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with God's help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move us forward---into a new decision, a better life. We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that's appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us. If we are being pelleted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behavior; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings. It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within. It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful feelings that are a good part of recovery. Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.
Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I
need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.
September 9 Perspective
Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time. That will make us crazy.
We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we've been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the large scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be. Perspective will come in retrospect. We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.
Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control. Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through with it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us to take its course. In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall
work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold in the large picture.
Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple
trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life---better than I can imagine.
September 10 Self-Approval
Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others. Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we're lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves. In order to live joyfully, to live consistently with the way God wants us to live, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval.
These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.
Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.
September 11 Conflict and Detachment
In a relationship, there are those wonderful times when things go smoothly for both people, and neither person needs to focus too heavily on the concept of detachment. But there are those challenging times when one person is in crisis or changing---and we need to detach. Then there are stressful cycles when both people in a relationship
are in the midst of dealing with intense issues. Both are needy and neither has anything to give. These are times when detachment and taking care of ourselves
are difficult. It is helpful, in these moments, to identify the problem. Both people are in the midst of dealing and healing. Neither has much to give, at least at the moment. And both are feeling particularly needy. That is the problem. What is the solution?
There may not be a perfect solution. Detachment is still the key, but that can be difficult when we need support ourselves. In fact, the other person may be asking for support rather than offering it. We can still work toward detachment. We can still work
through our feelings. We can accept this as a temporary cycle in the relationship, and stop looking to the other person for something he or she cannot give at the moment.
We can stop expecting ourselves to give at the moment as well. Communication helps. Identifying the problem and talking about it without blame or shame is a start. Figuring out alternative support systems, or ways to get our needs met helps. We are still responsible for taking care of ourselves--even when we are in the best of relationships. We can reasonably expect conflicts of needs and the clashing of issues
to occur in the most loving, healthy relationships. It is one of the cycles of life, friendship, and family. If it is a healthy relationship, the crisis will not go on endlessly.
We will regain our balance. The other person will too. We can stop making ourselves so crazy by looking for the other person to be balanced when he or she isn't. Talk things out. Work things out. Keep our expectations of ourselves, other people, and our relationships healthy and reasonable. A good relationship will be able to sustain and survive low points. Sometimes we need them so we can both grow and learn separately. Sometimes, people who are usually there for us cannot be there for us. We can find another way to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will remember that my best relationships have low points. If the low point is the norm, I may want to consider the desirability of the relationship. If the low point is a temporary cycle, I will practice understanding for myself and the other person. God, help me remember that the help and support I want and need does not come in the form of only one person. Help me be open to healthy options for taking care of myself, if my normal support system is not available.
September 12 Healing
We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity.......We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way....to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.
Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process.and a spiritual process----a journey rather than a destination. Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is progressive,so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things---as well as us---get better. We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.
Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken.
September 13 Times of Reprogramming
Recovery is not all tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times
when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem. There are the times when what we've been practicing in recovery begins to show in our life. These times of change are intense, but purposeful. There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being "reprogrammed." We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors. We may feel frightened or confused during these times. Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable and familiar. During these times we may feel vulnerable, lonely, and needy---like we are on a journey without a road map or a flashlight, and we feel as if no one has traveled this ground before. We may not understand what is being worked out in us. We may not know where or if we are being led. We are being led. We are not alone. God is working His finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone
who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. Recovery is a healing process. We can trust it, even when we don't understand it. We are right where we need to be in this process; we're going through exactly what we need
to experience. And where we're going is better than any place we've been.
Today, God, help me believe that the changes I'm going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I'm traveling will lead to a place of light, love, and joy.
September 14 What's Good for Me?
When we are soul-searching, be it for the smaller or larger decisions we face during the day, we can learn to ask, is this good for me?...... Is this what I really want?.....Is this what I need?.....Does this direction feel right for me?.....Or am I succumbing to the control and influence that I sometimes allow others to have over me? It is not unhealthy selfishness to question if something is good for us. That is an old way of thinking. To ask if something is good for us is a healthy behavior, not to be ashamed of, and will probably work out in the other person's best interests too. We shall not wander down a selfish path of self-indulgence by asking if a thing is good for us. We shall not stray from God's intended plan, God's highest good, by asking if a thing is good for us. By asking ourselves this simple question, we participate in directing our life toward the
highest good and purpose; we own our power to hold ourselves in self-esteem. Today, I will begin acting in my best interests. I will do this with the understanding that, on occasion, my choices will not please everyone around me. I will do this with the
understanding that asking if a thing is good for me will ultimately help me take true responsibility for my life and my choices.
