DETACHMENT
SEPT 1...................20 Detachment is not acquiescence.
Detachment is far more analogous to unconditional love than to acquiescence. It means letting our loved ones make their own choices, and that doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, we care so much about them that we know they must travel their own path, rather than ours. Detachment might well be considered one of the most loving of all responses to those who travel with us. While it’s true, as I have written elsewhere, that we travel intentionally with specific people, we do it in concert as learning partners, not as mirrors of one another.
Detachment is a gift to each of us, really. Whether we are detaching from others or they from us, it’s a show of respect every time. To not allow others……..or to not be allowed………to make personal choices limits our growth. Our time here is purposeful. If we steer others in a direction that’s not right for them now, time is wasted, lessons are postponed, and opportunities are missed. They will come again, of course, but not letting them pass us by the first time they visit does mean we are certain to fulfill our purpose in a timely fashion.
Part of our purpose is to care. It’s not to do for others what they
should do for themselves, however. There is a time for helping one another and a time for detaching. Let’s not confuse them.
SEPT 2................021 Detachment is disengagement, nothing more.
Detachment is a loving act and quite often a very difficult one. Usually we have to consciously make the decision to let someone else chart their own course and thus define their own life. We mistakenly think that since we are traveling together, we should be able to influence the direction a friend or lover takes, but that’s not the case. Possibly, our opinion will be sought, and in some cases adhered to, but there are no guarantees. We travel side by side because of the lessons we share, and one of the lessons we all have to learn, it seems, is that we cannot control the actions, the opinions, or the decisions anyone else makes.
Initially, this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. Our security feels tied to the choices our loved ones make. Are they going to leave us out of their plans, abandon us perhaps? As we grow in wisdom, however, we realize how very fortunate we are that what others do is not up to us, nor does it define us. Living one life, ours, is enough to handle. Only after experiencing the freedom to letting others be free can we truly understand the gift of detachment.
To be disengaged from what others are choosing to do will give me extra time to do what I need to do today. That’s the primary lesson I am here to learn. I know it and believe it. I will practice it today.
SEPT 3.................022 Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer.
For probably the first forty years of my life, I let what others said or did control how I felt. If they smiled, I felt appreciated and worthy. If they frowned or ignored me or spoke harshly, I felt worthless and feared abandonment. How pathetic really. I actually didn’t know there was any other way to respond to the people or the situations in my life. They defined me, with my permission. I was their victim, but I had volunteered for the position. But then in 1974, I was introduced to Al-Anon, and that’s where my life began to change.
Certainly not every one needs Al-Anon to grasp the wisdom that I have come to appreciate in the rooms of recovery. But it is where I learned that the behavior of others has nothing to do with me. It defines them. It reveals how they feel about themselves. When others are not kind, it’s because they are suffering in some way. I have also learned that the best response for me to make to unkind people is to silently bless them and to offer them the hand of kindness. When this is my response, then both of us feel better. Two people can get relief from suffering when one person is kind.
Suffering is always optional. This is a wonderful bit of wisdom to cherish on a daily basis.
SEPT 4..............023 Detachment can be triggered by the reminder, “Don’t go there.”
We hold in our minds whatever thought we choose. Some of the thoughts we nurture are loving. Some are confused and negative. Many, unfortunately, are angry and blaming. Holding resentments against others for past hurts (and that’s what all resentments are about) holds us hostage and prevents us from experiencing the next lesson on our “list,” a lesson we have been prepared for. The simple suggestion “don’t go there” can change how we see everything about the incident in front of us. Of course, that means it can change everything about the rest of the day too.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. This is a terribly important distinction. It means that what we are judging in others or allowing to be diminished in us is a figment of our imagination. “Out there” matches our “in here.” When we can thoroughly grasp this realization, our life will begin to look different. The next step is that we will experience it differently too. The learning curve is long and sometimes steep but not beyond our capabilities.
Making “don’t go there” a mantra that we turn to throughout the day can change how we experience every situation that we don’t like. It promises empowerment and peace of mind. We deserve to make it our most useful tool.
SEPT 5.......................024 Detachment is not letting someone else determine your present.
Past baggage so readily complicates present experiences, either yours or someone else’s. Accepting that the past has served whatever purpose it had and moving on is one of the primary lessons we are all here to learn. There is only now. Getting our minds around that concept truly releases us to feel the joy that awaits us in each moment. God is here, now. God was in the past too when the past was now. And God will be present in the future when it arrives, but we can only live life one moment at a time. We will grow in gratitude for this awareness when it has fully set in.
Not giving up the past means we are chained to a time and a place that simply have nothing else to teach us. Being held hostage to anyone’s past prevents us from offering to our fellow travelers what they have joined us to learn today. There will be another opportunity, of course. Our lessons follow us, and we them, until we each have fulfilled our part of the bargain. Detaining the process impedes all of us, both those dancing with us now and those dancing elsewhere. We are connected, one and all in the circle of learning.
The past controls the minds of many. But we can walk away from it, our own or someone else’s past. Detaching in this way is necessary if we want to experience peace.
SEPT 6.......................025 Detachment relies on the “little willingness” to surrender.
For some, having a “little willingness” to surrender may sound like an oxymoron. Isn’t surrendering giving up, and isn’t that an all-or-nothing act? One could say yes, surrendering is all or nothing. But first having a little willingness might be necessary. And this implies that if we open the door just a tiny bit to the idea, God will help us take it the rest of the way. Surrendering with no help from God is not easy for most of us. We may have every intention of surrendering, and we might manage to begin the process, but the full follow-through is a bigger step.
The gifts we receive from surrendering are many. It’s not a defeat, ever, to surrender an argument, to detach from the struggle or the stranglehold another person has on us. Detachment can mean something as simple as walking away from a discussion that has no solution or excusing ourselves from an argument that is getting out of control. Detachment doesn’t mean we can no longer love the person we may have to walk away from. It simply means that nothing good is coming of the discussion we are having right now, and rather than escalate it, we want to do only what would please God. Being quiet is seldom the wrong choice.
Being willing to walk away from a power struggle (or worse) is one of the most peaceful actions we can ever take. Doing it without the help of God is difficult for most of us, but seeing it as an opportunity to get closer to God makes it more appealing and far easier.
SEPT 7..............026 Detachment is noticing people without judgment.
Judging others is a major issue for some of us. I am a long way from being the woman I really want to be when it comes to this characteristic. I know that the way through is to remember and then practice, as often as possible, thinking only those thoughts that God would want me to think. Practice doesn’t make perfect, and I frequently fall far short of my goal. But asking God to help me be loving and kind is the first necessary step to doing it.
Willingness coupled with intention, followed next by action, is what allows us to be the people we really want to be. If I don’t want to let judgment rule my thoughts, I have a blueprint for making different choices. It’s very freeing to walk away from judgment. It’s a characteristic that cripples us right along with crippling our relationships with others. We can walk tall. We can free others and ourselves with one decision.
Looking lovingly on others gives both us and them joy. Why wouldn’t we want to do this?
SEPT 8...............027 Detachment is freedom from chaos.
Living chaotic lives can become habit-forming, so much so that a person doesn’t even realize there is another way to exist. Some people equate chaos with excitement, in fact. And who doesn’t enjoy excitement, at least occasionally? But not knowing the difference between chaos and excitement means one will likely miss the myriad opportunities to be present in the “right” way to the moment that has called. Chaos is seductive, to be sure. But so is the experience of a peaceful presence once it has been cultivated.