September 15 Getting Through Hard Times
We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way. And only we and God can determine the timing.---------Codependent No More
Hard times, stressful times, are not all there is to life, but they are part of life, growth, and moving forward. What we do with hard times, or hard energy, is our choice.
We can use the energy of hard times to work out, and work through, our issues. We can use it to fine-tune our skills and our spirituality. Or we can go through these situations suffering, storing up bitterness, and refusing to grow or change. Hard times can motivate and mold us to bring out our best. We can use these times to move forward and upward to higher levels of living, loving, and growth. The choice is ours. Will we let ourselves feel? Will we take a spiritual approach, including gratitude, toward the event? Will we question life and God by asking what we're supposed to be learning and doing? Or will we use the incident to prove old, negative beliefs? Will we say, "Nothing good ever happens to me.....I'm just a victim......People can't be trusted......Life is not worth living." We do not always require hard energy, or stress, to motivate us to grow and change. We do not have to create stress, seek it, or attract it. But if it is there, we can learn to channel it into growth and use it for achieving what is good in life.
September 16 Revenge
No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, to get even, with another person. We want revenge. We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out. Those are normal feelings, but we don't have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice. We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings---the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings and be finished with them. We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back. Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact. Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness--not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path. Today, I will release my hurt and anger and I will strive for
healthy forgiveness--forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.
September 17 New Relationship Behaviors
We talk a lot about new relationship behaviors in recovery; allowing others to be themselves without overreacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on self-responsibility, and not setting ourselves up to be victims by focusing on the other person while neglecting ourselves. We talk about having and setting healthy boundaries, talking directly, and taking responsibility for what we want and need.
While these behaviors certainly help us deal with addicted people, these are not behaviors intended only for use in what we call "dysfunctional relationships." These behaviors are our new relationship behaviors. They help us in stressful relationships. They can help us get through times of stress in healthy relationships. The recovery behaviors we are learning are tools---healthy relationships skills---that help us improve the quality of all our relationships. Recovery means self-care---learning to take care of ourselves and love ourselves---with people. The healthier we become, the healthier our relationships will become. And we'll never outgrow our need for healthy behaviors.
Today, I will remember to apply my recovery behaviors in all my relationships----with friends and co-workers, as well as in any special love relationships. I will work hard at taking care of myself in the troublesome relationships, figuring out which skill might best apply. I will also consider ways that my healthy relationships might benefit from my new relationship skills.
September 18 Letting the Good Stuff Happen
Before recovery, my relationships were lousy. I didn't do very well on my job. I was enmeshed in my dysfunctional family. But at least I knew what to expect! I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes I'm afraid it won't be. Sometimes, I'm frightened it might be. The good stuff can scare us. Change, even good change, can be more frightening than the hard times. The past, particularly before recovery, may have become uncomfortably familiar. We knew what to expect in our relationships. They were predictable. They were repeats of the same pattern---the same behaviors, the same pain, over and over again. They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen. This is not so when we change patterns and begin recovering. We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life. Relationships would be painful. We'd be deprived. Each year would be almost a repeat of the last. Sometimes it got a little worse, sometimes a little better, but the change wasn't drastic. Not until the moment when we began recovery. Then things changed. And the further we progress in this miraculous program, the more we and our circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory. Things get good. They do get better all the time. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates. We no longer want to be a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma. Life gets good. "How do I handle the good stuff?" asked one woman. "It's harder and more foreign than the pain and tragedy." "The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences," I replied. "One day at a time." Today, God, help me let go of my need to be in pain and crisis. Help me move as swiftly as possible through sad feelings and problems. Help me find my base and balance in peace, joy, and gratitude. Help me work as hard at accepting what is good as I have worked in the past at accepting the painful and the difficult.
September 19 Apologies
Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That's human. That's why we have the words: "I'm sorry." They heal and bridge the gaps. But we don't have to say "I'm sorry" if we didn't do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for everything we do, every word we say, for being alive and being who we are. We don't have to apologize for taking care of ourselves, dealing with feelings, setting boundaries, having fun, or getting healthy. We never have to change our course, if it is in our best interest, but sometimes a general apology acknowledges other feelings and can be useful when the issues of a circumstance or relationship are not clear. We might say: "I'm sorry for the fuss we had. I'm sorry if what I needed to do to take care of myself hurt you; it was not intended that way." Once we make an apology, we don't have to keep repeating it. If someone wants to keep on extricating an apology from us for the same incident, that is the person's issue, and we don't have to get hooked. We can learn to take our apologies seriously and not hand them out when they're not valid. When we feel good about ourselves, we know when it's time to say we're sorry and when it is not.
Today I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my actions and nobody else's. God, help me figure out what I need to apologize for and what is not my responsibility.
September 20 Spontaneity
In recovery, we are learning to let ourselves go! We're learning to be spontaneous.
Spontaneity may frighten some of us. We may be afraid of the loss of control involved with spontaneity. We may still be operating under the codependent rules that prohibit spontaneity: be good; be right; be perfect; be strong; don't have fun; and always be in control. We may associate spontaneity with acting out in an addictive, compulsive, self-destructive, or irresponsible manner. That's not what we're talking about in recovery. Positive spontaneity involves freely expressing who we are--in a way that is fun, healthy, does not hurt us, and does not infringe on the rights of others. We learn to be spontaneous and free as we grow in self-awareness and self-esteem. Spontaneity emerges as our confidence and trust in ourselves increases, and we become more secure in our ability to maintain healthy boundaries. Being spontaneous is connected to our ability to play and to achieve intimacy. For all those desirable acts, we need to be able to let go of our need to control ourselves and others, and fully and freely enter into the present moment. Let go of our tight rein on yourself. So what if you make a mistake? So what if you're wrong? Relish your imperfections. Let yourself be a little needy, a little vulnerable. Take a risk! We can be spontaneous without hurting ourselves, or others. In fact, everyone will benefit by our spontaneity. Today, I will throw out the rule book and enjoy being who I am. I will have some fun with the gift of life, myself, and others.
September 21 Letting Go of Urgency
One thing at a time. That is all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace. One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time. One pleasure at a time. Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now. Take one thing at a time. See how everything works out?
Today, I will peacefully approach one thing at a time. When in doubt, I will take first things first.
September 22 Trusting Ourselves
Many of us believed that heeding the word of God meant following rigid rules. Many of us now believe differently. The rigid rules, the endless instructions, the exhortation to perfection, are not the words God whispers. The words of God are often those still, small words we call intuition or instinct, leading, and guiding us forward. We are free to be who we are, to listen to and trust ourselves. We are free to listen to the gentle, loving words of God, words whispered to and through each of us. Today, help me, God, to let go of shame-based rigid rules. I will choose the freedom of living, listening, and trusting.
September 23 Tolerance
Practice tolerance.Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, our struggling and sometimes awkward nature. Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, be vulnerable. Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress---a few steps forward, and a couple back. Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God and occasionally get stuck. Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.
Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do we'll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further. Learn that all the humanness we're tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.
Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.
September 24 Allowing Ourselves To Be Needy
We can accept ourselves as people who have needs—the need for comfort, love, understanding, friendship, healthy touch. We need positive reinforcements, someone to listen to us, someone to give to us. We are not weak for needing these things. These needs make us human and healthy. Getting our needs met---believing we deserve to have them met---makes us happy.
There are times, too, when in addition to our regular needs, we become particularly needy. At these times, we need more than we have to give out. That is okay too.
We can accept and incorporate our needs, and our needy side, into the whole of us. We can take responsibility for our needs. That does not make us weak or deficient. It does not mean we are not properly recovering, nor does it mean we are being dependent in an unhealthy way. It makes our needs, and our needy side, manageable. Our needs stop controlling us, and we gain control. And, our needs begin to get met.
Today, I will accept my needs and my needy side. I believe I deserve to get my needs met and I will allow that to happen.
September 25 Peace With The Past
Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denials, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy—energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow. "I used to live in my past," said one recovering woman. "I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both. "I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Thing I had done, things other had done to me---even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go. "I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it. My past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow. I've been recovering now for years, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger. "I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule, and truly all is okay. I've learned to stop regretting, and to start being grateful. "When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I have learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that God was in control, even then. "I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I am able to see how the worst things helped form my character and develop some of my finer points. I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today. "What I've learned has been acceptance---without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I've even had to learn to accept the years I spend feeling guilty, angry, ashamed, and blaming." We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it, and by accepting it with love for ourselves and others. I know, because that woman is me.
Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power now. To accept, heal, and learn from it.
September 26 Feeling Protected
Our task is not a naive one of feeling safe, of living and loving in a Utopian world. One woman commented that our task is making ourselves feel safe while learning to live and love in a world that is unsafe. We do not want to dwell on the danger, for that gives power to the negative. Neither do we want to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist.
If we were going to sunbathe, we would not be naive about the danger from the sun. We know that harmful rays can burn. We would take step to protect ourselves, so that we could enjoy the benefits of the sun. That is our task in recovery. This is what a woman, a helping professional, told me: Picture a sunscreen surrounding you. Place it around yourself----not too heavy and thick so no light can penetrate, and not so thin that you are exposed to danger. See yourself protected by a sunscreen that is effective. Make certain that the screen is open to the good. For a while, your screen was too heavy. It held back what you wanted. Now change it to let the good come through. Go in peace; go in safety; go, now, knowing you are protected. Go anywhere you need to go. You can relax and enjoy life, trusting that you are safe. Go without fear.