Becoming willing to live one’s experiences differently is the first necessary step to discovering the freedom promised by detaching from upheavals in the lives of others. Just because we are on the journey with someone else doesn’t mean we have to respond to their path. On the contrary, we may be traveling with them so we can show them that there is another way to see and live through a particular experience. We can never know for sure what we have been called to do. But we can know for certain that if we show up lovingly, we will be on the right track.
Every day offers so many opportunities to experience chaos, but for every one of them we can make the choice to be peaceful in that moment instead.
SEPT 9........................028 Detachment is “moving away” from a conversation that begins to irritate.
I spent years of my life thinking I had to finish reading every book I started. Even if I only skimmed the chapters in the middle, I needed to get to the last page. I approached conversations with others in the same stuck way. I stayed in them even when I was agitated, obviously unheard, treated disrespectfully, or worse. Learning, as I have, that I can quit a book that doesn’t hold my interest or a conversation that isn’t respectful of my position is very empowering. Making choices that honor us takes practice. For some of us, discovering what honors us even takes time.
Taking baby steps with this idea of detachment is a good beginning. Most of us don’t come by this trait naturally. We easily get drawn into the dramas around us, particularly those involving our loved ones. It’s generally with those who are the closest to us that we have the conversations that might turn tense. The good news about this is that we have daily opportunities to practice detaching our emotions from these difficult conversations. And this doesn’t mean we always have to walk away. We will learn that we can stay in a conversation while remaining detached. That’s one of the lessons we have been promised.
Detachment is an exciting journey. Enjoying the fruits thereof is one of the gifts of this life.
SEPT 10....................029 Detachment is knowing that the mind can change if what you say to the mind changes
We simply are not able to hold more that one thought in our minds at a time. Whatever thought we harbor has been cultivated by none other than ourselves. That’s both the good and the bad new of our lives. No one has power over the good and the bad news of our lives. No one has power over how we think. Of course, that also means we can blame no one else for what we think! If we put good thoughts in our minds, we will express good thoughts to others. The reverse ifs just as powerfully true.
Being consumed with the actions of others, which can so easily happen to any of us, offers an excellent opportunity to take charge of our thinking. Letting someone else be the center of our mind, and thus of our life, means we don’t have a moment’s peace;. It also means our own life is passing us by. It’s up to us to decide what we say to ourselves. It’s up to us to determine how we relate to every moment. It’s up to us to change our minds so that our lives can be different. It’s a simple equation: what we think is what we experience. If we want something different, only we can make that happen. Today can be the day to begin.
Detachment doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean ignoring someone, either. It means not letting our minds be controlled by the presence of others. That’s all.
SEPT 11...............030 Detachment is letting decisions that need to be made by others be only theirs.
Letting those who journey with us make their own decisions is one of our most difficult lessons, I think. We too easily mistake our “being together” as the invitation to get overly involved in one another’s life. Journeying together is not about crossing over into one another’s space. In fact, it’s far more likely that it’s about the exact opposite-about learning to walk together but not on top of each other.
We can all remember times in our own past when someone else insisted that we handle a situation their way. Or we can remember from our childhood how it felt when we were reprimanded for trying to do something in our own way. Being trusted with making the decisions that directly determine the next steps of our life is a gift we all deserve to experience. Taking the opportunity away from others, even when we think we are doing right by them, isn’t the assignment that God has called us to do. Giving the decision to whomever it belongs to is freedom. We will only understand this when we practice it.
Perhaps we long to make decisions for everyone we love. But doing so is not the expression of love that our loved ones need. They need to be trusted to make their own decisions. Today is a good day to begin the process of trust.
SEPT 12.............031 Detachment is “keeping it simple”-staying out of situations that don’t directly involve you
I used to think the slogan “keep it simple” was ludicrous. I was a complicated woman, after all, with a very responsible job, a graduate degree, and a plan for my life that didn’t leave a lot of room for either error or slacking off. And I had a lot of people in my life that I was keeping track of. I thought keeping it simple was denying the realities of my very busy life. How wrong I was………..and how glad I am that I was wrong.
Keeping it simple can actually mean many things, depending on the interpreter. But one of the most powerful interpretations for me has been to walk away from situations and people that don’t directly involve me. My life is quite busy enough as it is. Freeing ourselves from the seduction of getting into other people’s business isn’t easy at first, not if we have had an obsession with doing that. But it can be done. Millions have done it. We can now be an example for others, too.
Minding my own business is a challenge and is exhilarating at the same time. It can become the best of all habits to form, one that will give me both more time and more friends.
SEPT 13.............032 Detachment is having your life be about you, not about other people.
Being really close to another person, whether it’s a parent, a significant other, a friend, a sibling, or one of our children, feels so natural, doesn’t it? We want to be close to those we love. We want to help each other make decisions, do chores, plan for the future. Walking the path with someone who is in our life is the most natural of all actions. But walking beside someone, offering an opinion when asked for it, and being supportive when it’s truly an act of love is not the same as taking someone else’s “work” away from them. We all have specific “assignments” in this life. Not being allowed to do our own work prevents us from realizing the growth we are here to achieve.
When any one of us fails to fulfill that which we are here to do, many others will not get the opportunity to do what they are here to do either. We are like puzzle pieces comprising a panoramic scene. Not filling in the space that’s been designated as ours means the picture isn’t complete. Our own life must be attended to if we are to be, and to give, all that we can to the circle of associates who are obviously part of our journey. Nothing is happening by chance. Those who are next to us on the path need our input perhaps, but little more.
The thrill of living our lives in concert with others is great indeed. But we must have the freedom to fulfill our part of the journey alone.
SEPT 14.............033 Detachment is living in our adult observer role
Being a silent observer is an unfamiliar role for many of us. We too often assume that our input is desired, at times even required, only because we are present to a situation . Being told that our opinion isn’t necessary or even wanted can be interpreted as an affront. But we can choose to see this a different way: we can decide to enjoy the freedom this offers us. Not having to respond to the many experiences that we share with others is rather refreshing. It’s food for us and for our companions, too.
The idea of detachment doesn’t mean we don’t care what’s happening to others. Nor does it mean that what’s happening has no effect on us. It simply means that we don’t have to react to any situation. We can observe it, make a judgment about it and then choose a proper response if one is actually called fro or perhaps not respond at all. Practicing not responding is highly recommended if we want to grow in an important way. Making no response will become easier in time, and it sets a wonderful example for others, too.
Observing what’s going on around us without comment takes willingness and, on occasion, great strength, too. But detaching from others so they can do their own work is part of our work, too.
SEPT 15.............035 Detachment is taking responsibility for our own life
Not blaming others for anything that has happened to us in this life is the mark of spiritual maturity. It’s also a goal that most of us have to spend years striving to attain. It’s not unusual to want to make others responsible for our failures or for our insufficiencies. Being told that the circumstances of our birth, the unloving parent or spouse, or the inability to master the educational system can’t be blamed aren’t easy pills for us to swallow. But until we say to ourselves and others, “I am wholly responsible for all that has occurred in my life,” we will not be able to move out of the prison we have built for ourselves.
Being fully responsible may feel daunting initially. But taking the responsibility in small bites makes it more digestible. Believing that we did the best we could with what was available is a good place to begin. This is also a good place to begin when we think of the supposed failings of our parents. They too did the best they could. Until we can come to terms with that, most of us won’t be very willing to take responsibility for what later followed in our own lives. A great analogy is to think of ourselves as toddlers trying to learn how to walk: we fall a lot. And that’s okay. Getting up again is what’s important.