September 27 Temporary Setbacks.
Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate. This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not for long. Keep working at recovery, and the trend will reverse. Before too long, things, and us, will be better than they were before. This time, the foundation will be solid. God, help me trust You even when I have setbacks. Help me remember that the problems are temporary, and when they are solved, I will be on more solid ground.
September 28 Prayer
Here are some of my favorite prayers: Help. Please. Don't. Show me. Guide me. Change me. Are you there? Why did you do that? Oh. Thank you. Today, I will tell God what I want to tell Him and listen for His answer. I will remember that I can trust Him.
September 29 The Importance of Money
We cannot afford to allow our focus in life to be money. That will not lead us into the abundance we're seeking. Usually, it will not even lead to financial stability. Money is important. We deserve to be paid what we're worth. We will be paid what we're worth when we believe we deserve to be. But often our plans fail when our primary consideration is money. What do we really want to do? What do we feel led to do? What are our instincts telling us? What do we feel guided to do? What are we excited about doing? Seek to find a way to do that, without worrying about the money.
Consider the financial aspects. Set boundaries about what you need to be paid. Be reasonable. Expect to start at the bottom, and work up. But if you feel led toward a job, go for it. Is there something we truly don't want to do, something that goes against our grain, but we are trying to force ourselves into it "for the money"? Usually, that's a behavior that backfires. It doesn't work. We make ourselves miserable, and the money usually goes wrong too. I have learned that when I am true to myself about work and what I need to be doing, the money will follow. Sometimes it's not as much as I want; sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised, and it's more. But I'm content, and I have enough. Money is a consideration, but it cannot be our primary consideration if we are seeking spiritual security and peace of mind. Today, I will make money a consideration, but I will not allow it to become my primary consideration. God, help me be true to myself and trust that the money will follow.
September 30 You Are Not a Victim
You are not a victim. How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization. Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us! Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn't run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. You've got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we've had such hard times........Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork.......I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances. Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows. Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind. We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re-created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims. We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations. We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility. Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim
responsibility for yourself! And learn to enjoy what is good.Today, I will refuse to think, talk, speak, or act like a victim. Instead, I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what is good and right in my life.
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Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and asquickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid. Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for. Relax and trust. Today, I will identify what I want and need; then, I'll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need
is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.
September 2 Detaching With Love With Children
It is one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents? We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for their material and physical needs. Our children need to be taught how to help themselves--from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love
and guidance. They need consistent enforcement of boundaries, once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values. But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do---if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age-appropriate level. We need only do our best. We can let our children have their own process of living; we can have our own process. And, we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom. Seek not to have control, but to own our power as people who are parents.
Today, God, help me find an appropriate balance of responsibility to my children. Help me parent through nurturing and discipline, instead of control.
September 3 Word Power
I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so. -----Anonymous.
Some of us are so vulnerable to words. A well-timed "I love you". A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused. There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivety. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us! We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it. We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk. We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us---even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.
Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the
words of those I care about.
September 4 Finding Direction
I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once
I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life. --------Anonymous
We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning. We can have direction and power in our lives by asking God to help us set goals.
We can set goals annually, monthly, or daily in times of crisis. Goals create direction and pace; goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves.
We can help give our lives direction by setting goals.
Today, I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life, rather than letting others control my life and affairs.
September 5 Step Ten Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. -----Step Ten
Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten. This Step incorporates the process we have gone through in Steps Four through Nine. We do not work this Step to
punish ourselves or to hold ourselves under a constantly critical and demeaning microscope. We do it to maintain self-esteem and harmony in our relationship with ourselves and others. We do it to stay on track. When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with at least one safe person
and God. Accept it. Become willing to let go of it. Ask God to take it from us. Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amends are called for---to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. Take an appropriate action to resolve the
matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame. This is a simple formula of taking care of ourselves. This is how we change. This is how we become changed. This is the
price for healing and health. This is the process for achieving self-responsibility and self-esteem. The next time we do something that bothers us, the next time we feel
off track or off course, we don't have to waste our time or energy feeling ashamed. We can take a Tenth Step. Let the process happen. And move on with our life.
God, help me make this Step and other Steps a habitual way of responding to life and my issues. Help me know that I am free to live, to allow myself to fully experiment with and experience life. If I get off course, or if an issue arises that demands my attention, help me deal with it by using the Tenth Step.