Not looking to someone else to pick us up is the mark of maturity. We are on the path of emotional and spiritual maturity right now. Moving forward a step at a time is all that’s suggested
SEPT 16..............036 Detachment means not being a victim anymore
Some say there are no victims, only volunteers. When I first heard that phrase, I was mystified. How could a person who suffered at the hands of another be considered a volunteer? But volunteers we are. Lest you misunderstand, I don’t want to suggest that there are no culprits in this world. But how we perceive those people who mistreat us is our choice. We can see those who are mean-spirited or worse as fearful, angry people who are looking for acceptance, even love, in the only way they know how. We don’t have to stay in their presence. Nor do we have to approve of their actions. But we can seek to understand them and move on.
We are moving along this path to master the lessons we have come here to learn, and those who travel with us, our compatriots as well as our adversaries, are fulfilling their designated roles too. That’s not easy to fathom if what we experience is unpleasant, but each of us is playing a part in the drama. To not take the actions of others as intentionally hurtful is the best of all lessons. Detaching from what we are experiencing is a possibility. Always.
What a glorious day today can be if I can remember that my experiences are part of my necessary learning curve.
SEPT 17...............037 Detachment is living one’s own life while letting friends and family live as they choose
Letting others live as they choose doesn’t sound that difficult, does it? At first glance, we’d probably say no, I can do that; what do I care what others are doing? But the fact of the matter is that most of us try, sometimes not very subtly, to control the actions of others. We too easily think we have a better idea about how to solve a problem. Or that we know what the preferred outcome should be. What we have forgotten perhaps is that everyone has his or her own specific agenda that has been given by one’s Higher Power. When we interfere, we prevent the growth that’s intended for our companions.
The more important reason for letting go of the lives of our companions is that we can’t do what we are here to do when we are overly focused on someone else’s journey. We travel together. And for that we can be very grateful. But we are running on parallel courses. What any one of us has as a plan for the day, the week, or one’s entire life may well be affected by that which a friend or family member is doing. But we must forge ahead regardless and let our companions completer their journeys, too.
Being on parallel courses gives each one of us courage and strength. Both not having to carry one another is the best of all blessings.
SEPT 18.............038 Detachment is never letting someone else control how we think, feel, or behave.
Although I have already mentioned this earlier, it’s worth repeating: until I read John Powell’s little book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? in 1971, I had no idea how controlled I was by the very presence of others in my life, not only people I knew well but also complete strangers. If someone looked at me unfavorable or failed to look at me at all, I was consumed with doubt. Unless I was receiving nearly constant, positive attention, I felt invisible and unappreciated, certainly unloved. Being the center of everyone else’s life was what my ego demanded. But it never truly happened, fortunately.
When we are the center of anyone else’s life (and only someone who is very insecure would want to control us in this way), it restricts our every movement. We don’t have a life of our own when we have abdicated responsibility for ourselves, all our dreams and aspirations, all our decisions and actions, to others. It’s crucial that we savor the awareness that what we are here to do complements what others are here to do, too. But none of us are here to do for others what they need to be doing for themselves. This can’t be overstated. Being detached, being in charge solely of one’s self is life’s assignment.
It’s not always easy to turn away from the demands or cajoling of others. But what we may need to do is our decision, in the final analysis. Let’s stick with that.
SEPT 19................039 Detachment is letting go of fear over other’s behavior.
Throughout my own life there were so many ways to feel fear about what others were doing. Growing up, I was afraid of potential violence in my home. I was afraid of my dad’s anger. I was afraid my best friends were going to reject me every time a new student moved to our school. I was afraid of not being picked to play kickball after school. I was afraid I would remain uninvited to a birthday party. Then when boys entered the picture, I was certain no one would want me as a girlfriend or later, as a wife.
The overwhelming sense of fear shadowed me throughout the first three decades of my life. Until I was introduce to the concept that I had a Higher Power who traveled with me and who always “picked me” as worthy, I fought the urge to hang on to whoever wandered close by. Hanging on to others, in the way I did, suffocated many potential friendships. I really never believe it was possible to be free of the fear that crippled me. But I am. No longer do I look to others for my self-worth. No longer am I afraid. Period. What changed? I developed the willingness to believe that life gives us the journey we were meant to have and that we aren’t alone on this trip. And this willingness is available to all of us.
What anyone else is doing doesn’t determine who we are or what we are worth. That’s an awareness that makes all the difference in the world to people who doubt.
SEPT 20..............040 Detachment is freedom from relying on others to complete our lives.
Having others in our lives to complement our journey is a gift we all deserve. But being dependent on their presence in order to feel secure is not healthy. Nor is being so independent that we want no one else to share our path with us. Being interdependent is the best of all possible choices.
Joining with others, wherever they are, is an easy way to make a contribution toward the peace that’s so often missing in families and communities everywhere. But joining with someone is not the same as denying who we are in order to fit in or to be valued. Joining with another is about giving up the idea that we should compare ourselves or compete with each other. It’s about saying, “We are one” - interconnected, rather than separate. It’s an act of love. It’s not possession. When we join, everyone remains free. And valued. We simply don’t have to share every opinion.
Our lives are complemented by others but not completed by them. For this we can be very thankful. It allows us to be who we are meant to be.
SEPT 21.......041 Detachment, when fully expressed, promises peacefulness.
To be peaceful means not letting anyone else’s behavior control how we feel about them, about ourselves, about the moment, or about the situation at hand. In other words, being totally free of any external influence is the only thing that can guarantee sustainable peace. We do have that option; we seldom exercise it, however. Far more often we let the mood swings or actions of others determine our own moods and behaviors. What a refreshing idea to know that we have made that choice. It’s not required! We can make another choice.
Detachment, fully expressed, may seem a bit extreme. But like the ever-so-common phrase “You can’t be a little bit pregnant,” you can’t be a little bit detached. We are either our own person or we are not. To be fully detached doesn’t mean ignoring the others on our path, nor does it mean being unkind. But it does mean we make our own decisions regardless of the opinions and plans of others. Peace is the gift that’s realized when we decide who we will be and then be
Isn’t peace what we all want? There is a guaranteed way to get it: detach. When others are in our circle, we make sure that we stay within our own choices. We do it lovingly so all will benefit.
SEPT 22.............042 Detachment is a gift that we receive from our relationships well lived.
Having relationships doesn’t always ensure that we enjoy them. Many of us have experienced relationships that were ill-conceived from the start. Sometimes we go into a relationship simply because it was convenient or, as in my case, because it seemed better than being alone. But relationship that isn’t based on mutual values or on the willingness to respect our differences isn’t destined to fulfill our yearnings, not for long anyway.
There’s another element that contributes to a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial if the relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is the sum of more than the two parts. This is where the concept of detachment enters. Not being afraid to let our relationship partner live his or her life, trusting that their choices don’t have to mimic ours for us to be compatible, is a sign of strength and health. It’s also the necessary sign that we are trusting God to be in charge of the journey we each need to make.
GOD never detaches from us. That’s the spiritual axiom that allows us to detach from all others with the faith that whomever we need to journey with will come to us.
SEPT 23................043 Detachment from others is necessary to fully enjoy attachment to God.
If our focus is obsessively on someone else, we simply cannot be present to the people and the lessons with them that God has planned for us. Our journey is quite intentional. And pay attention we must. Actually, that’s a relief, isn’t it? It means we don’t have to let the actions of others take over our minds. We don’t have to let their opinions, their outbursts, their sulking, or their silence define us in any way. Letting them be gives us the opportunity we need to connect to God with the fullness of our hearts. Learning to journey with others is the paramount lesson for many of us.
In our attachment to God we are helped to clearly understand the work we have been born to fulfill. Each one of us is unique and able to perform our specific tasks as no one else can. And in order for every task to b e completed, it takes every one of us to do our part. We can be supportive of one another. We should be, in fact. But we must let the completion of the details be handled by the person assigned to them.
There is such joy in feeling attached to God. It means there is no fear. We will not doubt our worth. We will know that we have a purpose, and we will know how to fulfill it because God will supply all the information we need.
SEPT 24................044 Detachment is knowing that others’ criticisms are about them.
I grew up in a household where criticism was common, far more common that praise, in fact. I don’t think it was that my parents didn’t love me or my siblings, but rather, they didn’t feel satisfied with themselves, and that made it quite difficult to be satisfied with anyone else, either. So I think their being critical of others became a habit. I observed them being critical of their siblings, as well as of their neighbors. In fact they seldom praised others at all.
I look back on those years with an understanding that I wasn’t capable of then. And a sadness that my parents didn’t feel okay about who they were, which in turn made them unable to see the good in others.
People who truly know God don’t criticize. Even when they observe a behavior that concerns them, they are far more likely to say a silent prayer. They seem to instinctively know that their purpose in another’s life is to offer love and support, and forgiveness, should that be called for. We are never called to be critics of one another. Way-shower, yes, but never critics.
Being criticized by others need not affect how we feel about ourselves. And it won’t the more we practice detachment.
SEPT 25...........045 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible.
Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice.
Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
SEPT 26............046 Attachment to anyone other than God imprisons us
For the first three decades of my life, I reveled in being “necessary,” or so I thought, to someone else’s life. If that someone was happy, so was I. If he or she was sad, I tried to make them feel better. If they were angry, I was certain I had done something wrong. My every mood was controlled by the feedback I received, either verbal or nonverbal, from them. My growth was stunted, and I didn’t even know it.
It wasn’t until I got involved in Twelve Step recovery that I discovered there were other ways to experience one’s life. Coming to appreciate that we are on shared journeys, not the same journey, has taught me many things. I have learned that what someone else sees is not what I need to see, that what he or she thinks need not be what I think. That how anyone else behaves doesn’t have to chart my course too. We are complementary to each other. We are not empowered to be in charge of one another.
Being imprisoned by our attachments to other people in our lives keeps us from living the journey we are here to enjoy. It’s up to us to release ourselves.
SEPT 27.............047 Detachment is not letting the mood swings of others determine your own mood.
In the early 1970’s, I read a passage in a book by a popular Jesuit priest that rocked my world. I realized then that my life had always been a reflection of how others responded to me. If their response was loving, I felt secure. If they seemed distant, I felt rejected. If their interests or activities didn’t include me, I could only interpret this as abandonment. I needed to be the center of any loved one’s life, and when that wasn’t the case, which was frequent, I was an emotional basket case. My life depended on others’ inclusion of me in their every waking moment. Needless to say, I had no real life.
Letting someone else’s behavior control our behavior negates our freedom of choice. It means we fail to experience the gifts of happiness and empowerment that come with making our own decisions. We can’t fulfill the assignment that is solely ours if we are at the mercy of someone else’s behavior, even part of the time. And if we aren’t doing that which we were born to do, we also slow down the progress of those who travel with us.
We are part of an orchestra, you and me. We each have a song, a tune, to play. Yours isn’t mine, and vice versa. Being in charge of our own notes is the ultimate lesson for each one of us.
SEPT 28...............048 Detachment is practicing the awareness that changing our thoughts can produce changed feelings.
We can change our minds, and the experiences in our life will reflect the change. For instance, try this experiment. The next time you are impatiently standing in line at the grocery store, say to yourself, “Everyone in front of me is here by divine appointment and needs my blessing.” Then notice how differently you feel inside. Notice how others begin to soften their gaze, too. If you see no change the first time you try this try it again. It works. When we change how we see others in our world, they do seem to change as well. They will begin to match our picture of them.
Coming to appreciate that we are not powerless over what we nurture in our minds, that we are, in fact in charge of our thoughts, gives us the hope and the promise that we can feel however we want to feel. We can be as happy, as hopeful, or as miserable as we want to be. No thought can hold us hostage. No feeling can hold us hostage. No person can hold us hostage. We are as free as we want to be. This gives us all the ammunition we will ever need to know that all is well. Always, all is well.
Thoughts and feelings are intertwined. The good news is that each one of us is in charge of how we feel because of what we think. Our present is up to us.
SEPT 29.............O49 Detachment is knowing that happiness is the by-product of how we live our lives, not how others are living theirs.
Allowing others to be glad or sad, and knowing it doesn’t relate to us, is real freedom. But coming to understand this way of life takes time, a willingness to believe in this as a possibility, and then perseverance. Few develop this awareness instantaneously. But whenever we accept this as a path for living, it becomes the first day of real freedom that we’ll ever experience.
Tying our happiness to anyone else means we probably also tie our sadness or confusion or depression to them, too. And many of us do live this way, or did. I have to admit this was my path for many years. Whatever anyone else said or did, however anyone else felt, was what determined my emotions. It’s a bit embarrassing to say that I lived this way into my late thirties. And if I had not been introduced to a Twelve Step program then, I might still be tying my star to someone else’s dream………..or nightmare. My path was not unusual. I know many others who struggled with the same issue; some still do. Our culture encourages it. But we can live differently. I know, because I do now.
Happiness, as Abe Lincoln said, comes when we make up our minds to be happy. What freedom and joy this ensures. It allows us to model happiness for others, too.
SEPT 30..........050 Detachment is not needing attention from others to feel okay. It’s a common desire, for many of us, to want others to notice us, particularly when we are in the spotlight for a particular reason. Being listened to at home and by friends is important too. But that’s not the crux of this principle. It’s about getting comfortable enough with who we are to feel okay wherever we are, with or without the attention of others. Up to a certain age, many children seem to naturally have this confidence. And then they often lose it; some never regain it. But those who seek to understand themselves as well as others can generally reclaim it in time.
Not needing attention from others is far different than not wanting someone’s attention. Being dependent on getting someone’s attention holds us hostage to every relationship and situation we find ourselves in. It doesn’t allow us to work an equal partnership with others. It doesn’t free us to be who we are in the moment. We will be on guard to be who we think we need to be in order to stay in the good graces of our “captor.” We are not really living when that’s our path.
Checking our motives for our actions is very important. Are we doing what is in our hearts? Or are we doing what we think we need to do in order to get positive attention from others?
*******************
SEPT 1...................20 Detachment is not acquiescence.
Detachment is far more analogous to unconditional love than to acquiescence. It means letting our loved ones make their own choices, and that doesn’t mean we don’t care. On the contrary, we care so much about them that we know they must travel their own path, rather than ours. Detachment might well be considered one of the most loving of all responses to those who travel with us. While it’s true, as I have written elsewhere, that we travel intentionally with specific people, we do it in concert as learning partners, not as mirrors of one another.