September 6 The Good in Step Ten
Step Ten says: "Continued to take personal inventory, when we were wrong promptly admitted it." It does not suggest that we ignore what is right in our life. It says we continue to take a personal inventory and keep a focus on ourselves. When we take an inventory, we will want to look for many things. We can search out feelings that need our attention. We can look for low self-esteem creeping back in. We can look for old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. We can look for mistakes that need correcting. But a critical part of our inventory can focus on what we're doing right and on all that is good around us. Part of our codependency is an obsessive focus on what's wrong and what we might be doing wrong---real or imagined. In recovery we're learning to focus on what's right. Look fearlessly, with a loving, positive eye. What did you do right today? Did you behave differently today than you would have a year ago? Did you reach out to someone and allow yourself to be vulnerable? You can compliment yourself for that. Did you have a bad day but deal effectively with it? Did you practice gratitude or acceptance? Did you take a risk, own your power, or set a boundary? Did you take responsibility for yourself in a way that you might not have before? Did you take time for prayer or meditation? Did you trust God? Did you let someone do something for you? Even on our worst day, we can find one thing we did right. We can find something to feel hopeful about. We can find something to look forward to. We can focus realistically on visions of what can be. God, help me let go of my need to stay immersed in negativity. I can change the energy in myself and my environment from negative to positive. I will affirm the good until it sinks in and feels real. I will also strive to find one quality that I like about someone else who's important to me, and I will take the risk of telling him or her that.
September 7 Powerless Over Others
Stop making excuses for other people.Stop making excuses for ourselves.While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves accountable for our own behavior and, at the same time, have
compassion and understanding for ourselves. When we claim powerlessness, we are not claiming irresponsibility. We have no power to control others, what they do, what they did, or what they might do.We're stating that we are willing to end an ineffective
life based on willpower and control. And we're beginning a spiritual, mental, and emotional journey in which we take responsibility for ourselves. We are not victims. We are not helpless. Accepting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will avoid making excuses for my own or someone else's behavior. I will let consequences and responsibility fall where they belong.
September 8 Stopping Our Pain
Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn. --Beyond Codependency There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us
recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood
to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we have no support and permission to deal with. There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too.
There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.
There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial. There is the pain that leads and guides us into better
choices for our future. We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We
may have experimented with different options. Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain---temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain. We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain. We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain. We may stay so busy that we don't have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain. We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band-Aids--- temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it. In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with God's help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move us forward---into a new decision, a better life. We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that's appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us. If we are being pelleted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behavior; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings. It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within. It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful feelings that are a good part of recovery. Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.
Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I
need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.
September 9 Perspective
Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time. That will make us crazy.
We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we've been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the large scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be. Perspective will come in retrospect. We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.
Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control. Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through with it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us to take its course. In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall
work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold in the large picture.
Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple
trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life---better than I can imagine.
September 10 Self-Approval
Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others. Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we're lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves. In order to live joyfully, to live consistently with the way God wants us to live, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval.
These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.
Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.
September 11 Conflict and Detachment
In a relationship, there are those wonderful times when things go smoothly for both people, and neither person needs to focus too heavily on the concept of detachment. But there are those challenging times when one person is in crisis or changing---and we need to detach. Then there are stressful cycles when both people in a relationship
are in the midst of dealing with intense issues. Both are needy and neither has anything to give. These are times when detachment and taking care of ourselves
are difficult. It is helpful, in these moments, to identify the problem. Both people are in the midst of dealing and healing. Neither has much to give, at least at the moment. And both are feeling particularly needy. That is the problem. What is the solution?
There may not be a perfect solution. Detachment is still the key, but that can be difficult when we need support ourselves. In fact, the other person may be asking for support rather than offering it. We can still work toward detachment. We can still work
through our feelings. We can accept this as a temporary cycle in the relationship, and stop looking to the other person for something he or she cannot give at the moment.
We can stop expecting ourselves to give at the moment as well. Communication helps. Identifying the problem and talking about it without blame or shame is a start. Figuring out alternative support systems, or ways to get our needs met helps. We are still responsible for taking care of ourselves--even when we are in the best of relationships. We can reasonably expect conflicts of needs and the clashing of issues
to occur in the most loving, healthy relationships. It is one of the cycles of life, friendship, and family. If it is a healthy relationship, the crisis will not go on endlessly.
We will regain our balance. The other person will too. We can stop making ourselves so crazy by looking for the other person to be balanced when he or she isn't. Talk things out. Work things out. Keep our expectations of ourselves, other people, and our relationships healthy and reasonable. A good relationship will be able to sustain and survive low points. Sometimes we need them so we can both grow and learn separately. Sometimes, people who are usually there for us cannot be there for us. We can find another way to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will remember that my best relationships have low points. If the low point is the norm, I may want to consider the desirability of the relationship. If the low point is a temporary cycle, I will practice understanding for myself and the other person. God, help me remember that the help and support I want and need does not come in the form of only one person. Help me be open to healthy options for taking care of myself, if my normal support system is not available.