Detachment is a gift to each of us, really. Whether we are detaching from others or they from us, it’s a show of respect every time. To not allow others……..or to not be allowed………to make personal choices limits our growth. Our time here is purposeful. If we steer others in a direction that’s not right for them now, time is wasted, lessons are postponed, and opportunities are missed. They will come again, of course, but not letting them pass us by the first time they visit does mean we are certain to fulfill our purpose in a timely fashion.
Part of our purpose is to care. It’s not to do for others what they
should do for themselves, however. There is a time for helping one another and a time for detaching. Let’s not confuse them.
SEPT 2................021 Detachment is disengagement, nothing more.
Detachment is a loving act and quite often a very difficult one. Usually we have to consciously make the decision to let someone else chart their own course and thus define their own life. We mistakenly think that since we are traveling together, we should be able to influence the direction a friend or lover takes, but that’s not the case. Possibly, our opinion will be sought, and in some cases adhered to, but there are no guarantees. We travel side by side because of the lessons we share, and one of the lessons we all have to learn, it seems, is that we cannot control the actions, the opinions, or the decisions anyone else makes.
Initially, this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. Our security feels tied to the choices our loved ones make. Are they going to leave us out of their plans, abandon us perhaps? As we grow in wisdom, however, we realize how very fortunate we are that what others do is not up to us, nor does it define us. Living one life, ours, is enough to handle. Only after experiencing the freedom to letting others be free can we truly understand the gift of detachment.
To be disengaged from what others are choosing to do will give me extra time to do what I need to do today. That’s the primary lesson I am here to learn. I know it and believe it. I will practice it today.
SEPT 3.................022 Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer.
For probably the first forty years of my life, I let what others said or did control how I felt. If they smiled, I felt appreciated and worthy. If they frowned or ignored me or spoke harshly, I felt worthless and feared abandonment. How pathetic really. I actually didn’t know there was any other way to respond to the people or the situations in my life. They defined me, with my permission. I was their victim, but I had volunteered for the position. But then in 1974, I was introduced to Al-Anon, and that’s where my life began to change.
Certainly not every one needs Al-Anon to grasp the wisdom that I have come to appreciate in the rooms of recovery. But it is where I learned that the behavior of others has nothing to do with me. It defines them. It reveals how they feel about themselves. When others are not kind, it’s because they are suffering in some way. I have also learned that the best response for me to make to unkind people is to silently bless them and to offer them the hand of kindness. When this is my response, then both of us feel better. Two people can get relief from suffering when one person is kind.
Suffering is always optional. This is a wonderful bit of wisdom to cherish on a daily basis.
SEPT 4..............023 Detachment can be triggered by the reminder, “Don’t go there.”
We hold in our minds whatever thought we choose. Some of the thoughts we nurture are loving. Some are confused and negative. Many, unfortunately, are angry and blaming. Holding resentments against others for past hurts (and that’s what all resentments are about) holds us hostage and prevents us from experiencing the next lesson on our “list,” a lesson we have been prepared for. The simple suggestion “don’t go there” can change how we see everything about the incident in front of us. Of course, that means it can change everything about the rest of the day too.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. This is a terribly important distinction. It means that what we are judging in others or allowing to be diminished in us is a figment of our imagination. “Out there” matches our “in here.” When we can thoroughly grasp this realization, our life will begin to look different. The next step is that we will experience it differently too. The learning curve is long and sometimes steep but not beyond our capabilities.
Making “don’t go there” a mantra that we turn to throughout the day can change how we experience every situation that we don’t like. It promises empowerment and peace of mind. We deserve to make it our most useful tool.
SEPT 5.......................024 Detachment is not letting someone else determine your present.
Past baggage so readily complicates present experiences, either yours or someone else’s. Accepting that the past has served whatever purpose it had and moving on is one of the primary lessons we are all here to learn. There is only now. Getting our minds around that concept truly releases us to feel the joy that awaits us in each moment. God is here, now. God was in the past too when the past was now. And God will be present in the future when it arrives, but we can only live life one moment at a time. We will grow in gratitude for this awareness when it has fully set in.
Not giving up the past means we are chained to a time and a place that simply have nothing else to teach us. Being held hostage to anyone’s past prevents us from offering to our fellow travelers what they have joined us to learn today. There will be another opportunity, of course. Our lessons follow us, and we them, until we each have fulfilled our part of the bargain. Detaining the process impedes all of us, both those dancing with us now and those dancing elsewhere. We are connected, one and all in the circle of learning.
The past controls the minds of many. But we can walk away from it, our own or someone else’s past. Detaching in this way is necessary if we want to experience peace.
SEPT 6.......................025 Detachment relies on the “little willingness” to surrender.
For some, having a “little willingness” to surrender may sound like an oxymoron. Isn’t surrendering giving up, and isn’t that an all-or-nothing act? One could say yes, surrendering is all or nothing. But first having a little willingness might be necessary. And this implies that if we open the door just a tiny bit to the idea, God will help us take it the rest of the way. Surrendering with no help from God is not easy for most of us. We may have every intention of surrendering, and we might manage to begin the process, but the full follow-through is a bigger step.
The gifts we receive from surrendering are many. It’s not a defeat, ever, to surrender an argument, to detach from the struggle or the stranglehold another person has on us. Detachment can mean something as simple as walking away from a discussion that has no solution or excusing ourselves from an argument that is getting out of control. Detachment doesn’t mean we can no longer love the person we may have to walk away from. It simply means that nothing good is coming of the discussion we are having right now, and rather than escalate it, we want to do only what would please God. Being quiet is seldom the wrong choice.
Being willing to walk away from a power struggle (or worse) is one of the most peaceful actions we can ever take. Doing it without the help of God is difficult for most of us, but seeing it as an opportunity to get closer to God makes it more appealing and far easier.
SEPT 7..............026 Detachment is noticing people without judgment.
Judging others is a major issue for some of us. I am a long way from being the woman I really want to be when it comes to this characteristic. I know that the way through is to remember and then practice, as often as possible, thinking only those thoughts that God would want me to think. Practice doesn’t make perfect, and I frequently fall far short of my goal. But asking God to help me be loving and kind is the first necessary step to doing it.
Willingness coupled with intention, followed next by action, is what allows us to be the people we really want to be. If I don’t want to let judgment rule my thoughts, I have a blueprint for making different choices. It’s very freeing to walk away from judgment. It’s a characteristic that cripples us right along with crippling our relationships with others. We can walk tall. We can free others and ourselves with one decision.
Looking lovingly on others gives both us and them joy. Why wouldn’t we want to do this?
SEPT 8...............027 Detachment is freedom from chaos.
Living chaotic lives can become habit-forming, so much so that a person doesn’t even realize there is another way to exist. Some people equate chaos with excitement, in fact. And who doesn’t enjoy excitement, at least occasionally? But not knowing the difference between chaos and excitement means one will likely miss the myriad opportunities to be present in the “right” way to the moment that has called. Chaos is seductive, to be sure. But so is the experience of a peaceful presence once it has been cultivated.
Becoming willing to live one’s experiences differently is the first necessary step to discovering the freedom promised by detaching from upheavals in the lives of others. Just because we are on the journey with someone else doesn’t mean we have to respond to their path. On the contrary, we may be traveling with them so we can show them that there is another way to see and live through a particular experience. We can never know for sure what we have been called to do. But we can know for certain that if we show up lovingly, we will be on the right track.