September 12 Healing
We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity.......We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way....to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.
Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process.and a spiritual process----a journey rather than a destination. Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is progressive,so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things---as well as us---get better. We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.
Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken.
September 13 Times of Reprogramming
Recovery is not all tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times
when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem. There are the times when what we've been practicing in recovery begins to show in our life. These times of change are intense, but purposeful. There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being "reprogrammed." We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors. We may feel frightened or confused during these times. Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable and familiar. During these times we may feel vulnerable, lonely, and needy---like we are on a journey without a road map or a flashlight, and we feel as if no one has traveled this ground before. We may not understand what is being worked out in us. We may not know where or if we are being led. We are being led. We are not alone. God is working His finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone
who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. Recovery is a healing process. We can trust it, even when we don't understand it. We are right where we need to be in this process; we're going through exactly what we need
to experience. And where we're going is better than any place we've been.
Today, God, help me believe that the changes I'm going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I'm traveling will lead to a place of light, love, and joy.
September 14 What's Good for Me?
When we are soul-searching, be it for the smaller or larger decisions we face during the day, we can learn to ask, is this good for me?...... Is this what I really want?.....Is this what I need?.....Does this direction feel right for me?.....Or am I succumbing to the control and influence that I sometimes allow others to have over me? It is not unhealthy selfishness to question if something is good for us. That is an old way of thinking. To ask if something is good for us is a healthy behavior, not to be ashamed of, and will probably work out in the other person's best interests too. We shall not wander down a selfish path of self-indulgence by asking if a thing is good for us. We shall not stray from God's intended plan, God's highest good, by asking if a thing is good for us. By asking ourselves this simple question, we participate in directing our life toward the
highest good and purpose; we own our power to hold ourselves in self-esteem. Today, I will begin acting in my best interests. I will do this with the understanding that, on occasion, my choices will not please everyone around me. I will do this with the
understanding that asking if a thing is good for me will ultimately help me take true responsibility for my life and my choices.
September 15 Getting Through Hard Times
We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way. And only we and God can determine the timing.---------Codependent No More
Hard times, stressful times, are not all there is to life, but they are part of life, growth, and moving forward. What we do with hard times, or hard energy, is our choice.
We can use the energy of hard times to work out, and work through, our issues. We can use it to fine-tune our skills and our spirituality. Or we can go through these situations suffering, storing up bitterness, and refusing to grow or change. Hard times can motivate and mold us to bring out our best. We can use these times to move forward and upward to higher levels of living, loving, and growth. The choice is ours. Will we let ourselves feel? Will we take a spiritual approach, including gratitude, toward the event? Will we question life and God by asking what we're supposed to be learning and doing? Or will we use the incident to prove old, negative beliefs? Will we say, "Nothing good ever happens to me.....I'm just a victim......People can't be trusted......Life is not worth living." We do not always require hard energy, or stress, to motivate us to grow and change. We do not have to create stress, seek it, or attract it. But if it is there, we can learn to channel it into growth and use it for achieving what is good in life.
September 16 Revenge
No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, to get even, with another person. We want revenge. We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out. Those are normal feelings, but we don't have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice. We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings---the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings and be finished with them. We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back. Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact. Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness--not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path. Today, I will release my hurt and anger and I will strive for
healthy forgiveness--forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.
September 17 New Relationship Behaviors
We talk a lot about new relationship behaviors in recovery; allowing others to be themselves without overreacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on self-responsibility, and not setting ourselves up to be victims by focusing on the other person while neglecting ourselves. We talk about having and setting healthy boundaries, talking directly, and taking responsibility for what we want and need.
While these behaviors certainly help us deal with addicted people, these are not behaviors intended only for use in what we call "dysfunctional relationships." These behaviors are our new relationship behaviors. They help us in stressful relationships. They can help us get through times of stress in healthy relationships. The recovery behaviors we are learning are tools---healthy relationships skills---that help us improve the quality of all our relationships. Recovery means self-care---learning to take care of ourselves and love ourselves---with people. The healthier we become, the healthier our relationships will become. And we'll never outgrow our need for healthy behaviors.
Today, I will remember to apply my recovery behaviors in all my relationships----with friends and co-workers, as well as in any special love relationships. I will work hard at taking care of myself in the troublesome relationships, figuring out which skill might best apply. I will also consider ways that my healthy relationships might benefit from my new relationship skills.