Every day offers so many opportunities to experience chaos, but for every one of them we can make the choice to be peaceful in that moment instead.
SEPT 9........................028 Detachment is “moving away” from a conversation that begins to irritate.
I spent years of my life thinking I had to finish reading every book I started. Even if I only skimmed the chapters in the middle, I needed to get to the last page. I approached conversations with others in the same stuck way. I stayed in them even when I was agitated, obviously unheard, treated disrespectfully, or worse. Learning, as I have, that I can quit a book that doesn’t hold my interest or a conversation that isn’t respectful of my position is very empowering. Making choices that honor us takes practice. For some of us, discovering what honors us even takes time.
Taking baby steps with this idea of detachment is a good beginning. Most of us don’t come by this trait naturally. We easily get drawn into the dramas around us, particularly those involving our loved ones. It’s generally with those who are the closest to us that we have the conversations that might turn tense. The good news about this is that we have daily opportunities to practice detaching our emotions from these difficult conversations. And this doesn’t mean we always have to walk away. We will learn that we can stay in a conversation while remaining detached. That’s one of the lessons we have been promised.
Detachment is an exciting journey. Enjoying the fruits thereof is one of the gifts of this life.
SEPT 10....................029 Detachment is knowing that the mind can change if what you say to the mind changes
We simply are not able to hold more that one thought in our minds at a time. Whatever thought we harbor has been cultivated by none other than ourselves. That’s both the good and the bad new of our lives. No one has power over the good and the bad news of our lives. No one has power over how we think. Of course, that also means we can blame no one else for what we think! If we put good thoughts in our minds, we will express good thoughts to others. The reverse ifs just as powerfully true.
Being consumed with the actions of others, which can so easily happen to any of us, offers an excellent opportunity to take charge of our thinking. Letting someone else be the center of our mind, and thus of our life, means we don’t have a moment’s peace;. It also means our own life is passing us by. It’s up to us to decide what we say to ourselves. It’s up to us to determine how we relate to every moment. It’s up to us to change our minds so that our lives can be different. It’s a simple equation: what we think is what we experience. If we want something different, only we can make that happen. Today can be the day to begin.
Detachment doesn’t mean not caring. It doesn’t mean ignoring someone, either. It means not letting our minds be controlled by the presence of others. That’s all.
SEPT 11...............030 Detachment is letting decisions that need to be made by others be only theirs.
Letting those who journey with us make their own decisions is one of our most difficult lessons, I think. We too easily mistake our “being together” as the invitation to get overly involved in one another’s life. Journeying together is not about crossing over into one another’s space. In fact, it’s far more likely that it’s about the exact opposite-about learning to walk together but not on top of each other.
We can all remember times in our own past when someone else insisted that we handle a situation their way. Or we can remember from our childhood how it felt when we were reprimanded for trying to do something in our own way. Being trusted with making the decisions that directly determine the next steps of our life is a gift we all deserve to experience. Taking the opportunity away from others, even when we think we are doing right by them, isn’t the assignment that God has called us to do. Giving the decision to whomever it belongs to is freedom. We will only understand this when we practice it.
Perhaps we long to make decisions for everyone we love. But doing so is not the expression of love that our loved ones need. They need to be trusted to make their own decisions. Today is a good day to begin the process of trust.
SEPT 12.............031 Detachment is “keeping it simple”-staying out of situations that don’t directly involve you
I used to think the slogan “keep it simple” was ludicrous. I was a complicated woman, after all, with a very responsible job, a graduate degree, and a plan for my life that didn’t leave a lot of room for either error or slacking off. And I had a lot of people in my life that I was keeping track of. I thought keeping it simple was denying the realities of my very busy life. How wrong I was………..and how glad I am that I was wrong.
Keeping it simple can actually mean many things, depending on the interpreter. But one of the most powerful interpretations for me has been to walk away from situations and people that don’t directly involve me. My life is quite busy enough as it is. Freeing ourselves from the seduction of getting into other people’s business isn’t easy at first, not if we have had an obsession with doing that. But it can be done. Millions have done it. We can now be an example for others, too.
Minding my own business is a challenge and is exhilarating at the same time. It can become the best of all habits to form, one that will give me both more time and more friends.
SEPT 13.............032 Detachment is having your life be about you, not about other people.
Being really close to another person, whether it’s a parent, a significant other, a friend, a sibling, or one of our children, feels so natural, doesn’t it? We want to be close to those we love. We want to help each other make decisions, do chores, plan for the future. Walking the path with someone who is in our life is the most natural of all actions. But walking beside someone, offering an opinion when asked for it, and being supportive when it’s truly an act of love is not the same as taking someone else’s “work” away from them. We all have specific “assignments” in this life. Not being allowed to do our own work prevents us from realizing the growth we are here to achieve.
When any one of us fails to fulfill that which we are here to do, many others will not get the opportunity to do what they are here to do either. We are like puzzle pieces comprising a panoramic scene. Not filling in the space that’s been designated as ours means the picture isn’t complete. Our own life must be attended to if we are to be, and to give, all that we can to the circle of associates who are obviously part of our journey. Nothing is happening by chance. Those who are next to us on the path need our input perhaps, but little more.
The thrill of living our lives in concert with others is great indeed. But we must have the freedom to fulfill our part of the journey alone.
SEPT 14.............033 Detachment is living in our adult observer role
Being a silent observer is an unfamiliar role for many of us. We too often assume that our input is desired, at times even required, only because we are present to a situation . Being told that our opinion isn’t necessary or even wanted can be interpreted as an affront. But we can choose to see this a different way: we can decide to enjoy the freedom this offers us. Not having to respond to the many experiences that we share with others is rather refreshing. It’s food for us and for our companions, too.
The idea of detachment doesn’t mean we don’t care what’s happening to others. Nor does it mean that what’s happening has no effect on us. It simply means that we don’t have to react to any situation. We can observe it, make a judgment about it and then choose a proper response if one is actually called fro or perhaps not respond at all. Practicing not responding is highly recommended if we want to grow in an important way. Making no response will become easier in time, and it sets a wonderful example for others, too.
Observing what’s going on around us without comment takes willingness and, on occasion, great strength, too. But detaching from others so they can do their own work is part of our work, too.
SEPT 15.............035 Detachment is taking responsibility for our own life
Not blaming others for anything that has happened to us in this life is the mark of spiritual maturity. It’s also a goal that most of us have to spend years striving to attain. It’s not unusual to want to make others responsible for our failures or for our insufficiencies. Being told that the circumstances of our birth, the unloving parent or spouse, or the inability to master the educational system can’t be blamed aren’t easy pills for us to swallow. But until we say to ourselves and others, “I am wholly responsible for all that has occurred in my life,” we will not be able to move out of the prison we have built for ourselves.
Being fully responsible may feel daunting initially. But taking the responsibility in small bites makes it more digestible. Believing that we did the best we could with what was available is a good place to begin. This is also a good place to begin when we think of the supposed failings of our parents. They too did the best they could. Until we can come to terms with that, most of us won’t be very willing to take responsibility for what later followed in our own lives. A great analogy is to think of ourselves as toddlers trying to learn how to walk: we fall a lot. And that’s okay. Getting up again is what’s important.