September 18 Letting the Good Stuff Happen
Before recovery, my relationships were lousy. I didn't do very well on my job. I was enmeshed in my dysfunctional family. But at least I knew what to expect! I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes I'm afraid it won't be. Sometimes, I'm frightened it might be. The good stuff can scare us. Change, even good change, can be more frightening than the hard times. The past, particularly before recovery, may have become uncomfortably familiar. We knew what to expect in our relationships. They were predictable. They were repeats of the same pattern---the same behaviors, the same pain, over and over again. They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen. This is not so when we change patterns and begin recovering. We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life. Relationships would be painful. We'd be deprived. Each year would be almost a repeat of the last. Sometimes it got a little worse, sometimes a little better, but the change wasn't drastic. Not until the moment when we began recovery. Then things changed. And the further we progress in this miraculous program, the more we and our circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory. Things get good. They do get better all the time. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates. We no longer want to be a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma. Life gets good. "How do I handle the good stuff?" asked one woman. "It's harder and more foreign than the pain and tragedy." "The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences," I replied. "One day at a time." Today, God, help me let go of my need to be in pain and crisis. Help me move as swiftly as possible through sad feelings and problems. Help me find my base and balance in peace, joy, and gratitude. Help me work as hard at accepting what is good as I have worked in the past at accepting the painful and the difficult.
September 19 Apologies
Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That's human. That's why we have the words: "I'm sorry." They heal and bridge the gaps. But we don't have to say "I'm sorry" if we didn't do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for everything we do, every word we say, for being alive and being who we are. We don't have to apologize for taking care of ourselves, dealing with feelings, setting boundaries, having fun, or getting healthy. We never have to change our course, if it is in our best interest, but sometimes a general apology acknowledges other feelings and can be useful when the issues of a circumstance or relationship are not clear. We might say: "I'm sorry for the fuss we had. I'm sorry if what I needed to do to take care of myself hurt you; it was not intended that way." Once we make an apology, we don't have to keep repeating it. If someone wants to keep on extricating an apology from us for the same incident, that is the person's issue, and we don't have to get hooked. We can learn to take our apologies seriously and not hand them out when they're not valid. When we feel good about ourselves, we know when it's time to say we're sorry and when it is not.
Today I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my actions and nobody else's. God, help me figure out what I need to apologize for and what is not my responsibility.
September 20 Spontaneity
In recovery, we are learning to let ourselves go! We're learning to be spontaneous.
Spontaneity may frighten some of us. We may be afraid of the loss of control involved with spontaneity. We may still be operating under the codependent rules that prohibit spontaneity: be good; be right; be perfect; be strong; don't have fun; and always be in control. We may associate spontaneity with acting out in an addictive, compulsive, self-destructive, or irresponsible manner. That's not what we're talking about in recovery. Positive spontaneity involves freely expressing who we are--in a way that is fun, healthy, does not hurt us, and does not infringe on the rights of others. We learn to be spontaneous and free as we grow in self-awareness and self-esteem. Spontaneity emerges as our confidence and trust in ourselves increases, and we become more secure in our ability to maintain healthy boundaries. Being spontaneous is connected to our ability to play and to achieve intimacy. For all those desirable acts, we need to be able to let go of our need to control ourselves and others, and fully and freely enter into the present moment. Let go of our tight rein on yourself. So what if you make a mistake? So what if you're wrong? Relish your imperfections. Let yourself be a little needy, a little vulnerable. Take a risk! We can be spontaneous without hurting ourselves, or others. In fact, everyone will benefit by our spontaneity. Today, I will throw out the rule book and enjoy being who I am. I will have some fun with the gift of life, myself, and others.
September 21 Letting Go of Urgency
One thing at a time. That is all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace. One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time. One pleasure at a time. Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now. Take one thing at a time. See how everything works out?
Today, I will peacefully approach one thing at a time. When in doubt, I will take first things first.
September 22 Trusting Ourselves
Many of us believed that heeding the word of God meant following rigid rules. Many of us now believe differently. The rigid rules, the endless instructions, the exhortation to perfection, are not the words God whispers. The words of God are often those still, small words we call intuition or instinct, leading, and guiding us forward. We are free to be who we are, to listen to and trust ourselves. We are free to listen to the gentle, loving words of God, words whispered to and through each of us. Today, help me, God, to let go of shame-based rigid rules. I will choose the freedom of living, listening, and trusting.
September 23 Tolerance
Practice tolerance.Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, our struggling and sometimes awkward nature. Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, be vulnerable. Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress---a few steps forward, and a couple back. Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God and occasionally get stuck. Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.
Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do we'll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further. Learn that all the humanness we're tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.
Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.