Not looking to someone else to pick us up is the mark of maturity. We are on the path of emotional and spiritual maturity right now. Moving forward a step at a time is all that’s suggested
SEPT 16..............036 Detachment means not being a victim anymore
Some say there are no victims, only volunteers. When I first heard that phrase, I was mystified. How could a person who suffered at the hands of another be considered a volunteer? But volunteers we are. Lest you misunderstand, I don’t want to suggest that there are no culprits in this world. But how we perceive those people who mistreat us is our choice. We can see those who are mean-spirited or worse as fearful, angry people who are looking for acceptance, even love, in the only way they know how. We don’t have to stay in their presence. Nor do we have to approve of their actions. But we can seek to understand them and move on.
We are moving along this path to master the lessons we have come here to learn, and those who travel with us, our compatriots as well as our adversaries, are fulfilling their designated roles too. That’s not easy to fathom if what we experience is unpleasant, but each of us is playing a part in the drama. To not take the actions of others as intentionally hurtful is the best of all lessons. Detaching from what we are experiencing is a possibility. Always.
What a glorious day today can be if I can remember that my experiences are part of my necessary learning curve.
SEPT 17...............037 Detachment is living one’s own life while letting friends and family live as they choose
Letting others live as they choose doesn’t sound that difficult, does it? At first glance, we’d probably say no, I can do that; what do I care what others are doing? But the fact of the matter is that most of us try, sometimes not very subtly, to control the actions of others. We too easily think we have a better idea about how to solve a problem. Or that we know what the preferred outcome should be. What we have forgotten perhaps is that everyone has his or her own specific agenda that has been given by one’s Higher Power. When we interfere, we prevent the growth that’s intended for our companions.
The more important reason for letting go of the lives of our companions is that we can’t do what we are here to do when we are overly focused on someone else’s journey. We travel together. And for that we can be very grateful. But we are running on parallel courses. What any one of us has as a plan for the day, the week, or one’s entire life may well be affected by that which a friend or family member is doing. But we must forge ahead regardless and let our companions completer their journeys, too.
Being on parallel courses gives each one of us courage and strength. Both not having to carry one another is the best of all blessings.
SEPT 18.............038 Detachment is never letting someone else control how we think, feel, or behave.
Although I have already mentioned this earlier, it’s worth repeating: until I read John Powell’s little book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? in 1971, I had no idea how controlled I was by the very presence of others in my life, not only people I knew well but also complete strangers. If someone looked at me unfavorable or failed to look at me at all, I was consumed with doubt. Unless I was receiving nearly constant, positive attention, I felt invisible and unappreciated, certainly unloved. Being the center of everyone else’s life was what my ego demanded. But it never truly happened, fortunately.
When we are the center of anyone else’s life (and only someone who is very insecure would want to control us in this way), it restricts our every movement. We don’t have a life of our own when we have abdicated responsibility for ourselves, all our dreams and aspirations, all our decisions and actions, to others. It’s crucial that we savor the awareness that what we are here to do complements what others are here to do, too. But none of us are here to do for others what they need to be doing for themselves. This can’t be overstated. Being detached, being in charge solely of one’s self is life’s assignment.
It’s not always easy to turn away from the demands or cajoling of others. But what we may need to do is our decision, in the final analysis. Let’s stick with that.
SEPT 19................039 Detachment is letting go of fear over other’s behavior.
Throughout my own life there were so many ways to feel fear about what others were doing. Growing up, I was afraid of potential violence in my home. I was afraid of my dad’s anger. I was afraid my best friends were going to reject me every time a new student moved to our school. I was afraid of not being picked to play kickball after school. I was afraid I would remain uninvited to a birthday party. Then when boys entered the picture, I was certain no one would want me as a girlfriend or later, as a wife.
The overwhelming sense of fear shadowed me throughout the first three decades of my life. Until I was introduce to the concept that I had a Higher Power who traveled with me and who always “picked me” as worthy, I fought the urge to hang on to whoever wandered close by. Hanging on to others, in the way I did, suffocated many potential friendships. I really never believe it was possible to be free of the fear that crippled me. But I am. No longer do I look to others for my self-worth. No longer am I afraid. Period. What changed? I developed the willingness to believe that life gives us the journey we were meant to have and that we aren’t alone on this trip. And this willingness is available to all of us.
What anyone else is doing doesn’t determine who we are or what we are worth. That’s an awareness that makes all the difference in the world to people who doubt.
SEPT 20..............040 Detachment is freedom from relying on others to complete our lives.
Having others in our lives to complement our journey is a gift we all deserve. But being dependent on their presence in order to feel secure is not healthy. Nor is being so independent that we want no one else to share our path with us. Being interdependent is the best of all possible choices.
Joining with others, wherever they are, is an easy way to make a contribution toward the peace that’s so often missing in families and communities everywhere. But joining with someone is not the same as denying who we are in order to fit in or to be valued. Joining with another is about giving up the idea that we should compare ourselves or compete with each other. It’s about saying, “We are one” - interconnected, rather than separate. It’s an act of love. It’s not possession. When we join, everyone remains free. And valued. We simply don’t have to share every opinion.
Our lives are complemented by others but not completed by them. For this we can be very thankful. It allows us to be who we are meant to be.
SEPT 21.......041 Detachment, when fully expressed, promises peacefulness.
To be peaceful means not letting anyone else’s behavior control how we feel about them, about ourselves, about the moment, or about the situation at hand. In other words, being totally free of any external influence is the only thing that can guarantee sustainable peace. We do have that option; we seldom exercise it, however. Far more often we let the mood swings or actions of others determine our own moods and behaviors. What a refreshing idea to know that we have made that choice. It’s not required! We can make another choice.
Detachment, fully expressed, may seem a bit extreme. But like the ever-so-common phrase “You can’t be a little bit pregnant,” you can’t be a little bit detached. We are either our own person or we are not. To be fully detached doesn’t mean ignoring the others on our path, nor does it mean being unkind. But it does mean we make our own decisions regardless of the opinions and plans of others. Peace is the gift that’s realized when we decide who we will be and then be
Isn’t peace what we all want? There is a guaranteed way to get it: detach. When others are in our circle, we make sure that we stay within our own choices. We do it lovingly so all will benefit.
SEPT 22.............042 Detachment is a gift that we receive from our relationships well lived.
Having relationships doesn’t always ensure that we enjoy them. Many of us have experienced relationships that were ill-conceived from the start. Sometimes we go into a relationship simply because it was convenient or, as in my case, because it seemed better than being alone. But relationship that isn’t based on mutual values or on the willingness to respect our differences isn’t destined to fulfill our yearnings, not for long anyway.
There’s another element that contributes to a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial if the relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is to thrive. It’s the freedom to be who we really are and allow our partner the same freedom. A healthy relationship is the sum of more than the two parts. This is where the concept of detachment enters. Not being afraid to let our relationship partner live his or her life, trusting that their choices don’t have to mimic ours for us to be compatible, is a sign of strength and health. It’s also the necessary sign that we are trusting God to be in charge of the journey we each need to make.
GOD never detaches from us. That’s the spiritual axiom that allows us to detach from all others with the faith that whomever we need to journey with will come to us.
SEPT 23................043 Detachment from others is necessary to fully enjoy attachment to God.
If our focus is obsessively on someone else, we simply cannot be present to the people and the lessons with them that God has planned for us. Our journey is quite intentional. And pay attention we must. Actually, that’s a relief, isn’t it? It means we don’t have to let the actions of others take over our minds. We don’t have to let their opinions, their outbursts, their sulking, or their silence define us in any way. Letting them be gives us the opportunity we need to connect to God with the fullness of our hearts. Learning to journey with others is the paramount lesson for many of us.
In our attachment to God we are helped to clearly understand the work we have been born to fulfill. Each one of us is unique and able to perform our specific tasks as no one else can. And in order for every task to b e completed, it takes every one of us to do our part. We can be supportive of one another. We should be, in fact. But we must let the completion of the details be handled by the person assigned to them.
There is such joy in feeling attached to God. It means there is no fear. We will not doubt our worth. We will know that we have a purpose, and we will know how to fulfill it because God will supply all the information we need.
SEPT 24................044 Detachment is knowing that others’ criticisms are about them.
I grew up in a household where criticism was common, far more common that praise, in fact. I don’t think it was that my parents didn’t love me or my siblings, but rather, they didn’t feel satisfied with themselves, and that made it quite difficult to be satisfied with anyone else, either. So I think their being critical of others became a habit. I observed them being critical of their siblings, as well as of their neighbors. In fact they seldom praised others at all.
I look back on those years with an understanding that I wasn’t capable of then. And a sadness that my parents didn’t feel okay about who they were, which in turn made them unable to see the good in others.
People who truly know God don’t criticize. Even when they observe a behavior that concerns them, they are far more likely to say a silent prayer. They seem to instinctively know that their purpose in another’s life is to offer love and support, and forgiveness, should that be called for. We are never called to be critics of one another. Way-shower, yes, but never critics.
Being criticized by others need not affect how we feel about ourselves. And it won’t the more we practice detachment.
SEPT 25...........045 Attachment to God is what makes detachment possible.
Attaching ourselves to anyone but God makes us unduly influenced by the mood swings, the opinions, the behaviors, and the judgments of whoever is on our path. When we live that way, we have no life of our own. On the other hand, being “attached” to God means we will be given constant direction and feedback for the decisions we are making. Being connected to Him in this way doesn’t restrict our movements. In fact, we can ignore the directions we get. But the good news about being attached to God is that we will never be misled. And we will experience greater peace on our journey.
Attaching to others, rather than to God, will never sustain us in a healthy, peaceful way. In fact, we may feel as though we’re on a roller coaster. Allowing someone else to control us by their mood swings becomes a habit and destroys our self-esteem. We give our power away by choice. It’s never demanded of us, and it’s never, ever a good choice.
Being connected to others is a natural desire. But there’s a healthy connection and then there’s an unhealthy attachment. Do we know the difference?
SEPT 26............046 Attachment to anyone other than God imprisons us
For the first three decades of my life, I reveled in being “necessary,” or so I thought, to someone else’s life. If that someone was happy, so was I. If he or she was sad, I tried to make them feel better. If they were angry, I was certain I had done something wrong. My every mood was controlled by the feedback I received, either verbal or nonverbal, from them. My growth was stunted, and I didn’t even know it.
It wasn’t until I got involved in Twelve Step recovery that I discovered there were other ways to experience one’s life. Coming to appreciate that we are on shared journeys, not the same journey, has taught me many things. I have learned that what someone else sees is not what I need to see, that what he or she thinks need not be what I think. That how anyone else behaves doesn’t have to chart my course too. We are complementary to each other. We are not empowered to be in charge of one another.
Being imprisoned by our attachments to other people in our lives keeps us from living the journey we are here to enjoy. It’s up to us to release ourselves.
SEPT 27.............047 Detachment is not letting the mood swings of others determine your own mood.
In the early 1970’s, I read a passage in a book by a popular Jesuit priest that rocked my world. I realized then that my life had always been a reflection of how others responded to me. If their response was loving, I felt secure. If they seemed distant, I felt rejected. If their interests or activities didn’t include me, I could only interpret this as abandonment. I needed to be the center of any loved one’s life, and when that wasn’t the case, which was frequent, I was an emotional basket case. My life depended on others’ inclusion of me in their every waking moment. Needless to say, I had no real life.
Letting someone else’s behavior control our behavior negates our freedom of choice. It means we fail to experience the gifts of happiness and empowerment that come with making our own decisions. We can’t fulfill the assignment that is solely ours if we are at the mercy of someone else’s behavior, even part of the time. And if we aren’t doing that which we were born to do, we also slow down the progress of those who travel with us.
We are part of an orchestra, you and me. We each have a song, a tune, to play. Yours isn’t mine, and vice versa. Being in charge of our own notes is the ultimate lesson for each one of us.
SEPT 28...............048 Detachment is practicing the awareness that changing our thoughts can produce changed feelings.
We can change our minds, and the experiences in our life will reflect the change. For instance, try this experiment. The next time you are impatiently standing in line at the grocery store, say to yourself, “Everyone in front of me is here by divine appointment and needs my blessing.” Then notice how differently you feel inside. Notice how others begin to soften their gaze, too. If you see no change the first time you try this try it again. It works. When we change how we see others in our world, they do seem to change as well. They will begin to match our picture of them.
Coming to appreciate that we are not powerless over what we nurture in our minds, that we are, in fact in charge of our thoughts, gives us the hope and the promise that we can feel however we want to feel. We can be as happy, as hopeful, or as miserable as we want to be. No thought can hold us hostage. No feeling can hold us hostage. No person can hold us hostage. We are as free as we want to be. This gives us all the ammunition we will ever need to know that all is well. Always, all is well.
Thoughts and feelings are intertwined. The good news is that each one of us is in charge of how we feel because of what we think. Our present is up to us.
SEPT 29.............O49 Detachment is knowing that happiness is the by-product of how we live our lives, not how others are living theirs.
Allowing others to be glad or sad, and knowing it doesn’t relate to us, is real freedom. But coming to understand this way of life takes time, a willingness to believe in this as a possibility, and then perseverance. Few develop this awareness instantaneously. But whenever we accept this as a path for living, it becomes the first day of real freedom that we’ll ever experience.
Tying our happiness to anyone else means we probably also tie our sadness or confusion or depression to them, too. And many of us do live this way, or did. I have to admit this was my path for many years. Whatever anyone else said or did, however anyone else felt, was what determined my emotions. It’s a bit embarrassing to say that I lived this way into my late thirties. And if I had not been introduced to a Twelve Step program then, I might still be tying my star to someone else’s dream………..or nightmare. My path was not unusual. I know many others who struggled with the same issue; some still do. Our culture encourages it. But we can live differently. I know, because I do now.
Happiness, as Abe Lincoln said, comes when we make up our minds to be happy. What freedom and joy this ensures. It allows us to model happiness for others, too.
SEPT 30..........050 Detachment is not needing attention from others to feel okay. It’s a common desire, for many of us, to want others to notice us, particularly when we are in the spotlight for a particular reason. Being listened to at home and by friends is important too. But that’s not the crux of this principle. It’s about getting comfortable enough with who we are to feel okay wherever we are, with or without the attention of others. Up to a certain age, many children seem to naturally have this confidence. And then they often lose it; some never regain it. But those who seek to understand themselves as well as others can generally reclaim it in time.
Not needing attention from others is far different than not wanting someone’s attention. Being dependent on getting someone’s attention holds us hostage to every relationship and situation we find ourselves in. It doesn’t allow us to work an equal partnership with others. It doesn’t free us to be who we are in the moment. We will be on guard to be who we think we need to be in order to stay in the good graces of our “captor.” We are not really living when that’s our path.
Checking our motives for our actions is very important. Are we doing what is in our hearts? Or are we doing what we think we need to do in order to get positive attention from others?
*******************