September 24 Allowing Ourselves To Be Needy
We can accept ourselves as people who have needs—the need for comfort, love, understanding, friendship, healthy touch. We need positive reinforcements, someone to listen to us, someone to give to us. We are not weak for needing these things. These needs make us human and healthy. Getting our needs met---believing we deserve to have them met---makes us happy.
There are times, too, when in addition to our regular needs, we become particularly needy. At these times, we need more than we have to give out. That is okay too.
We can accept and incorporate our needs, and our needy side, into the whole of us. We can take responsibility for our needs. That does not make us weak or deficient. It does not mean we are not properly recovering, nor does it mean we are being dependent in an unhealthy way. It makes our needs, and our needy side, manageable. Our needs stop controlling us, and we gain control. And, our needs begin to get met.
Today, I will accept my needs and my needy side. I believe I deserve to get my needs met and I will allow that to happen.
September 25 Peace With The Past
Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denials, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy—energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow. "I used to live in my past," said one recovering woman. "I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both. "I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Thing I had done, things other had done to me---even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go. "I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it. My past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow. I've been recovering now for years, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger. "I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule, and truly all is okay. I've learned to stop regretting, and to start being grateful. "When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I have learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that God was in control, even then. "I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I am able to see how the worst things helped form my character and develop some of my finer points. I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today. "What I've learned has been acceptance---without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I've even had to learn to accept the years I spend feeling guilty, angry, ashamed, and blaming." We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it, and by accepting it with love for ourselves and others. I know, because that woman is me.
Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power now. To accept, heal, and learn from it.
September 26 Feeling Protected
Our task is not a naive one of feeling safe, of living and loving in a Utopian world. One woman commented that our task is making ourselves feel safe while learning to live and love in a world that is unsafe. We do not want to dwell on the danger, for that gives power to the negative. Neither do we want to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist.
If we were going to sunbathe, we would not be naive about the danger from the sun. We know that harmful rays can burn. We would take step to protect ourselves, so that we could enjoy the benefits of the sun. That is our task in recovery. This is what a woman, a helping professional, told me: Picture a sunscreen surrounding you. Place it around yourself----not too heavy and thick so no light can penetrate, and not so thin that you are exposed to danger. See yourself protected by a sunscreen that is effective. Make certain that the screen is open to the good. For a while, your screen was too heavy. It held back what you wanted. Now change it to let the good come through. Go in peace; go in safety; go, now, knowing you are protected. Go anywhere you need to go. You can relax and enjoy life, trusting that you are safe. Go without fear.
September 27 Temporary Setbacks.
Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate. This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not for long. Keep working at recovery, and the trend will reverse. Before too long, things, and us, will be better than they were before. This time, the foundation will be solid. God, help me trust You even when I have setbacks. Help me remember that the problems are temporary, and when they are solved, I will be on more solid ground.
September 28 Prayer
Here are some of my favorite prayers: Help. Please. Don't. Show me. Guide me. Change me. Are you there? Why did you do that? Oh. Thank you. Today, I will tell God what I want to tell Him and listen for His answer. I will remember that I can trust Him.
September 29 The Importance of Money
We cannot afford to allow our focus in life to be money. That will not lead us into the abundance we're seeking. Usually, it will not even lead to financial stability. Money is important. We deserve to be paid what we're worth. We will be paid what we're worth when we believe we deserve to be. But often our plans fail when our primary consideration is money. What do we really want to do? What do we feel led to do? What are our instincts telling us? What do we feel guided to do? What are we excited about doing? Seek to find a way to do that, without worrying about the money.
Consider the financial aspects. Set boundaries about what you need to be paid. Be reasonable. Expect to start at the bottom, and work up. But if you feel led toward a job, go for it. Is there something we truly don't want to do, something that goes against our grain, but we are trying to force ourselves into it "for the money"? Usually, that's a behavior that backfires. It doesn't work. We make ourselves miserable, and the money usually goes wrong too. I have learned that when I am true to myself about work and what I need to be doing, the money will follow. Sometimes it's not as much as I want; sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised, and it's more. But I'm content, and I have enough. Money is a consideration, but it cannot be our primary consideration if we are seeking spiritual security and peace of mind. Today, I will make money a consideration, but I will not allow it to become my primary consideration. God, help me be true to myself and trust that the money will follow.
September 30 You Are Not a Victim
You are not a victim. How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization. Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us! Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn't run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. You've got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we've had such hard times........Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork.......I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances. Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows. Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind. We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re-created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims. We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations. We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility. Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim
responsibility for yourself! And learn to enjoy what is good.Today, I will refuse to think, talk, speak, or act like a victim. Instead, I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what is good and right in my life.
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